Transportation: Today, I took my car to a drive-through car wash. It wasn't until...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my car to a drive-through car wash. It wasn't until after my back seat was filled with foam and I had been squirted in the face that I realized my back seat window was rolled down. FML

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Transportation

Season finale

Masterchef 2020

No data for you

By Something I said? - United States - Bronx

Today, as my wife and I were getting intimate, I thought I would try a little "dirty talk". I whispered in her ear that I would "dick her down good". She couldn't stop laughing. FML

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By lifesmells - Canada

Ouch

Today, I learned that when blender jars aren't locked, they fly off the blender, into the air, hit you in the head and explode all over your kitchen. Today, I also learned that after I'm attacked by a flying blender, the first thing my boyfriend asks is if I'm still gonna make him a smoothie. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, a friend of mine came to my house with tears in her eyes. I thought she was finally single so I could ask her out. Actually, her mother found out she was dating a girl, so she wants me to be her fake boyfriend as a cover-up. At least we're "dating" now. FML

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By purrtygirl - United States

Today, a guy from my school came into my work. I knew him but forgot his name. I didn't want to be rude and ask for his name when he probably expected me to know it. So, thinking I was clever, I said "How do you spell your name again?". His name was Rob. FML

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By tax-man - United States - Chapin

Today, my brother called me, asking if I could help him do his taxes. Since he's a high school and college dropout, I thought all I had to do was a 1040EZ. No, last year he made more than twice what I earn, through self-employment. I have two Master's degrees and work at Burger King. FML

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By peeoncarl1111 - United States

Today, I got my wisdom teeth cut out. While my girlfriend was driving me home, I, still being high on the laughing gas, accidentally admitted to cheating on her. She was kind enough to wait until the numbness wore off before she punched me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was waiting in line while a lady paid for her shopping, when her credit card got declined. She started ranting and insulting everyone and kept insisting: "I'm not poor!" By the time the lady had finally stormed off, I had spittle on my face, and the cashier was almost in tears. FML

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By brokeandsingle - United Kingdom

Today, I finally made the last payment on the beautiful engagement ring I bought and proposed with - two years ago. To my ex-girlfriend, who said no and promptly started sleeping with one of my friends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was given a DUI while in the Whataburger drive thru. FML

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By dileigh - United States

Today, I received my graduation gift, a bath robe, from my parents. My have two older sisters also graduated. The first one got a Tiffany's bracelet, the second one got a plane ticket to Europe. FML

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By KathleenSchuler - United States

Today, I took a week off work because my father passed away. I was at the funeral home making arrangements when I overheard the owners complaining about how their insurance agent had left them to fend for themselves. I'm their insurance agent. FML

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By anon - United States - Irwin

Today, a very drunk woman at the family Christmas party told me she felt terrible that I don't have a mother who cares about me. She is my mother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my new $100 electronic cigarette came in the mail. I was so excited to try it out, I used it on the drive to work. The people who sold it to me weren't kidding when they said it looked and felt real. I threw it out the window when I was done. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, I saw my ex-girlfriend across the street. I was walking with a girl whom I'd been hooking up with and wanted to make my ex-girlfriend jealous. I kissed her and she immediately smacked me. I got a "ha-ha" text message from my ex. FML

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By thebeachisthatway - United States - Worcester

Today, my son got expelled after using the photocopier to photocopy his penis. He then used the copies to replace every directional arrow posted throughout the school. FML

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By woahlaura - United States - Houston

Today, I gave my boyfriend a $300 cooler for Valentine's Day. When I asked what he got me, he pointed at my stomach. I'm 3 months pregnant with his baby. FML

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By Sam - United States

Today, I was at my boyfriend's house. We were starting to get intimate, and I thought it would be kinky to tie his hands to his bed so he'd be more turned on. Suddenly his mom called us for dinner, but I couldn't untie him fast enough. I had to sit there, embarrassed, while his mom undid the rope. FML

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By OldBitch - 16/8/2020 02:01

Growing old gracefully

Today, I realized my breasts look like sweat socks and my ass is sagging so much, it slaps the back of my legs. My neck has grown three chins, and I have put on 40 lbs. Yes, the golden years are here at last, and they can certainly kiss my ass. Happy 50th to me. FML

