Intimacy: Today, I tried talking to my boyfriend about our sex life. I... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 348

You deserved it 92

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 141

You deserved it 1 243

26/01/2010 06:56

Spicy

Today, I tried talking to my boyfriend about our sex life. I was trying to express that I feel like we don't do it enough, but he wasn't very responsive. I ended up saying, "I wish you had a bigger sex drive" to which he answered, "I wish you had bigger boobs." FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 781

You deserved it 10 102

Own it

Leave us alone

Risky business

15/03/2010 13:33

Today, the satellite radio at work went on the fritz, playing one song over and over. Management wouldn't turn it off, though, because then customers would miss out on all those upcoming-sale announcements that run intermittently. Meanwhile, I got to listen to "Footloose" for eight hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 299

You deserved it 2 474

28/09/2013 11:44

Spicy

Today, I found out this girl I had sex with lied to me. They weren't razor burn bumps. And I now have them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 63 613

You deserved it 40 228

07/02/2011 02:36

Today, I went to go use an automatic cart in Walmart because I broke my hip in January. They were all being used by morbidly obese people throughout the store. I asked a manager if she could get me one, but apparently their weight issues are more impeding than my broken hip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 065

You deserved it 3 623

Broken equipment

By Anonymous - 21/08/2020 07:08

Today, my girlfriend and I had an argument about wanting kids, as I want to have kids but she doesn’t. I explained the situation to my sister. She just kicked me in the nuts and said, “There, problem solved.” FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 463

You deserved it 409

06/12/2016 04:46

Today, after dropping my phone in the toilet, I left it dismantled outside in my backyard to dry hoping it could be saved. I forgot about the phone as well as the sprinklers that were scheduled to go off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 587

You deserved it 3 925

30/03/2013 22:22

Today, the girl I thought I was dating got into a fight with me over the phone. She did this because she bet her boyfriend that she could make me cry on FaceTime. She won the bet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 743

You deserved it 5 767

30/11/2019 20:00

Today, I was driving by the carnival and I really had to use the bathroom. I saw a porta-potty next to a house, so I parked in their front yard to use the bathroom very quickly. I came out to see a group of teenage boys urinating on my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 731

You deserved it 804

Antiques Roadshow

By Anonymous - 17/07/2021 02:00

Today, I made a mosaic for my grandma out of her old crockery, after I had finished it, I found out from a neighbour that some of the plates looked like Wedgewood. So I dug through the stuff that I didn't use. It turns out the original lot would have been worth about £2000. With the stuff left, I'd be lucky to get £100. FML

I agree, your life sucks 222

You deserved it 1 275

26/10/2012 03:58

Today, 60 guests for my wedding were supposed to arrive to the Bahamas. The first and only hurricane of the season decided to crash my wedding, stranding my mom, maid of honor and best man. No one will be able to attend my wedding, except the other drunken hotel guests. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 187

You deserved it 3 615

Drunk hookup ends with a… bang

By Anonymous - 14/10/2019 12:00

Today, I woke myself up by farting in my sleep, only to realize that the guy I'd brought home from the bar was still next to me. He was awake. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 416

You deserved it 520

09/07/2015 16:38

Today, I folded a stack of 2,500 brochures for the new exhibit we're putting on at the museum where I work. As I was finishing up, I got an email. The dates have just been changed, so all the brochures have to be reprinted and refolded. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 183

You deserved it 1 936

14/07/2015 17:28

Today, a woman left our first date just because I didn't like the same character as her on a TV show. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 082

You deserved it 2 619

24/01/2011 00:07

Spicy

Today, I went to see "Black Swan" with my parents, not realizing that it was basically a porno. So I sat next to my dad while Mila Kunis and Natalie Portman had passionate lesbian sex on a twenty foot screen. And I'm pretty sure I heard the old guy behind us jacking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 758

You deserved it 7 119

Tell me lies, tell me sweet little lies

By malicemassacre - 17/01/2021 23:01

Today, I found out that the rivalry between my boyfriend and my only friend I have in this city was just a cover up. I'm now a single mom of a 2 year-old and a 5 month-old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 080

You deserved it 139

Really?

