Miscellaneous: Today, I was able to check my voicemail and email for the first... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was able to check my voicemail and email for the first time in two weeks. The only message I got was from my landlord telling me that the house I'm renting is in foreclosure, and I needed to have all my stuff out in ten days. He left the message nine days ago. FML

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Late term

On the beat

Moving day, grandma

By Taylor parsons - United States

Today, my girlfriend was going down on me. She only did it for 30 seconds, stopped, then said, "I'm not in the mood anymore." FML

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By luvizwar - Australia

Today, it is my boyfriend's and my one year anniversary. I bought him a Playstation 2. As soon as I gave it to him, he went straight to set it up without giving me anything. I said "What about me?" He walked over to me, gave me a kiss and said "I love it when you buy me things for no reason." FML

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By emily - United States

Today, my cell phone was stolen. I work in a morgue. By myself. Obviously it wasn't stolen by any of those people. FML

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By melonhead77 - Cyprus

Today, I got so bored that I ordered my DVD drawer from awesomest to non-awesomest. I need a life. FML

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By grosstoenail - Canada - Courtice

Today, while I selling merch at a festival, a volunteer lost her toenail. Not only did she immediately show me, but she then took a picture and showed everyone coming up to my station. I lost sales because she wouldn't leave. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while making love to my boyfriend, my sister called my cell phone. Not wanting to face the consequences of not answering, I had a long conversation with her. My boyfriend kept going. FML

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By seriously?

Today, my best friend actually had the audacity to try and one-up my suicide attempt story. FML

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By Uriah - United States

Today, I was chatting with an amazing guy online. He was perfect for me. After five hours he told me he loved me and I said it back. So than we decided to trade nudes. I sent mine. Within two seconds my niece calls, laughing her ass off, telling me how weird my birthmark is. FML

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By Redhottt6

Today, I received a friend request from a boyfriend I hadn't talked to in 20+ years. A few minutes later he messaged me a picture of himself with a young woman at a strip club. My daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Taunton

Today, I started to tell my step-dad about a funny video I came across online last night. He cut me off by saying "Yeah? Well I came across your mom's face last night!" then left for work with a shit-eating grin on his face. I could've gone the rest of my life without knowing that. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, I went out to a restaurant with a girl I have been dating. The only conversation was about how proud she was of her fart during work earlier, and how she managed to clear out a section of the office. FML

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By FlabbyPants - United States - Fort Myers

Today, I woke up with every muscle in my body hurting so bad I could hardly walk. Participation in a triathlon, or overdoing it at the gym? No, the results of a day spent cleaning the house. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, the neighbors' kid got a new airhorn. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I attended my son's Christmas concert. When I went to sit down in the last available seat, a woman said she was saving it for her husband. Having nowhere else to sit, I stood in the back, for an hour. The seat remained empty for the entire concert. FML

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By Broken - United Arab Emirates

Today, my fiancé invited his pregnant co-worker for dinner. After we finished eating, he sat down and explained to me that her kid is his and that he's been cheating on me with her for 5 months. She had a smile on her face during the entire thing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, on my way to a big convention in Chicago, I found out that when my friend said, "I live in Chicago," they really meant, "I live an hour and a half outside of Chicago." Hello traffic and hours of daily driving. FML

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By Sophie - United Kingdom

Today, I got hit by a car. My friends left me to get to the hospital myself. The cab was double fare. FML

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By A bit cowardly?

Today, my boyfriend of two years asked his friend to propose to me for him, because he was too nervous to do it himself. FML

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By Puppysit88 - United States

Today, I was petsitting for my neighbor's new puppy. A huge thunderstorm came, and the puppy started whining and shivering violently. I pulled it into my lap to try and comfort it. One loud clap of thunder later, and the puppy had explosive diarrhea all over me. FML

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By Laughluv - United States

Today, I realized that I have been playing a little too much Call of Duty: Modern Warfare 2. I realized this when I was watching a youtube video and there was someone walking in the background who I impulsively tried to gun down and kill by moving my mouse over him and clicking repeatedly. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - London

Today, even though I'm overweight, I was feeling alright about the way I looked in the historical costume I'm required to wear by my job. A little kid came in and asked me if I was having a baby. Guess I don't look as good as I thought. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I got an anonymous letter, stating my condo's community and all my neighbors can hear me having sex. Not only that, but kids gather around my window to listen. FML

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By thanks hun

Overheard musings

Today, my husband came out of the bathroom and screamed, "Call 911 because I just murdered this motherfucking toilet!” then laughed hysterically at his own stupid joke. I was on a Zoom meeting at the time. Everyone heard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chester

Today, I'm so broke after paying my bills, that I resorted to eating plain garlic butter from the pizzeria down the street for lunch. The worst part: to get the butter, I stormed in and angrily complained, saying they forgot to give it to me. I never even ordered a pizza. FML

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By mommy_issues - United States

Today, I was curious as to whether or not my mom was off of her medication. When I asked her, she pulled a knife on me. Looks like I got my answer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, my husband was chased out of a bar after he was seen slipping something into a woman's drink. I was the woman, the 'something' was aspirin, and that's the last time we ever try to role-play. FML

