Today, I was at a frat band party dancing with my girl when I... - FML

By Anonymous - 18/4/2009 10:42 - United States

Today, I was at a frat band party dancing with my girl when I felt some liquid on my arm. Normally, I'll lick spilled drinks off my arms and being slightly intoxicated, I did. Then I realized it was chunky. The girl dancing next to us had puked everywhere and I licked her vomit off my arm. FML

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Breaking Badly

My body, my choice

Great guy

By ShamefulShoop - 31/5/2018 19:00

cringe intensifies

Today, I took my mother grocery shopping. From the opposite end of the snack aisle, she yelled, "They don't have my darkies! Ya know how I like my darkies!” She was talking about dark pretzels. I don’t think the appalled black couple next to me knew that. FML

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By "Sonofaquiche" - 7/5/2017 00:00

No Ragerts

Today, after a night of drinking, I woke up in the hospital with a broken coccyx. Apparently, my drunk self came to the glorious conclusion that it would be a good idea to cannonball into a puddle while screaming "POOLPARTYYYY!" at the top of my lungs. FML

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By NotFunny - 24/9/2009 19:44 - United States

Today, I missed my bus by a minute. I called up my step dad asking him if he can drive me because I had a test first period. After about calling him twenty times, and him not picking up, I see him drive by the bus stop pointing at me and laughing hysterically. FML

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By publicenemy - 15/9/2009 12:16 - United States

Today, I was first in line at a stoplight. After five minutes, with a line of cars behind me, the light was still red. People behind me started honking, so I decided to just go. Halfway across the way, I was greeted by a camera flash. Nobody else went. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/5/2011 19:16 - United Kingdom

Today, I went on a long overdue vacation to France with my husband and young daughter. As revenge for an earlier prank, my sister has apparently taught my daughter to swear profusely in French. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/6/2017 04:00

Today, I asked my friend to hand in my homework for me since I have tonsillitis. She thought it would be funny to draw a big heart on it with my teacher's name inside, which she then handed in. FML

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By loveurlifejk - 28/12/2011 06:32 - United States

Today, I was woken up to my mother screaming obscenities at me, all because I threw up last night after days of not feeling well, and the flushing of the toilet afterwards woke her up. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2013 16:49 - United States

Today, my sister texted me, saying she was about to go into surgery. It's been a long time coming, and we've both been worried about what could happen. I texted "good luck" back. My phone autocorrected it to "goodbye" and I didn't even notice. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/3/2015 10:33 - United Kingdom - The Hyde

Today, I decided to put on some sexy lingerie and wait for my husband to come home to surprise him. He took one look at me and immediately accused me of cheating. He was convinced my explanation was a lie and that I'd rushed some guy out the back door when he came home. FML

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By smoothies14 - 6/11/2015 17:29 - United States - Weatherford

Today, I was studying on a bench outside my dorm when the leg snapped. I decided to do the right thing and let administration know what happened. After assuring me it wasn't my fault, and having me fill out an incident report, they billed me $400. I can't enroll for next semester until I pay. FML

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By Flopera - 12/5/2018 05:00

Today, I treated my out of town family to a surprise opera experience as a belated Christmas present. When we arrived, there were people already in our seats. Upon checking the tickets, I realized that I had purchased them for the following Friday instead of today. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/10/2013 18:48 - Belize - Belize City

Today, I finally found a place to stay after being kicked out by my parents. The psycho owner waited till now to tell me that my bathroom door will remain locked at all times, and that whenever I want to go in there, I have to ask him to unlock it, then do my business while he waits outside. FML

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By Busted - 16/3/2010 18:35 - United Kingdom

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend since I believed him to be cheating on me with another woman, something he adamantly denied. I went to his house to get all my stuff back. After I left, I discovered a silk thong that definitely did not belong to me, in amongst my clothes. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2018 19:00

Today, I got a promotion because my boss “accidentally” had sex with my wife. FML

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By desertpunk75 - 19/1/2011 03:40 - United States

Today, my friends thought it'd be funny to hold lighters under the smoke alarms while I was sleeping. FML

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By PrettyScared - 29/7/2013 15:07 - United States - Matthews

Today, my step-brother said to me, "If we weren't related I would fuck you so hard." Mom says I should "be grateful for such a nice compliment." FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2013 10:17 - Germany - Berlin

Today, it's my only day off work in a while. I told my boss I'd be available via phone in case of emergencies. So far I've been called three times: To ask how the fax works, to let me know it's a slow day, and to ask me where the letter R is on a keyboard. FML

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By noneoftheabove - 28/1/2009 05:21 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to buy some Ibuprofen and got asked for ID. You have to be over 16 to buy it. I'm 25. FML

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By shay786 - 5/5/2020 17:00

My eyes!

