Today, I tried to explain autism to my classmates. One of them,... - FML

By Ishikur - 3/2/2016 13:33 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I tried to explain autism to my classmates. One of them, a professional cunt who's always looking for an excuse to lecture people, accused me of being "ableist" because my explanations weren't accurate, and said I shouldn't explain things I don't understand. I'm actually autistic. FML

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Family values

QAnon weirdoes

Spooky

By tiredofbullshit - 8/1/2016 06:06 - United States - Littleton

Today, my dad took my car keys off my keychain and hid them from me. His reasoning was, "I don't want you to be driving during the winter." Guess who has to walk ten miles a day to work, through the New England snow. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2020 08:01

Harsh

Today, my mom screamed in my face that if she could go back in time, she’d rather have put up with the 3-minute pain of being fucked in the ass like her boyfriend wanted, because then she wouldn’t have had 13 years of pain raising me. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/3/2012 05:35 - United States

Today, my family made a fake boyfriend for me on Facebook, since it's been so long since I had one. I accepted the relationship request to try and trick people into thinking I actually had a boyfriend. FML

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By yper - 27/10/2009 16:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I bought a nice new dress for a work party. But when I went in, a coworker hurried me into the bathroom saying, "Don't worry we can fix this." She thought someone had been sick on me. Thanks. That was just the pattern of the dress. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2016 05:52 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I woke up to fresh coffee, pancakes, and the sight of my dad digging a grave in the backyard for my dog. FML

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By baddream - 25/4/2009 01:44 - United States

Today, at my grandmothers funeral I tried my hardest not to cry, only allowing tears to fall and not making any noise, to be respectful at her funeral. Afterwards, my mother tells my father that I didn't cry, which obviously meant that I didn't love my grandmother and had no soul. FML

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By failhusband - 10/7/2009 23:18 - United States

Today, my wife and I decided to try a relationship book. The first activity was to write down some things your partner does that bothers you. I made a very long list, then my wife and I swapped papers. She'd written, "nothing, I love everything about you." She read my list and began tearing up. FML

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By lollerskate - 16/1/2010 15:37 - United States

Today, my smoke alarm went off. In a frenzy, I called 9-1-1 and exited my house. Several minutes later a fire truck showed up. After investigating, one of the firemen informed me I needed to change the batteries in my smoke alarm. FML

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By Tokany - 28/4/2011 19:29 - Romania

Today, when I came home from work, my computer was drenched with water. My sister claimed there was smoke coming out of it. FML

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By shuahwan - 9/8/2015 05:46 - New Zealand

Today, to settle a bet with a friend, I took an online IQ test twice. The first time, I chose answers at random without reading the questions. The second time, I took it for real. I got a higher score from the random selections than from my serious attempt. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, I got to work in the ER at the local hospital. A lady came in with high blood sugar. She was concerned because the same thing happened to her husband. I reassured her, telling her she'll be back with her husband in an hour or so. Her husband died four years ago from something similar. FML

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By a816090 - 26/9/2019 16:00

Family portrait

Today, my boyfriend sent a picture of me posing with our dog to his family via a group text. Along with our 25" bong. FML

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By jkin47 - 4/8/2010 01:44 - United States

Today, I moved into my new college apartment for the next year. A 45 year old guy with a mustache in short shorts and no shirt answers the door. He will be one of my roommates. FML

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By wvugirl - 19/4/2009 20:49 - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend what he thinks about long term relationships. He said, "Our relationship is kinda like having a dog. Chances are, your dog is going to die pretty quickly, before you do. Dogs and humans just aren't meant to be together forever." He compared me to a dying dog. FML

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By Teenagemum - 13/7/2019 20:30

Today, my father calculated that the only way we can afford to keep the house was if I get pregnant and claim child benefits. My family now won't speak to me because I refuse to do it. I'm 15 years old. FML

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By ThisIsWhyIStayAtHome - 24/5/2014 00:09 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, I was at a nightclub when some dick squeezed the ass of the girl beside me. She whirled around and started yelling and slapping me across the face. I was dragged out by the bouncers, to cheers from the people around us. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2014 16:31 - United States

Today, while waiting in line at a store, a toddler behind me was throwing a major meltdown while his father yelled at him, giving me a migraine. I turned to the woman behind me and said, "Can you believe this kid? I feel sorry for his mother." Turns out the woman was his mother. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/11/2015 08:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend told me he took pictures of me while I was sleeping. Instead of it being all cute like you see on social media, there's me sleeping with his dirty-ass sock on my face and him smiling in the background. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2009 13:25 - United States

