Miscellaneous: Today, I wanted to take a nap after cleaning my apartment, so... - FML

By somnolence - United States - Beaverton

Today, I wanted to take a nap after cleaning my apartment, so I put the trash outside the front door and put a note on the door for my roommate, saying, "Please take the trash out when you leave for work." When I woke up, the note was gone but the trash was still there. FML

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Body issues

Crowded House

QUIET PLEASE

By 3,500 down - United States - Altus

Today, my train departed over 10 minutes early. It was the last train of the day. I missed my transatlantic flight and along with it the vacation and concert I'd spent over a year saving for. FML

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By Marcela - United States

Today, I was taking a shower with my new boyfriend for the first time. Last night was the first night we spent together. As I was washing my hair, I looked down at my feet and noticed yellow water. Some of the warm water I felt on my feet was not from the shower head. FML

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Today, someone sent a dick pic to my 16-year-old, lesbian daughter. She handed me her phone and asked, "What is that, a naked mole rat?" FML

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By SweeT

Today, I tried to pick up two girls by asking them what time it was. They burst out laughing. FML

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By feltuponthe69 - United States

Today, I fell asleep on the bus and when I woke up, I found out that I missed my stop by ten stops and I was on the last bus of the night. And, to make matters worse, a drunk hobo was sitting next to me with a beer in one hand and was rubbing my leg with the other. FML

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By drunkdial - France

Today, I realized that the only time my girlfriend ever calls me is when she's drunk. FML

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By Gbeat411 - United States

Today, I went to boxing and this hot chick asked me if I was wearing a sports cup. I replied yes, when I wasn't. I thought she was going to check with her hand and feel. She checked with her knee. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a first date with a guy I really like. He brought up that there was a person staring at us from a nearby table. That person was my mom. FML

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By NYMTS - Australia

Today, I had to make a deal with my 22 year old fiancé. What was the deal? If he put deodorant on, he could squeeze my boob for as long as he liked. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Slough

Today, after finally getting rid of an extremely rude, abusive customer, I muttered that I could kill people like her. I didn't know my manager had heard me, until a pair of police officers arrived. He'd reported me for "threatening to murder a customer". FML

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By irishbitch

Today, I went to go see my boyfriend of over two years in a play. I knew that he'd be kissing his female opposite at the end of the show and I was okay with that. I snuck into his dressing room at intermission to find him "rehearsing" with her half naked. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2020 08:01

In all my days…

Today, I had somewhat of a nervous breakdown, and poured my heart out to a doctor, who seemed to be well over 60. She looked at me, flabbergasted and said, "I never met anyone with that many problems!" Gee, thanks. FML

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By nopleasestopmother - United States - Lake Mills

Today, my mother asked me why I disliked her and my father's nakedness in the family pool. FML

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By mommysgirlapparently - United States

Today, my mom was on my Facebook and saw a chick leave a nasty comment on my status. My mom commented back something awful and really bitchy. My mom still fights my fights for me. I'm 20. FML

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By Baby Face

Today, I was at work refreshing the shelves when a man turned the corner and said, very surprised, "You look 12!" A few weeks back, two people did the same thing, only they said I looked 9. I'm almost 21 years old, and just very short. Starting to get just a little self conscious here. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw my four-year-old son running around outside, and copying everything our dog was doing. I thought it was cute, so I went to grab the camera. When I went back outside, I saw my dog eating a dead rabbit, and my son doing the same. FML

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By - 17/2/2020 18:00

When karma does its job

Today, I found out the guy whose ass I used to routinely kick in high school is now dating my 19 year-old daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Northampton

Today, my daughter asked me the difference between "their" and "they're". This is the same child I've been spending thousands of dollars on to send to law school. FML

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By quarantine hell - 31/3/2020 17:00

Quid pro quo

Today, I called my sister and asked if she could watch my baby while I went to the store for desperately needed groceries and supplies. She refused, despite the fact that she's randomly dropped off her three rambunctious boys more times than I could count so she could go clubbing. FML

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By Oblivious - United States

Today, I fell off my desk chair. Why? I failed to notice that the screws I'd been finding on the floor around my room for the past few months belonged to said chair. FML

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By firestar772 - United States - Santa Barbara

Great work, son

Today, I went to pick up my 6-year-old son from his friend's house. They were having a great time, and he didn't want to leave. So, while I wasn't looking, he superglued both his hands to their kitchen table. FML

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By Anonymous - this FML is from back in 2012 but it's good stuff - United States

'Tis the season to be jolly, falalala lala la la

Today, my mom hung her new "Christmas Clock" on the wall. It plays a different Christmas carol every hour, on the hour. It's only December 2nd and I'm already starting to understand why suicide rates sky rocket this time of year. FML

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By Peter - United States - Boca Raton

Liar liar, poop on fire

Today, I was working at the restaurant where I wash dishes. Everyone thinks I'm a tech intern. My buddy Go Synco-ed me and so I had to capture whatever I was doing at the moment. I ran to the restroom, took my tee off and took a pic, stating, "I'm at home taking a shower." There was a guy behind me pooping. FML

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By NotAThief - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a store to buy some noodles, but hey were out so I left empty handed. When I left, the store the alarm went off so I was called back in, and they searched my bag. They didn't find any stolen goods. They did find a dead mouse my cat must have left for me, though. FML

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By Ari

Today, my mother-in-law gave me a bottle of champagne for my birthday. This is the third year in a row she has done this. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and she's well aware of that fact. FML

