Miscellaneous: Today, I was at my friends house celebrating his 16th birthday.... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my friends house celebrating his 16th birthday. I couldn't find my phone so I asked my friend's girl if I could borrow her phone to see if I could hear mine ringing. I dial my number and look down to find she has my number is saved in her phone as ASS FACE #3. FML

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BO Central

Our house, in the middle of our street

Ant life

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - New Malden

Today, my husband actually tried to pay me to forget about the affair that he's been having. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was dissecting a pig for my anatomy class. The smell of four day-old dead pig caused me to faint. My mom drove me home and warmed me up some left overs for lunch. It was pork chops. FML

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By Zoe Avila - United States

Awkwaaaaaaard

Today, a downstairs neighbor of mine claimed money from me because apparently my dog took a dump on the fire escape, and the poop fell through the grates and on her groceries. I don't have a dog, but I paid the money anyway, because I was too ashamed to tell her it was my husband. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Gassy

Today, I decided to take a nap in the university library. I felt like I'd only closed my eyes for a minute, when a guy woke me up to tell me that I'd been farting in my sleep for the last half hour, and that the librarian was becoming concerned. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while trying to get my phone to charge, I shoved in the cable harder and harder and tried to wobble it so my phone would charge. After snapping the USB input from the force, I saw the plug was switched off. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2020 02:02

Preventive measures

Today, I was minding my own business when the guy I have a crush on sat down next to me at work, explained that he heard that I had a crush on him and that he was flattered, but that we should "be friends" because I'm a "nice girl". I was rejected by someone I didn't even pursue. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor thinking I had breast cancer. Turns out, I have a third boob. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, we were celebrating my birthday and my boyfriend thought it would be funny to shove my face in the cake. While the candles were still lit. FML

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By its still broken - United States - Jacksonville

Today, my neighbor came over to borrow my lawnmower. As I have previously loaned it to him and he returned it broken, I refused. He then promptly ate the strawberries off my daughter's small strawberry plant and stormed off. FML

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By jshum - Australia - South Yarra

Today, I bought a new phone. It's shock proof, water proof, you name it. Just not kitten proof, it seems. That's $400 down the drain. FML

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By tagteam - United States - Worcester

Today, after backpacking acrossing Europe for a month, I picked up my dog from the doghouse. No one will listen to me or acknowledge the fact that he's now missing two toes. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, my boss rang me for the 5th time on my day off. Frustrated I pushed 'ignore' and yelled a string of obscenities at my phone. Turns out I pushed 'talk'. FML

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By wellfuck - United States - Clarksville

Today, I got a call from a job I had applied for. Everything went great until I realized I had applied to the wrong location, across town. I'm so broke, I went to the interview anyway. It will cost me more to pay for the gas to drive there to work, than what I will actually make. FML

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By wtf - United States

Today, my ex girlfriend that I still love sent me a text, quote "I still love you, but i'm not IN love with you" Um, what? FML

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By SonOfaSpy - United States

Today, we found out why we were getting notes on our door telling us to "move out or else." As my mom works for the government and we have a direct-TV dish on our roof, our neighbor thinks we were sent to listen to his phone calls and read his mind. We were here before he was. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I was fired. My boss told me via email that it was because I "don't have enough experience with fun spiritual." Uh, what? FML

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By Jen__ - Canada - Kitimat

Today, once again I was told I looked a bit like Lindsay Lohan. I can't figure out if they mean the young, good looking one, or the current cracked out rehab version. FML

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By backfat

Baby Got Back

Today, while in bed, my fiancé rolled over in the dark and complimented me on my nice buttocks. He had actually grabbed a roll of back fat. FML

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By erockinthesuburb - United States - Algonquin

Today, I was stopped and searched by a cop, and he quickly found the bag of weed in my pocket. He didn't arrest or fine me, but he did confiscate my weed and told me to "get lost." Pretty sure I just got legally mugged. FML

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By CatLover<3 - United States - Cibolo

Today, I tried to explain to my cat why I was single, but then I realized why. FML

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By Sally - United States

Today, my roommate came home and began changing clothes in the same room that my boyfriend and I were in. I quickly got annoyed and angry and when I began questioning her about it she just laughed while saying, "Oh relax, it's not like he's never seen me naked before." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Toledo

Today, I went to a Father's Day lunch with my dad and his fiancée. He suddenly began to describe, in detail, the vasectomy he'd just had, and that I shouldn't be expecting any new siblings any time soon. Thanks for the mental image, Dad. FML

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By E-fail - 7/10/2020 08:53 - Canada - Bathurst

On yer bike

Today, I received my new e-bike. I could barely afford it but I desperately needed a method of transportation. On my second ride, I splashed through a fresh sidewalk. There was sidewalk in the chain, in the brakes, everywhere. There goes my brand new bike. FML

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By lrgenesis - United States

Today, my mom friended all my friends on Facebook then thought it'd be a good idea to try and act like a teen so she'd be considered 'cool'. FML

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By thetheatreguy - Canada

Today, I went on the best date I've been on in years. Later on, over drinks we get talking and I explain how I came out to my friends and family. When I ask him how he came out, he replies that he isn't gay, and oh, did I think this was a date? FML

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By probably_the_ex_now - United States

