Intimacy: Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to put his penis in...

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55

You deserved it 100

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 627

You deserved it 103

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 603

You deserved it 40

26/12/2011 00:07

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to put his penis in a hole in our bedroom wall. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 808

You deserved it 5 380

Intimacy

Stop talking!

Generational trauma

Halitosis

29/12/2013 23:23

Today, I was verbally abused by a tourist because neither I nor anyone else in my country can speak "proper English". We're in England - clue's in the name, dipshit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 401

You deserved it 4 470

12/10/2015 21:35

Today, while I was in the shower, my 4 year old son wondered what would happen if he put 6 eggs in the microwave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 203

You deserved it 3 038

19/11/2015 14:52

Today, it's my 30th birthday. My husband came home with a big case of beer for himself, then told me he didn't have time to get me a present because of work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 549

You deserved it 2 008

17/01/2018 09:00

Today, after drinking myself to an oblivion, I awoke with a massive hangover. I didn’t want to go to work, but every excuse I came up with in my head screamed of alcoholics. When I arrived, my boss asked me why I was there. It was my day off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 973

You deserved it 4 734

27/06/2011 07:55

Today, it has been 8 months since I started a photography project in which I would take a picture of the same tree every day for a year. I just heard a noise outside. They cut the tree down. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 676

You deserved it 4 534

28/08/2011 04:06

Today, I realized my soon to be ex wife is stalking me online. Everytime I block her she creates a new profile. She left me 9 months ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 573

You deserved it 2 974

22/12/2010 09:50

Today, I got a call about my dog who went missing a week ago. The guy who called said "We have your dog, but you aren't getting her back." Then he hung up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 578

You deserved it 2 883

You're fired

By Pyrophobia - 13/09/2021 23:00

Today, my husband nearly set our apartment on fire, all because he attempted to burn any evidence of his affair with his mistress, including the used latex condom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 376

You deserved it 101

10/09/2010 10:02

Today, at work, I leaned back in a chair too far, causing me to tip over and smash my head into a wall. If that wasn't enough damage, my boss keeps replaying the security footage to everyone I work with. My head hurts not from the fall, but the loud laughter that keeps coming from inside the office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 850

You deserved it 22 932

19/06/2009 16:39

Today, I was walking to work and saw three guys sitting at a table outside. One of the guys looks at me and says to his friends, "That's the girl that works at the grocery store. She replaced the hot chick." The other two guys glared at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 805

You deserved it 3 517

31/05/2017 11:00

Today, I answered the door to two Mormon girls from America. I live in the UK and am not religious at all, but I was too polite to slam the door and ended up letting them in. An hour later, a copy of 'The Book of Mormon' and 'My Pathway to Baptism' and I think I'm now a Mormon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 106

You deserved it 1 540

Dumbass idea

By Caeru - 21/06/2011 07:08

Today, my mother tried to tell me that nicotine is the only substance that ensures weight loss, and that nicotine has been passed down in our family for over 5 generations of heavy smoking relatives. Then she encouraged me to start smoking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 098

You deserved it 3 591

01/10/2009 14:25

Today, during an argument with my daughter she screamed "everyone hates you!" and stormed off. I flopped down on the couch in frustration where the cat jumped on my lap. "You love me, don't you?" I asked the cat. She crapped on my leg and went to my daughter's room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 285

You deserved it 6 825

31/01/2010 00:32

Today, I discovered that my best friend of 3 years has me in her phone as "Stupid Bitch". FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 403

You deserved it 4 441

02/02/2014 21:50

Today, my dogs freaked out and started getting violent because they thought the sound of my vibrator was the other's growling. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 765

You deserved it 11 563

Communication breakdown

By Jen - 20/03/2012 05:11

Today, my new boyfriend asked why it takes me so long to reach orgasm. I didn't have the heart to tell him that he's never even given me one. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 813

You deserved it 7 241

25/09/2018 05:00

Today, I replaced the battery in a closet’s electronic keypad door lock, and I accidentally locked myself inside. My family was traveling, so I had to call a neighbor. He got me out, but took pictures and posted to social media. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 533

You deserved it 693

Gordon says you SUCK

By James - 01/04/2020 17:00

Today, my sister was so bored during the lockdown that she let me attempt to cook an omelette without turning the stove on, just so she had something amusing to watch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 708

You deserved it 1 244

04/11/2014 19:08

Today, while in a hospital waiting room, a man started talking to me. After a few minutes, he asked me what I did for a living, and I said I'm a stay-at-home mom. He looked me up and down and said, "Huh. No life ambitions, huh?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 376

You deserved it 7 561

03/05/2017 18:00

Today, my boss took back my week off because he wants to take a spontaneous Caribbean vacation with his wife, which is "clearly more important" than what I was going to do. I needed that time off so I could be with my Dad in hospice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 681

You deserved it 241

20/03/2010 06:23

Today, I dove into the water perfectly, and my bikini bottoms came off. I splashed around nervously. This guy must have thought I was drowning, and dove in to save me. He emerged from the water carrying a half naked girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 531

