Today, I took my girlfriend home to introduce her to my parents.... - FML

By justin bieber's nutsack - 6/6/2015 07:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I took my girlfriend home to introduce her to my parents. As we arrived, my grandpa was leaving the bathroom. He looked over at my girlfriend with a worried expression and said "Never take a shit in this place! Feels like I wiped my arsehole with sandpaper." FML

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Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Business savvy

By Waffle - 9/3/2011 15:47

Today, a little boy called me on the phone, crying "grandma died" in a broken voice. I just didn't have the heart to say "wrong number." FML

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By Sir Davos of Shit Creek - 13/5/2016 20:00 - Canada - Frankford

Today, my boss asked if I'd finished my work for the day. I've been binge-watching Game of Thrones this week, and I accidentally replied "Yes, Your Grace," British accent and all. He told me to stow my "sarcasm" or I'd be looking for a new job. FML

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By angry mama - 21/9/2019 00:01

The Headmaster Ritual

Today, while picking my daughter up from school, I saw her being beaten by two boys while the teacher stood there doing nothing. I ran to help, but then she pushed one of the boys off her. The teacher then pulled her away, yelled at her and then yelled at me for "not raising my kid right." FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2011 01:28 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend when she starts laughing and says "Wow, this is just too funny". FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2014 09:50 - United States - Southerly North Slope Bo

Today, I tried proving to my best friend that I wasn't a lesbian by telling her I once liked her brother. She was mad because I never told her and now she's calling him. FML

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By bastard magnet - 2/10/2011 22:14 - United States

Today, I came home crying after my boyfriend dumped me for another girl. My dad told me to come tell him what was wrong. I sat down and let it all out, after which he looked up from his book, into my eyes, and gave me his loving advice: "Just cry about it and move on to another bastard." FML

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By Sleepless - 4/8/2016 18:44

Today, after countless nights of no sleep and only some spontaneous naps, I was finally seeing a sleeping doctor to analyze the problem. I missed the appointment because I ended up sleeping through my alarm after not being able to sleep at all last night. FML

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By anonymous - 30/1/2018 06:00

Today, I ended up in an awkward position during sex and dislocated my knee. My wife accused me of doing it on purpose to criticize her for being too fat and heavy for sex. FML

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By Doritos - 17/6/2010 08:06 - United States

Today, my room-mate came out of the bathroom, tossed a Playboy on the coffee table, threw away a used condom, dug his hand into my bag of Doritos, and washed his hands. In that order. FML

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By cali - 24/11/2010 06:08 - United States

Today, I had just finished writing my rough draft essay, so I went to sit by the pond. A giant moth suddenly flew down and attacked me, causing me to drop my binder in the pond, ruining the essay. I discovered in the aftermath that the moth was actually a leaf. FML

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By teeth - 10/8/2011 17:00 - United States

Today, my aunt had to smuggle me some regular toothpaste. Why? My mom isn't letting anyone in our house use anything but "Coral Paste." There are actually lumps of coral in it. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2013 17:38 - United States - Monroe

Today, an old lady steamrolled over my foot with her wheelchair, then laughed as she slowly rolled away, leaving my toes in ruins. FML

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By Shamed - 6/9/2011 08:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on the toilet at work. After a very loud and very smelly session, I waited until the other stall had been vacated to keep my anonymity. As I leant forward for some toilet roll, my ID fell out of my pocket and into the next stall. When I came out, it was face up near the sink. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2013 15:25 - United States

Today, I had a job interview with a man that I got drunk with at a bar on Saturday night. He spent an hour telling me things I did that I don't even remember. FML

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By - 8/2/2020 01:00

He is worried

Today, my husband asked with genuine concern if I would be able to breast feed our kids when they are born, since my boobs are so small. FML

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By newly passed, newly grassed - 6/12/2014 17:04 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, while driving home, I swerved to avoid turning a duck and her babies into roadkill. Another car was coming around a sharp bend at the time and swerved to avoid hitting me. In the end, we both ran our cars off the road, and he took out several ducks in the process. FML

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By CRC - 23/11/2011 15:38 - United States

