Today, I was at a birthday party and got my face rubbed in with... - FML

By nickname - 14/9/2009 09:21 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a birthday party and got my face rubbed in with a cake. When I came out of the restroom having washed my face I noticed one of the girls going in. Just to be nice I asked, "They put cake on your face too, did they?" She said no, that was just her make-up. FML

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Nice neighborhood

Hello everyone!

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By Anonymous - 14/11/2012 07:18 - United States

Today, excited that I finally got a place of my own, I invited my boyfriend over for a sexy sleep over. He told me his mom doesn't want him sleeping over. He's 21 years old. FML

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By crunch time - 1/1/2018 19:30 - United States - Jacksonville

Nice.

Today, while working out at the gym, I paused to check out a beautiful woman. The guy behind me said "Are you going to do your set or are you going to keep staring at my wife?" FML

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By EmbarrassedChild - 30/7/2015 23:24 - United States

Today, I was at the store with my father. As we were leaving, he grabbed a baguette, put it by his crotch, and took a picture with his phone. I'm starting to feel like the parent here. FML

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By ShockBait - 22/8/2009 21:07 - United States

Today, it was my next-door neighbor's birthday. Over the past year, his pitbull has attacked my stepdad several times and put some stiches on me. Lucky for us, the dog was finally put down. For his birthday my neighbor got a new, bigger, pitbull. FML

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By incendiaaa - 24/2/2013 11:17 - Australia

Today, my parents told me that I'm no longer allowed to come home from boarding school on weekends because it will confuse my cats and disrupt their lives. FML

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By danam - 5/7/2011 02:38 - Canada

Today, I looked out my window to see the sunset, but instead I see my neighbor dancing with strobe lights on and music blasting. He was by himself and had absolutely nothing on. FML

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By notyourfriend - 9/9/2014 01:26 - Canada - Peterborough

Today, my horrible boss sent me a Facebook friend request for the fifth time, in her attempt to not only bother me at work, but also through social media. FML

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By Loser - 21/8/2013 15:17 - United States

Today, I got my girlfriend to play Smash Bros Brawl with me. As it was her first time, I set up handicaps to give her at least a shot at winning. She won, quite handily. A little irritated at this, I took off the handicaps and tried again. She beat me even faster. FML

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By MarieAmber18 - 28/5/2015 18:05 - United States - Pasadena

Today, I found out that the reason why my boyfriend has been denying me sex isn't because he is scared of someone walking in on us. It's because his blow-up doll pleasures him more than I do. FML

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By holyshart - 5/6/2012 09:03 - United States

Today, I walked in on my roommate trying to smoke a Mars bar. FML

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By anon - 1/6/2018 01:30

Nightmare Fuel

Today, at work, I had a coughing fit so bad I actually shat myself. What felt like a gallon of liquid crap poured down my trouser leg onto the floor. I work in a competitive office and this happened in front of 30 spiteful coworkers who love posting pics online. FML

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By aireun - 9/7/2009 05:33 - United States

Today, my laptop plug got stuck in the wall outlet. I stood there for 10 minutes violently trying to yank it out. My boss came in and screamed at me for making noise. I was angry, so I glared at him and yanked on the plug as hard as I could. It dislodged itself noiselessly and I fell over. FML

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By hedgehog5 - 11/4/2009 19:14 - United States

Today, I found out my blood type is B. My parents are type A and type O. It's not genetically possible to be blood type B if your parents are A and O. This means I am either an adoptee, a mutant, or an illegitimate child. FML

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By - 31/12/2009 03:21 - France

Today, my first (and only true) date ended with the girl saying "Thanks for dinner, I was hungry - and oh, by the way, I'm a lesbian". FML

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By Anonymous - 29/11/2012 00:57 - Canada - Belleville

Today, I was waiting in a doctor's office when I was approached by an elderly woman. She told me all about the ripping of her stitches in a very private place, in exhaustive detail. Of course, today was the day my doctor chose to be an hour late. FML

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By Kidsthesedays - 9/11/2015 19:33 - United Kingdom - Saint Neots

Today, a kid came into the classroom I teach in to tell me there was "something" in the girls' toilets. "What kind of something", I asked? I was not expecting the answer "A period mural". FML

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By The Christmas Grinch - 18/11/2010 22:33 - Canada

Today, I woke up to my yard covered in snow, Christmas music playing loudly, and my noisy, obnoxious aunt and her three year old twin daughters playing and screaming. They're going to be living with us until after the winter holidays. It's only November 18th. FML

