Health: Today, I tried to explain autism to my classmates. One of them,... - FML

By Ishikur - 03/02/2016 13:33 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I tried to explain autism to my classmates. One of them, a professional cunt who's always looking for an excuse to lecture people, accused me of being "ableist" because my explanations weren't accurate, and said I shouldn't explain things I don't understand. I'm actually autistic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 424

You deserved it 1 624

You tried

Thanks for the heads up

Clean up in aisle 3 please

By SkiMaskFukd - 07/05/2010 13:25 - United States

Spicy

Today, I just realized the harder my girlfriend comes during sex, the louder she snores after. I've tried earplugs but sometimes, like tonight, once I am up, I can't fall back to sleep. My choices are thus great sex and no sleep, or great sleep but no sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 130

You deserved it 5 788

By fobfan14 - 16/09/2009 10:37 - United States

Today, somebody broke in to my house and stole my laptop, which had years worth of family photos on it. Where was I when it was stolen? At Staples, buying supplies that included CDs to finally back up my pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 713

You deserved it 5 354

By interviewed - 16/09/2009 10:37 - United States

Today, I went to an interview for a job I really wanted and am qualified for. I've been looking for months. This job was perfect; close to home and great pay. Needless to say I spent quite a while preparing. Everything was going great until I had to sneeze, which forced out a loud, long fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 677

You deserved it 4 166

By Anonymous - 09/03/2017 20:00

Today, we'd booked a spot for 20 people for my grandma's birthday. Turns out the reservation didn't go through. Now 20 people are waiting inside and outside for a group of old people to finish eating. They just barely got their food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 704

You deserved it 549

By EosHelios - 27/02/2018 13:00 - United States - Halethorpe

Today, I finally had one of my preschool students observed by the county for aggressive behavior intervention. Of course, he only started hitting my assistant and other students after the observer left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 367

You deserved it 259

By Anonymous - 10/02/2015 04:12 - United States

Today, in an attempt to potty train my 2-year-old, I sat her on the toilet and waited for several minutes. I finally gave up and lifted her off the toilet just in time for her to pee on my new shoes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 826

You deserved it 5 817

By BluesMan1990 - 16/09/2009 10:21 - United States

Today, I was giving a speech to my 300 some-odd person class. All throughout it, people had been giggling and cackling while I was speaking. I soon realized that my pants had been unzipped. I accidentally fell asleep with all my underwear in the washer last night and had gone commando that day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 410

You deserved it 21 451

By Miramichi - 30/05/2011 12:18 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend admitted that he pees on the toilet seat just to piss me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 519

You deserved it 8 926

By Gottabekidding - 09/09/2016 00:33 - United States - Ashland

Today, my workplace instituted a policy in which employees must stop and write down what they are doing every fifteen minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 658

You deserved it 840

By Someone - 22/02/2011 18:30 - United States

Today, someone started an event on Facebook for tomorrow called Kick A Ginger Day. Over 300 people are attending. There are only two redheads in my school, and I'm one of them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 212

You deserved it 9 271

"friend"

By BarCrush - 22/02/2018 19:00

Today, and for the past two months, I've been going to the bar with my friends quite regularly because I have a massive crush on the cute bartender. Being quite shy, I asked my friend if he could be my wingman so I could finally talk to her properly. He took her home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 650

You deserved it 912

By Anonymous - 09/07/2014 16:54 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, a grown man yelled at me because he'd been waiting for 15 minutes and still hadn't been seated or had his order taken. We were at a self-serve breakfast buffet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 286

You deserved it 3 972

By Anonymous - 26/01/2012 21:05 - United States

Today, I had my first chorus concert. We got a bigger applause when we left the stage than when we sang. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 481

You deserved it 6 781

One step forward, two steps back.

By MJF - 24/01/2018 15:00

Today, my boss thanked me for all my hard work and promised me a raise and a promotion. Shortly thereafter, she sent out a memo announcing she'd sold the company. The new owner immediately came in to "restructure." I got demoted. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 297

You deserved it 229

By gracelynn980765 - 27/06/2019 12:30

Spicy

Today, it was the third time in a row someone has lost a boner inside of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 420

You deserved it 586

By DocBastard, meet DocCunt - 18/10/2013 22:12 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my surgeon was talking to me about my upcoming heart bypass operation. I was extremely nervous from the start, but he somehow managed to keep saying things like "death", "fatalities", "high-risk", and "never wake up" throughout. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 971

You deserved it 3 487

By not that kinda squirting - 30/04/2019 14:00

Today, my husband and I were having sex for the first time since I had our son. As I was riding him in a heated passion, he grabbed my breasts. Milk literally shot out onto his face. Mood totally ruined. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 373

You deserved it 460

By Spooderman - 04/02/2016 02:04 - United States

Today, my son wanted to be Spiderman. He found the biggest spider he could outside and let it bite his hand. He's staying overnight in the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 750

