Kids: Today, I took my kids to the circus. We were having fun, right...

By SheaLili - United States

Today, I took my kids to the circus. We were having fun, right up until the point they saw an old man dressed as a clown, at which point they screamed, grabbed onto my shorts, and managed to accidentally pull them down. FML

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Kids

Understandable

There's no helping some people

Lockdown is driving us down

By datgurllllukno - United States

Food for thought

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, I discovered that I climax sooner if I think about pretzels. Yes, pretzels. The food product. I'll never be able to eat them again. FML

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By babyblues - United States - Woodhaven

Today, this guy I've been dating for a few months freaked out and called his mom crying, because I told him I might be pregnant with his baby. He is 27. I didn't even take a pregnancy test yet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Antioch

Today, I overheard my mom complaining to her friends about her uncontrollable queefing problem. Excuse me while I find a therapist. FML

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By 2ndplacechamp - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I were driving to a costume party. On the way, we got into an argument and she kicked me out of her car. I had to walk around the city center in an Iron Man outfit trying to find the party venue. FML

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By heckaza - Australia - Werribee

Today, I went to visit a suburb that was named after my family. Within five minutes of walking around I was mugged and then beat up. My family name has certainly done well for itself. FML

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By ishouldhidethekeys - United Kingdom

Today, my son thought he'd take my new car for a drive without permission. He accelerated straight into a tree, reversed into a lamppost and then accelerated again into the neighbours car. FML

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By waxer150 - United States - Ashtabula

Today, while waxing a client's chest, I forgot to have him turn his head. When I ripped the strip, I punched him in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was shopping at Walmart, when a large lady and her friend blocked the aisle I was trying to go down. After saying, "Excuse me," twice and being ignored, I pushed my way through. After getting past, I looked back and noticed she was glaring at me while signing to her friend. FML

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By Aciliveth - Canada

Today, I had to get an ultrasound, which required me to drink 3 glasses of water beforehand. The doctor said I had too much and told me to go pee out just a little and come back. It took a lot of effort to hold the rest in. The first thing she did when I got back was press on my abdomen. I peed myself. FML

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By KMAC - United States

Today, I found out my fiancé is in a long distance relationship with his ex. Not only do we live on the same island, he's also my neighbor and my co-worker. FML

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By Apparentlycreepy - United States

Today, I got rejected by two different guys. One was my ex-boyfriend who said he wanted to keep our friendship, and the other was a guy I went on a date with who faked a European accent the whole time during our date despite him being born and raised in Texas. FML

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By - United States - Ithaca

Today, my first grade student apologized for cutting his bangs off in class, and explained that it was his mom's birthday and he had wanted to make her an origami flower. Out of his hair. FML

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By anonymous

Today, I broke up with my girlfriend of a year because I discovered she had been cheating on me. Her defense was, "It wouldn't be a problem if you were just OK with this." FML

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By CaoiiBieber - Ireland

Today, I accidentally deep throated a fork. FML

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By reject - United Kingdom

Today, when taking a group picture with my closest friends, a passing parent congratulated us on getting into the same university for next year. She's wrong. They're all going to Cambridge, except for me. I was rejected. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I finally found the words to describe how I felt after 2 years of depression. I asked on Yahoo Answers what I should do next. The most 'helpful' answer told me to go on a picnic. FML

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By Sursion - Canada

Today, I was talking to a friend of mine over webcam, when I saw a scary looking man in a grey hoodie creeping around in the background. I loudly proclaimed "Paige! Who is that creepy looking guy behind you?" Turns out it was her mom. She heard everything. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I caught a ride with a coworker in their brand new mercedes. They spent the drive passionately talking about how it made them a better driver and all the people that say otherwise are idiots. After running three stop signs and nearly sideswiped a mini-van I decided to walk the last mile. FML

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By fuckdubstep51 - United States - Willingboro

Today, my boss gave me a warning for "insulting our best customer" after she saw a comment on her customer card saying "stop giving this fat bitch free samples." My boss had written it in the first place, but refuses to either remember or admit it. FML

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By alealovespurple - Canada

Today, I went through my 15 year old daughter's internet history. On google she searched 'Excuses to get away from your dad' and 5 other variations of the same thing. We were supposed to be having a father daughter day tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was so disgusted by my own body, I took a shower in the dark so I wouldn't have to look at myself. FML

