Intimacy: Today, I walked in on my mom giving my dad head. Acting like...

By bkay26 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom giving my dad head. Acting like I hadn't seen anything, I asked if I could use a towel sitting on the dresser. My mom said, "No, we're going to need that one." FML

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Intimacy

Empathy lives

Cut her off

Creepy

By Casdmo

Today, the person who is supposed to train me at my new job left the country for a week due to a family emergency. I can't start until they return. This pushes my first paycheck back a pay period, two weeks later than expected. I'm already broke. FML

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By sadcartoons - Canada

Today, my son and I attended my mother's funeral. It was the first time he'd been to such an event, so to ease his grief and distract him, I turned on Max and Ruby when we got home. He quickly broke into tears; apparently, it was the episode where Max and Ruby prepare their grandma a special birthday gift. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - New Bremen

The gift that keeps on giving!

Today, for our Christmas gift exchange, we were supposed to all bring alcohol. I got a Crown Royal Apple box with a couple of positive pregnancy tests. FML

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By ph2222 - United States - Toledo

Today, my boyfriend and I were at his parents' house when things started getting hot. Out of respect, we stopped and just cuddled, making us able to hear his parents banging. FML

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By ohEw - United States - Pasadena

Today, while doing my laundry, I found a very clean but presumably used ribbed condom in my freshly washed and dried sheets. It was not mine. FML

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By ItalianBabyDoll

Alexa, play "That's Not My Name" by The Ting Tings

Today, during my boyfriends birthday dinner, his father shouted, “Jessica, can you slice me a piece too?” My name isn’t Jessica and I’ve been in their family for over two years. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Dunedin

Today, I learned that you can be so sleep deprived that you sleep through your alarm, a construction crew outside your house, and your bladder completely voiding itself. FML

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By blueglover - United States - Perris

Today, I made a new friend. He seemed pretty cool, until we came to the topic of religion and the ancient alien theory. I'm seemingly now friends with a guy who thinks alien Jesus raped an Earth woman, and we're the resulting cross-breed. FML

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By Secondyearcollegekid

Today, one of my housemates licked or bit all 12 of the cupcakes I bought to give to a friend as a thank-you gift. No one will own up to it. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2020 14:02

Mr. Robot

Today, our computer system has irretrievably broken down due to viruses. My boss is the one who refused to get new antivirus software, but he’s still blaming me because I’m the computer guy and should be able to protect us from stupidly complicated viruses, "like the hackers in the movies." FML

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By thicklysettled - United States

Today, I was talking to the girl I've liked for 2 years. We were assigned partners for a History project so we were going to work on it at my house. When she asked me for directions, I told her I lived on Woodcock Road. She yelled slapped me and stormed off. I was serious. FML

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By rapturezz - United States

Today, my ex-girlfriend told my entire family and all my friends that we broke up because I came out to her. They all believe her. Twenty two texts and counting. FML

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By pdnne - United States

Today, I had a really important job interview, and as i was about to leave for it my mom told me to remember to make eye contact. As I was walking in, it was the only thing I could think about, so looking directly at him my foot hits a lip in the floor and my head slams into his desk. FML

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By Thankshun - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me I was selfish for "choosing" to start my period on his day off from work. FML

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By Stalkerella

Today, I asked my neighbor to kindly move his truck because it blocks my driveway and the side entrance to my yard. He responded by throwing a decapitated bird onto my front lawn and filing an injunction against me for stalking. FML

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By traveller - United States

Today, I drove 9 hours and took Monday off of work to surprise my Mom and Dad for Easter. They weren't home so I called to tell them the surprise, rather than wait. They didn't answer as they were on a flight to Denver to surprise me for Easter since "I couldn't get off work." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Bellevue

Today, I walked in on my daughter making out with a piece of paper with someone from the cast of IT taped to her pillow. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I lied to my diary about my weight. FML

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By Lisa - United States

Today, I received an overdue bill for my now nonexistent car that caught fire in July. FML

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By pain in my gums - Canada - St. John's

Today, I went to the dentist to get my wisdom teeth removed. The surgeon took a better X-ray to see what he was dealing with before he got started. When he came back into the room, he started to laugh and told me it was my lucky day because in the X-rays he found 2 big extra wisdom teeth. FML

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By satega - United States - Smithville

Today, I asked my manager if wearing makeup was a requirement for the job. She told me, "Not if you're naturally pretty... So for you, yes". FML

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By WetPhone - United States

Today, I was being pulled into a pool by my girlfriend. To avoid ruining my phone, I tossed it into one of the chairs behind me. I missed and it landed into the hot tub behind it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I punched my wife in the face, because she jumped out from behind the bedroom door in the dark. I'm afraid of the dark. I'm 21. FML

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By smoothies14 - United States - Weatherford

Today, I was studying on a bench outside my dorm when the leg snapped. I decided to do the right thing and let administration know what happened. After assuring me it wasn't my fault, and having me fill out an incident report, they billed me $400. I can't enroll for next semester until I pay. FML

