Work: Today, I walked out the back door of my place of employment and... - FML

By unemployed - United States - Modesto

Today, I walked out the back door of my place of employment and looked down to see a huge cockroach. This is quite a normal occurrence, so I thought nothing of it until I realized it was struggling to drag the corpse of one of its friends into the building. FML

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Instadrama

Gas giant

Get the message, dude

By dad - United States

Today, my daughter had just left for a date with her boyfriend. All of a sudden, she runs back in the house screaming "I forgot to take my birth control!" That is not something a father wants to hear. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Blacksburg

Today, my elderly neighbour told me why my other neighbours don't talk to me. I'm a massage/physical therapist and treat clients, mostly athletes, in my home. My neighbours saw the steady stream of young, buff guys coming to my house and concluded that I'm a gay prostitute. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lancaster

Today, I was reading erotic literature and noticed several errors in syntax, resulting in my mood being killed. I was cockblocked by my need for grammatical correctness. FML

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By No thank you - United States - Columbus

Today, I'm here to inform men that, "If I fucked you, I wouldn't pull out" is not an effective pick up line. Ever. Especially on a coworker. FML

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By Pwnedofthedead - Canada

Today, I was walking to my friends Halloween themed birthday party in my zombie costume. Apparently, my crazy coke addicted neighbor found the costume too realistic. He tackled me. FML

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By caughtontape - United States

Today, my school handed out the new yearbook. I was so excited to be on the cover page in a group shot with all my friends until I realized that I was having a boner at the time the pic was taken. These books go out to the whole school. Everyone noticed. FML

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By Anonymous - Egypt

Today, I woke up, patted my dog and kissed his nose. He was dead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lakewood

Today, my brother paid the DJ $300 to ruin my wedding by playing the Imperial Death March as I walked down the aisle. FML

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By danny5191 - United Kingdom

Today, I had a nasty cough, but I went to college anyway. When I walked into class, I could practically smell menstrual blood in the air. After a few coughs, our instructor gave me an "Oh, shut up!" After half an hour, she kicked me out for not "taking the class seriously". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom put a candle on in the living room. She told the family "how much she loved it!" My mom then went on the tell us that my dad got it for her and it must have been some cheap candle. I bought the candle as a gift for her on her birthday. Thanks mom. FML

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By samikai523 - United States

Today, my sister told me she didn’t want me in her wedding pictures because I looked fat in my bridesmaid's dress. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, it's only been a week since I've been in my new apartment with my boyfriend, and I already caught him cheating. FML

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By devil neighbours - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I'm living in a house share with a passive-aggressive middle-aged couple who leave rude notes around the house and yet pretend I don't exist when they happen to be in the same room as me. I'm in no position to get rid of them or move myself. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after a nap, I went to scratch my eye and felt what I presumed to be a clump of mascara on my eyelash. I didn't wear mascara today. It was a tick. FML

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By carriageway - United States - Newport News

After sleepover

Today, I was at a sleepover for a friend's birthday. It was great, but after sleeping on their pull out couch, I woke up with six pimples on my face and a rash on my back. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Moreland

Today, my future mother-in-law told me she thought I was severely allergic to cigarette smoke. That hasn't stopped her from chain-smoking around me for the last 3 years. FML

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By Damn - Australia

Today, I noticed my nephew has blue eyes, freckles and dimples which don't run in my family or my sister's husband's family, but they do run in my husband's family. FML

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By cuppincake - Australia

Today, I decided to tell my husband our marriage was over after I found out that he'd not only been stealing from me, but he'd also been downloading child porn. He then asked if we could break up but live in the same house so I could help pay his bills. FML

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By Marcella_03 - United Kingdom

Today, my family and I noticed that our Christmas tree had been stolen from our front garden. Last night, a group of girls from my village posted a status on Facebook stating how drunk they were, and how they had stolen a Christmas tree. I "liked" it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wauseon

Today, a police officer stopped me and told me he got an anonymous tip that I was going to kill myself. I wasnt. Protocol says he had to bring me straight to a hospital where I explained that someone was messing with me. nobody listened. Now I have a hospital bill for $2,250. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2021 07:56

Oh, the irony

Today, my dad came home after collecting donations for construction of the temple of Lord Rama, who is known for qualities like patience. Within 5 minutes, he started yelling at my sister. FML

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By Username

Today, a woman laughed after hearing my voice for the first time. This happens whenever I meet someone new, without fail. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I bought a UV light so I could detect cat pee, since I was sure my cat was relieving herself on the carpet. I decided to try it out in the living room first. Nearly half the room lit up like a Christmas tree. FML

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By kaytay2469 - United States

Today, while I was working at child care, I told a two year old not to hit. He threw a bucket at me that bounced off my forehead. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my sister brought her class hamster home from school. Somehow it escaped from its cage, and ran into my room. My boyfriend, thinking it was a mouse, stomped on it. I'm stuck cleaning hamster guts from my carpet, and explaining to a kindergarten class what happened to their pet. FML

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By Pandy1031 - United States - Crofton

Today, as I was shampooing my hair in the shower, the power went out. Since my house has well water, no power means no water. FML

