Animals: Today, I was at a party, chatting up this guy while we were petting... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 100

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 593

You deserved it 95

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 586

You deserved it 40

02/01/2010 04:40

Today, I was at a party, chatting up this guy while we were petting my friends dog. The dog had just been outside and was kinda wet, I assumed it was raining out. Just then someone came up and said "Um, that dog's covered in pee." Apparently someone peed off the deck onto the dog as it walked by. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 068

You deserved it 2 953

Our house, in the middle of our street

Own it

Kids are hard work

15/04/2009 06:19

Today, I saw a commercial for some sort of meaty beef dish. The camera zoomed in and my mouth watered because it looked so delicious. Then flashed the next scene: golden retrievers running through a field and eating from their bowl. My mouth just watered for a dog food commerical. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 404

You deserved it 24 407

05/07/2014 20:19

Today, a girl I recently slept with messaged me, explaining through a rendition of "Call Me Maybe" that she'd given me chlamydia. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 342

You deserved it 15 921

20/05/2013 11:57

Today, I berated my five-year-old nephew for peeing on the floor. His mom bitched me out for expecting "a little boy to have perfect aim." That's funny, it looked pretty good when he dropped his pants, looked me in the eyes, and started to piss on my rug. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 375

You deserved it 3 539

18/12/2009 20:46

Today, I slipped as I was about to take a shower, knocking myself out cold. I woke up to someone banging on my door. It was a cop checking to see if I was okay. When I asked how he knew to come, he said he was notified by "a male neighbor who called anonymously." I guess I have a peeping Tom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 103

You deserved it 2 531

Our secretive

By Anonymous - 21/11/2019 15:00

Today, my mom is 44 years old, and she is cheating on my dad with my friend who is 19. And she's paying me to keep her secret. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 505

You deserved it 955

05/11/2009 15:26

Today, I found out that our water tank has had a dead crow rotting in it for days. I took showers and brushed my teeth with dead crow soup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 973

You deserved it 3 270

The cupcake incident

By kandi - 04/05/2009 07:34

Today, while at the bakeshop, I got bored waiting in line so I rested on the glass protecting the cupcakes. Turns out there was no glass. I had to pay $50 to cover all the mess and had to walk out of the bakeshop with icing all over my butt. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 417

You deserved it 79 705

23/08/2013 22:52

Today, I mentioned on Facebook that I'll be out of town over the weekend, because I am attending my grandmother's funeral. I soon got comments saying "Pics or it didn't happen" and "Killed her for the inheritance, eh?" followed by a solitary "LOLLL". FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 724

You deserved it 5 602

Baby's high

By Anonymous - 08/01/2021 17:01

Today, I think my cat is getting high. Whenever she finds her drug of choice, she sniffs it, then rolls around in it, purring ecstatically. Typical catnip reaction, right? Wrong. It’s my dirty underwear she's into. FML

I agree, your life sucks 734

You deserved it 123

31/07/2009 15:14

Today, I was working on a client's roof. Some neighborhood kids thought it would be hilarious if they knocked over my ladder. I was stuck on this roof in serious heat. I caught the attention of a pedestrian to come to my rescue. It was a little old lady. She gave me the finger and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 449

You deserved it 2 595

09/10/2009 07:09

Today, I was stuck in traffic on the highway and decided it was the perfect time to pick a humongous booger out of my nose. While carefully examing and admiring it, I failed to notice that the owner of my company was staring at me from the left lane in complete and utter revulsion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 146

You deserved it 49 786

09/01/2013 01:01

Today, my daughter learned a new song. This would be great, except for the lisp her teacher has. I now have a child screaming about the "itchy bitchy spider" at the top of her lungs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 703

You deserved it 3 201

12/09/2015 20:50

Today, my boyfriend convinced me to face my fear of horror movies by promising to hold my hand through the entire flick. He fell asleep 10 minutes into it, farting and snoring in his sleep, whilst I was paralysed by fear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 918

You deserved it 3 637

30/10/2009 04:31

Today, while I was on a second date with this guy, my roommate tried calling me and I ignored her. After dinner my date brought me back to my apartment and there was a waterfall gushing down from the balcony above our apartment. The guys above us had started a fire and our apartment was flooded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 026

You deserved it 6 596

13/04/2012 13:11

Spicy

Today, a guy asked me why I'm single. As a joke, I told him that not only do I have a penis, but that it's so large that most men are intimidated by it. He wasn't impressed. And I actually wonder why I'm single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 226

You deserved it 31 869

07/12/2010 06:23

Spicy

Today, I spent hours voluntarily decorating my town for Christmas. After a break, I came back to find someone had re-positioned the wooden reindeer to make it look like they were humping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 360

