Today, I tried to jump between the train doors to make it in... - FML

By Icey_dan1 - 10/10/2010 15:16 - France

Today, I tried to jump between the train doors to make it in on time. And missed. FML

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Work name

Vultures

Don't give up

By James - 30/3/2012 18:44 - United States

Today, my eleven year old daughter called me a moron, after I told her she was dead wrong when she claimed that rabbits lay eggs. FML

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By mummer11 - 15/11/2013 17:49 - Ireland

Today, my mum staggered home, piss drunk. When I tried to walk her to her room, she shoved me away and cursed at me for being a "goody two-shoes". She then slurred "I fucked your mum", and informed me that my mum is a skank. That's good to know, mum. FML

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By Kylene - 23/4/2009 19:51 - United States

Today, I had an interview for a job in a professor's lab. He seemed like a really nice, grandfatherly old guy. We got up to go take a look around the lab, and he held out his arms really wide to me... so I went in for a hug. Turns out he was just gesturing for me to go through the door first. FML

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By beccaj_ilh - 6/9/2009 15:04 - United Kingdom

Today, while I was working in a bar, a very fat drunk guy kept flirting with me. He assumed I liked him because I kept blushing. I didn’t. It’s just been so long since anyone flirted with me that I apparently now cannot control my reactions if a man talks to me. FML

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By Lola - 23/7/2012 04:31

Today, my boyfriend bought us three kittens. Today, I also discovered that I am allergic to cats. My boyfriend broke up with me because he wanted the cats more than me. FML

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By JustSayNo - 11/8/2013 23:23 - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, I found out why my doctor told me not to mix pain killers with alcohol when I was told that last night I tried to convince a group of teenage tourists that I was one of the nitwits from One Direction, and then got miffed when they laughed at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2013 18:27 - United States - New Orleans

Today, after scouring my apartment for quarters to do laundry, I found the correct amount of change. The change got jammed in the washing machine. I now have no more quarters, and my clothes are caked with soap from washing them in the sink. FML

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By Goblin Girl - 1/8/2012 05:46 - United States - Katy

Today, a coworker informed me that she thinks I may be descended from a race of goblins, because of my squat stature, ugly face and hairy arms. She was being completely serious. FML

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By me - 7/9/2011 23:53 - United States

Today, I missed my bus, so I walked home in the rain from school, only to realize my mom had been following me the whole time in the car, laughing her ass off. FML

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By queenbee12345678 - 19/2/2012 19:29 - United States

Today, I accidentally left my cell phone at the restaurant. When I realized my mistake, I went back to see if anyone had found it. They said no, so I gave them my number to call if it turned up. I realized later that I'd given them my cell phone number. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2015 17:47 - Ireland

Today, my girlfriend wanted to roleplay as a schoolgirl. I was excited, until we started and she asked me to lick her "vajayjay". I cringed so hard, my skull practically caved in. I broke down laughing while trying to explain my cringing. Now she's pissed and I'm blue-balled. FML

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By Violet - 19/4/2011 09:50 - Australia

Today, I realised that what I had thought was my dad's default state for the past 17 years is actually his drunken state. FML

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By only1bigdogme - 3/9/2011 05:24 - United States

Today, I tried to scare a new college friend by sneaking up behind her wearing a mask. It worked. And so did her lightning fast reflexes developed from multiple martial arts championships. My 2 cracked ribs, broken nose and bruised ballsack can now be added to her list of achievements. FML

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By notyouraverageteenager - 10/6/2010 07:06 - Australia

Today, I bought an expensive dress because it was me and my boyfriend's one year anniversary, and he was taking me somewhere nice. When he saw me in the dress, he looked at me, laughed and said, "Seriously, what are you wearing?" FML

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By Massasam - 11/10/2011 20:53 - United States

Today, I was late for work. Trying to cut a few seconds off the clock, I tried to open my breakfast candy bar while taking a piss. I ended up pissing all over myself and dropping the bar in the toilet. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2011 04:04 - United States

Today, while going to work, I was mugged. On the way back, I was mugged. FML

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By viabbey - 24/8/2019 16:00 - United States - Cadillac

Today, after waking up in a panic since I slept through my alarm, I hurriedly got ready and started speeding to work. On the way, I texted my boss to apologize for running late. His response? "It's Saturday." FML

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By srhoa01 - 5/7/2016 06:42

Today, while at school, some jerk shot me in the foot with a BB gun. While in agonizing pain, I yelled, "FUCK" as loud as possible. A teacher walked by, oblivious to the fact I had just been shot with a BB gun and wrote me up for, "Disrespectful language". FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2013 07:08 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I came home after working on a difficult case. My husband wasn't home so I hopped into bed. My feet felt something and I reached down and picked it up out of the sheets. It was lacy black thongs. I don't own black thongs. FML

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By shadowmuppet - 31/3/2017 20:00 - United States - Bronx