By Anonymous - 29/10/2013 17:01

Today, my husband and I were watching Jurassic Park. At the end of the movie, he commented on how amazed he was that they could "train those dinosaurs" to do exactly what they wanted them to do. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 141

You deserved it 5 599

27/10/2009 03:15

Today, at work, I realized that not everyone in the office needs to hear my explosive diarrhea through the a/c vents that interconnect through the entire building. I think an email was sent around, describing people's reactions in detail. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 030

You deserved it 3 033

02/03/2016 20:46

Today, I took my 17 year-old dog, who had been my best friend my entire life right from when I was born, to be euthanised. I had booked in advance. The vet ambled in all spritely and cheerfully asked, "Just here for a checkup, aye?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 959

You deserved it 1 517

07/08/2019 20:00

Today, I drooled on myself during a job interview and was immediately dismissed. This isn’t the first time it’s happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 356

You deserved it 528

Denied

By Anonymous - 26/12/2020 07:58

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend, who live 30 minutes away, asked me over late at night. When I got there, she turned me around and kicked me out because she "wasn’t feeling it." I’m 29 and still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 167

You deserved it 232

He does have a point

By Ksweety_fml - 05/10/2019 14:00

Today, I texted someone and typed, "lol". My boyfriend asked me why I put "lol". I told him because I thought it was funny. He looked at me weird and said, "But you didn't laugh." Now he thinks I'm weird because I didn't actually laugh out loud. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 210

You deserved it 445

24/07/2011 06:22

Today, I went to an amusement park with my family. I was the only one who put on sunblock, and the only one who got a sunburn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 618

You deserved it 3 927

01/08/2014 22:38

Today, I got suspended from work after getting caught reading a work-related FML. Irony is funny, but it doesn't pay the bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 603

You deserved it 18 282

26/02/2013 18:09

Today, I was at my friend's house, when she commented that her dog's fur kept getting tangled because of its length. I reached over to tickle his tummy, felt a big tangled knot and agreed that he needed a good grooming. Then I realized what I'd grabbed wasn't fur. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 845

You deserved it 10 246

21/10/2009 13:54

Today, I was helping a friend redecorate. She had put up some shelving, that we presumed was stable. It broke, and all the expensive vases and collectables fell to the floor. On instinct, I leapt forward to catch the closest thing. It was not the expensive vase. It was a cactus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 766

You deserved it 4 623

25/05/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, my husband and I mutually discovered that we are both infected with pubic lice. How? I found his and he found mine while we were in the middle of 69-ing each other. So, so gross. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 355

You deserved it 1 553

24/12/2009 11:20

Today, I found out that I have to work Christmas Day. There's no public transport running and taxis are triple fare. It'll cost me more getting to work than I'll actually earn during the shift. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 717

You deserved it 2 369

22/06/2009 05:27

Today, I told my dad I couldn't make the trip to see him this weekend because I had to work. I surprised him by driving ten hours, and while he was out, I let myself in with my key and hid behind the couch for when he came in. He walked in. I jumped out. I then had to call 911. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 368

You deserved it 20 979

03/10/2011 12:08

Today, I finally admitted that I have to consider buying a nose hair trimmer. I'm a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 297

You deserved it 4 163

14/09/2017 20:00

Today, I came down in the morning to find that my fridge died, leaving water and meat juice all over the floor. My town only has garbage pickup every other week and the last was yesterday. We're expecting a heat wave this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 426

You deserved it 226

05/09/2009 21:14

Today, I was using a Kodak Picture Maker in Walmart. I needed help using the machine so the lady that works there came over and tried to load my pictures. I heard some snickering behind me from the people in line. Turns out the pictures loaded. Even the nude ones I forgot about. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 909

You deserved it 47 921

15/07/2011 02:22

Today, I met my long distance girlfriend after two years of being separated by 900 miles. She brought her short distance boyfriend to the meeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 202

You deserved it 7 279

06/07/2011 05:27

Today, I helped an elderly lady unscrew the cooling tank's cap from her smoking car. My reward? A scalding shower of toxic, pungent antifreeze that erupted moments after removing said cap. She didn't even thank me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 791

You deserved it 18 766

28/07/2019 22:00

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend of over a year decided he wants us to wait to get married before having sex again, after we've had sex almost every night of being together. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 777

You deserved it 232

01/01/2012 01:22

Today, it's New Year's Eve. My husband and I weren't invited to any parties, and we don't have a sitter to be able to go out by ourselves. Instead, I'm watching "Beverly Hills Chihuahua 2" on the Disney channel with our 5-year-old, and my husband has passed out on the couch from sheer boredom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 860

