Today, I took my girlfriend home to meet my parents. They thought... - FML

By >_< - 30/8/2013 22:56 - United States - Richmond

Today, I took my girlfriend home to meet my parents. They thought it'd be hilarious to put on ridiculous accents and act like country hicks, spewing obscenities and strongly hinting that we're into incest. She soon left in disgust. I haven't heard back from her since. FML

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Basic Instinct

Social distancing gone wrong

A beautiful truck decoration

By Arcanin3Boss - 23/6/2015 06:37 - United States - Portland

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to eat dinner with his parents. Everyone wanted me to start the family prayer, and although I hadn't done one in years, I accepted. It went well until I remembered you say "Amen" at the end, not "Uh... Bye." FML

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By Anonymous - 28/11/2015 05:25 - United States

Today, I went on my first date in six years. The guy was unbelievably creepy, and I couldn't wait for it to be over. Right after we finished eating, he told me he loved me, then tried to lean in for a kiss. He looked like he was going to cry when I turned him down. FML

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By Fatty1970 - 23/5/2011 01:33 - United States

Today, I told my kids that our family dog was getting too fat and we should give him a little less food. My youngest daughter whispered to her sister, "Mommy's fat and we still give her food." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/10/2014 15:42 - Australia - Burnside

Today, my wife pressed a button in the elevator and quickly ran out, leaving me in there with my crying baby. When the elevator arrived at the floor, the doors opened on a wedding reception. The doors couldn't have taken any longer to close again FML

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By a tad whipped - 28/4/2013 20:44 - Australia

Today, I summoned the courage to call my abusive mother-in-law about her non-payment of the money I stupidly lent her last year. She replied, "Why don't you go deepthroat a cactus, then we'll talk about it, cunt." and then hung up on me. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2010 00:29 - Canada

Today, I entered my bedroom, ready to play some COD on my xbox 360. Instead, I find a note where my xbox used to be. It read "You think you can cheat on me and get away with it? Fuck you. I smashed the hell out of your stupid xbox." It was signed by my girlfriend. I never cheated on her. FML

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By Missy - 19/10/2011 22:29 - Australia

Today, my parents had a fight as to which one of them is the most cultured. As a result, they've begun writing my chore lists in a variety of languages. If I don't do them, I'm grounded. I only speak English. FML

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By StickyWicket - 14/5/2019 18:00

Today, at work where I'm a physiotherapist, I was helping a patient with lower back pain. While I was massaging him, he shat himself. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2018 13:30

Today, my manager told my shift that if we didn't have the quota filled for cinnamon rolls by tonight, we were all out of a job. One of the machines we use to wrap cinnamon rolls just started acting up. We also aren't allowed to take over time. FML

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By wrecked - 11/1/2010 13:43 - United States

Today, I slid on ice and hit another car while driving to work. My car was totalled, and my leg hurt, while the other car had very little damage. Not two minutes later, the salt truck drove by, spraying the road. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2009 20:35 - United States

Today, me and my girlfriend were riding on my motorcycle. While at a stop light, she started to make these weird noises. Turns out she was having an orgasm. I still can't give her one. FML

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By Nice guy finishing last. - 7/4/2017 12:00

Today, I saw a girl I have a crush on sitting on a fountain, away from everyone. I thought this would be the perfect time to make a move on her. I tapped her on the shoulder, which scared her. She nervously flenched and began to piss herself. FML

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By Upbrakie - 12/1/2010 13:09 - United States

Today, I was in the middle of having sex with my girlfriend. I told her that I loved her. She asked me how much wind-shield wiper blades cost. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2020 14:00

Dumb question

Today, “Who decided that?” was apparently not the correct thing to reply to a cop. FML

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By grann - 15/3/2010 01:39 - United States

Today, while walking to my car through the snow, I noticed the sunroof was open and 2 feet of snow had poured in. Angry, I opened the door to start cleaning. That's when I noticed all the wildlife that had taken refuge inside from the cold. Not only were my seat cushions wet, they were torn open. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2015 06:39 - Canada - Victoria

Today, my wedding celebration came to an awkward pause when my dad slapped my mom across the face and called her a whore after she admitted to having an affair. FML

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By d0pey - 20/2/2009 22:02 - United States

Today, I realized that there are more framed pictures of my mom's dog than pictures of me around the house. FML

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By [email protected] - 25/2/2009 07:42 - Canada

