Work: Today, I took my girlfriend home to introduce her to my parents.... - FML

By justin bieber's nutsack - United Kingdom

Today, I took my girlfriend home to introduce her to my parents. As we arrived, my grandpa was leaving the bathroom. He looked over at my girlfriend with a worried expression and said "Never take a shit in this place! Feels like I wiped my arsehole with sandpaper." FML

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Commando

Bad boys, bad boys…

Can they do that?

By computerguy - Canada

Today, I took the motherboard out of my computer so I could put more RAM and a new video card in. While I was in the bathroom my mom threw it all out because it 'looked like garbage'. FML

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By Uncomfortable

Today, I tried on a new perfume. When my boyfriend hugged me, he commented that I smelled like his mom. I don't know who was more surprised by the simultaneous bulge in his pants. FML

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By SoSoRachel - United States - Dunlap

Today, while giving a speech at work, I started sneezing. After what seemed to be the last sneeze, I went on talking. Apparently it wasn't, and I blew out my eardrum. FML

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By MattClifford - 15/11/2020 17:01 - Australia

Great start

Today, I passed my driver's test. As I was driving home, I was rear-ended. Rear-ended by the examiner that'd passed me. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I noticed some of my things in my slob of a roommate's piles of clothes. I found six pairs of my underwear that had gone missing. Turns out she hasn't done laundry recently so my underwear drawer was her own personal Victoria's Secret. I hadn't even worn a pair yet. All six were stained. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my toilet decided it wouldn't take any more shit from me, and flooded the bathroom. FML

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By maisie

Today, while at a family gathering, I sat down in a chair and it broke. Embarrassed, I picked myself up and sat down in another chair. That one broke too. I'm now the "fat girl" of the family despite weighing 90 pounds. FML

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By JoshuaRob - United States

Today, I got excited because a snowman I had built lasted a whole week, which is uncommon in my mild climate area. I thought myself lucky, and that my life was turning around. Then I realized how lame my whole train of thought was. FML

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By lbailey32 - United States - Seneca Falls

Today, my boyfriend decided the best way to inform me of his shoplifting tendencies was to steal stuff while we were at Starbucks. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, a little boy shyly told his mom he thought I was cute. I smiled at him as she looked me up and down and said to him, "Eww, honey. No, you do not!" FML

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By blewidstepr

Today, I realized my 3 year old son, who is being potty trained, has better aim standing up to pee than his 30 year old father. FML

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By Lazyuser2849 - United States - Arlington

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. To this, she said, "You need to meet more people."FML

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By Samsonites - United States

Today, I finally decided to tell him I love him. He told me that he loved me too... like a sister! The love of my life has been sleeping with his "sister" for three months. FML

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By Dingbat - United States - Quarryville

Today, I started playing softball again in a league after not playing for about 5 years. My very first time at the bat I whacked a foul ball into the parking lot and hit my own car. FML

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By juliaspaperbags - United States

Today, I was at the lake watching a romantic sunset with my boyfriend. He tenderly started touching my thigh, then started shaking my leg to the rhythm while singing the J-E-L-L-O theme song. FML

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By AnonymousUser - Australia - Brisbane

Today, feeling desperate, I asked my dad for advice on how to get a girl. He asked me why I want to even date. I panicked and said I just wanted to make someone happy. He told me that if I wanted to make someone happy, I should "just start by getting a goddamn vasectomy". FML

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By CLH - Canada

Today, I accidentally dropped my engagement ring down a sewer. To my surprise, the sewer water was frozen and my ring sat on top. During my efforts to retrieve it, I had to watch as the ice slowly melted due to the warm day. The ring sank further and further until it was completely gone. FML

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By Thay - United States

Today, I logged onto Tinder to see if I had any messages. I had one: "Get off Tinder." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Denver

Today, on my way to a big convention in Chicago, I found out that when my friend said, "I live in Chicago," they really meant, "I live an hour and a half outside of Chicago." Hello traffic and hours of daily driving. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went to the doctor thinking I had breast cancer. Turns out, I have a third boob. FML

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By Toasted

Shocking!

Today, in an attempt to be frugal, I tried to repair my own sometimes-faulty toaster. Turns out I unplugged the wrong kitchen appliance, which I only discovered by electrocuting myself while pulling it apart. Now it's definitely broken, will need replacing, and I have a burn. FML

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By Leenotgay - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me that she's totally convinced I'm gay. When I tried explaining that I can't be if I'm attracted to her, she took it as me thinking she's mannish. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend kept trying to convince me to do anal with him. After denying him several times he told me "Why it feels good, trust me." I asked him how would he know. There was a long awkward silence when he then replied with "I'm not gay I swear." FML

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By Anonymous

Excitation morning

Today, while I was in bed, my cat licked my nipple. It turned me on. FML

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By - New Zealand - Palmerston North

Today, I've reached a level of tired I didn't think was possible. I've had less than 3 hours sleep in the last 72 hours and have not slept more than 20 minutes each stretch because my newborn is so unsettled. The baby has been peacefully sleeping for the last 3 hours and I can't sleep. FML

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By Veronica - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my dad if he thought my dress was nice, and if guys would go for me. He replied, "Shit, depends on how drunk they are." FML

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By Anonymous

Hangover

Today, I got really sick after drinking a lot of alcohol and started throwing up. Every time I threw up into the toilet, the water would splash back up into my face. FML

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By Boyufd

Too late

Today, I bought a replacement ID after weeks looking for my old one and not finding it. When I got home, my brother said he'd found my ID. FML

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By ShitStirringSon - United States - San Diego

