Love: Today, I took my girlfriend home to meet my parents. They thought... - FML

By >_< - United States - Richmond

Today, I took my girlfriend home to meet my parents. They thought it'd be hilarious to put on ridiculous accents and act like country hicks, spewing obscenities and strongly hinting that we're into incest. She soon left in disgust. I haven't heard back from her since. FML

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Vulture

Compassion

Running commentary

By peter - Indonesia

Today, it's my birthday. I'm a pastry chef by profession. Not only did my family buy a cake from my bakery, I had to make it myself and inscribe it with 'Happy Birthday Dad'. The worst part is, they asked money from me to pay for it. FML

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By Anonymous - Turkey - Istanbul

Today, I was at my best friend's wedding. As she threw the bouquet, I was punched in the face by another bridesmaid. Later, as I was explaining what had happened, I punched myself in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I got a birthday card from my parents. It was my sister's from earlier in the year. They scratched out her name and wrote mine underneath. FML

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By chels - United States - Youngstown

Today, my boyfriend got done with Marine combat training. The first thing he asked for weren't pictures of me but pictures of his car. Missed you too babe. FML

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By nerdsgetmehot - United States

Today, six months have passed since my parents announced that they're getting a divorce. We're all still awkwardly living together because we haven't been able to sell our house yet. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was screamed at and told that I was denying someone's "second amendment" by not letting him through with a gun. I work at the border; he was trying to enter Canada. This is not the first time, and it probably won't be the last. FML

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By vickyxanne - United States

Today, I was cleaning out my fiancé's room while he was away so we could move into our new home. Not only did I find a few gay nudie mags, but also some interesting love letters from a nice man named Pablo. Apparently I need to do a lot more than cleaning his room to excite him. Like grow a penis. FML

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By motherlessbride - United States

Today, my husband finally admitted to his mother he'd got married. No wonder she wasn't involved with the wedding. FML

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By No Nip

Today, I was making breakfast with my parrot on my shoulder. He was excited about the food, and in his rush to climb down to the counter, bit through my nipple. I had to get stitches. FML

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By JellitonOctopus - United States

Today, I received a package from an unknown address. Inside were doll heads and cigarette butts. FML

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By Matei - Romania - Bucharest

Red tape

Today, after 4 years of nicely asking, I wrote an official memo to our logistics department, asking for new chairs for my subordinates. The logistics people came and concluded that there are more broken chairs than good ones, but suggested that perhaps we should all go on a diet. FML

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By - France

Today, on her Facebook profile, my ex erased all the pictures where we were together, add her new boyfriend to her friends and changed her status to "I'm so happy". FML

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By youre dumped shitforbrain - Sweden - H?lleforsn

Today, my boyfriend again accused me of cheating on him. This time, it was because I delayed replying to his text message so I could feed my pet. Apparently I'm fucking my pet toad now. Jesus. FML

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By pdub523 - United States - Longview

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad for the first time. His shirt said "D.A.D.D, Dads Against Daughters Dating, shoot the first one and word will spread". FML

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By Sonofaquiche

Today, I had to help my grandma because her TV suddenly stopped working. She has cable as well as satellite, so she figured she didn't need the satellite receiver anymore. Apparently the best way to do get rid of it was to cut all the cables connected to the TV. FML

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By unfortunatelyunlucky - United States

Today, while parked at school, someone broke into my car by smashing the window. I called the police and they informed me I could drive it to the local station as it was an easy 2 minute drive. As I was driving there, I got pulled over for driving with a smashed window. FML

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By Virginy - France

Send help

Today, I got stuck in my building's elevator. I pushed the emergency button, which made a ringing noise. After about half an hour, I heard someone yell, "Stop pushing that button, my kids are sleeping." FML

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By Alyssa - United States

Today, my parents were out, so I lit up my first ever joint. I got so stoned out of my mind that when my dad came back home and asked what the smell was, I said a stray cat had left an upper-decker in the toilet. He found the joint in my room, and now I'm grounded for the rest of the school year. FML

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By Moose - Poland

Today, my boss signed and sent me back my timesheet. He named the PDF file "Timeshit". Now I don't know whether he's terrible at spelling, or just expressed his view of my job. FML

