Intimacy: Today, I took my girlfriend to a family dinner so she could meet... - FML

By Anonymous - 01/06/2012 20:46 - Greece - Athens

Spicy

Today, I took my girlfriend to a family dinner so she could meet my parents. Over the dinner, she asked my dad what's he's been up to since he retired. He replied, "recreational gynecology, my dear" and gave her a weird wink. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 168

You deserved it 3 037

Late term

Weird reason to leave, but OK

Coherence dude, do you have it?

By dumbucksally - 31/08/2018 06:00

Today, my 30-year-old boyfriend of 4 years OD'd on his mental health medication, resulting in a trip to the hospital. He said the experience was eye-opening and he wants to be 100% honest with me. He then said he wants to have sex with his biological mother, who he finally met last year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 694

You deserved it 220

Young at heart

By nothreat33 - This FML is from back in 2009 but it's good stuff - United States

Today, it was my 24th birthday. I got a card from my sister that read, "Here's to another year of complete disregard for age-appropriate developmental milestones." She's right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 503

You deserved it 3 833

By Anonymous - 02/09/2019 04:00 - New Zealand - Invercargill

Today, during a family reunion, my 89 year-old grandma stood up and drunkenly made a speech about how ashamed I should be of myself for still being single. She then passed out at the table. Half my family got up to help her, the other half whispered in agreement. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 726

You deserved it 133

By milkshake - 23/01/2013 00:29 - United States - Pasadena

Today, at work at a car dealership, a seemingly overzealous customer shook my hand vigorously after we finalized a deal. I didn't think anything of it until a coworker pointed out that he was just trying to make my breasts jiggle. I'm a man. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 646

You deserved it 6 240

By onlyme - 23/05/2009 05:15 - United States

Today, I was lining a soccer field. I had the entire grid laid out, so I began to paint with a handheld cart. I finished the entire field without looking back once. I forgot to put paint in the cart. I walked around a field for an hour painting with air. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 102

You deserved it 64 754

By Anonymous - 02/08/2013 05:03 - United States - Woodland Hills

Today, after learning that my wife has been cheating on me, I decided to distract myself by playing The Sims. Not long after I began, my Sim's wife basically started cheating on him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 534

You deserved it 6 219

By Forgetable - 21/04/2011 05:27 - United States

Today, a coworker introduced herself to me and told me she hopes I enjoy my new job. We've worked in the same building for two years. I say hello every time I see her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 042

You deserved it 3 004

By Anonymous - 06/02/2016 06:28 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, it's been five days since I started my new job in a new town, just signed a lease on my new apartment too. Now I find out the company's closing down, and since I'm still on probation, I'm told I'm not entitled to any kind of severance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 530

You deserved it 1 925

Shitty prank

By Crohn - 03/07/2021 04:01

Today, when I woke up, I discovered that someone thought it'd be hilarious to set up an obstacle course of boxes and furniture in the dorm hallway. I have Crohn's disease, and the bathroom is at the other end of the hall. No, I didn't make it in time. FML

I agree, your life sucks 800

You deserved it 43

Alexa, play "Dream baby Dream" by Suicide

By Anonymous - 25/03/2021 18:01 - Australia

Today, I awoke from a bizarre dream where I, a man, was pregnant. If that wasn’t weird enough, when I gave birth, it was a pug puppy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 764

You deserved it 119

By generic_name123 - 09/03/2015 13:55 - United States - Washington

Today, I finally got the girl of my dreams' phone number. After texting her "Hey, is this Stephanie?" I got response saying "Sorry bro, I know how you feel, she did the same thing to me." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 489

You deserved it 3 329

By Mary - 16/12/2013 05:14 - United States

Today, I called a pest control company to ask them to come over to my place to help get rid of rats. The person on the phone told me to "be a man and stop acting like a girl". I'm a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 295

You deserved it 3 427

By roberto - 12/11/2010 23:48 - Brazil

Spicy

Today, I was fooling around a bit with my girlfriend while cooking dinner when she said, "Don't get too excited, I want to watch The Princess and the Frog tonight." I just got cockblocked by a Disney movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 640