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By ehbe - France

Today, I heard my next door neighbour screaming as if someone was trying to slice her throat. Her window was open. Intrigued, I went onto my balcony and asked if everything was okay, and if she needed anything. She and her boyfriend shout back in unison: "We're F*ing, go away". FML

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By Neuronerd - United States - Richmond

Today, my Uber driver tried to detour my trip home to take me on a date to Waffle House, even after I showed zero interest and talked about my boyfriend non-stop. FML

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By Ahh - 14/8/2020 23:02

The curse

Today, as usual, my period cramps got go bad that I can't eat or drink without taking a pain killer, and end up puking and passing out if I take a pain killer before I eat. Here's to 30 smooth years yet to come. FML

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By watch_corn_dance - United States - Pontiac

Today, I was being shown how to use a nail gun while applying for a job at a construction company. The instructor shot me in the arm with it. I didn't even get the job. FML

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By Jack00412 - United States - Montague

Today, I walked outside to find my 3 year old daughter and her pet fish playing together on the swings. FML

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By annababyyyy - United States - Rockville

Today, my boyfriend pretended to be reading braille while touching my chest acne. FML

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By ihatemylife - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. When I asked her why she did, she said that the psychic that she was texting (one of those 44644 numbers) said we have a 2% compatibility rating. How does that explain 4 years of happy dating? FML

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By Eternal Servitude - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom decided to have a get together at my house while I was at work. When I came home, she pulled me aside and asked me to pretend to be her maid. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a local Indian takeaway, since I'm from India originally, and none of my friends speak Hindi. I went up to the counter and placed my order in Hindi with the seemingly Indian owner. He gave me a weird look and said, "Huh? Speak English, ya rimjob." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Marcos

Today, my mom wished me "Happy Conception Day." FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2020 20:01 - United States - San Mateo

Compassionate dad, huh?

Today, I was having an emotional breakdown. I'm unhappy a lot and don't know why. It's very confusing. My dad yelled at me, telling me, "You have no right to be sad!" I'm even more confused now. Help. FML

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By ApparentWeirdo

Today, my boyfriend called me weird because I keep gloves in the glove box in my car. He's never seen that before. FML

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By franzbiel - Switzerland

Randy Daddy

Today, my father decided that since he's paying for my flat, he will use it twice a week to have it off with his girlfriend while I'm away. My parents are still together. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

TODAY, I PRESSED CAPS LOCK ON MY LAPTOP AND THE KEY GOT STUCK. NOW ALL OF MY LETTERS ARE IN CAPITAL LETTERS. I HAVE TRIED EVERYTHING. FML

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By gemma - United Kingdom - Belfast

Today, I figured out how serious my weight problem really is when my boyfriend had to lift a fat roll before he could enter me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Montebello

Today, my soon-to-be stepson, 13, decided that he and I needed to spend "more quality time" together. His idea? We should start "bonding" by taking a bath together. When I said no, he told me I was being unfair, and that if I really loved him, I'd do it. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Today, I was told by my teacher that she had 'given up' teaching me because someone had told her I have a mental illness, and that I don't understand what she says. FML

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By marquez_jasmine - Canada - Kingston

Today, after feeling a little down about myself and looking for comfort from my boyfriend, he told me that my stretch marks make me look like a tiger. FML

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By Mamallama

Today, I leaned down to pick up my infant son from his highchair. He reached up and grabbed the first thing available to him: my nipple. I got purple-nurpled by my baby. FML

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Top comments

By Kwejee | 1

#3060204 - Monday 8 August 2011 0:58

I don't blame them. Clowns are fucking scary.

By ckr911 | 5

#3060205 - Monday 8 August 2011 0:58

......I really hope you wore underwear. O.o

COMMENTS

By Simpson143 | 2

#3060182 - Monday 8 August 2011 0:56

You never know! Maybe he was a pedophile...?