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By hjgjh - United States

Today, an ant bit my penis. That was the first 'mouth' to ever touch it. FML

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By SignificantShrinkage

Today, I found out that when you gain too much weight, your penis can get significantly smaller. After noticing that things had been "off" in the bedroom, my girlfriend and I decided to measure it. There was significant shrinkage. I guess it's time to start working out. FML

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By ivegotapackage - United States - Greensboro

Today, I got a notice on my apartment door that I'd received a package when no one was home, and it was left at the backdoor. I don't have a backdoor. FML

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By Gus - Canada - Richmond

Today, my girlfriend confronted me for forgetting to take the trash out. At some point during the argument, I tried to calm her down, and the words "I should of" escaped my lips. She spent the next ten minutes calling me stupid and laughing at how my grammar goes to hell when I'm distressed. FML

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By TheVirginJenny - United States - Spanaway

Uptight girl, she's been living in her uptight world…

Today, my teenage daughter asked me how old I was when I lost my virginity. I sarcastically replied that I'm still a virgin. She looked at me blankly and said, "Jeez, no wonder you're so uptight. You need to get laid, mom." FML

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By ilana - United States

Today, I was working at my day-camp, and one of my little boys told me he had to show me something important. He proudly showed me that he'd crapped his pants. I had to wipe his ass clean. FML

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By Unknown - Canada

Today, I turned off my boyfriends Xbox while he was playing because I wanted to talk to him about getting more serious with our relationship. As I did so, he said, "that's not the only thing you just turned off" and promptly broke up with me. FML

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By Jay703 - United States - Woodbridge

Goddamn mayo

Today, while taking out a jar of mayonnaise, it slipped from my hand, landing on its lid, exploding, and covering both of my dogs from head to tail in it. Terrified, they fled, leaving a trail of globs of mayo. After cleaning both dogs and the house, they both threw up from eating too much mayonnaise. FML

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By totalloss - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, I had to sit between my parents in the car as they argued with one another for a whole hour over whether or not a thumb is a finger. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on a bike ride when a bug flew into my eye. Not wanting to stop, I figured I would just keep that eye closed until I could cry it out. Five seconds later, a bug flew into my other eye. FML

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By Anonymous

Artistic licence

Today, after spending at least 4 hours drawing a realistic shadow of a vampire for a picture contest, I finally remembered that vampires aren't supposed to produce shadows. FML

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By almost_a_pro - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, I was home alone and tried to make some popcorn so I could watch a movie. Thirty minutes later, my parents came home and found me talking to the firemen. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Moment ruined

Today, I tried to relieve my back pain by lounging in a jacuzzi at my mother's house. All was going well until I accidentally knocked an opened container of bath salts into the tub, which got sucked into the jet system, shooting tiny, sharp, barely dissolved pieces of salt into my back. FML

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By GrandmaShakers - United States

Today, my grandmother bought a Shakeweight, an exercise tool which, basically, simulates a hand-job to tone arm fat. I get to watch my Grandmother do this motion for 6 minutes every day. FML

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By Welcome to Florida

Psssssych!

Today, my son's glasses were missing. My bathroom is not well lit, but I noticed something sticking out from under the toilet seat. I excitedly grabbed it, thinking I saw the band of the glasses. Nope, it was a snake. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, my obsessive stalker of an ex found my girlfriend on Facebook and sent her a message saying just ":)". For some reason I'll never understand, she took this as a sign that I'd just slept with my ex. Now I'm single, and my ex is probably planning her next move. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#1318984 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:15

You should have swiped the towel and ran away yelling, "Swallow, bitch!"
Also, your dad must be hung like a flea for your mom not to say, "Naw, wah wah (gag) wah wah wah."

By dudette2 | 9

#1319056 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:41

How did you act like you didn't notice? How does that even work? "Hi Mom, Hi Dad, I'm not noticing your hard on in my mothers mouth 'cause I'm too busy looking for a towel" What??

COMMENTS

By perdix | 29

#1318984 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:15

You should have swiped the towel and ran away yelling, "Swallow, bitch!"
Also, your dad must be hung like a flea for your mom not to say, "Naw, wah wah (gag) wah wah wah."

blaxican8705 | 0

#1319051 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:37

hahahahaha...that's funny

StopTheFuckinCar_fml | 0

#1319079 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:50

oops, not #1, I meant Perdix's answer was priceless

hombrepollo | 0

#1319082 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:51

maybe u shoulda had your v8

bARbi3_d0Ll | 0

#1319111 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:59

you should of just called her "penis breath" and walked away jk

ellielovesyuh | 0

#1319147 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:07

#1 ftw :D

bigredmonkeybutt | 25

#1319191 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:16

The towel was on the dresser? In their bedroom? Or do you mean the dresser I. the kitchen?

afdude87 | 6

#1319339 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:42

I agree with 31. who the fuck doesn't get out asap?

anorexicbarbie | 8

#1319373 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:56

Why are you pushing your chest out like that? It looks weird. Do you have a back problem?