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By anonymous

Next, on A&E…

Today, when I got out of the shower, my mother, my boyfriend, and 3 of my friends confronted me for an intervention. My problem? They think I'm a workaholic. What they don't know is that I lost my job 4 weeks ago. I stay up all night filling out job applications. FML

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By quinndulgent - United States - West Bend

Today, due to the incompetence and apathy of my lab partners, I have to write a 12-page lab paper by myself. A 12 page lab paper about radishes. Radishes. FML

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By nostamp - United States

Today, I rushed to the post office to mail an important document for the study abroad program that I'd applied for, which was due in a few days. Just as the envelope slipped out of my hand and into the mail box, I caught a glimpse of the upper right corner where there was supposed to be a stamp. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, was my first day working for a real estate company. just as I sat in my car my pants ripped hugely from my crotch all the way to the top of my pants and three inches wide. I was wearing a thong and we were on our way to show him an open house. FML

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By Bex

Today, I got back home after traveling in internet-scarce areas. The first thing I did when I got a solid connection was withdraw from a study abroad program I couldn't afford. Later I found the email telling me that I had been offered an all-expenses-paid scholarship. Too bad I'm not going now. FML

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By Joshua - United States - Weatherford

Today, the woman I have been seeing said she couldn't see a future with me. This was all because I didn't text her back when I fell asleep after working a double night/morning shift. FML

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By talwin - Reserved

Today, I discovered that the more money I earn, the more my personal belongings break down on me. FML

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By George - United States - Vancouver

Today, I got a new girlfriend. Unfortunately, the last girl I asked out just responded to my relationship request on Facebook. It's been 4 hours, and my new girlfriend already thinks I'm cheating on her. FML

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By roomie487 - United Kingdom

Today, I met my new roommate. I also met her stuffed animals, who introduced themselves to me. My roommate makes inanimate objects talk. FML

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By Dilly - United Kingdom

Today, I was tidying my room when my gran came in and offered to help. I said I didn't need any, but she started going through it anyway. She found a tube of "Very Cherry" lube and asked what it was. I subtly tore off the label and tried to convince her it was a face mask. She's taken it to try it out tonight. FML

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By jroberts

Today, I was watching TV in my living room while my wife was cooking. I began to smell the aroma of her potato soup, which made me hungry. Suddenly, I realized that the smell wasn't my wife's cooking but was in fact my body odor. FML

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By bigjohn106 - United States

Today, in front of family and friends, as I got down on one knee, my girlfriend fainted. Her father, a lawyer, rushed over and said, "Anything she says for the next 72 hours is not legally binding" and whisked her away. FML

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By emeraldapostle

Today, my grandfather scolded me for not wanting to go to my 12-year-old cousin's basketball game. This is the same grandfather that refused to go to my high school graduation. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2020 19:02 - United States - Saint Paul

Stress level: 2020

Today, after pushing myself really hard all week to find a new job, I was looking forward to having a nice relaxing weekend with my family. Nope, I got a migraine and can barely function, but also can't sleep. FML

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By nnnaaazzz - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to pay a suprise visit to my boyfriend's house. I let myself in, walked up to his bedroom and found him dancing around. In the dress I had left the other weekend. FML

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By tingleballs - Australia - Brisbane

Today, I put some of my wife's eucalyptus oil in my bath to make it relaxing. I soon found out the amount I used was about 100 times more than you're supposed to use. It took an hour of burning agony to find out the only way to get even a hint of relief was to cover my nuts in yoghurt. FML

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By Rmglrsm

Today, at work, I was helping someone who really sounded like she had a Boston accent. So, I asked her where she was from. She has never been out of state. Turns out she has a speech impediment. FML

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By heart-broken - Australia

Today, my girlfriend left me. The reason? She's not actually a lesbian. She has been using our relationship to piss off her conservative parents. We've been together for over a year, and I've been in love with her for over five. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Elizabethtown

Today, while playing badminton at school, I got an opponent who is mentally handicapped. Since I'm terrible at the game, I guess the teacher assumed it would be a good match. I won the match, my first victory ever. My teacher accused me of cheating to humiliate him. FML

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By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, I went out with a guy I really liked for the first time. He tried to hold my hands, only to be stopped by my mum, jumping out from nowhere saying "Oh no you don't!" before slapping him. This isn't the first time this has happened. FML

