Today, I was at the mall with my young daughter. I hate pooping... - FML

By Anonymous - 23/10/2014 18:43 - United States

Today, I was at the mall with my young daughter. I hate pooping in public but I really had to go so I brought her in with me. Thinking we were alone, I started to go and my daughter yelled, "Good job, mommy, you're using the potty like a big girl!" I then heard laughing. FML

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Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Boozehound alert

Great guy

By Alanis - 21/7/2012 01:59 - United States

Today, I confessed to my co-worker that I've secretly loved him for months. He laughed hysterically for about a minute straight before shaking his head and excusing himself from the store. Even the fact that my boss fired him for leaving early isn't cheering me up. FML

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By mlowy - 9/5/2014 05:35 - Azerbaijan - Baku

Today, my computer crashed and lost all of its data while I was making a back up. FML

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By ouharguohargssdf - 28/9/2013 21:01 - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, my wife made me go with her to dinner with her parents, despite their long-standing hatred of me. Later on, my mother-in-law muttered to me, "I made yours special for ya", smirked, then made a show of scratching at her butt-crack. FML

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By musicmaniac13 - 18/3/2011 19:08 - France

Today, I performed in my school's choir concert. The girl next to me started to pass out, and I grabbed her so she wouldn't hit her head. After we were done performing and the curtains closed, my choir teacher dragged me off stage and said I was getting an F for "creating a distraction". FML

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By Tireddddddd - 31/7/2011 05:45 - United States

Today, I got back from camp. My camp-mates? A girl who refused to shower the entire week, a girl who threatened to hurt me several times, a snorer, my princess of a sister who took forever in the mornings, and a counselor who watched us sleep. FML

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By Raaaaage - 22/7/2012 06:54 - United States - Torrance

Today, my sister and I had a huge fight because I flushed the toilet while she was taking a bath. The faucet for the bath was not running, but she insisted that she felt the water in the tub turn "scalding hot." She won't listen when I try to explain to her that it doesn't work like that. FML

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By - 7/12/2018 16:00 - United States - Zephyrhills

Today, my mom wanted me to pick up my cousin from work immediately. I'm in my shirt and underwear with no other clothes and I'm also too young to drive. She said "He won't mind, and just take my drivers license, they'll never know!" FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2017 01:30

Today, after a year of diet and rigorous exercise, I've still gained weight. Confused, I went to my doctor. Apparently I have a thyroid condition he forgot to mention, and therefore haven't been on medication for, thus causing weight gain. FML

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By Himynameisjacob - 5/1/2010 07:18 - United States

Today, I was told that, although I was sick on the last day before break, they would still accept the 24 page essay that I had written. Tonight, as I went to print it out, I found that my dad had "cleaned up a bit" on my computer, including the documents from last semester. I have school tomorrow. FML

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By Noname - 21/1/2009 12:36 - Canada

Today, I woke up with this terrible toothache and called my mother for a lift to the dentist. This super-dentist-chick enters in and says: "Nice to meet you, your mother just told me you're afraid of dentists?" I'm 29. FML

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By rescuetheduck - 10/4/2012 19:26 - Finland - Joensuu

Today, I was at the grocery store, waiting in line to pay. A man jumped me from behind, and my first reflex was to brutally elbow him in the face. I soon discovered my attacker was one of the patients at the disability house at which I work, and he was trying to hug me. FML

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By theynamedmeluke - 23/9/2013 22:49 - United States - Austin

Today, I found out I was adopted when my drunk dad made a terrible Star Wars joke. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2010 02:33 - United States

Today, I lost my job because I was doing my work too quickly, getting too much done and the supervisor was afraid I was bored. I have only been here for 3 weeks and already had the best stats on the team. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2012 05:24 - United States

Exposure

Today, I received an e-mail from my girlfriend's parents telling me that all the dirty e-mails I've been sending to her while she is away have been accessible by the whole family. FML

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By courtneynaked - 7/2/2012 13:47 - United Arab Emirates

Today, my jeans got caught in the airport escalators. Seeing as how we couldn't get them unstuck, my mother made me take them off. FML

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By Aw522 - 30/5/2012 23:07 - United States - Columbia

Today, I was cutting the grass, it was really hot and I fainted. I woke up to see my mom standing over me. I thought she was going to freak out and call an ambulance. Instead she said, "Good, you're up. Now you can finish." FML

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By sicktomystomach - 2/5/2009 17:05 - United States

Today, during lunch at school, a wave of nausea came over me. I ran to the bathroom and made it just in time. As I was throwing up, I set off the toilet's automatic flush and my vomit came flying back into my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2011 04:28 - United States

