Intimacy: Today, I walked in on my mom giving my dad head. Acting like...

By bkay26 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom giving my dad head. Acting like I hadn't seen anything, I asked if I could use a towel sitting on the dresser. My mom said, "No, we're going to need that one." FML

I agree, your life sucks

36572

You deserved it

7514

Favorite

Intimacy

Dementia or hate? You decide

#1 Mom of the Year

Boom, headshot

By lolgarbl - United States

Today, I had a performance evaluation meeting with my boss. He told me I was the best in my department, and that the productivity has never been higher before I started working here. Oh, and he said that because everything is working so well, they don't need me as much, so he's cutting my hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59158

You deserved it

2754

Favorite

By fatass - United States

Today, I had a great workout and was feeling really good about my body. Until I sat on my desk, and broke it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39866

You deserved it

7495

Favorite

By TearfulDaughter - United States

Today, I planned on introducing my fiancé to my parents. After the introductions, and telling him how I hoped our relationship would have the same amount of love and commitment that has lasted my mother and father for 25 years, my parents awkwardly announced their imminent divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34860

You deserved it

3152

Favorite

By CandlesSuck - Canada

Today, I invited my girlfriend to come over, telling her I had a surprise. I filled the bathtub and lit a lot of candles to be romantic. She gets here, and we start doing our thing. Until we smell something burning. It was my hair. I now have a bald spot on the back of my head. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16771

You deserved it

29255

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, a cute guy in a bar came up to me, and we started chatting. I'm a natural blonde, and he commented on how nice my hair was. He then followed this up with, "Does the carpet match the curtains?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

37568

You deserved it

5142

Favorite

By call me humpty

Today, my dad knocked me down the steps while chasing my brother around the house shouting, "Get back here you pervert!" at the top of his lungs. I have a concussion and a vertebrae fracture because my dad is a religious nutjob and he caught my 22-year-old brother having premarital sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks

5210

You deserved it

315

Favorite

By Anonymous - 29/4/2020 17:00

Spooky

Today, I work as a RGN in an old victorian-style nursing home. Due to Covid-19, we've lost many residents, one passing just the night prior while I was with him. This morning, the TV turned on its own at nearly 4 a.m. in the lounge, and one of the HCAs reported stuff falling off in the corridor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1508

You deserved it

136

Favorite

By dBLIZZARD - United States

Today, my dog ran away. I looked for him for 5 hours, and when I came back home, he was waiting for me at the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28908

You deserved it

3995

Favorite

By WhoNose

Today, the smoke detector in my bedroom malfunctioned and started going off while my cat was asleep on my shoulder. He panicked and deeply lacerated my nose with his claw as he ran off. Blood got everywhere, and to add insult to injury the unit has no removable battery and wouldn't turn off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9604

You deserved it

738

Favorite

By mindlost - United States

Today, I had an argument over whether or not I should buy some flowers. With myself. Out loud. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8229

You deserved it

29371

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that it is never, ever a good idea to put a band-aid of any kind on your penis, because eventually you will have to take it off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9959

You deserved it

53001

Favorite

By SadisticSatire - United States

Today, I went to work to find two new beautiful trainees. I thought maybe I might be able to hook up with one of them, so I walk up and flash my blue eyes and begin to act like a gentleman. Not five minutes into our conversation the girls ask me if there are any cute guys working here. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16291

You deserved it

39636

Favorite

By gymgirl - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, while at the gym, I noticed a creepy-looking guy watching me. When I got up from the equipment, I noticed that he sniffed the seat. I didn't say anything the first time. After he did it the second time, I asked him to stop. He bent down and sniffed it without breaking eye contact. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51210

You deserved it

3811

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, a customer at work made threats against me and my two-month old son. Instead of following policy by notifying the police, my manager apologized to him and told me to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2005

You deserved it

121

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I felt like too much of a loser to go to a Christmas party, since I'd be the only one going without a date. I had to invent imaginary friends who were "coming into town for the holidays" to feel like less of a loser. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26338

You deserved it

9819

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went on a drive with my girlfriend when we went past a 'Dead End' sign. She pointed to it and said it was "Foreshadowing our relationship". FML