Today, my boyfriend introduced me to his family. They were drinking and having fun, so I joined in. I had one too many, got really goofy and then suggested the farting game. "Sorry, I can't hold my liquor!" I quickly explained. My boyfriend's mom shot me a cold look and said, "It's non-alcoholic." FML

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By SayCheese - Canada - Prince George

Today, my older brother walked in on me while I was wearing nothing but a bra, panties, pantyhose, and high heels. I'm his little brother. FML

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By koletatlow19 - Canada

Today, my boss fired me because "I didn't get the right kind of coffee beans." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my roommate had mistaken my toothbrush for his dog's. So for the last month he's been using my toothbrush on his dog. The dog's favorite meal? Fresh cat poop. FML

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By Ashe - Australia - Carrum

Today, I was admitted to hospital for suspected kidney failure. I called my best friend to let her know I couldn't make it to her birthday party tonight. She seemed to be infinitely more upset that I wouldn't be able to give her a birthday present. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, at 2 in the morning, my water broke. I called my mom and woke her up to come watch our older kid, while my husband and I went to the hospital. After being tested at the hospital, I was told I had just peed myself. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was driving my dad, who recently turned 50, to the store and had to listen to him go on and on that he’s having to accept that, as my siblings and I get older and are more independent, he’s having to transition from "sex god to just a dad." I don't know either. FML

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By dating a big bag of dicks - United States

Today, while driving out to the countryside with my new boyfriend, we came across a deer lying in the road. It seemed badly hurt, but instead of letting me get out and make sure, my boyfriend decided to just run over its head to finish it off, then continued driving with a smirk on his face. FML

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By Jenna Berreth

Ask first, snoop later

Today, I was trying to find my missing purple pen in the house I share with my boyfriend and his 57 year-old mother. I checked her room just in case, only to open a drawer and be greeted by a dildo. I’m never going to unsee that. FML

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By just_a_bit_akwRd - United States

Today, I was putting on my new pair of jeans, when my girlfriend walked in. She found the "XS" size sticker on the side of my pants, held it for a little while then put it on my crotch. She then looked at me, gave a little shrug and half-smile and walked away. FML

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By Guess - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend of nine months that depression runs in my family and I think the reason I've been flipping shit so much lately may be that I am depressed. Not five minutes later he decided a break would be "the best thing for us right now." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I witnessed my dad wake himself from a nap with his own fart and start panicking in confusion. I guess I shouldn't have broken down laughing, because he demanded to know what I did to him. He didn't believe the truth and bitched me out for screwing around. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Saint-laurent

Today, after working the midnight shift at my job, I thought it would be nice to leave a sweet love note along with my boyfriend's favourite candy in his car. Upon finding it, he immediately broke up with me for "breaking into" his car. FML

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By SadFace - United States

Today, my looks alone made a girl cry. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany - Oberursel

Today, I woke up to a huge, disgusting bug next to my bed. As I tried to squish it, it suddenly flew off at high speed. Now I'm lying in bed, awake and terrified because I can hear it buzzing around but can't see it anywhere. FML

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Top comments

By Woahwut | 0

#56430 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:09

It's better than "ASS FACE #1"

By Serial | 2

#56423 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:07

you must talk alot of shit to have that name

COMMENTS

By bonestructure | 0

#56414 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:06

HAHAHAHAHA
sorry wow!

Reply

Guuurlplease | 0

#857230 - Monday 15 February 2010 7:04

and?

Reply

CrazyDutch | 0

#1678314 - Wednesday 10 November 2010 18:29

ydi for having an assface

By route95 | 0

#56416 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:06

If i don't like someone I save them with names like that. A variety of douchebag, asshole, etc.

Reply

ryguy1997 | 0

#969663 - Sunday 28 March 2010 5:18

why would your friends gf have ur #? unless you r/were friends. but by the name I guess not.

By pinkfrenchrose | 5

#56420 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:07

LOL

Reply

breenarae25 | 0

#1429315 - Monday 20 September 2010 8:53

haha ur #3 too

By Jffx | 0

#56422 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:07

She is the assface is the story

By Serial | 2

#56423 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:07

you must talk alot of shit to have that name

Reply

Chocolate_Chunk | 2

#1027813 - Friday 11 June 2010 13:58

clever

By AnneFTW | 17

#56424 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:07

Hahaha you'd think she wouldn't have given it to you or at least dialed it herself. XD

By Woahwut | 0

#56430 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:09

It's better than "ASS FACE #1"

Reply

ahkit | 0

#2723672 - Monday 20 June 2011 18:01

hahaha true

Reply

manyourlifesucks | 0

#4314296 - Tuesday 17 April 2012 0:31

Smh^

By panda_bear511 | 0

#56435 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:10

Wow... That's pretty shitty... If it was like an inside joke between the two of you that would have been different but that's her being a bitch... Unless you actually did something that with or without you knowing it, put you on her shit list.

Reply

ginglederf | 6

#4394855 - Saturday 5 May 2012 19:41

Idk it could be an inside joke between her and someone else, Ik I've done that. One of our friends name was retard on my phone, because that's what me and my other friend call him

By xl0_olx | 0

#56439 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:11

bahahaha!!!
funny shit

By PSUraven | 0

#56456 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:14

at least there are two other assfaces you can weep with.