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By Crystal_Nicole - United States - Wichita

Today, my dog played dead just so I would leave him alone. FML

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By Meh - United States

Today, two days before my birthday, my parents drove three hours to visit me at school and take me out to lunch. I assumed that it was to celebrate my birthday. They told me they are getting divorced. FML

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By stephhh055 - United States - Portland

Valid reason

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend for the first time, he told me he wanted to break up. He told me my orgasm face wasn't something he could put up with. FML

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By Miscellaneous - United Kingdom

Today, I went in for an interview with a firm where I'd done some interning before. After shaking hands with both the directors, I went to shake hands with one of the director's wives, who also works there. Turns out she was going for a hug and kiss on the cheek. I ended up kissing her on the lips. FML

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By lance - Canada

Today, I parked my car to go inside to grab my wallet than I'd forgotten. In the short time it took me to do that, someone broke two of my car's windows. FML

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By AloneAtPerkins - 18/11/2020 13:02 - United States - West Bend

Tree trunks

Today, I shaved my legs. It's been so long since I've shaved that my razor broke. FML

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By I keep failing it all - Lithuania - Vilnius

Today, my dad found the Father's Day present that I spent at least ten hours preparing and decorating. I'd expected him to be extremely happy about this lovely gift. His only reaction was to ask if he could exchange it for something else. FML

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By Marleck - United States

Today, the girl I love told me she was sick of guys. I replied that I happened to be a guy. She laughed and said "No, I mean the boyfriend type!" FML

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By ClumsyKatey

Today, due to an incident with the dishwasher, a coatrack and my bathrobe, I ended up locked out of my house naked as a jaybird. I had to hide in the backyard for several hours until my family got home from their various activities to get back in. They still haven't stopped laughing at me. FML

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By Youalreadyknowmyname - United States - Jeffersonville

Today, a guy asked me my name and I told him it's Holly. He then asked if I was "real or a Holligram?" Apparently, The Office is the best, and only place to get pick up lines. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2020 05:01

Ideal first date

Today, I went on a date where the guy got drunk off 11 White Claws, I got 18 ant bites (yes, I counted), stung by a yellow jacket, and lost both pairs of our shoes. He told me he was going to a strip club after, messed up my name 3 times and didn’t pay for anything. FML

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By Urgghh - United Kingdom - London

Today, I got a mosquito bite on my chest. Due to a severe allergic reaction it has swollen my left breast a cup size. The first thing my boyfriend said was, "Hey look! I can finally see one of them." FML

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By Stairs? Noooooo - United States - San Leandro

Today, I was signing with my deaf brother at a local McDonald's. We were having a laugh about a game we played last night when this morbidly obese woman waddled over to us. She was utterly convinced we were "talking shit" about her and made a scene about our "hand gestures." Seriously? FML

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By Disproportionate

Bent

Today, I noticed that the glasses I got this week seemed off balance. A further inspection showed that one of my ears is bigger than the other. Through even further inspection, my family concluded that the entire right side of my body is higher than my left. FML

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Top comments

By queenariii | 22

#6648207 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 9:01

Well, did you help him out? At least hold the door open.

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6648201 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 8:51

Do you work at a roach motel?

COMMENTS

By NostalgiaFreak9 | 40

#6648191 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 8:46

I hear that roaches often feed off of other dead roaches. For a feast maybe?

By crossl16 | 22

#6648194 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 8:47

You should live up to your username haha

Reply

The12thPaladin | 8

#6648577 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 20:00

So OP should give up their job because of a cockroach?

Reply

Amama_fml | 30

#6648672 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 22:42

25, CORRECTION: Two cockroaches

By obvious_lee | 9

#6648196 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 8:48

This would be perfect if you were a veterinarian.

By StormfrontX33_fml | 24

#6648201 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 8:51

Do you work at a roach motel?

By Raxy_fml | 18

#6648203 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 8:53

friendship goals ?

By TheNewGuy03 | 28

#6648205 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 8:57

It's Joe's Apartment all over again

Reply

MetalxSoldier | 26

#6648222 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 9:19

For those of you who don't know what he's talking about, "Joe's Apartment" was an old MTV comedy movie about a guy who moved to New York and had an apartment infested with talking cockroaches who he becomes friends with.

Reply

TheNewGuy03 | 28

#6648370 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 14:24

Appreciate the backup and clarification.

Reply

Colon_Man | 17

#6648455 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 16:40

Oh my god, are we old enough that kids today need to be told of our ancient stories?

NNNNOOOOO!!!

By queenariii | 22

#6648207 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 9:01

Well, did you help him out? At least hold the door open.

Reply

mazor | 22

#6648870 - Wednesday 13 July 2016 4:51

Hodor also held the door and look what happened to him.

By Catdragon | 40

#6648213 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 9:09

Damn, a cockroach can carry his fallen buddy and I can't even get a text back

By G6Fari | 18

#6648214 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 9:14

They were just looking for a job too man

By MegasaurusRex89 | 28

#6648215 - Tuesday 12 July 2016 9:15

The beginning of a complex society... The roach uprising begins.