I agree, your life sucks

34791

You deserved it

3501

Favorite

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Paisley

Today, my boyfriend of 8 years moved in with two other women. He's spent the past 2 years telling me he can't afford to move out of his parent's house. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25871

You deserved it

2568

Favorite

By annonn - Brunei Darussalam - Bandar Seri Begawan

Today, I found out that people know when you're screenshooting their snaps on Snapchat, by the guy I have a crush on, asking me why I keep doing it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

17072

You deserved it

17928

Favorite

By annoyedguy - United States

Today, my girlfriend missed our date, so I text her angry, telling her if she can't make our dates then we should break up, and generally telling her off. 5 Minutes later I get a picture message of her sleeping in a hospital bed from her mother saying "Shut the **** up, she had appendicitis." FML

I agree, your life sucks

18397

You deserved it

96081

Favorite

By B - United States

Today, I got a Christmas present from my boss. It was an ab workout video. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25263

You deserved it

4639

Favorite

By Mike - United Kingdom

Today, my 5 year old daughter figured out how to use the microwave, microwaving my brand new 3G iphone. It was completely wrecked. So was the microwave. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36787

You deserved it

6712

Favorite

By Foot In Mouth - United States

Today, my anatomy teacher was putting together a skeleton model for class. He had misplaced the leg bone, so I thoughtfully asked, "What's the matter, lose a leg?" Unfortunately, there's nothing thoughtful about asking that question to a guy with an amputated leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9178

You deserved it

36309

Favorite

By mstar - United States

Today, I realized how lonely I am when I got excited over receiving my daily weather update from the Weather Channel. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19553

You deserved it

2813

Favorite

By Grinsporked

Bankers!

Today, after talking to the bank, I'd have to take a pay cut to qualify for a home loan. I'm still confused. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1552

You deserved it

126

Favorite

By GlassPwn - United States

Today, I walked into my room in only a towel. I walked in front of my brother to get to my computer. He said, "My webcam is on." I replied smartly by screaming, hugging the towel tightly to me, turning, and running straight into the glass door, dropping the towel. His friends saw and laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25620

You deserved it

15492

Favorite

By Anonymous

Today, I had a party at my house. I have a nice laptop that I hook up to the stereo, but someone almost spilt beer on it, so I took it downstairs. Later on in the night, I went down to look something up on it. Someone had taken a shit on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1843

You deserved it

375

Favorite

By mediocreboobs - United States

Today, I was home alone tanning in my backyard which is fairly secluded. I took my top off and laid there for awhile before I looked over and saw the UPS guy standing at my gate with a package because nobody answered the door. I looked horrified and he said not to worry, he'd seen better. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47344

You deserved it

8815

Favorite

By Rothaar - United States

Today, I was at the gym and as I was pulling out my earphones and getting off my treadmill, I heard the girl behind me say to her friend on the treadmill next to her, "Wow, there have no cute guys today." Her friend replied, "None at all. It's like everyone suddenly got gay or ugly." FML

I agree, your life sucks

27175

You deserved it

2328

Favorite

By Anonymous - United States - Sparta

Today, I went to the Doctor's for a mole my husband had said was, "growing and changing color". It turned out to be a wood tick. My husband knew, but said it was too "icky" to take off himself. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50500

You deserved it

7754

Favorite

By Samyett - United States

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by creating an account on Runescape; his favorite game. After finding him in-game, I started talking to him, not revealing who I was. After a while, I asked him if he had a girlfriend. He promptly said no and asked me for nude pics. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58133

You deserved it

14922

Favorite

By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 09:01 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Get it out!

Today, I paid movers $125 to move a couch into my house that's much too large for the space. FML

I agree, your life sucks

370

You deserved it

931

Favorite

By overly nationalistic redneck - Norway - Ytre Arna

Today, after recently complaining that the reality show "The Great Norway Adventure" portrays us as a country of nationalistic rednecks, I saw my drunk dad chasing my uncle on a tractor while bellowing the national anthem at the top of his lungs. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48218

You deserved it

5290

Favorite

By tool - United States

Today, I was bored at my job at Home Depot. I got a bar code tattoo 3 weeks ago and thought it would be funny to scan it. I'm a $5.98 160z claw hammer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43849