Today, my daughter somehow got a hold of the lighter we keep on top of the fridge. I found this out when she snuck up behind me and thought it would be fun to set my hair on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2011 02:53 - United States

Today, I learned how to use a fire extinguisher. Too bad it was on my brand new oven. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2010 07:08 - Canada

Today, while taking a shower, I noticed that I had forgotten to shave my pits. I went to a party last night, and there are now several Facebook pictures of me dancing, with my arms up and my hairy pits showing for the world to see. FML

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By Jimbo - 25/5/2010 09:29 - United States

Today, I came home on leave after a seven month deployment in the middle of the ocean for the Navy. My entire region got hit by the worst flood in recorded history. I need a speedboat to go to the Quick-e-mart. FML

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By cough - 27/12/2019 14:00 - Canada - Toronto

Good initiative

Today, I was choking on an apple and asked my sister to get me some water. She got some. Then drank it herself. FML

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By ghgfd - 6/3/2013 14:53 - Canada - Barrie

Today, I went to the store to pick up some feminine products. As I was paying, the male cashier looked at me sympathetically and asked if it was my girlfriend's time of the month. I'm a girl and was buying them for myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2017 11:08

Today, I accidentally covfefe

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 09:01 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Get it out!

Today, I paid movers $125 to move a couch into my house that's much too large for the space. FML

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By anonymas - 29/1/2010 15:29 - Norway

Today, I found out my dad bought an iPhone. I've spent the better part of the last six months teaching him how to check his email and online newspapers. FML

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By bullseyed - 8/12/2010 04:20 - United States

Today, I planned to drop a water balloon on my visiting prankster brother from my new apartment's balcony. As he crossed the street, I launched the balloon, and sent it right behind him. It hit an eight year old on a scooter. FML

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By TeaSea - 11/2/2018 01:30

Today, I told my class I was giving them 60 seconds to do a problem. A girl replied furiously "At least give us one minute!!" I teach a high school honors math class. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2012 05:35 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was such a coward that instead of breaking up with me, he changed his phone number. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2012 05:33 - United States - Mahwah

Today, while attempting the Italian Chandelier with my girlfriend, I heard a popping noise, and then had a sharp pain in my dick. Turns out I "broke" it. Instead of calling 911 immediately, my girlfriend remarked how my now black and blue penis looked like a Smurf. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2017 22:00

Today, while I was doing my job as a groundskeeper, a couple of kids wearing MAGA hats threw garbage and rocks at me, then told me to "go back where you came from". I'm American, but I guess my beard makes me look like an immigrant or something, as this isn't the first time this has happened. FML

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By penny-dropping - 16/4/2012 04:24 - United States

Today, while packing my luggage from vacation I thought I saw a penny drop into my bag. After looking everywhere I couldn't find it. Now that I am home I found out that I had mistaken a cockroach for a penny. I now have a family of cockroaches living in my luggage. FML

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By anonymous - 20/7/2015 01:23 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, for some reason entirely beyond my knowledge, Siri referred to me as "Sugartits". FML

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By Neverthebride - 22/5/2009 22:21 - United States

Today, I asked my best friend why she didn't ask our other best friend Anna to be a bridesmaid in her wedding. She said, "She's too pretty. I need ugly bridesmaids to make me look better." I am the maid of honor. FML

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By ZAnon - 6/2/2015 07:06 - United States - Houston

Today, my 97-pound pitbull wagged and chased his tail while I was being mugged. FML

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By angrymother - 27/7/2016 01:21

Today, I caught my 20 year old daughter having sex with my best friend's husband. Apparently it's my fault for coming home early. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2009 04:27 - United States

Today, my landlady decided to fix the leak in my room. Her solution was repainting the ceiling. Now not only is my room still wet but it now reeks of paint thinner. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2020 05:02

The Summoner

Today, I've lived in my apartment for over 5 years with no bugs, as I'm phobic of them. I broke up with my ex, who smirked at me and declared war. I now have thousands of roaches that I can't get rid of. Coincidence? FML

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By WOWBear - 5/6/2013 09:46 - United States - Mesa

Today, a deaf customer came to my work. In an attempt to connect with him I introduced myself in sign language. He just rolled his eyes and pointed at my name tag. FML

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By can you read? - 8/4/2016 19:55 - United States

Today, I got a ticket for driving without insurance. I gave the cop my insurance information, but he said it was invalid because it didn't show an expiration date. When I pointed out the information he was looking for, he ignored me and gave me a ticket anyway. FML

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Top comments

By alyssabreanne90 | 16

#6098433 - Friday 24 October 2014 0:57

That's actually pretty adorable!

