Miscellaneous: Today, I was at a party and I really had to use the bathroom....

By Churizmo - 19/07/2009 18:52 - United States

Today, I was at a party and I really had to use the bathroom. There were 30-40 people talking outside the door, so I thought it would be ok to make some noise. Just as I'm about to begin having explosive diarrhea, everyone falls silent as my dad begins to pray for our meal. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 632

You deserved it 5 441

Miscellaneous

Walk the line

You tried

Mama's boy

Boom, headshot

By oof - 09/07/2020 23:01

Today, my fiancé and I were discussing whether we should have a gun in the house or not. He argued that I’m too clumsy to have one. Offended, I turned around to storm off. I hit my forehead on the cabinet I'd left open and immediately started gushing blood. Point proved. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 066

You deserved it 1 690

By Anonymous - 14/07/2014 17:45 - United States - Lititz

Today, I found out that my son has been trying to save enough of his earwax to make a candle. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 172

You deserved it 5 588

By SnowyConcussion - 23/12/2009 14:30 - United States

Today, after spending the past 4 days asking both my husband and my father-in-law to salt our sidewalk, I slipped on the ice. I hit my head on our concrete stairs. While holding ice on my head, my father-in-law pats my head and says "I'll go get some salt." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 849

You deserved it 9 001

By maniac11 - 11/10/2012 00:58 - United States

Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. I really had to use the bathroom, but decided to wait. After about an hour, I went to the restroom. I pissed for so long that when I walked out her family all started clapping. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 429

You deserved it 6 558

By anonomys - 05/09/2011 19:19 - Canada

Today, my husband compared me to his parents' dog. Why? Because when I sleep, I fart and scare myself awake. Just like his parents' dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 219

You deserved it 10 091

Can't win

By yup0308 - 30/04/2021 23:01 - United States - Byron Center

Today, and for almost 6 years, my wife and I have had issues fighting when we’re drunk. I’ve always gotten/accepted the blame. I quit drinking to try and better our marriage. Now she wants a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 862

You deserved it 101

By Florida - 24/11/2016 03:04 - United States - Winchester

Today, when I went to work, my nice coworker gave me a gift basket. And cookies. I had to tell him that I caught his kid keying my car last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 870

You deserved it 694

By jennabee97 - 08/11/2014 23:02 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I excitedly told my mom that I'm pregnant with my second child. She shot back, "You know what's a REAL achievement? Jacking your dad off in church last week without anyone noticing. Aim higher." I really didn't need to know that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 829

You deserved it 4 198

Keep it down

By Help - 26/11/2011 06:03 - United States

Today, it's the second week into my new neighbors' routine. He works nights, she works days. He likes to blast out Slayer and Napalm Death all day, she likes to drunkenly sing out of tune to Adele all night. I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 661

You deserved it 2 494

By vishurricanes - 10/06/2009 03:34 - United States

Today, I was on the bus when my crush told me to come and sit with him. I got all excited, especially when he put his arm around me. He then whispered in my ear "Hey, is your friend over there single?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 778

You deserved it 3 221

By DopeDickDover - 26/10/2015 15:50 - United States

Today, at school, a cute girl kept glancing up at me, giggling, and looking away as soon as I looked at her. So naturally I walked up to her and asked if she wanted to go out sometime. She said she didn't like me, she was just laughing at how big a zit was on my forehead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 307

You deserved it 2 548

Mind your own business

By :(( - 30/05/2013 21:18 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, in a public restroom, an elderly lady started bitching me out for not washing my hands. I was so intimidated that I did so under her accusing watch. I'm quite intolerant to many soaps, and I now have a horrible rash on my left hand because I was too frightened to explain. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 739

You deserved it 18 196

Preventive measures

By Anonymous - 14/04/2021 23:03

Today, a year after I moved out with no contact since, my former housemates texted me out of the blue to tell me I'm not invited to their wedding. Seems she thought I'd just turn up and "embarrass" myself. I never indicated that I intended or even wanted to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 902

You deserved it 69

By C BOMB - 14/09/2015 23:58 - Australia - Toowong

Today, I was getting coffee when I pulled my lip balm from my pocket and started playing with it in my hands, tapping it on my face and lip. There were there two gorgeous guys in front of me who kept turning around and staring at me. I was actually holding a tampon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 842

You deserved it 19 265

By wickedbeauty333 - 26/09/2012 22:54 - United States - Katy

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he came. This was a good thing, except when he did he started bellowing the Imperial March theme from Star Wars. When I asked him about it, all he said was, "I thought you'd like it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 457

You deserved it 4 176

By anonymous - 08/01/2012 12:24 - United States

Today, I was surprised that my husband suggested we take a shower together to save water. He also suggested we should wear our bathing suits so we don't have to see each others "privates." FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 084

You deserved it 4 943

By Kiki - 08/03/2013 21:22 - Poland - Myslenice

Today, my boyfriend came over and dropped off my phone, which I'd left at his place the night before. He immediately left in a sulk. As I looked through my texts, I discovered he was only so moody because I hadn't answered any of his calls or messages. I'm dating an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 062

You deserved it 5 552

By daughter - 18/09/2012 04:25 - Sweden - Vårgårda

Today, I found out that, for over three years, my boyfriend has solely been dating me to get closer to my mom. Apparently, "she's a total MILF." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 689

You deserved it 2 289

By Nish - 03/07/2013 08:11 - United States - Kent

Today while at my job as a store clerk, I walked by a family. I smiled at their little boy, who responded by flipping me off. As I was walking away, I looked back in time to catch his dad give him a high-five. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 645

