Miscellaneous: Today, I was at Starbucks after having a rough day. The old man... - FML

By scared to leave the house - Canada - Williams Lake

Today, I was at Starbucks after having a rough day. The old man beside me was talking to his friend. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him point at me and say, "See that beautiful girl over there?" Flattered, I listened closer, until he finished his statement with, "She's gonna die." FML

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Season finale

Taking stock

Time's up

By comics over coatis

Today, my boyfriend got mad at me for starting to give him oral sex because I wasn't paying attention to the Marvel movie he was showing me. FML

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By random - Canada

Today, I was approached by a police officer who instructed me to move because I was "threatening the elderly". I was sitting on a park bench in front of an old folks home. FML

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By SomeoneElse - United Kingdom

Today, I was in a music shop looking for a new guitar when someone called out someone else's name and jumped on my back. I lost balance and fell forward and broke 3 guitars and damaged another 6. The guy said "Sorry, thought you were someone else" and ran out. I now have to pay £2500. FML

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By Crystal Crackles

Today, I used my rear windsheild wiper and it shattered a large hole in the glass where the rotating part is. No one can repair the window until tomorrow afternoon. It's snowing. FML

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By AlexK - United Kingdom

Today, I was browsing my computer to find naked pictures of my ex-girlfriend. I decided it'd be funny to photoshop a penis onto one of the pictures. I'm straight and the new picture turned me on more than before. FML

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By FrozenD - Canada

Today, my furnace and all of my heating systems broke down. A fridge is 3 degrees Celsius; it is now 2 degrees Celsius in my house. I would be warmer in my fridge. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to jump out from behind the bedroom door to surprise my boyfriend on his birthday. I slipped and broke two ribs when I hit the ground. Instead of a sexy birthday evening, he got to take me to hospital. FML

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By angelamegan21 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, I burned my left breast with hot oil at work. Everyone's now calling me "toaster strudel" and singing "This girl is on fire" every time we cross paths. FML

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By chevysprint - Canada

Today, I locked my keys in my car. I was late for work so I went to smash the side window with a big rock. The rock bounced off the window and into my face. FML

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By random person - United States

Today, I sent the texts "I love and miss you babe;)." and "Shit wrong person." to my ex just so he would think I have a life. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Hamilton

Today, my boyfriend met my parents. Within minutes, my dad managed to verbally sever his balls and reduce him to tears, "just for fun" apparently. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I finally finished downloading a 60GB TV series after two weeks of waiting. Every single "episode" turned out to be Rick Astley singing Never Gonna Give You Up, on constant repeat. I almost respect the prankster's effort enough to not want to gut him like a fish. Almost. FML

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By twelvie - Australia - Sydney

Today, my younger sister stopped talking to me. I got engaged to my boyfriend of 4 years and apparently, she's been in love with him since she met him. Through me. She's 12. FML

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By Picky

Today, I woke up to my younger brother picking his nose with my fingers. His explanation? "You were sleeping." FML

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By jane - Australia

Today, I was pretending to be a monkey for a "documentary". The branch snapped and I fell out of the tree and onto a car roof. It was after school, I fell onto the dean's BMW. The video was on facebook before I regained consciousness. FML

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By

He prefers the dog

Today, my boyfriend kicked me out of bed so the dog could get under the covers. FML

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By SmileEveryday - United States

Today, I decided to ask my friend to the school dance. It's one where the girls ask the guys. I spent hours placing signs down his street so he would see them on his way home. As I'm waiting in his driveway with balloons I see his car reverse and go the other direction. FML

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By Stupid_Chick - Canada

Today, I found out that my family hides food from me. FML

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By akvan - 30/10/2020 06:01 - Canada - Toronto

Sounds lovely

Today, my coworker, who keeps calling me Mexican even though she knows I'm not, is telling everyone that I act like a bitch to our boss, even though she's the one who is always contradicting and fighting with her, and I always try to keep everything professional. No other jobs are calling me back. FML

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By Pop_Pies - Australia

Today, I had been working at the checkout for over 5 hours. Slighty tired while serving a customer, my eye accidentally twitched and I gave him a wink, he smiled and winked back. When I finished work 2 hours later he was outside, waiting for me, and followed me to my car, still smiling. FML

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By Angelica - United States

Today, I had to sit patiently at the checkout at work, listening to my own father rant about how the twinkies he was buying were "twice the size back in my day", and how "you could buy a dozen of these suckers for just 10 cents." He didn't stop there. No, he tried to haggle over the price. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Odenton

Today, I was teaching my daughter how to drive. We were passing by a merge lane; I told her to slow down and let a green car merge in front of us. She said, "Fuck the green car" and sped up, colliding with it. Apparently she didn't know that would happen. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2020 05:01

