Intimacy: Today, I was at a club with a friend. A cute guy kept smiling... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 218

You deserved it 56

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 113

You deserved it 1 028

05/06/2009 19:46

Spicy

Today, I was at a club with a friend. A cute guy kept smiling and looking over at me. He left his seat and went to the bar and brought back two drinks. He waved me over and then said, "Can you tell your hot friend that I bought her a drink?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 373

You deserved it 4 988

Batman

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Team Insomnia

21/05/2011 07:20

Today, I had to take care of my best friend while she was drunk. This meant changing her pee-soaked sheets, making her take a bath to get all the baby powder off, and making her put clothes on as she tried to run out the house naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 264

You deserved it 4 605

11/06/2016 14:27

Today, I proposed to my boyfriend. He said yes, but is now sulking because I took away his "manhood". Jeez, sorry I didn't want to wait another 7 years for you to finally do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 905

You deserved it 1 997

28/10/2010 09:26

Today, I met my husband's other wife. FML

I agree, your life sucks 61 315

You deserved it 4 770

30/06/2009 11:20

Today, my girlfriend missed our date, so I text her angry, telling her if she can't make our dates then we should break up, and generally telling her off. 5 Minutes later I get a picture message of her sleeping in a hospital bed from her mother saying "Shut the **** up, she had appendicitis." FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 402

You deserved it 96 150

I'm late… for business!

By Anonymous - 06/03/2021 17:01

Today, the magazine that had my ad in it came out. There’s never been an ad for my niche before. But there was a bigger, better ad for exactly the same thing before mine. Yet another failed business idea for me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 741

You deserved it 69

22/09/2013 13:34

Today, I realized the only "person" I have talked to in the last two days is Siri. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 319

You deserved it 8 505

08/01/2011 20:35

Today, I had to point out the "no shirt, no shoes, no service" sign at my work to an extremely old, seemingly intoxicated man wearing an ill fitting speedo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 451

You deserved it 2 480

22/12/2014 21:36

Today, I got in trouble for going to work sick. Yesterday, I got in trouble for not going to work while sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 219

You deserved it 2 422

12/09/2009 20:06

Today, my friend's 11 year old son accidentally shocked himself with our electric fly swatter. Thirty seconds later, while trying to prove to him that it's physically impossible to shock yourself with it, and that it's perfectly safe, I did the exact same thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 770

You deserved it 54 381

02/08/2009 21:20

Today, a moth was flying around my house. Annoyed, I picked up a shoe to crush it with. The moth landed on a light fixture on the ceiling, so I made my move. Dead, the moth slipped gracefully through air and onto my head. So did the light fixture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 803

You deserved it 51 892

03/06/2011 18:32

Today, I got flustered because my hair straightener wasn't working. It took me fifteen minutes to realize I hadn't turned it on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 712

You deserved it 48 279

11/12/2010 14:44

Today, without even trying, I convinced my 17-year-old daughter that blueberries are just peas holding their breath. I have raised a complete airhead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 432

You deserved it 70 675

10/06/2012 06:24

Today, I used a prank app, where you shake the cell, and it makes the screen looks cracked. I ended up losing my grip on the phone. It went flying, and it is now cracked for real. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 928

You deserved it 36 517

You sleep in your pants?

By Anonymous - 01/03/2021 18:30

Today, I dreamt that I was using the toilet. The toilet was a dream, but the rest wasn't. My pants were soaked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 753

You deserved it 139

10/05/2011 05:12

Today, I learned what a nail gun shooting my leg feels like. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 166

You deserved it 11 947

07/02/2011 19:51

Spicy

Today, it looks like I may have an STD. My fiancé and his friends went to Vegas two months ago. He says he's been completely faithful. They say what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas. Turns out that's not quite true. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 849

You deserved it 4 698

05/12/2012 11:29

Today, my boyfriend sent me so many nice texts that he made me fall in love with him that little bit more. It turns out he was sweetening me up before telling me he cheated on me the night before. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 096

You deserved it 2 583

Creeper Alert

By "of fucking course" - 05/09/2017 06:00

Spicy

Today, I was feeling a little frisky and started making out with my husband on our couch. He had just taken off my shirt when a strange smell hit my nose. I turned my head and saw my alcoholic neighbor with a cigarette in his hand, watching the entire thing unfold. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 996

You deserved it 862

11/03/2010 14:28

Today, I found out that my entire family thinks I have no friends, am expressionless (to quote, "a robot") and that my monotonous voice hints at the suppressed depression hidden deep inside me. According to them, I need psychic evaluation. It all came out at a family reunion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 716

You deserved it 3 465

Rachel! Emily!

By MoreThenFriends - 16/08/2018 22:00

Today, my friend's father got me mixed up with his new wife when telling stories for his wedding speech. Everyone noticed. The new wife was not pleased. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 924

You deserved it 227

23/09/2010 00:52

Today, my boss fired me because I corrected him after he misspoke during a meeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 743

You deserved it 35 712

12/01/2010 07:45

Today, around 2:00 a.m. I had just sat down on my couch when I noticed one of my cats poking at what appeared to be a toy. I attempted to pick it up to play with the cat when it started to move like a mouse. I squealed like a girl and woke up my wife upstairs. I'm a 26-year-old man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 193

You deserved it 23 702

13/05/2016 20:00

Today, my boss asked if I'd finished my work for the day. I've been binge-watching Game of Thrones this week, and I accidentally replied "Yes, Your Grace," British accent and all. He told me to stow my "sarcasm" or I'd be looking for a new job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 967

You deserved it 11 037

22/05/2015 02:22

Today, I found out that my flatmate wears my underwear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 241

