Kids: Today, I was at the mall with my young daughter. I hate pooping... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 235

You deserved it 26

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 493

You deserved it 133

23/10/2014 18:43

Today, I was at the mall with my young daughter. I hate pooping in public but I really had to go so I brought her in with me. Thinking we were alone, I started to go and my daughter yelled, "Good job, mommy, you're using the potty like a big girl!" I then heard laughing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 111

You deserved it 4 863

Age difference

Mama's boy

Our house, is a very very very fine house

25/05/2017 22:00

Today, I found out that because we made a mistake and applied for the wrong visa first, my fiancé probably can't fly into America to attend his own wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 551

You deserved it 1 241

02/06/2010 23:00

Spicy

Today, my grandmother bought a Shakeweight, an exercise tool which, basically, simulates a hand-job to tone arm fat. I get to watch my Grandmother do this motion for 6 minutes every day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 495

You deserved it 5 169

11/11/2018 09:30

Today, I brought my boyfriend over to meet my parents. They prepared dinner for us - mushroom pasta. I have always hated mushrooms, so I spent the entire dinner trying not to gag. Unfortunately, I did gag and my mom got up and smacked me so hard I fell out of my chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 588

You deserved it 408

10/07/2013 16:33

Today, while having a serious talk with my father, he said, "Son, you're only alive because of a faulty, off-brand condom." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 997

You deserved it 3 736

07/07/2009 05:46

Today, I found out that my father, who is divorced from my mother, has set up a lawsuit against her and that I am required to go to court and testify against her as a witness. I've tried to keep neutral for six years, and I'll go to jail if I don't show up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 454

You deserved it 3 299

Hazing rituals

By newguy - 29/08/2009 21:02

Today, it's my third day at work and the hazing finally began. After a few rounds of "punch the new guy", I thought I would finally be safe because the manager walked into the kitchen. He saw what was going on, picked up a handful of ketchup packets, and began throwing them at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 108

You deserved it 4 785

10/06/2009 04:36

Today, I found a dead bird on my windshield. Thinking I was clever, I turned on my windshield wipers to get the bird off. Unfortunately, the dead bird fell through my open window and onto my lap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 528

You deserved it 61 824

10/10/2015 04:25

Today, my friends were right about me being whipped. My girlfriend now has me setting an alarm for 3 hrs after she's fallen asleep, all so I can uncover her feet so she doesn't get too warm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 631

You deserved it 15 332

11/10/2011 20:05

Today, I was threatened with suspension from school because of my nose piercing. I had to explain that it's actually a pimple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 411

You deserved it 2 924

18/12/2009 06:42

Today, I had to take a urine test. I drank a lot of water so that I wouldn't force it. When I got there, I had to pee really bad. The cup was too small and when I relieved my bladder, it was a jet that rebounded off of the cup and overflowed going all over my hands, clothes, toilet, and floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 331

You deserved it 26 385

Baywatch

By Jenn - 16/12/2016 00:50

Today, in my lifeguarding course, I had to pull a 200-pound boy out of the pool in an exercise to practice using our legs when lifting. I, being only 90 pounds, tried pulling and ended up falling into the pool, landing with my lady parts on his face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 157

You deserved it 812

01/03/2011 20:59

Today, I was mugged while on my way to the book store. I'd saved up for months to make a mega-purchase of study materials for my major, only for it to be taken away in a few seconds by some lowlife thug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 198

You deserved it 4 530

17/05/2014 16:02

Today, my boss yet again said she was "literally dying", after she watched a funny video online. Long story short, I'm now on her shitlist because I couldn't help but point out that she clearly wasn't dying, and that her ranting was distracting me from doing actual work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 643

You deserved it 18 459

04/08/2013 19:09

Today, a customer screamed at me, because her iced coffee tasted exactly like coffee, and she hates coffee. Sadly, this isn't even the most insane person I've had to deal with at this job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 466

You deserved it 3 136

Google Maps strikes again!

