Health: Today, I visited my grandma. She offered me some chips in ziploc... - FML

By badeats - United States

Today, I visited my grandma. She offered me some chips in ziploc bag. I thought they were sour cream and onion chips from the look. They tasted funny, but I didn't want to be rude and I kept eating. I looked closer after a while and noticed that what I thought were chives was actually mold. FML

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Modern Family

Great quality control

I'm not lovin' it

By - France

Today, I am spending new year absolutely alone. My girlfriend canceled our plans the day before so she could spend it with alcohol and strangers. Somehow, I still love her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Nashville

Today, I've been single for so long, I got butterflies when I went on a date. A date with a character in Grand Theft Auto. FML

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By Tajjali Fatima - 13/9/2020 22:58

The X Factor

Today, I was singing in a terrible voice on purpose during a Zoom call from school, thinking I was on mute. I carried on, until a message saying, "The host has muted you" appeared on my screen. FML

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By madfather - United States

Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms for my girlfriend, Kim and I. I was in a rush and when I looked at the cashier realized it was her father. Nervous and hoping to reassure him, I go "don't worry, I'm not using these with Kim." That didn't help. FML

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By Hardsleeper - United States

Today, I learned that my car alarm only goes off if the car is unlocked a bit forcibly. Doesn't make a sound when some prick breaks the window out in the middle of the night to steal my cd player. FML

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By rastamerican - United States - San Jose

Today, at a red light, my mom started to tell me that she and my dad hadn't had sex in months, that they "probably won't bounce back from this one," and are most likely getting a divorce. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 2 year-old son decided to pee on the dog for the second day in a row. I'm afraid this will turn into a routine thing. FML

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By catlover - China

Today, our new cat, which my mum was hesitant about letting us keep because she believes they're diseased, gave us all ringworm. FML

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By Petergibbons - United States

Today, I realized I'd rather be constipated, sick, sit in long traffic lines and inadvertantly eat spoiled meat than spend another day at my shitty job. All things that happened to me today. FML

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By screwyouchris - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my boyfriend of two years told me that he sees no future with me. It's alright though, because he says we can still "coast along" until he meets someone else. FML

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By IllJustGetYouASweaterThen - United States

Today, I was called handsome. Too bad it was coming from a trashed homeless lady, who then went on to tell me that she likes my lips and wants to rape me. FML

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By funfettifirework - Philippines - Quezon City

Today, I almost got our office burned down by plugging the wrong charger into a laptop cooling fan. Tried to hide the incident and kept it casual but the smoke detector led it to my area and everyone knew I was the culprit. I'm a new hire too. FML

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By Jbug - United States - Stillwater

She moves quickly!

Today, my girlfriend found a teacher who taught her 10 years ago. He's a complete player, but she fell instantly and madly in love with him and kicked me to the curb. We dated for 3 years and lived together for two. I was fixing to propose in 2 weeks. FML

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By FreshFaced - United Kingdom

Today, I went into work for the first time without make-up. My boss thought I looked so tired and ill that he sent me home. FML

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By Ashley - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex for the first time when my 4 year old sister walked in. She thought we were making a dog pile, so just as soon as my boyfriend was about to finish, she jumped on his back. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went to a restaurant for lunch. I began to eat when I noticed a blond hair in my food. When that happened, I went up to the counter and began complaining about their hygiene. When the manager insisted no one that works there had long blond hair, I realized that it was my hair. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I told my mom that I was taking antidepressants because I hate myself. She said "That's not surprising. You hate everybody. And, you're kind of a bitch." FML

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By Kev

Today, after a number of other automotive misadventures, I tried to find out why my radiator fan decided to quit working. That's when my hood struts thought it would be a good time to give way. Now I have big bruise on my shoulder where the latch hit me. FML

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By Elmo - United States

Today, is my brothers 16th birthday. He got keys to the Lexus. I'm 18, have no car, and got pajama pants and chapstick for my birthday. FML

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By Anon.

Today, my dog died. We planned to get her cremated and keep the ashes. My sister put forward the idea of putting the ashes in our food so our dog can be "inside of us, always." She's completely serious. I'm scared to eat food from her now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized the closest I've ever been to being hit on was with a car in the school parking lot. Even then, the guy claimed he "didn't notice" me. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I went to an Honors Convocation for my school. I received a letter a few weeks earlier telling me I received an award. Surprised and proud, I invited my family to join me to see what award I was receiving. I couldn't find my name in the program. I was invited by mistake. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Evansville

Today, my parents gave me a sock and card for my eighteenth birthday. The card said, "Now that Dobby is free, get out." FML

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By aloneagainnaturally - Denmark - S?borg

Today, we were all put in groups to make a presentation together. And by "together" I mean I pulled an all nighter to finish it by myself. My group criticized my work. FML

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By ReallyNow - United States

Today, I got rear-ended while on my way to work. This wouldn't be so bad if I wasn't pregnant, suffering from a horrible UTI, and running a fever. My boss called in sick, so now I'm stuck running the office alone. With whiplash. FML

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By lizi - United Kingdom - Saint Andrews

Today, I accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to take my bra off. FML

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By ohcrap - United States

Today, I was shopping for clothes. I thought this guy was a mannequin because he was standing perfectly still. I poked him and he screamed like a girl. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a creepy girl from my class wouldn't stop texting me and trying to call me. In order to get her to stop, I texted back saying that I was at my mom's house for a family dinner. She replied, "No you're not. I can see you right now." FML

