Today, I was at the supermarket when an elderly lady asked if... - FML

By Anonymous - 13/5/2013 19:49 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I was at the supermarket when an elderly lady asked if I'd grab some coffee for her from a high shelf. The moment I took my hands off my almost-full shopping cart, she made off with it. I ended up getting thrown out by security after she claimed I was trying to steal it from her. FML

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Not a cheating!

Great guy

By Anonymous - 22/11/2010 07:32 - Australia

Today, a middle-aged woman came into the shoe shop where I work, and asked me to help her put on a pair of boots that were obviously too small. Simultaneously as I knelt down by her feet, she booted me in the face while we tried to get them on. FML

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By eatmywords - 5/7/2011 07:06 - Singapore

Today, I laughed when I saw my ex-girlfriend in her overall uniform, thinking she'd got a job as a janitor. Turns out she's as professional marine welder. She's 22 years old and earns my monthly salary in three days. My current girlfriend who was there with me called me a loser in front of her. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/1/2011 06:08 - United States

Today, I am pregnant, sober, designated driver, and puke cleaner. Yay for the New Year! FML

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By bad in the sack - 5/7/2014 04:26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. She was on top, and then stopped, got off, and said, "Let's go get ice cream." I think this was her way of telling me I suck at sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2013 07:24 - Canada - Milton

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He seemed thrilled, and went to buy some wine to celebrate. He left 11 hours ago and won't come back. FML

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By munckncruncj15 - 22/10/2009 04:19 - United States

Today, at lunch, a fly was buzzing around my food. I managed to kill the fly in my napkin in midair. I continued my lunch, pleased with my amazing ninja skills. When I was done with my lunch, I wiped my mouth with the napkin. I can still taste bug guts. Karma. FML

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By Nirah - 26/7/2019 21:00 - Canada - Parksville

Today, I'm a week into a prescription of extremely constipating antibiotics. I also just caught the stomach bug going around at work that causes aggressive diarrhea. The two combined mean I have a constant, slow-moving stream of thick, foul-smelling sludge coming out of me. FML

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By chevygirl51 - 28/5/2014 21:12 - United States

Today, I took my driving test. It was all going well until out of habit from driving with my boyfriend, I reached over and held my instructor's hand. FML

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By my back hurts - 4/9/2013 05:25 - Australia - Campbelltown

Today, I spent a large portion of the afternoon playing hide and seek with the door-to-door salesman who saw me sneak in the back door and won't stop knocking. No amount of hiding behind the couch will make him go away. FML

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By anonymous - 20/11/2015 19:07 - United States

Today, my ex got arrested for stealing. His new girlfriend texted me asking if I could lend her money to bail him out. FML

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By fuck you, dad - 27/9/2012 18:36 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, I was eating out at a restaurant with my family. My dad had drained most of our bottle of wine, so thinking he'd be a little less uptight than usual, I reached over to pour myself some. He swatted my hand away and started yelling at me for being a "degenerate drunk". FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2015 04:38 - United States - Montpelier

Today, I had to explain to my 35-year-old husband that "Honda" and "Hyundai" are two separate car companies, not to two different pronunciations of the same one. FML

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By man2 - 23/9/2010 11:18 - Ireland

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I was unsuccessful at a job interview, and she didn't want to be with someone who "has no future". She's unemployed too. FML

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By The nice guy finishing Last - 27/3/2017 12:00

Today, my mom talked me into going to a funeral since my dad wouldn't go. It was for one of her classmates. When it was our time to view the casket, we paused in front of it for a second before my mom leans over to me and says, "What if I told you that was really your dad?" FML

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By radiationkillz - 21/3/2011 04:25 - United States

Today, my girlfriend bought several bottles of Potassium Iodine pills and a gas mask, due to the radiation scare from Japan. We live in Texas. FML

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By JimmySmoothBeans - 21/10/2009 12:15 - Australia

Today, I had my 21st birthday party. My friends told me to have the party even though it had been 5 months since my actual 21st birthday. They asked me why I didn't have one originally and I jokingly told them it was because I didn't think anyone would come. Turned out nobody came after all. FML

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By Noname - 4/2/2009 23:04 - United States

Today, I discovered my mom has over 20 sites bookmarked on her laptop, all having to do with 'How To Boost Your Insecure Teen's Confidence' or 'How To Help Your Overweight Teen Have A Positive Self Image'. Thanks, mommy. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/9/2019 04:00 - United States

Unionize!

