Animals: Today, I walked face first into a near-invisible spiderweb. There's...

By spiderlady - 21/09/2015 03:00 - United States

Today, I walked face first into a near-invisible spiderweb. There's nothing worse than the feeling of a spider web wrapped around your face. Except maybe the feeling of the spider that saw my screaming mouth as a good hiding spot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 935

You deserved it 2 160

Animals

Good kid

Kids these days…

What have you got yourself into?

Between a rock and a hard place

By Anonymous - 25/10/2021 04:59 - Canada - Enderby

Today, during sex, I was getting close to climax, which is unusual for me due to personal issues. However, I got a piercing headache and had to stop. I later found out my birth control can cause sex headaches and the best way to avoid them is to avoid orgasms. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 221

You deserved it 141

By IcedTaco - 13/07/2016 19:40 - Ukraine

Today, the guy I was dating told me he thought I was a good person. His reasoning? I'm not ugly enough to be a bad person, but I'm not pretty enough, either. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 598

You deserved it 859

By milkymoo - 30/05/2011 01:45 - Cyprus

Today, I was catching the bus to my new job. While waiting at the lights, I decided to play the staring game and ended up staring at a woman in the car next to the bus for ages, really creeping her out. It turns out she's my new boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 596

You deserved it 49 769

By Anonymous - 21/05/2010 00:54 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a pair of ankle weights for my birthday. How utterly romantic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 563

You deserved it 5 223

By Anonymous - 23/05/2015 03:44 - United States - Mountain View

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said she wanted to accept, but that she'd basically have to get her mom's permission first. Apparently the answer was no. The worst thing is that she really is this unhealthily dependent on her mom, and probably wasn't lying about needing her permission. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 883

You deserved it 3 381

By Anonymous - 29/04/2016 23:22 - United States - Houston

Today, I met my birth father for the first time. The first thing he told me was that if I ever get arrested, I should give him a call so his guys on the inside can look after me. I don't think there's going to be a second meeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 899

You deserved it 1 707

By RC - 25/10/2009 02:14 - United States

Today, my cousin and I were out on the boardwalk. I walked to the railing next to a man and said, "Great view isn't it?" Then I found out that the man was blind and had a seeing eye dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 268

You deserved it 10 421

By that girl - 08/04/2014 23:06 - United States - Bessemer

Today, I was feeling horny, so I told my boyfriend, who lives 30 minutes away, that "I really needed him". He replied, "Did you fall in the toilet again?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 154

You deserved it 12 594

By immovingout - 04/05/2013 17:46 - United States - Huntington Station

Today, I met my new roommate. She has a life-size cardboard cutout of Justin Bieber in her room, which I've seen her having actual conversations with twice already. I have to share a bedroom with this psycho. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 067

You deserved it 4 728

By Anonymous - 25/12/2011 08:09 - Canada

Today, my brother and I drove 3 hours to pick up our puppy. The woman we bought him from said not to put him in the cage for the ride home as he would pee for sure. She recommended I put him on my lap. Not only did he shit on the seat backing out of her driveway, he pissed on me an hour later. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 966

You deserved it 7 206

By Anonymous - 20/03/2016 02:05 - United States

Today, I told my husband that when I get my birth control taken out later this year, I would like to take a break from it for a while. He just said, "Condoms are too expensive and I don't want to waste $2 every time we do it." FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 946

You deserved it 2 607

By brannonjames - 10/05/2012 22:20 - United States

Today, I was getting coffee with my aunt, and she asked me to pay. She then turned to the Barista and said, "He's never had a girlfriend before, and I wanted to show him that they take your money." The Barista laughed so hard she had to excuse herself. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 335

You deserved it 2 328

By jesuscrip - 18/02/2016 06:08 - United States - Orrville

Today, working at a fast food restaurant, I saw a woman in her late thirties pull out some hair and put it in her food, then threaten to sue me and the restaurant. She also told me no one would believe me, a teenager, when I told her I saw her put it there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 678

You deserved it 1 445

Wild Child

By epic flash - 02/10/2017 20:00

Today, my daughter's quirkiness and eccentricities may have gone to a whole new level when her school faculty described her as "no stranger to LSD". She's 5. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 031

You deserved it 245

By mcpeepants - 08/01/2010 17:56 - United States

Today, I found out I've recently developed a bladder control issue. Every time I lift anything more than about fifteen pounds, I pee myself a little. I work in a warehouse. Heavy lifting is my job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 210

You deserved it 2 677

The best cat

By Nyxilia - 07/12/2019 17:00 - United Kingdom - Edgware

Today, I was woken up by my cat. Did he bite me? Meow to get fed? No, those are too common. He scratched my hole, and it was very exciting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 313

