Geek: Today, I was at the library. I went near the computer section... - FML

By weliveanddie14 - United States

Today, I was at the library. I went near the computer section when I saw this man cursing and pounding his fists on a computer. He left. I thought I'd check it out. As I sat down, a librarian came over with the security guard and pointed at me. I'm now being fined for destroying public property. FML

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Own it

Great first impression

Smelly cat, smelly cat…

By coolchicka05 - United States

Today, I chose to wear khaki dress pants to class to look professional. I was in the hallway when one of my professors pulled me aside to ask if I was feeling well. Apparently, the dryer had "eaten" my pants and made a large brown stain on the butt, making it look like I had crapped myself. FML

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By Screwed - United States

Today, I brought a cute guy back from the bar to have sex. He was drunk, so he had trouble getting it up, and I said jokingly "you need to work on that". We fell asleep, and I woke up the next morning to him gone and a note that said "you need to work on not farting in your sleep". FML

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By lastalittlelonger - United States

Bragging

Today, I received a text from my boyfriend telling me how much I wore him out the night before, from all the sex we were having. We had sex for two minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2021 08:01

Class dismissed

Today, I was watching porn with no headphones, because my roommate had left for work. He didn’t fill me in that his girlfriend was, one, even over at our place, and two was using the room next to me to teach her third grade class. Yeah. I’m going to get headphones. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, in an attempt to potty train my 2-year-old, I sat her on the toilet and waited for several minutes. I finally gave up and lifted her off the toilet just in time for her to pee on my new shoes. FML

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By Alisha Marie - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. He went outside for a "breather" and never came back. FML

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By CHStennis_4 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Because she farted, and thought it was "too awkward". FML

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By ashamed - United States - Buffalo

Get Lucky, sound of the summer

Today, my neighbor called me a lucky bastard and said he heard me getting my wife off last night. I was too ashamed to admit the sounds he was referring to were from my 17-year-old daughter after a wasp flew through her bedroom window. FML

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By Time to study again

Today, I was taking the SAT and feeling really confident in my answers. When we were close to finishing, some idiot pulled the fire alarm. All of us have to retake it. FML

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By hobo - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, I woke up to "we're leaving". I'm now homeless because my Dad and his girlfriend got into an argument over toilet paper. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a really cute waitress at lunch. I decided to leave my number and a $50 bill for a $15 check. When I left the restaurant I realized I still had the $50 but a $1 bill was missing from my wallet. I've been getting threatening text messages all day. FML

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By Joe - United States

Today, I had the cops called on me because I accidentally texted "I'm going to kill you and use your head as hood ornament" to my ex-fiancé, instead of my best friend. I only texted that because he got a better grade on an exam than me. Now I have a court date. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to quit my job. Why? Because I don't have a babysitter anymore. All I did was tell them I didn't want them mocking my baby when he cries. FML

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By Alex Andreas - United States - Edmond

Today, I found out where my sister's pet lizard escaped to. I also found out that the little shit likes to hide in dark, cold places. I discovered this when I heard the bastard squeal as I started the lawnmower. FML

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By damn cats

Today my cat watched me clean and refill his water bowls, then shoved his fresh-out-of-the-litter-box paw in my glass of water. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Paragould

Today, it was snowing but I had to let my dog out, so I picked him up and carried him outside. I slipped, landed on him and ended up breaking his leg. FML

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By danskinnow - United States

Today, I went to a store to buy a man's thong because my girlfriend wanted me to. When I went in I also grabbed some lingerie for her. Thinking I was being clever I wrapped it up in a t-shirt so no one would notice and went to checkout. The cashier then called for a price check on the thong. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I got an email from my professor with my grade for a paper. It said, "Solid writing, but you should have proofread your final draft more carefully." In a moment of annoyance, I typed in the reply box, "God should have proofread your FACE more carefully." My elbow hit the send button. FML

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By Madi Jenna - United States

Today, is the third day my ring won't come off. I used soap, vegetable oil, lotion, soaked my hand in ice to make the swelling of my finger to come down, and even my mom pulled so hard she dislocated my finger. FML

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By fail - United States

Today, at the library, somebody left themselves logged in to Facebook on a public computer after they had left. Trying to teach them a lesson, I updated their Facebook status to something outrageous. That's when they came back to the computer after getting something from the printer. FML

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By LonelyCashier

Today, an old woman came into my store for help. Towards the end, she asked me my name. I told her while pointing at my name tag. She then replied, "Oh! I didn't notice since I was staring at your boobs. Much prettier to look at." Sadly, this is the first time I've been hit on in months. FML

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By asthma_attacker - United States

Today, I asked a girl I like out. She ended up having an asthma attack because she was laughing so hard. I guess that's a no. FML

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By WastedTime - United States

Today, my boyfriend of one year told me not to walk beside him because people might "think we're together". FML

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By Sugar - United Kingdom

Today, British Telecom disconnected my landline by mistake. Their call centre in India tried to reach me. Result, they spoke to an unknown gentleman, who told them he didn't need a phone line at my address. Reconnection in 2 business days. FML

