Kids: Today, I took my kids to the circus. We were having fun, right...

By SheaLili - United States

Today, I took my kids to the circus. We were having fun, right up until the point they saw an old man dressed as a clown, at which point they screamed, grabbed onto my shorts, and managed to accidentally pull them down. FML

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Kids

Rich people problems

Lobbied

Thanks, government

By Sarah - United States

Today, my mom barged into my room at three in the morning, demanding to know where I'd been. I'd been in my room sleeping since ten o'clock. In that time she had called the police, all of my friends, and my ex-boyfriend, asking if I was with them. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wentzville

Today, I was pulled over by a police officer because he thought I was skipping school. I'm 24 and we graduated high school together. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was on the bus going to formal for my sorority. I was sitting in the 5th row of the bus when I felt raindrops on my face coming through the open window. I then realized it wasn't raining, but the girl in the 1st row was throwing up out her window and it was coming back in through my window. FML

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By imcold - United States

Today, a stranger was kind enough to plow my driveway during a blizzard. However, they were not kind enough to leave their number after plowing the front end of my car. FML

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By Tony - United States

Today, I was talking to my mom about who I wanted to ask to prom. I told her the names of the girls I was thinking of asking and she replied, "They'll say no, but you can always go with one of your cousins." FML

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By awkwardgayboi - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have our first "Cybering" experience. I downloaded Skype per his instructions, and hooked up my cam. Just as everything started getting hot and heavy, I farted. He stopped and frowned. I had no idea it was a video AND voice program. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while talking online with my boyfriend, the conversation turns sexual. He stops responding but I continue with the conversation. Then I get a response: "this is his sister. He fell asleep and I need the computer. I'll tell him you said goodnight, but not that other stuff". FML

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By caly - United States

Today, while at my mom’s house, my mom told me that I need to seriously curb my food intake. Then I went to my dad’s house and he told me I need to gain weight. I can’t win here. FML

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By Tickettoride - Austria - Vienna

Today, my boyfriend and I stressed out preparing for our one week holiday. We packed for the whole day, said goodbye to everyone and arrived at the airport quite exhausted after a 45-minute train ride. Turns out our flight isn't until tomorrow. The check-in lady couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Red Deer

Today, I saw a dog trying to attack a man. I have experience working with aggressive dogs, so I pulled the dog off him and got it under control. The man punched me in the face for not having my dog on a leash. It wasn't my dog. I don't even own a dog. FML

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By Eyalsh - Germany - Greifswald

Today, I came back to my dormitory after a long shift at work. After using the toilet, I looked at myself in the mirror, only to find a huge piece of food stuck between my front teeth. I work at one of the fanciest restaurants in town; nobody bothered to tell me anything. FML

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By mainey92 - United States

Today, I heard a rumor about myself going around my high school that I am pregnant, I've dropped out of school, and that my belly is showing. I'm not actually pregnant. I've been severely depressed, so I've missed a few days of school and I've been eating too much apparently. FML

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By jake - United States

Today, as my girlfriend and I were on a romantic dinner for two, I tried pulling out the chair for her. She fell. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my best friend told me he loved me, so I reminded him that I'm a lesbian. "That's just a phase, just wait till you suck my dick," was his reply. He was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at Wal-Mart and I asked a guy who worked there where the scrapbooking stuff was. He led me to the aisle where it was and then said, "By the way, I don't work here." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I saw a woman run down my street screaming, "Fuck you cops! I can drive under the influence if I want to!" It took me a second to realize it was my mother. FML

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By "mbrider"

Today, I saved a woman from drowning at a pool where I lifeguard, but when I got her out of the water she started screaming about sexual assault. Apparently I accidentally brushed her breasts when pulling her up and out of the water. She wants to sue me. FML

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By Peggy Peggerson - 9/10/2020 02:03 - United States

It's the new craze!

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I’d feel comfortable pegging him. I had no idea what that meant, so I had to look it up. I tried to keep an open mind but it was just too far outside my comfort zone. Now he’s sulking and complaining about me being a prude. FML

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By failed_catgirl - Canada

Meow meow

Today, for my boyfriend's 19th birthday, I decided to dress up as a sexy cat girl for him, complete with ears, tail, matching sexy underwear, collar and leash. He wouldn't stop laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands - Herkenbosch

Today, I tried coming on to my fiancé. He just pushed me off and got out of bed, saying he wasn't in the mood. A half hour later, I caught him jerking off to several windows of porn. FML

