Today, I turned on my ceiling fan for the first time in months....

By Oops - 2/5/2016 04:21

Today, I turned on my ceiling fan for the first time in months. I then watched as hundreds of furry spiders were flung across the room at high speed, in a circular pattern. FML

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Animals

Big baby man

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Trust

By Monkeyspank - 26/1/2017 22:00

Today, my sister decided that it would be a great idea to give my almost two-year-old son some strong black coffee. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/1/2011 04:05 - Canada

Today, my parrot won't stop repeating my boyfriend's name. The problem is we broke up days ago and my parrot won't shut up. FML

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By offended - 7/4/2009 06:15 - United States

Today, I was putting the finishing touches on my portrait of a young boy in art class. I asked my teacher if she could help correct the bad parts of my portrait. She said, "Well that would take all day and I just don't have the time." She was serious. I thought this was my best work yet. FML

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By maxthomkell - 25/5/2016 03:51 - United States

Today, my AP government teacher moved our seats and of course, I was seated next to my ex who has harassed me ever since our breakup. When I asked the teacher after class if I could please have a seat change, she told me I would have to write a 3-page essay on why I made the request. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2011 14:51 - Ireland

Today, I gave a safe sex speech to teens at my local high school. This was just ten minutes after my girlfriend had texted me, telling me she's pregnant. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2015 17:08 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while I was fitting an elderly gentleman for a suit, he muttered all too loudly that he'd give his left nut for a reacharound. FML

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By CASH_NoMOMEY - 7/5/2015 05:12 - United States - Windsor

Today, my main source of income is finding money on the ground. FML

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By Username - 19/6/2011 09:51 - Australia

Today, I saw myself on the news. I was one of the random passers by they had filmed for their story on the "Fat Epidemic." FML

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By Beth - 13/4/2012 14:12 - Australia - Perth

Today, my fiancé's mother tried to arrange a marriage for him to a nice Indian girl, again. We've been engaged for a year, and the wedding is in a month. FML

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By trashcanned - 6/4/2009 11:47 - United States

Today, it was really windy and rainy causing me to trip and knock into a little kid. While still gathering myself, I apologized and patted the kid on its' head. Then I see people around me starting to laugh. I turn and look at the kid, and discover I've been interacting with a trash can. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2010 17:15 - Estonia

Today, I stole a bite of my boyfriend's hamburger. He threw a fit, saying I took too big a bite and I had to replace it with a new, more expensive one. Afterwards, he said how lucky I was he didn't break up with me then and there. FML

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By fml - 22/5/2012 23:54 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I saw a psychiatrist for the first time. He asked me what had brought me there, so I said I needed to get over some issues. He told me to close my eyes and visualize myself constructing a bridge. I paid to get told to build a bridge in my mind's eye. FML

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By ohhelllllno - 20/4/2009 10:05 - Canada

Today, the $300 ring my boyfriend gave me for my birthday slipped off my finger... into the toilet. I had to sift through my own poo to get it back. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2011 01:11 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife was having sex with my friend. It turned out that my genius cat realized it wasn't me there and attacked his balls, severely cutting them. I now have to kill my cat and pay for his medical bills to sew his balls back. FML

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By cosmonaut - 7/8/2009 09:18 - New Zealand

Today, at work I noticed that the last of my pencils had been taken from my desk. I assumed it was the coworker who I've talked to at least ten times regarding taking my stationery. I approached her and, feeling brave, yelled at her in front of the entire office. I was holding the pencil. FML

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By SucksToBeMe - 28/9/2009 18:31 - United States

Today, I had a meeting with the CEO about a promising job with good pay and benefits. Upon meeting, we immediately recognized each other. He was someone I used to make fun of in school all the time. He responded by refusing to interview me and had security throw me out by force. Karma bites. FML

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By John-John - 6/3/2017 15:00 - United States - Jackson

Today, I got break-up text. She called me a poor, broke, little dick, sorry excuse for a man and said that my mom should have swallowed me "as an egg". She also said that no one could ever want me. Thing is, I haven't had a girlfriend in 2 years. FML