By -_- - 21/09/2017 16:00

Today, I went shopping for some nice clothing for work. Annoyed that the first two stores I went to didn't have anything, I drove to a store in an unfamiliar part of the city. Not only did Google Maps direct me to a store that doesn't exist, but my car broke down in the parking lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 774

You deserved it 264

07/05/2011 00:22

Spicy

Today, I stubbed my toe against the corner of my bed, causing me to gasp and moan in pain. My parents overheard, and now I'm getting the full coming of age talk and how I shouldn't lie about what I was doing. I didn't do anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 390

You deserved it 4 678

06/10/2013 21:49

Today, I started to come to during dental surgery. I clearly heard someone behind me say "Shit! Get this fucker back under!" then another person mentioning they'd have to kill me to avoid "another lawsuit", followed by laughter and the blackness of sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 401

You deserved it 3 834

23/05/2014 16:00

Today, an old lady fell in the street, and I rushed to help her. As I tried to help her to her feet, she started screaming, "She pushed me! She pushed me!" I froze up in shock, and ended up being chased by some guy who thought I'd attacked her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 732

You deserved it 3 099

23/08/2010 04:03

Today, I went to see my mother with my kids. Before, I had told my son to give her hugs and kisses and I would buy him candy. He did, but then he told her that I said that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 793

You deserved it 32 842

24/10/2014 01:05

Today, I was the weird girl on the city bus who falls asleep then makes a loud, weird noise and wakes herself up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 240

You deserved it 4 600

24/12/2012 21:06

Today, my friend put my phone number on Craigslist. I still can't find the ad, but obviously everyone else can because I still haven't stopped receiving naked pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 485

You deserved it 3 738

11/09/2011 05:58

Today, I went to interview with potential new roommates at a cooperative living house. I decided to bake cookies for everyone, and while touring the house, I forgot about the cookies and set off a small oven fire. All this after professing how responsible I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 970

You deserved it 14 176

26/12/2017 08:00

Today, my mother-in-law told my fiancé that I had to leave and wasn’t allowed to live there anymore. I own the house. She’s mad because I locked the door so she couldn't walk in anytime she wanted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 804

You deserved it 342

06/08/2019 00:01

Today, the reason I’d rather elope with my fiancée than have a wedding is because I have no friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 658

You deserved it 189

18/02/2009 22:57

Today, I was eating at a restaurant with my boyfriend, he is 6'2 and i am 4'11. Out of nowhere, the hostess started openly flirting with him, and asked him if he needed a booster chair for his daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 803

You deserved it 5 070

11/07/2019 00:03

Spicy

Today, the guy who sexually assaulted me when I was a child is over to have coffee with my mother. She says that it's OK, because God wouldn't want her to turn away someone who has no family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 943

You deserved it 114

Time to get over it too

By Anonymous - 03/05/2021 20:01

Today, I pretended to be sleeping when my dad came to check on me. I’m not talking to him. Why? Because my mom died in January and he already has a girlfriend he says he wants to marry, she's going to be my step-mom. I’m 31. FML

I agree, your life sucks 832

You deserved it 317

13/03/2014 11:59

Today, I was walking through the main lobby at school and I saw someone waving at me, so I waved back. Turns out she was just cleaning a glass door. I heard laughter behind me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 613

You deserved it 6 418

24/08/2009 04:28

Today, I posted a status update on Facebook about how much I liked the Season Finale of NBC's "Heroes". My hand slipped to the right and it came out as "I really love Herpes. It's much better than everyone says it is". I didn't notice for few hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 592

You deserved it 42 346

06/03/2009 02:27

Today, I was teasing my little brother. Later that night, I went to the bathroom to wash up. While I'm brushing my teeth, my little brother slips a photo under the door that shows him scrubbing my toothbrush against his nuts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 325

You deserved it 28 046

24/12/2016 17:56

Today I woke up with an extremely bad flu and severe nausea. As I rolled around wanting to die I remembered that 4 days prior, I had hoped to get a cold to skip a compulsary carol service for my Catholic school. Now, on Christmas Eve, I just want to say, be careful what you wish for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 273

You deserved it 1 697

13/11/2008 11:39

Today, I helped my son do his maths homework. He got a C and won’t talk to me anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 509

You deserved it 18 059

10/03/2009 04:20

Today, I emailed the guy I like to ask him on a coffee date. He responded, declining by telling me he never drinks coffee. We met at Starbucks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 074

You deserved it 4 164

28/06/2009 21:30

Today, I was sitting at my desk eating cereal with my cat sleeping on my lap. I got a really funny text and I started laughing hysterically, and spilled my cereal all over my cat. I'll let you know how my legs, arms, neck and face heal up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 889

You deserved it 13 539

28/04/2009 02:10

Today, while on a run off campus with my german shepherd, I tried to impress a couple of hot fraternity guys playing football outside of their house. I broke out into a full sprint. I then got tangled in my dog's leash and fell straight in to a parked jeep knocking myself unconscious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 332

You deserved it 58 400

25/01/2009 12:36

Today, a ball rolled up to me, so I picked it up and threw it over the school wall. A little boy who was behind me asked for his ball back. It's Sunday and the school is closed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 327