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By ClumsyKatey

Today, due to an incident with the dishwasher, a coatrack and my bathrobe, I ended up locked out of my house naked as a jaybird. I had to hide in the backyard for several hours until my family got home from their various activities to get back in. They still haven't stopped laughing at me. FML

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By

Today, a guest at my restaurant asked me what a tip was. I had to awkwardly explain to him that servers don't make hourly wages, and we rely on tips from customers to make money. After I finished, he laughed at me, called me a sucker, and stiffed me on a $120 tab. FML

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By Husband to be....maybe

Today, I found out I was allergic to bees, the hard way, at my wedding. FML

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By 44haley44 - United States

Today, I woke up to my pants off and my vibrator still on. I fell asleep masturbating. FML

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By fEk - Australia

Today, I couldn't find my reading glasses, thinking perhaps i'd dropped them outside, I stepped off my deck bare foot, straight into a steaming dog turd. Only to see my glasses chewed up a few feet away. It went between my toes. FML

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By Anonymous - Taiwan

Today, I went to pick up my daughter from preschool. When I got there, I ran to give her a hug. She screamed and ran away. FML

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By Kylene - United States

Today, I had an interview for a job in a professor's lab. He seemed like a really nice, grandfatherly old guy. We got up to go take a look around the lab, and he held out his arms really wide to me... so I went in for a hug. Turns out he was just gesturing for me to go through the door first. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to slowly explain to my boss that in some parts of the world, it's currently winter, due to the different hemispheres. He scoffed, accused me of "making shit up," and said that if I took him for a fool again, I'd be looking for a new job. FML

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By constantine - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend that I didn't feel wanted. Then she talked about how her cat puked on the carpet. FML

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By bigmistake - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy I've had a crush on for a while. I shaved my legs and armpits and wore a short dress. It wasn't until I got to the meeting that I noticed I only shaved one of my legs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lebanon

Today, my mother moved in to my 2-bedroom apartment with me. She brought her boyfriend, 4 chihuahuas, and 2 birds with her. FML

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By shyshy96679 - United States

Today, I was using the restroom when a little girl tried to open my stall. It was locked, so she slid under the door and tried to have a conversation with me while I was pooping. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my dad told me it would be fine to use the mounting tape he'd bought to place paintings up in my newly painted room. I did, but after deciding I wanted to move a painting and pulling it off the wall, the wall came with it. Back to square one. FML

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By CJune24 - United Kingdom - Huddersfield

The Great Pretender

Today, I tried to seduce my boyfriend so I mounted him and began kissing him. He immediately pretended to snore into my mouth and rolled over, making me fall off of the bed. FML

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Top comments

By anniebananie | 3

#536547 - Thursday 3 September 2009 16:19

Wouldn't there be some sort of written notice involved? Ask for more time because you didn't receive an eviction notice on paper.

By 01100110 | 0

#536528 - Thursday 3 September 2009 16:13

Why couldn't you check your messages?

COMMENTS

By jasnoo | 0

#536526 - Thursday 3 September 2009 16:13

sucks

Reply

firstman_fml | 0

#536738 - Thursday 3 September 2009 18:27

fake second

Reply

strananabomb | 0

#536761 - Thursday 3 September 2009 18:44

Err... Read the notes at the bottom of the FML, next to the name "Anonymous" Just saying...

Reply

AA357 | 0

#1000103 - Friday 21 May 2010 4:44

Well get fucking moving!

Reply

ArentICute | 0

#2842180 - Friday 8 July 2011 0:29

Better get off the computer and start packing.

By TheSceneOne | 0

#536527 - Thursday 3 September 2009 16:13

fyl is right that sucks

Reply

noobgang7 | 5

#856555 - Monday 15 February 2010 2:49

at least he got there a day before than a day after

Reply

sapiano | 0

#1093530 - Thursday 15 July 2010 15:54

I hate moving!!!!!

By 01100110 | 0

#536528 - Thursday 3 September 2009 16:13

Why couldn't you check your messages?

By quiddity | 0

#536530 - Thursday 3 September 2009 16:14

Pack fast! =o

By reapfml | 0

#536542 - Thursday 3 September 2009 16:18

what are you doing on fml?
go there now

By anniebananie | 3

#536547 - Thursday 3 September 2009 16:19

Wouldn't there be some sort of written notice involved? Ask for more time because you didn't receive an eviction notice on paper.

By jessicahouse | 0

#536551 - Thursday 3 September 2009 16:20

ahahhahahahahhhhhhahahhhah too badddddddddddddddddddddd

Reply

Afroninja4566 | 21

#5743789 - Wednesday 6 November 2013 0:35

Wow, your an ass

By aback | 4

#536569 - Thursday 3 September 2009 16:23

Looks like you've got a busy day ahead!

Reply

vamidus | 0

#536584 - Thursday 3 September 2009 16:28

#8 is correct. you can get more time to pack. FYL.

also, why is that you couldn't check your voicemail? YDI.

By FireFlie07 | 20

#536570 - Thursday 3 September 2009 16:23

The bank can't evict you as a paying tenant without 30 days notice, show copies of your rent check and your lease to the sheriff in the morning, you can file an emergency injunction and should be allowed to stay for 30 days.

Good luck

By wazdog | 4

#536571 - Thursday 3 September 2009 16:24

Women..