Today, I walked in on my mom giving my dad head. Acting like...

By bkay26 - 29/8/2010 15:37 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom giving my dad head. Acting like I hadn't seen anything, I asked if I could use a towel sitting on the dresser. My mom said, "No, we're going to need that one." FML

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Intimacy

Rock, hard place

In my day…

Don't you know that you're toxic?

By brittbrat4 - 13/8/2011 06:51 - United States

Today, I was teasing my 12 year old little cousin about him liking my best friend. I guess it made him mad because he yelled "Breast cancer!" at the top of his lungs before power-punching my right boob. FML

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By ew - 11/8/2013 13:09 - United States - Titusville

Today, someone told me that my initials really fit my personality. I took it as a strange compliment, until I realized my initials spell "ew". FML

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By Anonymous - 24/8/2018 14:30

Today, I was told I don't qualify for disability benefits because I'm too young. I get this answer each time I apply, no matter how many lawyers and doctors I get. My mobility is so bad I've become wheelchair-bound and need assistance to bathe. How much worse do they want me to get? FML

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By my teeth! - 24/7/2020 14:07

Like riding a bike

Today, my sister and I were trying to teach our kids how to Double Dutch. While giving a demonstration of how to jump in while the ropes were turning, my feet got jumbled. I ended up faceplanting in front of all the kids, who screamed in horror at my bloodied face and missing tooth. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/10/2010 23:17 - United States

Today, I was in lying in bed with my boyfriend while he was asleep. He is going to school to be a doctor, and it appears that he says anatomical terms while asleep. My boyfriend can make me feel stupid in his sleep. FML

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By bs_happens - 11/1/2010 15:28 - United States

Today, I found out that a water pipe at my work had burst over the weekend. There is absolutely no water in the building, including the bathrooms. It's a 9 hour day, and I took a laxative this morning before I came in. FML

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By LikeAndreTheGiant - 13/2/2017 22:00 - United States

Today, I noticed my doctor has freakishly huge hands. This normally wouldn't have bothered me were I not there for a prostate exam. FML

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By mjperfetti84 - 22/11/2009 13:53 - United States

Today, I helped an old man with his groceries, because he was struggling and he had a cane. After, I was nice enough to drive him home. He went to thank me by giving me a kiss on the cheek. Then he stuck his tongue out, and tried to French kiss me. FML

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By zAstonish - 28/11/2019 14:00 - Singapore - Singapore

Porn, comment

Today, I realized that my brother is one of those people who comment on porn. I found out about it because he commented on my video. FML

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By Jules - 21/2/2011 07:59 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me over the phone. He said I look too ugly when I cry to do it seriously in person. FML

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By mymidlifecrisis - 8/9/2016 04:53 - United States - Valley Village

Today, after years in a relationship I realized that my partner does not like the music I listen to, the food I cook, the pictures I take, the way I dress. The only thing she likes is when I take her out to eat. FML

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By svet - 22/2/2009 02:07 - United States

Today, I was giving my boyfriend a blowjob, which I don't normally do because I have a fear of getting hit in the eye. Afterwards, I went to suck a lemon to get the taste out of my mouth. Sure enough, I bit the wrong spot and had lemon juice shoot right into my eye. FML

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By Stupid - 1/3/2019 04:00

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend's wife. He's still saying he is not married. FML

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By kinlin - 2/6/2018 19:00

Today, an attractive woman looked in my direction and smiled. My wife saw this and stomped on my foot, and I screamed like a little girl from the pain. People turned and stared. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2015 11:57 - United States - Howell

Today, I babysat an 11 year old kid while his parents ate out. As soon as they left, the kid asked me if I wanted to be on the sex offender's list. Before I could even process that, he told me to stay out of his way and he wouldn't accuse me of anything. FML

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By driverboy - 31/12/2015 08:08 - United States

Today, I had to pick up and drive home a couple of drunk bitches. Unfortunately, one of these drunk bitches was my mother. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2010 05:21 - United States

Today, I woke up to a text from my boyfriend that said "Dude, I think she knows I'm going to break up with her." FML

