Kids: Today, I took my kids to the circus. We were having fun, right...

By SheaLili - United States

Today, I took my kids to the circus. We were having fun, right up until the point they saw an old man dressed as a clown, at which point they screamed, grabbed onto my shorts, and managed to accidentally pull them down. FML

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Kids

Mama's boy

Good kid

The old switcheroo

By How? - United States - Glasford

Today, a bird crashed into my face. I didn't think that actually happened to people outside of cartoons. FML

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By lizi - United Kingdom - Saint Andrews

Today, I accidentally punched myself in the face while trying to take my bra off. FML

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By Shan007tjuuh - Netherlands

Today, I got up at 4:30 am, went to my job as the newspaper guy. Nobody was there to open the door, it was raining and I was freezing. I decided to wait, because I really wanted my salary. At 6 o'clock my boss opens the door and says, "Oh, it's you. Well, you're fired. We can't pay you anymore." FML

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By queenofdeath - Israel

Today, I wanted to remove my mustache hair with hot wax. The hair is still there, but my skin is all burnt dark brown. Tomorrow is my first day at school. FML

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By Eyesore - United States

Today, I was walking back to my home in the city in the dark. I'm paranoid, so when I saw movement behind me I clutched my mace. The faster I walked, the closer the person seemed to be. I spun around and sprayed my attacker with mace. It was my shadow and the wind blew the mace back into eyes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I spent almost two hours cleaning my fish tank, only to find out that my cat had secretly eaten all of my fish while I was cleaning the tank. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went into a haunted house. Around 30 seconds into the adventure, I couldn't stop screaming at the top of my lungs from all of the scares. Suddenly, the little girl ahead of me, who was all by herself, turned around and told me to "suck it up and grow a pair, loser." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Warren

Today, my mother and I got into an argument, and she told me to go to my room. I refused, prompting her to slap the shit out of me. I'm 29, and she was visiting me at my own house. FML

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By cdick - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I decided to exchange presents for our birthdays. I spent $100 on perfume and Victoria's Secret clothes. She bought me a bag of lifesavers, then asked me to leave because she wanted to take a nap. FML

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By Dani - Australia

Today, I tried to take a piss in the woods, but ended up peeing all over my feet. I still had to hike another five hours in wet shoes. My boyfriend's only comment was, "At least you didn't wet your pants." FML

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By Rednbumpy

Today, I was getting ready to meet my boyfriend. We haven't seen each other in a month so I decided to shave my body hair, even though I have really sensitive skin and usually end up getting rashes after a few days. His flight got cancelled and he won't be back for another two days. FML

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By appleville - United States

Today, a customer at one of my tables left his phone number and a smiley face on the credit card slip. I was completely flattered until I looked at the bottom of the slip and realized that he had left me a $0.26 tip. FML

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By anonymous

Today, it seems that getting an apartment with a couple was a bad idea. They agree on everything, so my opinion never seems to matter. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2021 15:01 - United States - Steele

Sensory overload

Today, I visited my brother, and noticed that my 17 year-old nephew was being unusually cold and grumpy; a sign that he's having sensory overload. Because his parents are so loud, I knew they were responsible. When I confronted them, they responded by yelling at me and grounding him. Sorry, nephew, I tried. FML

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By Hover Hand - United States - Merchantville

Today, someone posted photos from a party I was at. On each photo I'm posing in with a girl, my hand is not touching her, but is hovering over her like some creepy weirdo loser. My Facebook nickname is now of course "Hover Hand." FML

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By Justaddwater - France

Today, I spent an hour and a half trying to rid my house of smoke and burnt plastic smell because my little sister didn't know she was supposed to add water in the package of microwaveable mac and cheese. FML

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By Mogg - Australia

Move!

Today, I was at the cinema. There was a really tall woman in front of me and whenever I leaned to the right or left she would lean to the same side I do. Later, she started laughing. They guy next to her was telling her where I moved. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got punched in the face after I beat my stepbrother at Mario Kart. I didn't really get hurt, but he managed to break a finger. My stepmom blamed the whole thing on me, accusing me of being violent and a bad influence on her son. FML

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By Anonymous

Who am I?