Today, I learned the joy of getting a brand new leather jacket and then watching my date drunkenly throw up all over my arm. FML

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By Conner Johnson - 28/11/2017 05:00

The Customer Is Clueless

Today, a customer walked up to me with a dog toy and said, "I knew one-stop shopping was a thing, but I didn't know you guys carried dildos." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2019 22:00 - United States

Today, I had a rubber band around my wrist for too long, and it ended up leaving faint red marks around my wrist. My mom saw them, thought they were scars, and is now convinced I'm a cutter, "like the ones I've seen on the news," and won't believe my story. FML

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By Sad_homeowners - 20/10/2016 15:45 - United States - Pierre

Today, I'm still not living in the house I fought so hard to buy three months ago. As I was fixing a hole in the wall, I found black mold covering the back side of my drywall. On every wall. I can't afford to fix it. FML

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By boo - 17/11/2014 03:07 - United States - Gainesville

Today, I'm old enough to be looking at houses to buy, but not old enough to get past the idea that they might be affordable because they're haunted. FML

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By Erasmus - 27/10/2008 03:27 - France

Today, I went to a friend's wedding. I took stupid photos all day long and when came the moment that the bride entered the church, my battery died. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2014 16:16 - United States - Port Lavaca

Today, it's been three weeks since my dad finished growing what he calls a "Jesus beard" and gone out asking for donations and claiming to be Jesus Christ. I've been trying and failing to get a job for 2 years, and he's already raking in cash from gullible idiots. FML

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By Tytonic - 2/2/2016 22:25 - United States - Washington

Today, I took a few Advil. They weren't Advil. My dad mixed the containers and I have no idea what I just took. FML

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By unfortunate - 9/6/2009 23:12 - United States

Today, I was late to work and couldn't get my gas tank open. Panicking, I asked the only person around to help me who happened to be a very large man. He was able to open it for me and seemed really nice. That is until he pulled out a knife and robbed me. FML

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By wookieewhosshe - 19/6/2019 21:13

Today, my parents were helping me move flats. The only box to spring open was the box containing condoms and copious amounts of napkins for clean up. They spilled all over the road as my dad was carrying it. My mum picked them up. FML

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By Dang-ItsDanielle - 7/3/2009 18:28 - United States

Today, I was pushing my 4 year old on the swing. I did what we call our "under doggie push": I throw her up in the air while I run underneath her before she hits me coming back down. I walked away to get my water and she yelled across the park "Can we do it doggie-style again?" FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2011 18:47 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to explain to my friend why it's inappropriate to conduct a phone conversation while simultaneously eating a bagel, listening to music, and taking a shit. FML

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By bored - 27/11/2012 18:05 - United States

Today, I've now worked on Thanksgiving, Black Friday, the weekend after that, and two days this week. My husband and son have had all that time off, and yet I've still ended up having to clean the dishes and the house after them on all of these days. FML

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By IhadToTakeCareOfTraumatizedFish - 3/3/2016 05:32 - United States - Iowa Park

Today, while I was working at a sushi restaurant, a guy told me he wanted the table next to the "koi fish tank", because he wanted to let the fish know what happens when they "cross him". FML

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By danyelicindereli - 29/5/2009 03:41 - United States

Today, I was standing around looking out the window at work when it became really dark and windy and started to pour. I watched a shopping cart fly across the parking lot thinking how funny it'd be if it hit someone's car. It hit mine. I need a new headlight. FML

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By Rants - 1/5/2019 16:00

Today, we've had some auditors with us and I chat with some of them during the day. It's Friday so I asked one of them until what time they were working. It was late and I loudly exclaimed, "That's so late! Your bosses have no hearts!" The auditor then points to their table where the boss is sitting. Glaring. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/12/2010 07:02 - United States

Today, I was in the middle of enjoying a really good book while in a waiting room. Someone saw what I was reading and thought it would be cool if she leaned over and told me everything that happens. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2009 04:02 - United States

Today, my family and I were coming back from a trip to the US. As we reached the border patrol we realized that we were one passport short. The border patrol lectured us for 30 minutes about how irresponsible we were for not realizing that they had forgotten to give us one of our passports back. FML

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By oceangirl - 8/2/2012 00:14 - United States

Today, I texted my flatmate to ask him when he would be paying his portion of the rent, since he has told me he would be late this month. He wrote back to inform me that he had moved out last night while I was away, and that he won't be paying me anything. FML

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By Escape! - 3/2/2009 21:38 - United States

Today, I walked in on my porn addicted roommate watching a gynecologist exam online. He asked me to watch it with him. FML

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By NoColor - 29/10/2014 13:09 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my little sister decided to color-in my favorite black-and-white comic book. It was worth over $200. When I told my mother, she said, "Oh that old thing? I thought it was a stupid coloring book you were too stupid to color." FML

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Top comments

By mrahhhhh | 19

#1528425 - Sunday 10 October 2010 19:43

#1: Why are you late for work?
#2: I missed my train and had to patiently wait for the next one.
#1: Don't let it happen again.

