Today, I took the bus to Boston. My bike is in Boston. My bike... - FML

By zinka - 25/7/2009 22:17 - United States

Today, I took the bus to Boston. My bike is in Boston. My bike lock is in Boston. The key is in New York. FML

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Headache

Minefield

Property law

By Anonymous - 6/3/2014 02:09 - United Kingdom - Portsmouth

Today, I was walking through town with my hood up and noticed people giving me funny looks. It wasn't until I got home that I realised the umbrella I was holding over my head had been closed the whole time. FML

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By Chouse - 7/9/2012 01:56 - Canada - Grande Prairie

Today, during my uncle's funeral, my four year old loudly asked, "Where's all the dead people?" FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2010 19:32 - United States

Today, while at work as a lifeguard, an older gentleman who comes in almost every morning wearing a very tight swimming suit, came up to me and said, "I don't want you having any erotic fantasies of me." After a long pause he added, "Actually, I wouldn't mind it if you do." FML

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By DogDays - 31/3/2017 14:00

Today, the only member of our family who can get health insurance is our dog. FML

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By Butch - 4/7/2016 17:19 - United States - Mcdonough

Today, our e-mail server went down. When I called IT to find out what the status was, they told me they e-mailed everyone with an update. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 17:22 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend's 4-year-old son and four of his friends to the amusement park. While walking down a hill, I slipped on some water and slid down the hill, taking out multiple children. It wasn't rain. I'd slid on vomit. FML

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By Rosie J. - 10/11/2016 02:45 - United States - Leawood

Today, I saw an older gentleman running through my store. I wasn't sure why he was running towards the front door until I looked at the floor and saw a poop trail behind him. The trail went from the front of the store all the way to the back of the store. Guess who had to get the mop and bucket. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2011 08:43 - United States

Today, I spotted my girlfriend in a store. She didn't notice me, so I went behind her, put my hands over her eyes, and said "Guess who." I got an elbow to the groin and mace to the face. While I was rolling on the ground in pain, she simply said, "Serves you right" and walked away. FML

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By KAAALIS - 16/3/2009 02:20 - United States

Today, I bit my boyfriend's neck. I felt something squirt into my mouth. Turns out I had just popped a pimple on his neck. Into my mouth. FML

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By Sarah - 24/7/2011 00:01 - Canada

Today, I was directing traffic at work during one of the hottest days of the year. Not only do I have to stand in the heat and exhaust fumes for minimum wage, I also had to endure people asking me "Aren't you hot?" as they drove past me in their air conditioned cars. FML

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By stoprubbingitinmyface - 21/3/2015 21:59 - United States - Tacoma

Today, it's been a week since I was dumped. I planned to stay at my apartment, cry and eat chocolate in peace. My roommate decided to have loud sex with her boyfriend in the apartment. She refused to quiet down, saying "My body, my rules." FML

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By apparentfatty - 11/11/2011 11:50 - Canada

Today, I found out that my husband thinks I'm fat when I caught him slipping diet pills into my morning smoothie. FML

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By louise. - 18/10/2010 09:06 - Australia

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he chose me out of all the hotter girls out there. He told me it's because I have great birthing hips. Apparently I'm having six children. FML

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By tash - 24/5/2011 12:33 - Canada

Today, while I was mowing the lawn in my backyard, I ran over a glass bottle. My legs looked like a disco ball. FML

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By privatebathroomneeded - 16/12/2014 19:26 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I needed to take a dump at school. As soon as I sat down, somebody else walked in. I'm extremely poop-shy, so I was forced to wait for several minutes while they styled their hair and applied makeup. After they left, I breathed a sigh of relief. Then someone else walked in. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/10/2009 02:38 - United States

Today, I walked into work, and the first question my boss asks me is "Are those your pajamas?" I was wearing my favorite outfit. FML

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By tooearly - 1/1/2012 08:31 - United States

Today, I told my mom I was going to a New Year's party. She told me to be back by midnight. FML

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By sleepy - 3/12/2016 09:54 - United States - Grand Forks

Today, I was the DJ for a company party that was supposed to end at 11 p.m. The company ended up wanting music late and my boss made me stay there until they got tired, which ended up being 3 a.m. I start work at my other job at 7 a.m. FML

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By somuchforthat - 19/2/2010 07:38 - Australia

Today, I woke up and found a small leg of what used to belong to a spider on the corner of my mouth. FML

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By hiitisbrooke - 23/11/2015 20:17 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I texted my friend asking if he'd like to join my "porno group". I meant promo. I quickly texted back correcting the mistake, but not before I received the nudes he sent. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2009 10:11 - United States

Today, I found out that a co-worker of mine that I had originally hired, trained, and mentored to work in my department for the past 4 years had just got the promotion that I had applied for. He is now my boss. FML

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By KlutzyFarmGirl - 12/6/2018 14:30 - United States

Glamorous...