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By Good choice cat - 24/2/2014 19:05 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I learned that I'm the only person in my family that our new cat likes. She sleeps on my bed and always sits in my lap and despises everyone else. I'm allergic to cats. FML

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By speechless - 1/6/2013 00:50 - United Kingdom - Wallasey

Today, at the supermarket, an old lady asked for directions to the produce aisle. Having read way too many stories lately on this very site about awful elderly folks, I was wary, but helped her out. She gave me an awkward hug in thanks, lifting my wallet in the process, as I later found out. FML

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By notgonnaeatthat - 17/3/2016 20:40 - Germany - T?bingen

Today, it appears that moth larvae can make a water boiler their home, especially during my absence for four weeks. I learned it the hard way by pouring their boiled carcasses over my noodles. FML

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By Disappointed - 26/5/2016 20:27 - Canada - Niagara Falls

Today, I started dating my crush. Turns out she's a living nightmare. FML

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By - 5/1/2017 11:20

Today, I found out what rotten cooked potato both smells and tastes like. FML

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By DarkMaskDiva - 16/6/2011 00:24 - United States

Today, I found out the medications my doctor gave me for depression are making me fat. My main reason for depression is an eating disorder. Now, I'm fat instead of just thinking I am. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2014 19:31 - United Kingdom

Today, I replied to a party invite. I thought I was only replying to the hostess, who's a close friend, so added a P. S. about a recent sex toy purchase I'd made and how rubbish it had been. I only realised after pressing "Send" that I'd selected "Reply All". FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2014 18:43 - United States - Shawnee

Today, my husband suggested we get divorced, "for tax purposes". FML

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By Winchesterlover - 5/2/2011 18:41 - United States

Today, my mom and I tried out Just Dance 2 on the Wii. When we both threw out our hands at the same time, my mom's Wii remote hit my hand and ripped my finger nail. As I stared at the bloody, half hanging off nail, my mom muttered, "You should have stayed in your dance space." FML

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By Anonymous - 17/8/2012 22:16 - Canada

Today, my lazy manager, who blatantly spreads vicious rumors about employees, one which has ruined a marriage, has started targeting me because her lazy daughter was legally fired. Now I'm known around the office as "the whore who slept her way up the corporate ladder." FML

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By sadex - 9/3/2015 07:52

Today, I got the earlier bus to avoid my ex after a painful breakup. He had the same idea. FML

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By munckncruncj15 - 22/10/2009 04:19 - United States

Today, at lunch, a fly was buzzing around my food. I managed to kill the fly in my napkin in midair. I continued my lunch, pleased with my amazing ninja skills. When I was done with my lunch, I wiped my mouth with the napkin. I can still taste bug guts. Karma. FML

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By dumbucksally - 31/8/2018 06:00

Today, my 30-year-old boyfriend of 4 years OD'd on his mental health medication, resulting in a trip to the hospital. He said the experience was eye-opening and he wants to be 100% honest with me. He then said he wants to have sex with his biological mother, who he finally met last year. FML

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By The Lone Ranger - 5/10/2010 07:43 - United States

Today, I was given a $25 gift certificate for being Employee Of The Week. The gift certificate was 6 months past its expiration date. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2018 15:00

Today, I found out I have a new allergy: the sun. My face is so swollen that it has started to bleed to relieve the pressure. Today is also day 6 of the 3-month European trip that I spent all year saving for. FML

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By definatelynotamurderer - 3/3/2015 14:01 - United Kingdom

Today, after seven people at work approaching me and asking me if I was 'that lad from the paper', I picked one up to see what they were talking about. Turns out my doppelganger is a man who brutally murdered his older brother last year. FML

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By Nick - 22/5/2018 01:30

Today, my girlfriend and I went to see a horror movie. It ended up scaring her so badly that she refused to leave our bed all night long, even to pee. I have to clean the mattress now. FML

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By MrZhang - 23/6/2009 03:34 - Australia

Today, I had an interview with IBM. For a week I did extensive research and preparation for the interview. At first the interview was going really well. I was hitting all the marks. Then just as a final casual question she asked with a smile "What does IBM stand for?". I didn't know. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2012 08:30 - United States - Evergreen

Today, I unwrapped my present and, to my surprise, I had gotten a repair manual for my truck. Apparently, my parents are "Tired of seeing that piece of shit in front of our house." FML

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By jadkins - 6/7/2009 19:33 - Netherlands

Today, I was flirting with this cute girl from Croatia who is part of the my exchange group in Holland. After a few beers and some smooth talking, she led me inside to a closed off room. We were about to have sex when her boyfriend of 2 years called and proposed to her. FML