You deserved it 7 353

By thanksjill - 10/03/2009 22:51 - United States

Today, our school went to an elementary school to read to the kids. One of the girls in my group asked me if she could switch into another group, so I asked her what was wrong with mine. She said, "Nothing, I wanna be in her group. She's prettier." I was insulted by a kindergartner. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 845

You deserved it 3 989

By Paul Williams - 24/06/2011 19:17 - United States

Today, I had my first hockey game after being out with a shoulder injury. I ended up cracking my tail bone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 310

You deserved it 4 461

By Anonymous - 27/11/2012 21:04 - Sweden - ?rsta

Spicy

Today, I was watching a video from the 80s on sexual dysfunctions, and I noticed that one of the boys in the film looked strangely like my dad when he was younger. After a little investigation, I now know that in his youth, my dad had a crippling masturbation problem. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 421

You deserved it 4 142

By anonymous - 07/06/2012 11:00 - United States

Today, I found out I have an incredible fear of butterflies. I discovered this after my mother took me to a butterfly sanctuary for some "mother-daughter bonding time." FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 536

You deserved it 3 735

By sistermonster - 26/02/2014 09:45 - France - Salon-de-provence

Today, my boss fired me. I can't really explain the slap I gave him for it, though. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 414

You deserved it 37 789

By Anonymous - 16/01/2015 01:08 - United States - La Crosse

Today, I gambled on a fart and lost. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 873

You deserved it 17 206

Backstabbing

By Anonymous - 14/02/2021 00:30

Today, I was chilling with my best friend and suddenly I got a text from my ex saying he wanted me back. My best friend saw the text and said, "Don't go back with him, you deserve better." I wanted to go back with him but I didn't. Later, I saw them hanging out and turns out they're dating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 170

You deserved it 112

By Evalynne - 06/04/2013 12:55 - United States - New Orleans

Today, my best friend was throwing me my bachelorette partly. A cop came by and said there have been complaints about the noise. Thinking he was the stripper we ordered, we pulled him into the house. He was an actual cop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 749

You deserved it 21 787

By part time all the time - 23/06/2013 04:37 - United States - Bloomfield Hills

Today, I found out that my creepy neighbor paid a guy to install a camera in my bathroom. It's been there for three months. The guy he paid? My brother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 264

You deserved it 3 396

By Anonymous - 17/04/2013 15:25 - United States

Today, I had a job interview with a man that I got drunk with at a bar on Saturday night. He spent an hour telling me things I did that I don't even remember. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 376

You deserved it 21 544

By pdnne - 12/05/2009 05:48 - United States

Today, I had a really important job interview, and as i was about to leave for it my mom told me to remember to make eye contact. As I was walking in, it was the only thing I could think about, so looking directly at him my foot hits a lip in the floor and my head slams into his desk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 837

You deserved it 7 725

By Anonymous - 03/08/2013 17:59 - United States - Santa Rosa Beach

Today, my hamster had babies. I came home just in time to witness her kick the mutilated bodies of her two babies out of her house, then crawl back in and go to sleep. Now my sister refuses to touch her and calls her a "baby-eating demon." FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 774

You deserved it 4 276

Clean break

By Anonymous - 03/10/2020 20:01

Today, I simultaneously learned that fracturing your penis is a thing that can happen while my wife fractured mine in the middle of some rough reverse cowgirl. My penis is now black and blue with an almost 90 degree bend, and to make it worse the ambulance guys thought it was funny. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 301

You deserved it 249

OK Shaggy

By familydisaster - 05/08/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, I was fired from my job at a local family-ran restaurant. The Reason? The owner's daughter has been stealing money from the register little by little and has blamed me for all the lost money. The boss is still convinced it's me, though, because his daughter would "never tell a lie". FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 499

You deserved it 2 502

By Anonymous - 26/01/2013 17:20 - Ireland - Dublin

Spicy

Today, I went on another date with a guy I've had a crush on for a long time. Afterwards, we went back to my place for the first time and things got heated. While taking my pants off, he recoiled and asked if I thought it was still No Shave November. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 247