Today, I was talking to my sister-in-law on the phone. She brought up the family reunion last weekend and how my family is so strange. I didn't know there was a reunion, I wasn't invited. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2011 21:56 - Isle of Man

Today, I went to the toilet during drama, not because I had to actually go, but because I wanted to play Monopoly on my iPod. I lost track of time and came back twenty minutes later. My whole class listened while I was forced to tell my teacher I'd been really constipated. FML

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By StupidApple - 25/5/2011 00:02

Today, I found out that whenever I send my son to his room, he goes on his iPod and buys the most expensive apps he can find. So far I've been charged $600. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/4/2013 18:01 - Mexico - Ensenada

Today, I was denounced for being a terrible person, because my family raises chickens, some of which we eat. I was then told how cruel I am for "killing innocent birds" and that "good" people buy their meat from the supermarket. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/3/2011 17:32 - United Kingdom

TODAY, I PRESSED CAPS LOCK ON MY LAPTOP AND THE KEY GOT STUCK. NOW ALL OF MY LETTERS ARE IN CAPITAL LETTERS. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. FML

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By goestoschoolonsnowdays - 12/2/2010 05:02 - United States

Today, we had our second snow day in a row, something that never happens. So while the rest of school got to sleep late, I had to wake up early, get dressed, and go to my bus stop because my mom didn't believe me. FML

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By mydaughterisdisturbed - 12/8/2013 00:58 - United States - Huntingburg

Today, my 14-year-old daughter convinced my son that when he was born, he was actually born as a girl, but we wanted a boy so bad we had his gender changed. Now he wants to change back to a girl because now he doesn't feel right as a boy. Last year, she got her other brother to cross dress. FML

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By cactii - 16/2/2015 20:43 - United States

Today, I accidentally crashed my mom's car into my dad's car. FML

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By Jim - 12/4/2018 01:30

Today, I dropped my car off at the dealership for a bumper replacement due to a hit and run in a parking lot. After being told it was ready, their shuttle picked me up, and backed up into my just-replaced bumper. FML

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By meggiemouse - 9/7/2011 18:00 - United States

Today, marks the seventh day of having my nose pierced. I'd done everything I was supposed to do, even sleeping with a band-aid over it. This morning, I woke up to my piercing being ripped out by my pillow, and the band-aid nowhere in sight. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/6/2015 12:14

Today, my pregnant girlfriend and I moved into our first home together, signing a 1-year lease. Less than 12 hours later, we've discovered that the place is infested with cockroaches and we have a mouse. The landlord won't let us out of the contract. FML

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By RKE - 5/11/2009 02:12 - United States

Today, I went to our school golf banquet, after being with the team and practicing every day for a few months with them. When it came time to get the certificates, all the names were called out. Except for mine. When I asked the coach where my certificate was, he said "Who are you?". FML

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By Noname - 26/2/2009 17:49 - United States

Today, I saw my ex-girlfriend across the street. I was walking with a girl whom I'd been hooking up with and wanted to make my ex-girlfriend jealous. I kissed her and she immediately smacked me. I got a "ha-ha" text message from my ex. FML

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By Kayt - 3/10/2011 04:38 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me for the first time. He stopped just as I was about to orgasm, and asked if I could finish by myself. Apparently he'd come up with a new algorithm for the Rubik's Cube on my desk and wanted to try it out. FML

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By 16Charlie5 - 19/5/2018 15:00

Curious...

Today, I woke to the smell of poop in my apartment. I went to investigate and found out a cat had pooped in my living room. I don’t have a cat. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2014 15:15 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my friend told me that 50% of all marriages end in divorce. Since he's my friend, I didn't want to call him out too bad, so I joked that 90% of statistics are made up on the spot. He called me an idiot and lectured me on how I'd just made that figure up myself. I need new friends. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/2/2011 08:17 - United States

Today, I spent an hour deleting 70 of my status posts from the past week so I don't look so addicted to Facebook. Damn, I need a life. FML

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By an unlucky man - 5/8/2016 09:37 - United States - Simi Valley

Today, my current wife left me for my ex-wife. FML

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By ugly - 25/7/2011 02:53 - United States