Today, I was told that my son has Twitter and Facebook accounts that he uses to try to bully people online, some of which are celebrities. He does it really badly, though. FML

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By mermaidkeels - United States

Today, after getting fired, I went home only to find my boss sitting my living room. Apparently, he and my mom had been dating for months and he felt compelled to let me go because it was a "conflict of interest". FML

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By Sarahfizzeller - United States

Today, I found out my ex-boyfriend is moving out to California to be with a girl he met while on Chatroulette. We broke up because he thought we were moving too fast. FML

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By Alyssa Charlotte - Mexico

Today, after being terrified for years, I went on a plane for the first time. It was also the first time I "emergency landed." FML

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By ouchbrow - United Kingdom

Today, I went to get my hair done. The hairdresser managed to catch my eyebrow piercing in his comb and almost rip it out. I now look like I have a gunshot wound on the upper right hand side of my face. I'm getting married in a matter of hours, and I still had to pay £100 for the hair cut. FML

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By someonepleasehelpme - United States - Centreville

Today, I ran into my boyfriend of 5 years. The weird thing was that he was supposed to be in Iran. The even weirder thing was that he was with his wife and kids. FML

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By jlowder2 - United States

Today, my wife and I were getting intimate. I wanted to make it last longer, so I tried thinking of something else. Suddenly she says, "What are you thinking?" I reply, "Dead puppies." This apparently turned her off more than it did me, because she got out of the bed. FML

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By eggs - Canada

Today, while at work at my grocery store I sold a TON of eggs to a bunch of kids. We joked around that they were "going to bake a giant cake." When I got home I found out someone had egged my house. FML

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By mark - United Kingdom

Today, I took my girlfriend out to a nice restaurant for our anniversary. Mid-way through the meal, a guy at the table across left for the restroom. My girlfriend reached over and swiped the guy's wallet from the table. My gonads went AWOL, and I couldn't even bring myself to call her out on it. FML

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By Anonymous - Italy - Milan

Today, while at the store with my mom, we ran into the girl I recently confessed to being interested in. My mom decided to shout, "IS THAT HER?! IS THAT THE GIRL YOU LIKE?!" Embarrassed, I desperately told her to be quiet. She grounded me for being "rude" to her. FML

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By Lin - United States

Today, I was at a concert and an older man offered to let me stand in front of him because I'm short. It wasn't until the show started and people were jumping around did I realize he had a boner and was repeatedly bumping into me. FML

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By doody - United States

Today, I was in a busy airport bathroom with my three year old son. While in the process of pulling my pants down, my son decided to open the stall door. I jumped up to yank the door closed but not before the line of waiting women saw me with my pants wrapped around my ankles. FML

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Top comments

By devildog562 | 33

#6312708 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:12

Everyone knows the feeling of bad toilet paper. Grandpa has the decency to tell the truth . Just in a crude way.

By TrippingOnAcid | 29

#6312735 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:19

The girl doesn't even need to take a dump to experience the bad toilet paper. Grampa forgets that women always have to wipe down there

COMMENTS

By devildog562 | 33

#6312708 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:12

Everyone knows the feeling of bad toilet paper. Grandpa has the decency to tell the truth . Just in a crude way.

Reply

Way2Fast8 | 20

#6312981 - Sunday 7 June 2015 5:58

All you gotta do is buy better toilet paper

Reply

slingerslasher | 24

#6313018 - Sunday 7 June 2015 6:59

Hook me up with some of that 4-ply oh goddamn sweet jebus yes

By CoGhostRider | 31

#6312710 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:14

1ply toilet paper smh poor grandpa.

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6312795 - Sunday 7 June 2015 1:22

1 ply from the dollar store... *shudders*

By VeganDarkLight | 31

#6312711 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:14

So what?

By DinosaurTacoTime | 18

#6312714 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:14

Must be Angel soft. For some reason it has become devil rough.....

Reply

StickyPickles | 33

#6312893 - Sunday 7 June 2015 4:04

"Scotts" is rough my friend. . I personally prefer the great value brand. I suppose each arsehole to their own, or something like that

By FitFriday | 32

#6312715 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:15

Your grandfather seems like he is quite the character

By HUGBUG | 23

#6312719 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:16

Lol I know the feeling

By joelp232 | 17

#6312726 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:17

well thats just embarrassing

Reply

lambda_fml | 40

#6313006 - Sunday 7 June 2015 6:35

You dont say.

Reply

HUGBUG | 23

#6315254 - Tuesday 9 June 2015 12:47

No shit Sherlock

By King_paradox | 22

#6312728 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:17

Savage.

By mustangbravo | 27

#6312732 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:18

That must have been rough.

Reply

sirrubberducky | 7

#6312762 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:40

I'm new here FML community, but is this one of the acceptable puns?

Reply

shay_serendipity | 29

#6312869 - Sunday 7 June 2015 2:56

Well, sirrubberducky, it depends on who you ask and what mood everyone here on FML is in. So far since it's still in positive upvotes, I'm assuming it's a generally acceptable pun, but not the best, in my opinion- sorry.

Reply

countryb_cth | 38

#6313168 - Sunday 7 June 2015 10:10

I think it was worse for the Grandpa. Sand paper rough tolite paper is the worst.

Reply

shitsville | 13

#6313200 - Sunday 7 June 2015 11:31

I find that it really helps to exfoliate my butthole

By TrippingOnAcid | 29

#6312735 - Sunday 7 June 2015 0:19

The girl doesn't even need to take a dump to experience the bad toilet paper. Grampa forgets that women always have to wipe down there