By Flaming_Pandas | 15

#6098436 - Friday 24 October 2014 0:58

Well, it sounds like you've gotten yourself into a shifty situat-

*downvoted into the depths of hell*

COMMENTS

By whateverNA | 8

#6098431 - Friday 24 October 2014 0:56

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

sarah5745 | 41

#6098457 - Friday 24 October 2014 1:03

Why would op payback? She's a young kid, so she probably didn't mean to intentionally embarrass her mum..

Reply

Flaming_Pandas | 15

#6098467 - Friday 24 October 2014 1:07

First comment, you had one job.

Reply

noah_1234 | 24

#6098501 - Friday 24 October 2014 1:32

if you ever get first comment you got to take advantage of it like its your death wish. "some" people dont understand the importance...

Reply

theaaxis | 27

#6098564 - Friday 24 October 2014 3:15

Maybe he meant payback for the lame baby talk..? I know I'd want some!

Reply

Chiroptera_Man | 10

#6098591 - Friday 24 October 2014 4:22

That's what I was thinking :p daughter getting payback from mom always saying it

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6098653 - Friday 24 October 2014 5:53

Shit gets real when it comes to #1.

Reply

Soloman212 | 28

#6098952 - Friday 24 October 2014 16:58

Why is everyone thumbing down 1, and thumbing up 12 who obviously missed the joke?? I'm pretty sure he meant it's payback for OP saying that to her daughter when she was being potty trained.

By messedup4ever | 16

#6098432 - Friday 24 October 2014 0:56

You've taught we well

Reply

sayyestothedress | 24

#6098490 - Friday 24 October 2014 1:25

OP sure did

By alyssabreanne90 | 16

#6098433 - Friday 24 October 2014 0:57

That's actually pretty adorable!

Reply

Uglyfeet | 23

#6098574 - Friday 24 October 2014 3:31

Exactly! Not really a FML, in my opinion, more like a cute moment in an akward situation

ps: loved it, it's a favorite now

By expertsmilee | 26

#6098434 - Friday 24 October 2014 0:57

The embarrassment is real.

By Flaming_Pandas | 15

#6098436 - Friday 24 October 2014 0:58

Well, it sounds like you've gotten yourself into a shifty situat-

*downvoted into the depths of hell*

Reply

expertsmilee | 26

#6098440 - Friday 24 October 2014 0:59

Dat shifty situation

Reply

Flaming_Pandas | 15

#6098459 - Friday 24 October 2014 1:04

We'll we'll we'll if it isn't autocorrect!

Reply

MrSassypants | 32

#6098504 - Friday 24 October 2014 1:33

#13 I think you need to read the FML again. Clearly you missed the part where she shifted into maximum overdrive to make it into the bathroom on time. And I'm totally not making this up at all.

Reply

laden_swallow09 | 34

#6098530 - Friday 24 October 2014 2:29

Thanks a lot, 5. I spewed Cherry Coke out of my nose from laughing at your comment. It stings…

Reply

Flaming_Pandas | 15

#6098626 - Friday 24 October 2014 5:09

#29 They make cocaine in different flavors now? Either way, I don't think spraying it out of your nose is it's proper use.

Reply

fivetimeslonger | 24

#6098780 - Friday 24 October 2014 9:50

Your profile picture is a mindfuck.

By juststephhere | 23

#6098438 - Friday 24 October 2014 0:58

But aren't you supposed to be coaching her on that? That's adorable though!

Reply

Lct1196 | 31

#6098450 - Friday 24 October 2014 1:01

I guess op knows how her daughter feels now

Reply

noah_1234 | 24

#6098505 - Friday 24 October 2014 1:34

that she feel really embarrassed till she wants to crawl under a rock and be forgotten about...

By 23lf | 16

#6098444 - Friday 24 October 2014 0:59

Double standards these days..

Reply

atav | 17

#6098651 - Friday 24 October 2014 5:52

How is this a double standard by any means?

By nothing92x | 13

#6098449 - Friday 24 October 2014 1:00

Future motivational speaker in the making! She will make you understand that you can be better than number 2!

By devildog562 | 33

#6098454 - Friday 24 October 2014 1:03

Everybody Poops paid off teaching your kid what to say .

Reply

junkman6 | 22

#6098473 - Friday 24 October 2014 1:12

I love that book!

By chelll_yeah | 13

#6098461 - Friday 24 October 2014 1:05

That is the cutest thing I've heard today lmao