Today, I was at Starbucks after having a rough day. The old man... - FML

By scared to leave the house - 20/8/2012 09:14 - Canada - Williams Lake

Today, I was at Starbucks after having a rough day. The old man beside me was talking to his friend. Out of the corner of my eye, I saw him point at me and say, "See that beautiful girl over there?" Flattered, I listened closer, until he finished his statement with, "She's gonna die." FML

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Cold-blooded old times

Dad jokes, part 43884

The student becomes the master

By randa - 19/4/2011 06:38

Today, I told my son that his grades are dropping and his behavior is getting out of hand. To which he replied, "Yeah, so is your weight." FML

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By promposer - 4/4/2016 18:55 - United States - Dobbs Ferry

Today, I asked a girl to prom by having 5 friends hold up signs saying "P-R-O-M-?" while I snuck up behind her. She said yes... to my friend holding the "?", who she thought was the one asking her. FML

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By AloisTrancy - 24/10/2019 22:00

Corporate logic

Today, I was called into the office and suspended due to allegations made by a coworker of poor work performance. Yesterday, I received a certificate praising my work performance. I might be dismissed at any moment. FML

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By ohgod. - 10/10/2012 02:59 - United States - Daytona Beach

Today, I found out that my daughter's "pen pal" is really a 58-year-old man in prison. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/7/2014 16:54 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, a grown man yelled at me because he'd been waiting for 15 minutes and still hadn't been seated or had his order taken. We were at a self-serve breakfast buffet. FML

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By Bad parenting101 - 8/1/2017 03:23 - United States - Denver

Today, my son shaved his eyebrows. Two days ago, I caught my 10-year-old daughter watching porn. I'm totally winning at parenting. FML

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By YuckyDuckyLucky - 3/6/2015 17:36 - Norway - Oslo

Today, I attempted to break the record for the heaviest squat in my local gym. A small crowd witnessed me breaking the record as well as releasing a huge fart. FML

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By lyss - 16/11/2018 10:30 - United States - New Prague

Today, my 4-year-old daughter asked me when I was going to be skinny like her daycare lady. FML

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By areyouserious - 17/11/2014 03:46 - United States - Fresno

Today, my older brother thinks typing out a Wikipedia article for an essay is not plagiarism, because he didn't "copy and paste" it. He's in college. FML

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By rmonk - 6/7/2016 12:17 - United States - Carpentersville

Today, I was hanging out with a friend at an ice cream place, and a guy started chatting with us. As he eventually went to leave, he told me "That's a nice looking date you got there." Then he turned to my friend. "Wish I could say the same to you." FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2009 23:45 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. After about 10 minutes, while we changed positions, he shouts, "Power Rangers - It's Morphin' Time!" FML

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By bluskyz1979 - 17/5/2016 15:32 - United States - Cypress

Today, my boyfriend and I were on a date and he starts complaining about how his back is hurting him. He complains the whole evening. Fast forward to later that night, we are in bed so I ask him if he was feeling OK. He says, "I guess so. I'm just confused about my feelings for you." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2015 09:46 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I returned a rental car and almost got charged extra for the "funky and rotten" smell in the car. I blamed it on a sausage roll, not having the heart to tell the woman it was my fart from a minute before. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2016 14:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I called my boyfriend and asked if he wanted to come watch a movie. He seemed eager, until I said I needed the company because my period had started. He then went dead silent, waited a few seconds before starting to fake-snore, then hung up on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2019 00:17

Today, after I got pregnant 22 years ago and my husband became way too overprotective to the point where he became a right pain in the ass, I’m now accidentally pregnant again. It turns out my now 22-year-old son is almost as bad as his dad was. Now I’ve got two of the sods to deal with. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2013 19:28 - United States - Warren

Today, my mother and I got into an argument, and she told me to go to my room. I refused, prompting her to slap the shit out of me. I'm 29, and she was visiting me at my own house. FML

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By PEGASISTER FOR LIIIIIIIIFFFFFEEEEE!!!!! - 8/6/2012 21:30 - Mexico

Today, I was running late and couldn't find my purse anywhere. My sleep-deprived brain came up with the brilliant idea of trying to phone it. FML

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By hannaholic - 3/7/2009 07:24 - United States

Today, I went on an excellent first date. After the 'end of the date kiss' came, "I suppose this is where I tell you that I'm married." FML

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By ladylarni - 7/4/2013 08:20 - Australia

Today, my ex-husband officially became my stepdad. FML

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By kallens - 15/1/2009 23:08 - United States

Today, I was at Target with my mom. After 10 minutes of my mom walking around looking confused, I said, "Mom, what are you looking for? I worked at this place for 4 years, I know where everything is." My mom was looking for KY. FML

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By LonelyStranger - 2/12/2019 05:00 - United States - Lake Stevens

Alone

Today, I was really excited to go to a party because I need to make more friends. Too bad a snowstorm hit right before I was going to leave, now I'm alone with no power. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2010 14:41 - Germany

