Kids: Today, I took my mom out to a fancy restaurant, and spent close...

By Jess-zee - 10/05/2009 20:42 - Canada

Today, I took my mom out to a fancy restaurant, and spent close to $300 on her Mother's Day present. Later, my little brother drew her a card with crayons on pink construction paper. She cried. He is 20 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 588

You deserved it 6 347

Kids

Mama's boy

Can't take the heat

Difficult

That escalated badly

By Anonymous - 19/03/2020 09:03

Today, a blowjob from my fiancée turned into exchanged oral, which turned into mutual masturbation while watching porn, which then turned into me being kicked out of the room because it was "weird" with me watching. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 292

You deserved it 310

By gumchuck - 05/02/2015 21:03 - United States - Marshall

Today, in an effort to avoid my school's strict no-gum policy as my teacher made a b-line to me, I swallowed it. By the time the teacher reached me, the gum was on my desk, as well as my breakfast, thanks to my overactive gag reflex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 801

You deserved it 16 234

By fuck you - 26/04/2015 08:19 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I asked the man of my dreams out on a date. His response: "I'd rather eat my own balls." FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 173

You deserved it 3 717

By anonymous - 24/04/2013 04:55 - Germany

Today, I was fired on my second day of work after a year and a half of unemployment. Apparently, my "tendency to solve problems instead of just accepting them made the other workers uneasy". FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 552

You deserved it 3 618

By Crash - 10/09/2014 20:15 - United States - Hicksville

Today, I took my daughter out driving to practice for her road test. I told her to make a left into a parking lot. She missed the 30 foot wide entrance, but not the two foot wide tree. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 770

You deserved it 4 031

By Namnack - 02/02/2010 19:38 - Netherlands

Today, I found I had rolled, and was smoking a cigarette without realising it after proudly entering my third day of being a non-smoker. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 842

You deserved it 32 473

Everyday sexism

By nerdywaitress - 18/10/2013 05:14 - United States - Greensboro

Today, I started training as a bartender. My very first client told me how his wife is sleeping with her sister's husband. He then told me that all the women he knows only want sex, and asked me why "we" were like that. He could be my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 445

You deserved it 4 991

By Anonymous - 14/05/2018 05:00

Today, I went to a guy's dorm for the first time. He told me to wait outside for a minute because he had to "clean something up" first. When I told him I'm 420 friendly, he said, "Nah I just came on my desk earlier and didn't feel like wiping it up." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 742

You deserved it 682

By Anonymous - 28/03/2009 19:42 - United States

Today, I came home a few days early from a 3-month business trip. As I opened my apartment door, hoping to surprise my girlfriend, the man she's apparently been cheating on me with promptly punched me in the face. He thought I was a burglar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 123 180

You deserved it 5 335

Pushy

By Anonymous - 05/08/2021 22:02

Today, I went on a date with my crush and I was so desperate to impress him, I talked him into a blowjob, after he turned down full sex since it was only a first date. He asked me to stop halfway through, because apparently I have bad technique and hurt him with my teeth. He left. I’m such an idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 354

You deserved it 1 587

By SezzyJ - 02/10/2009 11:31 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me. Via text. With the iPhone I got him for our anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 237

You deserved it 3 845

By halfasleep - 27/03/2012 14:00 - United States - New Haven

Today, I accidentally took my mouthwash like a shot. I don't know what burned more, when it went down or when it came back up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 629

You deserved it 14 619

By Anonymous - 29/03/2015 19:54 - United States - Wheaton

Today, my girlfriend hasn't spoken to me in a week, so I gave her a call. No reply. I texted her, and got a text back saying: "Sorry, dude. Better luck next time!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 116

You deserved it 2 513

By Anonymous - 02/03/2016 05:06 - United States - Miami

Today, at work, man who was buying medicine for his son came up to me for help. He didn't know how to explain it to me, so instead he showed me a picture of a rash on his kid's butthole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 685

You deserved it 1 673

By mrdave - 04/07/2009 05:54 - Canada

Today, I looked in my pocket for the phone number of a girl I met last night at a party. I remembered us talking and exchanging phone numbers. When I found the piece of paper, I discovered that instead of writing her number down, I had drunkenly written down my own. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 870

You deserved it 46 318

By Literal Baby-Daddy - 02/07/2017 15:00 - United Kingdom - Middlesbrough

Today, my toddler threw a screaming, rampaging fit, because I ate the last chocolate mousse from the fridge. Did I forget to mention said toddler is actually my 52 year old dad? FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 113

