Work: Today, I walked into work, after having given my boss a weather... - FML

By johnnyfuckfacer - Canada - Concord

Today, I walked into work, after having given my boss a weather prediction last week, so he could decide on which day to open a new company division. I was immediately taken aside and written up for "providing false information, adversley impacting morale". FML

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BO Central

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Billy no-mates

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I moved into my new house. The previous occupants failed to tell me that they'd recently kicked out their crazy crackhead son, who seems to think they've paid me to pretend that they've moved out and that I'm the new owner. He wants back in. FML

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By leeseyxoxo - United States

Today, I learned, 15 years later, that my puppy from when I was 4, was not taken by Santa because he was in need of a reindeer. My parents took him to the shelter because they thought he was ugly. FML

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By takinabreak - United States

Today, I was taking a shower and I saw a new body wash that said "radiance ribbons." That sounded a little effeminate, but it smelled manly enough and the only alternative was normal soap, so I used it. Just now, I stepped out into the sun and found out what "radiance ribbons" means. I sparkle. FML

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By goin4broke - United States

Today, my parents came to the restaurant I work at as a waiter. After, I picked up the check to realize they had left me a $500 tip! We split the tips among the employees so I only got $50 back but I was still psyched. When I got home they asked me if I had noticed that they used my credit card. FML

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By Toilettrash - United States

Today, I was brutally dumped over webcam, by my boyfriend, who was taking a dump with the laptop on his lap. FML

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By anime_love - United States

Today, I was waiting for my boyfriend who evidently stood me up. I waited so long, the security came up and asked me to leave, because I was scaring the staff. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend went down on me for the first time. Just as I was reaching climax my brother raced into the bathroom right next to my door and began to vomit extremely loudly. FML

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By Anonymous

Chocolate chip

Today, I was eating chocolate chip cookies around the house and saw a chocolate chip on the floor. Not wanting my dog to eat it, given that chocolate is poisonous for dogs, I swiped it up with my finger and put it to my mouth. It was then that I realized it was a stub of my dog's poop. FML

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By AllyCat - United States

Today, was my graduation party. My birthday was about a week ago so my parents combined the presents. I thought it would be something big so I hinted for a new TV. I got a snuggie. FML

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By helpme - United States - Annapolis

Today, I started dreaming about being at work. I already work more hours a week than I requested, and I live right across from my work and can see it out my window. I can never leave. FML

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By A.Summers - United Kingdom - Glasgow

Today, my parents surprised me by redecorating my room. I think they were more surprised by the box of naughty toys under my bed. FML

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By 3sacrowd - Canada

Today, while I was in the middle of making love with my boyfriend, I mentioned bringing another lady in the picture to spice it up. He looked at me and said "let's ask your sister." He then got dressed and called her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, because of the gas crisis in my state, we had to stop taking delivers at the pizza place I work at. Someone asked if we could walk it to them. My manager agreed. FML

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By jayswizzle89 - Canada - Etobicoke

Today, I was having coffee with an old friend I hadn't seen since university. I asked about her husband; she replied, "he died" and walked away. I was confused, so I stood up and took off after her. She reminded me I was at the funeral, and then slapped me in the face. FML

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By HatedGrandson - United States

Today, I visited my grandparents' house. While getting a drink from the fridge, I noticed the Christmas card my family sent them had my face scratched out. When I confronted them about it, they said it was the cat. They don't have a cat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got mugged at Disney World, the happiest place on Earth. FML

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By anomynous - 3/12/2020 11:01

Jingle bells

Today, I woke up with my period. At least I'm getting into the Christmas spirit with red and green shorts, right? FML

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By fmmlll - United States

Today, I'm going on an 8 hour drive with my insane family. This usually means screaming arguments, graphic conversations about my dad's pubes, some karaoke, plenty of farting, some stale Pringles, and an obese golden retriever on my lap the entire time. Arizona, here we come. FML

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By Vanessa8221 - United States - Rockaway Park

Today, I gave a sexual harassment seminar, explaining how important it is to not do anything that makes co-workers uncomfortable. Someone joked, "Like telling you your fly is open?" I tried to zip up, but it got caught on my underwear. There were 20 minutes left in the program. FML

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By Emily - United States - Arlington

Today, my boyfriend of four years broke up with me by writing on my bathroom mirror in Sharpie. What did he write? "Hi, I'm Emily. I'm fat, ugly, and now single." FML

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By Will - United States

Today, my roommate drew a giant red penis and scrotum on our refrigerator, using what he thought was a dry erase marker. It was a permanent marker. I just renewed my lease. I get to look at a red penis every day for the next year and a half. FML

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By madamefuxalittle - United States - Stratford