Today, a freshman set off the fire alarm in my dorm at 2 a.m. He tried to microwave Easy Mac without adding water. I had to stand outside for 45 minutes while the firemen moved the noodles to the sink and ran cold water over them. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2012 15:17 - United States - Santa Cruz

Today, my mom wanted to send me a picture of me at graduation, saying that I looked pretty in it. It was a picture of a different girl; definitely not me. Way to go, mom. FML

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By Fml24609 - 20/8/2010 06:20 - United States

Today, I ended up sleeping on the dirty floor because my sister didn't want to share a king sized bed with me. She got up to get a drink and stepped on my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/10/2014 16:02 - United Kingdom - Birmingham

Today, the guy I really like acknowledged my existence for the first time. Too bad it was through a text saying "lol ur a fat fukc". FML

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By - 1/1/2009 03:49 - France

Today, I went onto my computer and found a cyber sex conversation between my sister and my girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2013 20:04 - United States

Today, I went to bed with a bra on. I woke up with no bra on. My brother had a friend sleep over last night. I wonder where my bra went. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2019 04:00

Today, I tripped and fell going up the stairs, not once, but twice at work as I was leading customers through our building. I actually got bruises. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2016 17:00 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I found myself sneaking into my apartment to avoid the old lady that lives next to me. Funny enough, I moved into my own apartment because I was tired of sneaking into it to avoid my mom who lived with me. FML

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By royalscenery - 27/10/2010 21:58 - Canada

Today, after discussing the side-effects of an insomnia aid, my doctor said that making a choice was naturally a difficult one, and that he would only prescribe it to me once I'd had "a good, long sleep on it". He then laughed out loud and called in the next patient. FML

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By sh33zy - 3/2/2009 20:27 - United States

Today, the only girl I'm friends with deleted my comment off of her profile because she was too embarrassed that people would see we were friends. FML

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By Gayer men’s team - 2/11/2017 04:00

Go Team!

Today, I was sexting my girlfriend when I accidentally sent one to my swim team’s group chat. This means that 19 men got a picture of me flexing with everything on display. Worst part? I got more compliments from them than I ever got from my girlfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2015 22:22 - United States - Saint Peters

Today, I finally stood up to the guy who's been bullying me for the last 2 years. Even though he's been caught in the act several times, he never gets punished, so I figured I'd get away with gut-punching him. Nope. An hour later, I was suspended from school. FML

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By lgt5628 - 26/9/2014 23:58 - United States - Miami

Today, a man approached my delivery van and asked for change for a $5 bill. I guess I should've expected him to grab the change and run off with the extra money. FML

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By Interrupted - 27/11/2010 01:03 - United States

Today, while I was making love to my fiancé, his mom walked out of the hotel bathroom and sat in a chair less than two feet away from the bed. She made idle conversation with us for the next 15 minutes. My fiancé was still inside me the entire time. FML

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By ILOVELEDZEPPELIN - 6/7/2014 20:27 - United States - Wakefield

Today, I called my mother crying, telling her how my husband has apparently been cheating on me for months. To my surprise, she didn't interrupt me or cut me off the whole time. Only when she didn't respond, did I realize she'd hung up a half an hour ago. FML

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By MrGullible - 17/4/2019 00:00

Today, I found out that not only did I pay for my wife to travel overseas to see her brother but to bang some guy half her age as well. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2011 03:13 - United States

Today, I decided to light a candle in my room. Since fire intrigues me, I put an old brochure into it. Paper burns fast, and now my carpet has a big, black burn mark. FML

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By stanky - 19/6/2015 14:47 - United States - Columbus

Today, I was about to leave for my honeymoon with my new husband, when he saw my deodorant in my bag. He picked it up and asked what it was. When I said it was deodorant, he gave me a confused look and said "girls don't wear deodorant". He actually believed that. FML

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By Joe - 27/8/2012 13:33 - United States - Coalgate

Today, I started my new job at a fragrance store. While training, the manager had me smell all of the scents to become familiar with the products. Before my shift was over, I'd had three asthma attacks. FML

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By Maybe I'll stay longer than spring break. - 31/3/2013 04:34 - United States - Midlothian