You deserved it 2 451

By Anonymous - 19/07/2012 04:55 - United States - San Diego

Today, I had a few friends over. Wanting to seem cool, I yelled at my girlfriend to get me a beer. She chucked four bottles at my head. All my friends cheered her on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 836

You deserved it 80 749

Added protein

By Anonymous - 10/02/2021 00:30

Today, I was drinking lemon juice through a straw. After finishing half of the drink, I noticed there was a cockroach in my straw. FML

I agree, your life sucks 887

You deserved it 149

By Tally - 24/09/2009 16:16 - Canada

Spicy

Today, I got flowers at work. I was excited until I saw they were from my good friend saying, "Sorry for sleeping with your boyfriend!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 669

You deserved it 2 847

By tinyfeet - 02/03/2016 03:15 - New Zealand

Today, my company told me that they refuse to buy me new safety footwear without a doctor's note, because my shoe size is three sizes smaller than the minimum size my company provides. I actually have to get my doctor to prove my shoe size. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 404

You deserved it 1 280

By Scarred - 04/09/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, while riding in the car with my friends, we stopped at a red light. To our left, a very obese, middle aged man slowly unbuttoned his shirt and spread it out. He then stared at us while massaging his nipples with his thumb and index fingers for the duration of the red light. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 904

You deserved it 5 639

By SirDirtyRedD - 25/01/2014 01:03 - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, I found my little brother breathing heavily and asked him what he was doing. He looked at me intensely and said "Breathing in all the oxygen so you can't have any and die." 5ML

I agree, your life sucks 55 687

You deserved it 5 156

By Anonymous - 05/02/2014 01:03 - United States - Bay Shore

Today, on the eighth day of my diet, I met up with my study group. Everyone was snacking on junk food while I stuck to carrots. Someone put a Snickers bar on the table. "God, I want you," I thought. Turns out I was thinking out loud. The guy next to me inched his chair away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 920

You deserved it 7 999

By Anonymous - 11/07/2013 03:04

Today, I walked to work. I later discovered that my husband had parked my car in a no-parking area. My job is towing cars. I had to tow my own car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 947

You deserved it 5 639

Vulture

By Some people - 27/03/2021 15:59 - United Kingdom

Today, my flatmate was criticising his nephew for being too lazy to get a job. His nephew actually has a physical disability, so I pointed out he never had a job since he got 50 rental properties at 19 years-old when his dad died and makes a fortune on the rent. He then told me that waiting for his dad to die was his job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 439

You deserved it 127

By omgstfuplz - 16/09/2009 08:38 - United States

Today, I was arguing with one of my professors. She said that all married couples fight and I told her that my parents have never argued or fought about anything. When I got home my parents told me that they're getting a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 939

You deserved it 13 411

By Razz - 15/07/2015 22:02 - Australia - Lilydale

Today, I got fired, apparently for being racist to black people. When I told my boyfriend, he couldn't stop laughing. He's black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 372

You deserved it 3 361

Inexplicable

By omnomnom - 24/07/2021 06:01

Today, my son asked me if a video of a flame on a computer actually gives off heat like a fireplace. He was serious. He's 17 and inexplicably has straight A's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 816

You deserved it 123

By Noname - 25/02/2009 05:35 - United States

Spicy

Today, my mom decided to give me relationship advice. She told me the key to a happy/successful relationship was "letting your man explore ALL your orifices." FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 592

You deserved it 4 156

Move!

By patrickRafael - 29/12/2009 14:21 - Singapore

Today, my father was pruning the tree in our front yard. I was helping him collect the falling branches. At one point, a branch fell and I was under it. My father jumped to push me out of the way. Instead he pushed the branch into my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 325

You deserved it 2 998

Domestic bliss

By Good_old_Grim - 15/10/2009 13:51 - Latvia

Today, I stumbled upon my girlfriend's Twitter account that I didn't know existed. A recent entry states that living with me is pathetic; "it's just that the current economical situation doesn't leave her with many options." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 676

You deserved it 2 807

By I'm so sorry... - 01/03/2017 16:00

Today, a coworker left a chocolate cake on the "free food" table in the office. I had a slice. She's just called to ask if she left her grandmother's birthday cake at work. She made it from scratch. Now I'm baking a new cake in the office kitchen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 586

You deserved it 1 492

By pon-3 - 22/06/2012 21:13 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I met my biological parents for the first time. Their justification for giving me up for adoption was that I wasn't conceived at the ideal time for them. Apparently, the ideal time was six months after the adoption, when they conceived the first of my two brothers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 855

You deserved it 2 302

By SadGuy - 26/04/2011 06:18 - United Kingdom

Today, the ex-girlfriend I'm still in love with sent me an old picture with the caption, "I miss us." She looked beautiful and happy. Too bad I'm not the guy she's kissing in the picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 496