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By Distraught - Reserved

Today, the day before I was going to move in with my army fiancé, he was told he would be deployed very soon. I can't pay for the apartment without him, and now have to move back in with my parents until he returns from active duty. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I went to the funeral of my friend's brother. It was the first funeral I'd gone to, and I was really nervous. When the service finished, everyone went to pay their respects to the family. After I paid mine, they said, "Thank you for coming." I instictively replied, "My pleasure." FML

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By alicia - Canada - Montreal

Wanker

Today, I had to explain to my fiancé that having me watch him jerk off over a porno is not in fact considered foreplay. FML

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By GoDiarrhea - Argentina

Today, I came down with sudden diarrhea while at taekwondo practice. I discreetly called my dad for a pickup, but on our way out, he told my instructor that I had to go because I was "shitting my pants with fear". He did this in front of all my classmates. FML

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By use your brain mother - United States - Springville

Today, I told my mom I was going hiking with a couple of friends and wouldn't be back for 4 or more hours. Not even 2 hours later, she called the cops and reported us as missing. She didn't realize that we wouldn't have service up the canyon so we could call her back. FML

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By Foreverathome - United States

Today, after months of telling my parents I was going to live on my own, I finally moved out. Not even 24 hours being out of their house, some reject burned down the apartment complex I live in. Guess who's moving back home. FML

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By emoflowers - United States - Amarillo

Today, my mother made me see the doctor to see if I had irritable bowel syndrome, on the account of how often I go to the restroom. I then had to admit I only go in there to get away from my family. My doctor thought it was hilarious. My mom didn't. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/7/2020 20:01

A ghost

Today, I'm stuck in quarantine and my friends are planning stuff like swimming without me in our group chat, instead of doing it in another chat group. It's like I don't even exist. FML

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By Lonelyhopeful

Today, I was driving in a busy area looking for a place to park. I happened to lock eyes with a really handsome man who was walking alongside the road. He approached my car with a huge, gorgeous smile, and as I rolled my window down he asked, "Are you my Uber?" FML

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By killer - United States

Today, I was outside when a mouse ran toward my feet. There was a wall behind me, so I tried to jump over him. He changed course, and I landed on him. It crunched. FML

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By nerdsgetmehot - United States

Today, at 21 years old, I am still so flat chested that I can't even fit into training bras meant for 12 year olds. FML

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By peevedMcGee

Today, my cat pooped on the floor. After cleaning it up, I’m fairly certain it was not my cat but instead my roommate, who I also suspect is pooping in the litter box. FML

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By MrLonelyHertz - United States - Kingman

Today, I sat down for class. The second I sat down, the guy next to me stood up and moved all the way to the other side of the class. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Reston

Today, I found out my friend swapped my girlfriend and probation officer's numbers in my phone. My girlfriend is wondering why I asked her permission to leave the country, and my probation officer said she can't wait to see me again. FML

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By Anonymous

Not lovin' it.

Today, a kid pulled down my shorts while I was ordering at McDonald's. In my haste to pull them back up, I hit my head on the counter and was knocked out cold. I woke up on the floor, my shorts still around my knees, in a puddle of my own urine. I had peed myself while unconscious. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got in an argument with my wife. I told her that I feel like she immediately disagrees with anything I say. She immediately disagreed and said she never does that. FML

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Top comments

By Greg516 | 0

#178432 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:04

Tell them to check the security camera to prove you didn't do it.

By Seegtease | 0

#178648 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:59

What the heck is with all of you saying he deserves it for getting in other peoples business? The other guy left. There's no way you deserve it.

Maybe he wanted to look at the computer and see what was wrong with it. Sounds like he could have been trying to be helpful.

Pretty stupid librarian to not know that the guy left and you came there. She obviously wasn't paying very much attention to what people looked like, either.

Sucks.

COMMENTS

By SoFreakinNaive | 0

#178422 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:02

hah yay ive never been first! :D

but wow, that freakin sucks! :(

Reply

lizzilla8297 | 2

#1121419 - Thursday 22 July 2010 2:54

that's just sad. you shouldve told the workers there before sitting down.

By Greg516 | 0

#178432 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:04

Tell them to check the security camera to prove you didn't do it.

Reply

ReyEr9412 | 0

#947933 - Monday 15 March 2010 1:49

Security cameras in a library?

Reply

DaxBane | 1

#1954437 - Tuesday 11 January 2011 11:00

Not unheard of

Reply

Carol57 | 2

#3135482 - Thursday 18 August 2011 21:20

yeah,most libraries have them for every room. monitors are usually in their office.

By bigbuttsowhat | 0

#178454 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:07

show them the security tapes

By kspy | 0

#178456 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:08

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By tresicle | 4

#178458 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:08

You shouldn't of sat at his computer after he was beating it up...
I'm not saying that you deserved it, but next time, be a little more aware.

By loto_fml | 3

#178461 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:09

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

By rssffff08 | 0

#178469 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:10

if they don't have a security camera then its a fyl

By sunshyne84_fml | 0

#178490 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:13

right @#7
mind your business!!

By keezybaby_fml | 0

#178494 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:15

yeah...i mean if i was busted up, you are an idiot for even approaching it, let alone sitting down at it.

By hibarisanstr | 0

#178500 - Friday 8 May 2009 2:16

I've had worse...but YDI for u