Today, my boss told me he was going to start taking money out of my pay, because his wife makes us lunch. I work for my dad, and he wants to start charging me because my mom makes me a sandwich. FML

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By a.baybay - 7/1/2010 06:03 - United States

Today, I noticed that my long distance boyfriend of almost four months only calls me to have phone sex. FML

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By Gem - 5/4/2013 11:04 - United Kingdom - Nottingham

Today, I carried flat-packed boxes home from work to move my things into a new apartment. Whilst walking down the street, the wind kept blowing and spinning me round. A crowd eventually gathered, mistaking me for a street performer. Nobody helped or even threw me any loose change. FML

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By Mo. - 3/10/2020 01:13 - United States

Rock and a hard place

Today, I found out my postpartum pain is indeed because of a cyst. No, my doctors can’t drain it and relive the pain because of scar tissue. And yes, it hurts around my lady bits and in my butthole, because the cyst wraps around everything. It’s either wait it out in extreme pain or surgery. FML

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By bigbum - 4/11/2012 09:50 - Australia - Glenroy

Today, my boyfriend of two years proposed to me. It would have been great if he weren't drunk with a naked girl next to him. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2015 14:23 - United States - Marshall

Today, I found my daughter's fanfiction account. I need a new pair of eyes, or brain bleach, or both. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/8/2020 20:00

Rock, hard place

Today, I'm horny all the time, but my endurance in the sack is horrible. Why me? FML

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By Sarah Lyn Guillen - 24/6/2019 04:59

Today, I saw the cutest baby watching a show with my Dad. After commenting how cute she was, my Dad goes on to say, "Yeah, most babies are cute. Except you, you looked like a lizard." FML

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By qtpieo1 - 13/8/2010 16:14 - United States

Today, I was at the pool with two boys I baby sit. The eldest wouldn't get out of the pool so I pretended to call his dad. He then ran out of the pool, pushed me down, grabbed my phone, chucked it into the pool and then ran back into the pool. FML

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By Michael - 14/10/2020 23:02 - United States - Kearny

Stahp!

Today, I had to babysit my dying grandmother, so I brought up my guitar. She hadn't said anything to anyone today, and the first thing and only thing she said was, "Stop. Make it stop" to me when I played. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2011 15:08 - Australia

Today, I went to a haunted show restaurant. I needed the toilet badly, but they were inside the building, which could only be gotten to via a ghost train. The footage of me peeing myself in terror on the train was played on a big screen inside, in front of a crowd of onlookers. FML

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By hoaloha - 30/7/2012 04:40 - United States - Gilbert

Today, I went to the store to buy some new shirts. I tried them on and none of them fit. When I walked out to return the shirts, everybody was staring at me. I looked down to see why. I'd forgotten to put my original shirt back on. FML

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By emilyparra1 - 23/10/2012 07:54 - United States - Riverview

Today, I had a job interview for a job I've been dying to have. As I'm walking into the office, the manager says, "Aren't you my son's ex, the one he cheated on?" All I could do was sit there quietly as he laughed at me. FML

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By Embarrassed - 11/2/2009 01:46 - United States

Today, I was in the car with a group of my girl friends discussing sexual experiences when I looked down and realized my Blackberry had dialed the family I babysit for and had left a five minute voicemail. FML

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By blind - 29/1/2011 11:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to see the "Cirque du Soleil" at the Albert Hall. It was amazing, apparently. Of course I wouldn't know, because I left my glasses at the hotel, and was sitting at the very back row. FML

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By vsshopper - 22/2/2012 19:21 - United States

Today, I woke up next to my boyfriend of two years. I realized I was going to be late for work, so I asked him to hand me my underwear. I had never seen the underwear he gave me before. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2010 06:38 - Iraq

Today, I had to pull guard duty. I had to guard the latrine because somebody likes to stuff whole toilet paper rolls in the toilet to clog it. Only six more months in Iraq. FML

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By HaleyIsabelle - 8/3/2010 20:54 - France

Today, I thought my boyfriend was being sweet by stroking my hair, only to discover he was getting rid of a booger. FML

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By GrahamCracker - 21/5/2009 05:36 - United States

Today, I was taking a final exam and I reached into my pocket to get out a pencil. I felt this thing in my pocket so I got it out and put it on the desk. At first I thought it was a leaf but then it started kicking and trying to run around. It was a cockroach. It had been living in my pocket. FML

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By thedeadone - 15/7/2019 00:01

Today, I found the phone number of my biological mother after years of searching for her, and gave her a call. I introduced myself by name and said, "I'm your daughter." There was a pause at the other end, followed by, "The one I aborted or the one I gave away?" FML

