Intimacy: Today, I tried to befriend the lonely boy who sits at the end... - FML

By brighteyes - United States

Today, I tried to befriend the lonely boy who sits at the end of my table at lunch. He always sleeps or does homework during lunch. I walked over to him, tripped, and spilled my open bottle of water on his jeans. I apologized profusely and wiped off his pants with napkins. He got hard. FML

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Season finale

Class Wars - UK Edition

Cartoon villain

By beno - United States

Today, I found out that my wife sent nudie pics to her ex-husband. My wife's excuse for the pics? "I needed a compliment because I thought you didn't love me." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I opened my diary to write a new entry, I noticed that every page had little side notes about what I had written. It had an extra long note on the page where I wrote about losing my virginity in great detail. All of the notes ended with "Love, Mom." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, my mum was in a bad mood, so I tried to cheer her up by telling her I love her, and giving her a hug. She slapped me hard enough to leave a red, hand-shaped mark on my face, and told me to fuck off with my "sarcasm". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lafayette

Today, I was walking and saw a quarter. I bent down to pick it up. Barely a foot ahead there was another, so I crawled over to get it. This continued for about six feet when I realize a kid was laying them out in a trail. I had collected 7 fake quarters and the kid had it on video. FML

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By echo - United States - Schaumburg

Today, I offered my friend $150 to drop my girl and me off for at the airport. He's poor, so I try to help him out by paying for rides. My girl being with me, I asked him not to smoke weed while driving. He turned down the job because he needs a minimum of two blunts for the trip. FML

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By ether10 - United States

Today, my dad asked me to move a potted plant from one side of the yard to the other. It looked like a very heavy pot, so I heaved it up with all my might. Turns out it was one of those heavy-looking ones that are actually light plastic. I fell over backwards and dumped dirt into my mouth. FML

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By dirtythief - Philippines - San Juan

Today, I placed an order at a fast food joint, when the elderly lady behind me cussed me out for ordering the same thing she wanted. She ranted that I was a "dirty thief", while everyone else glared at me as if I was holding up the line. What the fuck? FML

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By Ineedit - United States

Not now!

Today, my husband and I were going to have sex for the first time since having our baby, who was taking a nap. As soon as we lay down in bed, his mother rang saying she was five minutes away. FML

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By ultraattitude - United States - Union City

Today, I met a hot guy at the bar and we hit it off instantly. After a few drinks, he called a cab for us. When it arrived, I seducingly asked, "My place or yours?" He responds, "Both. I'll go to mine and you go to yours" and walked away. The cab driver laughed the whole way home. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, as I was walking towards my friends at the bus stop, a man came up to me and asked me out. This was the first time I'd be asked out in months. I accepted. When I reached my friends they looked at me then asked, "Why were you talking to that homeless guy?". FML

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By snidpea - France

Today, I sprained my ankle while playing soccer. I still have to walk home. In the rain. FML

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By alliez108 - United States

Today, my dad and I got into a fight over who gets the last corner piece of the brownies. I ended up with a black eye and and a sprained wrist. He ended up with the brownie and ran away laughing. FML

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By In Pain - United States

Today, I had gum surgery. I can't laugh. I can't smile. I can't talk. I can't eat. All I can do is wait for the pain medication to kick in. FML

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By poisonivyandbigfoot - United States - Denver

Today, I woke up with a rash all across my body. Last night, my boyfriend and I got it on in some bushes, and it seems one of those was poison ivy. FML

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By wantmeasandwich - India - Mumbai

Today, I stayed over at my boyfriend's house for the first time. He soon found out about my sleep-talking habit. I started ranting about "electron shaming" and I apparently passionately support their "sub-atomic lifestyle". Yes, he managed to get it on video. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in the dressing room of my favorite store. While looking in the mirror at a shirt I really like, the fire alarm went off. In a panic, I ran out of the store like everyone else. The sensor went off on my shirt and I was banned from the store for attempted theft. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was fixing my makeup in the back room of the office when my boss walked in. He looked kind of annoyed so I jokingly said "Don't you want your secretary to look good?" He said, "If I did I wouldn't have hired you." FML