You deserved it 2 151

Make it work

By Anonymous - 23/10/2020 23:01

Today, I got my hair cut short, as it hasn’t been cut in well over a year and I was getting sick of dealing with it. I told the hairdresser I would probably look like a boy but she said it would look cute, and that she’d make sure it looks feminine. I loved how it came out, until the kid at CVS asked, “Can I help you sir?” FML

I agree, your life sucks 942

You deserved it 272

06/10/2017 13:00

Today, I pinched a nerve in my shoulder while pulling the bedcovers higher in the morning. After excruciating pain all day, I climbed back into bed at night, twisting my knee in the process. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 012

You deserved it 370

28/04/2009 21:49

Today, I texted my crush that I can't come over and invited him over instead. I was so anxious for his reply I took my cell to the washroom with me. Just as I was pulling up my pants I heard something fall into the bowl, I turned around and watched my cell floating in the my own pee, vibrating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 939

You deserved it 57 393

Thanks for the support

By Anonymous - 08/08/2021 14:01

Today, I told my mother-in-law that I was going through postpartum depression and was put on a antidepressant to help. Her response was, "Great, now we have a pill head in the family." FML

I agree, your life sucks 944

You deserved it 88

A complaint of Karens

By Fuckthispandemic - 19/02/2021 08:01

Today, while working as a manager in a busy restaurant, I was hit in the face by a grandmother with a balloon, calling me a motherfucker, while her granddaughter chucked a salad plate into the kitchen. Why? I told them they had to leave at 10, which is currently pandemic law in my state. FML

I agree, your life sucks 993

You deserved it 57

27/06/2009 04:12

Today, I was working at a soup kitchen with people from my church. Seeing a rather disheveled couple, I told them the line started "over there". Only then did I realize that they were from my church, and were there to help serve soup. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 800

You deserved it 41 099

27/09/2011 02:26

Today, I found out that my boyfriend is getting back together with his crazy alcoholic ex-wife who frequently cheated on him. In addition to this news, I also found out that he maxed out all my credit cards. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 604

You deserved it 4 860

11/08/2016 20:47

Today, I sprained my wrist while trying to grate a block of frozen cheese. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 424

You deserved it 3 868

Named and shamed

By unwanted - 01/04/2020 05:00

Today, I discovered that my cool, unique first name translates to "unwanted" in Hindi. Both my parents studied abroad in India for five years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 125

You deserved it 130

Let me sleep!

By ineed sleep!!! - 22/10/2019 20:00

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a huge argument when I suggested we start sleeping in separate rooms. He thinks I don’t love him anymore, but that’s not the case. I’m madly in love with him, but he snores like a freight train and thrashes like a fucking Ninja Turtle all night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 906

You deserved it 227

Some guys have all the luck

By Anonymous - 26/08/2020 05:03

Today my brother tried to teach me the merits of stalking women on Facebook, gave me a tutorial on how to use improper grammar and spelling to woo them and finally, "using misinformation to start a conversation." He's getting married soon. The last time I kissed a woman was 4 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 274

You deserved it 208

28/03/2014 20:11

Today, a would-be customer practically kicked my store door in, then got pissed and started throwing around insults after I told him that we were still closed, hence the closed sign. He claimed the sign was "confusing". FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 573

You deserved it 3 257

26/03/2009 17:40

Today, I was leading a wheelchair fundraiser to raise money to make public areas wheelchair accessible. I had several guest speakers, all of which were confined to wheelchairs. About ten minutes after the fundraiser was supposed to begin, I realized that the stage was wheelchair incompatible. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 100

You deserved it 77 471

24/09/2011 23:32

Today, my brother handed me a sandwich that I'd asked him to make for me. Halfway through eating the sandwich, he started laughing hysterically. I still don't know what was in it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 241

You deserved it 7 195

Masterchef

By sarah4241 - 26/07/2015 21:04

Today, I was making some scrambled eggs. I had the eggs in a pan, stirring for about ten minutes, before I realised that the eggs were cooking very slow. I tried to figure out what was wrong for another few minutes before my grandma pointed out to me that the oven wasn't turned on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 754

You deserved it 21 049

All in the family

By jerry Jerry Jerry - 15/05/2020 17:00

Today, I found out the truth about my parents’ divorce and why our family is so distant. Turns out my dad had an affair with not one, but two of my mom’s sisters. And that my youngest cousin is also my half-sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 168

You deserved it 118

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Friday 5 June 2009 23:06

geez! that's rude. he should have gone to your friend directly ... what a coward

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Friday 5 June 2009 23:02

Aww, Im sure you are sexy too =)

Comments

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Friday 5 June 2009 23:01

lol

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Friday 5 June 2009 23:01

HHAHAHAHA shameeeeeee xD dont worry...it happens

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Friday 5 June 2009 23:02

Aww, Im sure you are sexy too =)

jm88 0

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Friday 5 June 2009 23:03

It's ok.. he didnt have any game anyways.

fmlAllStar7274 0

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Friday 5 June 2009 23:03

HAHAHA sucker.... maybe hang out with less hot friends?

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Friday 5 June 2009 23:05

did you tell her?

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Friday 5 June 2009 23:05

#5 lol sucks to be you

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Friday 5 June 2009 23:05

Not really his fault. SHouldn't have assumed he was looking at you. Sounds desperate

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Tuesday 7 March 2017 15:10

Sorry. That's not how the world works. You see, people have this natural tendency to assume. And most of b the time, people (especially adults) will assume wrong. Sorry but it's true (have you met my parents? they are a great example of the "adults" I am talking about).

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Friday 5 June 2009 23:06

geez! that's rude. he should have gone to your friend directly ... what a coward

deadpoetic333 0

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Friday 5 June 2009 23:07

the dudes a douchebag for calling you over instead of your friend. A guy with a pair would have approached your friend himself. Sucks for you, but the dude is a pussy.