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By MrGullible - 17/4/2019 00:00

Today, I found out that not only did I pay for my wife to travel overseas to see her brother but to bang some guy half her age as well. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/9/2009 19:02 - United States

Today, as I was walking through the park I had to yawn. In mid-yawn, with my mouth wide open, I walked right through a spider web getting both the spider and the prey it was eating stuck in my mouth. FML

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By William Johnson - 26/12/2013 23:57 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I went on a 70-mile drive to the next town over to finally meet this beautiful girl I had talked to online. To my surprise, she looked exactly how she did in her pictures, minus the ring on her finger and the fiancé who wanted to punch me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2014 17:32 - Japan - Yokohama

Today, I went to the hospital due to vomiting and abdominal pain, and they decided to fit me with an IV drip. It took several tries by two different people to get the cannula in. I feel like a human pin-cushion. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2012 04:41 - United States

Today, I had my headphones on while on the bus. I didn't realize how loud the music was till the woman sitting next to me punched me for changing her favorite song and then "ignoring her" when she asked me to put it back. FML

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By linren - 28/3/2009 18:40 - United States

Today, I was riding in the car with my new boyfriend. He had 'something serious' to tell me. He started to emotionally confess his addiction to masturbation. In detail. The drive was 2 hours long. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2017 02:00

Today, I was driving to work, following my girlfriend's car. I looked down to change the radio station and felt a large bump. I rear-ended my girlfriend. FML

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By Shocked - 17/7/2009 19:24 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I exchanged promise rings. I promised that I would stay committed to him and that he was the only one for me. He promised that he would stop seeing other woman behind my back. He wasn't kidding. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2010 22:26 - United States

Today, after an argument with a coworker, I sent him "Sorry about being such a jerk" in a reply to a mass email he had sent. I accidentally hit 'Reply All'. I now have 32 "It's okay" messages in my inbox. FML

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By Gone With the Wind - 12/5/2014 03:29 - United States - Omaha

Today, the tornado sirens went off so my family went to the basement and turned on the TV to the local news. The station goes to their sky cam as a trampoline flies by. Quite the sight. When the storm passed, I looked outside to see our trampoline was gone. It was the one flying by on TV. FML

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By Doctor! - 5/3/2017 00:00

Dr. House

Today, I found that I have a rare side effect to the hydrocodone prescribed after surgery. One pill keeps me up for almost 24 hours. Either I'm in tremendous pain and try to sleep, or I'm not in much pain and stay awake. I can't win. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2012 02:09 - United States - Roswell

Today, at a post-Christmas party, I saw a cute girl standing underneath a mistletoe. I walked up to her and pointed out that we were both standing under a mistletoe. She looked at me, winced, and quickly walked away. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2016 17:27 - Austria - Vienna

Today, a drunk woman kicked me in the balls for not buying her another drink. That's the closest thing to intimacy I've ever experienced. FML

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By wreckdit - 12/10/2016 23:55 - United States

Today, I discovered that my roommate is a drug dealer and has been keeping her product in our flat. I discovered this when several police officers broke down my bathroom door and arrested me while I was in the shower. FML

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By [email protected] - 25/2/2009 07:42 - Canada

Today, I forgot my work clothes at home so my boss gave me a jacket with a name patch that said "Mike". Still wearing my work clothes I ran into my ex-girlfriend on my way home. We were together for five years until she dumped me for a guy name Mike. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/12/2009 21:24 - United States

Today, my new girlfriend was telling me how she's attracted to "All-American" looking guys. Tall, manly body, handsome face. Then she says, "But it's ok, you're cute too." FML

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By Anonymous - 26/1/2011 13:26 - United States

Today, I was dumped. I ran home and cried and ranted on and on to my mother. After about 10 minutes of talking, she threw a book at my face and said, "No wonder he dumped you! You can't shut up!" FML

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By beer guy - 1/12/2010 05:12

Today, I got punched in the back by elderly woman because she thought I was mocking the way she walked as I passed her. I was walking funny because I have a brace-boot on my foot due to the fact that it got run over. FML