Today, an elderly lady sat next to me on a bench, and started telling me out of the blue about how bad it is to have saggy boobs. I was uncomfortable enough at the unwanted info, without her then looking at my chest and adding, "But I expect you already know that, dear." FML

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By kenzieeeee - United States

Today, I got stuck in a blizzard. My mother never picked me up like she was supposed to, and wasn't answering her phone. After walking around for a half hour, freezing, I finally found her. Where was she? Sitting in Pizza Hut, having a great time. FML

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By sucks - United States

Today, I decided to tell my mom about my choice to wait to have sex until after marriage. Coming from a very christian family I thought she would be proud. Instead she laughed and said, "is that your excuse for not being able to get laid?" and walked out of the room. FML

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By WasntWorthIt - United States - Concord

Today, my husband thought it would be romantic to pick me up and fall on the bed with me while we were kissing. Our faces smashed together as we hit the bed, and my tongue is still bleeding on and off. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, it wasn't until I heard something fly off the roof of my car and hit the trunk, then asphalt, that I remembered where I left my phone while unlocking the car door. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I had to follow a diversion route home due to roadworks. It took me an hour longer than usual to get home. Too bad it turns out that the diversion was only for traffic, not people walking. FML

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By God,NotAgain,Please - Pakistan - Karachi

Today, I re-sat an expensive exam I'd flunked 6 months previously. The same impossible multiple choice questions appeared, which I'd been unable to find the answers to, even with all my textbooks and the internet. FML

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By Randomspaghetti - United States - Lehi

Today, a cute guy complimented me on my legs. I, being the awkward person that I am, panicked and replied, "Thanks, I grew them myself." FML

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By Lord_Nick - Canada - Qu?bec

Today, while I was taking a shit, a guy went into the next stall and narrated what he was doing in song. I'm still traumatized by his lyrics. FML

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By retail hell - United States - Waterbury

Today, a customer berated me and told me to stop whining because I have to work on the weekend. What did I do to deserve this? I said, "Hi, how are you doing today?" FML

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By rahrahcakes - Australia - Brisbane

Today, my mum cleaned my room. When I got home she yelled at me for having condoms. I'm 24 years old and in a long term relationship. FML

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By KittKatt - United States - Lehighton

Today, my brother changed my Google+ name without asking. He has done this before and I fixed it by just changing it back. Turns out Google has a 3-time limit per year for how many times you can change your name. Now I'm stuck with "Poop" for my YouTube name for a year. FML

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By BellinaNico - United States - Mcdonough

Today, I called my fiancé just to tell him how much I love him, as a sweet gesture. He yelled at me for interrupting his video game and blamed my "neediness" on the fact that I'm menstruating. FML

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By Bad Cat

Today, I saw my cat playing in the other room. Fascinated, I watched him for a few minutes before I realized he was playing with one of my daughter's fish. Well, what was left of it. FML

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By whoops - United States - Huntingdon

Today, I admitted to my girlfriend that I had cheated on her. She didn't tell or get mad, oh no. She looked at me for a few seconds then burst out laughing and called me a liar. FML

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By JoeyDizz - United States

Today, while masturbating at the computer, I was interrupted by a flash of light out of the corner of my eye. As I turned to face it, I realized I forgot to close the blinds. Standing at the window in the appartment across the street were two girls, one had a camera and was snapping a second shot. FML

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By cunts, cunts everywhere - Australia

Today, my brother yelled at me, calling me a "no-good fucking whore", because I couldn't fix his laptop. The same laptop he threw on the floor after screaming "FUCKING HEAL MEEE!" at his game. As ever, my parents took his side, refusing to believe that I can't fix a cracked monitor. FML

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By ccc - United States

Today, a cab driver had to sign me out of the emergency room because I didn't know who else to call. FML

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By 3firedepos

Lovely

Today, I walked outside and was so happy about the return of smell of campfires and summer time. I now realize that the campfire smell was a house burning down in my neighborhood. FML

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Top comments

By Major_Whupass | 3

#5057571 - Friday 19 October 2012 2:21

How's the weather Ollie?
It's raining sideways!

By lilhellian | 26

#5057729 - Friday 19 October 2012 2:45

congress

COMMENTS

By Major_Whupass | 3

#5057571 - Friday 19 October 2012 2:21

How's the weather Ollie?
It's raining sideways!

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#5057630 - Friday 19 October 2012 2:28

Sounds tough, would you like anything?
SOUP!
Ok, what kind?
CHUNKY!

Reply

AH1Zviper | 15

#5057788 - Friday 19 October 2012 3:02

And now for traffic. Whats the traffic look like Ollie? EVERYBODY LOOKS LIKE ANTS!!!

Reply

Futacy | 29

#5057960 - Friday 19 October 2012 3:55

So you see? You don't have to be intelligent or talented to be successful, just look at OP's boss.

