Today, I took my girlfriend to a family dinner so she could meet...

By Anonymous - 1/6/2012 20:46 - Greece - Athens

Today, I took my girlfriend to a family dinner so she could meet my parents. Over the dinner, she asked my dad what's he's been up to since he retired. He replied, "recreational gynecology, my dear" and gave her a weird wink. FML

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Intimacy

Out of it

Incognito browsing

Breaking Badly

By PokeWife - 6/2/2013 13:38 - United States - Omaha

Today, my husband started a conversation with, "In Pokémon" and ended the same conversation with "and that's why we should divorce." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2014 15:23 - United States - Tracy

Today, it took a whole half hour of scratching my head before I realized with horror that the weird tickling sensation I'd been feeling was actually a spider crawling around in my hair. FML

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By sonice - 18/8/2015 03:39 - United States - Duluth

Today, a guy asked me out on Facebook, then called me a conceited bitch when I said no. I don't know, dude; maybe it's just that I already have a boyfriend, that you asked me out on Facebook, and that you posted the same message on 4 other girls' walls as well. FML

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By Mike - 17/12/2009 16:38 - United States

Today, I got in an elevator at a hotel. Just as the door was closing, somebody banged into the door and stuck their hand through. I yelled, "What, are you retarded?!" The doors then opened to reveal a mentally handicapped boy with his parents standing behind him. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2012 14:13 - United States

Today, I found out my best friend was having a birthday party and I wasn't invited, so I asked her why. She replied, "what birthday party?" It was a surprise birthday party. FML

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By epistaxis - 29/1/2009 02:31 - Australia

Today, my nephew asked me how babies are made. I thought he'd had this chat with his mom, but I went in to it again. After a 20 minute 'discussion', he says "So what about the good stuff - get to the blowjobs and the lesbians." He's 11. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2013 22:27 - United Kingdom - Romford

Today, I found out that, although I have the same job title and complete the same work as my male colleagues, I get paid 15% less, purely because I'm a girl. FML

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By fuckthat! - 13/11/2017 09:37 - United States - Madison

Today, my soon-to-be ex-husband had the audacity to ask if the woman he cheated on me with could be in the delivery room while I give birth to our baby. FML

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By Sean - 14/8/2016 04:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, as I was crossing a street, a car hit me and broke two of my ribs. The driver was too busy paying attention to his girlfriend who was giving him a blowjob from the passenger seat. I could see the look of ecstasy on his face as he rammed into me and drove off without noticing. FML

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By insanitycalling - 26/10/2011 06:36 - Canada

Today, at my job as a produce clerk at a grocery store, I had an entire conversation with my coworker about how nice the new cabbage boxes are. This is all it takes to thrill me these days. FML

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By syl - 11/2/2010 06:18 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend decided to name his penis "Jesus". For the last two hours he's been continuously asking if I "want to be touched by Jesus" or will I "let Jesus in to spread his warmth." FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2014 15:05 - United States - Bellflower

Today, my sister had me kicked out of her wedding reception for, in the words of her new husband, "harshing the buzz." FML

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By anon - 27/3/2013 23:17 - Netherlands - Swalmen

Today, I showed my aunt and mother my tattoo. They both burst out laughing. FML

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By Tai - 31/10/2010 13:30 - Australia

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when I came. She got pissed and slapped me really hard for cumming inside her because she didnt want to get pregnant. 1. I was wearing a condom. 2. She's on the pill. 3. We were having anal sex. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2010 22:53 - United States

Today, I decided to take a nap in the university library. I felt like I'd only closed my eyes for a minute, when a guy woke me up to tell me that I'd been farting in my sleep for the last half hour, and that the librarian was becoming concerned. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2019 06:01

Stereotypes

Today, my girlfriend's Facebook relationship status was changed to single. When I tried to ask her about, she told me she's a lesbian now. Her mullet should've been a clue. FML

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By Fire0fisis - 23/5/2012 09:38 - Hong Kong