You deserved it 625

By sparkle - 31/01/2010 04:01 - United States

Today, I discovered that my roommate uses her Twitter account to complain about me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 812

You deserved it 5 807

Shot

By Anonymous - 20/11/2015 20:13 - United States - Las Vegas

Today, while driving home, I saw a cop with a speed gun "hidden" by the side of the road. I went to slow down so the fuck-knob wouldn't be able to ticket me. I then had a brain-fart and floored the gas instead of hitting the brakes. Hello speeding ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 013

You deserved it 29 538

By THATgirl - 26/01/2018 15:00

Today, our wedding venue canceled on us, leaving us 8 months to find another in peak foliage season. My parents contacted the local news over the ordeal, but they're using my name and picture to make me look like a whiny brat who didn’t get her way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 993

You deserved it 1 175

By Till We Pass Out - 03/10/2015 15:30 - United Kingdom - Halifax

Today, I was pushing so hard to take a number two that I ended up passing out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 610

You deserved it 5 272

By Anonymous - 22/12/2012 11:15 - Australia

Today, I had a look through my dad's girlfriend's phone she left on the table. Best part: I now know what I'm getting for christmas. Worst part: I now know my dad's favourite position. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 555

You deserved it 76 631

I'm an excellent driver

By Ashley Nichole Hinton - 12/05/2020 02:00

Today, my husband ran our car into a fence at work. He had to file an insurance claim, with a company we only just got with, and it's going to deplete the rest of our taxes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 328

You deserved it 130

By anonymous - 13/11/2015 00:00 - Netherlands

Today, my boyfriend rather stupidly assumed that because my vagina is no longer in use after giving birth, we would automatically start having anal sex. After I loudly explained how that wasn't happening, he then had the nerve to ask for a blowjob before we'd even left the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 174

You deserved it 3 911

This Is Us

By Anonymous - 04/11/2021 16:59

Today, I located my birth dad and asked him why I was put into care. Turns out my mom died, and since he hadn’t wanted me in the first place, he just gave me away and hoped to never see me again. He didn’t even invite me in, he threw a beer at me and threatened to call the cops unless I left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 313

You deserved it 179

By qwerty6 - 30/09/2009 06:17 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my birthday. I asked my mom that instead of a present if she would make a donation to my favourite charity. She said that this wasn't a "proper" present for a 15-year-old girl. Instead she got me a kettle because "ours had broke and you make the most tea in the family." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 277

You deserved it 5 499

By LoadingMeows - 23/09/2016 01:17 - United States

Today, I was written up. Too many customers complained that I don't wear makeup or do my hair. I got written up for being ugly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 792

You deserved it 1 890

By wahhh - 08/08/2011 11:07 - United Kingdom

Today, my neighbor from across the road phoned me at work telling me there was a fire engine outside my house and a lot of smoke. I drove home in a panic, smashing a rear light on a post and getting flashed by a speed camera. It wasn't my house. The firemen were putting out a bonfire next door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 790

You deserved it 6 591

By Anonymous - 11/08/2019 12:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my 7-year-old cousin has been having raging temper tantrums, added to an inability to tell the truth, and a disturbingly sociopathic nature. I'm pretty sure I'm seeing a psychopath in the making, and I'm stuck living here for 2 months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 565

You deserved it 215

By StewPit - 16/04/2009 19:44 - United States

Today, I was eating some left over Easter peanut MandMs at work, when I exclaimed "oh cool, they have E's on them for Easter". It took me a couple of minutes, but I eventually realized that I was looking at a regular MandM sideways. Definitely explains my coworkers' uncontrollable laughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 231

You deserved it 74 939

By AnnaWusHere - 03/09/2010 06:18 - United States

Today, my 72 year old Grandmother informed me she's running for mayor. She's been going around town with home made signs all day campaigning to win mayor. She lives in my town. My friend called me asking me if she was high. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 083

You deserved it 3 983

Mean meanie

By yeah uh huh - 15/06/2021 21:00 - United States

Today, my stepmother, an uncontrolled diabetic who refuses to change her abhorrent eating habits, berated me for how "mean" I am for limiting my kids’ junk food, and making them eat a portion of vegetables with every meal. Yeah, real mean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 965

You deserved it 56

By American idol - 06/04/2011 06:19

Today, I was at a local talent show and during a piano performance I had to go to the bathroom. I sang along in the bathroom but was unaware how loud I was until I walked out and everyone started applauding me while the pianist was still playing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 596