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By errints234234 - 13/5/2010 23:31 - United States

Today, I was reading a magazine while straightening my hair. I got really into this one article until suddenly a huge clump of hair fell on it. I looked up and realized I had burned through the layer of hair I was straightening, leaving me with one layer at ear length and the rest at bra length. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/5/2014 19:33 - United States - Fresno

Today, my 15-year-old son told me that he and his new girlfriend are deeply in love and are meant for each other. The "girlfriend" in question? My fiancé's 12-year old daughter. FML

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By FUCKFACECUNT - 2/8/2015 13:32 - United Arab Emirates - Abu Dhabi

Today, I took a dump at work, when I realized there was no toilet paper left. There was another guy in the room, so I asked him for some. He decided he'd rather dump all the rolls of paper into the other toilets, before wishing me luck and walking out while laughing his ass off. FML

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Top comments

By herecomestheFMLs | 12

#5490577 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 1:39

Sneaky old lady

By emmingle | 24

#5490589 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 1:41

Plant a stolen item in there on her way out.

COMMENTS

By herecomestheFMLs | 12

#5490577 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 1:39

Sneaky old lady

Reply

MDTeddy | 13

#5490866 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 5:40

When will people learn to not help an old lady? I understand if you know the person. Tbh, I would have just ignored her since idc and she should have gone to the store with someone if she knew she can't reach higher shelves.

Reply

mystashisgone | 6

#5490902 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 6:15

Don't most supermarkets have cameras? Seems like a simple way to resolve this...

Reply

LeFrogDog | 27

#5490914 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 6:32

if you bought the stuff show the reciept or reference the cashier to show proof. This is battle soldier

Reply

Joe9024 | 20

#5491183 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 12:55

You know, what I don't understand is what an old lady would want with a cart full of unpaid for groceries? Unless she wanted that exact same shit. If thats the case she shopped in record time

By jackaced | 7

#5490579 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 1:39

Super-troll strikes again!

Reply

LeFrogDog | 27

#5490920 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 6:35

granny troll you mean. only super saiyans and super man can super troll.

By Hornedone | 7

#5490584 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 1:40

How does he deserve it you retards

Reply

Eiregal2 | 10

#5490630 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 1:55

I really hate people who use that word to insult others.

Reply

_DudeGuy_ | 16

#5490696 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 3:03

Though it bothers me too, I don't hate it as much as when people use gay to describe things they dislike.

Reply

shorty6823 | 28

#5490737 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 3:43

Idk. I think retard is worse. The gays have an easier time defending themselves than the mentally challenged.

Reply

Faff | 20

#5491106 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 9:52

I disagree, retard actually makes sense. The word gay has nothing to do with intelligence.

Reply

ThunderLightTSV | 31

#6694160 - Thursday 22 September 2016 23:22

Retard literally means slow.
I.E flame retardant.

By emmingle | 24

#5490589 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 1:41

Plant a stolen item in there on her way out.

By dramaelf | 37

#5490590 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 1:41

The elderly are not to be trusted. Ever.

By ilovedinosawers | 17

#5490595 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 1:42

The elderly are always innocent, even when they're guilty.

Reply

ironichalibut | 24

#5490606 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 1:45

Yeah, give her a break. In her mid she only has so long to live before she's going to hell. Maybe she forgot it wasn't her cart too while stealing it.

Reply

heygirlie777 | 21

#5490851 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 5:22

10, what 7 was saying, I believe, is that even when old people are the ones to be blamed and they're fully aware of that, they use their old age to take advantage of people.

By Adhdkid107 | 9

#5490596 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 1:43

Grandmas now a days. *slaps knee* Their so silly.

Reply

Slasher15987 | 8

#5490910 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 6:21

#8 They're*

By Just_a_comment | 21

#5490599 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 1:44

People like this old woman make it harder to be a good Samaritan these days.

Reply

daniel_dd31 | 13

#5490744 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 3:47

Your picture is tripping me out.

Reply

Catkam623 | 27

#5490759 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 4:08

I'm confused it appears to be 4d

Reply

Just_a_comment | 21

#5490781 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 4:27

Not 4D, an optical illusion trick. It's a penrose triangle, also known as an impossible triangle.

By keverdeen | 14

#5490613 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 1:49

At least she didn't smack you with her purse full of hard candy and pennies!

By narkill | 13

#5490621 - Tuesday 14 May 2013 1:52

Time to kick some "old lady" ass.