Intimacy: Today, I took my girlfriend to a family dinner so she could meet...

By Anonymous - Greece - Athens

Today, I took my girlfriend to a family dinner so she could meet my parents. Over the dinner, she asked my dad what's he's been up to since he retired. He replied, "recreational gynecology, my dear" and gave her a weird wink. FML

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36136

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Intimacy

The smell detective is on the case

Jonah begs to differ

Ideal first date

By fml9124 - 25/4/2020 20:00

Not now!

Today, the best manager I've ever had told me she was leaving to take a job at another company. I just found out my new manager is a guy that has destroyed three different departments in three years. He's the owner's nephew or something. I do not want to be looking for a new job during the Covid-19 pandemic. FML

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1693

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107

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By JustAnotherTina - this FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - Australia

Appropriate?

Today, I got an email. It said, "Everyone hates you. We voted." FML

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40380

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5755

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By Ovie

Today, I got caught absent-mindedly fondling my knob in front of Love Island. FML

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448

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1638

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By crazybitch - Canada - Okotoks

Not a morning person

Today, I learned that when my girlfriend told me that she's a different person without coffee and smokes in the morning, she wasn't kidding; after I'd asked her how she'd slept, she bitched me out for "mocking her" and hurled a hairdryer at my head. FML

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26914

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4025

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By Stef

Today, as I was about to go to bed, the lid came off a brand new bottle of laundry detergent and it toppled down my carpeted basement steps. 3 hours, 2 dozen microfiber cloths, and a bucket of water later and my steps are still full of suds. I went to bed at 3 am and my 10 week old was up at 4 am. FML

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2590

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282

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By soldnone - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had a booth at a very expensive craft show. My grandma came to show her support. While there, she managed to knock over my display, get in the way of potential buyers and take down a rather old lady when she supposedly stumbled. This all happened in the first five minutes she was there. FML

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24375

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1968

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By MCMB33 - United States

Today, I caught my pregnant wife smoking. This is after I quit over a month ago to show her my support and be a good influence on our child. FML

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37826

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3064

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By lynn - Australia - Bongaree

Today, my new roommate woke me up at noon to bitch about my "selfish sleeping habits" and how they ruin her ability to invite anyone over. I work the graveyard shift at the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30193

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2081

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By SoundConfuser - Australia

Today, after spending the three previous nights cursing the noisiest bird alive that continually disrupts my sleep to the point where I just want to smash the damn thing's head in with a rock, I realised it's been my pedestal fan the entire time. FML

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7433

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32096

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By tbalboa - United States

Today, a cop pulled me over and started bitching me out. He was certain I'd been drinking, because, "Nobody goes to Albertacos this late at night unless they're drunk." FML

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31673

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3259

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lost my job. I was so upset that I put in my favorite mix CD of all the songs that get me feeling better. While scanning for my favorite song, I hit the car in front of me. FML

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12145

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By anonymous - Canada

Today, I was walking to school. I started running to catch up with my friend. I yelled her name, and she turned around in time to watch me slip on a sheet of ice, fall face first, and pass out. When she ran to my side, I unconsciously peed on her. FML

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33299

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4286

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By _The__Doctor_ - United States - Venice

Today, my skydiving instructor casually remarked that he wouldn't mind "diving into" me sometime. He was strapped to my back the whole way down. FML

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42140

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By gj09 - United States

Today, my family sat me down and told me I was spending way too much time with my boyfriend and not enough time with them. My boyfriend has been away in Iraq for six months and just came home a week ago. FML

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46601

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By Elis - United States

Today, my mom bought me a t-shirt from the store. It has the U.S. Marines logo on it and says "Marines' Girlfriend". I'm a straight 16 year old boy and my mom only reads and speaks Spanish. FML

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61524

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4767

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By sadnj

Today, I was supposed to go on a date with my attractive and seemingly charming neighbor. Yesterday, his house was raided and he was arrested for running a heroin ring. FML

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5293

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385

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By Twitchy - Bahamas

Today, I watched a cat pounce on a small bird and rip it to shreds, feather by feather. It wouldn't have been any worse than mildly disturbing, had I not just spent the last 4 weeks nursing the bird back to health from a broken wing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32674

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3134

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By spleechick - United States

Today, I decided to bleach my belly hair. I bought some body hair bleach at the drug store, and I used it exactly as instructed. When I removed it, I was horrified to see my belly was about three shades lighter than the rest of my body. The hair was still exactly the same darkness. FML

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18271

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24541

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By Icey_dan1 - France

Today, I tried to jump between the train doors to make it in on time. And missed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12789

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27520

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By mandy - United States

Today, I went out with my family and boyfriend for dinner. We were all having a good time, and suddenly at the end of dinner he decides to kneel down on one knee, take out an engagement ring, and say "I choose you, Pikachu," with a straight face. He was serious. FML

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137321

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33263

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my girlfriend and I had an argument. She admitted she didn't know why she was pissed at me, but still is, and now she won't talk to me. FML

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28417

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4159

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By hitmutefirst - United States

Today, I had just opened up some porn on my laptop when my mom walked into my room, so I slammed the laptop shut. I didn't know the speakers continue to function after the laptop is closed. FML