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By Seline

Today, I woke up on the top bunk of my bed with the birds chirping. I felt so energized, I gave a big stretch, and my hand hit the ceiling. I accidentally pushed the ceiling board up and lots of tiny spiders fell on me and my bed. FML

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By ks.swan13

Today, I got a call about my dog who went missing a week ago. The guy who called said "We have your dog, but you aren't getting her back." Then he hung up. FML

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By Novocain - Australia

Today, I went to my new dentist and before he started looking at my teeth, I told him my previous dentist had never found a single thing wrong with my teeth. After looking around, he chuckled humourlessly and called my last dentist idiotic. I now have a $580 bill and a root canal next week. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, after feeling like I've been sucking as a friend and contacting a friend who has called me their best friend, but doesn't talk to me much, we grabbed a coffee. The whole time I was trying to have a conversation, she was on her phone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Burnsville

Today, my son had to call me from his school's principal's office because he was disrupting his health class by laughing whenever the teacher said "sex". My son is 16. FML

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By photogirl - United States

Today, my external hard drive broke. My husband tried to fix it, and the computer told him he needed to format it. Apparently he didn't know what formatting does, so he did it. I'm a wedding photographer and had a full summer of unfinished wedding photography on there. FML

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By honeymoonisover - United States

Today, my husband of one week lost his wedding ring while we were preparing for a dinner party. After a thorough search and no luck, I started to cry. He told me to quit being a drama queen because we had guests. He then got drunk with his friends, puked on the patio, and called me a bitch. FML

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By Shauna - United States

Today, I had to go to my daughter's school because she hasn't been going to class. Her teacher seemed surprised to see me with my husband when we arrived. Apparently I "died" recently and my daughter has had extra responsibility around the house, hence why she doesn't come to class. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, 50,000 copies of the new edition of the town's phone book came out. I manage a pizza place and bought a full menu ad. Apparently the ad designer got confused, as they placed my cell phone number in huge bold letters at the bottom of the ad instead of the store's phone number. FML

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By Wraith - Canada - Holland Landing

Today, because I'm tall enough to see over the cubicle walls at work, I witnessed my 50-year-old co-worker pulling his finger out of his nose and immediately popping it into his mouth. FML

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By stillaproudfather - United States

Today, my daughter admitted why her grades, which are usually straight A's, have been slipping the past few weeks. Turns out she has been deliberately failing tests to avoid becoming valedictorian, so she won't have to deliver a speech at graduation. FML

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By twoheadedboy - Canada

Today, I got industrial toilet cleaner in my eyes. Despite the raging fire party going on behind my eyelids, I resisted the urge to stop, drop, and roll, and calmly got in the shower to wash it off. Wherein I promptly slipped, fell, and whacked my head full-force on the bathtub on the way down. FML

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By justine - United States

Today, I went to see a play. I'm pregnant, so I always need to pee. At intermission, I ran to use the bathroom, but there was a really long line. I asked the woman in front of me if I could pass her. She responded, "You don't look pregnant!", and lectured me about lying while I peed my pants. FML

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By Sonofa - Canada - Cold Lake

Today, I brought my girlfriend home for the first time to meet my parents. They were having a heated argument because my mom had bought "the wrong toilet paper" and my dad was angry because "she should know that he has a sensitive anus". FML

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By goddamitme - United States

Today, My girlfriend came from behind me and put her hand in my back pockets. I though it was someone trying to take my wallet, I elbowed her in the nose and broke it. FML

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By Broeman - United States

Today, I found some charges on my credit card for two round trip tickets to Las Vegas. Turns out my daughter and her stoner, unemployed boyfriend stole my credit card and flew to Vegas over the weekend to get married. I paid for my daughter's elopement. FML

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By boredatwork - Canada

Today, I was caught going on Facebook at work. I was called into my boss' office to be reprimanded, and while he was lecturing me on the importance of staying focussed and the misuse of company property, his computer beeped. It was his Facebook chat notifying him of a new message. FML

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By woodless - Canada - Toronto

Today, I came home to find all of the wood in my house either broken or gone. On the now legless table there was a note from my mother, saying that she needed the wood to build a boat, and that I will thank her when the world ends. FML

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By anon... - United States - Washington

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 4 months. He was always worried I would cheat on him, so he cheated on me. FML

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By Yikes - United States - Cumberland

Today, I finally found the single flaw in my perfect boyfriend. It's herpes. Genital herpes. FML

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Top comments

By Kwejee | 1

#3060204 - Monday 8 August 2011 0:58

I don't blame them. Clowns are fucking scary.