Today, after almost a week of being bed-ridden with a bad flu, my mom told me it was my job to clean the house. When I told her I still had a fever and didn't feel well, she looked at me and said in an understanding voice "It's okay honey, you can do it slowly." FML

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By Crushgonewrong - 22/6/2016 21:42 - United States - Compton

Today, I told the cute girl in my office that she looked like she listened to country music, as an icebreaker. She blankly stared at me for what felt like forever, and responded with, "That's the worst thing you could say to a person," and walked away. She hasn't talked to me since. FML

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By pod - 25/6/2011 23:29 - United States

Today, my boyfriend threw me into his pool. I had my phone and iPod in my pockets. FML

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By yulis - 30/11/2013 19:21 - United States - Hagerstown

Today, I got pulled over on the highway for going over the speed limit. The cop seemed nice, and I was sure he'd let me off with a warning, until my husband piped up with, "Didn't think you folks came out this far. What, the donut store got shut down or some shit?" I got the ticket. FML

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By Missa - 4/7/2009 03:04 - Canada

Today, one of our store's beach balls came out of nowhere and whacked me in the back of my head. I started reaming out two young girls for playing in the store, even when they said it wasn't them. Soon after, one of my employees admitted that it was her. I made some 7 year olds cry and it wasn't them. FML

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By unlucky neighbors - 6/12/2013 09:36 - China - Shanghai

Today, I was staying at a seedy apartment. A group of drunken idiots next door decided it would be fun to run into the wall simultaneously. They broke through the rotted wall and ran me over. FML

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By Ewwwwww - 4/2/2010 18:53 - United States

Today, I discovered that the rancid stench in my bathroom was a decaying carcass of a mouse in my toilet tank. FML

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By demix_fml - 6/10/2019 02:01

Cat vs. pancakes

Today, it's my birthday, I knew I would be on my own, so I brought some pancakes, only to come down and find that not only had my cat eaten them, but also that I’d have to clean his barf up. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By kelly.duggan - 21/4/2014 04:03 - Canada - Carleton Place

Today, I went to get an ultrasound done. I texted my ex, who's the father, and told him how adorable its little feet are, and asked him why he didn't come. I got a reply with two words: "DNA test". FML

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By no_leather_of_any_kind - 7/4/2009 07:08 - United States

Today, I went on a date with this girl I met online. The conversation drifted and we were talking about how we'd prefer to die, if we had a choice. I said, "I want to skydive over the ocean without a parachute." She said she wants to be made into a wallet. FML

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By thjeltz - 27/10/2010 18:48 - Canada

Today, I was showering at hockey practice. It would have been business as usual, if not for one of my teammates playing with his junk and not-so-subtly asked me to connect. There are 5 more months of hockey. FML

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By RosesAreRed - 14/2/2010 18:52 - United States

Today, I received a bouquet of flowers. I thought they might be from my crush, so I excitedly opened the card. It was from my druggie ex-boyfriend, who apparently can't move on with his life even after three years. The contents of the card? "Baby, I got you like a habit, and I can't give you up". FML

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By anonymous - 14/3/2010 05:04 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend said he wanted to marry me. Since he doesn't know my ring size he asked for me to find a ring that I liked and he would buy it and propose. The only problem is that he won't spend more than 200 dollars on it. Oh the generosity. FML

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By ughreally - 20/9/2013 00:20 - United States - Sartell

Today, I went on a blind date. He showed up in a shirt that read, "I f*ck on first dates". FML

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By - 17/11/2019 18:00

I will always be in her thought

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after being "pressured" into a relationship with another guy. But it's okay, she said she would think of me every time she made love to him. FML

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By fmylyfe - 9/11/2013 14:15 - United States - Saint Paul

Today, while working at Chipotle, a teenage girl asked in all seriousness if she "could have a steak burrito, but with like, chicken instead?" FML

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By nomorepetbird - 6/1/2010 03:30 - United States

Today, my pet bird died. He had caught some illness and had been extremely sick for the past few days. He didn't die from the illness though. My dog ate him. FML

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By Aled - 17/2/2011 16:33 - United Kingdom

Today, I found my mom eating cat biscuits. We don't have a cat. FML

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By weddinggirl - 27/8/2010 09:57 - Germany

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years finally asked me to marry him. He said: We could save taxes if we married.. what do you think? That was the most romantic thing he said to me in the last 2 years. FML

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Top comments

By hannaaaahr | 33

#4838913 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:15

at least he called you beautiful?

By illabye | 0

#4838930 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:16

Look on the bright side... You'll make a lovely corpse.

Comments

By hannaaaahr | 33

#4838913 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:15

at least he called you beautiful?

Reply

redpickle | 1

#4838974 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:22

I'm pretty sure a death sentence trumps beauty...

Reply

hellachillin | 8

#4839092 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:44

She's obviously drop dead gorgeous..

Reply

Lexi_princess | 3

#4840278 - Monday 20 August 2012 19:04

Hahaha nice one #34

Reply

xxBitchxPleaSe | 6

#4841128 - Monday 20 August 2012 22:38

She must be so beautiful that she's to die for..

