Today, I tried to blackmail my douchebag boss for a raise, since... - FML

By Anonymous - 18/2/2015 18:06 - United Kingdom - Norwich

Today, I tried to blackmail my douchebag boss for a raise, since I had ample proof that he's screwing a co-worker. Turns out he and his wife are in an open relationship, and HR doesn't give a damn about office romances. Now I have to quit or deal with the most hostile work environment ever. FML

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Body issues

Does it taste good?

Assumptions

By bestbirthdayever - 24/8/2010 07:18 - United States

Today, I was at my sixteenth birthday party. My guests consisted of my grandma who I live with, and my 2-year-old cousin she was babysitting. FML

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By nakedweddingday - 4/7/2013 02:40 - United States - Long Beach

Today, I came home from work to find white fabric and crystals all over the apartment floor. I followed the trail of destruction to my bedroom, where my roommate had left our closet door open. Apparently, her cats decided that my wedding gown was to be their newest conquest. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2013 04:13 - United States - Woburn

Today, my husband thought it would be acceptable to watch Breaking Bad on Netflix with my 4-year-old in the room. What happened to be the only line he picked up? "Well heil Hitler, bitch!" I found out from his preschool teacher. FML

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By AnnaNick - 14/2/2010 02:19 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were out shopping. As he was trying on shirts, I told him that the particular shirt he was wearing looked ugly. He turned around, sighed, and said "You think? Well, your face is ugly, but you don't see me complaining about it." He was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2012 10:00 - New Zealand - Wellington

Today, I arrived home after a hard day's work to see my 12-year-old sister had greased up my 8-year-old brother with butter and olive oil, and was attempting to slide him down the wooden floorboards in the hallway. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2015 19:11 - United States - Hillsboro

Today, while putting a water bottle into the fridge, I suddenly had to sneeze. The force of my sneezing propelled my head against the open fridge door, causing a gushing wound to my forehead. Bless me. FML

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By hickhick - 7/7/2019 04:00

Today, I went to the doctor's office for a regular check up. They found "odd red marks" on the inside of my thighs. They started to think it might be a skin disease, so I had to explain to my mother and the doctor that it was hickeys from my boyfriend. FML

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By ugh - 21/1/2014 18:55 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I went to an important job interview. I was really anxious but tried to soldier on anyway. When I was called in, my nerves got so bad that I reverted to speaking my second language. Not first, second. I'm pretty sure I'm not getting the job. FML

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By embarassed - 21/4/2011 03:24 - United States

Today, I fell asleep at a party. I farted so loud that I woke myself up. Everyone heard. FML

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By walllflower - 8/2/2015 19:46 - Canada - Saint Catharines

Today, I went paintballing with my siblings. Once we were done, they realised I hadn't been shot at all. They cornered me in the forest and lit me up. I have welts all over my legs. FML

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By Alyssa - 19/10/2009 19:37 - United States

Today, my manager mentioned that she'd hired a "cute boy" to help me out at work with paperwork. The "cute boy" was my ex-fiancé and now I have to be with him in an office for 30 some hours a week while his current fiancée brings him lunch everyday. FML

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By Medfail - 20/6/2016 07:13 - United Kingdom - Bath

Today, at the age of 27, I learnt that your tonsils aren't the dangly bit at the back of your throat. I work in healthcare. FML

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By Peppermint - 17/3/2011 10:00 - New Zealand

Today, I put signs up in the lifts at work with my name and desk phone number as the contact in case the lifts break down. I work in IT so there are hundreds of men in the building. Someone has already drawn a very wonky heart next to my name. FML

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By - 9/12/2018 22:00

Today, I finally summoned the courage to ask my roommate to chip in for electricity costs. She called me a bitch, proceeded to tell me she can't afford it despite working full time and I part time, and blocked me on all communications. Uhm, what ? FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2016 15:14 - United States - Dalton

Today, this beautiful girl that I've known for a long time told me that she just can't date me anymore because I remind her too much of her cat. FML

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By pixie - 17/2/2009 08:10 - United States

Today, I had sex for the first time with a guy. After he passionately made love to me, I turned to him and said "you smell really good." He turned to me and said "You don't." FML

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By Kid - 17/3/2010 09:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I bullied a kid at school, just so someone would talk to me. FML

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By I hate nasty people - 5/4/2012 16:18 - United States - South Bend

Today, my new roommate took a shower. This would be a good thing, except for the fact that it's apparently taken her two months just to take this one. I have to live with her for another year. FML

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By kimm1993 - 3/8/2013 04:29 - United States - Chicago

Today, I showed the kids I was babysitting a picture of my daughter, and the little girl asked, "You have a baby in your belly?" I said, "No, she's not in my belly anymore," and the little girl replied, "But it's BIG," and patted my stomach. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2009 19:23 - United States