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By ShylaMarie - 14/2/2012 22:29 - Canada

Today, I had to chase my naked brothers around my house for twenty minutes, trying to get them to take a bath, all while they were chasing my best friend around yelling, "IT'S WIENER TIME!" FML

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By shanti - 16/2/2014 17:30

Today, my husband cracked a "rectum? damn near killed him" joke at my grandfather's funeral. He had genuinely spoken without thinking, but his quick gasp and "Oh shit" sounded quite sarcastic. We were both kicked out. My family thinks I put him up to the whole thing. FML

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By me - 11/11/2015 17:10 - United States - Providence

Today, my girlfriend informed me that we aren't officially dating until she changes her relationship status. We've been "dating" for 3 months. FML

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By heallven - 31/1/2013 12:26 - France - Ostricourt

Today, my loyalty and regularity at my local pizza place were noticed. The delivery guy, when bringing yet another order, asked me if the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles were living with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/5/2012 18:47 - United Kingdom - Barry

Today, I had to sneak out of work to get my daughter from her school. Apparently, she had thought that hurling a bowling ball down the stairs during the lunch hour rush would make her cool. In actual fact, it made her expelled. FML

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By aintgotnoteeth - 19/7/2016 17:53

Today, after 6 dentist visits, 2 root canals, and $1,500 that I'll likely have to sell vital organs to pay, the agonizing tooth pain I've had for months is unrelenting. Apparently, shrugging and offering to experimentally yank all my bottom teeth is my smurf-shit of a dentist's actual plan. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2013 22:39 - United Kingdom

Today, I asked my husband to try a little foreplay for once, instead of just rushing into sex. His idea of foreplay was to sweetly whisper that he was going to "penis" me so hard. That's the first time I've heard the word "penis" used as a verb, and hopefully the last. FML

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By TooShortToCleanThat - 20/3/2015 03:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to show off one of his favorite skills: Peeing on my ceiling. FML

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By too tight - 15/2/2012 11:26 - United States

Today, in a rush to get ready, I put on some "sexy" panties that I bought years ago. By the second hour of work, they were so tight and uncomfortable, I had to cut slits up the sides to avoid cutting off the circulation to my legs. FML

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By Crushed - 4/11/2016 14:23

Today, the girl I've had a crush on for months invited me on a group hiking trip this weekend so that she won't be the most out of shape person on the trail. FML

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By steph - 31/10/2008 07:11 - France

Today, my ex-girlfriend told me that she can't live without me, but she has another boyfriend. FML

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By Sissy - 6/12/2009 00:04 - United States

Today, I was standing in a long line at the Post Office when my 3 year old son starts rubbing up and down my leg. I asked him what he was doing and he said loudly. "I'm humping you like Simon humps me!" Everyone looks at me in shocked horror. Simon is our dog. FML

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By Lindsay - 7/2/2011 17:41 - United States

Today, I flirted with a guy for ten minutes before realizing I was sitting between him and his girlfriend. FML

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By Sergie - 4/6/2010 09:28 - Ireland

Today, I was getting ready for my first day at work. Right before leaving the house I decided to brush my teeth thoroughly one more time to have a fresh breath. While cleaning my tongue I went too far which made me throw up. I was 20 min late for my work. Good start. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2015 18:31 - United States - Springfield

Today, I went on a blind date with a friend of a friend. It went okay, so we exchanged numbers. An hour later, he started messaging me, asking for pictures of my poop. What.. the... hell? FML

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By nothingdoes - 27/10/2010 17:59 - United States

Today, my dad asked me for a word that rhymes with vagina. He was filling out an anniversary card for my mom. FML

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By transcendingnerd - 13/4/2015 10:46 - Philippines - Makati

Today, I heard my 2-year-old sister crying, so I left my room to comfort her. She looked at me, held my hand, escorted me back to my room and closed the door. FML

