Today, I took my girlfriend to a family dinner so she could meet...

By Anonymous - 1/6/2012 20:46 - Greece - Athens

Today, I took my girlfriend to a family dinner so she could meet my parents. Over the dinner, she asked my dad what's he's been up to since he retired. He replied, "recreational gynecology, my dear" and gave her a weird wink. FML

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Intimacy

Dad jokes, part 43884

Nice neighborhood

Yappy neighborhood

By Anonymous - 30/9/2013 16:22 - United States - Union

Today, while in class, I had to sneeze. Not wanting to make a lot of noise, I held it in, only to instead let out a huge, long fart. Everyone, including the teacher, turned and stared at me intently. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/2/2017 18:00 - United States - Spring Hill

Bunch of Freeloaders...

Today, after having my Wi-Fi unlocked for two years, I decided to lock it since it was running slowly. Everybody in my apartment building came to my door and asked me why I did it. I've been unknowingly providing free Wi-Fi to the entire building for years, but now that it's protected I'm getting constant dirty looks. FML

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By notafan - 7/8/2019 00:01 - United States

Today, I was at a baseball game. This kid in front of me had binoculars and was constantly shouting. Trying to amuse the girl next to me, I leaned over and said, "That kid probably has wet dreams about baseball." She got up and said to the kid, "Come on honey, we're leaving." FML

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By Dave - 7/2/2017 06:00 - United States

Today, a vendor contacted me to let me know that our contract renewal went through. Turns out, I misread our original contract and now I've obligated our company to buy $24k of services, when my boss wanted to cancel it. It's only February and I already know I'm not getting a bonus this year. FML

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By Brilliant... - 25/5/2011 17:44 - United Kingdom

Today, it was my birthday. Some 17 year olds will receive cars as presents from their parents. Mine, however, booked me a plot in the local graveyard. FML

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By DeepFriedZombie - 9/8/2016 00:18

Today, I went to my first job interview. I didn't think I was doing too badly, until the interviewer said, "Wait a second, you're in high school?" I explained that the guy who'd called me had said that this wouldn't be a problem. I then watched as my interviewer left his desk to "deal" with him. FML

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By "bluebird97" - 28/12/2018 20:00

Today, my boyfriend called work because he is sick. Then he called me 4 times while I was working, to complain that I was working, and then he got mad when I told him I was sick and worked a double shift 2 days in a row, apparently that is insensitive of me. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2012 09:43 - Canada

Today, I went to pick a penny off of the ground for good luck. Someone kneed me in the butt, I fell face first and broke my glasses. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2014 22:38 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I was trying to show my family a cool website. Unfortunately my porn instincts kicked in and I started typing the URL of my favorite porn site. I couldn't stop myself before it autocompleted. FML

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By evil Santa - 25/12/2014 03:48 - United States - Solon

Today, I was mugged by a guy in a Santa suit. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/10/2012 01:55 - United States - Palm City

Today, at around 11pm the police made a visit to my house, explaining how my neighbors had thought I was using a universal remote to change their television channels. FML

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By CityBoysNow - 11/9/2013 00:14 - United States - Lake Saint Louis

Today, I hooked up with the guy I've liked for a while, even though my friends joked that his large pickup truck meant that he was "compensating" for having a small penis. They were right. Very right. FML

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By asshole - 29/4/2020 20:00

Fashion Police

Today, I called a company to see why the dress I’d ordered for my best friend hadn’t been delivered. After doing some digging and ruining the surprise, it turns out it had been. Her boyfriend opened the package, deemed the dress "too slutty" and threw it out. He refuses to pay me back. FML

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By singlelady - 26/1/2016 22:24 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, to avoid disappointing my excited great grandmother, I still attended a small family dinner to celebrate my engagement. My fiancé and I split last night, I haven't slept and had to tell her he was caught up at work. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/1/2015 01:25 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, when making a delivery for the restaurant I work for, a customer shoved and yelled at me because she didn't get any fries with her order. She didn't order any, which isn't unusual, considering we're a Chinese takeaway and don't even sell them. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/11/2010 00:00 - United States

Today, I was at Wal-Mart where all the aisles had been moved. An elderly woman asked me where the pet products were, so I told her that I didn't know, but showed her where they could be. An hour later, she came back with security. She'd told them I'd purposefully gotten her lost. They threw me out. FML

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By snorlax - 20/1/2010 00:03 - United States

Today, as I walked into my class, someone shouted at me, "Wild Snorlax Appeared! Use Your Ultra Balls!", since I am overweight and everyone in class laughed at me. I got made fun of by Pokémon nerds. FML

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By germophobe - 2/9/2014 01:53 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my roommate came back from camping. My toothbrush magically reappeared as well. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2019 18:00

Today, on Dr. Phil…

Today, I realized that masturbating to pictures of my girlfriend is better than having sex with her. FML

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By Mike - 25/4/2011 21:39

Today, my house was robbed while I sat helplessly on the toilet with violent diarrhoea. I could hear them laughing hysterically. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2019 20:25

Today, it appears that I spent three years of my life studying for a degree to find myself driving around looking for potholes. That's literally my job. I didn't even study roading, my civil engineering degree is in designing structures. FML