Reply

Hershey903 | 5

#5057991 - Friday 19 October 2012 3:59

What are you doin to beat the heat Ollie?
SWIMMIN' HOLE!!

Reply

EnigmaThe321 | 12

#5058079 - Friday 19 October 2012 4:31

Hmm, thread jacking again are we?

Reply

Tdrizzzzzly | 19

#5058264 - Friday 19 October 2012 6:28

What's the weather looking like later Ollie?
IT'S GON' RAIN!!

Reply

BeaterOfTheDrums | 15

#5058335 - Friday 19 October 2012 8:07

And here to give us a first look at the planes landing is Ollie Williams, Ollie?

I'M AT THE WRONG AIRPORT!

Reply

thefreelove | 9

#5058353 - Friday 19 October 2012 8:41

Marijuana is now legal.. It's lee-legal. How's the weather looking Ollie?
"Not too bad.."

By krad204 | 21

#5057573 - Friday 19 October 2012 2:22

Your boss is a complete idiot.

Reply

biggestfan23 | 11

#5057671 - Friday 19 October 2012 2:33

And yet he is a boss. What a world we live in

Reply

HowAreYouToday | 34

#5057842 - Friday 19 October 2012 3:20

Your boss is a *sadistic genius

Reply

PipingMouse | 14

#5058133 - Friday 19 October 2012 4:49

No, no variation of this comment is correct.
OP's boss is a complete idiot. No if,ands, or buts about it lol :P

Reply

Carmstro | 13

#5058296 - Friday 19 October 2012 7:01

Or, the boss was making his own prediction- that OP was GOING to provide false information. Maybe the boss just saved the world.

That or yes, he's dumb.

Reply

yorkiebar93 | 9

#5064371 - Sunday 21 October 2012 5:05

IiiiiííííiíiiiIiíIiiiiiiiiiiii

Reply

FATTY_MCDOOGLE | 29

#5068610 - Monday 22 October 2012 20:55

It's how it usually happens.

By KrazieKleo | 13

#5057576 - Friday 19 October 2012 2:22

Sometimes I question people who are in charge. Is he missing a chromosome or two??

Reply

domking1315 | 20

#5057680 - Friday 19 October 2012 2:35

We might be hitting three at this level...

Reply

McNerdyNerd | 8

#5058224 - Friday 19 October 2012 5:37

Actually..if you are both trying to be dicks and make fun of mentally challenged people...that would be one EXTRA chromosome..so...good luck with that insulting.

Reply

JellyBalls | 18

#5058321 - Friday 19 October 2012 7:40

^ Yes we all hate "Mentally Retarded" people. But did anyone else see sarcasm fly by while reading the comment above?

By Crazynopantsman | 11

#5057582 - Friday 19 October 2012 2:24

Does he not know the definition of prediction?

By brandon3747 | 16

#5057588 - Friday 19 October 2012 2:24

Wow now that's stupid

By wyattshack | 4

#5057598 - Friday 19 October 2012 2:25

I like your username op :D

Reply

enchi999 | 8

#5057636 - Friday 19 October 2012 2:29

Thank you for your comment related to the FML post.

Reply

hatesfate | 6

#5057764 - Friday 19 October 2012 2:58

Thank you for your comment in relation to a comment in relation to an FML post

Reply

MissMae93 | 23

#5057875 - Friday 19 October 2012 3:29

13 - Thank you for making yourself look like a total ass.

By dominic1221 | 6

#5057602 - Friday 19 October 2012 2:26

Sorry OP, I had sympathy for you but your username robbed me of it all.

Reply

Metallica36176 | 16

#5058416 - Friday 19 October 2012 9:19

Why?

By secretsymbiote21 | 5

#5057612 - Friday 19 October 2012 2:27

maybe he should just watch the news to avoid problems.

By KalCountry76 | 11

#5057616 - Friday 19 October 2012 2:27

It's not your fault. Your boss obviously lacks a functioning brain.

Reply

unicornoats | 5

#5057626 - Friday 19 October 2012 2:28

What a TARD!

By florido_fml | 10

#5057623 - Friday 19 October 2012 2:28

Do better!

Reply

lacespace | 8

#5057659 - Friday 19 October 2012 2:31

Ya! Way to be a dumbass. Clearly if the weatherman himself can't 100% predict it and your boss can't look it up his damn self you're a complete moron for not being correct. Fool.

Reply

florido_fml | 10

#5057676 - Friday 19 October 2012 2:34

How about you jump in space and kill youself, no one is talking to you.

Reply

idealTHC | 7

#5057701 - Friday 19 October 2012 2:40

Wow i cant belive a jesus freak would tell someone to kill themselfs... What a world.