Today, I was at my boyfriend's house.I've been a vegetarian for... - FML

By ohmyx3 - 30/4/2009 02:09 - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house.I've been a vegetarian for 4 years, and his mother made lasagna with meat in it. After telling her I don't eat meat, my boyfriend's father says "we know whose meat she does eat." My boyfriend, his mother, and I were standing right there. FML

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No one likes a smart-ass

Does it taste good?

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

By Cop-er-Pot - 16/10/2017 16:00

Today, I realized that my work life is far less stressful than my home life. I'm a cop. FML

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By SkinsCastSelection - 17/1/2011 09:53 - France

Today, in the middle of the night, my girlfriend whispered "Are you asleep?" I chose not to respond, to see what she'd do. She then let rip a loud, stinking fart, giggled, and went back to sleep. FML

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By butnotlikethat - 16/3/2013 00:05 - China - Nanchang

Today, my grandma gave me a sex talk. Not the usual one, either. This one was about blowjobs. I had to sit politely as she explained it's something all women have to learn if they want a well-behaved husband, but that it's an "acquired taste". Gag me. FML

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By I Feel Horrible - 20/7/2014 17:59 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house, intending to break up with him. Instead, I was greeted by his whole family throwing me a surprise party. I had to sit and listen to his whole family talk about what a great couple we are and how we're going to last forever. FML

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By HoShiz - 25/10/2009 14:18 - Canada

Today, I drove 3 hours to go to an award ceremony. When I got there, I had to wait an hour for the hall to open, then sat listening to speeches for two hours, got my "award", and drove 3 hours home. The award was a small pin that I already had. FML

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By Anon. - 5/5/2016 21:00 - United States - Allentown

Today, like every other day my boyfriend and I try and have sex, his dog cried and whined outside of his room until we stopped. She does this all the time and it kills the mood instantly. I can't have sex because of a toy poodle. FML

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By I didn't though - 10/9/2015 04:07 - United States

Today, I arrived at a camp and met one of my roommates. At bedtime, I had energy still, so I did push-ups. The guy was asleep or so I thought because he was facing the wall. The guy thought I was jacking off and told everyone I did it in the middle of our room. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2016 19:12

Today, my sister gave me a early Christmas present. It's lice. FML

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By annonoymus - 16/3/2010 16:00 - Australia

Today, I was having an in depth discussion with my girlfriends father about how corrupt journalists are and how our town's paper is the worst paper on the planet. After insulting basically everything about the newspaper, I asked him what he did for a living. He's the editor of the newspaper. FML

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By man - 8/5/2009 21:46 - United States

Today, I was hit by a car. I called my girlfriend from the hospital and asked her if she could pick me up. She responded by saying "Fuck you, you aways tell me what to do!" and hung up. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2012 08:47 - United States - Evansville

Today, I met my husband's family for the first time. My nightmare versions were better. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2013 01:29 - United States

Today, I got excited because I found Monsters University and The Croods online, neither of which I've seen. I'm 33, single, and it's Saturday night. FML

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By alone - 14/2/2012 05:34 - Australia

Today, I arranged to have some flowers delivered at work for Valentine's Day so that my colleagues will think someone likes me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/6/2013 05:26 - United States - Saint Maries

Today, my mother and grandmother informed me that my sixteen-year-old dog died. I was standing in Wal-Mart at the time. They then yelled at me because crying in public is "inappropriate." FML

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By LiveGuard - 28/3/2012 05:30 - United States

Today, I was taking a lifeguard certification test. I nearly drowned halfway through. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2013 15:37 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I actually thought of faking my own death to get away from my girlfriend and her insane, overbearing family. FML

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By decenthumanbeing - 14/7/2016 13:13

Today, I entered a restaurant just to use the WiFi. In order not to look cheap, I ordered a meal and a beverage. The WiFi didn't work and now I don't have enough money to buy dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2018 01:30

When you lie on your resume to get the job

Today, my boyfriend and I are devastated to return our newly adopted "cat friendly" dog to the shelter. He's perfect other than the fact that he clearly wants to eat our cats. FML

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By Cody - 30/4/2011 06:13 - United States

Today, I got pulled by a cop because I forgot to put my registration sticker on. I get nervous around authority and have nervous shakes. I ripped the registration sticker 3 times trying to put it on. The cop then gave me a ticket for "Improper Equipment". FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2015 15:06 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I was so sleep-deprived, I thought a white car driving toward me was a polar bear. I screamed like a little girl and started panicking. I live in California. FML

