Transportation: Today, I took my car to a drive-through car wash. It wasn't until...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my car to a drive-through car wash. It wasn't until after my back seat was filled with foam and I had been squirted in the face that I realized my back seat window was rolled down. FML

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Transportation

Season finale

Do as I say, not as I do

Our House

By Roasted Marshmallows

A sand castle

Today, I took a DNA test and it turns out that the person who I thought was my dad is not my actual dad and my real dad is his best friend. FML

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By Nyquilwtf - United States

Today, I learned that Nyquil has such an amazing effect on me, that it won't even allow me to wake up to go to the bathroom. FML

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By Ann - United States

Today, my 12 year old cousin decided that "all men are pigs" and deleted every male contact in my phone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom talked to me and my brother about how great it was that our cousin was getting away from drugs and becoming sober, as he would have so many more opportunities opened up for him now. She explained all this while sitting on our patio, smoking a blunt. FML

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By iamshrimpy - Canada

Today, I logged onto Facebook with a new notification. I got excited, until I went on to see that it was my mom commenting on my status. She had seen my friends swear in previous comments and decided to make a comment of her own. She told them, "Hey, watch out yr language!" I'm nineteen. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on the bus, a delusional old man had an extremely long conversation with me, referring to me as "Leslie" and talking about "our childhood together". Not wanting to hurt his feelings I played along. At his stop he got up and grinned at me, saying "I'm kidding. I never knew a Leslie in my life. Nice rack." FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my mother turned up drunk at my house with a chocolate cake for my 14th birthday. I'm 27, I haven’t seen her in 6 years, I'm allergic to chocolate, and when she saw I had 2 kids she wanted to know why I bothered since kids are always "such a disappointment". FML

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By LaurenB - United States - Epping

Today, after a very painful mouth surgery, I went home to take a nap. Then my nose started bleeding, so I stuck a tissue in it and fell asleep. When I woke up, I was so high from painkillers that when I saw the tissue, I thought it was a ghost. I screamed so loud I burst a stitch. FML

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By sounds good mom - United States - Katy

Today, my mom took away my car, phone, dog, laptop and college fund because I told her she lets me down sometimes. I'm moving to Arizona for college in two weeks. FML

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By What? - Australia

Today, I found out my ten year old brother and his best friend have taught our new parrot to say, "Shut up, bitch." We have a bunch of our extended family coming over tomorrow to see what the parrot can say. FML

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By rinala

Today, my boyfriend decided to start an argument and storm off the train we were on. Two stops later, ticket inspectors hopped on the train. He had our tickets. FML

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By A-train - 13/9/2020 08:01 - United States - Wellesley Hills

Not now, mom

Today, it was supposed to be my wedding day. This is the second time we've had to postpone it. The first was due to COVID, this time the sudden passing of my fiance's mother. FML

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By Emily J. - United States

Today, I realized that I text my boyfriend more than I see him. He's my next door neighbor. FML

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By Jakeok - United States - Fraser

Today, I once again used my phone to get out of a conversation with someone, instead of actually talking to someone on it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my new girlfriend was telling me how she's attracted to "All-American" looking guys. Tall, manly body, handsome face. Then she says, "But it's ok, you're cute too." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was walking out of a Starbucks and saw someone walking out behind me, thinking it would be the nice thing to do I held the door open. I was holding the door for about 30 seconds before realizing I was holding the door for my own shadow. FML

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By katara - United States

Busted

Today, I was relaxing on the couch after a long day with my annoying aunt when I heard my sister come in from the garage. I loudly asked, "Do you think Aunt Stacy knows everybody doesn't like her?" It wasn't my sister. It was my aunt returning my purse I had left in her car. FML

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By billy - United States - Wellesley Hills

Today, I dislocated my toe while putting on my socks. FML

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By sadgoblin

Today, the cashier at Walmart kept getting distracted and laughing hysterically while ringing up my items because she couldn’t get past how much I "look like a goblin". She then called her manager over, who agreed. FML