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By assholedad - United States

Today, I asked my dad to please shave his awful beard, because I'm a laughing-stock at school for being picked up each day by a guy whose face looks like Bigfoot's ass. He agreed, and 10 minutes later was sporting a pedo-stache. It's going to be a long year. FML

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By Anonymous - China - Chengdu

Wrong, just wrong

Today, while licking maple syrup off my wife during foreplay, I probably shouldn't have referred to her breasts as pancakes. FML

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By Noname - Slovenia

Today, they finally took my braces off. 7 hours later I fell off my bike and chipped my tooth. FML

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By Sophie - United States

Today, after recently having had surgery, I Iearnt that some extra tissue was needed to cover up the hole in the roof of my mouth. Where did they get this tissue? From a dead person. I now have the flesh of a dead person in my mouth, which by the way is now infected. FML

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By clecker - Australia

Today, I finally paid off the massive debt on my credit card. I came home only to find that almost everything I owned had been repossessed an hour before I paid the debt. FML

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By the customer is always a cunt - United States - Sarasota

Today, a guy came into the small coffee shop I work at, and got angry because I wouldn't accept his Starbucks gift card as valid payment. When I told him we clearly aren't a Starbucks, he said "It's all the same shit" and ended up throwing a punch at me. FML

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By MissArizona - this FML is from back in 2011 but it's good stuff - United States

Make it so

Today, my dad shaved his head. This wouldn't be so bad if he didn't expect me to address him as "Captain Picard" 24/7 now. He won't answer me otherwise. FML

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By Ear Invasion - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I made a new friend: the cricket the doctor pulled out of my ear canal. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Longmont

Bad thought

Today, I found out that my parents have thought I'm lesbian for at least a year. I now understand why my dad has been trying to get me to "hang out" with his co-worker's daughter. FML

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By Egtat216 - United Kingdom - Aberdeen

Today, whilst tuning my guitar, one of the steel strings snapped and hit me in the face. Now I'm on my way to my first date with the girl of my dreams, and I'm wearing an eye patch and have a thick red line across my face. FML

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By Brodam - 17/9/2020 14:01 - United States - Scotch Plains

Priorities

Today, we began our honeymoon with a Yellowstone Park hike. Wildfires took hold at both ends of the park. We lost all cell service. Her parents and my mom worried, texted and called. My dad just logged into my Fantasy Football team to pick up a running back in this week's waiver wire. FML

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By AnnieTheKitteh

Today, I came up with a new system: If I want to buy something, I must do a chore first. I thought my laziness would keep me from impulsive shopping. Instead, my entire apartment is sparkling clean. FML

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By jason - United States

Today, I came home to find a car parked in my assigned space. Pissed off, I left a note on the car's windshield saying, "Hey Assface, thanks for parking in my spot. I spat on your door handle." It turns out it was my girlfriend's parent's car. They took us out to dinner. FML

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By FriendsSuck - United States

Today, I was leaving a cafe with some of my friends. I had to sit in the back by myself. I opened the door when I saw an old woman needing help getting to her car because it was raining. I shut the door and went to help. My friends thought I had gotten in. I was left in the rain with no phone. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I cleaned up my dog's crap after my wife asked me. 5 minutes later she yelled at me for being lazy as she slammed the door leaving for work. My dog shit in the exact same spot apparently to make me look stupid. FML

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By Darin Greenwood

Today, the wife and I were in the middle of having sex. She was bent over and I was taking her to pound town. I look over to see my 3 year-old son standing in the doorway, humping air. FML

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By Anonymous

Nice pic

Today, for the first time in my life, I sent a member pic to a girl I had been talking to for a few days on Snapchat. (she had asked me for it). She saw the pic, and blocked me. FML

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By nix1993 - United Kingdom - Chorley

My Humps

Today, I visited my old job to pick up some paperwork. Since leaving over a year ago, I’ve lost over 60lbs, but I’m currently 6 months pregnant. Not a single person believed that I'm pregnant. FML

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By gircos - United States - Westerly

Today, I learned my girlfriend was cheating on me. After giving her a second chance and meeting her parents for the first time, her father said at the dinner table, "I like the other guy better." FML

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By BikerGuy - Canada - Alhambra