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By photoman - 14/7/2014 09:31 - Austria - Vienna

Today, I was informed by a laughing friend, that my phone must be taking and uploading photos to Google+. Among numerous black shots, there is a particularly nice one of me while I'm sitting on the toilet. FML

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By sup - 1/7/2019 20:00 - Canada - Chicoutimi

Today, I found out why I've had cockroaches in my bathroom - my landlord didn't bother to finish the wall behind my bathroom sink. There are literally holes that go straight from my bathroom to the garage downstairs. FML

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By Matt - 3/6/2012 14:21 - Australia - Tyabb

Today, I went to my girlfriend's house to break up with her. It was a hard decision and both of us became quite emotionally overwhelmed at the time. We began to hug as a final goodbye, then her mum burst in the room and yelled, "HE FINALLY PROPOSED!" FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2011 21:47 - United States

Today, at some point, and for some reason I'll probably never fully understand, it seemed like a good idea to get completely shitfaced on tequila and try to shave my ballsack with a straight razor. I'm not sure if these wounds will ever heal. FML

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By ipaid350dollarsfornothing - 15/3/2013 07:09 - Qatar

Today, my prom dress finally arrived. My prom was yesterday. FML

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By FuturePolice - 23/1/2012 09:56 - United States

Today, I was accepted into a police academy. I called my girlfriend of 2 years, who was supportive through the process. She promptly broke up with me, stating, "You'll be really busy in the academy, and I can't marry a police officer. Its a dangerous job." And then called me selfish for "doing this to us." FML

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By trying2breathe - 22/11/2009 16:49 - United States

Today, I woke up to find my car broken into. They also took the inhaler that fell out of my bag the night before. The one I needed to stop the asthma attack I had from the stress of having my car broken into. FML

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By itsjustmyluck - 9/11/2009 04:37 - United States

Today, I was in line at the store behind a lady and her young daughter. Trying to be polite I smiled at the little girl. She burst into tears asking her mommy 'what is wrong with that ladies teeth'. Apparently braces on a 25 year old is not 'kid friendly'. FML

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By speed-dialing dr kevorkian - 27/2/2016 07:25 - United States - Two Rivers

Today, my mom came home heavily drunk. As I was taking care of her, she told me all about how I was a mistake. That didn't hurt nearly as much as when she told me she wishes I'd died during her pregnancy. FML

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By TooShort - 3/5/2009 14:06 - United States

Today, I walked into a restaurant with my parents to celebrate my Mom's birthday. They immediately got a kid's menu and crayons out for me. I'm 15. FML

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By ouch - 9/2/2011 18:02 - United States

Today, I was in class when all of a sudden I was hit in the head by a metal pencil case. My teacher threw it at me to get my attention. FML

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By Marco - 13/10/2008 08:29

Today, the bank I use lost 5 billion. FML

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By Kat - 24/12/2015 21:51 - Australia

Today, I made a typo in a line of code, bringing the company website down. Our admin was already pissed about having to work over Christmas, and he started yelling at me and ended up punching my supervisor when he got between us. Pretty sure my screw up indirectly got the poor guy fired. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/12/2014 14:45 - United States - Port Saint Lucie

Today, my commitment issues were perfectly illustrated when I couldn't put a nail in the wall to hang a painting, because, "What if I change my mind?" FML

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By Betrayed - 27/8/2012 06:11 - United States

Today, I attended my college roommate's wedding. We were best friends for 4 years, but have only talked occasionally since graduation. I was looking forward to meeting her new husband, having heard so much about him during our conversations. Turns out she forgot to mention he's my ex. FML

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By Pisspants - 17/9/2016 04:39 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was at work and I needed to pee. In my haste, I forgot to lock the door. A coworker walked in on me and I bolted up mid-stream to slam the door back shut. I had pee down my leg and pee squishing in my shoes for the rest of the day. I can still remember his tone of voice, yelling, "Sorry"! FML

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By upset mom - 24/4/2019 04:00

Today, during a meeting, the president of the honor society apologized for being out for a couple of days due to the flu, and wanted to get everything back on track. I mumbled that she hadn't shown good leadership by being out. I guess she heard me, because she said, “Neither does being a teen mom.” FML

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By lions214 - 11/1/2012 01:40 - United States

Today, at work at a store, I was sitting on the floor stocking a bottom shelf. A woman in a motorized cart did not see me, and ran over my hand. When I alerted her about what she had done she laughed. FML

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By werewolfoflondon - 3/11/2010 02:16 - Canada

