Miscellaneous: Today, I was at the supermarket when an elderly lady asked if... - FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I was at the supermarket when an elderly lady asked if I'd grab some coffee for her from a high shelf. The moment I took my hands off my almost-full shopping cart, she made off with it. I ended up getting thrown out by security after she claimed I was trying to steal it from her. FML

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Dangling modifier

I'm not that old!

So that makes it alright?

By Funless - United States

Today, I was invited to a party, but I didn't attend because my boyfriend would be disappointed with me. Instead, I spent the night with him watching movies. At the end of the night, he broke up with me because I wasn't fun enough. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was feeling confident enough to approach a guy by asking the bartender if I could buy him a refill of whatever he was drinking. He was drinking water. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, during a blowjob, my girlfriend decided to try something new by squeezing my balls as hard as she could as I came, for a "more intense orgasm". All she gave me was a ruptured testicle. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was sitting at a lunch table with some of my coworkers when one of them decided to put out his cigarette on the table and missed. I now have a nice burn mark on my hand. Did he say sorry? No. "Your hand shouldn't have been there." FML

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By Preggers

Such a helpful kitty!

Today, my cat has taken it upon herself to provide for the heavily pregnant lady. So far I've been presented with a mouse and 3 birds. I know they're for me because she meows until I see them, then walks away again. FML

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By grotesque sexy - 5/10/2020 02:02 - United States - Portland

Body shaming ain't cool

Today, my boyfriend refused to have sex with me because I have ass acne. The reason I have ass acne is from working out to lose weight. I was trying to lose weight because he wouldn't have sex with me because I was too fat. I can't win. FML

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By ScarletBuckeye

Today, I didn't want to get sand in my shoes. So I walked down to the beach barefoot. The sand was so hot that it burned the soles of my feet. I now have blisters across the bottom of my feet and between my toes. But at least there's no sand in my shoes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Great Falls

Today, I lent a pair of expensive headphones to a "friend" for the weekend. As a thank-you, he bought me a soda. He moved this weekend, taking the headphones with him. I lost a $250 pair of headphones for a $1 soda. FML

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By kfoehslfns - United States

Today, I was woken up at 3:00 am to the sound of a tape recording of a baby crying, loudly. This has been going on for 3 nights, non stop. Why? because I brought up the subject of having a baby with my wife. Clearly, you can see where she stands. FML

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By rippedoff - Australia

Duped

Today, I found out that the man who sold me my car 6 months ago lied about it being "recently serviced" and "in excellent condition". It actually hasn't been serviced in years, and fixing all its problems is going to cost me $900 more than what I paid for the car. FML

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By GracieGirl

When feral kids attack

Today, while waiting for my name to be called at the doctor's office, a little boy threw a Dixie cup full of water at me, making it look like I wet my pants. His mom just laughed and dragged him off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Kansas City

Today, I uploaded a video to YouTube. I have around 20k subscribers, so I'm not a huge deal. I used a "fail" sound effect. I just got an email from YouTube saying that I got a copyright strike. They told me that it was the 4-second sound effect. They copyrighted 4 seconds of my video. FML

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By rhartnett11 - United States

Today, while trying on clothes in Macy's, someone decided to throw some shoes over the wall and into my changing stall. I now have a black eye. FML

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By sinceresally

Today, I finally got the courage to ask my workmate about her tattoo. She's been in the office for 4 months and I'd always wondered why she had a red cheese grater tattooed on her arm. So I asked. Turns out it's a lady's shoe. She walked away from me and never talked to me again. FML

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By texasrose921 - United States - Springfield

Today, as a student reporter for our college newspaper, I interviewed the president of my university. I was surprised to get an interview with him, and because of my nerves, as soon as I walked into his office I tripped over my own feet and fell face first into the ground. FML

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By kristajoy2001

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. All of the sudden, he whispered in my ear, "Do you want to hear a Minecraft joke?" FML

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By notattractiveatall - Australia - Newcastle

Today, two girls came up to me on the street and asked if they could take a photo with me for their high school scavenger hunt, because they needed a picture with a stranger. One of the girls shook her head and said to the other, "It needs to be an attractive stranger" and walked away. FML

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By sockmonkey - United States - Corona