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By calamity janet - 14/11/2018 22:00

Today, my husband took me to an airsoft shop so he could try a new pistol. We went on the range to shoot it, but while he was loading it went off and shot me. I was only wearing my leggings, so I felt the full power of that BB as it traveled at 200 feet per second at my clitoris. FML

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By Bonnie and Clyde - 8/5/2015 02:18 - United States - Humble

Today, my boyfriend and I got busted by a cop for having sex in his car. When the cop sent us on our way, we went home and the garage was open, so we called the cops thinking someone was in the home. No one was in the house, and we got the same cop. FML

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By Marona - 16/4/2015 07:59 - Croatia - Zagreb

Today, after a discussion, my boyfriend said, "I think it's time you found somebody better." After I gave him a look, he continued, "For me." FML

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By JakeHolmes - 17/11/2009 06:48 - United States

Today, I was in my hot tub with my brand new phone. I set it down and when I grabbed my towel I knocked it into the water. I quickly snatched it up and dried it off with the towel and suprisingly only one button stopped working. It was the unlock button, a perfectly good phone that I can't use. FML

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By fuck you, tasha - 24/8/2014 21:50 - United States - Milwaukee

Today, my sister felt guilty and told me about the changes she secretly made to my résumé months ago. She'd put "doing your mom" and "corporate espionage" as my hobbies, and "Justin Bieber's pussy waxer" as a previous job. No wonder I'm still unemployed. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#1318984 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:15

You should have swiped the towel and ran away yelling, "Swallow, bitch!"
Also, your dad must be hung like a flea for your mom not to say, "Naw, wah wah (gag) wah wah wah."

By dudette2 | 9

#1319056 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:41

How did you act like you didn't notice? How does that even work? "Hi Mom, Hi Dad, I'm not noticing your hard on in my mothers mouth 'cause I'm too busy looking for a towel" What??

COMMENTS

By perdix | 29

#1318984 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:15

You should have swiped the towel and ran away yelling, "Swallow, bitch!"
Also, your dad must be hung like a flea for your mom not to say, "Naw, wah wah (gag) wah wah wah."

blaxican8705 | 0

#1319051 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:37

hahahahaha...that's funny

StopTheFuckinCar_fml | 0

#1319079 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:50

oops, not #1, I meant Perdix's answer was priceless

hombrepollo | 0

#1319082 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:51

maybe u shoulda had your v8

bARbi3_d0Ll | 0

#1319111 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:59

you should of just called her "penis breath" and walked away jk

ellielovesyuh | 0

#1319147 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:07

#1 ftw :D

bigredmonkeybutt | 24

#1319191 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:16

The towel was on the dresser? In their bedroom? Or do you mean the dresser I. the kitchen?

afdude87 | 6

#1319339 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:42

I agree with 31. who the fuck doesn't get out asap?

anorexicbarbie | 8

#1319373 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:56

Why are you pushing your chest out like that? It looks weird. Do you have a back problem?

Cooluu | 5

#1319383 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:57

yes, yes FYL

mudkipsan | 19

#1319914 - Monday 30 August 2010 2:38

Fuck your dad's life because your mom doesn't swallow :)

blue_eyes4602 | 0

#1319961 - Monday 30 August 2010 2:49

if it was in their bedroom why wouldn't u knock first? and right when you saw what was going on why didn't you leave??

sixtimessix | 0

#1320024 - Monday 30 August 2010 3:12

this whole thing would of been avoided if you knocked. shit. also why would you still stand and ask? I would of GTFO

allen2020 | 0

#1320059 - Monday 30 August 2010 3:21

perdix is back!

heyred | 11

#1320065 - Monday 30 August 2010 3:21

That's not acting as though you didn't see anything!

itz_scrumdidly | 0

#1320082 - Monday 30 August 2010 3:27

I'd advise that you start knocking before you walk in on a Cleveland Steamer next time

jjtivey97 | 0

#1320281 - Monday 30 August 2010 4:34

ydi for having sex before marriage

STr8_CaLi_d0p3 | 4

#1320399 - Monday 30 August 2010 5:15

67- I don't think he was talking about you. It's actually pretty easy to tell who he meant

aldog24 | 0

#1320621 - Monday 30 August 2010 6:38

lol at self consciousness! ps love to see how much class there is on this site when a girl takes a picture of ONLY her tits and posts it as a display pic!

xBangOut | 4

#1320730 - Monday 30 August 2010 7:20

@59, I would say the same. Swallowing is right thing to do..