Today, I sold a customer some beer. He then asked to see the manager, and told me he was a 19 year old undercover cop. My knee jerk reaction was to panic and curse aloud, before realizing he was balding, toothless, probably 50, certainly not a cop, and laughing at me for being such a gullible moron. FML

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By storyteller - 4/10/2016 16:29 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I noticed I've been an Amazon Prime member for 2 years and never knew. FML

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By vkryss13 - 22/6/2015 19:10 - Guam - Tamuning

Today, I accidentally sat on my sister's imaginary monkey. She then stabbed me with a pencil. I still can't get the piece of graphite out of my hand. FML

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By Skylan - 13/11/2008 10:31 - France

Today, I took advantage of the fact that my wife was sleeping to watch a porn film on my computer. I put headphones on so that she wouldn't hear. It wasn't until she came out of her bedroom that I realised I hadn't plugged them in properly. FML

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By Depressed and clueless - 24/10/2018 15:00 - United States - Manhattan

Today, after months of being told I'm just being paranoid, my hallmates admitted and proved that there really is a dorm-wide conspiracy to socially isolate me. I don’t know what I did wrong. FML

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By Noname - 24/1/2009 15:24 - United States

Today, I was walking in the mall and passed one of the hair product booths (with the people who constanly harrass you as you walk by). In front of half of the mall the woman working there told me that she had several products that I could use to touch up my roots. I'm a natural red head. FML

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By vetstudentdream - 15/4/2017 22:00 - Australia - Bellbowrie

Today, I found out what it feels like to have a cow take a large, flatulent shit with my arm still elbow-deep inside their rectum. FML

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By Nice Guy - 29/10/2012 07:55 - United States - San Diego

Today, I noticed a rather small man being harassed by a rather large man, so I tried to help out and break it up. The small guy punched me in the face and said, "Mind your business!" The large guy laughed and fist-bumped him. FML

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By Lindsay - 7/2/2011 17:41 - United States

Today, I flirted with a guy for ten minutes before realizing I was sitting between him and his girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2011 18:57 - United States

Today, after speeding home due to an overflowing bladder, I ran to the bathroom, forgetting that the toilet seat was broken. While doing my business, the toilet seat and I both slid off the bowl. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2019 00:01

Ivory pissed, too

Today, it was my 14-year anniversary. I'd spent weeks picking out a new gold wedding band for my husband. What did he get me? Nothing. Not even a happy anniversary text. FML

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By ouch.... - 22/10/2013 01:24 - United States - Duxbury

Today, my boyfriend broke a glass in the kitchen and accidentally stepped on it, cutting his foot. He asked me if I could help him clean his cut. Apparently, he's ticklish and I now have a huge bruise on my chest from where he kicked me. FML

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By lizzard0416 - 30/11/2012 03:00 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was going to give my baby daughter an empty Pringles tin to play with on the floor. I saw some crumbs at the bottom, so I emptied the can in my mouth before I gave it to her. I crunched hard and spat them out, realizing my boyfriend had just cut his toenails into the can. FML

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By "vinyl_mermaid" - 2/3/2017 14:00

Exterminators are expensive

Today, in an effort to rearrange my bedroom, I planned to reroute my internet cables under my house. Then I found out about the black widow infestation. FML

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By sad sack. - 18/1/2009 00:40 - United States

Today, I got an email notification from Yahoo! Personals: "Hi, we've found 0 new matches for you". FML

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By Claire - 29/9/2010 05:59 - Australia

Today, I went to the beach with this boy I like. Not thinking it'd be anything more than a simple date, I didn't shave my downstairs. We were sitting on a towel and I laid down. Then he said, "Is there a squirrel in your pants?" FML

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By mandy - 10/4/2009 15:35 - United States

Today, I was babysitting my neighbor's kid. We were playing in the yard, when he fell and got a small scratch on his leg. I gasp, and he takes a huge breath in and yells, "FUUUCK!!!" as loud as possible. The parents thought it was me, and the mother slapped me in the face. FML

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By kfenton - 29/9/2012 11:16 - United States

Today, I found out that guys will only flirt with me when they're drunk, and even then only when they realize that my best friend is out of their league. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/2/2012 21:27 - United States

Today, while I was eating lunch at work, I practically had a panic attack because I'd forgotten to feed my Neopet. FML

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By Username - 12/5/2011 06:17

Today, I called a possible employer I had an interview with about a week ago to see if I had got the job that I have already been trained for. Her response? "Are you sure I interviewed you?" FML

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By purpleivy - 6/9/2011 18:53 - United States

Today, after a conference with my teacher who had previously accused me of not doing my homework, she finally discovered she'd been losing it all this time. I've been getting straight Fs for a month. FML

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Top comments

By Welshite | 39

#6206217 - Thursday 19 February 2015 0:39

You're stupid enough to try and blackmail your boss for more money? You definitely deserve it.

By notesz | 21

#6206223 - Thursday 19 February 2015 0:40

Read the word "blackmail", instant YDI.

