Today, I walked in on my mom giving my dad head. Acting like...

By bkay26 - United States

Today, I walked in on my mom giving my dad head. Acting like I hadn't seen anything, I asked if I could use a towel sitting on the dresser. My mom said, "No, we're going to need that one." FML

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Intimacy

Season finale

Dicks aplenty!

Vibe check

By dumpyhair

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because he, "just can't keep dating a girl with so many split ends." FML

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By Willow - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me why he stood me up last night instead of coming over to visit. Apparently me telling him I couldn't wait for him to do naughty things to me turned him off, and made him feel like a piece of meat. FML

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By :O - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my brother in law brought a dead rabbit to my nephew saying, "I found the Easter Bunny!" My nephew started crying hours ago and hasn't stopped. FML

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By Mahomie123 - United States

Today, I had an all day volleyball tournament in a town an hour away. My dad left early, not realizing he was my ride home. I'm now stranded in the middle of a rural town with no way home anytime soon. FML

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By Samuel - Canada

Today, I woke up to find my power was out. After taking a shower in the dark and being unable to make myself lunch, my power came on two minutes before I had to leave for school. FML

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By marshmallowssss - United States

Today, I just finished having dinner with my boyfriend, so I leaned over to him and said seductively, "How about some dessert?" Obviously, he didn't catch my tone, because he then looked at me and said, "Babe, you really don't need it." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Deland

Today, I tried to blackmail my dad by threatening to tell mom about the bong and weed he keeps hidden in the garage. Turns out she already knew about it and neither of them give a shit. Now I'm grounded until the new year. FML

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By Anonymous - Iceland - Akureyri

Today, a package was delivered to my house, addressed to me, clearly marked "sexual health products". Inside were condoms, birth control pills, and an invoice made out to me. My parents went ballistic and grounded me. Whoever staged this "hilarious" prank: well played, asshole. FML

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By chuchie - United States

Today, I was babysitting my 5 month old nephew who hasn't pooped in 2 days according to his mom. Well, he pooped. I accidentally stuck my finger in it. While I was wiping my finger off, he rolls over and pees on my new carpet. I roll him over to clean the pee and he opened fire and pooped again. FML

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By Noca - United States

Today, I was eating with my boyfriend and his family at a high-end restaurant when, suddenly, I screamed, thinking a dog had just bitten my leg. I am terrified of dogs. I kicked my under-the-table assailant as hard as I could. It was my boyfriend's adorable five-year-old sister. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Just a prank, bro!

Today, I've been told that the test I have tomorrow, which I've been studying for, is not on 'Parent and Child Relationships' but on 'Scotland's Fishing Communities'. My brother thought it would be funny to hide the real booklet, and make up his own one for me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I learned that my dad invested my entire college fund into some shady internet stock, despite my dire warnings about being careful. He told me not to worry as he'd done some research, and he guaranteed everything would be fine. Two hours later that same stock dropped almost 75%. FML

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By GTR - United Kingdom

Today, I bought a car. After just ten minutes, my hub caps had been stolen. FML

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By castironstomach

Today, I learned that my daughter will literally eat until she is sick to keep her father and brothers from getting her dessert. I also learned that my boys are sympathetic vomiters. All five of them. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while riding to the skate park, I noticed a gorgeous blonde walking towards me. She gave me a smile as I passed so I turned and looked behind me to get a second glance. I rode my BMX straight into a light pole in front of a pub patio full of people. She saw it all. FML

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By Brad - United States - Harrisburg

Today, I went to dinner with my girlfriend of 2 months. This would have been great, had I not been nodding absentmindedly when she suggested that we start planning our wedding soon, because "she's always dreamt of being married on the same day as Brad and Angelina." FML

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By Anonymous - Austria - Vienna

Today, my boyfriend canceled our date last-minute. He claimed he had no time because he had to iron his towels. FML

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By Punphmelch - Australia - Adelaide

Today, no matter how many toys and teddies she has, and no matter how much I punish her, I am most likely never going to be able to break my 10-week-old puppy's habit of stealing my underwear. She doesn't eat them or even chew on them. She steals them to sleep with. FML

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By grounded. - United States

Today, I'm a 25-year-old married woman and I'm currently living with my grandfather to take care of him. Today, he grounded me. FML

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By taptheturtle - United States

Today, I was waiting in the lobby of a modeling agency for my interview to be a potential model and I was next in line. They called "NEXT!" and I walked in with a smile on my face. They stared at my face for a moment and then started yelling "NEXT". FML

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By Dragoness11 - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, I still have my ridiculous fear of being heard on the toilet, and I can't go if people are around. I'd just sat down on the toilet when three of my housemates started chatting immediately outside the door. I had to sit silently until they were gone. For half an hour. FML

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By evilsandwich - Canada - London

Today, after house-sitting for a week, I came home to find the house in which I rent a basement suite has all but burned to the ground. My landlord didn't even bother to tell me about the fire. FML

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By heresmybellybotton - United States

Today, I was babysitting a little girl down the street. She pulled out her 'memory box', which contained many childhood treasures. After pulling out a variety of dresses and baby pictures, she says, "... and here's my belly button!" and plops an umbilical chord in my hands. FML

