Today, I took advantage of the fact that my wife was sleeping... - FML

By Skylan - 13/11/2008 10:31 - France

Today, I took advantage of the fact that my wife was sleeping to watch a porn film on my computer. I put headphones on so that she wouldn't hear. It wasn't until she came out of her bedroom that I realised I hadn't plugged them in properly. FML

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Understandable

Innocent

Car Wars

By anonymous001 - 8/1/2013 19:58 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went to the movies with my crush, who had asked me out on a date. Assuming he'd pay, I left my money at home. When the time came to buy the tickets, he only bought one for himself. FML

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By atetoeate - 27/8/2010 06:49 - United States

Today, while trying to give an immunization to a "special" 13-year-old, I got spit on, kicked, almost bitten, and had a chair thrown at me. When it was all over, I flinched when the patient tried to hug me. Her mom called me a "b*tch" and I later found out she wasn't a "special" child. FML

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By Hi, I'm Heather - 1/10/2014 02:05 - United States - Lincolnton

Today, my Spanish teacher told me that the reason the girl I'm tutoring hasn't contacted me yet is because she emailed the teacher saying she didn't like my name, therefore she didn't want me to be her tutor. FML

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By ohsnap - 22/1/2011 21:24 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was going down on me, when I heard my dog start growling. He must have thought my girlfriend was hurting me, because out of nowhere and before I could do anything, he attacked her. FML

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By tessisue - 4/1/2016 11:18 - Germany

Today, I visited the hospital with my boyfriend to have an injury checked. When the doctor removed the band-aid, my boyfriend started screaming and passed out. I had to get him out of the room using a wheelchair. The "injury" is a cut in his finger. FML

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By coffee_princess - 22/7/2010 23:14 - Canada

Today, my father made his bellybutton talk. In front of my new boyfriend. FML

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By cantprovenothing - 18/4/2014 21:31 - United States - Arlington

Today, I was babysitting a 9-year-old kid, when she got thirsty and asked for a drink. All I could find was some kind of Mexican fruit drink, but I didn't realize until too late that it was actually hard liquor. I had to scrub her mouth out with toothpaste and put her to bed to cover it all up. FML

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By I'm my husband's second mom - 3/11/2015 07:14 - United States - Dickson

Today, my husband got angry and stormed out of the house because he claims I wasn't pressing the buttons he told me to while playing Pokemon. FML

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By Sam - 9/3/2019 14:00

Today, I was shopping with my girlfriend at the mall at Victoria's Secret. We got separated, after which I saw 3 of my students. I teach middle school. FML

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By Brad - 7/9/2018 18:30

Today, I was on a 3-way call with my wife and the bank. The bank said we didn't qualify for school loans, which means I have to drop out. As soon as the bank hung up, my wife stayed on the line to tell me she wants a divorce and that she regrets our marriage. FML

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By evilplatypus - 11/2/2019 14:00 - United States - Cromwell

Today, after talking to my psychiatrist about a delusion I have - that I know is a delusion but simply can’t shake - he started frowning and pulled out the DSM-V. After thumbing through it for a while he looks at me and says, “That’s not in here.” FML

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By wellhellothere - 17/4/2011 07:25 - United States

Today, the fire alarm went off in my dorm. Not only was it 30 degrees outside, but I was in the shower. FML

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By brittsters - 4/9/2015 17:46 - Canada - Hamilton

Today, I went to visit my mom and my 3-month-old sister. I picked the baby up, totally unaware that she had just eaten. As I went to give her a kiss, she vomited straight into my mouth. Let's just say she wasn't the only one who puked. FML

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By Powerfool - 7/4/2009 10:07 - United States

Today, I saw the blueprints for my family's new house. My room is half the size of the room next to it. The room next to it is my step mom's walk-in closet. FML

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By Shell - 5/3/2009 07:14 - United States

Today, I was working at Chuck-E-Cheese. If that isn't enough, I was put in the mouse costume. Due to the disgusting hot smell and atmosphere in the costume, I fainted in front of a birthday party. I awoke to a little boy screaming who then kicked me in the face and ran. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2010 00:11 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was making salsa and got jalepeno juice all over his mouth. A little bit later, he started going down me. He hadn't washed his mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/5/2017 12:00

Today, a guy told me I was hot and that I should give him a chance. When I told him I was straight, he instantly called me a bigot. FML

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By windthroughmyflab - 13/5/2015 23:19 - United States

Today, I stuck my hand out the car window and noticed my arm fat flapping in the wind. FML

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By Monkey - 27/10/2012 15:02 - United States

Today, my mom called me from jail. She was arrested for having sex in public. I was with my dad when I got the call. FML