Today, while having hot passionate sex with my boyfriend, while I was moaning his name, he was coming to release and yelled out, "NO, THIS IS PATRICK!" His name isn't Patrick. FML

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By Michael - 5/2/2021 21:30 - Netherlands - Amsterdam

Give me strength

Today, I wanted to clean my house. Of course the vacuum cleaner got stuck behind furniture multiple times. After the fifth time or so, I gave it a good pull. Now my vacuum cleaner is broken and the socket is off the wall. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at Burger King, I had to go to the bathroom. Two ketchup packets were under the seat and exploded on my legs and pants when I sat down. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, my 11-year-old son and I were going through some old photos. He saw one of me when I was 22 on a beach, wearing a bikini. He said "Wow! Who's that?" Quite proudly I said it was me. He looked at me and said "What happened?" FML

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By polebitch49 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my friends hired a male stripper to give me a lap dance for my birthday. It was all pretty nice until he let rip one of the most nauseating farts I've ever encountered, right in my face. Hours later, I can still smell it. FML

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By TLT - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over to celebrate our anniversary. He had a card written in crayon with my name spelled wrong, and a basket I had seen his mother throw in the trash filled with flower petals ripped from my mom's garden. Our anniversary was 3 days ago. FML

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By pinchy - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he was taking me out to eat to his favorite restaurant. He said I could order whatever I wanted and he'd pay for it. He took me to Red Lobster, knowing full well that I'm allergic to seafood. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I fell asleep in class. As a joke, my professor used an airhorn to wake me up. I got so freaked out that I punched the girl next to me in the face. She got knocked out. FML

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By ms piggy - United States

Today, stepping on a scale for the first time in years, I had to lift up my stomach to see the number. FML

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By snazz23 - United States - Bastrop

Today, I got engaged to the most wonderful man in the world. I excitedly called my mom to tell her the great news, thinking she'd be excited too. Her only response? "Oh." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Stay classy

Today, I met my father for the first time since I was a baby. The first comment out of his mouth was, "I bet all the boys love those motherfucking bazongas, don't they?" Hi, Dad. FML

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By mysidesaresplitting - United States - Oxford

Today, I had the pleasure of finding out how it feels to poop with 3 broken ribs. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while on a beach with my 3 year-long boyfriend, I went on his phone to find a restaurant I'd sent him on Instagram. Instead, I found countless messages to other women, trying to slide into their DMs. Needless to say, everyone on that beach got a free show. FML

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By Jarool - Canada - Red Deer

Today, my wife got all excited when she saw the elevator we were in had a feature to make it go sideways. I didn't have the heart to tell her they were the buttons to open and close the door. FML

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By farksh - Australia

Today, I rolled up a newspaper and smashed a huge spider in my room. As I went to scoop it up with a tissue, it lurched away and fell near my bed. I can't find it, but I can sure as fuck sense the pure evil coming from it. Looks like I'll be sleeping on the couch tonight. FML

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By Rick - United States

Today, I got into an argument with a militantly feminist co-worker of mine. She threw several vulgar insults at me and debased the entire male gender before storming off. I'd only asked if she needed help while she was doing a crossword. FML

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By stepsister - United States

Today, I met my soon-to-be step mother. My dad was right, we had a lot in common. Including our birth year. FML

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By You must be joking

Today, my boss told me to sort and file all the paperwork he'd been randomly shoving into boxes since 2010. Apparently we're being audited, so he expects me to do eight years of filing in two weeks. There's enough paper to fully stock a large public library. Two weeks my ass. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate came home and instantly began raging, cursing, and threatening to kill me. While I was cowering in my bedroom, the police had to settle the situation. All I'd done was rearrange some furniture. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom had one too many and announced to all of my friends that, if she had the opportunity, she would bang Gwen Stefani. FML

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By bubba7901 - 19/3/2021 10:59

Hot lava

Today, I stopped taking prescription narcotics for pain, which make you constipated. I also enjoyed a few beers. Because of this collaboration, I had a very painful first turd followed by a flow of burning liquid. I cried. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boulder

Today, I heard my husband say from outside, "Seriously Dan, what could go wrong?" This was followed a few seconds later by a bang and screaming. Turns out he'd tried to smash his head through a wooden plank like a martial artist and failed. He ended up with splinters and a concussion. FML

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Top comments

By Kwejee | 1

#3060204 - Monday 8 August 2011 0:58

I don't blame them. Clowns are fucking scary.

By ckr911 | 5

#3060205 - Monday 8 August 2011 0:58

......I really hope you wore underwear. O.o

COMMENTS

By Simpson143 | 2

#3060182 - Monday 8 August 2011 0:56

You never know! Maybe he was a pedophile...?