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By Anonymous - France

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on in a water park changing stall. A woman and a security guard barged in and angrily told us that there were children around. We were escorted out of the park wearing nothing but our swimsuits. FML

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By Tay - Australia

Today, while working as a receptionist at a health clinic a woman came to settle her account. Before she left, she held out her closed palm and asked if I could put something in the bin for her. I held out my hand and watched many bits of chewed fingernails land in my palm. FML

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By random875 - United States - Owings Mills

Today, I got stuck in an elevator. I called the fire department and told them where I was. They said they'd be right there and not to panic. It's hour 6. FML

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By NotTakenYet

Today, my mom said she ran into some old coworkers and they asked about me. She was surprised they remembered me, as we only met once. The reason they remembered me is because I fell down the stairs at their house when I was 11. That was 15 years ago. FML

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By What-_-

Today, my roommates keep opening my bedroom door to "let the WiFi out." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out the guy I've been crushing on for many years thinks he's a werewolf. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my husband blew all the candles on his birthday cake while I was taking a photo in front of him. I will probably never use cocoa powder to decorate a birthday cake anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Goole

Today, I was feeling really down, so I texted my boyfriend, hoping to get some emotional support. He texted me back twenty minutes later, asking for nude pictures. FML

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By itssomething - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, my closest encounter to having sex in the last four months was getting chlamydia from Russell Brand. In a dream. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, the guy I live with demanded that I get a job or start paying rent. It'd be perfectly reasonable, if he wasn't my husband, and if I hadn't just given birth to our first child. FML

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By deucelututi - United States

Today, while shopping in the FML store I bought the "Retro Sport Tee," I didn't notice you are supposed to put your own "FML" on the shirt. Mine says "Today, Your Text Here. FML." FML

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By SkiMaskFukd - United States

Today, I just realized the harder my girlfriend comes during sex, the louder she snores after. I've tried earplugs but sometimes, like tonight, once I am up, I can't fall back to sleep. My choices are thus great sex and no sleep, or great sleep but no sex. FML

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Top comments

By Dogmaw | 0

#330320 - Monday 22 June 2009 16:28

They say that Buddha died from eating spoiled meat the home of some Chinese peasants. He felt it would be rude and disrespectful not to eat what they had been kind enough to offer from their limited supplies.

If they make a statue of you, I am SO gonna rub your belly.

By meeeep | 0

#330253 - Monday 22 June 2009 16:15

your grandma hates you..

COMMENTS

By andyn | 0

#330209 - Monday 22 June 2009 16:09

mmm tasty

Reply

slatertheblob | 0

#330759 - Monday 22 June 2009 19:13

i comment on the first comment so many people see my comment
i thought id just point out the flaw in the system
once again your welcome fml

Reply

fmlAllStar7274 | 0

#331614 - Tuesday 23 June 2009 1:00

Yes, we all know the "flaw" in the system, cept this is only meant for people to actually RESPOND to what someone is saying.

And no, ur not helping ur being a total asshole who thinks that no one else realized this. -_-

FuCK oFF

Reply

spazzycre | 0

#333773 - Tuesday 23 June 2009 19:16

Wow. ew.

Reply

Heelix | 0

#334974 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 3:08

Wooo everyone can see my comment!

Yeh i once ate biscuits given by my GREAT grandma.... And they had 4 cockroaches in it!!

Reply

platypuscatrat | 0

#342880 - Friday 26 June 2009 17:22

YDI for visiting your grandmother.

Reply

kristen_lesli | 0

#921848 - Sunday 7 March 2010 16:20

"Today, I gave my grandchild chips that I had bought especially for this occasion. I guess they weren't very good, because I spent the next 5 hours scubbing puke out of my carpet. FML"

Reply

EmmaMarieCullen | 0

#974043 - Sunday 4 April 2010 19:55

actually me and my mom ate ritz crackers that had what we thought were vegitables but were actually ants and we ate like one of the packeges

Reply

JScherz28 | 4

#1304171 - Thursday 26 August 2010 19:03

nice one man

By buttercup707 | 0

#330211 - Monday 22 June 2009 16:09

ew

By iTony_fml | 0

#330217 - Monday 22 June 2009 16:10

Aww lol old people are funny FYL

By vooper | 0

#330219 - Monday 22 June 2009 16:11

At least it wasn't grandma fungus cream

By meeeep | 0

#330253 - Monday 22 June 2009 16:15

your grandma hates you..

By thebeefzoosher | 0

#330254 - Monday 22 June 2009 16:15

those chips could be sooo ancient.. probably should go see a doctor ASAP!!

FYL

By khax1696 | 0

#330263 - Monday 22 June 2009 16:17

hahahahahaha I feel so bad for you
I love old people :D

Reply

blushy | 14

#3888710 - Sunday 15 January 2012 20:33

lol shame, at least you were sweet to your grandma

By littlemisslee | 0

#330283 - Monday 22 June 2009 16:20

that is wrong. ick!!

By smiley_girl | 0

#330286 - Monday 22 June 2009 16:21

Thats happened to me to, who new stuff like twizzlers, and nilla wafers EVER expired.... all the good stuff at grandparents' house is. ARn't pld people great?! Haha

By kapay | 0

#330290 - Monday 22 June 2009 16:22

Semi-similar thing happened to me but not so bad. I went to my aunts house and she offered me a soda I didn't want. I was sipping at it because I wasn't thirsty and then she asks what's wrong? Is it spoiled? Not knowing what she was talking about I checked the expiration date when she turned around. It was two years expired.