Today, I was at the beach walking on the boardwalk without a... - FML

By gotmon3y - 7/4/2009 16:12 - United States

Today, I was at the beach walking on the boardwalk without a shirt on. Two cute girls are walking my way and I decide to try and impress them by flexing my abs. While I flexed them, I accidentally let a fart out that everyone heard. Everybody, including the girls, laughed hysterically at me. FML

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Fake News

The past that suits you best

Great guy

By Chelsea - 2/4/2012 17:31 - United States

Today, I met a really attractive guy outside of a club. We came back to my apartment and had sex. Afterward, we both fell asleep. I woke up and found 20 dollars on my nightstand that wasn't there before. He thought I was a prostitute, and apparently a cheap one. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/6/2014 21:20 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I went to work in my best outfit for the big corporate party we were having later in the day. When I arrived, my boss said, "You missed one hell of a party yesterday!" Shit. FML

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By Ear Invasion - 26/1/2013 05:53 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I made a new friend: the cricket the doctor pulled out of my ear canal. FML

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By anonymous - 23/12/2014 11:28 - Austria - Vienna

Today, I was yelled at in public for staring at a guy in a wheelchair. I was staring 'cause he was so good looking. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2012 12:29 - United States

Today, I woke up with the worst vaginal itching and swelling. I then find out it was brought on by my boyfriend's cheap brand of toilet paper. FML

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By akimbojuju - 22/6/2015 15:12 - United States

Today, my pinky finger found out how much a king size bed weighs. FML

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By Ophelia - 22/11/2012 05:44 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I was so bored with my job at McDonald's that I actually hoped someone would come in and make a huge mess for me to clean. No one did. FML

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By Nickname - 27/8/2018 06:00

Today, I came home to find my wife and my ex-wife naked in my bed. Apparently they've been in a relationship for five months. When I told my kids, they said that they were helping to keep the secret. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2019 00:01 - United States - Austin

Denied

Today, an Air Force recruiter called me. I've been wanting to join the Air Force for 5 years now. After chatting on the phone with him for 10 minutes, I mentioned to him that I had asthma. He quickly told me I can't join any of the military branches, and to have a good day. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2013 16:26 - Norway - Ytre Arna

Today, my mom let me stay home from school, because I was sick. We both agreed not to tell my dad, since he's adamant that I never miss even one day of school. A few hours after my mom left for work, he came back home, with another woman. FML

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By Sad.To.Be.Me. - 13/1/2012 23:56 - United States

Today, I was watching TV with my boyfriend, when a World of Warcraft commercial came on. He turned to me and said, "Yeah, I'd choose the Horde over you any day." FML

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By Jeri - 12/2/2010 08:41 - United States

Today, the day of my 29th birthday and two weeks after our 10th wedding anniversary, the only thing my husband got me for my birthday was divorce papers. Happy birthday, bitch. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/4/2012 17:47 - United States

Today, while my mom was driving me to work, we drove past a lake with an old wooden dock. She stopped the car, pointed and said, "Some guy fucked me right there. I got a splinter in my butt, though, so we finished in his car." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2010 15:40 - United States

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend watching a home made sex tape he had previously made with his ex-girlfriend. What's worse than him jerking off to it? He was crying and hugging a pillow. FML

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By alex327 - 29/10/2015 03:32 - United States - Dayton

Today, I tapped my sister on her shoulder to get her attention. I guess I was too close to her neck, which is where she is most ticklish, and ended up in the emergency room with a broken nose after she elbowed me in the face. I was just trying to repay her the $10 I borrowed from her. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2010 02:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend offered to give me a piggyback ride from the house to the car as means of avoiding walking in mud. Both aware of how tall he is, he crouched extra low and I jumped extra hard. This makes for a terrible example of leapfrog, and a faceplant in the mud. FML

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By Shodan2112 - 18/2/2011 15:25 - United States

Today, as I go to a small private Christian college, the academic dean came up to me and asked me to put some old records on CD, since I have a record player that can do that. I had to listen to eight records of old students from the 1970's singing bible thumper Christian hippie music. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2009 18:18 - United States