You deserved it 47 206

By cantunhear - 20/12/2014 03:16 - United States - Fishkill

Today, my parents had a loud argument over who is worse in bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 154

You deserved it 2 447

Can't see for shit

By Anonymous - 09/11/2020 14:02

Today, I was out walking my dog. After he took a dump, I went to pick it up but my glasses fell right in his poop. I didn’t have tissue, just the plastic bag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 935

You deserved it 209

By kitty - 18/10/2010 02:54 - United States

Today, while talking about my plans for college, I was interrupted so my family could discuss my brother's zit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 419

You deserved it 3 141

By TheComedyAudio - 06/04/2018 01:30

Today, I surprised my girlfriend of 3 years with Stone Sour and Korn tickets, since I knew how badly she wanted to go. She responded by asking if we could go as just friends. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 675

You deserved it 319

By imsad - 06/11/2009 22:26 - United States

Today, my younger brother decided it would be fun to slam a door on my hand while I was holding my brand new $200 cell phone that I got for my birthday. Nothing says Happy Birthday like a broken phone to go along with a broken hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 678

You deserved it 2 589

By thefailure - 02/08/2009 04:21 - United States

Today, it was my wedding day, and while I was standing next to my husband in front of all of our guests, I was rocking on my heels because I was nervous. I rocked too far and fell backward. My husband didn't come to help me up. He just said at the top of his lungs, "FAIL!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 012

You deserved it 16 661

By damgoose - 15/06/2009 04:13 - United States

Today, while I was working in the liquor store, I was trying to impress my hot boss by lifting three cases of Grey goose. Turns out I can't, and I'll be working for the next two months of the rest of my summer paying it all back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 841

You deserved it 62 127

By girlshavepenises - 28/06/2011 06:39 - New Zealand

Spicy

Today, in science, we were studying reproduction. Our teacher was reading out the notes and claimed that 'the female's penis stiffens to enter the male's vagina.' I'm supposed to be learning stuff from this woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 246

You deserved it 4 232

Timing

By Anonymous - 12/09/2015 06:42 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boss stopped me mid-sentence, scowling and telling me to zip up my fly. It wouldn't have been so embarrassing if I hadn't been in the middle of giving a presentation to not only him, but his own boss and a company executive as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 459

You deserved it 3 443

By g_unit - 10/12/2009 05:24 - Canada

Today, at work, I went to fold a pair of pants that was left in a changing room to find out that someone had taken a dump in them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 555

You deserved it 2 607

By whenlifeisalemon - 09/01/2016 23:19 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I waited patiently in the airport as my flight was repeatedly delayed. After 5 long hours I approached one of the attendees to discover that the plane had left 5 minutes ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 414

You deserved it 3 471

By fmynote - 27/08/2009 23:00 - United States

Today, I wrote a note for my crush of 2 years, expressing all my feelings for him signed it as "Forever your lover" then I slipped it into his locker. Later that day, he walked back up to me, tossed the note at me and said "You know I recognize your handwriting, right?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 235

You deserved it 29 682

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:14

Well your dad seems very friendly.

tennisrapper1 14

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:14

He is one creepy fellow...

Comments

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:14

Ouch.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:18

he sounds like fun!

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:19

Awkward...

Ch0sen 13

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:30

Watch out, dad's dopamine levels are over 9000

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Saturday 2 June 2012 3:25

More awkward than 'ouch'.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 5:29

Well, at least it was a creative way to say it.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 8:46

How did op deserve it??

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Saturday 2 June 2012 12:15

Like a baus

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:14

Well your dad seems very friendly.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:24

You could say a little bit too friendly...

biggestfan23 11

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:26

I guess OP's girl can never sleep over then. His dad might do unspeakable things when she's sleeping

BitchPlease18 6

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:28

More like a fucking perv!