Today, I heard grunting and then realized it was my tenant with his boyfriend. When I went down to do my laundry, I caught them in the act. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2020 17:02

Late bloomer

Today, I’m at the age where I should be married or in a committed relationship and having kids. Instead, I’m STILL single. I haven’t had a first date or a first kiss. If any of that changes, luck and time aren’t going to be on my side because biologically I won’t be able to have kids. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/2/2014 21:02 - United States - Antelope

Today, I was walking home, when a car heading the other way hit a traffic cone. I must have been an asshole in a previous life, because the universe decided to make sure the cone flew into the side of my head. The bystanders were shocked for all of two seconds before laughing. FML

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By nofriends - 9/2/2016 05:17 - United States - Boise

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he wanted to throw me a surprise birthday party. The only issue was the fact I didn't have any friends to make it happen. FML

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By suhleedah18 - 19/12/2011 05:03 - United States

Today, I was working on the computer when my dad walks in, pointing his finger at me like a gun. Before I could even ask, it turns out he was aiming a rubber band at me. The doctor says I'll be able to take off my eye patch in a couple of days. FML

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By nightxxtime - 10/1/2017 14:39

Today, a guy I'm dating was supposed to come over. He would have if I haven't fell asleep while he was waiting for me to open the door. FML

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By royalscenery - 27/10/2010 21:58 - Canada

Today, after discussing the side-effects of an insomnia aid, my doctor said that making a choice was naturally a difficult one, and that he would only prescribe it to me once I'd had "a good, long sleep on it". He then laughed out loud and called in the next patient. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2010 02:22 - United States

Today, after staying in bed all day for a week from sickness, I get up to tell my mom I have terrible back pain and feel extremely dizzy. After curling up on the chair next to her, not being able to keep my head up for too long, she simply stares at me and says, "Can I finish my dinner now?" FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2012 16:09 - United Kingdom - Darlington

Today, I had the contraceptive implant removed from my arm after having had it in for three years. I was one of the unlucky people whose body sticks to it. It took half an hour to cut and pull a tiny little stick out of my arm. FML

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By boiled ladybits - 25/6/2020 14:02

Call the waaaambulance!

Today, I was in the shower having a little fun with the detachable shower head. I didn’t know anyone else was home until I heard a toilet flush and scalding hot water flooded my cooch. I think I need to go to the ER, but I’m too embarrassed to ask for a ride there. I can’t walk or sit properly. FML

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By CantBlink - 16/7/2012 18:25 - United States - Jersey City

Today, I woke up with a pimple on my eyelid. Not only is it impossible to cover up with makeup, I can't pop it either. Now I'll be spending the rest of the day trying not to blink. FML

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By DarkDolly - 4/2/2012 16:39 - France

Today, at around 2am, I was walking through a parking lot to my car when a man walking behind me told me not to be scared. I turned around to tell him there was no problem. He was naked. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2010 19:28 - United States

Today, in the middle of class, I sneezed out the biggest, wettest booger I have ever seen in my life. I'd used the inside of my elbow to cover my nose, but I neglected to notice that my hair had fallen over my shoulder. I couldn't get it all out of my hair and I don't think any believed me when I said it was hair gel. FML

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By Snow-White - 4/7/2014 00:27 - United Kingdom - Wilmslow

Today, I found a wasp in my kitchen, so I opened the back door and left the room for 10 minutes in the hope that it would fly away. Upon returning, I found that there were now three wasps, a vicious cat and a very panicked pigeon crashing around the room. FML

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By anon - 21/12/2013 14:13 - United States - Lehigh Acres

Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex. I guess she got bored because she started looking at her nails. FML

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By ugly - 7/4/2009 23:34 - United States