You deserved it

142935

Favorite

By SADlilAZN - United States

Today, I made a couple videos of me playing guitar and singing some of my favorite songs. I arrived back from school to find my family huddled around the cam-corder laughing, imitating, and making jokes about the video. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35722

You deserved it

8593

Favorite

By dino0123 - United States - Herndon

Today, my very cheap boyfriend of four years proposed. I was overwhelmed with emotion, since he bought such a huge, seemingly-diamond ring. I was later overwhelmed with emotion when my finger turned green. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32337

You deserved it

4470

Favorite

By m0m - Belgium - Brasschaat

Today, I had to explain to my 27 year-old sister why a stainless steel fork isn't a good toy for my 8 month-old baby. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20956

You deserved it

1653

Favorite

By musicthief - United States - Finleyville

Today, I saw my music teacher, who I considered one of my role-models, on TV. Too bad it was because she'd robbed a church. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24145

You deserved it

1874

Favorite

By the other guy? - Australia - Perth

Today, I was watching last week's episode of The Walking Dead with my girlfriend. When the gang leader explained the rules of the group to Daryl, I reached over, grabbed my girlfriend's boobs and yelled, "Claimed!" She shot back, "Yeah, they are. But not by you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

46502

You deserved it

19686

Favorite

By even axe would smell better - United Kingdom - Aylesbury

Today, a kid in class kept chatting to his friend, and was made to swap seats. Every time the guy he swapped with moved, the stench from his armpits wafted over. It smelled like nacho cheese crossed with ball sweat. It got so bad that I eventually had to go dry heave in the toilets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41546

You deserved it

3597

Favorite

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I scratched a lottery ticket I had gotten for my birthday and won $10,000. In celebration, I jumped up and raised my hands directly into a ceiling fan. Oh, and it was a fake ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35264

You deserved it

6054

Favorite

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By perdix | 29

#1318984 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:15

You should have swiped the towel and ran away yelling, "Swallow, bitch!"
Also, your dad must be hung like a flea for your mom not to say, "Naw, wah wah (gag) wah wah wah."

By dudette2 | 9

#1319056 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:41

How did you act like you didn't notice? How does that even work? "Hi Mom, Hi Dad, I'm not noticing your hard on in my mothers mouth 'cause I'm too busy looking for a towel" What??

COMMENTS

By perdix | 29

#1318984 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:15

You should have swiped the towel and ran away yelling, "Swallow, bitch!"
Also, your dad must be hung like a flea for your mom not to say, "Naw, wah wah (gag) wah wah wah."

blaxican8705 | 0

#1319051 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:37

hahahahaha...that's funny

StopTheFuckinCar_fml | 0

#1319079 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:50

oops, not #1, I meant Perdix's answer was priceless

hombrepollo | 0

#1319082 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:51

maybe u shoulda had your v8

bARbi3_d0Ll | 0

#1319111 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:59

you should of just called her "penis breath" and walked away jk

ellielovesyuh | 0

#1319147 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:07

#1 ftw :D

bigredmonkeybutt | 25

#1319191 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:16

The towel was on the dresser? In their bedroom? Or do you mean the dresser I. the kitchen?

afdude87 | 6

#1319339 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:42

I agree with 31. who the fuck doesn't get out asap?

anorexicbarbie | 8

#1319373 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:56

Why are you pushing your chest out like that? It looks weird. Do you have a back problem?

Cooluu | 5

#1319383 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:57

yes, yes FYL

mudkipsan | 19

#1319914 - Monday 30 August 2010 2:38

Fuck your dad's life because your mom doesn't swallow :)

blue_eyes4602 | 0

#1319961 - Monday 30 August 2010 2:49

if it was in their bedroom why wouldn't u knock first? and right when you saw what was going on why didn't you leave??

sixtimessix | 0

#1320024 - Monday 30 August 2010 3:12

this whole thing would of been avoided if you knocked. shit. also why would you still stand and ask? I would of GTFO

allen2020 | 0

#1320059 - Monday 30 August 2010 3:21

perdix is back!

heyred | 11

#1320065 - Monday 30 August 2010 3:21

That's not acting as though you didn't see anything!