Today, I saw a facebook status that said, 'Wedding today. Ugly people belong together.' I'm getting married today. FML

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By Nightmare - 15/1/2013 14:41

Today, my teenage son taught my five-year-old daughter how to fake her own death. I walked into the kitchen today to find her lying still on the floor, covered in ketchup. She laughed when I began to scream. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/12/2015 15:03 - United States - Dearborn

Today, my puppy went missing. I found him, unconscious but thankfully alive, in a taped-up box with no holes. My little brother eventually confessed to doing it because he wanted to sell my puppy on eBay. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2009 08:39 - United States

Today, I came home and saw my girlfriend on the computer. I decided to sex things up and sneak up on her naked from behind. Apparently, she was video-chatting with her friends at the time. They saw everything. FML

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Top comments

By TheSmartAss10 | 21

#6527702 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 21:23

Ignore people like that, they love starting fights. If he does it again, say, how would you describe it? And when he's completely off. Correct him on everything :D

By Tripartita | 44

#6527717 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 21:31

"Sometimes, the gap in typical communication skills can cause unwarranted, aggressive reactions—"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU ABLEIST SHIT!"

COMMENTS

By TheSmartAss10 | 21

#6527702 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 21:23

Ignore people like that, they love starting fights. If he does it again, say, how would you describe it? And when he's completely off. Correct him on everything :D

Reply

Rkikkas9713 | 25

#6527712 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 21:27

The person OP is referring to seems like a Tumblrite extremist, so no reason to give them any attention.

Reply

LiveForSenpai | 13

#6527719 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 21:31

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By HumanitysFinest | 15

#6527706 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 21:25

I'm sorry OP. Don't listen to douches like him. Ignoring them is usually the best way to fight back. :3

By ekimen | 22

#6527709 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 21:25

The symptoms of autism differ hugely dependant on the level the sufferer is on the spectrum. He's just being ignorant, ignore him.

Reply

mrsmikelowrey | 15

#6528029 - Thursday 4 February 2016 4:28

Thank you for having a brain. Seriously.

By NotGabe | 28

#6527710 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 21:27

I hope you put him in his smug place.

By bigcdawg7111 | 12

#6527714 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 21:29

every one immediately thinks That the "professional cunt" is a dude.

Reply

OrganicSistah | 17

#6528019 - Thursday 4 February 2016 4:02

Lol I pictured a female.

Reply

harlsnerdbird | 9

#6528959 - Friday 5 February 2016 5:53

I also pictured a female lol

Reply

simsgirlgem | 25

#6529210 - Friday 5 February 2016 14:23

so did I because why a cunt if a dude and not a dick then?

By Tripartita | 44

#6527717 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 21:31

"Sometimes, the gap in typical communication skills can cause unwarranted, aggressive reactions—"
"SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU ABLEIST SHIT!"

Reply

TheAspieDork | 27

#6528007 - Thursday 4 February 2016 3:42

This is amazing

Reply

mattyiscool123 | 26

#6528030 - Thursday 4 February 2016 4:31

Isn't that coprolalia?

Reply

rivimatt | 20

#6528092 - Thursday 4 February 2016 5:53

*Turns to face camera with a "Really?" look on their face*

Reply

XxCreepaslayerxX | 9

#6528430 - Thursday 4 February 2016 15:36

But you can't react to anything anymore because of the fine bros

By pineapple_stick | 4

#6527722 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 21:33

Don't listen to that douche. It was a stupid idea for him to do that, and you should try to avoid that idiot.

By TrickyDeath | 14

#6527726 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 21:35

Sorry, OP! Some people are Grade A asshats.

By nickie_94 | 18

#6527729 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 21:38

Some people will always be ignorant. Tell her to keep her "lectures" to herself

By Zebediabolical | 37

#6527731 - Wednesday 3 February 2016 21:40

Where do I sign up for this 'Professional Cunt' position. I feel that I have the skill set down cold, and I have decades of experience. How do I monetize this?

Reply

tomvertigo | 17

#6527924 - Thursday 4 February 2016 1:45

I feel like MTV is a place to start... or possibly The View.

Reply

PhoenixChick | 26

#6527996 - Thursday 4 February 2016 3:24

But who wants to work for Fox news?

Reply

TheNewGuy03 | 28

#6528693 - Thursday 4 February 2016 21:38

The Fine Bros. know all about monetizing basic concepts