Today, I was about to kiss my boyfriend in a courtyard when a... - FML

By lily - 18/8/2019 12:00

Today, I was about to kiss my boyfriend in a courtyard when a soccer ball hit me in the head, hard. My boyfriend remarked that it made a "hollow sound" when it hit me. FML

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Ambien conversations are the worst

Boozehound alert

Alexa, play "Cannonball" by The Breeders

By fatandsad - 3/1/2012 14:57 - United States

Today, I bought a $450 elliptical machine to get in shape of the new year. After 5 hours of putting it together, I realized that all the ceilings in every room of my apartment are too low for me to use it without hitting my head. I can't return it. FML

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By oops - 27/9/2015 02:24 - Australia - Cheltenham

Today, I got confused and said grace before brushing my teeth. FML

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By B - 4/2/2012 01:17 - United States

Today, my wife screamed at me, calling me a "useless, ungrateful piece of crap", all because I wouldn't have sex with her, despite hours of her nagging. I said no because I've been laid-up in bed for the past week waiting on surgery for an excruciatingly painful hernia. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2011 04:41

Today, I had a full on "conversation" with my cat about her laying off the catnip. I really need to get out more. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2019 16:00

Sexless in Seattle

Today, it's become clear I might have married the only man on the planet who doesn't care about sex. FML

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By Slipperywhenwet - 20/1/2017 10:00

Today, I tripped over a "Caution: Slippery When Wet" floor sign and sprained my ankle. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/11/2014 20:36 - United States - Deland

Today, I tried to blackmail my dad by threatening to tell mom about the bong and weed he keeps hidden in the garage. Turns out she already knew about it and neither of them give a shit. Now I'm grounded until the new year. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2012 20:38 - United States

Today, I'm so broke that when I got out of the shower, I had to slowly dry myself off with a ShamWow sample I received in the mail. FML

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By Wititipwitpwit - 21/1/2009 10:03 - France

Today, I broke the glass of the photocopier trying to photocopy my ass. My boss will be here in five hours. She'll know it was me. I'm the only night guardian. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2012 14:52 - United States

Today, I took my first fare as a qualified taxi-driver. The pride soon diminished as I was forced to listen to my passenger give a greatly detailed description of his recent colonoscopy. FML

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By lizzardbreath - 31/3/2009 10:44 - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I don't know very well. He told me to dress in formal attire so I assumed he was taking me to a nice dinner. He took me to his brothers wedding, and introduced me as "the one" to his entire family. FML

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By feelinblue - 23/6/2009 11:31 - Australia

Today, I ran into an old student of mine at the grocery store. She didn't recognize me at first so I introduced myself as her old teacher. She looked taken aback for a moment, and then said, "Oh my God... you're still alive?" FML

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By Worst Way To Get Promoted - 25/9/2019 16:00

Promoted!

Today, I walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room of our restaurant. I pretended I didn't see him and quickly closed the door. About five minutes later, he came out, cupped my face in his hands and told me I was getting promoted. I'm happy, but scarred for life. FML

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By awesome - 21/9/2010 04:49 - United States

Today, I ran over my neighbors' cat. I didn't want it to look like I killed it, so I put it under my other neighbor's car so it would look like they ran over it. The cat's owners were watching me. FML

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By No Job - 1/10/2015 01:42 - United States - Prairieville

Today, I was supposed to start my new job. I had forgotten I had a doctor's appointment, so I called work early and told them I wouldn't be able to start until tomorrow. My boss then terminated my employment. I got fired before I even started. FML

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By dollfacee - 9/7/2015 16:51 - United States

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he thinks I'm cheating on him, with my brother. FML

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By Photagrapher - 18/8/2010 04:09 - France

Today, my girlfriend asked for a picture of my penis, so I sent her one. Then later on, she asked for one when I was hard, the first one I sent I was hard. FML

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By SpontaneousAM - 15/4/2017 14:00 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, while moving my wax burner away from the window, I spilled hot wax all over my hands, the wall, and in my electric fireplace. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2009 14:36 - United States

Today, my brother had his hot friend over. I decided to make a move because he was staring at me and smiling all night. So I asked him which holiday was his favorite, Christmas or Easter while I batted my eyes and smiled. Thats when he said, "you have lettuce in your teeth." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2013 16:54 - Pakistan - Lahore

Today, I discovered the source of the vile stench in my room. My daughter had "saved" a bird from our cat and put it in a box under my bed, hoping to nurse it back to health. She forgot about it, leaving the corpse rotting in there for who knows how long. FML

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By Urinal Fresh - 2/3/2012 10:19 - Australia

Today, I vacuumed my car as I'm trying to sell it. After the interior was clean, I sprayed some air freshener. The chosen smell was "new car". I think they mislabeled it, as my car now smells like urinal cakes. I have two potential buyers coming tomorrow. FML

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By mustanggt - 2/10/2017 10:00 - United States - Utica

Today, I finished a repair on my trailer. About twenty miles down the road, one of the joints gave out and the whole thing broke on the freeway, scattering lumber and splinters everywhere. The traffic cop called me the worst carpenter in the whole state. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2011 14:00 - Malaysia

Today, as part of my job as a performer, I had to show off my skills with a switchblade in front of an audience. A kid shot a rubber band at me. I then needed stitches. FML

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By bucktooth - 26/4/2012 23:04 - United Kingdom