Today, my parents decided on my punishment for failing an English test. No deodorant for a week. They think they're so hilarious, they told all their friends and now it's all over Facebook. FML

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By jarrettsorko - Canada

Today, someone broke into my house. They stole my TV, DVD player and a few DVDs. However they only took about 2 out of 100 DVDs. Apparently that's how bad my taste is in movies. FML

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By Crotch_Rocket_Rider - United States

Today, when approaching a stop light on my motorcycle, I went to extend my left leg as usual to balance when stopped. Apparently my shoelace loop got wrapped around the shift lever and "tied" my shoe to the bike. It's hard to look cool when you fall over for no apparent reason at a stoplight. FML

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By don't get paid enough for this - United States - Youngstown

Today, while at my shitty, minimum wage job at McDonalds, a guy walked out of the bathroom. He said "Good luck in there." worriedly, then left. I don't know if it was his handiwork, but it looked like a shit grenade had detonated. It was even on the walls. FML

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By Lemonhead - United States

Today, I came home from living in Spain for 2 years. My mom made dinner for me, and she had forgotten about my allergy to citrus, because she made lemon chicken. After using my EpiPen, and calling 911 for myself, I heard my mom say to my dad, "She always did have to be the center of attention." FML

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By pi_power_15 - United States - Spring Grove

Today, my football practice ended early due to severe weather. Not only had I misplaced my phone earlier in the day, both my parents thought the other had picked me up. I was in the rain for an hour and a half. FML

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By GonnaBeLonley2night - United States

Today, my husband won't talk to me because he got mad when I asked him what he thought about 'that lame performance last night'. He doesn't believe that I really was talking about football. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Sterling

Today, my 12 and 14 year olds told me they'll be doing whatever they like from now on and there will be no rules or bedtime, otherwise they'll tell their teachers that my husband and I abuse them. Where did I go wrong? FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Quitman

Today, my phone ran out of space, so I downloaded an app to store all my photos online. After everything transferred, I deleted the 1,000+ photos from my phone, along with the "recently deleted" file since it was also taking up space. The app is now empty of all "downloaded photos". FML

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By Ashley Marshburn - United States

Today, my 4 year old daughter walked into my home office and said F*** you! Then she ran to my husband and said "Did I say it right?" FML

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By titkip - Kenya - Nairobi

Today, I got a text from a call girl. She asked me to delete her number because I am too demanding. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went through the drive through at Dunkin Donuts and asked for an iced coffee. After no response I start frantically screaming about bad service. After a while, the woman comes out to my car and says, "Please pull up to the speaker." I yelled at a garbage bin for 5 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I pretended to have a heart attack so my baby sister would know when to call 911. When I fell down and started to pretend, she drank my soda instead of helping me. FML

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By fmlforreal - Singapore

Today, I found my brother tampering with my laptop. He had changed the entire settings, in ways I don't even know how to fix. I finally had to get my mom to threaten him to change it back to its original setting. I'm 15. He's six and can barely get dressed by himself. FML

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By Depressed and clueless - United States - Manhattan

Today, after months of being told I'm just being paranoid, my hallmates admitted and proved that there really is a dorm-wide conspiracy to socially isolate me. I don’t know what I did wrong. FML

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By calidreaming - Japan - Osaka

Today, as I got off the bus, I saw a girl counting her change making sure she had enough for the ride. Since it was my last stop for the day, I offered my day pass to her. She replied, "Get away, freak." FML

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By unknown - United States - Cape Coral

Today, a couple stopped me on the beach to take a picture of them kissing in front of the sunset. I agreed feeling generous, until they continued making out after the picture was taken, leaving me standing there awkwardly with their camera. FML

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By shroomda - United States

Today, I called my Dad to wish him happy birthday. The phone was disconnected, so I called my sister to see what his cell was. She then informed me that our Dad was in jail for selling shrooms to teenagers at a music festival out of state. FML

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By stupid

Today, after turning in a paper that I worked really hard on, I got it back with a grade of 0. In the feedback section, my professor wrote “In all my 37 years of teaching, this is by far the worst essay I have ever read.” FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2020 21:02 - United States - Tampa

PSA

Today, I just spent 3 hours at work reading FML posts and giggling at my desk. For the blurred out posts, I was moving my desk chair back to read what they said while squinting. I just realized I can hover the mouse and it will be clear and not blurry anymore. Now I have a headache and got in trouble with my boss. FML