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By wtf - 24/10/2011 22:46 - United Kingdom

Today, my parents staged a family intervention and gave me the grandest bollocking I've ever experienced in all my 22 years of life. They did this because my sister showed them a photo of me jokingly posing with three bottles of Bud Light at a party. Apparently, I'm an alcoholic in denial. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2017 04:00

Today, I found out why my girlfriend removed me from Facebook last week. Turns out she didn't want me to see pics of her with a new boyfriend. How I found out? My coworker, her new boyfriend, left his messenger open during lunch. FML

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By iFail - 25/12/2009 05:18 - United States

Today, I waited anxiously until midnight to open my Christmas presents. As the clock struck midnight, I ran out into the living room, super-excited to open them, only to discover that everyone in our house had already opened theirs, and had all gone to bed. FML

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By Vampire Teabag - 12/2/2015 16:25 - United States - El Paso

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after I beat her once again in a trivia game. She said that I was cheating, and if I was cheating on the game, I was definitely cheating on her as well. FML

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By jdot747 - 18/1/2009 01:48 - Canada

Today, I posted a question on a forum asking if my week old nipple piercing would get hooked on anything easily. People assured me that it would be fine. An hour later I had to climb over a wall to get something and in lowering myself down I forgot about it and dragged my nipple along the wall. FML

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By leelee50 - 10/2/2009 01:41 - United States

Today, my on-and-off boyfriend of 8 years asked me to cheer him up. I told him that I'm in love with him. He said "Oh, I just wanted a blowjob." FML

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By bonehead69 - 31/5/2015 07:06 - United States - Taylorville

Today, I'm so deprived of intimacy that I got a raging boner when a waitress called me "hun". FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2009 17:50 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of three years broke up with me because she found a lot of red lipstick on my neck. The red lipstick was from her lipstick because she came over in the middle of the night when she was really drunk, then left. She refuses to listen to me. FML

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By MiserableGradStudent - 11/12/2017 01:30

Triple Dog Dare

Today, I was teaching my microbiology lab class as a graduate TA. Some dumbass frat boy dared his friend to drink a tube of E. coli and the idiot did it. Now everything in the lab is contaminated with vomit. FML

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By failure - 12/7/2012 16:08 - United States - Hector

Today, in the middle of my online midterm, my computer decided to update and closed out of the test. It can't be retaken. FML

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By awesome - 5/1/2012 17:13 - United States

Today, my Christmas tree was finally shipped. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2017 04:00

Today, three days before their rent was due, my fiancé's friends moved out of our basement without saying a word to us. On their way out, they took an envelope from my locked desk with $800 in it that was for our wedding in six months. FML

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By uhoh901 - 25/3/2010 11:07 - United States

Today, I just had a phone interview with a college. The lady asked me to spell out my password to a site so she can access my test scores. The password was "dick." FML

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By thedancingtit - 7/6/2016 05:11 - United States - Eagle River

Today, I let my brother babysit my 6-year-old daughter. She learned 2 new words from him. One of them was "Hail" and the other one was "Satan". FML

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By NewFiancee - 11/8/2009 00:21 - United States

Today, I went out for dinner with my parents where they asked me if I was still dating my boyfriend so I answered no. They quickly responded by saying, "Oh so you finally got rid of that douchebag? It's not like he was getting anywhere in life anyways." I answered no because he's my fiancé now. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2011 22:26 - United States

Today, I wore my brand new Wonderbra to school. When I got home, my dad looked at me and started laughing hysterically. Between breaths, he asked if anyone actually thought my chest was that big and said "You know why it's called a Wonderbra? Guys take it off and wonder where your tits went." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/1/2015 12:49

Today, I'm on a train, feeling good because I got upgraded to first class. The man opposite me just slid me a note saying, "Wee plooky cunt, fuck off!" Charming. FML

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By fuck you - 26/4/2015 08:19 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I asked the man of my dreams out on a date. His response: "I'd rather eat my own balls." FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2012 01:59 - Canada - Waterdown

Today, I forgot to pay for my train ride for the first time. Today was also the first time I've ever seen transit security checking for people's tickets and kicking offenders off. FML

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Top comments

By Drew167 | 8

#4510078 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:14

Well your dad seems very friendly.

By tennisrapper1 | 14

#4510080 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:14

He is one creepy fellow...

Comments

By 236schertzi | 1

#4510075 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:14

Ouch.

thatgurltori | 6

#4510128 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:18

he sounds like fun!

ucoolgirl31 | 20

#4510136 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:19

Awkward...

Ch0sen | 13

#4510206 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:30

Watch out, dad's dopamine levels are over 9000

MissAmz | 7

#4510412 - Saturday 2 June 2012 3:25

More awkward than 'ouch'.

Hearon20 | 0

#4510815 - Saturday 2 June 2012 5:29

Well, at least it was a creative way to say it.

randii_17 | 11

#4511610 - Saturday 2 June 2012 8:46

How did op deserve it??

kyarush | 10

#4511865 - Saturday 2 June 2012 12:15

Like a baus

By Drew167 | 8

#4510078 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:14

Well your dad seems very friendly.