Today, my boyfriend and I went out on his boat. We got in the water and started to have sex when a fishing boat came by and chummed. There's nothing more romantic than bloody fish guts. FML

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By chairlee - 7/11/2009 08:12 - United States

Today, I stepped on a piece of glass and sliced my right foot open. Hobbling to get my first aid kit, I tripped and stepped on a pair of heels, and sliced my left foot open. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2015 14:14 - United States - Berwyn

Today, I kept getting out of bed because I was sure my daughter had pooped in her diaper. Every time, I found nothing. I finally figured out the foul smell was my husband's breath, when he leaned into kiss me goodnight. FML

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By fml9124 - 28/7/2020 20:00

Get me away from here, I'm dying

Today, my wife filed for divorce. Last month, she was diagnosed with stage 4, terminal, inoperable cancer. We got a second (confirmed) opinion. She has maybe six months left. She told me she doesn't want to spend her last remaining days on this earth with me. Our 33rd anniversary was in May. FML

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By obviously a scumbag criminal - 24/11/2017 19:00

Today, I took a drug test for probation and failed a category called "tricyclic antidepressants". The tablet of Benadryl I took last night for sleep assistance caused me to violate my probation. FML

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By Maggie - 18/3/2013 19:38 - United States

Today, my husband woke up, rolled over, and said, "Good morning, beautiful." He hasn't called me that in months, but as I was about to reply, I realized he was talking to his pet turtle, not me. FML

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By Poppleton99 - 11/2/2016 06:06 - United States - Cedar City

Today, I was hanging out with a friend out of state. He had some friends with him and we were all having a great time, until they found out I live in Utah. They instantly assumed I was Mormon and started to act weird around me. This is a frequent occurrence. FML

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By Rosie - 16/10/2018 12:00

Today, I discovered that you can vomit hard enough to break a rib and tear a ligament. Why was I barfing so violently? The stray cat I'm feeding has given me worms. I found one during "down there cleanup" time. I got laughed at by EMS, nurses, doctors, and my family. FML

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By Slayeddd - 28/10/2009 13:06 - United States

Today, I realized that I have to block my number to get my own mother to take my phone calls. FML

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By CantPublish - 15/1/2012 03:07 - United States

Today, during swimming in PE, I kept noticing a stinging feeling on my scrotum. Every time I jumped into the water I would feel a sharp stab. After the full hour of hell, I went to the bathroom and looked in my new trunks. The designer had left their sewing needle in the crotch netting. FML

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By paging dr. kevorkian - 16/5/2013 21:23 - Netherlands

Today, I took my girlfriend to a family dinner. Things went great, until my grandma arrived. She thought it would be okay to continue our friendly prank war by congratulating me on my "wife's" pregnancy. My girlfriend actually believed it, and now thinks she's the "other woman". FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2016 18:50 - Canada - London

Today, even though I'm overweight, I was feeling alright about the way I looked in the historical costume I'm required to wear by my job. A little kid came in and asked me if I was having a baby. Guess I don't look as good as I thought. FML

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By Oh - 22/3/2016 22:36 - United States - Winterville

Today, I wrote my girlfriend a song. She wrote me a 13-page letter on why we should break up. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/5/2009 17:44 - United States

Today, I woke up fully clothed, trying to remember the night's events. I walk to the den to awkwardly ask my dad for a ride to my car and he points to the computer. A pic of me passed out on the bathroom floor is now our new wallpaper. My skirt was around my knees. He sent it to everyone we know. FML

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By aprilfools22 - 17/8/2011 08:13 - United States

Today, I got my tongue pierced, then went to a pet store. A clerk came up to ask if I needed help. I showed him I already had some fish, and said, "No thanks." He must have thought I was "special," as he bent down and in a baby voice, said "You got fishy? FISHY FISHY FISHY!" while poking the bag. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2009 15:22 - United States

Today, it was my boyfriend's 21st birthday. Along with a pair of $80 shoes, I bought him a birthday cake, his favorite ice cream and a $15 balloon. I showed up to the party and he was very intoxicated. So intoxicated that he pops the balloon, drops the cake, and throws up all over his new shoes. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2019 00:01

Desks are so judgmental these days!