You deserved it 36 885

By IMSERIOUS - 22/01/2014 19:23 - United States - Anaheim

Today, I told my parents I was thinking about joining the army. They looked at each other and laughed for about 10 minutes straight. I wasn't joking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 927

You deserved it 5 789

By Quackers - 11/04/2012 15:39 - United States - Denver

Today, while running in the park, I noticed some ducks in a pond. I stopped to look at them and began quacking at them, to see if they would react. This would have been OK had I not been wearing ear-buds, blasting music, making me unable to realize just how loud I was quacking. With people all around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 489

You deserved it 37 201

By inked - 05/02/2012 05:54 - United States

Today, I showed off my new tattoo to my friends. Too bad it says "Walk Earless" now instead of "Walk Fearless." That's right, I'm now supporting Van Gogh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 349

You deserved it 31 163

Headshot

By Anonymous - 26/07/2021 14:01

Today, I was putting on my sweatpants and accidentally stepped on the elastic drawstring. I moved my foot. The string snapped upward with great speed and hit me in my open eye. My eyeball is not happy with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 752

You deserved it 89

Better safe

By stretchy - 06/05/2013 19:58 - United States - Bethesda

Today, my boyfriend forced me to do stretching exercises with him before and after sex as a "safety precaution". FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 527

You deserved it 9 307

By Erasmus - 27/10/2008 03:27 - France

Today, I went to a friend's wedding. I took stupid photos all day long and when came the moment that the bride entered the church, my battery died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 789

You deserved it 58 059

By Anonymous - 19/09/2011 02:16 - United States

Today, I went to evening Mass. I later found that sometime between entering the church and receiving Communion, someone had snatched my iPhone straight out of my handbag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 195

You deserved it 5 354

By kristine29 - 03/02/2010 16:06 - United States

Today, I went for a job interview I scheduled 3 weeks ago. I spent $200 on a new suit to really impress them and practised like crazy every imaginable question they could ask. They already had filled the position 2 weeks ago and forgot to inform me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 330

You deserved it 2 792

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Top comments

ididntdoitiswear 14

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Monday 21 September 2015 14:30

Everyone's worst nightmare oh god.

WitEluded 13

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Monday 21 September 2015 14:35

As bad as that experience was for you, imagine the FML written from the spider's perspective...

starlandmarie 22

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Monday 21 September 2015 14:29

So did you swallow it or spit it out?

xninix_fml 36

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Monday 21 September 2015 19:57

I'm guessing she spit it out. Who in the world would swallow a spider?

sampick5002 11

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Monday 21 September 2015 21:01

If they swallowed a fly

atrusion 15

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Tuesday 22 September 2015 5:49

What the fuck do you think, genius?

ididntdoitiswear 14

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Monday 21 September 2015 14:30

Everyone's worst nightmare oh god.

teapotrevolt 27

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Monday 21 September 2015 14:30

Oh god; that is so much NOPE. Found a spider in my mouth brushing my teeth. I feel for you OP. Traumatizing.

Arien 6

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Monday 21 September 2015 20:05

You found a spider in your mouth.. while brushing your teeth? How did you not find it before then? Or feel it? Or .. anything?

PhoenixChick 26

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Monday 21 September 2015 20:46

Sounds like the spider was trying to be helpful, if he was brushing your teeth for you.

jesterinperil 28

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Monday 21 September 2015 14:32

That's just out right bad luck. Keep your head held high, but not high enough to hit any more webs. FYL, OP

Chilled_Rambo 11

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Monday 21 September 2015 14:33

Everytime I've walked into a spider web I've always feared something like that would happen, sorry it happened to you OP!

UndeadFML 22

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Monday 21 September 2015 14:34

You could say things got a little, hairy.

HarshD9619 34

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Tuesday 22 September 2015 6:01

No.

WitEluded 13

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Monday 21 September 2015 14:35

As bad as that experience was for you, imagine the FML written from the spider's perspective...

HarshD9619 34

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Monday 21 September 2015 15:17

Today a huge ass human destroyed my home and then ate me. FML

HarshD9619 34

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Monday 21 September 2015 15:56

Today a huge ass human destroyed my home and then ate me. FML

Mightytall 35

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Monday 21 September 2015 16:03

Today, a giant thing squished my digs. As I went for cover in the nearest hole I landed in a damp, slimy mess and feel vibrations like a million bees got stuck in my net. Next thing I know the lights go out and I A: landed in a pile of slime on the ground, FML B: got swallowed and never see the light of day again, FML

jaspinkgrl01 18

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Monday 21 September 2015 16:27

Today, I was chillin on my web being spidery. It was a perfect web until some stupid human DESTROYED it and my peace. When I got scared I accidentally went into this persons mouth and died because it smelled so bad. FML