DarkWaffle | 0

#1320737 - Monday 30 August 2010 7:23

77-you're retarded..im preeeetty sure OP's parents are married..

also blowjobs dont count as sex

TheOptimist | 0

#1320873 - Monday 30 August 2010 8:10

Perdix comments always win. It's kind of depressing really. There's never any win left for anybody else.

Tearing | 0

#1321354 - Monday 30 August 2010 9:37

Spitters are quitters.

Ella_fml | 17

#1321778 - Monday 30 August 2010 10:51

LOL Nice:)
After she said no, I'd be like "Why not? What are you using it for?"
.... But seriously get out asap dont say anything, it'll make it awkward haha

imright24 | 0

#1322280 - Monday 30 August 2010 14:13

Exactly.

teamsleep22 | 0

#1323114 - Monday 30 August 2010 18:40

1, ur a fucking retard

shoopd | 19

#1323148 - Monday 30 August 2010 19:00

sounds like the mom was getting her p8

ImaBmyLonurTees | 0

#1328633 - Tuesday 31 August 2010 18:01

YDI for not knocking

aldog24 | 0

#1328734 - Tuesday 31 August 2010 18:34

#90 the pic is totally centered and focused on her right boob!! whose the confused one?

klumzy0123456789 | 6

#1336316 - Thursday 2 September 2010 1:53

ewwwwwwwwwwww nasty!!!

MichieBabiie | 0

#1348413 - Saturday 4 September 2010 5:32

Love #1 comment lol

Herropreez17 | 0

#2691178 - Thursday 16 June 2011 1:58

lol

niggatyrone | 0

#2942990 - Thursday 21 July 2011 5:36

wtf a Cleveland steamer is taking a dump on a woman's chest

12dcevin | 5

#3035163 - Thursday 4 August 2011 6:29

Shock probably why he/she stayed

By perdix | 29

#1318992 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:19

You should have swiped the towel and ran away yelling, "Swallow, bitch!"

Also, your dad must be hung like a flea for your mom not to say, "Naw, wah wah (gag) wah wah wah."

By houseofame | 4

#1319035 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:32

It's funny because your mom and dad get more action the you....
YDI it list:
ydi for not knocking
ydi for enjoying it
ydi for having parents
ydi for needing a towel
ydi for not asking to join

wafflez333 | 0

#1319246 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:27

hahahahahahahah agreed with #3

FyourLIFEdotCOM8 | 0

#1321082 - Monday 30 August 2010 9:11

ydi it list? wouldn't it just be ydi list???

applebee_16 | 0

#1321704 - Monday 30 August 2010 10:29

you are right :) ^^

sanjif | 0

#1421896 - Saturday 18 September 2010 7:04

why the fuck are you suggesting incest... that's just nastyy

krty402 | 7

#2597810 - Wednesday 1 June 2011 4:39

not inscest... WINcest

Vball6 | 19

#3512089 - Sunday 30 October 2011 7:09

You're an idiot
You're an idiot
You're an idiot
You're an idiot
You're an idiot
You're an idiot

BostonBruinsFan | 8

#3906821 - Thursday 19 January 2012 3:24

I agree, #3 is an idiot.

itawebbies | 8

#5381365 - Sunday 24 February 2013 17:31

#3 You're naaasty

By dudette2 | 9

#1319056 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:41

How did you act like you didn't notice? How does that even work? "Hi Mom, Hi Dad, I'm not noticing your hard on in my mothers mouth 'cause I'm too busy looking for a towel" What??