Today, I brought my boyfriend to my house for the first time.... - FML

By cats before idiots

Today, I brought my boyfriend to my house for the first time. He freaked out when he saw my cat, and had to leave because he's allergic. I've posted many pictures of my cat in Instagram, but he didn't say anything about his allergy because he thought it was just a random cat. FML

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Walk on the wild side

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2020 09:02 - United States - Cody

Those assholes are everywhere!

Today, I found out my wife's sister is an antivaxxer, and my wife is headed that way too. Our first baby is due next February. FML

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By elvisfreak5446 - United States

Today, I was arguing with a friend over whether or not I'm fat. She kept telling me that I was. Angry, I sat down on the chair beside her. It broke. FML

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By Anonymous - Latvia - Aluksne

Today, two days before I'm due to fly out to Russia on my first vacation, I caught my extremely over-protective mother trying to force the family dog to eat my passport. FML

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By person - Jordan

Today, I was applying some Icy Hot to my sore thighs, when I accidentally got a little on my dime sacks. For the next hour, it felt like someone had lit a match under my plums. FML

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By Loho - Canada

Today, I was using my dad's cell because I had broken mine. I was texting my boyfriend all day when my dad needed his phone back. I forgot to tell my boyfriend that my dad would be using the phone. My boyfriend then texted graphically what he wanted to do to my dad. FML

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By Porche - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend called me at work and said, "I hate to do this over the phone..." I burst into tears, thinking he was going to break up with me. Turns out he only ate my last doughnut. Now my co-workers think I'm a weirdo. FML

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By Hopper - United States

Today, I was the only carhop at work for the last 2 hours. In that time, I waited on about 50 cars. I make server pay so I depend on tips, but none of them tipped me even a penny. I averaged under $3 an hour tonight. FML

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By jrad - United States

Today, I went to move my dog that had been napping in the middle of my bed for the last few hours, only to discover that he wasn't napping. He died. FML

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By Robert

Today, a judge ruled against me. I filed for divorce because my wife got pregnant even though I had a vasectomy. Apparently, not informing your spouse of a vasectomy is worse than cheating in the eyes of the court. FML

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By owmyfoot - United States - Sacramento

Today, while walking barefoot through my house, I saw something shine on the floor across the hallway. Curious as to what it was, I rubbed my foot across the carpet to feel it. It wasn't until it was deeply lodged in my foot did I realize it was an open safety pin. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I got a steering wheel cover to stop my obsessive steering wheel picking. After putting it on, I realized it was crooked, causing me to have OCD fits every time I drive. I can still pick at the steering wheel around the cover. FML

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By spartanson

Today, my football coach thought it would be a good idea to get drunk, run to the other sideline, and scream, "WELCOME TO SPARTA, BITCH!" This would've been funny if he weren't also my dad. FML

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By katie_sadface - Canada

Today, I learned why so much money has been missing from my credit card account. My boyfriend stole it, and has been buying toys for his 3 children. I never knew he had kids. FML

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By ehcanadianeh - Canada - Toronto

Today, I found $20 under my car seat, so I put it in the cup holder, only for it to fly out of the window while going down the highway. FML

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By cosmonaut - New Zealand

Today, at work I noticed that the last of my pencils had been taken from my desk. I assumed it was the coworker who I've talked to at least ten times regarding taking my stationery. I approached her and, feeling brave, yelled at her in front of the entire office. I was holding the pencil. FML

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By ExFutureGrandsonInLaw

Sorry?

Today, I ran into my ex-girlfriend's grandparents at church. After 5 minutes of catching up, my ex's frail grandmother asked me when I'm planning on "joining the family". I had to explain to them that their granddaughter had dumped me exactly 2 years before. She cried. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I though it would be funny to go on my boyfriend's facebook to change his status. While in the process, his account received a message. Turns out he's planning on hooking up with his ex girlfriend/one of my friends and is definitely over me. How's that for snooping around? FML

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By L_M_AND_R_L - United States

Today, I asked my mom not to bring her dog to my wedding, since he's a real pain in the ass. She told me not to worry about it because she didn't feel like going anyway. FML

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By CheLi - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally invited me over to his parents house so I could meet them. My boyfriend, his dad and I were sitting in the living room, when I saw a really sketchy person outside, so I said, "There is some creepy hobo man outside, messing with your trash." The "creepy hobo" was his mom. FML

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By justanothergamergirl

Today, and for the past 2 weeks, I decided to try online gaming, as it's something I've never done before. I already have a creep stalking me because I mentioned I was single and he is a horny virgin. Remind me never to talk about my lack of love life online again. FML

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By depressednupset - United States

Today, my mother told me to 'quit having a pity party'. I was just diagnosed with depression. I've lost my boyfriend, my job, my academic standing, and I just got rejected from every graduate school I applied for. And my mother thinks I'm a cry baby. Great. FML

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By .... - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car. After spending 20 minutes on the phone with AAA, and then waiting a half hour, the guy showed up, he stuck his hand in the drivers side window and asked, "You couldn't just reach in?" I forgot I left the window open. FML

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By Ahhwtf - United States

Today, my nose was itchy. As I reached towards it to itch it, I sneezed ridiculously hard. I punched myself in the eye and now it's all purple and puffy. FML

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By Tabby - United Kingdom

Today, I had to tell my teenage son that no, his knowledge of the English language was not passed down to him genetically. FML

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By LP - United States

Today, my mom accused me of having an eating disorder, and I didn't correct her. Truth is, I lost weight after I went off the pill a year ago. I'm too embarrassed to tell my mom that I haven't had anyone in a year. FML

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By TukTuk - Germany - Weinb?hla