Reply

zandalee | 19

#4841432 - Tuesday 21 August 2012 0:46

Flick your hair back, grin showing lots of teeth, drop your handbag and dance around it. If he still stares at you with murderous intent, run like hell.

Reply

ekb777 | 13

#4841512 - Tuesday 21 August 2012 1:57

139, if I were the man in that situation I think I would run away..lol

Reply

brosbeforehos85 | 3

#5296755 - Sunday 30 December 2013 22:07

Maybe his friend is gonna die and he's trying to cheer him up?

By th3hardrocker | 12

#4838917 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:15

RUN LIKE HELL!!!

Reply

LO388 | 7

#4838951 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:18

But make sure you look both ways before running across the street!

Reply

Pandacupcakelove | 26

#4840026 - Monday 20 August 2012 17:54

I heard most accidents happens at home...

Reply

Psych101 | 9

#4840037 - Monday 20 August 2012 17:56

78- I think you mean most accidents happen within a mile of home. The solution, then, is obviously to move.

Reply

Pandacupcakelove | 26

#4840045 - Monday 20 August 2012 17:58

I meant "happen". Sorry, english is not my first language...

Reply

ColdplaySucks | 18

#4841326 - Tuesday 21 August 2012 0:02

"Woke Up This Morning... Gotta get yo self a gun!"

I suggest listening to that song if you feel threatened, OP.

By illabye | 0

#4838930 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:16

Look on the bright side... You'll make a lovely corpse.

Reply

Mioko_fml | 6

#4839120 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:48

Maybe he meant her organs not her face...

Oh wait, nvm, stupid comment.

Reply

Sasha693 | 4

#4839925 - Monday 20 August 2012 17:29

Put the lotion on the skin or it gets the hose again. Maybe he's a real life buffalo bill

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#4839954 - Monday 20 August 2012 17:33

Perhaps the old man was Benjamin Button.

Reply

yahoowizard | 16

#4840595 - Monday 20 August 2012 19:57

68 Benjamin Button could predict future deaths =0? I certainly saw that movie wrong

Reply

ant1ion | 12

#4840627 - Monday 20 August 2012 20:04

67- what?

Reply

FMLKitten | 15

#4840699 - Monday 20 August 2012 20:25

113- It's a movie reference, and not the greatest reference at that. Don't worry much about it.

By allforyoux3 | 25

#4838931 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:16

Uh oh. That's when you grab your coffee and quickly get out of there.

Reply

reallytho3 | 11

#4839194 - Monday 20 August 2012 17:08

What if he drugged the coffee...

Reply

BH1126 | 11

#4840515 - Monday 20 August 2012 19:43

Forget the coffee!

Reply

FtP_Benihana | 0

#4841530 - Tuesday 21 August 2012 2:13

"spill" the coffee on him

Reply

frankothetanko | 0

#4847548 - Wednesday 22 August 2012 11:17

splash the coffe on the old fart I say

By SierraaaNicoleee | 26

#4838933 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:16

Well, we all die eventually.

Reply

niall92 | 6

#4839189 - Monday 20 August 2012 17:06

yeah! it sounds like they were having a conversation about the frailty and impermanence of life. i think you just heard it out of context, op. no reason for alarm.

Reply

xcarxcrashx | 9

#4840068 - Monday 20 August 2012 18:06

Really 54?? You got all that from the two statements that she is beautiful and she is going to die? Wow

Reply

TriflingAllDay | 6

#4840082 - Monday 20 August 2012 18:09

I think 54 nailed it.

Reply

ambowew | 7

#4840138 - Monday 20 August 2012 18:34

Speak for yourself, I made Horcruxes.

Reply

ant1ion | 12

#4840933 - Monday 20 August 2012 21:20

93- I'll find them and destroy them mwahahaha

Reply

FMLKitten | 15

#4841121 - Monday 20 August 2012 22:37

93 & 122 - Then I'll write it down and sell the story underneath the name of J K Rowling... and hopefully make money.

Reply

Trix_Disorder | 20

#4841826 - Tuesday 21 August 2012 4:31

Yeah, I'm pretty sure that's what the guy meant.

By SwagPuppet | 3

#4838935 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:17

That's plain creepy. Be careful!

By Rose_916 | 16

#4838937 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:17

Be careful of what you do
Run op runnnn!

By ManInTheMachine | 19

#4838940 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:18

You obviously didn't stick around for the rest of his sentence. He was going to say that you'll die happy and loved, surrounded by friends and family. Way to make him look like a complete asshole.

Reply

Brownie101abc | 7

#4838991 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:26

I find tht weird either way.

Reply

monocyte | 4

#4841436 - Tuesday 21 August 2012 0:47

Or she's gonna die.. Her hair blonde?

By bsmith9942 | 11

#4838945 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:18

Of course you are going to die. Everyone dies. It's part of life. I'm sure that's what he meant. If he said you're going to die young, then you should be worried.

By Dmeister2008 | 3

#4838947 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:18

Don't do anything dangerous or go near anything dangerous no telling what may happen

Reply

LO388 | 7

#4839128 - Monday 20 August 2012 16:50

She might reach her final destination.