WCARlover | 34

#3060397 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:11

He who? Her kid? The clown wasn't the one who did it

AaronTkr | 0

#3060446 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:16

if OP is a girl, that's hawt :3

Simpson143 | 2

#3060654 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:50

Yeah I know, but old man in a clown suit? I guess I'm the only one who finds that creepy.

baddud300 | 6

#3061311 - Monday 8 August 2011 4:49

Next time just take them to see that new Planet of the Apes movie.

daniel1_1 | 13

#3061566 - Monday 8 August 2011 5:43

Killer Klowns From Outer Space.

chuckychan | 8

#3062246 - Monday 8 August 2011 7:59

future job opening at the circus for you? Way to beat the economy.

number0 | 8

#3062335 - Monday 8 August 2011 8:18

Coulrophobia at its finest :)

taylor714 | 7

#4089623 - Sunday 26 February 2012 2:02

tht movie was so corny tht it was actually funny

By Kwejee | 1

#3060204 - Monday 8 August 2011 0:58

I don't blame them. Clowns are fucking scary.

cmyk | 19

#3060300 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:04

True that.. Clowns are not cool. Not the slightest..

Legolandlord | 4

#3060956 - Monday 8 August 2011 3:12

What about old clowns?

ubetrwatchBN | 5

#3061901 - Monday 8 August 2011 6:54

Unless they get hurt. Then it's hilarious. Lol

SirObvious | 1

#3062453 - Monday 8 August 2011 8:47

Who's the clown now?

bluejayfan02 | 27

#3062928 - Monday 8 August 2011 9:45

once this clown chaced me around for 5 minute .. flipin scary

By ckr911 | 5

#3060205 - Monday 8 August 2011 0:58

......I really hope you wore underwear. O.o

ifailplzinsultme | 0

#3060630 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:47

What if he wore his Hello Kitty underwear? I can't say that I've never worn em

reallytho3 | 11

#3061028 - Monday 8 August 2011 3:24

Lol theirs no fun in wearing underwear

WellThatSucksMaj | 0

#3061131 - Monday 8 August 2011 3:54

Horrified looks from everyone in the room......

phatdaddy62 | 23

#3062092 - Monday 8 August 2011 7:35

I believe op is female. No panties please!

By BIEBERSLAYER | 10

#3060248 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:00

They should be scared "it" can travel through your drains on it's way to kill you

Natty7 | 0

#3061811 - Monday 8 August 2011 6:37

That movie gave me terrible nightmares. lol.

Psychoticninja | 4

#3062629 - Monday 8 August 2011 9:03

D: Whenever I take a shower I have to distract myself from looking at the drain otherwise I get super scared.

InvaderAmi | 4

#3062778 - Monday 8 August 2011 9:22

Oh man, that movie was fuckin' scary...
Urf.

BelleBelle_fml | 11

#3063005 - Monday 8 August 2011 10:06

Tim Curry is awesome!

steveakafranxy | 7

#3067334 - Tuesday 9 August 2011 1:34

I heard they're remaking it. I'm definitely first in line.

By Jdeluxh | 12

#3060272 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:02

Hopefully you have a clown fetish.

By MrPositive | 0

#3060276 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:02

Clowns are scary I don't blame them

By WCARlover | 34

#3060323 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:06

I don't get why clowns are at circuses anymore...movies have ruined them for kids forever

lolololer | 8

#3061285 - Monday 8 August 2011 4:47

Joker *shudders*

BIEBERSLAYER | 10

#3061466 - Monday 8 August 2011 5:22

The joker is nice compared to "IT"

Nerdfightersrule | 11

#4285763 - Tuesday 10 April 2012 20:10

i know

By hzlzkgzkgzchxuxh | 3

#3060326 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:06

Haha, clowns scare the sh** outta me too

By perdix | 29

#3060386 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:10

The clown was pissed because the joke in your shorts was funnier than any of his gags.

By RavenLovesGir | 0

#3060487 - Monday 8 August 2011 1:22

I would of done the exact same thing. Clowns are fucked up...

JROlivo | 0

#4034208 - Tuesday 14 February 2012 16:28

You say you are one of the few people who know how to type with correct grammar. Lol. Yet in your comment you said "would OF" instead of 'would HAVE'. (: great day.

Hiimhaileypotter | 52

#5908906 - Wednesday 9 April 2014 3:49

Well, she doesn't know correct grammar then, does she? ;)