Today, I was promptly told to lose weight today by my computer desk when it broke under the weight of my leg. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2018 04:00

Today, we were at church when I pulled my toddler’s hand out of his pants and he screamed "I WAS MAKING MY PENIS BIG!" I need a new church. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2013 08:02 - United States - El Cajon

Today, I woke up to find that my parents had replaced my regular alarm clock with a walking one that requires you to get up and find it. The alarm was set to 5:00AM, which would have been fine if it wasn't the weekend. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2009 16:25 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I went on our 2nd date. We decided to get to know each other with a game. I asked him what makes him nervous. He said "talking to really attractive girls." I then asked him if I was making him nervous. He said no. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2014 18:16 - United States - Glendale

Today, I told my husband that I'm jealous of all the other girls whose husbands always take pictures of them together and post them online. He responded by posting a picture of himself, with me on the toilet in the background, captioned "The bitch on the pot." FML

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By bdayloser - 7/11/2009 05:24 - Canada

Today, I celebrated my 18th birthday. Alone. My only birthday wish came from the police officer who gave me a ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2013 00:21 - United States - Matteson

Today, my girlfriend decided to wake me up from a nap by kissing me. I started kissing her back passionately, when she slapped me. Apparently, kissing her back automatically without "confirming her identity" counts as cheating. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/1/2014 20:34 - United States - Tobyhanna

Today, I had to explain to my father that when my friends sleep over, it's not acceptable to sneak into my room in the middle of the night and dig through their stuff. FML

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Top comments

By Drew167 | 8

#4510078 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:14

Well your dad seems very friendly.

By tennisrapper1 | 14

#4510080 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:14

He is one creepy fellow...

COMMENTS

By 236schertzi | 1

#4510075 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:14

Ouch.

thatgurltori | 6

#4510128 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:18

he sounds like fun!

ucoolgirl31 | 20

#4510136 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:19

Awkward...

Ch0sen | 13

#4510206 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:30

Watch out, dad's dopamine levels are over 9000

MissAmz | 7

#4510412 - Saturday 2 June 2012 3:25

More awkward than 'ouch'.

Hearon20 | 0

#4510815 - Saturday 2 June 2012 5:29

Well, at least it was a creative way to say it.

randii_17 | 11

#4511610 - Saturday 2 June 2012 8:46

How did op deserve it??

kyarush | 10

#4511865 - Saturday 2 June 2012 12:15

Like a baus

By Drew167 | 8

#4510078 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:14

Well your dad seems very friendly.

10K3NNY10 | 0

#4510152 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:24

You could say a little bit too friendly...

biggestfan23 | 11

#4510172 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:26

I guess OP's girl can never sleep over then. His dad might do unspeakable things when she's sleeping

BitchPlease18 | 6

#4510186 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:28

More like a fucking perv!

Brenda37 | 13

#4510191 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:28

That must have been so awkward. Well, at least he "likes" your girlfriend, OP! ;)

Trisha_aus | 15

#4510504 - Saturday 2 June 2012 3:53

Headless bloke without a shirt strikes yet again

Flyersfan54 | 4

#4510864 - Saturday 2 June 2012 5:44

Put a shirt on, tool.

shift_love | 13

#4510906 - Saturday 2 June 2012 5:53

^ what that guy said

biggestfan23 | 11

#4511113 - Saturday 2 June 2012 6:19

#2 put on a shirt for your and ours sake please. Your skin and bones dude

Ch0sen | 13

#4511399 - Saturday 2 June 2012 7:13

No, all of you misunderstand him! His picture is actually a subtle cry for help regarding his extreme malnutrition. Instead of flaming him, we should be sending him food stamps instead.