You deserved it 7 507

25/03/2009 16:33

Today, I repaired a boiler for a wealthy guy in a big house. While there, I fixed a leaking tap for free. When I went to go, the man slipped something into my shirt pocket and said "have a drink on me." When I got to my truck, I discovered that he'd given me a tea bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 80 715

You deserved it 6 264

13/06/2011 04:22

Today, I ran over a chipmunk. On my bike. Its mangled carcass got caught in the spokes and decided to join me on my ride. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 892

You deserved it 12 596

25/11/2011 03:51

Today, I rubbed my face in my armpit stubble because it felt like my ex-boyfriend's face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 172

You deserved it 50 968

04/06/2011 09:36

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend from high school at the exact pizza shop we met at where I worked in high school. She broke it off with me after she caught me cheating with her best friend. These days, she's a lawyer who makes six figures a year. I still work at the same pizza shop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 280

You deserved it 125 626

07/02/2013 14:45

Today, I went to do my laundry. Having no laundry bag, I put clothes in a suitcase and headed to the basement. When my roommate saw me, she burst into tears with happiness. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 871

You deserved it 5 671

18/09/2013 22:59

Today, every time I write the word "analyst," I can't help but giggle because it begins with "anal." I'm 24, and studying to be a conflict analyst. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 483

You deserved it 34 042

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Top comments

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 14:34

He's a defensive childish dick. Im sure you can do better.

hcube 0

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 13:46

your bf is an idiot. your boobs are perfect.

Comments

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 11:52

ooooh burn... ditch him

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 15:33

i agree... break up with tht son of a bitch

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Wednesday 27 January 2010 3:58

Burn indeed.... but don't ditch him. He sounds awesome

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Wednesday 27 January 2010 9:36

She should ditch him for reciprocating an insult? If he has a low sex drive, it's not like it's because he wants to have a low sex drive. Saying she wished her boyfriend had a bigger sex drive is no less insulting than him saying he wished she had bigger boobs. Maybe if she'd used a bit more tact, he wouldn't have lashed out in response.

chih 0

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Thursday 28 January 2010 5:15

perfect comeback: I wish your dick was bigger! ^.^

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Thursday 28 January 2010 13:07

But if u said I wish you had a bigger sex drive he might have taken it the wrong way, and thought you ment a bigger dick... honestly, if you hadn't put what you were thinking in your post, I would have thought u were talking about his dick

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Wednesday 3 February 2010 0:39

PWND!!!!!

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Wednesday 3 March 2010 12:48

maybe he thought his sex drive was his penis and you wish it was bigger. thus he responded accordingly.

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 11:52

hahaha you can always upgrade! Then dump him!

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 17:31

LOL I LIKE HOW YOU PUT UPGRADE FIRST THATLL SHOWEM

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Wednesday 27 January 2010 4:44

haha

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 11:53

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 22:09

so dump her. haha.

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 11:53

do I hear Breast Implants? :O

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:21

ha my girls are just perfect

RabenSchwartz 3

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 19:48

girlS?

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Wednesday 27 January 2010 0:01

playa? or do you have boobs :o

DonkeyDelight 0

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Wednesday 27 January 2010 0:17

There are multiple meanings to your comment.

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Wednesday 27 January 2010 2:39

he meant girl's

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Thursday 28 January 2010 8:58

I'm guessing he meant his girlfriend's boobs hahah.

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:21

see look in the end it was your fault

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:38

Seems fair.

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:39

this might be a tad obvious but if you did have bigger boobs his sex drive would probably be bigger.

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Tuesday 29 December 2015 0:51

This is not how a sex drive works. Nice try though...

Jrook 0

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:43

your guy is a witty one lol. I say it's a fair argument ;p

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 17:44

to make it unfair she should of said "maybe I'd get bigger ones if you had a bigger dick" haha

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Wednesday 27 January 2010 3:56

nice one

ihavenoname123 0

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 12:46

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

loveehateesuuiic_fml 0

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Tuesday 26 January 2010 13:48

 your a douche

PattisonDaStud 0

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Wednesday 27 January 2010 5:57

no your clearly the dushe with those retarded nijas how old r u 4

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Wednesday 27 January 2010 9:11

Says the person who can't use proper grammar...

ohmygaaawsh29 0

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Friday 1 April 2011 5:42

or spell douche..

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Monday 5 November 2012 0:49

How does not using proper grammar make him a douche?