Today, while enjoying breakfast, my teeth took a chunk out of my cheek. This happens regularly, even when I'm talking. Both my doctor and dentist have no idea why, and I'm in utter agony. FML

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By oh my dad - 13/2/2013 16:45 - United States - Florence

Today, I had to convince my dad that text lingo causes brain damage just to try to get him to stop. He actually believed me, and is telling everyone they have, or will receive brain damage soon. FML

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By juliannamelissa - 6/9/2012 06:38 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I wanted to take a bubble bath with the jets in the bath that I haven't used in years. When I got in, it took me a while to realize that the jets had squirted out slime and a family of unidentifiable bugs that have probably been living there for years. FML

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By holladaddy - 24/2/2009 00:04 - United States

Today, I was DJ'ing a wedding. The groom wanted a song played for his grandma and grandpa. I announce over the microphone for his grandparents to come to the dance floor for a special song. Turns out his grandparents have been dead for over a year and the song was supposed to be in dedication. FML

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By Megan - 17/6/2012 19:38 - United Kingdom - Neath

Today, I was forced to listen and politely nod with a smile on my face, as my boss droned on and on, explaining that everything in the universe is slowly getting bigger, aside from him, because he's never felt so short before. FML

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By Earthboundb - 23/3/2009 06:51 - United States

Today, I just got back from a Civil War Reenactment in Virginia, my first big event in years. I spent over $200 on gas and food, and had to drive for over 10 hours both ways from Massachusetts. When I finally got there I realized, I had left my uniform at home. FML

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By cough - 27/12/2019 14:00 - Canada - Toronto

Good initiative

Today, I was choking on an apple and asked my sister to get me some water. She got some. Then drank it herself. FML

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By nicknack22 - 1/2/2009 15:48 - United States

Today, I made my new girlfriend orgasm for the first time. All she said after was "I drooled a little". FML

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By dino0123 - 12/12/2012 17:51 - United States - Herndon

Today, my very cheap boyfriend of four years proposed. I was overwhelmed with emotion, since he bought such a huge, seemingly-diamond ring. I was later overwhelmed with emotion when my finger turned green. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/3/2010 23:00 - United States

Today, while cleaning my car, I found my mother's underwear in the backseat. She'd borrowed my car last weekend because hers had been in the shop and she'd been called in to work. I see she put in for overtime. FML

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By 1.30am - 10/2/2012 09:59 - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by text at 1:30 am because he didn't want to give me "the dread of answering a phone call." When I asked him for an explanation, his reply was, "For what?" FML

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By fatlady - 7/3/2010 05:41 - United States

Today, my friend and I went to the park. I bet my friend I could fit into the swing that was sized for toddlers. I managed to fit in, but I couldn't get out. My friend had to call 911 to get me out. When they finally did, the fireman told me that fat ladies shouldn't try stuff like that. FML

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By idk ask freud - 4/7/2013 04:11 - United States - Portland

Today, I woke up from an extremely intense and pleasurable wet dream. This wouldn't have been bad, had it not been about Velveeta cheese. FML

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By thatshelpful - 2/7/2015 04:16 - United States - Council Bluffs

Today, after replacing several components on my new used car, I realized that the reason it wasn't getting the gas mileage it was supposed to because my coworkers take turns siphoning my gas while I work. FML

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By bonesniffer - 16/9/2010 05:13 - United States

Today, I crawled into bed naked, wanting to get some and hoping to surprise my boyfriend who's always complaining that I don't sleep naked. When he finally got into bed he rolled over, touched my bare ass and said 'oh' then rolled back over and went to sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2018 22:10

Today, my fancy rubber phone case did its job and saved my phone from damage when I dropped it on the bathroom counter. Unfortunately, it was rather useless after the massive bounce it took before landing in the toilet. FML

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By anonymous - 7/4/2010 04:21 - United States

Today, I was having it off with my boyfriend of 3 years in his living room when a girl barges in, sees us, and screams "I knew it!" then rushes out. My boyfriend gets up, grabs his pants and while chasing after her yells "baby she's nothing, you know I only love you!" FML

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Top comments

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7833853 - Sunday 18 August 2019 14:26

Soccer balls are hollow. That's where the air goes when they're inflated. Also, his attempt to be funny fell flat. Like an un-inflated soccer ball.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7833922 - Sunday 18 August 2019 18:05

Wink at him and tell him, “That’s because you fucked my brains out.”

Good ad-libs, FTW.

COMMENTS

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7833853 - Sunday 18 August 2019 14:26

Soccer balls are hollow. That's where the air goes when they're inflated. Also, his attempt to be funny fell flat. Like an un-inflated soccer ball.

By TomeDr | 21

#7833855 - Sunday 18 August 2019 14:29

I hope you told the idiot that the BALL is hallow! Seriously, do you want to be with a guy with so little empathy?

By RichardPencil | 28

#7833922 - Sunday 18 August 2019 18:05

Wink at him and tell him, “That’s because you fucked my brains out.”

Good ad-libs, FTW.

By Kristoffer | 34

#7834190 - Monday 19 August 2019 11:10

FYI: soccer balls are hollow. Thus they make a hollow sound. Hope this helps.

By jbuckets_404 | 38

#7835346 - Thursday 22 August 2019 3:44

Was there a hollow sound too when you kneed him in the balls??? (Or at least verbally warned him of your possibly doing?)