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By rbates - United States

Today, I decided to make a place in my house for my friends to sign called “The Friend Wall." By sign I meant sign, not draw body parts. This afternoon I ate lunch next to a basketball-sized vagina and a monumentally large blue and purple penis. FML

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By Wick - United States

Today, I got a speeding ticket while driving to my court date for a prior speeding ticket. FML

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By glocked and goaded - United States - Sun City

Today, at my cousin's wedding, there was a bouquet toss. I jumped to catch it, only to get knocked down and crushed by a woman twice my size who'd jumped backwards. It still feels like someone shattered my ribs with a sledgehammer. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, someone stole my iPhone. I used the Find My iPhone app, and located it in the apartment building next to mine. I can hear the ringing sound I've activated, but nobody will answer the door. FML

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By latino - United States

Today, at the Museum I volunteer at, I was touching some of the things in the exhibit where you can feel what natural boobs and testes feel like. I started rolling the "boob" like a stress ball and forgot where I was. When I realized people were staring, it became very awkward. FML

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By ryansmithho - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend of 4 years. I took the whole day to cook a nice meal, and stuck the ring in a cookie that I was going to give to her. In the middle of the dinner I was holding the cookie under the table, about to give it to her. My dog ate it. FML

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By shecrieseverytimeIremindher - United States - Oregon City

Today, I looked at the revenue from my Etsy shop. After hours and hours of hard work, I was ecstatic to find that I made about $560 so far. That is, until I remembered that it all went to my mom's bank account and I paid all the fees out of my own pocket. And yes, she won't give it back. FML

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By Not Supportive

Today, it was my boyfriend's grandfather's funeral and visitation. These things make me nervous so I, not thinking, made comments that included the words killing, dying and death. I'm a rubbish support system. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Frisco

Today, a TV crew filmed my house for a real estate show. They got an actor to pretend he owned the place but wanted to move. The host kept saying how shit my house is, and while talking about me with his producer, he said "Know how I know he ain't a fag? Fags can actually decorate." FML

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By itwasntme

It Wasn't Me, by Shaggy

Today, we found out my brother in law cheated on my sister. Somehow they’ve blamed me for the whole incident. I don’t know the guy. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Ottawa

Today, in an attempt to potty train my step-son, my boyfriend and I put underwear on him, hoping that when he peed himself, he would realize using the potty is the way to go. Instead, he peed while sitting on the couch, got up, took off the underwear, and then switched seats. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was picking my daughter up at day care. She was outside playing kick ball. A red ball rolls over to me, and trying to impress the kids, I kicked it over the slide. I turn around to see three crying six year olds. It was their hamster ball. FML

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By crookedteeth - United States

Today, for my birthday, my mom presented me with a $4,000 check to pay for my braces. I've been very self-conscious about my teeth for years. Everyone applauded and told me how happy they were for me. Later, my mom asked me for the check back. Apparently it was just meant to make her look good. FML

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By Bella

Today, I finally managed to kiss the guy of my dreams. We pulled away and looked into each other's eyes, and he softly said, "You know I'm dating another girl right now, right?" FML

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By murphyslaw948

Murphy's law

Today, I fall for a guy after 3 years of being celibate, after he shows all the signs of being into me. Turns out, he likes my best friend who is dating another guy I liked and was just using me to compensate for her unavailability. Guess I am really a walking, talking example of Murphy's law. FML

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By Roselyn Cazares

Today, I was petting my female hamster when I felt a big mass under her. I immediately thought it was a tumor so I poked it to see if it hurt her. It didn't. Turns out my female hamster is actually a male, and he has really big balls. I touched my hamster's balls. FML

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By snow - Australia

Today, I found my biological father, who I have never met, on facebook and decided to message him. He blocked me. FML

