By NotTheMomma - 22/07/2016 14:06
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Dude, just...no. If you think he's bad now, wait till you have to raise a kid with him. This might be a one off thing, but this blatant disregard of what you're going through? Seriously, save yourself the 10 years wasted, the stretched out divorce and the custody battle. Run, while you still can.
Actually, assuming that they DID agree to have a child together, and considering what she's went through, he is pretty damn awful to not be willing to have sex after the "hard work" of gaming. I've been a gamer all my life, and I was NEVER too lazy to have sex. This is a huge red flag, if nothing else.
Him not wanting a child would make him seem worse. Assuming he knows all of what op is going through, he let her go through it all and stress knowing he's going to try to avoid it and is leading her on. And even if he does want one it's pretty inconsiderate, OP's obviously really wanting a child and is trying to set it all up..only for him to play games enough to tire himself out?
I don't think that him not wanting sex is the issue. The issue is she's done all these things and he's completely disregarding all of it. It's not like she just said she wanted sex and he said no. She went through all of this and he apparently doesn't care. If she did all these tests and everything, it's pretty safe to assume they've talked about it and he knows what she's been doing. These are pretty obvious things.
#40, Yes, there would be "Dudes" saying "She's not obligated to have sex" in that sort of situation. And they're right - nobody is obligated to have sex with someone else. But, you know what? Nobody is obligated to stay married to someone who isn't willing to have sex with them, either. That sword cuts both ways.
Are you high? Just because her husband is tired doesn't mean he'll be bad with everything. If anything op has found a man that doesnt find sex as the most important thing in a relationship, which means a lower divorce chance. You need to stop being sexist and ignorant.
I don't think there is a double standard. The key word is ovulation. It doesn't wait till you are not tired or in the mood and chances to get pregnant are highest during it. Assuming they have agreed to have child, both parties should do all they can. Being tired because of gaming is lame excuse; and why is everyone assuming she's not tired?
Really it all depends on if she was keeping him in the loop about her ovulation. Either way, she's going to know the best day to do it on so she's going to be able to be ready for it (and not do things that would make her tired on that day). If she did tell the husband at least a few days in advance then he really has no excuse, but if she just sprung it on him out of nowhere then he does.
I think all you ppl saying "sexist" must really not get the picture, what it takes to get pregnant... We DO have to make a lot of assumptions, obviously, but assuming he agreed to get pregnant, otherwise she'd be stupid to go through all that, you have an understanding that you may have to have sex on a scheduled date. If he's not involved enough to know when her ovulation date is, he may not want a kid or he's not going to be an involved dad... If you've never TRIED to get pregnant, you should probably keep your ignorance to yourself. :)
I still do not see how turning down sex 1 time makes this guy a monster. I understand that we all assume the OP was ovulating and that not conceiving by the time she's done means they'll have to wait another month but that's not really a big deal. There are 5 - 7 days prior to ovulation that sex can result in pregnancy. So if they took advantage of that time and her husband said no to her once then it isn't a big deal. If for some reason this was the only time they attempted to have sex while she was able to get pregnant then it seems like the issue is on both of them for either not understand when she can get pregnant or having to hectic of schedules that this was the only opportunity. If this wasn't her only attempt and the husband keeps saying no then it does seem like something is going on that they need to discuss.
I think it depends more on context. Does the dude even want to be a father? Not his fault if not, but that could in a way make him a bad choice for a parenting partner and is often a deal-breaker in relationships. However that's something they should have discussed before getting married. Secondly, did he know she was ovulating? Had he known, he may have been more careful about energy-spending. If he did know though...I STILL don't think he should force himself to have sex with her in this situation. However I DO think that if he knew sex was scheduled that night/agreed to kids/knew all OP went through...it was extremely inconsiderate to play games to the point of exhaustion. Not divorce-worthy, but perhaps a talk. It's not about "forcing" yourself to do something; it's about preparing yourself so that you can actually enjoy it rather than seeing it as a chore. For example, say an energy-consuming date is planned with my SO. If I am really not feeling up to it, I expect him to accept that. However in return, I always make sure to get sleep the night before so that I am rested and pleasant to be with. It's my way of being considerate to the efforts he's put to plan the date, and a way to prioritize him. So my suggestion to OP is before doing anything rash, have a good long talk with your husband about priorities and effort. Then depending on what he says/does, you can choose your next move. Good luck!
You might want to consider if he'd be a good parent after all, OP. You might be raising this baby on your own if he doesn't step up to the plate, and that's not something to take lightly. If it means that much to you, then I wish you luck as long as you know the situation you're walking into. Of course, it's very possible that the reason he doesn't want to have sex is because he doesn't want a child right now. That's probably the first conversation you should be having. Either way, congrats on becoming a healthier you. :)
Hate to tell you this, but he probably doesn't actually want a kid. And even if he does, you probably don't want to have a kid with *him*, all things considered.
Signs he's probably a bad father if he won't even do one thing for you
They're not parents yet. Saying no to sex once doesn't make anyone a parent at all. The guy saying no to sex shows he is unwilling to help get his wife pregnant to become a mother. Being tired after gaming is a weak excuse compared to the things that OP has done to try to become pregnant. What sucks more is that OP is married to that guy who isn't committed like her to having a child.
It may be weak compared to the things OP put herself through, but OP putting herself through them isn't going to magically make him have energy on this one particular night. If he's too tired, then he's too tired. Nothing either party can do about that. And being too tired on one night regardless of what the other party has done does not make someone a bad person/parent. Now if he's actually been tired most of the time or just trying to get out of sex then they need to have a talk. And if OP put herself through all that before even talking about it with her husband then she kinda deserves it for expecting her husband to bow to her every whim just because of what she's done to herself.
There would still be a double standard there. Husband wants kid, wife doesn't = husband should respect her decision. Wife wants kid, husband doesn't = husband is a bad person/parent/whatever. Now given the FML I would assume/hope that they already had a conversation about it, and both agreed they want kids. That still wouldn't change the fact that the husband is just too tired or not in the mood for sex on this one particular night.
Regardless of who it is, one person wanting a child and the other not can cause serious problems in a relationship. Yes, the decision should be respected, but if you really want kids and your significant other does not, then you should probably rethink the relationship.
All I meant by it is that if she is going through all of this, then most likely they already talked about having kids. If he doesn't appreciate all of the pain and whatnot that she is going through, and can't even help once when he is needed, then it's not a good sign. OP, best of luck to you. No double standard here.
Sounds like he is putting off parenthood or maybe he real is just tired. Either way, I wouldn't push him too much, but definitely stand your ground. It isn't fair that you've worked hard and he is basically denying you of a baby, that he knows you would like to have! Good luck Op :D
I hate to be this person, but having a child is a joint decision. Yes, your husband has only "one thing to do" in this whole process, and yes, you've done x, y, and z to reach a point where your body is capable of harboring a child. But have you actually talked to him about HIS desire to become a parent? Or did you just put all this work in and expect your husband to magically want a kid too? To me, his excuse sounds like his way of trying to work around this because he's not sure he wants what you do. Perhaps you need to sit down with him and work this out before you send him through the process of becoming a patent as well.