Cooluu | 5

#1319383 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:57

yes, yes FYL

mudkipsan | 19

#1319914 - Monday 30 August 2010 2:38

Fuck your dad's life because your mom doesn't swallow :)

blue_eyes4602 | 0

#1319961 - Monday 30 August 2010 2:49

if it was in their bedroom why wouldn't u knock first? and right when you saw what was going on why didn't you leave??

sixtimessix | 0

#1320024 - Monday 30 August 2010 3:12

this whole thing would of been avoided if you knocked. shit. also why would you still stand and ask? I would of GTFO

allen2020 | 0

#1320059 - Monday 30 August 2010 3:21

perdix is back!

heyred | 11

#1320065 - Monday 30 August 2010 3:21

That's not acting as though you didn't see anything!

itz_scrumdidly | 0

#1320082 - Monday 30 August 2010 3:27

I'd advise that you start knocking before you walk in on a Cleveland Steamer next time

jjtivey97 | 0

#1320281 - Monday 30 August 2010 4:34

ydi for having sex before marriage

STr8_CaLi_d0p3 | 4

#1320399 - Monday 30 August 2010 5:15

67- I don't think he was talking about you. It's actually pretty easy to tell who he meant

aldog24 | 0

#1320621 - Monday 30 August 2010 6:38

lol at self consciousness! ps love to see how much class there is on this site when a girl takes a picture of ONLY her tits and posts it as a display pic!

xBangOut | 4

#1320730 - Monday 30 August 2010 7:20

@59, I would say the same. Swallowing is right thing to do..

DarkWaffle | 0

#1320737 - Monday 30 August 2010 7:23

77-you're retarded..im preeeetty sure OP's parents are married..

also blowjobs dont count as sex

TheOptimist | 0

#1320873 - Monday 30 August 2010 8:10

Perdix comments always win. It's kind of depressing really. There's never any win left for anybody else.

Tearing | 0

#1321354 - Monday 30 August 2010 9:37

Spitters are quitters.

Ella_fml | 17

#1321778 - Monday 30 August 2010 10:51

LOL Nice:)
After she said no, I'd be like "Why not? What are you using it for?"
.... But seriously get out asap dont say anything, it'll make it awkward haha

imright24 | 0

#1322280 - Monday 30 August 2010 14:13

Exactly.

teamsleep22 | 0

#1323114 - Monday 30 August 2010 18:40

1, ur a fucking retard

shoopd | 19

#1323148 - Monday 30 August 2010 19:00

sounds like the mom was getting her p8

ImaBmyLonurTees | 0

#1328633 - Tuesday 31 August 2010 18:01

YDI for not knocking

aldog24 | 0

#1328734 - Tuesday 31 August 2010 18:34

#90 the pic is totally centered and focused on her right boob!! whose the confused one?

klumzy0123456789 | 6

#1336316 - Thursday 2 September 2010 1:53

ewwwwwwwwwwww nasty!!!

MichieBabiie | 0

#1348413 - Saturday 4 September 2010 5:32

Love #1 comment lol

Herropreez17 | 0

#2691178 - Thursday 16 June 2011 1:58

lol

niggatyrone | 0

#2942990 - Thursday 21 July 2011 5:36

wtf a Cleveland steamer is taking a dump on a woman's chest

12dcevin | 5

#3035163 - Thursday 4 August 2011 6:29

Shock probably why he/she stayed

By perdix | 29

#1318992 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:19

You should have swiped the towel and ran away yelling, "Swallow, bitch!"

Also, your dad must be hung like a flea for your mom not to say, "Naw, wah wah (gag) wah wah wah."

By houseofame | 4

#1319035 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:32

It's funny because your mom and dad get more action the you....
YDI it list:
ydi for not knocking
ydi for enjoying it
ydi for having parents
ydi for needing a towel
ydi for not asking to join

wafflez333 | 0

#1319246 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:27

hahahahahahahah agreed with #3

FyourLIFEdotCOM8 | 0

#1321082 - Monday 30 August 2010 9:11

ydi it list? wouldn't it just be ydi list???

applebee_16 | 0

#1321704 - Monday 30 August 2010 10:29

you are right :) ^^

sanjif | 0

#1421896 - Saturday 18 September 2010 7:04

why the fuck are you suggesting incest... that's just nastyy

krty402 | 7

#2597810 - Wednesday 1 June 2011 4:39

not inscest... WINcest

Vball6 | 19

#3512089 - Sunday 30 October 2011 7:09

You're an idiot
You're an idiot
You're an idiot
You're an idiot
You're an idiot
You're an idiot

BostonBruinsFan | 8

#3906821 - Thursday 19 January 2012 3:24

I agree, #3 is an idiot.

itawebbies | 8

#5381365 - Sunday 24 February 2013 17:31

#3 You're naaasty

By dudette2 | 9

#1319056 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:41

How did you act like you didn't notice? How does that even work? "Hi Mom, Hi Dad, I'm not noticing your hard on in my mothers mouth 'cause I'm too busy looking for a towel" What??