Today, I forgot my work clothes at home so my boss gave me a jacket with a name patch that said "Mike". Still wearing my work clothes I ran into my ex-girlfriend on my way home. We were together for five years until she dumped me for a guy name Mike. FML

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By Nyah Murphy - 5/12/2017 19:00

Today, I fell asleep for 20 minutes during my first final in law school. I took a $70k loan to be here. FML

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By RensM - 20/8/2011 09:54 - New Zealand

Today, I went to the movies. I was seated next to a woman who talked through the film and said: "Awwww" every time she saw a primate. I went to see 'Rise of Planet of the Apes'. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/4/2011 23:42 - United States

Today, I was pretending to be an angry bear while babysitting a 3 year old boy, and an 19 month old girl. I was chasing them around the house having a great time. Just when I bent over to pick up his sister for a diaper change the 3 year old decided it was his turn. He bit me square on the ass. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2020 14:00

The Candidate

Today, my sister-in-law announced she would like me to be her surrogate, so that her body doesn't look like a stretched wobbly mess after childbirth. Apparently, I'm a perfect candidate, as "we won't see a difference." FML

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By Username - 6/7/2010 22:21 - France

Today, at the crack of dawn, I started a 700 mile road trip with my three children. So far, I've stopped four times, settled several arguments, cleaned up spilled yogurt and melted silly putty. 130 miles down, 570 to go. FML

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By firstdategonebad - 12/10/2012 18:43 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went on a coffee date with the man I've been in love with for a while. Before I knew what was going on, he'd started chatting up a pretty girl sitting nearby. I had to drink my coffee alone while he got her number. FML

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By INeedMoney - 28/1/2012 05:58 - United States

Today, I just finished my first week of unemployment. I don't have any money. I also just finished the last toilet paper roll. FML

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By patch91 - 5/4/2011 02:03

Today, I got in a car accident on the way to work. I received an abusive phone call from my boss saying he shouldn't have to cover my lazy ass. I was driving to cover his shift because he was too drunk to show up to work. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2013 17:32 - Canada - Brantford

Today, I took my girlfriend home to meet my parents. My dad was having a bad day and was rude from the outset, but things went to total hell when he started screaming that he'd "kill" our microwave if it didn't "shut the hell up". My girlfriend now thinks we're a family of abusive psychos. FML

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By danesy - 10/3/2009 02:04 - United States

Today, I was taking the subway to school. It was around 6:30am and I was listening to music and catching up on homework. When I took my headphones off to readjust them, I heard some grunting. I looked over at the man across from me to see he was masturbating. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/3/2012 07:03 - United States - Puyallup

Today, on my way to my therapist, my father told me to lie to her and tell her that I'm happy so he doesn't have to drive me in anymore. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2014 18:48 - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, I took a shit of biblical proportions. I flushed and opened a window, but my pregnant wife went in straight after me. Her morning sickness kicked in and she quickly ran out, vomit dripping from her mouth. She's pissed and thinks I planned the whole thing as a prank. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2010 00:39 - United Kingdom

Today, while getting a lump in my private region examined by a very cute nurse, I got a massive erection. The smartest thing I could think to say at the time to her was: "I haven't been touched there in a very long time." FML

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By SorrySnowWhite - 21/11/2016 20:13 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I yelled at a new employee for violating the company's makeup policy which is minimum coverage. She had red lipstick, very dark drawn eyebrows, and foundation that made her look like a ghost. She took out a makeup wipe and used it then showed me it, only to reveal she doesn't wear any. FML

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By oh. - 15/12/2019 14:00 - United States

Proof of love

Today, I flew cross-country to see my girlfriend of three years. Once I got there, she broke up with me. I was supposed to be staying for a month and now I have nowhere to go. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2011 16:15 - United States

Today, I bought a UV light so I could detect cat pee, since I was sure my cat was relieving herself on the carpet. I decided to try it out in the living room first. Nearly half the room lit up like a Christmas tree. FML

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By Jason McGinnis - 22/9/2020 16:51 - Canada - Brampton

That'll be Kevin in accounting

Today, just like every other day, my company is so dysfunctional that local food chains require us to pay cash up front for our catering, because we routinely take 6 months or more to pay for a chicken sandwich. FML

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By Tal - 26/4/2009 15:14 - United States

Today, I got kicked in the face at a soccer game. Everybody clapped. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2016 10:05

Today, my girlfriend contacted me. She said she'd thought over her feelings over our temporary break in the relationship, and she wanted to try again. Being my stupid, self-loathing self, I asked her so many questions on if she was sure or not that she went back into doubt and revoked the offer. FML