You deserved it 4 156

By Anonymous - 26/09/2014 19:44 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, my dog got so excited about a new toy that she vomited all over it. I had to clean up the vomit, throw away the toy, and now have a very sad dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 842

You deserved it 4 487

By pepsifoot - 16/04/2011 19:18 - United States

Today, I got hurt and spent the remainder of the day limping. I wish I could say it was from something badass like roller derby, but I can't. A woman with a rolling cart filled with packs of Pepsi rolled over my foot on the bus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 021

You deserved it 4 093

By Anonymous90 - 24/07/2010 23:59 - Canada

Today, I spent 100 dollars on lingerie. I put it on, walk out to the living room, and tell my boyfriend to follow me into the bedroom. He says no, and then pretends to fall asleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 791

You deserved it 6 453

By Amy - 10/05/2012 19:14 - Canada - Prince George

Today, I woke up, only to find my arm was still asleep. I tried to move it just a tiny bit, but somehow ended up punching myself in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 945

You deserved it 5 223

By TriedToHelp - 02/06/2019 14:05

Today, I was volunteering at an Indian hospital through a Canadian volunteer agency after paying $3000. It was my first day, but I got deported for having an incorrect visa. I had a tourist visa when I was supposed to have a "miscellaneous" visa. I got deported for volunteering. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 882

You deserved it 482

By Anonymous - 12/01/2017 14:00

Today, I was enjoying my first vacation day in 2 years. My boss then called me to come in, saying it was an emergency. I got to work and got fired. Yes, my boss made me come in just to fire me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 763

You deserved it 592

By maddie! - 09/02/2011 17:48 - United States

Today, I was walking in the park with my boyfriend of 3 years. He stopped and knelt down in front of me. I started to panic, then he told me to calm down, my shoe was untied. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 485

You deserved it 13 295

It's not Mondays you hate, it's capitalism

By I’m poor too! - 13/07/2021 00:01

Today, I was accosted by an angry homeless man at the recycling center, since I refused to give him my saved up bottles and cans. He insisted that he needed it more and I was "poaching his turf". I needed the recycling to put gas in my car, just to make it to work and hope I could make it back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 887

You deserved it 58

By dntstopmenow - 14/03/2009 05:27 - United Kingdom

Today, I was writing a very important email to my college professor. I went upstairs for something and came back down to send it. I later asked him today why he hadn't responded to which he said "I'm flattered...but can't." My roommate had added "love you xxx" at the end of the email. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 166

You deserved it 7 619

Is this Woody Allen?

By ShockedToDeath - 08/07/2021 02:01

Today, I found out my husband got my 22 year-old daughter pregnant. Not only that, he’s drained our savings on her including a new iPhone and Macbook, designer clothes and handbags, etc. His defense, in all seriousness, was, "She’s not even my biological daughter, chill out." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 129

You deserved it 134

By nerd - 16/10/2009 15:08 - Singapore

Today, I was on cloud nine when the beautiful waitress I frequently ordered takeaways from told me she didn't need to take my name as she remembers me from before. When I got my food I saw the sales slip. On it she had written, "Cheeseburger - Fries - Coke - nerdy guy with bad haircut." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 332

You deserved it 5 719

By Van - 07/12/2009 23:08 - United States

Today, I took a hot plate out of the oven with my fancy silicone oven mitt. Seconds after carefully placing it on the cook top, I picked it up with my left, unprotected hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 607

You deserved it 35 743

By Anonymous - 16/03/2013 17:31 - Sweden - Karlskrona

Today, I had to use a public bathroom. I'm pregnant, though I don't really suffer from morning sickness. I do however suffer from sympathy puking, which kicked in with horrifying consequences when someone burst in and started vomiting in one of the other stalls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 874

You deserved it 2 559

By lgt5628 - 26/09/2014 23:58 - United States - Miami

Today, a man approached my delivery van and asked for change for a $5 bill. I guess I should've expected him to grab the change and run off with the extra money. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 655

You deserved it 6 606

By ahhh - 03/08/2015 06:06 - United States - Northbrook

Today, my boyfriend of 2 months and I had sex for the first time last night. This afternoon he texted me saying, "I had an amazing night with you yesterday." Following that text he said, "I forgot to tell you I have an STD." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 767

You deserved it 7 313

By SadManKillMeNow - 25/05/2019 22:00

Today, after deactivating my Facebook page 4 days ago for stalking reasons - as in me stalking my ex - I reactivated it for approximately 3 minutes to see what his status update was, then deactivated it again. I'm just THAT pathetic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 643

You deserved it 2 770

By I hate my brother - 20/03/2016 18:53 - United States - Lafayette

Today, I just came back from Afghanistan after a 9-month tour, and my brother asked, "How many towelheads did you kill?" He then acted offended when I smacked him upside the head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 859

You deserved it 1 993

By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 23:24 - Canada

Today, I finally had enough money to buy my girlfriend an engagement ring, which I was going to pick up after work. On my way to work, I slid on the ice and crashed into a parked vehicle. The damage to my car is almost twice the amount of the ring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 661

You deserved it 3 561

By bleh - 23/11/2009 22:29 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I were fooling around when his foreskin ripped and bled all over the place. After a trip to the emergency room, the doctor told us no sex for 6 weeks to let it heal. We're getting married and going on our honeymoon in 2 weeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 314

You deserved it 6 778

By YouSoSmelly - 02/08/2013 13:58 - United States - Kannapolis

Today, I met the most beautiful girl I've ever seen on the beach. I was nervous, but I just smiled and said, "Hey, you're really pretty." Then I let out a horrific fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 379

You deserved it 12 020

By anonymous - 12/10/2011 06:11 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years dumped me for a chick I shared a hospital room with for 2 months. I introduced them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 673

You deserved it 3 749

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