10K3NNY10 | 0

#4510152 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:24

You could say a little bit too friendly...

biggestfan23 | 11

#4510172 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:26

I guess OP's girl can never sleep over then. His dad might do unspeakable things when she's sleeping

BitchPlease18 | 6

#4510186 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:28

More like a fucking perv!

Brenda37 | 13

#4510191 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:28

That must have been so awkward. Well, at least he "likes" your girlfriend, OP! ;)

Trisha_aus | 15

#4510504 - Saturday 2 June 2012 3:53

Headless bloke without a shirt strikes yet again

Flyersfan54 | 4

#4510864 - Saturday 2 June 2012 5:44

Put a shirt on, tool.

shift_love | 13

#4510906 - Saturday 2 June 2012 5:53

^ what that guy said

biggestfan23 | 11

#4511113 - Saturday 2 June 2012 6:19

#2 put on a shirt for your and ours sake please. Your skin and bones dude

Ch0sen | 13

#4511399 - Saturday 2 June 2012 7:13

No, all of you misunderstand him! His picture is actually a subtle cry for help regarding his extreme malnutrition. Instead of flaming him, we should be sending him food stamps instead.

Lexiloulynn | 2

#4511458 - Saturday 2 June 2012 7:30

Guys, just because you're jealous of him doesn't make it alright to make fun of him. Bullying isn't right.

hellaflushfa5 | 6

#4511636 - Saturday 2 June 2012 8:53

#2 would you happen to be a bag filled with douche?

wannabemom | 5

#4512904 - Saturday 2 June 2012 19:32

Keep it in the family ((;

By tennisrapper1 | 14

#4510080 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:14

He is one creepy fellow...

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4510729 - Saturday 2 June 2012 5:01

Chill. I'm just checking your vagina for fun.

smilessss | 4

#4510760 - Saturday 2 June 2012 5:07

Today, my boyfriends father offered to check my vagina for fun. FML

blondebrunette11 | 4

#4510837 - Saturday 2 June 2012 5:33

He sounds pretty cool. I guess.

onlychildFTW | 33

#4511056 - Saturday 2 June 2012 6:10

Haha seems OP's dad has a crush!!! How cute! Lol.

chokefrantic | 9

#4511769 - Saturday 2 June 2012 10:46

3- I thumbed up just for the pic.

GenaALazer | 22

#4511788 - Saturday 2 June 2012 11:37

114 I thumbed down, just because of the picture.

By anon80214 | 15

#4510082 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:14

That'll be a good story for the future. Hopefully she has a good sense of humor.

Il_Maestro | 6

#4511720 - Saturday 2 June 2012 10:03

And that, kids, is the night your mom met your dad. Or grandad. Whichever you prefer to call him.

By 21jason | 9

#4510083 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:15

He's just rounding up business.

ICastillo | 24

#4510528 - Saturday 2 June 2012 3:58

Hey he just wants make aeverything works and functions right for you OP.

By Skittles_Rawr | 8

#4510085 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:15

Oh god...

ChrisG93 | 8

#4510214 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:31

That's incredibly disturbing... btw like the batman shirt. Lol

Skittles_Rawr | 8

#4510443 - Saturday 2 June 2012 3:35

Haha thank you it's from hottopic x)

ChrisG93 | 8

#4510565 - Saturday 2 June 2012 4:10

Lol thanks for the info, because I'm so gonna run down there and pick one up for myself.

DogsPaw | 16

#4510672 - Saturday 2 June 2012 4:41

Now my mom gets my clothes for me at Hot Topic, I dress like a Nazi

First thing I thought of at the word Hot Topic.

Skittles_Rawr | 8

#4512223 - Saturday 2 June 2012 16:06

UI did get it online do it might not be in stores... It's also a girls shirt. Just thought you'd want to know that....

By gabfoundnemo | 5

#4510089 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:16

Fuck your life.

hockeyoceancity | 13

#4510158 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:24

Hmm... Fits the applications name doesn't it?

starflyer59 | 17

#4510261 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:42

there's a button for your comment.

pokefan813 | 16

#4510404 - Saturday 2 June 2012 3:23

There is a button for that comment as well, sir. (the thumbs down button)...maybe I should take my own advice...

SpottedZebra42 | 14

#4510517 - Saturday 2 June 2012 3:56

Wow, pokefan! Thanks for showing me that amazing button! Let me test it on you.

starflyer59 | 17

#4513947 - Sunday 3 June 2012 1:38

49: I'm a girl.... smh.

By horseridermc | 2

#4510119 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:18

Oh my goodness…

instnt1nfction | 16

#4510433 - Saturday 2 June 2012 3:32

Oh no, your goodness!

By dna629 | 3

#4510130 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:18

That sucks I'm sorry ur dads a pervert :(

asdaasdaasda | 1

#4511774 - Saturday 2 June 2012 11:01

Or maybe just maybe, the guy actually has a decent sense of humour and you shouldn't take it so seriously...

By DarkHelmet | 10

#4510150 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:23

I think your Dad might have just gotten a patient OP