You deserved it 3 769

By promoted - 20/12/2010 05:29 - Australia

Today, my boss quit his job and stopped coming in without warning. Guess who just inherited his tasks and responsibilities without the training or pay associated with his manager role. I was hired last year as a junior system admin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 604

You deserved it 3 088

By Anonymous - 30/01/2015 02:50 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I went to get a haircut. Who shows up not 5 minutes later to also get a haircut? My obnoxious, bully of a boss. She started chatting with me across the salon the entire time. There was no way to get out of the conversation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 051

You deserved it 2 222

Don't blame me

By anonymous - 15/11/2020 05:02 - United States

Today, I got suspended from school for smoking in the stairs. I'm grounded for a month without my phone, TV or any type of social connection. All of this would seem like a fair enough punishment if I actually smoked, but instead I just smell like my parent's second-hand smoke. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 680

You deserved it 122

By jaleesadavis21 - 18/10/2011 13:25 - United States

Today, while I was in the shower, my older brother thought it would be funny to change the language on my phone to Serbo-Croatian. I don't know how and can't change it back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 943

You deserved it 4 336

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Top comments

TheSmartAss10 21

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Wednesday 3 February 2016 21:23

Ignore people like that, they love starting fights. If he does it again, say, how would you describe it? And when he's completely off. Correct him on everything :D

Send a private message

Wednesday 3 February 2016 21:31

"Sometimes, the gap in typical communication skills can cause unwarranted, aggressive reactions—" "SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU ABLEIST SHIT!"

Comments

TheSmartAss10 21

Send a private message

Wednesday 3 February 2016 21:23

Ignore people like that, they love starting fights. If he does it again, say, how would you describe it? And when he's completely off. Correct him on everything :D

Send a private message

Wednesday 3 February 2016 21:27

The person OP is referring to seems like a Tumblrite extremist, so no reason to give them any attention.

LiveForSenpai 13

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Wednesday 3 February 2016 21:31

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

HumanitysFinest 15

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Wednesday 3 February 2016 21:25

I'm sorry OP. Don't listen to douches like him. Ignoring them is usually the best way to fight back. :3

ekimen 22

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Wednesday 3 February 2016 21:25

The symptoms of autism differ hugely dependant on the level the sufferer is on the spectrum. He's just being ignorant, ignore him.

mrsmikelowrey 15

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Thursday 4 February 2016 4:28

Thank you for having a brain. Seriously.

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Wednesday 3 February 2016 21:27

I hope you put him in his smug place.

bigcdawg7111 12

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Wednesday 3 February 2016 21:29

every one immediately thinks That the "professional cunt" is a dude.

OrganicSistah 17

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Thursday 4 February 2016 4:02

Lol I pictured a female.

harlsnerdbird 9

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Friday 5 February 2016 5:53

I also pictured a female lol

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Friday 5 February 2016 14:23

so did I because why a cunt if a dude and not a dick then?

Send a private message

Wednesday 3 February 2016 21:31

"Sometimes, the gap in typical communication skills can cause unwarranted, aggressive reactions—" "SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU ABLEIST SHIT!"

TheAspieDork 27

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Thursday 4 February 2016 3:42

This is amazing

mattyiscool123 26

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Thursday 4 February 2016 4:31

Isn't that coprolalia?

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Thursday 4 February 2016 5:53

*Turns to face camera with a "Really?" look on their face*

XxCreepaslayerxX 9

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Thursday 4 February 2016 15:36

But you can't react to anything anymore because of the fine bros

pineapple_stick 4

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Wednesday 3 February 2016 21:33

Don't listen to that douche. It was a stupid idea for him to do that, and you should try to avoid that idiot.

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Wednesday 3 February 2016 21:35

Sorry, OP! Some people are Grade A asshats.

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Wednesday 3 February 2016 21:38

Some people will always be ignorant. Tell her to keep her "lectures" to herself

Zebediabolical 39

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Wednesday 3 February 2016 21:40

Where do I sign up for this 'Professional Cunt' position. I feel that I have the skill set down cold, and I have decades of experience. How do I monetize this?

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Thursday 4 February 2016 1:45

I feel like MTV is a place to start... or possibly The View.

PhoenixChick 26

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Thursday 4 February 2016 3:24

But who wants to work for Fox news?

Send a private message

Thursday 4 February 2016 21:38

The Fine Bros. know all about monetizing basic concepts

Nearly

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37

You deserved it 3

Today, I found out my mother listens to my therapy sessions. She’s the reason I need therapy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 1

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my college fuck buddy started sending my wife our dirty chat logs. Not only have I not spoken to her in years, but the logs are time/date stamped from when Obama was still President. She's never met my wife and I have no idea what she hopes to get out of this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 045

You deserved it 137

Today, I’d been bicurious for years but always much too shy to seek out a woman to attempt intimacy. Well, I finally hooked up with a girl I’ve had a crush on for a while. Not only was it an amazing, mind-blowing experience, she also left me with a crotch searing yeast infection from hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 243

You deserved it 303