Today, I was volunteering at a school. There's this really bratty boy there and he was being rude, so I joked, "How are you ever gonna get a girlfriend when you're so mean?" He responds, "I think the better question is how are you ever gonna get a boyfriend when you're so ugly." He's 7. FML

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By ellen77 - 13/9/2013 05:55 - United States - Santa Barbara

Today, I had to babysit two kids. It all went well until one of them duct taped a knife to a toy machine gun, lit the barbecue on fire, and ran around like a wild banshee screaming obscenities. The other one got scared and climbed onto the roof of the house. FML

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By jobless1 - 5/7/2015 04:04

Today, I went to an important job interview, only to be told I'm not what such a "prestigious" company was looking for. This from a pimply-faced 20-something who took a personal call on speakerphone mid-interview, and actually said "lmao" out loud at his friend's joke. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2019 04:00

Student Hell

Today, I'm studying in another city. My tutor hates me because of my looks and accent. I have no friends, computer or internet outside of uni. I live in a room I rent at an old couple's house. Due to a flimsy door, I hear everything they do or say, and vice versa. I can't move from the bed. If I do, their dog, who guards my door, starts barking. FML

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By SMCHR - 9/5/2011 03:22 - Ireland

Today, after I moved into my college dorm three days ago, my roommate is still convinced that she is a cat. FML

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By um... maybe - 12/3/2013 22:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I was helping my father-in-law out at a family barbecue. Somehow, the topic turned to grand-children, at which point I confessed that my wife has been having trouble conceiving. His response was to boom: "Sure you've been putting it in the right hole, son?!" FML

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By Coach - 30/10/2009 13:19 - United States

Today, I was woken up from a phone call from my boss. He asked if I had been asleep. I told him I wasn't, that I was in my car on the way to work. Then my alarm went off. FML

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Top comments

By judgeymcjudge | 0

#122578 - Saturday 18 April 2009 20:06

Why the fuck would you lick random liquids off your arm without knowing what they are or whose cup/glass/bottle/BODY they came from?! You're an idiot. YDI.

By QJD | 0

#122566 - Saturday 18 April 2009 20:04

Ugh..That's just.........Im not going to say it. YDI.

COMMENTS

By ragas | 0

#122563 - Saturday 18 April 2009 20:04

omg first

Reply

jason1065 | 0

#1281192 - Saturday 21 August 2010 22:43

mmmm decilous

Reply

sexybeastsexybea | 0

#1859299 - Saturday 18 December 2010 7:03

definitely decilous.

Reply

tellithowitis | 13

#2536482 - Friday 20 May 2011 2:02

where did your parents go wrong with u?

By login_fml | 0

#122565 - Saturday 18 April 2009 20:04

HAHAHAHAHAHA

By QJD | 0

#122566 - Saturday 18 April 2009 20:04

Ugh..That's just.........Im not going to say it. YDI.

Reply

teotsi | 28

#5921140 - Monday 21 April 2014 9:12

Nasty.

By singer101 | 0

#122571 - Saturday 18 April 2009 20:04

omg i would have thrown up because of that
that's horrible

By mildver | 0

#122572 - Saturday 18 April 2009 20:05

HAHAHAHA YDI thats disgusting!!!!

By judgeymcjudge | 0

#122578 - Saturday 18 April 2009 20:06

Why the fuck would you lick random liquids off your arm without knowing what they are or whose cup/glass/bottle/BODY they came from?! You're an idiot. YDI.

Reply

fijisoccer15 | 4

#3099514 - Saturday 13 August 2011 10:03

Have you ever been smashed before? Shit happens. Lol

By DizzyDemon0 | 9

#122588 - Saturday 18 April 2009 20:09

It prolly tasted bad ay? rofl. good job buddy. better luck next time..licking something off ur arm XD

By ragas | 0

#122590 - Saturday 18 April 2009 20:10

yeah seriously, YDI, even licking spilled drinks off is kinda nasty. wouldn't your first instinct be to brush it off or something instead of licking your arm in the middle of the dance floor?

By indecision | 0

#122592 - Saturday 18 April 2009 20:10

Ewww. Agreed with #6.

By Adamantoise | 0

#122595 - Saturday 18 April 2009 20:10

Didn't you ever learn to not lick unidentified stuff?