Work: Today, I took my girlfriend home to introduce her to my parents.... - FML

By justin bieber's nutsack - United Kingdom

Today, I took my girlfriend home to introduce her to my parents. As we arrived, my grandpa was leaving the bathroom. He looked over at my girlfriend with a worried expression and said "Never take a shit in this place! Feels like I wiped my arsehole with sandpaper." FML

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This Charming Man

BO Central

I CAN HEAR YOU

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I overheard my husband telling my step-dad that I have the same ability to sniff out chocolate in a house as a certain animal has to find truffles in the woods. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I pretended to go for a run to impress someone on AIM. FML

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By Not That Old - United States

Today, I went to El Pollo Loco for the $10.00 special. I ordered from the pimple-faced kid at the register, pulled out two fives, and he said, "That'll be 9.70, I gave you the senior discount." I'm 10 years away from that. Thank you? FML

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By Anonymous - 7/4/2021 23:00

Overreaction Man

Today, I told my boyfriend I’m pregnant. He told me not to worry, he’d pay child support until it’s 18, and he’d be moved out of our flat by Friday. When I asked him why, he told me not to be stupid, no way was he being trapped into raising a kid. He didn’t even ask if it was a boy or girl. FML

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By nitroman64 - United States

Today, I was visiting my girlfriend at her house. We heard the door bell ring. She told me to jump out the window thinking it was her dad. I jumped, landed wrong, and got hurt. It turns out we were ding-dong-ditched. FML

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By chi-huaHUA - United States

Today, I walked outside to see my friend frantically waving and running at me, yelling something I couldn't understand. I smiled and started to jog over to him until I realized he was screaming "RUN!!!" We spent the next 10 minutes running from his neighbor's 5 vicious chihuahuas. FML

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By Equi - United States

Today, I went to the company's health clinic to treat muscle spasms and a possible cracked rib. In the process the old quack doc and overly eager nurses wound up giving me a storng laxative and 3 enemas, two of them quite large. Then I still had to return to work. FML

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By auraya1985 - United Kingdom

Today, I got called into the school by my daughter's teacher. Apparently my daughter informed her class that over the weekend she spent her time with her daddy watching porn stars while her mummy was at work. It took a long time to convince her they were actually watching a TV show called "Pawn Stars". FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2021 11:00 - Australia

BDSM FML

Today, I realised I need to grow up when I couldn’t stop laughing throughout a very serious meeting entitled, “Master / Sub Remediation Program.” It’s about electricity meters. FML

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By I'm so sorry...

Today, a coworker left a chocolate cake on the "free food" table in the office. I had a slice. She's just called to ask if she left her grandmother's birthday cake at work. She made it from scratch. Now I'm baking a new cake in the office kitchen. FML

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By crappyeve - United States - Wilmington

Today, I was having a Christmas Eve party and my sewer got backed up. Everyone had to go home and now I have to wait until Monday to get it fixed. It's a 15-minute drive to the local McDonald's to take a crap. FML

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By dee - United States

Today, I wound up cleaning vomit out of the window track of my car at midnight, in the nicest dress I own, after my husband got completely wasted at his office Christmas party. FML

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By Nish - United States - Kent

Today, I got my cats a new scratching post. They completely ignored it and tore apart the new felt on my pool table. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Danby

Today, at my school they were having a carnival to raise money. One of the patrons suggested that if they wanted to make money, they should have people pledge money to make me cover my ugly face with a bag. The school got over $500, and I had to wear a bag. FML

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By Kaluhaluha

Today, I came back from a 700-mile round trip. I hit a massive pothole I couldn't avoid and blew out a tire and bent my rim. I was less than a mile from my house. FML

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By Drew - United States - Newark

Today, at school, I wore a back brace because I have fractured vertebrae. During first period, a girl tapped me on the back to ask me a question. It made a "knocking on wood" sound. She looked at me like I was a freak. FML

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By what the FUCK - United States - Midlothian

Today, I worked overtime with three guys who never shut up about partying and getting laid. When I finally escaped the testosterone and got home, the first thing I heard was my grandpa telling my dad all about how he once fisted a girl to orgasm. FML

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By sysadmin:~# rm -rf / - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, my self-esteem sank so low that I sabotaged my workplace's corporate network, then fixed it, just so I could feel needed. FML

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By Rowden - Australia

Today, my boyfriend wouldn't lick the whipped cream I had on my nipples because "That stuff is full of calories." FML

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By Scarlett_Pixie - Australia - Toowoomba

Today, my partner convinced both of our little brothers that we are naming our son Obi-Wan. They now won't stop rubbing my belly and quoting Star Wars. This is going to be one long Christmas. FML

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By she sure has an arm. - United States - Clinton

Today, my elderly neighbor had asked me to take her to her early morning doctor's appointment. I arrived at her house at 7:30 as agreed, and she appeared to have forgotten who I was. She started lobbing eggs out of her window at me, telling me she wasn't interested in what I was selling. FML

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By reallydevonte - United States - Memphis

Today, I went to the eye doctor with my little brother. There were only three chairs and one was occupied by a woman. I sat at the far end, but as soon as I sat down, I heard my little brother yell out loud, "I DON'T WANT TO SIT NEXT TO THE FAT LADY!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my son was planning on going clubbing. I disapproved, but no matter what I say he never listens, so I simply offered him some condoms so he doesn't end up knocking anyone up. He just said, "Nah, dad. Get 'em drunk enough and it's anal all the way." FML

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By bunnyluver4545 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend why having sex with him was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty Pringles can. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my brother thought it would be hilarious to take a pair of scissors to all my bras. My mom can't take me shopping for another three days and I have no one to borrow a bra from. I have school. FML

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By TaintedL0v3 - United Kingdom - London

Heavy session last night?