Today, I found out that the reason I hadn't gotten pregnant yet was because my husband had a vasectomy after the birth of his son. He even had the nerve to continously tell me, "it'll happen soon, baby" and let me believe we were trying. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/3/2020 02:00

Maoism intensifies

Today, like every evening, our place is literally shaking with banging noises from the apartment below. Are they raising ponies down there? Wrecking the furniture? Taking out some walls? No, it's just my landlord's six-year-old. Playing. FML

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By ScaryOldMan - 7/10/2009 07:57 - United States

Today, while trying to sleep, I kept hearing this groan/scream for help for about an hour. I decided to call 911 to send someone to investigate. Police came, I received a $100 parking fine and another citation for improper use of 911. The noise? Just a dog howling. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/10/2013 17:30 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up with a raging hangover. I soon checked my phone, only to find that I'd drunkenly sent nude pictures to several friends' numbers, as well as to my own. I'd then replied to my own message, saying that I'm not gay and telling myself to fuck off. FML

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By BAMashleyx3 - 6/6/2019 06:07

Today, my dad texted me while I was in the dentist's chair getting my teeth cleaned. The dental hygienist jumped at the notification sound my phone made and split my gum open. FML

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By FMyEx - 6/12/2012 11:50 - United States - Southington

Today, I was bartending. A guest was getting belligerent so I had to cut him off. He called me a bitch and threw the rest of his drink in my face before storming off. The belligerent asscandle was my boyfriend. FML

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By dev - 28/8/2011 06:18 - United States

Today, I was at my family reunion. I've always hated my family. I walked up behind my husband and said, "I can't wait to go home and make love." My husband turned around. It was my uncle wearing the same hat as my husband. FML

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By Mxx - 12/3/2020 12:30 - United Kingdom

Marcel Duchamp would be proud

Today, I was looking through an old box of personal artwork when I realised the entire box was damp. This was all my own art from the past 3 years, smudged and smelling of cat urine. I was supposed to showcase some of it in a competition winning gallery this month. FML

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By allergies - 18/9/2015 14:43 - United States - New York

Today, I sneezed while my ID photo was being taken. I look like a total moron in it. The photographer refused to retake the photo because I "clearly" faked the sneeze just to be funny. FML

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By dumbass724 - 13/1/2020 14:00 - Canada - Brampton

First day at work

Today, it was my first day of work, and I was wondering why everyone was staring and laughing at me. I looked down and I realized that the fly on my jeans was open. FML

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By brooklyn0118 - 12/9/2018 15:00

Today, I got home to find my dog had found and eaten my wedding rings. I get married in 2 days. FML

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By nurse - 3/11/2010 12:08 - Reserved

Today, I'm training to be a nurse in a hospital. Our teacher asked for a volunteer to demonstrate how bed restraints work. After I was shackled to the bed she said, "Now let's make sure they work. Are you ticklish?" My entire class tickled me until I screamed, cried and nearly wet my pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2010 16:18 - United Kingdom

Today, my 14 year-old son sent a broadcast on my blackberry saying ''I'm a young gay man looking for some fun!'' to all my contacts as a joke. What he didn't know was that it's my work phone. FML

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By porkabye - 2/8/2014 23:44 - United States - Duluth

Today, upon arriving at a town festival, I was immediately singled out by a rent-a-cop. He began questioning if I had been drinking, saying he smelt it on my breath. He smelt his own breath. FML

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By 613tanner - 19/5/2011 05:30

Today, I got pulled over for going about 88mph. When the cop asked why I was speeding, I replied, "I was trying to go back in time". He didn't like that answer and gave me a ticket. FML

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By anonymous - 22/12/2012 12:50 - Australia - Newcastle

Today, I asked my girlfriend to marry me. She pretended not to hear me. FML

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By Bee - 31/8/2009 16:28 - United States

Today, I was taking a piss in a port-o-john and thought it would be a good idea to aim at a bee I saw buzzing around. The bee thought it would be a better idea to sting me on the knob. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/9/2019 08:02 - United States - Staten Island