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By Eli123 - United States

Today, I decided to run outside. I noticed a really hot guy mowing his lawn. I ran a couple of laps past him. After a while, when I slowed down, I smiled at him, and he replied You look really hot." I thanked him, and he quickly replied, "No, I mean you're sweating a lot." FML

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By HBCruiser

Today, I’m sitting in my living room, smelling onions frying. My house is all closed up. I’m not cooking anything. FML

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By abi_vet_student - United Kingdom

Today, it was my first day working at a milking parlor. As I crouched behind a cow to put on an udder cluster, I looked up and gasped just in time for the cow to crap on my face. FML

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By Scorned Employee - United States

Today, it finally became clear to me that before you start dating a co-worker, it's best to figure out who they've already dated from work, just in case one of her exes is your new manager. FML

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By queenofthegypsys - 1/3/2020 23:00

Why Change a Perfectly Good System?

Today, while creeping on my boyfriend's ex-wife’s Facebook, I found out that he used to call her the same nicknames he now calls me. FML

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By Pizza-less - United States

Today, my best friend and I were playing Call of Duty, when he said he had to go to the bathroom. Curious, I checked his phone. A text message read, "Tell your friend you're going to the bathroom and come eat. Pizza is here." from his dad. Apparently, I'm not good enough to feed. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2020 08:03 - Germany - Ebersbach

Preferential treatment

Today, my mom’s house has several comfortable places to rest in every room. For the cats and dogs, that is. Unfortunately for me, I'm a human. FML

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By Higgs - United States

Today, I went to the pool. When I hit the water the top of my swimsuit came off so I tried to put it on underwater. The lifeguard thought I was drowning and pulled me out in front of everyone. Topless. FML

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By doesnttastegood - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that whilst I was asleep last night, my boyfriend was playing on his XBox. I also found out that whenever he unlocked a new level, achievement or just generally beat someone's ass, he would celebrate by pulling out one of his pubes and putting it in my mouth. FML

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By ikungfuyou - United States

Today, despite being 21 years old and living in my own place, my mom still managed to walk in on me whacking off. FML

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By Electric Eddy

Today, I got up at 2:30 a.m. to catch an early flight home. I was tired and drowsy and took a quick shower to wake me up. Two minutes in, the water turned scalding hot on all settings. I ended up having to rinse my hair with bottles of sparkling water from the hotel minibar. FML

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By Master Debater - Australia

Today, my grandmother walked in on me watching porn on my computer. She looked at the woman on the screen and said, "I used to have tits like that, but look what having 7 kids did to them." Now I'm scarred for life. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I decided to play with my dog. I sat on the ground and whistled for him to come to me. I smiled when I saw him running at my happily. He sniffed me, turned around, lifted his leg and peed on me. FML

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By driverman12 - United States

Today, I was driving on the freeway when I saw a car in front of me swerving across 3 lanes of traffic. Thinking he might be drunk, I dialed 911 on my phone, but I dropped it. I fished under my seat to get it, swerving, and got pulled over by highway patrol and given a field sobriety test. FML

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By duckwater - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I went for a ride in a paddle-boat. He decided it would be fun to paddle near the fountain. The fountain decided it would be fun to shower me, him and all of our things in filthy, stinking duck water. I had to ride the bus home by myself. FML

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By Anonymous

Looking for another one!

Today, I finally got a Christmas gift, a calligraphy set, for my father that I have been looking for for a month. My dad came home happily with the same calligraphy set today, saying that he surprised himself for Christmas. He got it cheaper than me. FML

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By Yupppp. - United States - Flushing

Today, my new boyfriend with whom I'm completely smitten called me and told me he had an early Valentine's Day gift for me. Gonorrhea. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years accidentally admitted to me that he settled for me because he doesn't think he can do any better. FML

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By M. Moore

Today, I was gathering laundry around the house. I forgot my son was almost 13, and grabbed the very stiff socks from under his bed with my bare hands. FML

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By pooped - 12/4/2020 23:00

Not all heroes…

Today, at work, the only toilet in the building was so clogged that it was overflowing. We didn't have a plunger, so basically the only way to stop it was to try and reach in and remove the blockage. I was nominated to do it. FML

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By taylor_eileen - United States

Today, I drove my mom home from the salon because she was feeling sick. I'm not the best driver, but I was excited that I was helping. Everything was going smoothly until I hit a bump in the road. My mom blew chunks all over. I found out very quickly that she had spicy chicken for lunch. FML

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Top comments

By thebluewizard | 14

#3887916 - Sunday 15 January 2012 16:39

That sucks, but you REALLY should check that beforehand. Just sayin'.