Today, I woke up with Chocolate Buttons superglued to my face. FML

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By Will - France

Today, I had food poisoning. I spent all day on the can. I also had a bucket to throw up into at the same time. I was sick out of both ends, at the same time. FML

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By skinnybitch

Superficial

Today, my Tinder date took one look at me and left, because, "the camera" made me "look thick" and he, "can’t date a skinny bitch." FML

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By sisisathief - United States - Concord

Today, I caught my sister taking money from my wallet. When I confronted her, she claimed that she was actually putting back money that she had stolen earlier. She doesn't understand the irony. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, as I spent my last $6 on groceries, the woman at the register gave me a dirty look because I declined to donate $1 to a children's charity. My six year old son immediately chimed in with, "Mommy, why aren't you helping the poor children?" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Godalming

Today, my car broke down. My dad insisted he could fix it, but screwed up in the process. After finally getting the car towed to a mechanic, I was told that I'd only needed a new water pump, but thanks to the damage my dad did, fixing it all will cost me a small fortune. FML

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By -.- - United Kingdom - Epsom

Today, my dad found out that I'm a member on a bodybuilding forum and decided to join it too. It's only been a few hours, but he's already told everyone that he's my dad, posted that I'm a "total pussy in real life", and questioned my sexuality. Thanks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I made brownies for my co-workers. My boss called me into his office, and I though he was going to compliment me on the baking. Instead, he talked about how his 5-year-old daughter can make brownies better than me. FML

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By Suomynona - Germany - Hamburg

Today, I felt lousy and decided to give myself a pep-talk in the mirror. After a while, I cheered up and went about my day. I soon found out that my sister had recorded me through the crack of my door and posted the video on Facebook. I'm humiliated. FML

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By

Today, the little bell in my car that lets you know your keys are still in your ignition went out. How did I find out? I locked myself out of both my house and my car. FML

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By cjd - Canada - Montreal

Today, in health class we were watching a documentary about anxiety. My teacher asked if any of us often feel anxious. I was too anxious to raise my hand, and went into a minor panic attack. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to go to the bathroom. I was in a rush, so I went into the boys bathroom. I then had diarrhea. The entire basketball team was waiting for me outside the stall. They did a slow clap for me. FML

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By theflow - Australia - Perth

Today, thanks to a new form of birth control, I've now been having my period non-stop for six weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my friend texted me from a bar, saying they had just called my name in a raffle to win a trip to Aspen, CO. You had to be at the bar to claim the prize. I had left the bar half-an-hour earlier, not knowing they were even having a raffle. FML

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By ow my kidneys - Germany - Bad Oeynhausen

Today, I went down a water slide. Halfway through, I got stuck behind some kids who were blocking the tube. Seconds later, a big-boned lady crashed into my back. Her solution to break the blockade was to start kicking my back repeatedly as hard as she could. The kids still wouldn't move. FML

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Top comments

By devildog562 | 33

#6312708 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:12

Everyone knows the feeling of bad toilet paper. Grandpa has the decency to tell the truth . Just in a crude way.

By TrippingOnAcid | 29

#6312735 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:19

The girl doesn't even need to take a dump to experience the bad toilet paper. Grampa forgets that women always have to wipe down there

COMMENTS

By devildog562 | 33

#6312708 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:12

Everyone knows the feeling of bad toilet paper. Grandpa has the decency to tell the truth . Just in a crude way.

Reply

Way2Fast8 | 20

#6312981 - Sunday 7 June 2015 5:58

All you gotta do is buy better toilet paper

Reply

slingerslasher | 24

#6313018 - Sunday 7 June 2015 6:59

Hook me up with some of that 4-ply oh goddamn sweet jebus yes

By CoGhostRider | 31

#6312710 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:14

1ply toilet paper smh poor grandpa.

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6312795 - Sunday 7 June 2015 1:22

1 ply from the dollar store... *shudders*

By VeganDarkLight | 31

#6312711 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:14

So what?

By DinosaurTacoTime | 18

#6312714 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:14

Must be Angel soft. For some reason it has become devil rough.....

Reply

StickyPickles | 33

#6312893 - Sunday 7 June 2015 4:04

"Scotts" is rough my friend. . I personally prefer the great value brand. I suppose each arsehole to their own, or something like that

By FitFriday | 32

#6312715 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:15

Your grandfather seems like he is quite the character

By HUGBUG | 23

#6312719 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:16

Lol I know the feeling

By joelp232 | 17

#6312726 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:17

well thats just embarrassing

Reply

lambda_fml | 40

#6313006 - Sunday 7 June 2015 6:35

You dont say.

Reply

HUGBUG | 23

#6315254 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 12:47

No shit Sherlock

By King_paradox | 22

#6312728 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:17

Savage.

By mustangbravo | 27

#6312732 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:18

That must have been rough.

Reply

sirrubberducky | 7

#6312762 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:40

I'm new here FML community, but is this one of the acceptable puns?

Reply

shay_serendipity | 29

#6312869 - Sunday 7 June 2015 2:56

Well, sirrubberducky, it depends on who you ask and what mood everyone here on FML is in. So far since it's still in positive upvotes, I'm assuming it's a generally acceptable pun, but not the best, in my opinion- sorry.

Reply

countryb_cth | 38

#6313168 - Sunday 7 June 2015 10:10

I think it was worse for the Grandpa. Sand paper rough tolite paper is the worst.

Reply

shitsville | 13

#6313200 - Sunday 7 June 2015 11:31

I find that it really helps to exfoliate my butthole

By TrippingOnAcid | 29

#6312735 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:19

The girl doesn't even need to take a dump to experience the bad toilet paper. Grampa forgets that women always have to wipe down there