Miscellaneous: Today, I was at Starbucks after having a rough day. The old man... - FML

By scared to leave the house - Canada - Williams Lake

Today, I was at Starbucks after having a rough day. The old man beside me was talking to his friend. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him point at me and say, "See that beautiful girl over there?" Flattered, I listened closer, until he finished his statement with, "She's gonna die." FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Dodged a bullet

Pleased to meet you

By gibsonSG323 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend I was pregnant. While I was asleep, he drew a face on my stomach and when I woke up he was talking to it. He said it would be less weird if he was talking to my stomach with a face on it, representing the baby. According to him, our child is going to have a mustache. FML

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By ouchiee - United States

Today, I sprained my sternum in my rugby match. I now can't yell, laugh, cough, inhale or exhale fully, or sneeze without a sharp pain shooting through my chest. I have a pollen allergy, and sneeze every 5 or 10 minutes. FML

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By nearly20yetasfearfulasatoddlerhavingnightmares - United States - Allen

Today, it's my third night of finally living on my own in a house. I can't count the number of times I have run to my knife and pepper spray after hearing "suspicious" sounds. Maybe I'm not ready to be an adult after all. FML

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By craigtm029429 - United States

Today, while waiting tables, I watched a woman pull the bacon off her roast beef melt and eat it. She then called me over and spent several minutes complaining about the our chefs' inadequacy because they didn't put bacon on her sandwich. FML

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By virginmary - United States

Today, my mom told me that I am going to end up getting myself pregnant. I am 21 and a virgin. She continued to yell at me and call me a liar all night. I don't know which is worse, being a 21 year old virgin or my mother accusing me of lying about it. FML

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By notnerb - New Zealand

Today, I met up with a guy from a local dating site for coffee. He walked up, looked me over and said "Ummm, no", then walked off. FML

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By catlady - United States - Clifton Park

Today, I awoke at two in the morning to my cat putting his most recent kill on my chest. When I jumped up screaming, the dead mouse went flying and now my husband and I can't find it. Better yet now both my husband and my cat are giving me the silent treatment. FML

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By anashaalmajiid - United States

Today, my dad and a construction worker were having a long talk. I heard the door slam, and assumed that this worker had left. So I yelled out "Hey dad what were you talking about? Did you talk slowly so the idiot could understand?" Turns out my dad was the one who had walked out. FML

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By NotYourFriend

Today, I had to kick my husband's friend out of our house after a week. He left lights on, played video games all day, ate all of our food and laughed when his son hit my dog. He was only invited over for one dinner. FML

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By APersonSomewhere

Today, it’s my 21st birthday. The people I invited over spent most of the time talking about their LARP group which I am not a part of and so could not participate, talked over what I wanted to watch, and then it ended with an intervention by them for me because they were upset that I was upset. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2020 23:01

Covid 19 ain't going anywhere

Today, my fiancé and I decided to just have a small wedding and have a big reception later, out of concern for everyone’s health and safety. My mother won’t stop asking us, “What’s the point now?” I thought our marriage was the point. FML

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By UnluckyJulie - United States

Today, it was my 17th birthday. I didn't want my family to spend money on a cake, so my dad made this delicious apple ring. At least, it was great until my mouth began to itch and my throat closed. I have been allergic to nuts since birth, and my dad put walnuts in my birthday cake. FML

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By Etown - United States - Evansville

Today, a friend texted me to get a ticket and go to the theme park with her tomorrow. I bought a ticket and didn't hear from her until 5 hrs later to say she was sorry, but she doesn't think she'll be going. It was $65 and non refundable. FML

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By fedupson - United States - Milpitas

Today, I went driving for the first time with my mom. When she wasn't screaming, she gave great advice like, "Stop at the red light" and "Don't crash into cars". I need to drive 50 hours with her. FML

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By nottelling7012 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend of six months broke up with me because of 'creative differences', as she put it. The real reason is that we couldn't decide which cupboard the plates should have gone in. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad finally told me why he never paid child support to my mom when he was supposed to for the last ten years. His reason? Because I'm a girl and I wasn't that important. FML

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By LizLiao - United States

Today, I was running down the hallway when a door opens and hits me right on the face. I'm sitting there with my nose bleeding and a huge bump forming on my head. The guy who comes out is hugely fat, tries to help me up, trips, and falls on me. I accidentally groped his moobs while trying to push him off. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I found out the real reason why my brother wasn't at his fiancé's Halloween party. He's been in jail for the past 3 months. When was anyone going to tell me? FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, I went to have a breast exam. The doc told me that she would touch different parts of my breasts, and said to tell her if at any point it felt painful. As she was examining me, I was going to say that it wasn't painful, but instead I blurted out, "It feels good." FML

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By Juanald

Today, after being moved to three different employer-provided apartments because they all had mold and electrical problems, I requested a bigger bed. The bed they delivered had bedbugs. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2020 17:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Stinky

Today, I realized that my flatmate showers so little that the furniture she uses smells like BO. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2020 08:00