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By Live Sweet

Today, I finally hooked up with the guy that I have been in love with forever. If there is such a thing as soul mates, this guy is it. He's my best friend in the whole world. It was the worst sex I have ever had. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2021 04:56

The joys of public transportation

Today, I was on the subway and there was a guy yelling, "Regret your sins and devote yourself to God right now." Another man got up from his seat and told him, "I work 12 hours a day and all I want is to go home and rest, you shut the fuck up or I'll make you meet God personally." FML

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By DLS - United States

Today, I realised I know the map on World of Warcraft better than the map of my own country. FML

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Top comments

By herecomestheFMLs | 12

#5490577 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 1:39

Sneaky old lady

By emmingle | 24

#5490589 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 1:41

Plant a stolen item in there on her way out.

COMMENTS

By herecomestheFMLs | 12

#5490577 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 1:39

Sneaky old lady

Reply

MDTeddy | 13

#5490866 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 5:40

When will people learn to not help an old lady? I understand if you know the person. Tbh, I would have just ignored her since idc and she should have gone to the store with someone if she knew she can't reach higher shelves.

Reply

mystashisgone | 6

#5490902 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 6:15

Don't most supermarkets have cameras? Seems like a simple way to resolve this...

Reply

LeFrogDog | 27

#5490914 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 6:32

if you bought the stuff show the reciept or reference the cashier to show proof. This is battle soldier

Reply

Joe9024 | 20

#5491183 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 12:55

You know, what I don't understand is what an old lady would want with a cart full of unpaid for groceries? Unless she wanted that exact same shit. If thats the case she shopped in record time

By jackaced | 7

#5490579 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 1:39

Super-troll strikes again!

Reply

LeFrogDog | 27

#5490920 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 6:35

granny troll you mean. only super saiyans and super man can super troll.

By Hornedone | 7

#5490584 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 1:40

How does he deserve it you retards

Reply

Eiregal2 | 10

#5490630 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 1:55

I really hate people who use that word to insult others.

Reply

_DudeGuy_ | 16

#5490696 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 3:03

Though it bothers me too, I don't hate it as much as when people use gay to describe things they dislike.

Reply

shorty6823 | 28

#5490737 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 3:43

Idk. I think retard is worse. The gays have an easier time defending themselves than the mentally challenged.

Reply

Faff | 20

#5491106 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 9:52

I disagree, retard actually makes sense. The word gay has nothing to do with intelligence.

Reply

ThunderLightTSV | 31

#6694160 - Thursday 22 September 2016 23:22

Retard literally means slow.
I.E flame retardant.

By emmingle | 24

#5490589 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 1:41

Plant a stolen item in there on her way out.

By dramaelf | 37

#5490590 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 1:41

The elderly are not to be trusted. Ever.

By ilovedinosawers | 17

#5490595 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 1:42

The elderly are always innocent, even when they're guilty.

Reply

ironichalibut | 24

#5490606 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 1:45

Yeah, give her a break. In her mid she only has so long to live before she's going to hell. Maybe she forgot it wasn't her cart too while stealing it.

Reply

heygirlie777 | 21

#5490851 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 5:22

10, what 7 was saying, I believe, is that even when old people are the ones to be blamed and they're fully aware of that, they use their old age to take advantage of people.

By Adhdkid107 | 9

#5490596 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 1:43

Grandmas now a days. *slaps knee* Their so silly.

Reply

Slasher15987 | 8

#5490910 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 6:21

#8 They're*

By Just_a_comment | 21

#5490599 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 1:44

People like this old woman make it harder to be a good Samaritan these days.

Reply

daniel_dd31 | 13

#5490744 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 3:47

Your picture is tripping me out.

Reply

Catkam623 | 27

#5490759 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 4:08

I'm confused it appears to be 4d

Reply

Just_a_comment | 21

#5490781 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 4:27

Not 4D, an optical illusion trick. It's a penrose triangle, also known as an impossible triangle.

By keverdeen | 14

#5490613 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 1:49

At least she didn't smack you with her purse full of hard candy and pennies!

By narkill | 13

#5490621 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 1:52

Time to kick some "old lady" ass.