Today, I went into the farm where I work. Within the first 30 minutes I slipped on a fresh cow pie and broke my ankle. FML

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By Wronged - 21/9/2009 10:53 - Singapore

Today, my girlfriend decided to break up with me because she found a bra in my cupboard. It was hers. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2020 13:01 - United Kingdom

Shorty

Today, on my first day as a community support officer, a 7-foot meathead in the middle of a domestic argument told me to “piss off shorty”, and when I asked him not to swear at me, he picked me up one-handed and threw me in a builder's skip full of mud and wet cement. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2020 20:00

Smooth

Today, I turned 30. I still can't grow any facial hair. FML

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By Not Jewish - 2/3/2009 08:10 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were being driven home from our date by her mother. She's Jewish and I'm Catholic. Her mother was talking about how my girlfriend was going on a trip to Jerusalem that summer. She finished with "And you can find a nice Jewish boy while you're there." FML

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By Anonymous - 9/3/2017 12:00

Today, I was playing with my hedgehog and he started licking my face. I thought it was super cute, until he latched onto my eyelid with his teeth. He then created a ball of saliva and blood and coated his body in it. FML

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By whatnow - 1/4/2012 02:52 - United States - Carmel

Today, I fell asleep on the couch while babysitting. When the kids' parents came home, they made fake crying noises to see if I would wake up. I slept like a baby, and by the time they finally roused me, I'd left a nice drool stain on the armrest. FML

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By Greatgrandpa - 30/11/2014 17:29 - Curacao

Today, my only child introduced his new girlfriend to me. He is 36 and has no children. She is 46 and has a pregnant daughter who she is very close with. I don't know if I'll ever be a grandfather, but in any case, my son is going to be one before me. FML

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By anthony - 25/11/2015 12:32 - Luxembourg

Today, a cute girl I know in passing approached me very nervously and blushing like mad. She gave me a note with a number on it, said to call her, then ran away. When I called the number later, it was one of those rejection hotlines. What the hell? FML

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By mista_sandy - 11/4/2012 16:54 - Canada - Toronto

Today, a guy asked me out and said he was going to take me to a fancy restaurant where they make the food in front of you. I love Japanese food, so I was really excited. We went to Subway. FML

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By outie - 13/9/2020 02:02

Genetics

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I have an 'outie' belly button, and he didn't want our potential kids to have one. FML

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By Sdutent - 1/3/2009 08:34 - United States

Today, I asked my girlfriend if she has ever had an affair. She replied, "Yes. With you". FML

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By Anonymous - 25/5/2013 04:50 - United States - Clifton

Today, I locked my keys in my car. Good thing I went to Lowe's to make spares, which are also now locked in the car. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2013 14:55 - United States

Today, my coworkers glued pairs of different sized googly eyes all over my office equipment, seconds before an important client arrived. FML

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By I already have one, thanks - 9/8/2014 05:59 - Australia - Mosman

Today, at the bank, some poor bastard got brutally dumped in front of everyone, prompting some total spastic behind me to cough and mockingly say "Loser!" The guy thought I'd said it, and started shoving me around and threatening to tear me a new asshole. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/4/2013 17:36 - Kuwait - Kuwait

Today, I had to explain to my girlfriend that taking triple the maximum dosage of painkillers won't actually triple its effects. She rolled her eyes, called me clueless, and said that I should "leave this stuff to the professionals." She's studying to become a doctor. FML

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By Mini-wanker - 18/10/2011 17:34 - United States

Today, after having had sex with my girlfriend for the first time the night before, she went to the doctor. He said she's still physically a virgin. FML

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By mav3rick91 - 1/3/2010 08:30 - United States

Today, I opened my closet to get my uniform to get ready for work, and found the cat my step-mom was looking for the night before. Apparently, it snuck in there and was too stupid to miaow to be let out, but had no problem pissing all over all my stuff. FML

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By themanontheright - 1/3/2010 20:50 - United States

Today, my boss was using my computer and tried to copy and paste a website URL. It must not have copied first, because it pasted a URL to a porn site. I think I should start looking for a new job. FML

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Top comments

By nmirles | 0

#430013 - Sunday 26 July 2009 11:58

Guess you're going to have to cut the lock. Easy fix.

By DiTHL | 0

#430006 - Sunday 26 July 2009 11:56

hahah you fucked up.

COMMENTS

By DiTHL | 0

#430006 - Sunday 26 July 2009 11:56

hahah you fucked up.

By pingpongdj | 0

#430009 - Sunday 26 July 2009 11:57

LOL failed.

By nmirles | 0

#430013 - Sunday 26 July 2009 11:58

Guess you're going to have to cut the lock. Easy fix.

Reply

ihatewankers | 0

#430024 - Sunday 26 July 2009 12:02

Right? Not a FML.

Reply

Anarchy_fml | 0

#430535 - Sunday 26 July 2009 16:49

How did this even pass? Rent a car or if your bike was in Boston in the first place, you must know people there, ask for some shears or something and cut the lock. Hire a locksmith or just fucking walk?

Anyhow, how the hell did you end up in New Jersey? I think having a locked bike IN BOSTON is the smaller of your problems.

By f0rg3t_m3_n0t | 0

#430038 - Sunday 26 July 2009 12:08

Now THAT is what I call mad skill.

By katiefershady | 0

#430045 - Sunday 26 July 2009 12:09

ya.. cutting a lock takes like 2 seconds. not a fml

By haishawna | 0

#430054 - Sunday 26 July 2009 12:13

and this is an fml because..?
i mean just cut the lock off

By UhSureWhyNot | 0

#430055 - Sunday 26 July 2009 12:13

Lame FML.

By katied4224 | 0

#430113 - Sunday 26 July 2009 12:45

If you cant handle cutting the lock yourself...Call a Locksmith!

By _Noon_ | 0

#430168 - Sunday 26 July 2009 13:12

Can someone wake me up please? I think I just fell asleep while reading this über-boring FML.

By IrishHero12 | 0

#430257 - Sunday 26 July 2009 14:35

Wow you fail badly