Today, I was at my friends house celebrating his 16th birthday.... - FML

By Anonymous - 24/3/2009 16:18 - United States

Today, I was at my friends house celebrating his 16th birthday. I couldn't find my phone so I asked my friend's girl if I could borrow her phone to see if I could hear mine ringing. I dial my number and look down to find she has my number is saved in her phone as ASS FACE #3. FML

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Or he's just becoming an old goober

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Business savvy

By anonymous - 26/5/2013 12:23 - Australia

Today, I was in bed with my fiancé. After a while of quiet cuddling, I said, "Babe, I have cold feet." He replied with, "Me too. Let's call off the wedding." I was talking about the actual temperature of my feet. Our wedding is tomorrow. FML

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By sammatthews2007 - 25/2/2009 03:21 - United States

Today, I woke up to find that my dog was missing. I spent about an hour searching for him when my psycho ex-girlfriend texted me his photo. She'd kidnapped him. After driving over there, she shot paintballs at my car. Now I have no dog and a colorful car. FML

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By davincourt - 29/4/2012 18:31 - United States - Apollo Beach

Today, I woke up to my girlfriend wiping a booger off her finger and onto my lip. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2019 20:00

Today, I got home after a night of drinking with my coworker. We hooked up, but he was so drunk he had to use a flashlight to put it in. Then, he ran out of the room to throw up. FML

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By FellingShitty - 5/10/2009 02:19 - United States

Today, I realized I'm missing my diamond earrings. After ripping apart the vacuum bag and exhausting all other options I'm pretty sure my new cat ate them. I'm going to go sift through several days worth of cat shit now. FML

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By explosivepeach - 30/5/2015 01:34 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, on my second day as a lifeguard, I locked myself out of the pool. My angry guests and I had to wait for 45 minutes for my manager to arrive and unlock the gate. FML

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By sweatstreaks - 16/9/2011 09:38 - United Kingdom

Today, I noticed that when I sweat I smell like bacon. I'm a vegetarian. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2010 01:23 - United States

Today, my own boyfriend admitted that he can't name one single thing he likes about me without naming something "physical." FML

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By Ms. Piggy - 2/3/2014 19:09 - United States - Clarksville

Today, I was shopping for dresses when my fiancé turned into what I can only call a groomzilla. He told me and my maid of honor that we need to lose weight because he's not "paying all this money for a pair of fatties to not look good." FML

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By Jen__ - 22/3/2014 07:18 - Canada - Kitimat

Today, once again I was told I looked a bit like Lindsay Lohan. I can't figure out if they mean the young, good looking one, or the current cracked out rehab version. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2009 00:37 - United States

Today, while at my boyfriend's house waiting for him to shower, his mother slams a pair of underwear on the table and tells me that if she ever finds something like that in her son's room again, she is forbidding him from seeing me. The underwear isn't mine. FML

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By pussystroker - 19/11/2009 17:20 - United Kingdom

Today, a cat came up to me on the pavement so I petted it a little. An elderly man rode past on his bicycle and shouted "I'd like to stroke your pussy too!" FML

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By beforegirl - 8/11/2010 21:11 - Australia

Today, I discovered I am the "before picture" in an internet weight loss advert. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2020 14:00

Dumb question

Today, “Who decided that?” was apparently not the correct thing to reply to a cop. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2013 04:50 - United States - Clifton

Today, I locked my keys in my car. Good thing I went to Lowe's to make spares, which are also now locked in the car. FML

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By brycepetrillo - 7/9/2013 16:08 - United States - New Port Richey

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me through my birthday card. FML

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By sparkus - 15/12/2015 15:15

Today, while out hiking with my girlfriend, she thought it would be funny to push me down a small hill. It turned out there was a 16 foot drop at the end of it, and now my leg is in a cast. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2019 14:00

Cats gonna cat

Today, I got a new mattress delivered to my house. Didn’t have it on the frame for more than 5 minutes before my cat had already pissed on it. FML

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By timmynotjimmy - 28/10/2009 01:28 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend told me how disappointed and depressed she was that she could never make me hard. She started ranting about her looks and how she fails at everything. I didn't know how to reply. I was hard while she told me. FML

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By fmlfmlfml - 2/6/2009 18:03 - United States

Today, I was taking a nap. Apparently, my two year old daughter decided to crawl on top of the covers on my bed because she was scared since there was a thunder storm. I thought she was one of our cats so I kicked her off. She hit the wall. FML

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By maza - 9/8/2019 22:00

Today, I made a nice meal for myself and sat down to eat. Suddenly, my dad burst into my room saying, “We have to go.” This isn’t the first time it’s happened, nor was it an emergency. My family just doesn’t tell me when we have plans. FML

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By Nicole - 8/7/2009 00:36 - United States

Today, I caught my little brother peeping at my friend getting dressed in the bathroom. When I asked him what he was doing he said "I'm just doing what Ray does to you while you're in the bathroom." Ray is my new step dad. FML

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By terrible kenny - 30/1/2011 09:24 - United States

Today, as I went into my calculus class, the teacher announced that someone had received a negative grade on the test we were getting back. I laughed and said, "Which f*cker managed to get a negative?" Turns out I'm the dumbass. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2015 20:57 - United States - Vancouver

Today, I caught my teenage daughter doing her laundry for the first time ever. She had piles of black and white, but then she threw them together in the washing machine. I told her blacks and whites were supposed to be separate, but she just said, "End the segregation, mom." FML