Today, I came home to visit my family for spring break, only to realize that I'd left my phone in my apartment. After a 2 hour drive back, I discovered my boyfriend with my neighbor. He panicked and pretended to be sleepwalking. FML

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By madiison09 - 1/4/2013 17:46 - United States

Today, I got a letter from Yale law school saying I got a 4 year full scholarship. I called my dad crying and read the whole thing... even the bottom, which said, "April fools! Love mom and dad." FML

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By VoiceMail - 9/4/2011 12:53 - Australia

Today, when I picked up my repeat subscription of anti-anxiety medication, they had changed the packaging to be more 'child safe'. Now it's so hard to get the pills out that I had an anxiety attack trying to take one. FML

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By Weezylover - 26/5/2009 08:24 - United Kingdom

Today, my wife and I watched a documentary film about a kid living with severe asthma. In one scene, the kid has a severe asthma attack, and is rushed to hospital. My wife started laughing hysterically at this and after apologising, goes "it's just he sounded exactly like you in bed." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2010 01:52 - United States

Today, my friends are going to see "The Social Network". They talked about it all through dinner, even though I was sitting right there and I hadn't been invited. When I asked about it, one of them said, "You wouldn't be interested", presumably because I don't use Facebook. He doesn't either. FML

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Top comments

By devildog562 | 33

#6312708 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:12

Everyone knows the feeling of bad toilet paper. Grandpa has the decency to tell the truth . Just in a crude way.

By TrippingOnAcid | 29

#6312735 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:19

The girl doesn't even need to take a dump to experience the bad toilet paper. Grampa forgets that women always have to wipe down there

Comments

By devildog562 | 33

#6312708 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:12

Everyone knows the feeling of bad toilet paper. Grandpa has the decency to tell the truth . Just in a crude way.

Reply

Way2Fast8 | 20

#6312981 - Sunday 7 June 2015 5:58

All you gotta do is buy better toilet paper

Reply

slingerslasher | 24

#6313018 - Sunday 7 June 2015 6:59

Hook me up with some of that 4-ply oh goddamn sweet jebus yes

By CoGhostRider | 31

#6312710 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:14

1ply toilet paper smh poor grandpa.

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6312795 - Sunday 7 June 2015 1:22

1 ply from the dollar store... *shudders*

By VeganDarkLight | 31

#6312711 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:14

So what?

By DinosaurTacoTime | 18

#6312714 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:14

Must be Angel soft. For some reason it has become devil rough.....

Reply

StickyPickles | 33

#6312893 - Sunday 7 June 2015 4:04

"Scotts" is rough my friend. . I personally prefer the great value brand. I suppose each arsehole to their own, or something like that

By FitFriday | 32

#6312715 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:15

Your grandfather seems like he is quite the character

By HUGBUG | 23

#6312719 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:16

Lol I know the feeling

By joelp232 | 17

#6312726 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:17

well thats just embarrassing

Reply

lambda_fml | 40

#6313006 - Sunday 7 June 2015 6:35

You dont say.

Reply

HUGBUG | 23

#6315254 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 12:47

No shit Sherlock

By King_paradox | 22

#6312728 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:17

Savage.

By mustangbravo | 27

#6312732 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:18

That must have been rough.

Reply

sirrubberducky | 7

#6312762 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:40

I'm new here FML community, but is this one of the acceptable puns?

Reply

shay_serendipity | 29

#6312869 - Sunday 7 June 2015 2:56

Well, sirrubberducky, it depends on who you ask and what mood everyone here on FML is in. So far since it's still in positive upvotes, I'm assuming it's a generally acceptable pun, but not the best, in my opinion- sorry.

Reply

countryb_cth | 38

#6313168 - Sunday 7 June 2015 10:10

I think it was worse for the Grandpa. Sand paper rough tolite paper is the worst.

Reply

shitsville | 13

#6313200 - Sunday 7 June 2015 11:31

I find that it really helps to exfoliate my butthole

By TrippingOnAcid | 29

#6312735 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:19

The girl doesn't even need to take a dump to experience the bad toilet paper. Grampa forgets that women always have to wipe down there