Comments

By Welshite | 39

#6206217 - Thursday 19 February 2015 0:39

You're stupid enough to try and blackmail your boss for more money? You definitely deserve it.

Reply

cheeeksss | 29

#6206258 - Thursday 19 February 2015 0:48

I can forgive stupidity. But the fact that you would use this method for a raise rather than working hard and earning it makes you a bad person, OP. I'm glad karma bit you in the ass.

Reply

tygerarmy | 35

#6206302 - Thursday 19 February 2015 1:16

Your boss may be a douchebag, but if you're willing to blackmail some.. Pot meet Kettle.

Reply

ChristianH39 | 30

#6206452 - Thursday 19 February 2015 4:45

If the boss is in an open relationship there's not even reason to assume he's a douchebag, this is all on OP.

Reply

teentee401 | 36

#6206499 - Thursday 19 February 2015 5:38

He might be calling him a douchebag for other reasons

Reply

Stephencharis | 14

#6206720 - Thursday 19 February 2015 14:10

OP clearly needs Jesus...

By littlekellilee | 45

#6206221 - Thursday 19 February 2015 0:39

Sometimes it's best to just stay quiet.

Reply

BlondePsycho | 43

#6206350 - Thursday 19 February 2015 2:14

Like my lawyer always says, "Shut up and dont say a fucking thing till i get there."

Reply

JayVicious | 20

#6206363 - Thursday 19 February 2015 2:38

your lawyer tell you that alot?

Reply

fortune789 | 17

#6206366 - Thursday 19 February 2015 2:42

This is one of the truest cases of "OP is a fag" I have ever seen.

Reply

Cortezthe1st | 23

#6206371 - Thursday 19 February 2015 2:46

I don't like it when people use sexuality as an insult.

Reply

sonshadsil94 | 15

#6207041 - Thursday 19 February 2015 20:07

Saul is the best isn't he?

Reply

badgercheese94 | 16

#6207281 - Friday 20 February 2015 1:05

Actually, this FML made me think of Ted Beneke lol

By symfora | 17

#6206222 - Thursday 19 February 2015 0:40

Yeah, that was pretty dumb.

By notesz | 21

#6206223 - Thursday 19 February 2015 0:40

Read the word "blackmail", instant YDI.

Reply

lovelyvampire | 16

#6207414 - Friday 20 February 2015 4:33

who's the douche bag now OP?

By Grey_Tempest | 16

#6206225 - Thursday 19 February 2015 0:40

So this is what it's like to be here early... Anyways you deserve it for blackmailing someone. For a raise? Seriously? And no matter how much of a d-bag your boss may be, doing something wrong is not the answer.

Reply

Retaheki | 27

#6206333 - Thursday 19 February 2015 1:52

I feel the d-bag part was to make it seem like the boss was at fault, not OP.

By martin8337 | 35

#6206227 - Thursday 19 February 2015 0:41

Sometimes blackmailing someone can bite you in the ass.

Reply

davisjenny81 | 30

#6206715 - Thursday 19 February 2015 13:46

More like always. OP has succeeded in becoming an ass

By ihartmytdi | 23

#6206228 - Thursday 19 February 2015 0:41

Time to meet the wife! ;D

Reply

R2Y2 | 22

#6206539 - Thursday 19 February 2015 6:27

That wouldn't make the situation worse at all. /sarcasm
Even if OP quit and had nothing to lose, I doubt he'd have a chance with wifey, considering the whole blackmail thing. OPs boss probably told her, lol.

Reply

swanheart | 35

#6206622 - Thursday 19 February 2015 9:04

From reading the fml it is clear that the wife wouldn't be bothered about her husbands affair so going to see her would be pointless

Reply

Stephencharis | 14

#6206721 - Thursday 19 February 2015 14:14

you want to meet the wife??....I'd prefer to think the Family is messed up...

Reply

crazytwinsmom | 25

#6206860 - Thursday 19 February 2015 17:43

@101, they meant to have an affair since it's an open relationship.

Reply

dope_mcfly | 24

#6206891 - Thursday 19 February 2015 18:08

@119 why assume the family is messed up? I love my wife and she knows my girlfriend. I know her girlfriend, too. Open relationships are fun for all involved.

By ParisSosa | 11

#6206230 - Thursday 19 February 2015 0:41

Should have just kept that to yourself.

By ItsDutch | 16

#6206232 - Thursday 19 February 2015 0:42

Should've just minded your own business instead of trying to blackmail your boss... You totally deserved it.

By Cortezthe1st | 23

#6206233 - Thursday 19 February 2015 0:42

Maybe you should mind your own business.

Reply

Sophie_K | 8

#6206286 - Thursday 19 February 2015 1:03

Exactly

Reply

Wakachulak | 22

#6206553 - Thursday 19 February 2015 6:48

Well, his raise is his business.

Reply

TallMist | 32

#6271995 - Friday 24 April 2015 19:27

But their boss's relationships is NOT.