You deserved it 8 561

26/01/2009 02:38

Today, I was in a hurry to get to work, and in my car I had two drinks settled down in my cup holder. One was my coffee, and the other was an unfinished cup of coffee where I ash and toss my cigarettes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 441

You deserved it 30 296

14/07/2010 04:32

Today, I've recently gained weight so I bought an exercise video. I started it right away in my room on the top floor. My younger sister screamed and ran outside a few minutes later. She thought it was an earthquake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 299

You deserved it 10 136

13/04/2017 12:00

Today, I noticed a lady at work staring at me very intently. When she realized she had my attention, she made a sweeping gesture over her head and said, "Hair is like Trump!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 804

You deserved it 491

18/02/2010 05:31

Today, I got fired. To make things worse, I had to sit in three-hour bumper to bumper traffic, waiting for a wreck to clear on my way home. In front of me was a fat man with a hairy butt crack on a motorcycle. I was forced to stare at a fat, underwear-less man's ass for 3 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 138

You deserved it 3 913

18/04/2015 16:45

Today, I went to the dentist for the first time in years. His first comment upon inspecting my teeth: "Meth. Hell of a drug." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 943

You deserved it 11 556

Delirious

By CanIGoHomeNow - 18/07/2021 08:01

Today, while not feeling well at work, I had to finish up some papers. I was so out of it, I couldn't remember how to spell my name. I had to improvise by pronouncing each syllable of my name out loud. My boss now thinks I'm a dumbass. FML

I agree, your life sucks 718

You deserved it 218

29/12/2011 14:51

Today, I woke up to slight memory of my boyfriend leaving for work an hour earlier than originally planned due to "excessive sweat" in my bed. When I removed my sheets and took in a deep whiff, my olfactory receptors instantly knew that his so called "sweat" was actually his urine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 944

You deserved it 3 023

23/07/2015 13:05

Today, I had a dream about a giant spider crawling around in my mouth. I woke up to find that dreams sometimes do come true. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 111

You deserved it 1 968

06/11/2012 07:59

Today, I looked over to see my grandfather looking thoughtfully at me. Feeling flattered because he rarely shows affection, I waved at him. He then said, "I was looking out the window" and continued to stare past my head out of the window. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 807

You deserved it 2 115

23/09/2009 10:23

Today, I was playing hide and seek with my eight year old cousin. For the past two turns, he had been hiding in the bathroom. I saw the bathroom lights on, yet again, and opened the door with a triumphant "AHA!" It was my Grandma, taking a smelly dump. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 380

You deserved it 38 039

28/02/2009 20:41

Today, I was standing in the parking lot with my sister, after my aunt's funeral, when my grandma walks up and says to my sister, "You're the one going places in life, I'm proud to have you as a grand daughter." She then looked at me, and walked away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 472

You deserved it 3 831

12/01/2010 00:28

Today, I went to a nearby nightclub with some friends and the girl I've been flirting for weeks. We were having a good time until this girl and two of her friends got back complaining about some "drunk-old-perverts harassing them". It looks like my dad and his friends are having a good time too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 819

You deserved it 2 334

Cool moves

By Anonymous - 21/01/2021 23:01

Spicy

Today, I tried pouring water on myself like in Coyote Ugly to the song "Pour Some Sugar On Me." I ended up waterboarding myself and I didn’t stop until the pitcher was done. I felt like I was drowning the whole time, and my partner knew from the choking sounds. FML

I agree, your life sucks 263

You deserved it 1 470

15/02/2012 00:43

Today, while out for our romantic Valentine's dinner, my boyfriend of 2 and a half years told me that he believes in females being subservient, that I'm not allowed to have opinions anymore, that he is "the alpha dog" and I'm merely the "beta dog", and that I have to "get used to it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 805

You deserved it 7 549

11/03/2011 05:20

Today, I was waiting for the pan to heat up so I could make myself scrambled eggs. Just then, my mom runs up to me, cracks an egg open on my head, and runs away laughing. I only had one other egg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 465

You deserved it 4 595

Shitpants blues

By Anonymous - 24/12/2020 02:01

Today, I recently started taking some antidepressants and they have been working really well for me, except for the fact that they have made me crap my pants twice now. Both times in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 897

You deserved it 68

29/07/2009 23:49

Today, I was short shifted at work because one of my employee's decided not to show up. Furious, I wrote her up and made predetermined judgments about her. When she came in, I went off on her for being absent and leaving me stuck. She then informed me her mom tried to commit suicide. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 123

You deserved it 62 062

25/09/2010 14:45

Today, I was trying to apply some toothpaste on my pimple to help dry it out. My mum came from behind and hugged me, making me accidentally apply minty toothpaste into my right eye instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 793