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By Ah hell - United States

Today, I woke up with the worst hangover of my life. My best friend comes over and informs me that I had sex with my girlfriend's two best friends last night. Awesome! Then I realized her best friends are guys. FML

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By single not ready to mingle - 27/10/2020 18:02 - United States

Fuck the patriarchy

Today, my now ex-boyfriend told me that we could keep dating, but he doesn’t see a future with me because I’m not a good submissive woman like his mother. His mother who’s been married four times for cheating on all her husbands. Yeah, good woman indeed. FML

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By no spare - United States - Marquette

Today, I woke up to find out that the two front tires on our van were flat. Now we won't have a vehicle all week since the tire shop is booked solid. We just went through this with the rear tires two weeks ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving down a dark country road with the windows down. Suddenly, a giant barn owl flew through my side-window and smacked into my head, causing me to drive into a ditch. FML

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By mhmohyeah - United States

Today, I was jumping on every crunchy leaf on the sidewalk. I went especially far out of my way to step on one only to notice it didn't crunch right. I looked closer, it was a dead bird. FML

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By Screwed in Seattle - United States

Today, I woke up with a migrane, so I took one of my prescription migrane pills to get me through my day. The pill made me dizzy and nauseous, so I took a motion-sickness pill. That pill gave me a migrane. FML

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Top comments

By Sipos | 0

#4686 - Saturday 21 February 2009 2:35

That's a lovely thing to do but...
Poor guy. I bet he's really embarrassed. I don't think it's anything personal, having a good looking girl rub your crotch makes most guys hard. You should definitely talk to him again and apologize.

By Raceta | 5

#34694 - Monday 16 March 2009 15:44

Today, I was sitting at the end of the table quietly doing my homework, when some random chick comes up and spills water all over my pants. Not only does she do that, but she then proceeds to rub the water off of my crotch... what can I do but watch the look of horror come over her face as she feels me grow hard. FML

COMMENTS

By thepokeduck | 0

#580 - Sunday 8 February 2009 0:48

Nodnod. Definitely try talking to him again.

By Eir_fml | 1

#3404 - Wednesday 18 February 2009 16:22

I'd say if it was me, it would have been worth it. But then, it wasn't long before I wasn't the "lonely" kid anyway, for that reason. Not that I was exceptionally popular, because I disliked those who would refer to themselves as such.

By necomni | 0

#3840 - Thursday 19 February 2009 6:36

I'm a twat.

Reply

lolfood | 24

#4640478 - Monday 2 July 2012 8:09

You're number 15 o.o

By Sipos | 0

#4686 - Saturday 21 February 2009 2:35

That's a lovely thing to do but...
Poor guy. I bet he's really embarrassed. I don't think it's anything personal, having a good looking girl rub your crotch makes most guys hard. You should definitely talk to him again and apologize.

By suckmybrain | 0

#6693 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 23:45

Aww, this is so sweet! :))) Try talking to him again!

By LinkToEverything | 0

#7646 - Thursday 26 February 2009 7:43

Does he know that you know?
Cause' thatd make things weird
and making friends in general is good

By emmy_483 | 0

#9757 - Sunday 1 March 2009 3:51

Well... you were touching him. Teenage guys have issues with self-control even if they really aren't thinking about that.

By holagurrl | 0

#21512 - Sunday 8 March 2009 18:15

#4 and #22 - Not all quiet/lonely kids are total weirdos. Sometimes the most outgoing guys can be creepers and stalkers.

I feel sorry for the guy. Bet the same thing would happen to most guys if a girl was rubbing his pants, not matter how asexual the intentions were (like harmless drying). Not every guy can control his biological reactions, or so I heard. You should try talking to him like nothing happened.

By pewp | 5

#21597 - Sunday 8 March 2009 19:00

Were you rubbing the napkins on his crotch? If so, you are the only one to blame.

By Sgt_Schadenfreud | 0

#23461 - Monday 9 March 2009 22:07

Ask him out?

Reply

ddlovatolover | 23

#6065498 - Monday 15 September 2014 12:02

Plot twist: OP is a guy.