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By notsomuchinlove - United States

Today, I had a seizure at my boyfriend's. The second I began to seize, he cursed and picked me up, dropping me on the floor complaining "Now I have to clean the damn couch." I had urinated because I had no control over my body. The couch is still stained. He dumped me for ruining his furniture. FML

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By Stupid

Today, I found out my son has been lying about being sick. He kept complaining so I took him to the doctor and got him some medicine. Now he’s actually sick because he took meds he didn’t even need. He did it solely so he could get an expensive get well soon gift. FML

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Top comments

By thebluewizard | 14

#3887916 - Sunday 15 January 2012 16:39

That sucks, but you REALLY should check that beforehand. Just sayin'.

By amanda_say_whutt | 9

#3887959 - Sunday 15 January 2012 16:46

Dude look, you paid for a car wash but instead you got a free shower.

COMMENTS

By thebluewizard | 14

#3887916 - Sunday 15 January 2012 16:39

That sucks, but you REALLY should check that beforehand. Just sayin'.

MedKits | 9

#3887930 - Sunday 15 January 2012 16:41

At least the inside of the vehicle is clean now.

OhHushDear | 11

#3887978 - Sunday 15 January 2012 16:50

Uh, YEAH you should check. And I can't believe it took your seat filling up with foam to REALIZE that a window was rolled down. You sound exceptionally unobservant.

a1f0sff | 25

#3888093 - Sunday 15 January 2012 17:29

You didn't hear loud, strange noises? Like they said, you took that long to figure it out? Smh

attaboy368 | 20

#3888184 - Sunday 15 January 2012 18:03

and now op doen't need to waste time taking a shower and doing laundry when they get home lol

thatshot808 | 6

#3888191 - Sunday 15 January 2012 18:04

ALWAYS check the windows before washing your car. It's common sense and if the window open was the one behind the drivers seat, then you defiantly deserve it!

periwinkle95 | 10

#3891747 - Monday 16 January 2012 8:10

Medkits are you for real a Physician Assistant? If so, I have some questions for you, because I plan to be one. If that's fine with you.

ciscmowe | 5

#3892471 - Monday 16 January 2012 10:55

I bet you like getting stuff squirt onto your face, OP.

MedKits | 9

#3894397 - Monday 16 January 2012 20:24

48 -Drop me a PM when you get the chance.

By wisese | 0

#3887928 - Sunday 15 January 2012 16:41

Hm. I saw a post just like this on Facebook yesterday.

ii_tayman | 0

#3897247 - Tuesday 17 January 2012 7:28

You know what else is weird he got squirted in the face yet it was his back window that was open

By beanybabe | 13

#3887941 - Sunday 15 January 2012 16:43

On the plus side, you won't have to wash the inside of your car:)

67Ravender | 0

#3888889 - Sunday 15 January 2012 22:07

OP's used to getting squirted in the face

By Pelreskovich | 11

#3887957 - Sunday 15 January 2012 16:45

This is your own stupid fault, you ruined your car be side you're an idiot. Wahhh.

Pelreskovich | 11

#3888918 - Sunday 15 January 2012 22:23

Phone typo.

By amanda_say_whutt | 9

#3887959 - Sunday 15 January 2012 16:46

Dude look, you paid for a car wash but instead you got a free shower.

FirstTigerHobbes | 13

#3888319 - Sunday 15 January 2012 18:37

Car wash and a free shower?!
IMPOSSIBRU!

By superpoptart | 24

#3887963 - Sunday 15 January 2012 16:46

This where you call all your friends to have a wild foam party in the back of your car.

By Strafeh | 9

#3887966 - Sunday 15 January 2012 16:47

Did you squirt yourself in the face?

FirstTigerHobbes | 13

#3888376 - Sunday 15 January 2012 19:08

Re-read the FML please

By Savra_fml | 17

#3887986 - Sunday 15 January 2012 16:54

This is totally a YDI! If the car could talk it would probably say "sell me, please!" Get off the roads. That way your car can be nice and clean at home.

By ICATiger | 13

#3887998 - Sunday 15 January 2012 17:05

Cool you and your car got washed

By NBZ_fml | 3

#3888005 - Sunday 15 January 2012 17:11

Funny how you didn't notice until the car wash creamed on your face