You deserved it 661

By Anonymous - 26/06/2009 14:31 - United States

Today, my brother and I were going to give our parents their anniversary gift which cost us over $3000. The gift was a trip to London in August to see a show on Michael Jackson's comeback tour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 111 212

You deserved it 10 856

By Jack Faire - 12/02/2019 02:00

Today, I sat down to do my taxes. As I was going over my forms, I found my employer only took $1.72 out the entire year for my Federal Income Taxes. I now owe the IRS over $500 that I don't have. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 284

You deserved it 573

By Anonymous - 25/11/2009 07:35 - United States

Today, my roommate of seven weeks decided to kick me out. He blames me for the stains on his expensive white leather couch, even after a prof cleaner determined it was red wine. I don't drink red wine. He does. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 662

You deserved it 2 129

By Anonymous - 02/03/2017 10:00 - United States - Ithaca

Today, my first grade student apologized for cutting his bangs off in class, and explained that it was his mom's birthday and he had wanted to make her an origami flower. Out of his hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 050

You deserved it 652

By Anonymous - 09/05/2015 18:50 - United States - Humble

Today, on my first driving lesson, I crashed my instructor's car. I didn't even make it out of the parking lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 176

You deserved it 11 054

By rhythmbandit - 09/10/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, my boyfriend bought me a beautiful pair of very expensive diamond earrings, along with a card that read, "To my beautiful brown eyed Princess." My ears aren't pierced, and my eyes are green. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 054

You deserved it 4 067

By jackass - 13/04/2009 10:46 - United States

Today, I handed the keys to my Mustang to my mom so she could go car shopping. As she pulled away, I remembered the condom wrappers, sex toy packaging, and empty bottle of rum that was in the passenger's seat of my car. I'm twenty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 832

You deserved it 82 519

By - - 09/11/2010 00:38 - United States

Today, my daughter got engaged. Her fiancé is not only 25 years older than her, but was her teacher in middle school. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 973

You deserved it 4 535

By Anonymous - 27/11/2009 21:24 - United Kingdom

Today, a doctor examined my wrist, which is completely swollen and painful. He diagnosed a case of tendonitis and asked me, "Do you use this hand for a particular sort of sport?" I just smiled like a twit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 951

You deserved it 48 522

By Blerp - 22/01/2017 10:00

Today, I got chewed out by my boss for not doing my job. Turns out what's described in my job description, contract, and job title isn't my job. My real job is outlined in the footnote of my contract. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 691

You deserved it 572

By Wtf - 10/07/2013 05:24 - United States - Miamisburg

Today, I got a message from my brother on Facebook that read, "They're watching you." This wouldn't have been such a big deal if he hadn't been dead for two years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 83 992

You deserved it 4 185

Sprinkler system

By missed - 25/06/2021 14:01 - United States

Today, I was using a mall bathroom. Thinking the toilet seat had to be unsanitary, I decided to squat. I was a little farther out than I thought, and ended up peeing all over the bathroom floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 230

You deserved it 1 259

By wils - 24/07/2010 09:49 - United States

Today, after work, I peeled a parking ticket off my windshield. It was so hot that the ink from the ticket made a stamp on my windshield. Now I have a permanent reminder staring me in the face wherever I drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 577

You deserved it 7 868

By yeahno - 12/09/2010 16:52 - United States

Today, I found out that the man who came into work yesterday, the man who tried to grope me from over the counter, the one who spat his drink in my face, the one who kicked me in the shins when he didn't like the way his food tasted, is a regular and I can expect him three times a week. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 495

You deserved it 2 446

Didn't see ya there!

By jazojigga - 02/03/2009 01:09 - United States

Today, I borrowed a van to move some of my furniture. I wasn't used to the brakes so when I stopped at a red light, I pretty much ended up in the crosswalk. Suddenly, I heard a loud thud at the side of the van. I turned to see what idiot would walk into a van. It was a blind man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 744

You deserved it 52 087

By Person - 07/06/2009 18:07 - United States

Today, my mother found condoms in my room. She asked why and I said, "Just in case." She started laughing hysterically. FML

I agree, your life sucks 82 494

You deserved it 9 913

By AMP4U - 31/08/2011 01:28 - United States

Today, my fiancé changed his text message tone to a fart noise. He thinks it's hilarious and laughs every time he gets a text. He's 35 years old. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 171

You deserved it 7 432

By PrincessOhNo - 12/12/2016 06:10 - United States - Bronx

Today, I dyed my hair back to pastel pink, which it hasn't been in over a year. It goes well with my skin and I was super excited about it so I decided to Snapchat my friend about it. Her response? "You were thinner last time your hair looked like that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 902