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18557

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50292

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By sarah - United States

Today, I was at the Apple Store taking random pictures of myself. I took one with a really stupid face. This girl passes by and says, "Wow, that's a cool effect! You look just like an alien!" I wasn't using any effects. It was a regular picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks

51969

You deserved it

10951

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By sheisselluv - Germany - Gera

Today, was my first day of work in my life. I was excited, and so was my dad, who saw me to the door and ruffled my hair as he wished me luck. I didn't notice until half an hour after arriving at work that he'd stuck his gum in my hair. Nobody bothered to tell me. FML

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48241

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4184

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By ILTali - United States

Today, I was at a party and we were all playing Seven Minutes in Heaven. It was my crush's turn to spin the bottle so my heart started pounding. The bottle pointed towards me! Then my crush said, "With her it'd be 'Seven Minutes in Hell'. Just skip me." FML

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121589

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8152

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a repairman woke me up so he could change the filter in my furnace. This would have been fine, except he didn't wake me up until he was already in my room, where I was sleeping naked. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30189

You deserved it

4616

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By gymgirl - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, while at the gym, I noticed a creepy-looking guy watching me. When I got up from the equipment, I noticed that he sniffed the seat. I didn't say anything the first time. After he did it the second time, I asked him to stop. He bent down and sniffed it without breaking eye contact. FML

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51210

You deserved it

3811

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By cacheson - 5/3/2020 03:02

Trip Advisor rating: 5 turds

Today, I checked into a hotel for a work trip. When I walked in, the sheets and bath mat were stained, and there was soap-encrusted hair stuck in my folded towel. When I got back later in the day, all my stuff was gone because they apparently thought I'd checked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1624

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103

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By wtf - United States - Delmar

Today, my grandpa took my face in both hands, kissed me on the lips, said "Now you can tell all your friends you've had your first kiss," and walked out of the room. FML

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52892

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4960

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By ohdearyme - United Kingdom - Guildford

Today, I found out my boyfriend was on a dating website. He came up as an ideal match for my sister. FML

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37340

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3105

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By tj85 - United States

Today, I received a letter in the mail. The letter was from a woman who explained to me every single detail of a three month affair she had with my husband. She included pictures. FML

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44763

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By Anonymous - 17/1/2021 14:01 - United States - Pittsburgh

Cabin fever

Today, the only thing more unbearable than lockdown is lockdown with sloppy roommates, who do nothing but complain about each other behind their backs to me, and also bring up past events like a broken record. FML

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703

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By xoragebaby - United States

Today, I realized my job working with food is getting to me. While having sex with my boyfriend, I fell asleep. He asked me what I was doing, and apparently I sleep-talked, saying "I'm chopping lettuce". FML

I agree, your life sucks

37583

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5005

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By MrRadin - France

Today, my roommate thought of a new idea for our household. According to him, we should take dumps at work as often as we can, that way, "we'll save on toilet paper at home." FML

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21286

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2328

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By SterlingEnigma - United States

Today, I decided to start making healthier decisions. Instead of the usual cheeseburger I have for lunch I ate an apple instead. I took one bite and broke one of my teeth. Apparently, apples keep the doctor away, but not dentists. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37158

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after 4 days of constipation, I finally pooped. Sadly, I was not on the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32678

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3053

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By kiwi - United States

Today, I realized that the most romantic thing that my boyfriend and I have done in the last month is comb lice out of each other's hair. FML

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35567

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11453

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By Meagan smith - United States

Today, I started my new job as a teacher. Worried about how I looked, I asked a coworker if I looked okay. She said, "You look fine. Just like a normal high school kid." I spent the next half hour convincing her that I was not a student, but a teacher. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30159

You deserved it

3643

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By Pokemon problems - Canada - Toronto

Today, I babysat a 10-year-old and we played Pokémon. It was my first time playing, so he showed me. I ended up winning and the kid started crying and told his parents he hated me. They decided not to pay me for the night, and now I'm out of a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27333

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4805

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found out that the crumbs on the couch that look like the oreos you just ate, can actually turn out to be very crunchy, and have legs. FML

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11984

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46025

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Top comments

By Drew167 | 8

#4510078 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:14

Well your dad seems very friendly.

By tennisrapper1 | 14

#4510080 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:14

He is one creepy fellow...

COMMENTS

By 236schertzi | 1

#4510075 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:14

Ouch.

thatgurltori | 6

#4510128 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:18

he sounds like fun!

ucoolgirl31 | 20

#4510136 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:19

Awkward...

Ch0sen | 13

#4510206 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:30

Watch out, dad's dopamine levels are over 9000

MissAmz | 7

#4510412 - Saturday 2 June 2012 3:25

More awkward than 'ouch'.

Hearon20 | 0

#4510815 - Saturday 2 June 2012 5:29

Well, at least it was a creative way to say it.

randii_17 | 11

#4511610 - Saturday 2 June 2012 8:46

How did op deserve it??

kyarush | 10

#4511865 - Saturday 2 June 2012 12:15

Like a baus

By Drew167 | 8

#4510078 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:14

Well your dad seems very friendly.