QUIET PLEASE

Today, where I live in Germany, you're supposed to be quiet between noon and 3 p.m., so people have a chance to take a nap or just eat lunch in peace, but 3 of my 4 neighbors seem to consider this the ideal time for any project that involves lawn-mowers and power tools. FML

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By ihateseagulls - United States

Today, while at the beach, my little sister thought it would be cute to feed a small seagull some of her food. Minutes later a flock of seagulls swarmed and attacked me and my sandwich. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I cleaned my toilet. I had forgotten it was white. FML

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By Alex - United States

Today, I had to run a mile in gym class for fitness training. If it takes longer than 10 minutes to run the stretch, you have to re-take it. My time was 10:02. FML

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By arianelagolden

Today, I see our boss, visiting from USA, press the button on the coffee machine, probably thinking the cup will drop automatically. No time to explain, I grab a cup in the cupboard and put it under the now pouring coffee. Next thing I know, I'm lying on the floor, my boss's bodyguard on top of me. FML

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By BW - United States

Today, I woke up on the coldest morning of the year to discover that the gas fireplace has run out of propane, and there is no water because the pipes are frozen. While trying to locate the frozen pipe, I forgot to let the dog out, and she peed on the carpet. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2021 06:00

Public freakout

Today, some punk got up in my face yelling at me, pushed my wife and scratched my car with a, "What you gonna do, old man?" attitude, and yet I’m the bad guy who gets arrested because I open-palm slapped him and he fell into a glass window and fucked up his face and neck, probably permanently. FML

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By Anonymous

So painful

Today, my sister caught me bent over trying to trim my pubic hairs. She took a photo of my spread ass as a joke and scared me so bad, I cut my clitoris. Currently in hospital hopped up on the really good morphine for the excruciating pain. Oh, and the stitches, God, I can't forget the stitches. FML

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By conchita - United States

Today, I panicked when I felt a hard bump on the side of my stomach. I thought I had appendicitis. Turns out it was my ab muscles. I've been overweight so long I didn't know what they felt like. FML

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By manhandled - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. He picked me up and threw me over his shoulder to take me to his room. He wasn't careful enough, and dropped me right on my head, on the hardwood floor. I ended up vomiting and came down with a headache. He still wanted to have sex. FML

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By Embarrassed - United States - Gloucester

Today, I was playing Charades with my boyfriend's family. When it was his turn, he pointed at me. His mother said "Bitch?" The answer was "relationship". FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Hassocks

Today, my best friend told me how his batshit insane girlfriend keeps questioning his sexuality and thinks we're screwing behind her back. He's so desperate for a relationship that he's decided to stop hanging out with me. Goodbye 7 years of friendship. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tampa

Today, I realized my girlfriend makes the same exact noises in bed and when she eats. I don't know if I'm a really good cook or a really bad lover. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2020 23:02

Alexa, play "Noise Annoys" by Buzzcocks

Today, I found out my mother only uses two settings for volume on her laptop: maximum volume or completely quiet. She'll play it over whatever other people are doing, and then get mad when they tell her to turn it down. FML

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By Rich - United States

Today, I let my dog outside so he could pee. After an hour, I let him back in. He just wanted to come inside to pee on the floor. FML

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By ilovecowboys - New Zealand

Today, on the train to work, the train guard was hot and I became stupidly nervous. I'm very shy and was trying to avoid eye-contact. He said 'THANK YOU', in a pissed off tone of voice and glared at me. I had absent-mindedly been staring in the direction of his prosthetic arm the entire time. FML

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By Photos - United States

Today, after I got home from school I went to my room to find the maid had cleaned it, also to find a bag labeled "trash" it was all the sketches and paintings I had done in art class, which is my major plan for college. FML

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By ohtheshame

Today, I sent a kinky text message to my boyfriend. Within minutes I got a reply of 'whoever this is, fuck off and give my girlfriend's phone back.' Apparently I'm so bad at writing sexy messages that my boyfriend thought it was a prank from someone who'd stolen my phone. FML

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Top comments

By hannaaaahr | 33

#4838913 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:15

at least he called you beautiful?

By illabye | 0

#4838930 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:16

Look on the bright side... You'll make a lovely corpse.

COMMENTS

By hannaaaahr | 33

#4838913 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:15

at least he called you beautiful?

Reply

redpickle | 1

#4838974 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:22

I'm pretty sure a death sentence trumps beauty...

Reply

hellachillin | 8

#4839092 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:44

She's obviously drop dead gorgeous..

Reply

Lexi_princess | 3

#4840278 - Monday 20 August 2012 19:04

Hahaha nice one #34

Reply

xxBitchxPleaSe | 6

#4841128 - Monday 20 August 2012 22:38

She must be so beautiful that she's to die for..

Reply

zandalee | 19

#4841432 - Tuesday 21 August 2012 0:46

Flick your hair back, grin showing lots of teeth, drop your handbag and dance around it. If he still stares at you with murderous intent, run like hell.