Today, the girl who likes me incredibly much asked me if she could come for a ride with me on my motorcycle. Normally this isn't a problem as I take lots of people out for rides for fun, but this time I had no choice but to tell her she couldn't because she's just too heavy for it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Milton

Today, a guy tried to carjack me. Good news: I drive a stick shift, and the idiot apparently couldn't, so I still have my car. Bad news: he was so angry, he beat the shit out of me. I had to get stitches, and now I look like I went on a date with Chris Brown. FML

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Top comments

By picante72 | 24

#5651568 - Saturday 31 August 2013 5:13

Git-r-back

By L2U7A_E5I9A2E8H | 20

#5651570 - Saturday 31 August 2013 5:14

If she doesn't get your family's "interesting" humor then maybe it was a good thing to find out now.

COMMENTS

By picante72 | 24

#5651568 - Saturday 31 August 2013 5:13

Git-r-back

Reply

ohro | 10

#5651676 - Saturday 31 August 2013 6:15

Or stick around and take your cousin on a date

Reply

CanadiAnM8 | 24

#5651815 - Saturday 31 August 2013 9:36

Or OP could pull the parents into guilt by doing the WHY, I LOVED HER!

Reply

mFUNdo21 | 17

#5651840 - Saturday 31 August 2013 10:43

incest incest is the best! put your family to the test! (: well why in out when you can keep it in the family op?

Reply

izzie321 | 27

#5652093 - Saturday 31 August 2013 17:36

If I were her, I would've straight dropped on the ground laughing. And when I was done, I'd stand up and high five the parents.

By L2U7A_E5I9A2E8H | 20

#5651570 - Saturday 31 August 2013 5:14

If she doesn't get your family's "interesting" humor then maybe it was a good thing to find out now.

Reply

isallwaysme | 27

#5651918 - Saturday 31 August 2013 13:08

the first time i had my girlfriend over, my dad came racing downstairs in a speedo and started dancing..

Reply

Damned_Architect | 25

#5653106 - Sunday 1 September 2013 10:48

Your Dad is amazing!

Reply

Sfaizi24 | 17

#5653461 - Sunday 1 September 2013 16:19

I doubt that happened #51

Reply

gidgiddonihah | 11

#5654215 - Monday 2 September 2013 2:09

71 - Sounds like something I would do to my kids someday...

By flashback.miss | 28

#5651572 - Saturday 31 August 2013 5:14

your family's hilarious. XD If she reacts like that maybe you should talk to her, if she refuses to hear your explanations, maybe reconsider.

Reply

muffinkitty | 15

#5651741 - Saturday 31 August 2013 7:34

Your name is a lie.

By ptoka | 20

#5651575 - Saturday 31 August 2013 5:15

The family that feeds together breeds together. There it's out, no more incest jokes now.

Reply

Trisha_aus | 15

#5651728 - Saturday 31 August 2013 7:15

A game the whole family can play!

By Nyx_fml | 23

#5651578 - Saturday 31 August 2013 5:15

This will be such a nice story to tell your children.

Reply

mFUNdo21 | 17

#5651841 - Saturday 31 August 2013 10:44

how I met your mother: she's my mom too

By Squirrel1256 | 15

#5651584 - Saturday 31 August 2013 5:16

Family members can be the biggest jerks sometimes, sorry OP.

By singer0421 | 32

#5651585 - Saturday 31 August 2013 5:16

They obviously don't want you dating anytime soon

By Shy_Anne | 10

#5651592 - Saturday 31 August 2013 5:17

Tell her that your family meant no harm, if she really likes you she'll be back

By TheDrifter | 23

#5651595 - Saturday 31 August 2013 5:18

Did they break out the banjos? No hick act is complete without a banjo solo.

Reply

IvyOswin | 17

#5651817 - Saturday 31 August 2013 9:39

Or rattling spoons and blowing into bottles...

Reply

whatsupbitches | 4

#5651991 - Saturday 31 August 2013 15:41

Don't forget the washboard!

Reply

TheDrifter | 23

#5652399 - Saturday 31 August 2013 22:48

A whole hillbilly orchestra.

By mario2012 | 18

#5651605 - Saturday 31 August 2013 5:20

Your parents are assholes.