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By Mike

Today, my teenage daughter got her driver’s license. Less than an hour later she wrecked my wife’s new minivan. FML

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By ofcourse - United States

Today, I got a promotion to management at work. My employer decided to give the 'non-management' employees a really nice raise. Which means the job I had before my promotion is now paying more than the job I have now. Did I just get demoted? FML

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By Jennifer Sara Harms

Today, I made a 6-hour trip just to go to the wrong art festival. I have to go back and make the same trip again tomorrow. FML

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By Ashley J. - United States

Today, my family gathered at my 96 year old great-grandmother's surprise birthday party that was my idea. When she walked in, we surprised her so much that she literally had a heart attack. She is now in the hospital. FML

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By Female - Australia - Elsternwick

Today, the police arrived at my door, telling me my child had been caught vandalizing. A boy who looked about 15 hugged me and said, "Hey, mum". I'm only 26 years old and had never seen this boy in my life. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I swerved to avoid running over a dead cat in the road. Instead, I ran over its head. The crack of its skull was loud enough for me to hear it. FML

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By dumbo - United States

Today, my friends had ditched me for a party I hadn't been invited to so I was sitting home alone. The only other thing in my house was the mosquito I nicknamed Fred. I liked to watch Fred fly around and try to suck my blood. 20 minutes later, I found Fred's dead body. I was actually sad. FML

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By ewwww - United States

Today, I discovered that an unmentioned side effect of my new medication is body zits. I now have zits on my neck, my ear, and inside my nose. FML

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By So so close to clean - United States - Warren

Today, with words of encouragement from my mom, I vacuumed my room. After finishing and admiring my job well done, I went to put the vacuum away. It caught on the plug for my electric razor which was dangling below the dresser and yanked that and everything else that was on top of it off. FML

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By Sleep Walking - United States

Today, I found out that after drunkenly falling asleep at a guy's house, I not only slept-walked in his house, but I went upstairs into his parents room. And used their bathroom. I don't remember any of this, but his mom does. FML

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By lextoast - Rwanda

Today, I went on a fabulous date with a really cute, smart, funny guy. He only mentioned his dad, so when I asked about his mom, I asked if they were divorced. She'd died of breast cancer so I felt awful. Then I asked if his dad had ever remarried. His stepmom had died of cancer too. FML

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By itisobviouseinstein - United States - New York

Today, a bible toting evangelist on the street ambushed me and asked me what my religion was. I wear a hijab. FML

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By notnow - United States

Today, minutes before I walked down the aisle at my wedding, my drunk mother stumbled up to me and told me she was depressed and wanted to leave. FML

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By Potato_Lord - United States - Madison

Today, not only did someone steal my bike, they also managed to get wasted and drunkenly ride my stolen bike through my new screened-in front porch, destroying it and the bike. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I baked a chicken pot pie in the oven. I pulled it out, and noticed a big piece of tasty-looking, flaky pastry had come loose. Without thinking I ripped it off and popped it into my mouth. I HEARD the skin on the inside of my cheeks burn. FML

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Top comments

By ElaborateScheme | 14

#6691732 - Sunday 18 September 2016 19:55

Next time if you want to take the trash out just carry your roommate out yourself

By Ainarr | 29

#6691736 - Sunday 18 September 2016 19:56

at least the roommate took themselves out.

COMMENTS

By ElaborateScheme | 14

#6691732 - Sunday 18 September 2016 19:55

Next time if you want to take the trash out just carry your roommate out yourself

By Ainarr | 29

#6691736 - Sunday 18 September 2016 19:56

at least the roommate took themselves out.

By LadyGreenShoes | 8

#6691746 - Sunday 18 September 2016 20:08

sounds like my husband. lol

By watermelon15 | 35

#6691747 - Sunday 18 September 2016 20:09

Well, taking the trash out isn't that hard right? But ya, that's a cheeky roommate hehe

By CrassKal | 27

#6691748 - Sunday 18 September 2016 20:10

I can see that be annoying if they were in a rush. I hate being given extra tasks suddenly when I have somewhere I need to be. Especially if they are "germ conscientious" like myself and feel the need to wash their hands after handling garbage or garbage cans.

Reply

Lalala579121 | 27

#6691870 - Monday 19 September 2016 0:29

I would hope it wouldn't take people being germaphobes to wash their hands after handling garbage.

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awildwhisper | 30

#6691951 - Monday 19 September 2016 3:29

Don't know why #25 is being thumbed down.

By great_nate | 14

#6691749 - Sunday 18 September 2016 20:11

Who made you boss?

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asdr_is_a_king | 5

#6691840 - Sunday 18 September 2016 23:29

It's not like they said they cleaned the whole apartment or anything

By Dr_Awesome654 | 24

#6691750 - Sunday 18 September 2016 20:17

I feel like it would take less energy for you to just walk the extra meter and through it away yourself

Reply

jasmine2301 | 25

#6691987 - Monday 19 September 2016 4:28

throw*...

Reply

Steffi | 26

#6692184 - Monday 19 September 2016 10:46

I'm guessing they live on a high floor.

By Gameoftheombosis | 6

#6691755 - Sunday 18 September 2016 20:27

Next time just do it yourself. Not really an fml kind of scenario.

By neuronerd | 28

#6691756 - Sunday 18 September 2016 20:27

Or you could take it out yourself. My old roommate used to leave bags of trash for me to take out, and it would get very annoying. Granted, she also never cleaned the apartment.

By Skinyrd | 17

#6691757 - Sunday 18 September 2016 20:31

Liberal Oregon