You deserved it 5 472

Livin' la vida loca

By Anonymous - 27/07/2021 08:01

Today, I asked my husband what he wanted for his birthday, hinting that he could have anything sexual, and he asked me to… take the kids and visit my mother over the weekend, so he can have 48 hours totally alone, naked, drinking beer and playing his Xbox. FML

I agree, your life sucks 938

You deserved it 711

28/11/2013 06:39

Today, to make it seem like the customers actually liked me, I told my coworkers I got tipped $12. Sadly, that "$12 tip" came from my own pocket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 948

You deserved it 13 532

19/08/2016 07:01

Today, in an effort to try and get fit, I was doing yoga on my carpet when my foot slipped. It went under my radiator, which peeled the skin off my heel like peeling a potato. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 313

You deserved it 1 423

Unhappy Birthday

By ER Birthday - 19/09/2019 14:00

Today, I got home from the hospital. Yesterday was my birthday, and I got a piece of steak caught in my lower esophagus, resulting in a trip to the ER and an overnight stay so they could put me under and fish it out. I’m not allowed meat for a month while they find out what caused it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 388

You deserved it 183

12/10/2014 04:04

Today, my boss discovered that I'm prone to random fainting, due to hypoglycemia. He has now nicknamed me "fainting goat" and makes relentless bleating noises every time he sees me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 123

You deserved it 3 113

31/01/2009 21:40

Today, at the urinal a guy came up next to me to do his business. He stared over at me, looked down, laughed and then left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 541

You deserved it 2 576

23/01/2010 10:27

Today, I planned my own wedding down to the very last detail, including favours for my guests, the sweets buffet and the bouquet of flower brooches I want. Too bad I'm still single. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 831

You deserved it 37 681

03/02/2010 05:03

Today, after calling my boyfriend and telling him that my dog had just died, he hesitated and stuttered "She was old, sick, and suffering. Babe, it was her time to go." He then informed me he had to go to his friend's house and hung up. My dog was 2, in great health, and was hit by a car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 387

You deserved it 2 958

Kitchen Nightmares

By just the tip, though - 28/01/2014 17:06

Today, at work teaching a cooking class, one of the kids asked if they could use a knife to help me chop vegetables. I said no, because it was very sharp and only staff members are allowed to use them. Just as I said that, the knife sliced through the tip of my thumb. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 960

You deserved it 11 882

10/07/2017 14:28

Today, I confronted my neighbor because he'd been telling my kids that global warming was a myth. He responded with, "Whine all you want, but the swamp is draining and your bullshit liberal narrative is finally going down." He then dumped his trash on my lawn and retreated to his house. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 862

You deserved it 1 195

29/08/2015 13:44

Today, I finished a big painting for art class. It's also the day my little brother decided it didn't have enough puke on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 106

You deserved it 1 662

26/12/2009 01:23

Today, as my dad was handing me my Christmas gift, he pats me on the shoulder and says, "These were mine, hope you enjoy them as much as I did." Thinking it was something special of his he wanted to hand down to me, I quickly unwrapped the box only to find old 70's porn. Merry Christmas? FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 435

You deserved it 3 372

22/05/2016 03:49

Today, I locked my keys in my car. I had a spare key in my wallet, that I also left in the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 041

You deserved it 3 144

07/05/2011 16:26

Today, I playfully nudged my friend on the shoulder. She countered by shoving me head-first into a trash can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 126

You deserved it 10 224

21/03/2009 20:11

Today, was my first serious photoshoot as a male model for a high-end clothing line. It was a nude photoshoot, with kind of an Adam and Eve theme. After the first couple of pictures with the extremly sexy female model, I got a boner. There were still 100 shots left to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 652

You deserved it 22 349

24/05/2014 06:14

Today, my boyfriend told me that the girl he really likes sees me as a threat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 430

You deserved it 5 070

28/06/2012 18:11

Today, my boyfriend finally met my brother. He arrested him for drunk driving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 172

You deserved it 3 616

03/03/2014 16:30

Today, my roommate pranked me by putting blue food coloring in the shower head. I have class in 20 minutes and look like a smurf. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 758

You deserved it 4 045

12/08/2015 02:23

Today, while having sex with my girlfriend for the first time, I pushed all the way in. She said, "Stop teasing me, put everything in." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 088

You deserved it 4 483

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Top comments

IAMYOURPINEAPPLE 9

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Monday 26 December 2011 8:07

Next time, go around to the other side and surprise him.

xAttackAttackx 25

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Monday 26 December 2011 8:05

...how big was the hole?

Comments

jdogg0119 4

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Monday 26 December 2011 8:04

Haha sounds like someone should give it up

IphonFML 6

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Monday 26 December 2011 8:10

well ur fault for not giving him enough

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Monday 26 December 2011 8:28

1- "trying to" Or get better at aiming.