You deserved it 37 080

29/08/2011 17:17

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend kept falling asleep while he was at my house with me. I tried to have sex with him to help wake him up, but he said he was too tired and fell back asleep. Five minutes later, my friend walks in the room with food. He woke up from the smell and got up to get some for himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 173

You deserved it 6 262

22/05/2019 00:01

Today, a fork hit me in the eye. I was holding it. I didn't even get to eat my chicken. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 360

You deserved it 523

26/09/2011 05:18

Today, I was working at my new job at a food court on campus. One of the supervisors came up to my station and told me that I "really look like someone who, through some miracle, accidentally found their way into college." He then threw a pickle at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 628

You deserved it 2 622

More issues than Vogue

By Anonymous - 04/07/2020 20:00

Today, my wife is grumpy because our son has his first girlfriend and she feels like she’s been replaced. Our son is 32 and surely it’s about damn time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 733

You deserved it 143

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Top comments

alyssabreanne90 16

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Friday 24 October 2014 0:57

That's actually pretty adorable!

Flaming_Pandas 15

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Friday 24 October 2014 0:58

Well, it sounds like you've gotten yourself into a shifty situat- *downvoted into the depths of hell*

Comments

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Friday 24 October 2014 0:56

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

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Friday 24 October 2014 1:03

Why would op payback? She's a young kid, so she probably didn't mean to intentionally embarrass her mum..

Flaming_Pandas 15

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Friday 24 October 2014 1:07

First comment, you had one job.

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Friday 24 October 2014 1:32

if you ever get first comment you got to take advantage of it like its your death wish. "some" people dont understand the importance...

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Friday 24 October 2014 3:15

Maybe he meant payback for the lame baby talk..? I know I'd want some!

Chiroptera_Man 10

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Friday 24 October 2014 4:22

That's what I was thinking :p daughter getting payback from mom always saying it

False_Stupidity 41

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Friday 24 October 2014 5:53

Shit gets real when it comes to #1.

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Friday 24 October 2014 16:58

Why is everyone thumbing down 1, and thumbing up 12 who obviously missed the joke?? I'm pretty sure he meant it's payback for OP saying that to her daughter when she was being potty trained.

messedup4ever 16

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Friday 24 October 2014 0:56

You've taught we well

sayyestothedress 24

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Friday 24 October 2014 1:25

OP sure did

alyssabreanne90 16

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Friday 24 October 2014 0:57

That's actually pretty adorable!

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Friday 24 October 2014 3:31

Exactly! Not really a FML, in my opinion, more like a cute moment in an akward situation ps: loved it, it's a favorite now

expertsmilee 26

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Friday 24 October 2014 0:57

The embarrassment is real.

Flaming_Pandas 15

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Friday 24 October 2014 0:58

Well, it sounds like you've gotten yourself into a shifty situat- *downvoted into the depths of hell*

expertsmilee 26

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Friday 24 October 2014 0:59

Dat shifty situation

Flaming_Pandas 15

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Friday 24 October 2014 1:04

We'll we'll we'll if it isn't autocorrect!

MrSassypants 32

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Friday 24 October 2014 1:33

#13 I think you need to read the FML again. Clearly you missed the part where she shifted into maximum overdrive to make it into the bathroom on time. And I'm totally not making this up at all.

laden_swallow09 34

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Friday 24 October 2014 2:29

Thanks a lot, 5. I spewed Cherry Coke out of my nose from laughing at your comment. It stings…

Flaming_Pandas 15

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Friday 24 October 2014 5:09

#29 They make cocaine in different flavors now? Either way, I don't think spraying it out of your nose is it's proper use.

fivetimeslonger 24

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Friday 24 October 2014 9:50

Your profile picture is a mindfuck.

juststephhere 23

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Friday 24 October 2014 0:58

But aren't you supposed to be coaching her on that? That's adorable though!

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Friday 24 October 2014 1:01

I guess op knows how her daughter feels now

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Friday 24 October 2014 1:34

that she feel really embarrassed till she wants to crawl under a rock and be forgotten about...

23lf 16

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Friday 24 October 2014 0:59

Double standards these days..

atav 17

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Friday 24 October 2014 5:52

How is this a double standard by any means?

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Friday 24 October 2014 1:00

Future motivational speaker in the making! She will make you understand that you can be better than number 2!

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Friday 24 October 2014 1:03

Everybody Poops paid off teaching your kid what to say .

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Friday 24 October 2014 1:12

I love that book!

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Friday 24 October 2014 1:05

That is the cutest thing I've heard today lmao