Lexiloulynn | 2

#4511458 - Saturday 2 June 2012 7:30

Guys, just because you're jealous of him doesn't make it alright to make fun of him. Bullying isn't right.

hellaflushfa5 | 6

#4511636 - Saturday 2 June 2012 8:53

#2 would you happen to be a bag filled with douche?

wannabemom | 5

#4512904 - Saturday 2 June 2012 19:32

Keep it in the family ((;

By tennisrapper1 | 14

#4510080 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:14

He is one creepy fellow...

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4510729 - Saturday 2 June 2012 5:01

Chill. I'm just checking your vagina for fun.

smilessss | 4

#4510760 - Saturday 2 June 2012 5:07

Today, my boyfriends father offered to check my vagina for fun. FML

blondebrunette11 | 4

#4510837 - Saturday 2 June 2012 5:33

He sounds pretty cool. I guess.

onlychildFTW | 33

#4511056 - Saturday 2 June 2012 6:10

Haha seems OP's dad has a crush!!! How cute! Lol.

chokefrantic | 9

#4511769 - Saturday 2 June 2012 10:46

3- I thumbed up just for the pic.

GenaALazer | 22

#4511788 - Saturday 2 June 2012 11:37

114 I thumbed down, just because of the picture.

By anon80214 | 15

#4510082 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:14

That'll be a good story for the future. Hopefully she has a good sense of humor.

Il_Maestro | 6

#4511720 - Saturday 2 June 2012 10:03

And that, kids, is the night your mom met your dad. Or grandad. Whichever you prefer to call him.

By 21jason | 9

#4510083 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:15

He's just rounding up business.

ICastillo | 24

#4510528 - Saturday 2 June 2012 3:58

Hey he just wants make aeverything works and functions right for you OP.

By Skittles_Rawr | 8

#4510085 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:15

Oh god...

ChrisG93 | 8

#4510214 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:31

That's incredibly disturbing... btw like the batman shirt. Lol

Skittles_Rawr | 8

#4510443 - Saturday 2 June 2012 3:35

Haha thank you it's from hottopic x)

ChrisG93 | 8

#4510565 - Saturday 2 June 2012 4:10

Lol thanks for the info, because I'm so gonna run down there and pick one up for myself.

DogsPaw | 16

#4510672 - Saturday 2 June 2012 4:41

Now my mom gets my clothes for me at Hot Topic, I dress like a Nazi

First thing I thought of at the word Hot Topic.

Skittles_Rawr | 8

#4512223 - Saturday 2 June 2012 16:06

UI did get it online do it might not be in stores... It's also a girls shirt. Just thought you'd want to know that....

By gabfoundnemo | 5

#4510089 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:16

Fuck your life.

hockeyoceancity | 13

#4510158 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:24

Hmm... Fits the applications name doesn't it?

starflyer59 | 17

#4510261 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:42

there's a button for your comment.

pokefan813 | 16

#4510404 - Saturday 2 June 2012 3:23

There is a button for that comment as well, sir. (the thumbs down button)...maybe I should take my own advice...

SpottedZebra42 | 14

#4510517 - Saturday 2 June 2012 3:56

Wow, pokefan! Thanks for showing me that amazing button! Let me test it on you.

starflyer59 | 17

#4513947 - Sunday 3 June 2012 1:38

49: I'm a girl.... smh.

By horseridermc | 2

#4510119 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:18

Oh my goodness…

instnt1nfction | 17

#4510433 - Saturday 2 June 2012 3:32

Oh no, your goodness!

By dna629 | 3

#4510130 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:18

That sucks I'm sorry ur dads a pervert :(

asdaasdaasda | 1

#4511774 - Saturday 2 June 2012 11:01

Or maybe just maybe, the guy actually has a decent sense of humour and you shouldn't take it so seriously...

By DarkHelmet | 10

#4510150 - Saturday 2 June 2012 2:23

I think your Dad might have just gotten a patient OP