By ckr911 | 5

#3060205 - Monday 8 August 2011 0:58

......I really hope you wore underwear. O.o

COMMENTS

By Simpson143 | 2

#3060182 - Monday 8 August 2011 0:56

You never know! Maybe he was a pedophile...?

WCARlover | 34

#3060397 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:11

He who? Her kid? The clown wasn't the one who did it

AaronTkr | 0

#3060446 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:16

if OP is a girl, that's hawt :3

Simpson143 | 2

#3060654 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:50

Yeah I know, but old man in a clown suit? I guess I'm the only one who finds that creepy.

baddud300 | 6

#3061311 - Monday 8 August 2011 4:49

Next time just take them to see that new Planet of the Apes movie.

daniel1_1 | 13

#3061566 - Monday 8 August 2011 5:43

Killer Klowns From Outer Space.

chuckychan | 8

#3062246 - Monday 8 August 2011 7:59

future job opening at the circus for you? Way to beat the economy.

number0 | 8

#3062335 - Monday 8 August 2011 8:18

Coulrophobia at its finest :)

taylor714 | 7

#4089623 - Sunday 26 February 2012 2:02

tht movie was so corny tht it was actually funny

By Kwejee | 1

#3060204 - Monday 8 August 2011 0:58

I don't blame them. Clowns are fucking scary.

cmyk | 19

#3060300 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:04

True that.. Clowns are not cool. Not the slightest..

Legolandlord | 4

#3060956 - Monday 8 August 2011 3:12

What about old clowns?

ubetrwatchBN | 5

#3061901 - Monday 8 August 2011 6:54

Unless they get hurt. Then it's hilarious. Lol

SirObvious | 1

#3062453 - Monday 8 August 2011 8:47

Who's the clown now?

bluejayfan02 | 27

#3062928 - Monday 8 August 2011 9:45

once this clown chaced me around for 5 minute .. flipin scary

By ckr911 | 5

#3060205 - Monday 8 August 2011 0:58

......I really hope you wore underwear. O.o

ifailplzinsultme | 0

#3060630 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:47

What if he wore his Hello Kitty underwear? I can't say that I've never worn em

reallytho3 | 11

#3061028 - Monday 8 August 2011 3:24

Lol theirs no fun in wearing underwear

WellThatSucksMaj | 0

#3061131 - Monday 8 August 2011 3:54

Horrified looks from everyone in the room......

phatdaddy62 | 23

#3062092 - Monday 8 August 2011 7:35

I believe op is female. No panties please!

By BIEBERSLAYER | 10

#3060248 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:00

They should be scared "it" can travel through your drains on it's way to kill you

Natty7 | 0

#3061811 - Monday 8 August 2011 6:37

That movie gave me terrible nightmares. lol.

Psychoticninja | 4

#3062629 - Monday 8 August 2011 9:03

D: Whenever I take a shower I have to distract myself from looking at the drain otherwise I get super scared.

InvaderAmi | 4

#3062778 - Monday 8 August 2011 9:22

Oh man, that movie was fuckin' scary...
Urf.

BelleBelle_fml | 11

#3063005 - Monday 8 August 2011 10:06

Tim Curry is awesome!

steveakafranxy | 7

#3067334 - Tuesday 9 August 2011 1:34

I heard they're remaking it. I'm definitely first in line.

By Jdeluxh | 12

#3060272 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:02

Hopefully you have a clown fetish.

By MrPositive | 0

#3060276 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:02

Clowns are scary I don't blame them

By WCARlover | 34

#3060323 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:06

I don't get why clowns are at circuses anymore...movies have ruined them for kids forever

lolololer | 8

#3061285 - Monday 8 August 2011 4:47

Joker *shudders*

BIEBERSLAYER | 10

#3061466 - Monday 8 August 2011 5:22

The joker is nice compared to "IT"

Nerdfightersrule | 11

#4285763 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:10

i know

By hzlzkgzkgzchxuxh | 3

#3060326 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:06

Haha, clowns scare the sh** outta me too

By perdix | 29

#3060386 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:10

The clown was pissed because the joke in your shorts was funnier than any of his gags.

By RavenLovesGir | 0

#3060487 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:22

I would of done the exact same thing. Clowns are fucked up...

JROlivo | 0

#4034208 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 16:28

You say you are one of the few people who know how to type with correct grammar. Lol. Yet in your comment you said "would OF" instead of 'would HAVE'. (: great day.

Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#5908906 - Wednesday 9 April 2014 3:49

Well, she doesn't know correct grammar then, does she? ;)