WCARlover | 34

#3060397 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:11

He who? Her kid? The clown wasn't the one who did it

AaronTkr | 0

#3060446 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:16

if OP is a girl, that's hawt :3

Simpson143 | 2

#3060654 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:50

Yeah I know, but old man in a clown suit? I guess I'm the only one who finds that creepy.

baddud300 | 6

#3061311 - Monday 8 August 2011 4:49

Next time just take them to see that new Planet of the Apes movie.

daniel1_1 | 13

#3061566 - Monday 8 August 2011 5:43

Killer Klowns From Outer Space.

chuckychan | 8

#3062246 - Monday 8 August 2011 7:59

future job opening at the circus for you? Way to beat the economy.

number0 | 8

#3062335 - Monday 8 August 2011 8:18

Coulrophobia at its finest :)

taylor714 | 7

#4089623 - Sunday 26 February 2012 2:02

tht movie was so corny tht it was actually funny

By Kwejee | 1

#3060204 - Monday 8 August 2011 0:58

I don't blame them. Clowns are fucking scary.

cmyk | 19

#3060300 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:04

True that.. Clowns are not cool. Not the slightest..

Legolandlord | 4

#3060956 - Monday 8 August 2011 3:12

What about old clowns?

ubetrwatchBN | 5

#3061901 - Monday 8 August 2011 6:54

Unless they get hurt. Then it's hilarious. Lol

SirObvious | 1

#3062453 - Monday 8 August 2011 8:47

Who's the clown now?

bluejayfan02 | 27

#3062928 - Monday 8 August 2011 9:45

once this clown chaced me around for 5 minute .. flipin scary

By ckr911 | 5

#3060205 - Monday 8 August 2011 0:58

......I really hope you wore underwear. O.o

ifailplzinsultme | 0

#3060630 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:47

What if he wore his Hello Kitty underwear? I can't say that I've never worn em

reallytho3 | 11

#3061028 - Monday 8 August 2011 3:24

Lol theirs no fun in wearing underwear

WellThatSucksMaj | 0

#3061131 - Monday 8 August 2011 3:54

Horrified looks from everyone in the room......

phatdaddy62 | 23

#3062092 - Monday 8 August 2011 7:35

I believe op is female. No panties please!

By BIEBERSLAYER | 10

#3060248 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:00

They should be scared "it" can travel through your drains on it's way to kill you

Natty7 | 0

#3061811 - Monday 8 August 2011 6:37

That movie gave me terrible nightmares. lol.

Psychoticninja | 4

#3062629 - Monday 8 August 2011 9:03

D: Whenever I take a shower I have to distract myself from looking at the drain otherwise I get super scared.

InvaderAmi | 4

#3062778 - Monday 8 August 2011 9:22

Oh man, that movie was fuckin' scary...
Urf.

BelleBelle_fml | 11

#3063005 - Monday 8 August 2011 10:06

Tim Curry is awesome!

steveakafranxy | 7

#3067334 - Tuesday 9 August 2011 1:34

I heard they're remaking it. I'm definitely first in line.

By Jdeluxh | 12

#3060272 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:02

Hopefully you have a clown fetish.

By MrPositive | 0

#3060276 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:02

Clowns are scary I don't blame them

By WCARlover | 34

#3060323 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:06

I don't get why clowns are at circuses anymore...movies have ruined them for kids forever

lolololer | 8

#3061285 - Monday 8 August 2011 4:47

Joker *shudders*

BIEBERSLAYER | 10

#3061466 - Monday 8 August 2011 5:22

The joker is nice compared to "IT"

Nerdfightersrule | 11

#4285763 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:10

i know

By hzlzkgzkgzchxuxh | 3

#3060326 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:06

Haha, clowns scare the sh** outta me too

By perdix | 29

#3060386 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:10

The clown was pissed because the joke in your shorts was funnier than any of his gags.

By RavenLovesGir | 0

#3060487 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:22

I would of done the exact same thing. Clowns are fucked up...

JROlivo | 0

#4034208 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 16:28

You say you are one of the few people who know how to type with correct grammar. Lol. Yet in your comment you said "would OF" instead of 'would HAVE'. (: great day.

Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#5908906 - Wednesday 9 April 2014 3:49

Well, she doesn't know correct grammar then, does she? ;)