1221jamw 11

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Monday 26 December 2011 8:33

Hey number 9, don't be a fuckball. only respond to respond and not to be up top.

urdirtyolduncle 15

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Monday 26 December 2011 8:33

We like to stick our thing into any holes we can find.

MineIsBigger 5

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Monday 26 December 2011 9:07

Every room should have a dick hole

n_epic_fail 14

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Monday 26 December 2011 10:18

He's essentially fucking your wall...

XxHoPPoxX 8

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Monday 26 December 2011 13:32

Technically there's always one in the house whichever room your in ;)

KeyboardWarrior 10

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Monday 26 December 2011 18:31

26 - You seem to quite enjoy the word fuckball. And what do you have against thread jacking?

levibarks 5

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Monday 26 December 2011 20:45

Rule 34, always true

jmtmxer 0

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 1:32

I've seen a video like that… I mean ughh ummmm ....... No I didn't ! * walks away hoping no body heard me

Zeppelin1969 5

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 6:40

Oh, so that's a bad thing… oops…

DryHumor 4

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 8:47

Ahh..Good ole glory hole.

SuperKnuckels 6

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Tuesday 3 January 2012 22:25

Houses need love too xD

Star928 7

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Sunday 12 August 2012 2:53

Obviously he was practicing..

xAttackAttackx 25

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Monday 26 December 2011 8:05

...how big was the hole?

Liimitless 6

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Monday 26 December 2011 8:47

It doesn't matter how big it is. The point is that we've found the fourth hole!!!

rummzy 6

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Monday 26 December 2011 9:39

Will the wonders never cease =p

Dekarian 7

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Monday 26 December 2011 9:43

37- Quagmire found it first.

howdmynosego 12

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Monday 26 December 2011 13:59

Op was nailing posters in

Liimitless 6

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Monday 26 December 2011 15:23

65- yeah your right actually. Damn.

ngarcia333 0

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Monday 26 December 2011 23:30

Gibbbitty gibbittty

cmack11 0

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 0:28

He was probably "plastered":)

desireev 17

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 2:24

116- it's actually "Giggity. Giggity."

coolsk8rdude 0

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 2:54

who cares?

TunechiXXL 0

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 5:15

116 - fail at your "attempted" joke

AlaskanEskimo34 0

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 10:30

Tool

fl0ffy 0

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 5:10

116, you need to learn young one.

arcticdoctorwho 0

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Monday 26 December 2011 8:06

Why do you have a hole in your wall?

jojimugo 20

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Monday 26 December 2011 8:27

Lol was wondering that myself

ast3150 13

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Monday 26 December 2011 11:08

Holy .....

silentbutfunny 0

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Monday 26 December 2011 20:02

Im.... Mind fucked....

nativepimp 1

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 1:38

Hey if we see a hole that Lines up perfectly with our dicks in our bedroom were going to try it at one point or another

Zeppelin1969 5

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 6:42

Well obviously because they havent fixed it.

AlaskanEskimo34 0

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 5:21

glory hole at its finest

The_Tool1 13

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Thursday 19 January 2012 3:00

What else would you have a hole in your wall for?

barrk12 8

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Monday 26 December 2011 8:06

How big was the hole?

greg84_fml 21

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Monday 26 December 2011 12:25

Check 39's post and you will know.

aaron21a 0

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 4:39

4- you have successfully copied what 2 said.....congrats

IAMYOURPINEAPPLE 9

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Monday 26 December 2011 8:07

Next time, go around to the other side and surprise him.

ariannaimelda 7

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Monday 26 December 2011 9:29

I like where this is going giggidy giggidy goo

chickenwalrus 14

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Monday 26 December 2011 19:39

saw this in a porn once.

GoW_Chick 14

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Monday 26 December 2011 8:09

He just misses his glory hole days

komania 6

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 7:18

Yeah, but wouldn't the insulating make his penis itch like crazy? Doesn't seem very glorious to me...

1221jamw 11

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Monday 26 December 2011 8:09

Maybe if you let him stick it in one of your holes he wouldn't have to use the wall now would he?

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Monday 26 December 2011 8:48

Ears.... No Nostrils........ No.. Under the toenails........... No..... Sorry I'm really bad at this.

1221jamw 11

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Monday 26 December 2011 8:50

Ugh sounds like last night.

1221jamw 11

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Monday 26 December 2011 8:55

This sounded funnier before I posted it

meant2luv 2

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Tuesday 27 December 2011 17:33

I was thinking the same thing :p

mom0_fml 0

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Monday 26 December 2011 8:09

just checking to make sure theres no rats!

Awesome58422599 19

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Wednesday 13 November 2013 15:54

imagine if there were

jworret 0

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Monday 26 December 2011 8:11

Sounds hot! I feel so gay right now...

jsm007 5

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Monday 26 December 2011 8:44

U should....

JadedJarOfHearts 3

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Monday 26 December 2011 8:13

I read this and laughed. Some fml's are great.