Today, I spent an hour painstakingly disassembling my antique mirror after discovering a stack of papers behind the back board. I finally got hold of one corner, and pulled out - a newspaper from 2007 and instructions for an IKEA bed. FML

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By Sick'o'bitches

Today, I spent my entire day off making a brisket. It had been cooking for 8 hours when, just before dinner, I went for a quick jog. In that time my girlfriend came home and ruined it by trying to make it the way she wanted. I'm a chef and she's an office worker. We couldn't eat it. FML

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By Talented73 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I went to a local Asian restaurant where this adorable Japanese girl works as a server. We had formed a friendship and I was hoping for something more, but I decided to play "hard-to-get" for the last couple of weeks. When I went there today, the place was closed. Permanently. FML

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By Crochocinco85 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I was walking through the main lobby at school and I saw someone waving at me, so I waved back. Turns out she was just cleaning a glass door. I heard laughter behind me. FML

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By dumped - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because apparently I don't appreciate how he's different from other guys. I only told him that showering once a month was not normal. FML

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By bluep313 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out the real cause of what I assumed was a healthy increase in my teenage daughter's appetite lately. Some fine young gentlemen with a fat fetish convinced her start gaining weight so they could jack off to her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, during the worst flu we've ever had, my wife and I have to go out into thirty-below weather to get firewood because the furnace broke down. FML

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By hard_headed - United States

Today, at work, I leaned back in a chair too far, causing me to tip over and smash my head into a wall. If that wasn't enough damage, my boss keeps replaying the security footage to everyone I work with. My head hurts not from the fall, but the loud laughter that keeps coming from inside the office. FML

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By shouldveknown - Canada

Today, I found out that the money my boyfriend has "secretly" been putting away for the last two months is not for an engagement ring like I'd thought, but for a trip to Vegas I'm not invited to. FML

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By pchis4ever - United States

Today, I was eating at KFC when my roommate unexpectedly showed up. He asked me who I was there with, and I told him I was on a sexy date with his mom. Just then a woman 5 feet away turned around and gave me a disgusted look. Guess whose mom was in town visiting for the weekend? FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was sick, and decided to work from home. After coding for a few hours, I took a break, and being home alone, I watched porn. A few minutes later, I received messages from my colleagues telling me to shut it down. I had forgotten I was working on teamviewer. FML

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By badenoughflowers - United States - Ben Wheeler

Today, my girlfriend returned home from a several week vacation with family. Instead of a happy reunion, I was terribly emasculated, publicly, for bringing flowers that "weren't as pretty as all the other couples' in baggage claim." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while having a screaming argument with my son in our front yard, I suddenly realized we are "that white trash family" in the neighborhood. FML

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By CastAway - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I went down to the pier. I brought an empty bottle and some paper, and we both constructed a massive letter expressing our passionate love for each other. We stuck it in the bottle, and threw it out to sea, only to see it explode in slow motion on a protruding rock. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend was buying a new hockey stick; to test it out he started hitting a ball around the aisle and decided to shoot it back into its bin. Instead the ball hit me dead in the mouth, giving me a fat lip. Instead of consoling me, my boyfriend yelled "GOAL!" FML

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Top comments

By msimms001 | 15

#7797252 - Thursday 25 April 2019 18:49

it's because she's posted about the cat many times, why would he think it's just a random cat each time

By manb91uk | 22

#7797253 - Thursday 25 April 2019 18:53

He's a dumbfuck... Ditch him and find someone with an IQ bigger than his... Nose

COMMENTS

By aangel94 | 9

#7797251 - Thursday 25 April 2019 18:44

I don’t see how you could think you’re the victim here. If he’s a allergic then he’s allergic. Also cats are evil

Reply

msimms001 | 15

#7797252 - Thursday 25 April 2019 18:49

it's because she's posted about the cat many times, why would he think it's just a random cat each time

Reply

KaD6 | 23

#7797320 - Friday 26 April 2019 0:01

Cats are the most loving forgiving animals I've been around. If you think cats are evil it's probably you projecting.

Reply

Gubbon | 8

#7798479 - Tuesday 30 April 2019 5:21

Cats are a gift from heaven.

Reply

Gubbon | 8

#7798480 - Tuesday 30 April 2019 5:22

Her dead corpse, huh?

By manb91uk | 22

#7797253 - Thursday 25 April 2019 18:53

He's a dumbfuck... Ditch him and find someone with an IQ bigger than his... Nose

By KaD6 | 23

#7797319 - Friday 26 April 2019 0:00

I'm allergic too, and I live with my husband's cat. It can be done. If he doesn't want to that's his loss.

Reply

AmbrosiaFan | 18

#7797328 - Friday 26 April 2019 0:58

And some have a different degree of allergic reaction than you... He may be severely allergic to cats whereas sounds like you can handle it with some precautions...

Reply

manb91uk | 22

#7797343 - Friday 26 April 2019 2:09

Yes, precautions! I put a condom on my exes cat, hasn't moved since! Best. Idea. Ever.

By Dodge4x4Ram | 46

#7797355 - Friday 26 April 2019 3:56

I don't like cats, this guy is a winner.

By tounces7 | 27

#7797360 - Friday 26 April 2019 4:32

Well your user name summed it up already.

By evilplatypus | 38

#7797556 - Friday 26 April 2019 19:54

I mean, I don’t have Instagram, but I DO have a friend with the world’s most photogenic cat so I OFTEN share pictures of her on FB.

Reply

raven_of_azarath | 32

#7797588 - Friday 26 April 2019 22:47

It really all depends on the captions OP used. I’m sure you don’t call your friend’s cat your cat on social media. The word “my” should have been a clue.

By millsjoshua949 | 12

#7932808 - Friday 21 August 2020 18:04

That doesn't even make sense.