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By Ayeya - United States

Today, I wanted to print out a 100 page game strategy guide using company's printer. While not wanting anyone to find out about this I picked a time where I thought no one would be printing. My CEO ended up standing next to me for 10 minutes waiting for his stuff to print after mine. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Iowa City

Today, my girlfriend and I were trying something new. I ended up with a shard of glass in my back and a concussion. Don't have sex on a glass table. FML

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By BUSTED. - United Kingdom - London

Today, I punched a drunk woman who kept trying to force herself onto my husband. She turned out to be an off-duty cop. FML

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By no booze blues - 21/10/2020 08:01 - United States

Sweet dude

Today, I was cleaning out some cabinets and stumbled upon a bottle of vodka. Being a recovering alcoholic, I immediately flushed it down the toilet. When my boyfriend got home, instead of being proud of my victory, he bitched me out for wasting the good shit. That’s for the support babe. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was talking to my military brother about him coming home soon. I told him that our parents don't always handle change well, but are excited to see him. He took that to mean that they don't want him home and to make plans to stay where he is. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I'm travelling across the country with my family. My grandma thought it would be a good idea to take her shoes off. It's been 5 minutes and my eyes are watering from the stench. We still have over 200 miles left until we get home. FML

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By HeartToFart - United States - North Port

Today, I had to grip the headboard of my bed for the first time in months. I wasn't having incredible sex unfortunately, just really bad gas. FML

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By bad timing - United States - Monterey Park

Uncomfortable

Today, at work, my manager accidentally bumped into me, brushing my behind with the back of his hand. He was a bit embarrassed, so I jokingly said, “You could at least buy me dinner first!” He went to HR and told them I made him uncomfortable. I was just trying to lighten the mood. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while I was in the shower, my boyfriend decided to join me. We were really getting into it and he attempted to lift me up. Not only did I let out a massive fart, he slipped and fell on top of me. He won't stop laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was playing basketball in our company gym. I took a shot from half court, and at that exact moment, an executive walked into the gym with an important potential client. My shot bounced off the side of the backboard, off some bleachers, and right into the client's head. FML

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By anun - Australia

Today, my girlfriend asked me, "Is it in yet?" FML

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By nickname - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a birthday party and got my face rubbed in with a cake. When I came out of the restroom having washed my face I noticed one of the girls going in. Just to be nice I asked, "They put cake on your face too, did they?" She said no, that was just her make-up. FML

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Today, I am now sleeping on the floor because my friend got super drunk at a small party then peed herself in her sleep. I was sleeping beside her and my clothes smell like pee. FML

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By BW - United States

Today, I woke up on the coldest morning of the year to discover that the gas fireplace has run out of propane, and there is no water because the pipes are frozen. While trying to locate the frozen pipe, I forgot to let the dog out, and she peed on the carpet. FML

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By not-so-young-shortie - United States

Today, I was eating at a restaurant with my boyfriend, he is 6'2 and i am 4'11. Out of nowhere, the hostess started openly flirting with him, and asked him if he needed a booster chair for his daughter. FML

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By Lewis - Australia

Today, I walked in the door and heard my husband calling me to the bedroom. I got a little excited, took my clothes off, and walked into the bedroom. I forgot our mortgagor was inspecting our house today. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to let my 19-month-old son watch me pee, since I'm trying to potty train him. I didn't consider that he might try to grab my penis. When he did, I was startled and peed all over the floor and my son. Good job dad. FML

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Top comments

By perdix | 29

#1318984 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:15

You should have swiped the towel and ran away yelling, "Swallow, bitch!"
Also, your dad must be hung like a flea for your mom not to say, "Naw, wah wah (gag) wah wah wah."

By dudette2 | 9

#1319056 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:41

How did you act like you didn't notice? How does that even work? "Hi Mom, Hi Dad, I'm not noticing your hard on in my mothers mouth 'cause I'm too busy looking for a towel" What??

COMMENTS

By perdix | 29

#1318984 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:15

You should have swiped the towel and ran away yelling, "Swallow, bitch!"
Also, your dad must be hung like a flea for your mom not to say, "Naw, wah wah (gag) wah wah wah."

blaxican8705 | 0

#1319051 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:37

hahahahaha...that's funny

StopTheFuckinCar_fml | 0

#1319079 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:50

oops, not #1, I meant Perdix's answer was priceless

hombrepollo | 0

#1319082 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:51

maybe u shoulda had your v8

bARbi3_d0Ll | 0

#1319111 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:59

you should of just called her "penis breath" and walked away jk

ellielovesyuh | 0

#1319147 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:07

#1 ftw :D

bigredmonkeybutt | 24

#1319191 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:16

The towel was on the dresser? In their bedroom? Or do you mean the dresser I. the kitchen?

afdude87 | 6

#1319339 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:42

I agree with 31. who the fuck doesn't get out asap?

anorexicbarbie | 8

#1319373 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:56

Why are you pushing your chest out like that? It looks weird. Do you have a back problem?