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By sprocket - 28/2/2009 18:55 - Hong Kong

Today, I jokingly asked my boyfriend of one year - "why is someone as smart, funny and as handsome as you with someone like me?" he replied - "opposites attract." FML

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By TooSunnyForSkin - 5/6/2013 04:22 - United States - Huntington

Today, I found out my work gave me a vacation for my performance. It's a trip to somewhere in the Caribbean, with the nickname "The Sunniest Place on Earth." I have skin cancer. FML

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By Uggghhh - 9/5/2017 02:00

Today, I'm sitting at the vet's office while they run expensive tests on my cat. This is to make sure he doesn't have a bowel obstruction from eating the condom that my partner and I used last night. FML

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Top comments

By picante72 | 24

#5651568 - Saturday 31 August 2013 5:13

Git-r-back

By L2U7A_E5I9A2E8H | 20

#5651570 - Saturday 31 August 2013 5:14

If she doesn't get your family's "interesting" humor then maybe it was a good thing to find out now.

COMMENTS

By picante72 | 24

#5651568 - Saturday 31 August 2013 5:13

Git-r-back

Reply

ohro | 10

#5651676 - Saturday 31 August 2013 6:15

Or stick around and take your cousin on a date

Reply

CanadiAnM8 | 24

#5651815 - Saturday 31 August 2013 9:36

Or OP could pull the parents into guilt by doing the WHY, I LOVED HER!

Reply

mFUNdo21 | 17

#5651840 - Saturday 31 August 2013 10:43

incest incest is the best! put your family to the test! (: well why in out when you can keep it in the family op?

Reply

izzie321 | 27

#5652093 - Saturday 31 August 2013 17:36

If I were her, I would've straight dropped on the ground laughing. And when I was done, I'd stand up and high five the parents.

By L2U7A_E5I9A2E8H | 20

#5651570 - Saturday 31 August 2013 5:14

If she doesn't get your family's "interesting" humor then maybe it was a good thing to find out now.

Reply

isallwaysme | 27

#5651918 - Saturday 31 August 2013 13:08

the first time i had my girlfriend over, my dad came racing downstairs in a speedo and started dancing..

Reply

Damned_Architect | 25

#5653106 - Sunday 1 September 2013 10:48

Your Dad is amazing!

Reply

Sfaizi24 | 17

#5653461 - Sunday 1 September 2013 16:19

I doubt that happened #51

Reply

gidgiddonihah | 11

#5654215 - Monday 2 September 2013 2:09

71 - Sounds like something I would do to my kids someday...

By flashback.miss | 28

#5651572 - Saturday 31 August 2013 5:14

your family's hilarious. XD If she reacts like that maybe you should talk to her, if she refuses to hear your explanations, maybe reconsider.

Reply

muffinkitty | 15

#5651741 - Saturday 31 August 2013 7:34

Your name is a lie.

By ptoka | 20

#5651575 - Saturday 31 August 2013 5:15

The family that feeds together breeds together. There it's out, no more incest jokes now.

Reply

Trisha_aus | 15

#5651728 - Saturday 31 August 2013 7:15

A game the whole family can play!

By Nyx_fml | 23

#5651578 - Saturday 31 August 2013 5:15

This will be such a nice story to tell your children.

Reply

mFUNdo21 | 17

#5651841 - Saturday 31 August 2013 10:44

how I met your mother: she's my mom too

By Squirrel1256 | 15

#5651584 - Saturday 31 August 2013 5:16

Family members can be the biggest jerks sometimes, sorry OP.

By singer0421 | 32

#5651585 - Saturday 31 August 2013 5:16

They obviously don't want you dating anytime soon

By Shy_Anne | 10

#5651592 - Saturday 31 August 2013 5:17

Tell her that your family meant no harm, if she really likes you she'll be back

By TheDrifter | 23

#5651595 - Saturday 31 August 2013 5:18

Did they break out the banjos? No hick act is complete without a banjo solo.

Reply

IvyOswin | 17

#5651817 - Saturday 31 August 2013 9:39

Or rattling spoons and blowing into bottles...

Reply

whatsupbitches | 4

#5651991 - Saturday 31 August 2013 15:41

Don't forget the washboard!

Reply

TheDrifter | 23

#5652399 - Saturday 31 August 2013 22:48

A whole hillbilly orchestra.

By mario2012 | 18

#5651605 - Saturday 31 August 2013 5:20

Your parents are assholes.