Evil will always win

Today, I tried to suspend a junior accountant for turning up to work late and stoned 3 separate times. Turns out his uncle is a part owner of the business, so the accountant got to smile his smug little grin as I got yelled at for not minding my own business. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Racine

Today, my son drank a bottle of hot sauce. It wasn't a dare, he actually thought that it would give him a fever so that he could skip school tomorrow. This idiot is 15 years old. FML

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By Clementine - Australia - Saint Kilda

Today, I went to a restaurant with my boyfriend. After dessert, he went to the bathroom so I quickly called the waiter over and paid the bill, thinking it was a nice gesture. When he returned, he broke up with me for "emasculating" him. FML

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By Singlewife

Today my husband got drunk and wrecked the house. And when I say wrecked the house, I mean ripping everything off book shelves, Tearing the ceiling fan out of the wall, Opening the fridge and shoveling everything out. Glass everywhere. etc. and this isn’t the first time. I clean up every time. FML

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By maxmess

Today, I'm staying with my in-laws. I'm obsessive about cleanliness and neatness. They're candidates for a certain show about hoarders. I want to shower in bleach. FML

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By FranticFarAwayDaughter

Today, my mother was transferred from the hospital to a long-term care facility. Nobody I talk to at the hospital knows what facility they sent her to. FML

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By wheezy - United States - Bay Springs

Today, while giving speech in class, I choked on my own spit and had a coughing fit while everyone stared at me intently. When I finally regained my composure, my teacher told me my time was up and to sit down. I hadn't even got finished the first paragraph. FML

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By MissYouPieceOfSkin - United States - Kirkland

Today, I had a nightmare in which I was haunted by the ghost of my foreskin. I then spent the whole day moping around, wondering what my life would've been like if my parents hadn't opted to slice it off. Will I see you in heaven, long-lost ghostly foreskin? FML

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By uvagirl - United States

Today, I came back to my apartment after moving most of my stuff out. Upon returning, I learned that my now ex-roommate drank all of my alcohol and threw away my things, thinking that I had forgotten them. FML

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By Craptastic

Today, at physical therapy, I felt that all-too-familiar gurgle in my gut, but I thought it would a light, silent fart. I squatted for an exercise and shit my pants in front of the cute, single, male physical therapist. He definitely noticed. I still had 30 minutes left in the session. FML

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By jcesom - United States

Today, my father taught my son to pee on trees outside. We went to the mall later and my son decided to practice what he'd learned on a potted plant. FML

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By Ethan - Australia

Today, I was having birthday dinner with my girlfriend and her parents, when her Dad asked what I got her she replied "He said he was going to give me a Pearl Necklace when we get home." I realized then that my girlfriend did not know what I meant by 'Pearl Necklace.' FML

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By Hungry - Australia - Brisbane

Cheat day

Today, I conveniently "forgot" to write down a bunch of stuff, including a huge kebab, in my Weight Watchers food journal. FML

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By ouch. - United States - Stamford

Today, I was washing the dishes when I gave myself a nasty gash on my leg from the open dishwasher door. After five minutes of cleaning up the blood and wrapping it up, I came back to finish the job only to drop a plate and send broken shards into my foot. FML

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By ~~~~ - Belgium - Hemiksem

Today, my boyfriend added me to his friends' private Whatsapp group, after weeks of asking him to include me in more of his life. It turns out almost all they do is post pictures of their shits and rate them. There is nearly a year's worth of pictures. FML

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By Frauded - United States

Today, I found my boyfriend of two years is a wanted man in the state of Texas, and was living under a fake identity for the past three years. What is he wanted for? Rampant identity theft. FML

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By Anonymous

Fight!

Today, I overheard my husband of 3 years talking to our boss, an attractive blonde. She was telling him that she couldn't believe he was with me. She thinks I'm fat and ugly and that he's hot. He said, "She's not that bad…" We work in the same store and she follows him around like a puppy. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were on a picnic date out in the country, things got a little heated. When we were switching positions, he screamed and started running around. Turns out neither of us noticed the beehive in the tree above us until his dick got stung. FML

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By KillMeNow - United States - Houston

Today, my visiting mother-in-law announced she plans on moving to our state and living next door. When I said that's not going to happen, she chuckled and said, "It's happening, Kate." Kate is my husband's ex-girlfriend from 8 years ago. FML

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Top comments

By hannaaaahr | 33

#4838913 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:15

at least he called you beautiful?

By illabye | 0

#4838930 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:16

Look on the bright side... You'll make a lovely corpse.

COMMENTS

By hannaaaahr | 33

#4838913 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:15

at least he called you beautiful?

Reply

redpickle | 1

#4838974 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:22

I'm pretty sure a death sentence trumps beauty...

Reply

hellachillin | 8

#4839092 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:44

She's obviously drop dead gorgeous..

Reply

Lexi_princess | 3

#4840278 - Monday 20 August 2012 19:04

Hahaha nice one #34

Reply

xxBitchxPleaSe | 6

#4841128 - Monday 20 August 2012 22:38

She must be so beautiful that she's to die for..