By amanda_say_whutt | 9

#3887959 - Sunday 15 January 2012 16:46

Dude look, you paid for a car wash but instead you got a free shower.

COMMENTS

By thebluewizard | 14

#3887916 - Sunday 15 January 2012 16:39

That sucks, but you REALLY should check that beforehand. Just sayin'.

MedKits | 9

#3887930 - Sunday 15 January 2012 16:41

At least the inside of the vehicle is clean now.

OhHushDear | 11

#3887978 - Sunday 15 January 2012 16:50

Uh, YEAH you should check. And I can't believe it took your seat filling up with foam to REALIZE that a window was rolled down. You sound exceptionally unobservant.

a1f0sff | 25

#3888093 - Sunday 15 January 2012 17:29

You didn't hear loud, strange noises? Like they said, you took that long to figure it out? Smh

attaboy368 | 20

#3888184 - Sunday 15 January 2012 18:03

and now op doen't need to waste time taking a shower and doing laundry when they get home lol

thatshot808 | 6

#3888191 - Sunday 15 January 2012 18:04

ALWAYS check the windows before washing your car. It's common sense and if the window open was the one behind the drivers seat, then you defiantly deserve it!

periwinkle95 | 10

#3891747 - Monday 16 January 2012 8:10

Medkits are you for real a Physician Assistant? If so, I have some questions for you, because I plan to be one. If that's fine with you.

ciscmowe | 5

#3892471 - Monday 16 January 2012 10:55

I bet you like getting stuff squirt onto your face, OP.

MedKits | 9

#3894397 - Monday 16 January 2012 20:24

48 -Drop me a PM when you get the chance.

By wisese | 0

#3887928 - Sunday 15 January 2012 16:41

Hm. I saw a post just like this on Facebook yesterday.

ii_tayman | 0

#3897247 - Tuesday 17 January 2012 7:28

You know what else is weird he got squirted in the face yet it was his back window that was open

By beanybabe | 13

#3887941 - Sunday 15 January 2012 16:43

On the plus side, you won't have to wash the inside of your car:)

67Ravender | 0

#3888889 - Sunday 15 January 2012 22:07

OP's used to getting squirted in the face

By Pelreskovich | 11

#3887957 - Sunday 15 January 2012 16:45

This is your own stupid fault, you ruined your car be side you're an idiot. Wahhh.

Pelreskovich | 11

#3888918 - Sunday 15 January 2012 22:23

Phone typo.

By amanda_say_whutt | 9

#3887959 - Sunday 15 January 2012 16:46

Dude look, you paid for a car wash but instead you got a free shower.

FirstTigerHobbes | 13

#3888319 - Sunday 15 January 2012 18:37

Car wash and a free shower?!
IMPOSSIBRU!

By superpoptart | 24

#3887963 - Sunday 15 January 2012 16:46

This where you call all your friends to have a wild foam party in the back of your car.

By Strafeh | 9

#3887966 - Sunday 15 January 2012 16:47

Did you squirt yourself in the face?

FirstTigerHobbes | 13

#3888376 - Sunday 15 January 2012 19:08

Re-read the FML please

By Savra_fml | 17

#3887986 - Sunday 15 January 2012 16:54

This is totally a YDI! If the car could talk it would probably say "sell me, please!" Get off the roads. That way your car can be nice and clean at home.

By ICATiger | 13

#3887998 - Sunday 15 January 2012 17:05

Cool you and your car got washed

By NBZ_fml | 3

#3888005 - Sunday 15 January 2012 17:11

Funny how you didn't notice until the car wash creamed on your face