Date grape

Today, my boyfriend and I were drinking wine naked after sex. He went to get another glass, but on the way back tripped and fell flat on his face. His roommate unexpectedly came home, saw him face-down on the floor, thought I'd drugged him and tackled me before I could explain. FML

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By Me - 11/11/2012 00:29 - United States

Today, while at a stop light, I was rear-ended by a car behind me. The guy got angry at me, because according to him, I should've known that his car has poor braking distance, and so I should've moved forward a few more feet to compensate. FML

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By damnitsam - 6/8/2017 20:00

Today, while making lunch, I passed out. After waking up in the hospital, my brother yelled at me for leaving the freezer open. FML

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By I'veRunOuttaPatience - 31/8/2018 03:30

Today, I got scolded for how I treated my aunt and uncle's dogs while pet sitting. I was told it was my fault they had explosive diarrhea for "locking" them in the room they'd told me to put them in at night and doing everything they said when I reported they were sick. FML

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By Ms. Heartless - 16/12/2011 00:37 - United States

Today, I was riding the subway, reading a book, when a woman suddenly shoved a flyer over my book. Aghast by her rude gesture, I declined to take the paper. I looked over and noticed it was a flyer for a missing girl. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2020 23:02

Hormonal hell

Today, someone drank a sip of my single serve pasteurized orange juice and put it back in the fridge, ignoring the whole jug of non-pasteurized juice, that I cant drink because im pregnant. I cried. FML

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Top comments

By deathbybutterfly | 0

#91096 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 23:52

thats what you get when you lamly try to impress girls by being "macho"

By 420hiadventurer | 0

#91101 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 23:53

I'm going to assume that you are a male...if you aren't this would be a much more interesting fml.

COMMENTS

By deathbybutterfly | 0

#91096 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 23:52

thats what you get when you lamly try to impress girls by being "macho"

Reply

alex1502 | 0

#1660580 - Sunday 7 November 2010 3:11

Tip: next time you do that, flex your ass as well

Reply

i_wuz_nver_here | 31

#1892019 - Sunday 26 December 2011 4:16

dude if u flex ur abs it'll probably just look like ur trying to jack off or something.

By Somber_fml | 0

#91098 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 23:53

I bet they were all over you after that.

Reply

nateiztite | 5

#3281594 - Tuesday 13 September 2011 7:13

I farted right before I got to your part saying how you farted

By 420hiadventurer | 0

#91101 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 23:53

I'm going to assume that you are a male...if you aren't this would be a much more interesting fml.

Reply

mjoep1996 | 4

#1047646 - Tuesday 29 June 2010 1:49

on the top of the page it says that it's a male

By onmymind | 0

#91113 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 23:55

sucks
but I agreee with #1

By weinerdog | 2

#91114 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 23:56

That washboard stomach is good for something.

By ducklamp | 0

#91121 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 23:57

wow, you needed a witty comeback...i.e. "did someone step on a duck?" or "did you hear those barking spiders"

By rinaldy | 0

#91126 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 23:58

why is everybody being so mean- he didn't do something ridiculous he was just trying to impress them- wtf is wrong with that? it's not like he was doing something obnoxious or rude

By amelinat | 0

#91128 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 23:58

Ha ha that is awesome! I feel for you guy, but in the same situation I would have laughed at a fart too.

Farts are funny - thats why when somethings funny people say "thats gas"

Reply

MissIndependent2_fml | 0

#977331 - Saturday 10 April 2010 17:29

same
I laughed so hard at this I actually farted haha

By patrickhb | 0

#91131 - Tuesday 7 April 2009 23:59

Your own damn fault. Put a shirt on, you're offputting to look at anyway. They probably would have laughed at your efforts, fart or no fart. Pathetic.

By jm88 | 0

#91149 - Wednesday 8 April 2009 0:03

I'm still not certain if people who walk around without a shirt are egotistical douches or if I'm, in some way, jealous of it. I think its the former.