Today, I walked out the back door of my place of employment and... - FML

By unemployed - 11/7/2016 19:09 - United States - Modesto

Today, I walked out the back door of my place of employment and looked down to see a huge cockroach. This is quite a normal occurrence, so I thought nothing of it until I realized it was struggling to drag the corpse of one of its friends into the building. FML

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Boozehound alert

Oh, he's a "Nice Guy"

A beautiful truck decoration

By Why me? - 5/3/2016 05:22 - United States - Wilmington

Today, some guys came up to me at work so they could meet me in person after talking to me on Tinder. I don't have a Tinder account, though, and I have no idea who is doing this. FML

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By anonymous - 26/3/2015 03:43 - United States

Today, I slept through my alarm because it was drowned out by humming. My humming, in my sleep. Even my body is against me waking up on time. FML

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By trackgurl - 21/2/2009 02:37 - United States

Today, I went to get my blood drawn for the first time. After I explained to the nurse how nervous I was, she replied, "Oh honey, don't worry! This is my first time too!" FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2011 05:44 - United States

Today, I started petting my cousin's Doberman. Now, whenever I stop he growls menacingly. FML

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By cunting cuntface of a boss - 25/2/2014 20:42 - Australia

Today, I had to proofread a document my boss had written. When I pointed out that he spelled "college" as "collage" multiple times, he angrily accused me of trying to make him look stupid. This is the guy who constantly boasts about his "genius" IQ level to the whole office. FML

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By Arielle - 31/1/2012 11:07 - Australia

Today, I went to the hospital emergency room to visit my boyfriend who had badly sliced his leg open. It ended with me being admitted with a possible head trauma, after hitting my head on the wall and floor as I collapsed at the sight of his wound. FML

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By anon - 4/12/2009 10:35 - Australia

Today, I got a birthday card in the mail from my aunt. I got all excited when I saw a cheque inside, but the cheque was addressed to the wrong name. Not only did my own aunt forget my name, I couldn't even bank the $60. FML

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By toyotasmash - 7/10/2010 23:37 - United States

Today, my sister and I got into an argument at a tennis court which ended up with her trying to run me over in the parking lot. I stepped to the side and hit her door, denting it. My parents expect me to pay for the damage caused by my sister trying to kill me. FML

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By Thanks guys - 26/11/2013 05:21 - United States - Richmond

Today, I logged onto Facebook to see one of my "friends" had used my account to post a coming-out story. It had comments on it such as "I knew it!" "Finally." and "That explains so much." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2017 12:00 - United States

Today, while e-mailing my dream college, I noticed you can see other people's profile pictures when I saw a lady I've met before. I've been using this e-mail account to communicate with all the colleges and universities. My profile picture is baby Elmo. FML

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By mastel07 - 10/12/2014 12:59 - United Kingdom - Stevenage

Today, I found a very light blonde long hair on my marital bed's pillow. I confronted my husband about it and after hours of arguments and me throwing his stuff out of the house, I found another. Attached to my head. My husband isn't having an affair, I'm just going grey. FML

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By maggotsinmycarpet - 12/7/2010 20:56 - United States

Today, I was cleaning my room when I found a nice surprise from my cat. While I was on vacation, she killed a mouse. By the time I found it, there were maggots crawling in my carpet. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/6/2014 23:38 - Canada - Dartmouth

Today, my boyfriend informed me of how I had really hurt his feelings. Apparently, not wanting to be sent a photo of his poop is hurtful. FML

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By jerrid - 21/2/2010 18:05 - United States

Today, a drunk man opened the unlocked door to my house thinking it was his house. He tried to attack me because he thought I was a burglar. FML

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By rosecolas - 12/11/2016 13:36 - United States - Falls Church

Today, I was given a building key that students aren't supposed to have because they'll lose it. I told my coach I wouldn't lose the key. The same key disappeared not even 20 minutes later without a trace. I still can't find it, and it's been an hour. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2020 14:05

Pushover

Today, my in-laws invited themselves to stay at my house for a few days. They live out of state and have been self-quarantining for months. The reason for visiting? So they can throw a party for extended family at our house. Guess who'll end up doing all the work and clean up? FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2015 03:17 - Canada

Today, I drove 3 hours to surprise my girlfriend, who I hadn't seen in 3 weeks. When she opened the door, she gasped, told me to fuck off and slammed the door in my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2010 08:01 - Mexico

Today, I was walking with and hugging my girlfriend at the same time. I tried to be funny and touched her breast, saying "Boob" in a silly voice. In reply, she slapped me in the crotch, saying "Dick" in the same voice. FML

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By hakuna_matata - 31/12/2016 02:41 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after I told her that I'd never watched The Lion King. FML

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By thanksfyi - 2/7/2011 21:51 - Norway

Today, I found out via Facebook that my brother got engaged several days ago. Not only did he not tell me, but we live in the same house. FML

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By 4themoneh - 5/4/2011 05:10 - United States

Today, I arrived twenty minutes early for my opening shift at work, so I decided to turn on the radio and wait in my nice warm car. I woke up two hours later with twelve missed calls from my boss and a dead car battery. FML

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By Wronged - 21/9/2009 10:53 - Singapore

Today, my girlfriend decided to break up with me because she found a bra in my cupboard. It was hers. FML

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By Arlbethere - 25/2/2011 12:18 - United Kingdom

Today, I attended the wrong funeral. I spent twenty minutes trying to hide and walk away without being too conspicuous. FML

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By interviewed - 16/9/2009 10:37 - United States

Today, I went to an interview for a job I really wanted and am qualified for. I've been looking for months. This job was perfect; close to home and great pay. Needless to say I spent quite a while preparing. Everything was going great until I had to sneeze, which forced out a loud, long fart. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 14:08

