Miscellaneous: Today, I was at a frat band party dancing with my girl when I... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at a frat band party dancing with my girl when I felt some liquid on my arm. Normally, I'll lick spilled drinks off my arms and being slightly intoxicated, I did. Then I realized it was chunky. The girl dancing next to us had puked everywhere and I licked her vomit off my arm. FML

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Dangling modifier

Out of it

Trip Advisor says no

By Gone With the Wind - United States - Omaha

Today, the tornado sirens went off so my family went to the basement and turned on the TV to the local news. The station goes to their sky cam as a trampoline flies by. Quite the sight. When the storm passed, I looked outside to see our trampoline was gone. It was the one flying by on TV. FML

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By nightmarestonite - Canada

Today, I was admiring a beautiful painting I had hung in my bedroom. My brother kindly pointed out that when flipped upside down, it takes the shape of a lunatic girl with bleeding eyes. Now I can't unsee it. FML

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By hatemebeforetheyevenhatch - United Kingdom - Clydebank

Today, I ordered Chinese and told them I was allergic to eggs. I took a bite and I found some egg, quickly spat it out and took my antihistamines. When I returned with it and complained about my potential demise, they gave me a free orange to apologise. I'm allergic to oranges. FML

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By TCRII

Today, my estranged wife, who I am divorcing, asked me to find homes for our animals. I have a dog, which I am keeping. She has 3 dogs, 4 cats, 1 pig, 3 goats, 2 horses and 54 chickens. FML

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By kikuhime - 17/1/2021 02:01

Oh, hello

Today, I came early from my job, just to find my boyfriend in bed, with my dad. FML

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By skyhigh - United States

Today, I discovered my parents have spent my college fund because "2012 will happen" before I graduate. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chicago

Today, my fiancé's best friend, who will be our best man at our wedding, decided to confess his feelings for me and tell me how he's always dreamed of us eloping together. The wedding is going to be awkward. FML

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By MyLegsHurt - United States - San Francisco

Today, I felt flexible in my yoga class. I put my legs in the butterfly position and tried to press them down. Both my hips popped very painfully and I screamed in the middle of a quiet room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on my first date in nearly a year. A few minutes into the meal, he called me "scrumptious" and made animal noises for the rest of it. FML

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By MCMB33 - United States

Today, I caught my pregnant wife smoking. This is after I quit over a month ago to show her my support and be a good influence on our child. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I canceled my Gamefly account. Seems that was the only thing keeping us together. FML

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By SinkingShip - South Africa

Today, it's been two months since I started a three-year contract at a new job. So far, 5 people have resigned. Pretty sure I've joined a sinking ship. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a paintball match with a group of friends, one of whom brought his dad along. His dad is a weight-lifting, wannabe alpha male fucknut who thinks that chokeslamming opponents is a legitimate close-quarters paintball tactic. My broken shoulder disagrees. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Dunedin

Today, I had an awful day and angrily threw a glass at the wall. Needless to say, I didn't feel like cleaning it up, and I took a nap, intending to do it later. I thought I would remember the bits of glass everywhere when I woke up. I didn't, but my feet soon did. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was crocheting while watching television, and thinking to myself how proud I was that I taught myself to crochet. Then, an episode of Golden Girls came on, and I watched that while I crocheted. I'm 24. FML

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By proudparent - Canada

Today, my 5 year old son asked me to explain how he was born. After I told him I had a C-Section, he went to school and told everyone he was born at sea. I found out when the teacher called me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got an invitation to my ex-boyfriend's wedding. We broke up because "he didn't believe in marriage." FML

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By Cockroachphobic - 4/4/2020 14:00

Creepy crawlies

Today, I found out that the small bugs I've been blowing off my pillow all year are in fact baby cockroaches. I discover this when I found two full grown ones crawling around and decided to Google it. FML

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By caltech - United States - San Jose

Today, I applied for a job as a secretary. As I sat in the waiting room, the interviewer came out with his wife. She gave me a once-over, then said to her husband, "Hire this one. She's so ugly, you would never have an affair with her." FML

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By Fackwork - United States - Council Bluffs

Today, after declining an amazing job offer that pays more than double what I make now in order to accept a promotion my boss offered me if I stayed, I asked when I would receive the promotion and pay raise. She snorted and said, "You thought I was serious about that?" FML

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By ew - United States - Garland

Today, I asked the 7-year-old that I was babysitting if he could burp on command. He said he could, and began to demonstrate. It turns out he couldn't purposely burp, but he definitely could vomit on command. FML

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By littlepsychgirl - United States

Today, my parents asked me if I would dog-sit for them while they go to my ex's wedding. FML

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By 7rafe7 - United States

Today, I learned that standing next to a hobo doesn't make me look better in comparison, but instead just makes me seem like a hobo as well. FML

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By blueballed - Germany - Kiel

Today, after a huge fight, my girlfriend started coming onto me. I thought it was actual make-up sex and went along with it. It was great, until she suddenly shoved me off her just as I was almost ready to come. She smugly announced she was dumping me, got dressed, then left. FML

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By newestallen

MILs gonna MIL...