itz_scrumdidly | 0

#1320082 - Monday 30 August 2010 3:27

I'd advise that you start knocking before you walk in on a Cleveland Steamer next time

jjtivey97 | 0

#1320281 - Monday 30 August 2010 4:34

ydi for having sex before marriage

STr8_CaLi_d0p3 | 4

#1320399 - Monday 30 August 2010 5:15

67- I don't think he was talking about you. It's actually pretty easy to tell who he meant

aldog24 | 0

#1320621 - Monday 30 August 2010 6:38

lol at self consciousness! ps love to see how much class there is on this site when a girl takes a picture of ONLY her tits and posts it as a display pic!

xBangOut | 4

#1320730 - Monday 30 August 2010 7:20

@59, I would say the same. Swallowing is right thing to do..

DarkWaffle | 0

#1320737 - Monday 30 August 2010 7:23

77-you're retarded..im preeeetty sure OP's parents are married..

also blowjobs dont count as sex

TheOptimist | 0

#1320873 - Monday 30 August 2010 8:10

Perdix comments always win. It's kind of depressing really. There's never any win left for anybody else.

Tearing | 0

#1321354 - Monday 30 August 2010 9:37

Spitters are quitters.

Ella_fml | 17

#1321778 - Monday 30 August 2010 10:51

LOL Nice:)
After she said no, I'd be like "Why not? What are you using it for?"
.... But seriously get out asap dont say anything, it'll make it awkward haha

imright24 | 0

#1322280 - Monday 30 August 2010 14:13

Exactly.

teamsleep22 | 0

#1323114 - Monday 30 August 2010 18:40

1, ur a fucking retard

shoopd | 19

#1323148 - Monday 30 August 2010 19:00

sounds like the mom was getting her p8

ImaBmyLonurTees | 0

#1328633 - Tuesday 31 August 2010 18:01

YDI for not knocking

aldog24 | 0

#1328734 - Tuesday 31 August 2010 18:34

#90 the pic is totally centered and focused on her right boob!! whose the confused one?

klumzy0123456789 | 6

#1336316 - Thursday 2 September 2010 1:53

ewwwwwwwwwwww nasty!!!

MichieBabiie | 0

#1348413 - Saturday 4 September 2010 5:32

Love #1 comment lol

Herropreez17 | 0

#2691178 - Thursday 16 June 2011 1:58

lol

niggatyrone | 0

#2942990 - Thursday 21 July 2011 5:36

wtf a Cleveland steamer is taking a dump on a woman's chest

12dcevin | 5

#3035163 - Thursday 4 August 2011 6:29

Shock probably why he/she stayed

By perdix | 29

#1318992 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:19

You should have swiped the towel and ran away yelling, "Swallow, bitch!"

Also, your dad must be hung like a flea for your mom not to say, "Naw, wah wah (gag) wah wah wah."

By houseofame | 4

#1319035 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:32

It's funny because your mom and dad get more action the you....
YDI it list:
ydi for not knocking
ydi for enjoying it
ydi for having parents
ydi for needing a towel
ydi for not asking to join

wafflez333 | 0

#1319246 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:27

hahahahahahahah agreed with #3

FyourLIFEdotCOM8 | 0

#1321082 - Monday 30 August 2010 9:11

ydi it list? wouldn't it just be ydi list???

applebee_16 | 0

#1321704 - Monday 30 August 2010 10:29

you are right :) ^^

sanjif | 0

#1421896 - Saturday 18 September 2010 7:04

why the fuck are you suggesting incest... that's just nastyy

krty402 | 7

#2597810 - Wednesday 1 June 2011 4:39

not inscest... WINcest

Vball6 | 19

#3512089 - Sunday 30 October 2011 7:09

You're an idiot
You're an idiot
You're an idiot
You're an idiot
You're an idiot
You're an idiot

BostonBruinsFan | 8

#3906821 - Thursday 19 January 2012 3:24

I agree, #3 is an idiot.

itawebbies | 8

#5381365 - Sunday 24 February 2013 17:31

#3 You're naaasty

By dudette2 | 9

#1319056 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:41

How did you act like you didn't notice? How does that even work? "Hi Mom, Hi Dad, I'm not noticing your hard on in my mothers mouth 'cause I'm too busy looking for a towel" What??