Ungrateful

Today, my three-year-old told me he hates me cause I’m mean because I wouldn’t give him another cupcake. Now he is calling his grandma his new mommy. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2019 00:17

Today, after I got pregnant 22 years ago and my husband became way too overprotective to the point where he became a right pain in the ass, I’m now accidentally pregnant again. It turns out my now 22-year-old son is almost as bad as his dad was. Now I’ve got two of the sods to deal with. FML

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By PlzSendBlankets - 27/6/2016 02:00 - United States

Today, marks three days since I was supposed to follow the moving truck to my new home. Instead, I got super sick and my dad drove away without me. I've been laying on a dog cushion the entire weekend because my bed is 500 miles away. FML

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By McFuckYouTooCunt - 11/6/2015 13:44 - Australia - Bellevue Hill

Today, a customer yelled, "I'll bash your fuckin' face in, cunt" at me at 9:30am because we don't serve the lunch menu at breakfast time. Yes, the 15-year-old girl in high school is responsible for McDonald's entire menu. FML

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By MeAgainDr... - 13/11/2015 05:24 - Australia - South Perth

Today, I finally got to a point where I could ask my mother about how enthusiastically she used to beat me. First sentence out of her mouth was, "It didn't change your behaviour, but it did make me feel better." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2016 06:34

Today, I was talking to my mother when we both heard a continuous buzzing noise. Unable to locate the source of the noise we gave up. About an hour later, my mother yells down the stairs to me. Turns out my dog stole my vibrator, chewed it and presented it to my mother. FML

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By anon - 12/4/2015 10:33 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my 16 year old daughter convinced her little sister that I am a robot. Now every time I try to talk to her she starts crying. FML

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By Hannah - 4/3/2012 20:46 - United States

Today, I faced down the Godzilla of all spiders. I smashed the goddamned holy shit out of it. Trying to impress my cute new roommate, I scooped up the remains and showed him. It was his pet tarantula. FML

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By Wellpoo - 2/1/2018 19:00

Today, I started 2018 with a bad case of food poisoning. Not exactly the new year cleanse I was hoping for. FML

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By cancerfreak - 21/3/2009 02:39 - United States

Today, my town had a carnival to raise money for cancer. I ran a kissing booth, when a really cute guy came up paid his $20, looked at me, and said "not even for cancer." He took his money and left. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2009 02:09 - United States

Today, I saw a my neighbor being mugged on the street. I wanted to help, so I tried to yank her purse from the mugger's hands. I guess my neighbor didn't see me clearly, because she thought I was another mugger and kicked my directly in the happy sacks. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2015 13:29 - United States - Fairmont

Today, I found out that while my sister can somehow manage to keep an eye on and control her three preschool-aged children at the park, making sure nobody steals my dog from right beside her is just too big of a job. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2015 20:55 - Australia - Caroline Springs

Today, for the first time in my life, a girl showed interest in me. She sent me a text message saying she wanted to come over and fuck my brains out. This would've made me the happiest guy alive, if only she weren't my extremely drunk sister. FML

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By depressedpreggo - 18/11/2012 11:00 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, I was grocery shopping. When I turned around I noticed a group of teens passing by laughing. I didn't think anything of it until I got to my cart. The losers had left a pack of Slim Fast in my cart. I'm pregnant. FML

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By vat - 25/2/2013 08:33 - Hong Kong

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she could not stand the thought of being in a relationship with a man who wears orange. This is the first time I've worn an orange shirt in at least 6 months. FML

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By mylifesucks - 2/12/2009 01:32 - United States

Today, I found out that my 2 week Christmas vacation my boss was talking about wasn't for this year, but 2010. I spent the day with my husband cancelling flights to Florida, and explaning to my 8 year old why we were not going to Disney World. FML

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Top comments

By queenariii | 22

#6648207 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 9:01

Well, did you help him out? At least hold the door open.

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6648201 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 8:51

Do you work at a roach motel?

COMMENTS

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#6648191 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 8:46

I hear that roaches often feed off of other dead roaches. For a feast maybe?

By crossl16 | 22

#6648194 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 8:47

You should live up to your username haha

Reply

The12thPaladin | 8

#6648577 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 20:00

So OP should give up their job because of a cockroach?

Reply

Amama_fml | 30

#6648672 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 22:42

25, CORRECTION: Two cockroaches

By obvious_lee | 9

#6648196 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 8:48

This would be perfect if you were a veterinarian.

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6648201 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 8:51

Do you work at a roach motel?

By Raxy_fml | 18

#6648203 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 8:53

friendship goals ?

By TheNewGuy03 | 28

#6648205 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 8:57

It's Joe's Apartment all over again

Reply

MetalxSoldier | 26

#6648222 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 9:19

For those of you who don't know what he's talking about, "Joe's Apartment" was an old MTV comedy movie about a guy who moved to New York and had an apartment infested with talking cockroaches who he becomes friends with.

Reply

TheNewGuy03 | 28

#6648370 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 14:24

Appreciate the backup and clarification.

Reply

Colon_Man | 17

#6648455 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 16:40

Oh my god, are we old enough that kids today need to be told of our ancient stories?

NNNNOOOOO!!!

By queenariii | 22

#6648207 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 9:01

Well, did you help him out? At least hold the door open.

Reply

mazor | 22

#6648870 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 4:51

Hodor also held the door and look what happened to him.

By Catdragon | 40

#6648213 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 9:09

Damn, a cockroach can carry his fallen buddy and I can't even get a text back

By G6Fari | 18

#6648214 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 9:14

They were just looking for a job too man

By MegasaurusRex89 | 28

#6648215 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 9:15

The beginning of a complex society... The roach uprising begins.