Today, I married the love of my life, which was meant to stay secret until we can afford a ceremony. I opened Facebook to see that my hubby’s mom made a post about it, called me her new daughter-in-law, and tagged me. All 3 things we specifically asked her not to do. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I turned 35. I was given my first-ever orgasm by the best lover I've ever had: a massaging shower head from Wal-Mart. That I bought for myself. It was the only gift I received. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ames

Today, the highlight of my whole month was finally being able to take a solid crap. FML

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By foreverashamed - Canada

Today, my father decided that since I'm 21 and have never had a girlfriend, he would buy me a book on how to talk to girls. The book is written by a 9-year-old kid. FML

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By Worstjob - United States

Today, I started my job as a high school janitor. A student decided to welcome me by taking a dump in the urinal. FML

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By Chihuahuanope - United States - Lincoln

An Expensive Snack

Today, my girlfriend's 2lb chihuahua ate 500 dollars worth of textbook. FML

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By meeee - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a serious argument and he stormed out of the house mad. Why? I wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of his knob. FML

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By squarecircles - Canada - Vancouver

Today, while working at my unfulfilling part-time job, my colleague said, "Are you aware of how much you sigh?" And then she said, "You're too young for that." So, am I supposed to hold my breath now? FML

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By talkssuck - United States

Today, I was hooking up with my girlfriend when her dad knocked on the clear door that leads to the room. About 5 minutes later both of her parents came in to give us the "talk" which included the first time her parents did it. In detail. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after driving a few hours late at night I decided to entertain the car tailgating me by not letting him pass. After doing this for 3miles, reaching 93MPH, I decided to let the car pass me. When I switched lanes, the car tailgating me light up in red and blue. It was a cop. FML

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By harshdoobie - Canada

Today, while looking in the mirror at my full-blown grease-spewing acne-riddled face, my father came up behind me and said, "Don't worry son, I had acne like that when I was your age". I replied, "No you didn't", and his immediate response while laughing was, "No, I didn't." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Sexy time

Today, I tried to be sexy and put a condom on with my mouth. Instead, I inhaled it and my boyfriend broke three of my ribs giving me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to use my epilator on my eyebrows. Needless to say I now have the eyebrow equivalent of a comb-over. FML

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By stubblebutt - Australia

Today, my date arrived far earlier than expected to pick me up. Apparently my mother decided to show him to my room anyway. When the door swung open, I happened to be butt naked in front of the mirror, trying to pick out an ingrown hair on my bum. FML

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By pikachu - United States

Today, my girlfriend farted in her sleep, woke me up because it was so damn loud, and my room smelt like rotten noodles for about an hour. FML

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By carr - France

Today, my mother noticed that I hadn't taken the trash out in a few weeks and angry, piled various full trash bags on my bed. I've been away on holiday for the past three weeks, I guess she didn't notice that part. FML

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Top comments

By judgeymcjudge | 0

#122578 - Saturday 18 April 2009 20:06

Why the fuck would you lick random liquids off your arm without knowing what they are or whose cup/glass/bottle/BODY they came from?! You're an idiot. YDI.

By QJD | 0

#122566 - Saturday 18 April 2009 20:04

Ugh..That's just.........Im not going to say it. YDI.

COMMENTS

By ragas | 0

#122563 - Saturday 18 April 2009 20:04

omg first

Reply

jason1065 | 0

#1281192 - Saturday 21 August 2010 22:43

mmmm decilous

Reply

sexybeastsexybea | 0

#1859299 - Saturday 18 December 2010 7:03

definitely decilous.

Reply

tellithowitis | 13

#2536482 - Friday 20 May 2011 2:02

where did your parents go wrong with u?

By login_fml | 0

#122565 - Saturday 18 April 2009 20:04

HAHAHAHAHAHA

By QJD | 0

#122566 - Saturday 18 April 2009 20:04

Ugh..That's just.........Im not going to say it. YDI.

Reply

teotsi | 28

#5921140 - Monday 21 April 2014 9:12

Nasty.

By singer101 | 0

#122571 - Saturday 18 April 2009 20:04

omg i would have thrown up because of that
that's horrible

By mildver | 0

#122572 - Saturday 18 April 2009 20:05

HAHAHAHA YDI thats disgusting!!!!

By judgeymcjudge | 0

#122578 - Saturday 18 April 2009 20:06

Why the fuck would you lick random liquids off your arm without knowing what they are or whose cup/glass/bottle/BODY they came from?! You're an idiot. YDI.

Reply

fijisoccer15 | 4

#3099514 - Saturday 13 August 2011 10:03

Have you ever been smashed before? Shit happens. Lol

By DizzyDemon0 | 9

#122588 - Saturday 18 April 2009 20:09

It prolly tasted bad ay? rofl. good job buddy. better luck next time..licking something off ur arm XD

By ragas | 0

#122590 - Saturday 18 April 2009 20:10

yeah seriously, YDI, even licking spilled drinks off is kinda nasty. wouldn't your first instinct be to brush it off or something instead of licking your arm in the middle of the dance floor?

By indecision | 0

#122592 - Saturday 18 April 2009 20:10

Ewww. Agreed with #6.

By Adamantoise | 0

#122595 - Saturday 18 April 2009 20:10

Didn't you ever learn to not lick unidentified stuff?