Cooluu | 5

#1319383 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:57

yes, yes FYL

mudkipsan | 19

#1319914 - Monday 30 August 2010 2:38

Fuck your dad's life because your mom doesn't swallow :)

blue_eyes4602 | 0

#1319961 - Monday 30 August 2010 2:49

if it was in their bedroom why wouldn't u knock first? and right when you saw what was going on why didn't you leave??

sixtimessix | 0

#1320024 - Monday 30 August 2010 3:12

this whole thing would of been avoided if you knocked. shit. also why would you still stand and ask? I would of GTFO

allen2020 | 0

#1320059 - Monday 30 August 2010 3:21

perdix is back!

heyred | 11

#1320065 - Monday 30 August 2010 3:21

That's not acting as though you didn't see anything!

itz_scrumdidly | 0

#1320082 - Monday 30 August 2010 3:27

I'd advise that you start knocking before you walk in on a Cleveland Steamer next time

jjtivey97 | 0

#1320281 - Monday 30 August 2010 4:34

ydi for having sex before marriage

STr8_CaLi_d0p3 | 4

#1320399 - Monday 30 August 2010 5:15

67- I don't think he was talking about you. It's actually pretty easy to tell who he meant

aldog24 | 0

#1320621 - Monday 30 August 2010 6:38

lol at self consciousness! ps love to see how much class there is on this site when a girl takes a picture of ONLY her tits and posts it as a display pic!

xBangOut | 4

#1320730 - Monday 30 August 2010 7:20

@59, I would say the same. Swallowing is right thing to do..

DarkWaffle | 0

#1320737 - Monday 30 August 2010 7:23

77-you're retarded..im preeeetty sure OP's parents are married..

also blowjobs dont count as sex

TheOptimist | 0

#1320873 - Monday 30 August 2010 8:10

Perdix comments always win. It's kind of depressing really. There's never any win left for anybody else.

Tearing | 0

#1321354 - Monday 30 August 2010 9:37

Spitters are quitters.

Ella_fml | 17

#1321778 - Monday 30 August 2010 10:51

LOL Nice:)
After she said no, I'd be like "Why not? What are you using it for?"
.... But seriously get out asap dont say anything, it'll make it awkward haha

imright24 | 0

#1322280 - Monday 30 August 2010 14:13

Exactly.

teamsleep22 | 0

#1323114 - Monday 30 August 2010 18:40

1, ur a fucking retard

shoopd | 19

#1323148 - Monday 30 August 2010 19:00

sounds like the mom was getting her p8

ImaBmyLonurTees | 0

#1328633 - Tuesday 31 August 2010 18:01

YDI for not knocking

aldog24 | 0

#1328734 - Tuesday 31 August 2010 18:34

#90 the pic is totally centered and focused on her right boob!! whose the confused one?

klumzy0123456789 | 6

#1336316 - Thursday 2 September 2010 1:53

ewwwwwwwwwwww nasty!!!

MichieBabiie | 0

#1348413 - Saturday 4 September 2010 5:32

Love #1 comment lol

Herropreez17 | 0

#2691178 - Thursday 16 June 2011 1:58

lol

niggatyrone | 0

#2942990 - Thursday 21 July 2011 5:36

wtf a Cleveland steamer is taking a dump on a woman's chest

12dcevin | 5

#3035163 - Thursday 4 August 2011 6:29

Shock probably why he/she stayed

By perdix | 29

#1318992 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:19

You should have swiped the towel and ran away yelling, "Swallow, bitch!"

Also, your dad must be hung like a flea for your mom not to say, "Naw, wah wah (gag) wah wah wah."

By houseofame | 4

#1319035 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:32

It's funny because your mom and dad get more action the you....
YDI it list:
ydi for not knocking
ydi for enjoying it
ydi for having parents
ydi for needing a towel
ydi for not asking to join

wafflez333 | 0

#1319246 - Monday 30 August 2010 0:27

hahahahahahahah agreed with #3

FyourLIFEdotCOM8 | 0

#1321082 - Monday 30 August 2010 9:11

ydi it list? wouldn't it just be ydi list???

applebee_16 | 0

#1321704 - Monday 30 August 2010 10:29

you are right :) ^^

sanjif | 0

#1421896 - Saturday 18 September 2010 7:04

why the fuck are you suggesting incest... that's just nastyy

krty402 | 7

#2597810 - Wednesday 1 June 2011 4:39

not inscest... WINcest

Vball6 | 19

#3512089 - Sunday 30 October 2011 7:09

You're an idiot
You're an idiot
You're an idiot
You're an idiot
You're an idiot
You're an idiot

BostonBruinsFan | 8

#3906821 - Thursday 19 January 2012 3:24

I agree, #3 is an idiot.

itawebbies | 8

#5381365 - Sunday 24 February 2013 17:31

#3 You're naaasty

By dudette2 | 9

#1319056 - Sunday 29 August 2010 23:41

How did you act like you didn't notice? How does that even work? "Hi Mom, Hi Dad, I'm not noticing your hard on in my mothers mouth 'cause I'm too busy looking for a towel" What??