You deserved it 1 075

By rainydays79 - 23/01/2010 19:12 - United States

Today, I realized that I am the only one among my group of friends who names their bowel movements. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 420

You deserved it 59 905

By Anonymous - 07/07/2009 11:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I queued up for few hours in torrential rain to see the Harry Potter premiere. After just four hours sleep and waking at 3am, I fell asleep during film and missed the whole thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 790

You deserved it 62 887

By ipayyourbillsgorramit - 24/08/2012 23:29 - Australia - Queanbeyan

Today, after getting home from a twelve-hour shift at work, I got into bed and passed out. My mother soon woke me up, screaming that she could tell I was "fake sleeping" and ignoring her lecture on how I need to stop being so "lazy". FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 350

You deserved it 1 896

By anamanaguchi - 31/03/2018 01:30

Today, a 6th grader came up to me and told me I have the smallest breasts in the class. I'm their teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 416

You deserved it 348

By pod - 25/06/2011 23:29 - United States

Today, my boyfriend threw me into his pool. I had my phone and iPod in my pockets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 602

You deserved it 5 393

By fucking financial ruin - 23/08/2013 18:21 - United States - New Bern

Today, my boyfriend and I were discussing sports injuries, and I mentioned that I pulled a muscle in my crotch last year. He snorted and called me a clueless idiot because according to him, "girls don't have crotches". He's a med student. I sense malpractice lawsuits in our future. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 244

You deserved it 4 006

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Top comments

sexiled4life 0

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Monday 11 May 2009 9:41

just goes to show money doesn't buy happiness

Luckster 0

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Monday 11 May 2009 9:43

At least your Mom cares for the sentimental things. Mine bitched at me for not getting her anything. I'm 1,000 miles away and unemployeed. Called her several times throughout the day to at least wish her a Happy Mother's Day. She never picked up. She only called back to bitch at me.

sexiled4life 0

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Monday 11 May 2009 9:41

just goes to show money doesn't buy happiness

peace7love2FML 0

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Wednesday 17 March 2010 16:18

Agreed....Sometimes homemade presents are the best!

averageirishman 0

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Thursday 15 April 2010 1:18

is he retarded?

super3286 14

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Thursday 10 June 2010 7:29

that's mean but funny

Holybatman 16

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Monday 14 June 2010 9:32

The OP isn't trying to say that a gift is better if it's more expensive. OP obviously put effort into the restaurant/gift and wasn't afraid to spend money in order to make the occasion memorable, while the little brother, who is old enough to get/make a better present, just decided to take the easy way out by making a cheap card during the day. However cute and heartfelt the card seemed, it was still the easy way out, and showed almost no effort or foresight, while the OP's gift was thought out and was worth something.

flipflipflipidel 0

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Friday 19 November 2010 7:22

that's why she cried cause he's 2o and gave her that

erichsee14 0

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Wednesday 15 June 2011 5:33

did she cry of happiness or because her 20 yr old son gave her a cheap card with no effort

tatababe 1

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Wednesday 13 July 2011 21:40

exactly what I thought

BCrazzi 9

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Wednesday 13 June 2012 23:46

Well maybe she just misses you guys when u wer still kids:/

theoffkid 0

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Monday 11 May 2009 9:41

Money is not everything.

MrCatman1125 2

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Wednesday 3 October 2012 22:45

Yes, but it is painfully obvious who put more effort into there gifts.

Driving_Gaming 22

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Sunday 9 August 2015 2:11

their*

Afghanee666 0

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Monday 11 May 2009 9:41

YDI for being a consumeristic whore! F*** your corporate holidays and f*** anyone who supports it! WHITE POWA!

on_a_boat 0

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Monday 11 May 2009 9:42

Maybe it just reminded her that her kids are all grown up? I mean it could have triggered memories from when you guys were little, and now those days are gone. LOL or your mom is just weird, idk.

Luckster 0

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Monday 11 May 2009 9:43

kluck 0

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Saturday 18 September 2010 1:11

Does not seem like your sucha luckster by the way your life is going.

theantonlolz 11

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Wednesday 27 June 2012 22:05

lol post it here then

Driving_Gaming 22

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Sunday 9 August 2015 2:14

lol u 2 funny mek more jokeslol u 2 funny mek more jokeslol u 2 funny mek more jokeslol u 2 funny mek more jokeslol u 2 funny mek more jokeslol u 2 funny mek more jokeslol u 2 funny mek more jokeslol u 2 funny mek more jokeslol u 2 funny mek more jokeslol u 2 funny mek more jokes