Reply

ekb777 | 13

#4841512 - Tuesday 21 August 2012 1:57

139, if I were the man in that situation I think I would run away..lol

Reply

brosbeforehos85 | 3

#5296755 - Sunday 30 December 2012 22:07

Maybe his friend is gonna die and he's trying to cheer him up?

By th3hardrocker | 12

#4838917 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:15

RUN LIKE HELL!!!

Reply

LO388 | 7

#4838951 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:18

But make sure you look both ways before running across the street!

Reply

Pandacupcakelove | 26

#4840026 - Monday 20 August 2012 17:54

I heard most accidents happens at home...

Reply

Psych101 | 9

#4840037 - Monday 20 August 2012 17:56

78- I think you mean most accidents happen within a mile of home. The solution, then, is obviously to move.

Reply

Pandacupcakelove | 26

#4840045 - Monday 20 August 2012 17:58

I meant "happen". Sorry, english is not my first language...

Reply

ColdplaySucks | 18

#4841326 - Tuesday 21 August 2012 0:02

"Woke Up This Morning... Gotta get yo self a gun!"

I suggest listening to that song if you feel threatened, OP.

By illabye | 0

#4838930 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:16

Look on the bright side... You'll make a lovely corpse.

Reply

Mioko_fml | 6

#4839120 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:48

Maybe he meant her organs not her face...

Oh wait, nvm, stupid comment.

Reply

Sasha693 | 4

#4839925 - Monday 20 August 2012 17:29

Put the lotion on the skin or it gets the hose again. Maybe he's a real life buffalo bill

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#4839954 - Monday 20 August 2012 17:33

Perhaps the old man was Benjamin Button.

Reply

yahoowizard | 16

#4840595 - Monday 20 August 2012 19:57

68 Benjamin Button could predict future deaths =0? I certainly saw that movie wrong

Reply

ant1ion | 12

#4840627 - Monday 20 August 2012 20:04

67- what?

Reply

FMLKitten | 15

#4840699 - Monday 20 August 2012 20:25

113- It's a movie reference, and not the greatest reference at that. Don't worry much about it.

By allforyoux3 | 25

#4838931 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:16

Uh oh. That's when you grab your coffee and quickly get out of there.

Reply

reallytho3 | 11

#4839194 - Monday 20 August 2012 17:08

What if he drugged the coffee...

Reply

BH1126 | 11

#4840515 - Monday 20 August 2012 19:43

Forget the coffee!

Reply

FtP_Benihana | 0

#4841530 - Tuesday 21 August 2012 2:13

"spill" the coffee on him

Reply

frankothetanko | 0

#4847548 - Wednesday 22 August 2012 11:17

splash the coffe on the old fart I say

By SierraaaNicoleee | 26

#4838933 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:16

Well, we all die eventually.

Reply

niall92 | 6

#4839189 - Monday 20 August 2012 17:06

yeah! it sounds like they were having a conversation about the frailty and impermanence of life. i think you just heard it out of context, op. no reason for alarm.

Reply

xcarxcrashx | 9

#4840068 - Monday 20 August 2012 18:06

Really 54?? You got all that from the two statements that she is beautiful and she is going to die? Wow

Reply

TriflingAllDay | 6

#4840082 - Monday 20 August 2012 18:09

I think 54 nailed it.

Reply

ambowew | 7

#4840138 - Monday 20 August 2012 18:34

Speak for yourself, I made Horcruxes.

Reply

ant1ion | 12

#4840933 - Monday 20 August 2012 21:20

93- I'll find them and destroy them mwahahaha

Reply

FMLKitten | 15

#4841121 - Monday 20 August 2012 22:37

93 & 122 - Then I'll write it down and sell the story underneath the name of J K Rowling... and hopefully make money.

Reply

Trix_Disorder | 20

#4841826 - Tuesday 21 August 2012 4:31

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what the guy meant.

By SwagPuppet | 3

#4838935 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:17

That's plain creepy. Be careful!

By Rose_916 | 16

#4838937 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:17

Be careful of what you do
Run op runnnn!

By ManInTheMachine | 19

#4838940 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:18

You obviously didn't stick around for the rest of his sentence. He was going to say that you'll die happy and loved, surrounded by friends and family. Way to make him look like a complete asshole.

Reply

Brownie101abc | 7

#4838991 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:26

I find tht weird either way.

Reply

monocyte | 4

#4841436 - Tuesday 21 August 2012 0:47

Or she's gonna die.. Her hair blonde?

By bsmith9942 | 11

#4838945 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:18

Of course you are going to die. Everyone dies. It's part of life. I'm sure that's what he meant. If he said you're going to die young, then you should be worried.

By Dmeister2008 | 3

#4838947 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:18

Don't do anything dangerous or go near anything dangerous no telling what may happen

Reply

LO388 | 7

#4839128 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:50

She might reach her final destination.