Today, I got fired over MSN. I wasn't even online at the time. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/8/2014 21:50 - United States - Franklin Park

Today, I bought some noise-canceling headphones. They work well. Too well. My mom came home, unpacked her shopping, walked upstairs, knocked on my door, opened my door, and found me jacking off to a porno, all without me hearing a thing. Fucking hell. FML

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Top comments

By justesen | 0

#156432 - Thursday 30 April 2009 16:14

Hahaha, awesome father :D

By arcturussage | 0

#156452 - Thursday 30 April 2009 16:22

boyfriends fault imo. If I were having my girlfriend over I'd make sure my mom knew she was a vegetarian. Dad sounds like a cool guy though

Comments

By justesen | 0

#156432 - Thursday 30 April 2009 16:14

Hahaha, awesome father :D

Reply

bobateme | 0

#1432915 - Tuesday 21 September 2010 3:03

what I was gonna say.

By photographer_fml | 0

#156440 - Thursday 30 April 2009 16:16

lmao....ima vegetarian too!!!!

Reply

Chad_the_Brony | 0

#3918103 - Saturday 21 January 2012 9:39

You're not an ordinary human.

Reply

winfieldALJD | 6

#5252858 - Sunday 16 December 2012 18:46

Actually, humans are more built to be herbivores. It's a lot easier on our bodies, but we can also consume meat.

Reply

docphilsman | 15

#5795080 - Tuesday 17 December 2013 3:32

Me too

Reply

TrancentV | 4

#5811877 - Tuesday 31 December 2014 22:51

How do you find a vegetarian? Don't worry they'll tell you.

By greenman_fml | 0

#156443 - Thursday 30 April 2009 16:16

You disrespect his parents by not eating their delicious dinner, they disrespect you for being a shameless whore. Seems like a fair deal to me

Reply

iAlwaysYDI | 0

#866011 - Wednesday 17 February 2010 18:16

^^ win.

Reply

ryguy1997 | 0

#960455 - Thursday 18 March 2010 2:48

no it is not a disrespect but YDI for being veggie.

Reply

marine10_fml | 0

#975431 - Wednesday 7 April 2010 3:08

no, you sir are a moron! how is she a whore?dumbass.

Reply

hellokittywhore | 0

#1146084 - Tuesday 27 July 2010 6:21

^ hes just jelous that he's never gotten a blow job. bitter in fact

Reply

wiggz1990 | 0

#1237233 - Friday 13 August 2010 20:12

look at his face this fucker couldn't get a blow job even he pays for it

Reply

smexxichik | 0

#1566904 - Monday 18 October 2010 19:49

You, Sir, are just wrong. In what way does she imply that she even does that? Her boyfriends father could have been joking, by the way. Did you ever think of that? Quit being an ass, because this comment was uncalled for.

Reply

cassiebear7652 | 7

#2455571 - Wednesday 4 May 2011 4:24

she's a vegetarian. in case you don't know, vegetarians can't eat meat smartakiss.

By arcturussage | 0

#156452 - Thursday 30 April 2009 16:22

boyfriends fault imo. If I were having my girlfriend over I'd make sure my mom knew she was a vegetarian. Dad sounds like a cool guy though

Reply

Toolishing | 22

#6282533 - Tuesday 5 May 2015 20:36

Distributive properties do not really apply in real life situations. Everyone is responsible for their own actions.

By hayley320 | 0

#156456 - Thursday 30 April 2009 16:24

GO ON MY YOUTUBE CHANNEL TO NOT HAVE A FML TODAY :D

www.youtube.com/user/hayleyisino320

IM UPLOADING VIDEOS FROM THE FALL OUT BOY TOUR WITH COBRA STARSHIP, METRO STATION, HEY MONDAY, AND ALL TIME LOW!!!!

By that_guy01 | 0

#156457 - Thursday 30 April 2009 16:24

just eat it, you can't hurt the animal when it's already cooked!
nah nah but seriously, that father is awesome. I aspire to make comments like that when i become a father one day hahaha.

By undead_ | 0

#156458 - Thursday 30 April 2009 16:24

#3 you can go f yourself..who said the food was any good and how does being a vegetarian or dating their son make her a whore? You're absolutely retarded

By oldskool_fml | 0

#156459 - Thursday 30 April 2009 16:25

LOL!! I WISH I had a dad like that..

By Shadowflames420 | 0

#156469 - Thursday 30 April 2009 16:27

lmao. well do you?

By spamme | 0

#156471 - Thursday 30 April 2009 16:28

well, he has a pretty good ppoint, doesnt he?