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By CatCreator - 11/10/2019 14:00

Making a Murderer

Today, my 8-year-old son eagerly showed me a PowerPoint he made. It consisted of REALLY graphic and gory descriptions of a guy getting murdered, complete with pictures from the internet. He was laughing the whole time he was showing me this, and even set one of the images as his desktop background. FML

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By snoozlagist - 30/10/2010 04:52 - United States

Today, while on the bus, I began to fall asleep. Suddenly, a man next to me started laughing very loudly, scaring me and jolting me out from my nap. I was so scared, I reflexively punched the girl in front of me in the face. I was pinned down by three other men while the cops were called. FML

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By Hungrytoothbrush - 7/3/2012 22:07 - United States

Today, I spat up blood and had horrible chest pain. My mom still made me go to school, claiming she needed to take the cat to the vet instead of me to the doctor. FML

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By booger - 18/7/2013 07:41 - United States - Plano

Today, while lying in bed, my boyfriend began to stroke my nose. "You can pick your girlfriend, but you can't pick your girlfriend's nose," I said playfully. In response, he shouted "Yes, I can!" before painfully jamming his pinky up my left nostril. FML

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By Sean - 7/9/2013 08:22 - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I found out my kids only remember my birthday because it's the password on the iPad. FML

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By author - 15/2/2014 02:28 - United States - Sicklerville

Today, I was at the fish store asking if they were hiring. My stepdad decided to humiliate me by screaming at them repeatedly that I'm a good person and that I deserve the job. FML

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Top comments

By UnicornWaffles | 23

#6594822 - Monday 2 May 2016 18:04

BURN THE PLACE and wash yourself with holy water

By sheaboy121 | 6

#6594824 - Monday 2 May 2016 18:08

I think Amazon sells flamethrowers....

Comments

By UnicornWaffles | 23

#6594822 - Monday 2 May 2016 18:04

BURN THE PLACE and wash yourself with holy water

By sheaboy121 | 6

#6594824 - Monday 2 May 2016 18:08

I think Amazon sells flamethrowers....

youdontsay123456 | 21

#6595362 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 2:39

They actually do just searched it up! It comes also in a lovely pocket sized edition too!

By Darkmagic666 | 9

#6594826 - Monday 2 May 2016 18:08

The ninth circle of hell

By MegasaurusRex89 | 28

#6594831 - Monday 2 May 2016 18:13

Just pretend you're in Charlotte's Web. Her babies were adorable!

sidpool912 | 14

#6595225 - Monday 2 May 2016 23:48

I don't think these spiders are babies

By madscientist_17 | 15

#6594857 - Monday 2 May 2016 18:30

Nope nope nope nope nope.

MasterTron | 24

#6594936 - Monday 2 May 2016 19:31

All aboard the nope train going to nopeville

MidnightRose2015 | 3

#6595383 - Tuesday 3 May 2016 3:12

So much NOPE!!!!! I'd be running screaming for my guy (who also hates spiders) to hide with me

By Chrysic | 20

#6594885 - Monday 2 May 2016 18:47

Ya know, Mars isn't too bad of a place to live

By unadultfangirl | 20

#6594898 - Monday 2 May 2016 18:58

Time to burn your house down, darling.

By igive | 28

#6594908 - Monday 2 May 2016 19:09

Like Charlotte's web! only the spiders aren't leaving anytime soon.

By ThrottleJockey | 34

#6594915 - Monday 2 May 2016 19:14

Sounds like Circ de sol hell no!

By coatl45 | 11

#6594938 - Monday 2 May 2016 19:31

Fuk it! I'm goin' to Alaska!

MasterTron | 24

#6594939 - Monday 2 May 2016 19:33

We have spiders up here too

wow2mylife | 25

#6594998 - Monday 2 May 2016 20:11

My grandma lived in Alaska like the south she said there were tons of big spiders

Guy1009 | 15

#6595023 - Monday 2 May 2016 20:30

OP, are you trying to reference Doug Dimmadome?