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By good_job_john - 20/7/2009 15:43 - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend on my boat at the lake. As we were looking at the mountains all around us, she playfully pushed me off the side into the water. As I got back on the boat, I realized that not only was my cellphone dead, but the ring had fallen into the deep water. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2015 19:25 - Germany - Herford

Today, my boyfriend had the choice of A) living alone gaming, or B) moving in with me, gaming in his own man-cave, lots of sex, and lots of pizza. He chose choice A. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2019 12:03

Today, I told my mom I was going swimming with friends. She told me, in front of them, not to go into the deep end unless there was an adult around because I'm not old enough to swim on my own. I'm 19. FML

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By misty_love - 10/3/2010 08:09 - United States

Today, I realized that I can still do the splits. Why? Because I fell down an entire flight of stairs, everyone in the hall saw me land and applauded. Someone even shouted "and she sticks the landing." FML

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By f*ck - 6/3/2015 17:41 - Australia - Reynella

Today, I saw my boss heading my way at work. He has a "no food in the office" policy, so I quickly scarfed down my pop-tart. I ended up choking on it so hard that I threw up. FML

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By 30Jenna - 13/7/2011 22:01 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me on my Facebook wall. 27 people liked it. FML

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By Sexting - 21/8/2012 15:29 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's phone was stolen. I have no idea who I've been sexting the entire afternoon. FML

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By SaraSkyWolf - 17/10/2018 22:00

Today, we didn't have much to do at work, so I struck up a conversation with a coworker I have a crush on - a girl with one arm. I wanted to tell her I thought she was pretty, but I ended up saying I thought she looked like a pirate queen. FML

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By jobless - 9/7/2014 05:02 - United States - Buffalo

Today, I heard back from a company that I recently interviewed with. They told me I didn't get the job because "it was obvious that I had been coached." I wasn't. Sorry that I actually researched the company unlike the rest of the nit-wit candidates. FML

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By mel - 25/3/2016 13:20 - United States - Smithville

Today, the guy I buy weed from invited me to have Easter dinner with his family, since I've nowhere else to go. FML

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By -_____- - 31/7/2013 21:23 - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend and I were spooning in bed, nude, when I accidentally farted. He freaked out and asked in all seriousness if I was trying to give his dick pink-eye. FML

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By clu - 10/8/2010 06:07 - United States

Today, while eating dinner, a car alarm went off outside for 15 minutes and was driving me crazy, until I realized it was my car. FML

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By cbrocks - 16/10/2009 18:22 - United States

Today, it was the first day of fall break from college, and I was really excited to sleep in and relax the entire weekend. Apparently my boss caught wind of my happiness and scheduled me 8am-2pm each day of break, "seeing how I don't have anything else to do." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/4/2013 16:26 - United States

Today, while working the drive-through, a woman ordered a large coffee with four creams. I handed her the coffee, and she took a sip. She then hurled it at me, screaming, "I said four creams, not five!" and sped off, leaving me drenched in hot coffee. FML

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By what did you say? - 15/6/2016 13:25

Today, I went for a job interview. The woman interviewing me had such a thick accent that I had to keep asking her to repeat herself. She got so frustrated that she ended the interview super early. I don't think I got the job. FML

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By loner - 31/5/2011 05:50 - Australia

Today, I read my university's newsletter. Apparently we're starting up a "buddy" system for international students. I'm signing up, because this will help me complete my goal of making my first friend at university. FML

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Top comments

By Woahwut | 0

#56430 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:09

It's better than "ASS FACE #1"

By Serial | 2

#56423 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:07

you must talk alot of shit to have that name

Comments

By bonestructure | 0

#56414 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:06

HAHAHAHAHA
sorry wow!

Reply

Guuurlplease | 0

#857230 - Monday 15 February 2010 7:04

and?

Reply

CrazyDutch | 0

#1678314 - Wednesday 10 November 2010 18:29

ydi for having an assface

By route95 | 0

#56416 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:06

If i don't like someone I save them with names like that. A variety of douchebag, asshole, etc.

Reply

ryguy1997 | 0

#969663 - Sunday 28 March 2010 5:18

why would your friends gf have ur #? unless you r/were friends. but by the name I guess not.

By pinkfrenchrose | 5

#56420 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:07

LOL

Reply

breenarae25 | 0

#1429315 - Monday 20 September 2010 8:53

haha ur #3 too

By Jffx | 0

#56422 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:07

She is the assface is the story

By Serial | 2

#56423 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:07

you must talk alot of shit to have that name

Reply

Chocolate_Chunk | 2

#1027813 - Friday 11 June 2010 13:58

clever

By AnneFTW | 17

#56424 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:07

Hahaha you'd think she wouldn't have given it to you or at least dialed it herself. XD

By Woahwut | 0

#56430 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:09

It's better than "ASS FACE #1"

Reply

ahkit | 0

#2723672 - Monday 20 June 2011 18:01

hahaha true

Reply

manyourlifesucks | 0

#4314296 - Tuesday 17 April 2012 0:31

Smh^

By panda_bear511 | 0

#56435 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:10

Wow... That's pretty shitty... If it was like an inside joke between the two of you that would have been different but that's her being a bitch... Unless you actually did something that with or without you knowing it, put you on her shit list.

Reply

ginglederf | 6

#4394855 - Saturday 5 May 2012 19:41

Idk it could be an inside joke between her and someone else, Ik I've done that. One of our friends name was retard on my phone, because that's what me and my other friend call him

By xl0_olx | 0

#56439 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:11

bahahaha!!!
funny shit

By PSUraven | 0

#56456 - Wednesday 25 March 2009 1:14

at least there are two other assfaces you can weep with.