Reply

zandalee | 19

#4841432 - Tuesday 21 August 2012 0:46

Flick your hair back, grin showing lots of teeth, drop your handbag and dance around it. If he still stares at you with murderous intent, run like hell.

Reply

ekb777 | 13

#4841512 - Tuesday 21 August 2012 1:57

139, if I were the man in that situation I think I would run away..lol

Reply

brosbeforehos85 | 3

#5296755 - Sunday 30 December 2012 22:07

Maybe his friend is gonna die and he's trying to cheer him up?

By th3hardrocker | 12

#4838917 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:15

RUN LIKE HELL!!!

Reply

LO388 | 7

#4838951 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:18

But make sure you look both ways before running across the street!

Reply

Pandacupcakelove | 26

#4840026 - Monday 20 August 2012 17:54

I heard most accidents happens at home...

Reply

Psych101 | 9

#4840037 - Monday 20 August 2012 17:56

78- I think you mean most accidents happen within a mile of home. The solution, then, is obviously to move.

Reply

Pandacupcakelove | 26

#4840045 - Monday 20 August 2012 17:58

I meant "happen". Sorry, english is not my first language...

Reply

ColdplaySucks | 18

#4841326 - Tuesday 21 August 2012 0:02

"Woke Up This Morning... Gotta get yo self a gun!"

I suggest listening to that song if you feel threatened, OP.

By illabye | 0

#4838930 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:16

Look on the bright side... You'll make a lovely corpse.

Reply

Mioko_fml | 6

#4839120 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:48

Maybe he meant her organs not her face...

Oh wait, nvm, stupid comment.

Reply

Sasha693 | 4

#4839925 - Monday 20 August 2012 17:29

Put the lotion on the skin or it gets the hose again. Maybe he's a real life buffalo bill

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#4839954 - Monday 20 August 2012 17:33

Perhaps the old man was Benjamin Button.

Reply

yahoowizard | 16

#4840595 - Monday 20 August 2012 19:57

68 Benjamin Button could predict future deaths =0? I certainly saw that movie wrong

Reply

ant1ion | 12

#4840627 - Monday 20 August 2012 20:04

67- what?

Reply

FMLKitten | 15

#4840699 - Monday 20 August 2012 20:25

113- It's a movie reference, and not the greatest reference at that. Don't worry much about it.

By allforyoux3 | 25

#4838931 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:16

Uh oh. That's when you grab your coffee and quickly get out of there.

Reply

reallytho3 | 11

#4839194 - Monday 20 August 2012 17:08

What if he drugged the coffee...

Reply

BH1126 | 11

#4840515 - Monday 20 August 2012 19:43

Forget the coffee!

Reply

FtP_Benihana | 0

#4841530 - Tuesday 21 August 2012 2:13

"spill" the coffee on him

Reply

frankothetanko | 0

#4847548 - Wednesday 22 August 2012 11:17

splash the coffe on the old fart I say

By SierraaaNicoleee | 26

#4838933 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:16

Well, we all die eventually.

Reply

niall92 | 6

#4839189 - Monday 20 August 2012 17:06

yeah! it sounds like they were having a conversation about the frailty and impermanence of life. i think you just heard it out of context, op. no reason for alarm.

Reply

xcarxcrashx | 9

#4840068 - Monday 20 August 2012 18:06

Really 54?? You got all that from the two statements that she is beautiful and she is going to die? Wow

Reply

TriflingAllDay | 6

#4840082 - Monday 20 August 2012 18:09

I think 54 nailed it.

Reply

ambowew | 7

#4840138 - Monday 20 August 2012 18:34

Speak for yourself, I made Horcruxes.

Reply

ant1ion | 12

#4840933 - Monday 20 August 2012 21:20

93- I'll find them and destroy them mwahahaha

Reply

FMLKitten | 15

#4841121 - Monday 20 August 2012 22:37

93 & 122 - Then I'll write it down and sell the story underneath the name of J K Rowling... and hopefully make money.

Reply

Trix_Disorder | 20

#4841826 - Tuesday 21 August 2012 4:31

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what the guy meant.

By SwagPuppet | 3

#4838935 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:17

That's plain creepy. Be careful!

By Rose_916 | 16

#4838937 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:17

Be careful of what you do
Run op runnnn!

By ManInTheMachine | 19

#4838940 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:18

You obviously didn't stick around for the rest of his sentence. He was going to say that you'll die happy and loved, surrounded by friends and family. Way to make him look like a complete asshole.

Reply

Brownie101abc | 7

#4838991 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:26

I find tht weird either way.

Reply

monocyte | 4

#4841436 - Tuesday 21 August 2012 0:47

Or she's gonna die.. Her hair blonde?

By bsmith9942 | 11

#4838945 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:18

Of course you are going to die. Everyone dies. It's part of life. I'm sure that's what he meant. If he said you're going to die young, then you should be worried.

By Dmeister2008 | 3

#4838947 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:18

Don't do anything dangerous or go near anything dangerous no telling what may happen

Reply

LO388 | 7

#4839128 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:50

She might reach her final destination.