You deserved it 4 664

24/09/2014 13:58

Today, I went to use the porta potty at the construction site I work at and found two homeless people having sex in it. I almost got fired, because my advisor blamed me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 307

You deserved it 4 090

28/11/2015 03:46

Today, my 2 year relationship ended when my boyfriend accused me of stealing his beanie hat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 331

You deserved it 2 231

07/08/2017 05:00

Today, I traveled to my hometown for a funeral. I'm staying with my family in the house I grew up in. My dad told me they'd "completely renovated" the house. There's still only one bathroom for the seven of us and I'm sleeping on the floor for the entire two weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 046

You deserved it 397

Another great day to be alive

By Anonymous - 26/07/2021 21:59

Today, I didn’t get much done because I woke up late and therefore didn’t have much time. No wait, that was yesterday. Today I didn’t get much done because I woke up EARLY and was miserably tired and good for nothing all day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 677

You deserved it 324

01/10/2015 01:42

Today, I was supposed to start my new job. I had forgotten I had a doctor's appointment, so I called work early and told them I wouldn't be able to start until tomorrow. My boss then terminated my employment. I got fired before I even started. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 317

You deserved it 30 497

Hope there's no dancing involved

By InjuredTriviaNerd - 09/03/2021 09:00

Today, I fell on a crack in the pavement and broke my ankle. Next week, I'm supposed to fly interstate to be on a quiz show I've spent two years in the audition process for. FML

I agree, your life sucks 881

You deserved it 93

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Saturday 2 January 2010 12:26

^^ lmao Thats more of an FML for the dog, you can wash your hands. "Today, some random dude peed on me when I walked past him. FML" :p

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Saturday 2 January 2010 12:17

I'll bet you were really pissy when you found out, huh?

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Saturday 2 January 2010 12:17

I'll bet you were really pissy when you found out, huh?

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Wednesday 10 March 2010 3:23

Zing!

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Sunday 14 March 2010 5:02

no #1, they weren't mad. they got up and lucked the dog right up it's back.

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Monday 5 April 2010 7:47

#1 I bet you were really pissy when you got out of be this morning an couldn't see your toes.

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Saturday 4 September 2010 20:34

What a pissy situation.

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Saturday 2 January 2010 12:25

Ewwww that sucks, but at least you weren't the only one petting the dog, and if you are interested in this guy, you have something else to talk about :D.

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Tuesday 2 March 2010 6:15

true dat but a feel way worse for the dog!!

heyitsdiamond 5

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Monday 26 September 2011 0:30

I know I feel bad for the dog

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Saturday 2 January 2010 12:26

^^ lmao Thats more of an FML for the dog, you can wash your hands. "Today, some random dude peed on me when I walked past him. FML" :p

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Wednesday 16 February 2011 14:14

that really is an F the dogs life. I never thought about that.

sweetbiotch88 0

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Saturday 2 January 2010 13:15

ooh pee pee, sexytime

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Saturday 2 January 2010 13:54

so maybe now you can try a dog/pee fetish... dang, now humans are worried about dogs being pissed off but now dogs have to get worried about getting pissed on. kudos for anyone who gets the reference ^^

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Saturday 2 January 2010 14:02

you deserve it for saying chatting up this guy

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Saturday 2 January 2010 14:32

today, these I got peed on. after trying to explain to my owners guest , they thought that I wanted to be petted fml, ftl.

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Saturday 2 January 2010 18:33

Are you retarded?

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Saturday 2 January 2010 14:37

oh girl.. well hopefully that after you washed your hands it still didint smell :/

GiRIsMakingCupca 0

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Saturday 2 January 2010 15:24

that's a littli harsh Applepineapple31 I hope whoever peed on the dog gets hit by a bus :) lol that's nasty:P

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Sunday 3 January 2010 12:55

He/she must have changed "bus" to "car" to make it seem less harsh. How do you like them apples?

xXWaLk_AwAyXx 0

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Saturday 2 January 2010 15:48

if they were actually aiming for the dog they're sick

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Sunday 3 January 2010 12:59

Why? Dogs do the same to humans sometimes. Let's show those bitches how it feels. The time is now. The war between dogs and humans is imminent. Who will move first? Who will assert their dominance? Whose cuisine will reign supreme? We must band together, as humans, to fight against this canine infestation. Let us all start today. I beg of every one of you, for the sake of mankind, please urinate on as many dogs as possible...while we still can. The war can still be won. If we do not fight, then we are already dead!!!

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Wednesday 6 January 2010 22:17

have u had a bad expireance with a dog? TOO BAD!!!!!!!!!!!! dogs FTW!!!!!!!!!!!!!! kill all cats

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Thursday 14 July 2011 15:40

why the hell wud we start a war with mans best friend :| ; cats r the source of ALL evil!