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By oxjessiiox - 11/10/2009 15:42 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to pretend to give birth in a play. I wanted to make it a realistic as possible but ended up crapping myself on stage by accident. FML

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By vintage_vogue - 17/6/2009 04:52 - United States

Today, I had a coffee date. The guy was waiting with coffee to meet me on the patio. I walked up to him, caught my favorite pendant necklace on the table, broke the necklace trying to get it free, and rattled the table so intensely that the guy's coffee spilled all over him. FML

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By TooSunnyForSkin - 5/6/2013 04:22 - United States - Huntington

Today, I found out my work gave me a vacation for my performance. It's a trip to somewhere in the Caribbean, with the nickname "The Sunniest Place on Earth." I have skin cancer. FML

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Top comments

By Bloodknight | 22

#562545 - Monday 14 September 2009 16:24

You did nothing wrong. That bitch just needs to learn how to do her makeup or get some plastic surgery.

By timtam24 | 0

#562553 - Monday 14 September 2009 16:28

struggling to see how you could confuse cake with make-up

suppose that's why they call them cake faces

COMMENTS

By rukusrazor | 0

#562535 - Monday 14 September 2009 16:19

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

notcoolperson | 0

#564332 - Tuesday 15 September 2009 9:13

You suck, you can't even use the appropriate language. "your are".

Reply

marleytooyou | 0

#944912 - Sunday 14 March 2010 5:58

how do u know if he is a virgin (stalker)

Reply

JacksonCampbell | 9

#2248416 - Sunday 27 March 2011 9:54

Due to OP's amazing way with the ladies, one could safely assume OP is a virgin. 'Nuff said.

Reply

matthew3 | 2

#4807800 - Monday 13 August 2012 14:44

And this is why you're an illiterate moron.

By my_fml_account | 2

#562543 - Monday 14 September 2009 16:23

this isnt really an FML. Its an FML for that cake-makeup girl

Reply

violentturtle | 0

#562715 - Monday 14 September 2009 18:32

He didn't really say it, he just thought it.

Reply

taylipn | 0

#562752 - Monday 14 September 2009 19:16

"Just to be nice I asked, "They put cake on your face too, did they?". She said no..."

he obviously SAID it

Reply

liamkilcoyne | 0

#1033870 - Thursday 17 June 2010 18:09

that girl woulda been a close friend to be at his party though. so maybe she thinks he's s cock

Reply

lilmiszaliin | 0

#1425604 - Sunday 19 September 2010 7:15

yeah.

Reply

AlexisJewell | 2

#2802480 - Saturday 2 July 2011 4:28

He never said it was his party, he was at someone else's party.

By Bloodknight | 22

#562545 - Monday 14 September 2009 16:24

You did nothing wrong. That bitch just needs to learn how to do her makeup or get some plastic surgery.

Reply

blargity | 0

#564271 - Tuesday 15 September 2009 7:52

plastic surgery is worse than make up but they both suck anyway
i guess she must have really had it caked on, huh?

Reply

chiddy_bang71 | 0

#3012088 - Monday 1 August 2011 3:41

Lol caked on. Puns r funny.

By timtam24 | 0

#562553 - Monday 14 September 2009 16:28

struggling to see how you could confuse cake with make-up

suppose that's why they call them cake faces

Reply

Witchcraft_fml | 4

#562781 - Monday 14 September 2009 19:55

Agreed. You'd have to be a complete idiot to leave clumps of make-up on your face. So unless it was dark foundation which looked like chocolate icing, I don't see how make-up could look like clumpy cake.

By TheOtherNewest1 | 6

#562562 - Monday 14 September 2009 16:35

That's a fail. Good job.

Still, who knows what she looked like. She could have just been THAT ugly.

By Fredzter | 0

#562566 - Monday 14 September 2009 16:38

GOO YOU! Some chicks needs to chill with the make-up, it looks cheap.

By Calaura9 | 0

#562573 - Monday 14 September 2009 16:43

Ha ha, I can't believe her makeup was so bad that you made that mistake.

By mosarmini | 0

#562574 - Monday 14 September 2009 16:43

Was this a costume party by any chance? she mightve been trying to pass off as joker

By xCrackerx | 3

#562576 - Monday 14 September 2009 16:44

You met Lady Gaga? Incredible!

Reply

Witchcraft_fml | 4

#562822 - Monday 14 September 2009 20:13

Win

By nirvan5a | 1

#562577 - Monday 14 September 2009 16:46

ahahahaha