10K3NNY10 | 0

#4510152 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:24

You could say a little bit too friendly...

biggestfan23 | 11

#4510172 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:26

I guess OP's girl can never sleep over then. His dad might do unspeakable things when she's sleeping

BitchPlease18 | 6

#4510186 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:28

More like a fucking perv!

Brenda37 | 13

#4510191 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:28

That must have been so awkward. Well, at least he "likes" your girlfriend, OP! ;)

Trisha_aus | 15

#4510504 - Saturday 2 June 2012 3:53

Headless bloke without a shirt strikes yet again

Flyersfan54 | 4

#4510864 - Saturday 2 June 2012 5:44

Put a shirt on, tool.

shift_love | 13

#4510906 - Saturday 2 June 2012 5:53

^ what that guy said

biggestfan23 | 11

#4511113 - Saturday 2 June 2012 6:19

#2 put on a shirt for your and ours sake please. Your skin and bones dude

Ch0sen | 13

#4511399 - Saturday 2 June 2012 7:13

No, all of you misunderstand him! His picture is actually a subtle cry for help regarding his extreme malnutrition. Instead of flaming him, we should be sending him food stamps instead.

Lexiloulynn | 2

#4511458 - Saturday 2 June 2012 7:30

Guys, just because you're jealous of him doesn't make it alright to make fun of him. Bullying isn't right.

hellaflushfa5 | 6

#4511636 - Saturday 2 June 2012 8:53

#2 would you happen to be a bag filled with douche?

wannabemom | 5

#4512904 - Saturday 2 June 2012 19:32

Keep it in the family ((;

By tennisrapper1 | 14

#4510080 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:14

He is one creepy fellow...

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4510729 - Saturday 2 June 2012 5:01

Chill. I'm just checking your vagina for fun.

smilessss | 4

#4510760 - Saturday 2 June 2012 5:07

Today, my boyfriends father offered to check my vagina for fun. FML

blondebrunette11 | 4

#4510837 - Saturday 2 June 2012 5:33

He sounds pretty cool. I guess.

onlychildFTW | 33

#4511056 - Saturday 2 June 2012 6:10

Haha seems OP's dad has a crush!!! How cute! Lol.

chokefrantic | 9

#4511769 - Saturday 2 June 2012 10:46

3- I thumbed up just for the pic.

GenaALazer | 22

#4511788 - Saturday 2 June 2012 11:37

114 I thumbed down, just because of the picture.

By anon80214 | 15

#4510082 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:14

That'll be a good story for the future. Hopefully she has a good sense of humor.

Il_Maestro | 6

#4511720 - Saturday 2 June 2012 10:03

And that, kids, is the night your mom met your dad. Or grandad. Whichever you prefer to call him.

By 21jason | 9

#4510083 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:15

He's just rounding up business.

ICastillo | 24

#4510528 - Saturday 2 June 2012 3:58

Hey he just wants make aeverything works and functions right for you OP.

By Skittles_Rawr | 8

#4510085 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:15

Oh god...

ChrisG93 | 8

#4510214 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:31

That's incredibly disturbing... btw like the batman shirt. Lol

Skittles_Rawr | 8

#4510443 - Saturday 2 June 2012 3:35

Haha thank you it's from hottopic x)

ChrisG93 | 8

#4510565 - Saturday 2 June 2012 4:10

Lol thanks for the info, because I'm so gonna run down there and pick one up for myself.

DogsPaw | 16

#4510672 - Saturday 2 June 2012 4:41

Now my mom gets my clothes for me at Hot Topic, I dress like a Nazi

First thing I thought of at the word Hot Topic.

Skittles_Rawr | 8

#4512223 - Saturday 2 June 2012 16:06

UI did get it online do it might not be in stores... It's also a girls shirt. Just thought you'd want to know that....

By gabfoundnemo | 5

#4510089 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:16

Fuck your life.

hockeyoceancity | 13

#4510158 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:24

Hmm... Fits the applications name doesn't it?

starflyer59 | 17

#4510261 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:42

there's a button for your comment.

pokefan813 | 16

#4510404 - Saturday 2 June 2012 3:23

There is a button for that comment as well, sir. (the thumbs down button)...maybe I should take my own advice...

SpottedZebra42 | 14

#4510517 - Saturday 2 June 2012 3:56

Wow, pokefan! Thanks for showing me that amazing button! Let me test it on you.

starflyer59 | 17

#4513947 - Sunday 3 June 2012 1:38

49: I'm a girl.... smh.

By horseridermc | 2

#4510119 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:18

Oh my goodness…

instnt1nfction | 17

#4510433 - Saturday 2 June 2012 3:32

Oh no, your goodness!

By dna629 | 3

#4510130 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:18

That sucks I'm sorry ur dads a pervert :(

asdaasdaasda | 1

#4511774 - Saturday 2 June 2012 11:01

Or maybe just maybe, the guy actually has a decent sense of humour and you shouldn't take it so seriously...

By DarkHelmet | 10

#4510150 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:23

I think your Dad might have just gotten a patient OP