Alternatively...
#1: Why are you late for work?
#2: I almost died from hitting a train will trying to catch it by jumping through closing doors.
#1: ... Get the hell out.

By LexSwift | 17

#1528245 - Sunday 10 October 2010 19:03

Wait. I don't get it... lol

Comments

By warpig182 | 0

#1528239 - Sunday 10 October 2010 19:02

LAST

Reply

MAGNAVOX | 0

#1528302 - Sunday 10 October 2010 19:17

*You're
* fucking
* retarded
Says the person who has grammar problems.

Reply

boratt | 0

#1528434 - Sunday 10 October 2010 19:44

^ win

Reply

JillianlikesVogu | 0

#1528505 - Sunday 10 October 2010 20:04

Wow...how can someone spell 'retarded' wrong? Hypocisy on so many levels.

Reply

KingDingALing | 9

#1528529 - Sunday 10 October 2010 20:13

1- No, you're the one who is retarded.

Reply

ChrisSG | 0

#1528643 - Sunday 10 October 2010 20:51

I lol'ed @ this..

Reply

TRACKGiRLJONNi | 0

#1528669 - Sunday 10 October 2010 21:02

even though you're alive... that deserves a Darwin.

Reply

I_iz_B_a_troll | 23

#1528731 - Sunday 10 October 2010 21:29

59, hippocracky?

Reply

rallets | 22

#1530367 - Monday 11 October 2010 4:05

hiphopapotamus?

Reply

zp5 | 4

#1530390 - Monday 11 October 2010 4:07

87 you mad?

Reply

GeekMaster6000 | 3

#1531993 - Monday 11 October 2010 9:47

To be honest, I think you'd have to be retarded to have the train in your sites, and just give up on catching it.

Reply

bibilovesu | 0

#1532015 - Monday 11 October 2010 9:51

haha that was amazing ^ win

Reply

bibilovesu | 0

#1532023 - Monday 11 October 2010 9:52

o fail that was at #54

By Magick | 0

#1528243 - Sunday 10 October 2010 19:03

Lmao indeed yu are

Reply

cole86 | 0

#1528327 - Sunday 10 October 2010 19:19

Jew jitsu!

Reply

sourgirl101 | 28

#1528502 - Sunday 10 October 2010 20:03

Geometry

Gee•I'm•a•tree

Reply

john7h567hgrd | 0

#1529066 - Monday 11 October 2010 0:19

so you missed the door... and hit the side of the train?

Reply

cole86 | 0

#1529558 - Monday 11 October 2010 2:22

how'd I get moderated? all I said was Jew Jitsu?

Reply

myknewverr | 0

#1531888 - Monday 11 October 2010 9:35

hahaha epic!

Reply

hellomynameisada | 0

#1536476 - Tuesday 12 October 2010 7:29

r nt u dead?

By LexSwift | 17

#1528245 - Sunday 10 October 2010 19:03

Wait. I don't get it... lol

Reply

KayBizz | 0

#1528349 - Sunday 10 October 2010 19:22

I think he just slammed into the door itself

By warpig182 | 0

#1528250 - Sunday 10 October 2010 19:05

LAST

By Lounia_fml | 8

#1528252 - Sunday 10 October 2010 19:06

Shouldn't you be dead?

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#1528444 - Sunday 10 October 2010 19:47

it's actually not that bad, you get jammed between the doors and enjoy the ride as your clothes get dirty.

Reply

hypezster | 0

#1528468 - Sunday 10 October 2010 19:55

no when he ran he hit the doors when it was close - also people do this all the time this is not a fml

Reply

5t3ff1k4h | 44

#1528494 - Sunday 10 October 2010 20:02

No. The train didn't run over him. He just missed and probably fell as the train pulled away.

Reply

azhein | 0

#1528655 - Sunday 10 October 2010 20:56

I don't think the train was moving yet I think the doors just shut before he could get in

Reply

5t3ff1k4h | 44

#1528873 - Sunday 10 October 2010 22:25

True enough. Though, OP still wouldn't be dead.

Reply

KiddNYC1O | 20

#1528983 - Sunday 10 October 2010 23:14

What did 31 say?

By metallicatime | 0

#1528254 - Sunday 10 October 2010 19:07

don't be an Asian and push as many people as possible in

Reply

thikimo | 0

#1528273 - Sunday 10 October 2010 19:11

you should see Japan..

By Lifeisntfair13 | 0

#1528277 - Sunday 10 October 2010 19:12

wait I don't get it! did you get squashed? you would be dead! did you fall ?

By Pain_and_Misery | 0

#1528279 - Sunday 10 October 2010 19:12

Wow that sucks

By sam_08_fml | 0

#1528283 - Sunday 10 October 2010 19:13

Im confused what happened after u missed??

By whcwtexan | 0

#1528289 - Sunday 10 October 2010 19:14

YDI for being a dumbass...