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:28

That must have been so awkward. Well, at least he "likes" your girlfriend, OP! ;)

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Saturday 2 June 2012 3:53

Headless bloke without a shirt strikes yet again

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Saturday 2 June 2012 5:44

Put a shirt on, tool.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 5:53

^ what that guy said

biggestfan23 11

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Saturday 2 June 2012 6:19

#2 put on a shirt for your and ours sake please. Your skin and bones dude

Ch0sen 13

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Saturday 2 June 2012 7:13

No, all of you misunderstand him! His picture is actually a subtle cry for help regarding his extreme malnutrition. Instead of flaming him, we should be sending him food stamps instead.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 7:30

Guys, just because you're jealous of him doesn't make it alright to make fun of him. Bullying isn't right.

hellaflushfa5 6

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Saturday 2 June 2012 8:53

#2 would you happen to be a bag filled with douche?

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Saturday 2 June 2012 19:32

Keep it in the family ((;

tennisrapper1 14

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:14

He is one creepy fellow...

SqueakyChipmunk 20

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Saturday 2 June 2012 5:01

Chill. I'm just checking your vagina for fun.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 5:07

Today, my boyfriends father offered to check my vagina for fun. FML

blondebrunette11 4

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Saturday 2 June 2012 5:33

He sounds pretty cool. I guess.

onlychildFTW 33

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Saturday 2 June 2012 6:10

Haha seems OP's dad has a crush!!! How cute! Lol.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 10:46

3- I thumbed up just for the pic.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 11:37

114 I thumbed down, just because of the picture.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:14

That'll be a good story for the future. Hopefully she has a good sense of humor.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 10:03

And that, kids, is the night your mom met your dad. Or grandad. Whichever you prefer to call him.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:15

He's just rounding up business.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 3:58

Hey he just wants make aeverything works and functions right for you OP.

Skittles_Rawr 8

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:15

Oh god...

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:31

That's incredibly disturbing... btw like the batman shirt. Lol

Skittles_Rawr 8

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Saturday 2 June 2012 3:35

Haha thank you it's from hottopic x)

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Saturday 2 June 2012 4:10

Lol thanks for the info, because I'm so gonna run down there and pick one up for myself.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 4:41

Now my mom gets my clothes for me at Hot Topic, I dress like a Nazi First thing I thought of at the word Hot Topic.

Skittles_Rawr 8

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Saturday 2 June 2012 16:06

UI did get it online do it might not be in stores... It's also a girls shirt. Just thought you'd want to know that....

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:16

Fuck your life.

hockeyoceancity 13

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:24

Hmm... Fits the applications name doesn't it?

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:42

there's a button for your comment.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 3:23

There is a button for that comment as well, sir. (the thumbs down button)...maybe I should take my own advice...

SpottedZebra42 14

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Saturday 2 June 2012 3:56

Wow, pokefan! Thanks for showing me that amazing button! Let me test it on you.

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Sunday 3 June 2012 1:38

49: I'm a girl.... smh.

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:18

Oh my goodness…

instnt1nfction 17

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Saturday 2 June 2012 3:32

Oh no, your goodness!

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:18

That sucks I'm sorry ur dads a pervert :(

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Saturday 2 June 2012 11:01

Or maybe just maybe, the guy actually has a decent sense of humour and you shouldn't take it so seriously...

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Saturday 2 June 2012 2:23

I think your Dad might have just gotten a patient OP

Nearly

Today, my maid sat me down to tell me that she doesn’t like it when me and my partner fight. We don’t like each other anymore and I keep trying to break up with him, but he won’t let me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 15

Today, I was diagnosed with anorexia. My mother still keeps on calling me a fat fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77

You deserved it 7

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I'm on day 11 of having COVID. My husband said to me, "I hope you get better soon so we can finally have sex again." Thanks for being concerned about MY health and wellbeing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 13

Today, I realized why my boyfriend drove me to his “favorite” hospital about one agonizing hour away while I was in labor. His friend who's a nurse worked there. Or should I say, his side chick. He made out with her in the room while I was “sleeping” after giving birth to our first child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 842

You deserved it 67