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By gloria77 - 23/1/2012 23:26 - United States

Today, I took my kids to visit their grandma. At one point while playing, my youngest said "shit", so I admonished her. My mom snorted and told me to "stop being such a little bitch", because it will make my kids into "lame prisses like their mother". FML

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By Anonymous - 23/3/2020 17:23

Class act

Today, after 5 years, an engagement, and me being 5 months pregnant, my boyfriend downloaded Tinder again. 2020 is really great. FML

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By Nick - 20/7/2013 19:37 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was babysitting a little boy for the first time. He kept using all sorts of profanity toward me the whole evening, so I told his mom when she picked him up. She just grunted and muttered, "Fucking cunt-ass snitch." FML

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By tnh - 17/11/2011 17:39 - United States

Today, just like every other day, I was woken up 2 hours earlier than I needed to be, by the alarm belonging to my upstairs neighbors. They won't wake up until their real alarm goes off: me, pounding the walls and yelling in frustration. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2015 14:16 - Denmark - N?rresundby

Today, I sharted during my wedding vows. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2017 16:19

Today, my dad tried to help me overcome my intense fear of horses (due to nearly being killed by one as a child) by taking me to a ranch. Within 30 minutes, a horse bit my face. FML

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By wahwah - 23/10/2009 06:51 - United States

Today, I had to complete a project for my course in Italian. We had to write a little paragraph about a friend. I had to make one up. FML

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By - 26/3/2019 00:00

Today, my husband told me that, to feel less unreliable, he was just going to stop saying he was going to do anything around the house. That way, when he actually did something (i.e. wash dishes), I could be pleasantly surprised. FML

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By Foreveralone - 22/7/2016 08:54 - United States - Hartford

Today, I was told I'm not invited to my best friend's birthday party. Apparently, being divorced and childless doesn't "mesh" well with the rest of the group. My parents are still watching her kids so she can go away for the weekend. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/12/2016 20:14

Today, my boss yelled at me for leaving on time. After months of management hounding us about our overtime, I get in trouble for doing what I was supposed to do. FML

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By watchyoself - 28/12/2016 21:45 - United States - Miami

Today, my boyfriend had the very expensive watch he got me for Xmas resized. I dropped it trying to put it on and shattered the glass. The warranty won't cover it because of the adjustments made. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2009 05:05 - United States

Today, my brother found 100 bucks in his coat pocket. He was so happy he bought 2 new games for his x-box. He was borrowing my coat. FML

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By ohtheshame - 2/5/2011 08:34

Today, I sent a kinky text message to my boyfriend. Within minutes I got a reply of 'whoever this is, fuck off and give my girlfriend's phone back.' Apparently I'm so bad at writing sexy messages that my boyfriend thought it was a prank from someone who'd stolen my phone. FML

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By Momma - 19/6/2010 07:47 - France

Today, my kids thought it would be funny to put pictures of naked men and women as people's ID on my phone. They won't tell me how to change it back. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2019 04:00

Today, I ran into an old friend, and she asked me how I was doing. I replied, "Still alive!" like I always do. I forgot both of her parents recently passed away. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2012 13:46 - United States

Today, I was finally paid back by a friend who wrote a check out. Not really looking at it, I went to the bank to deposit it. As I handed it to the teller, I noticed that he had written "sex" in the "for" memo. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/1/2011 21:23 - United States

Today, I rode home alone on a train. I accidentally missed my stop, but wasn't worried about it. My mom did not share my optimism and actually called the train company, saying that I was "lost" and "special". They thought she meant I was retarded. They wouldn't believe me when I said I wasn't. FML

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By peteswentzbass - 26/1/2013 17:18 - Netherlands - Nuenen

Today, my roommate and I noticed a foul smell in our apartment. After looking around for a little while, I found that her cat had pooped on a pair of my jeans, and apparently tried to cover it up by dragging a shirt over the mess. FML

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By Renna303 - 18/9/2017 20:00

Today, I dropped my 6-month-old $3,500 guitar. Luckily, it had a one year warranty from the store so I drove back. It was shut down. FML

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By Roma-Jay - 22/7/2012 14:13 - United Kingdom - Coventry

Today, while trying to look cute and playing with my hair in front of a boy, I pulled a piece of my hair extension out. FML

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By Nate - 12/1/2012 05:36 - United States

Today, my girlfriend dumped me because I have never read any of the Harry Potter books. FML

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Top comments

By fmlplzthks | 0

#23005 - Monday 9 March 2009 7:35

if you guys sleep in separate bedrooms wtf else does she expect you to do...

By HyperFlirt | 0

#20815 - Sunday 8 March 2009 4:52

If I was her I'd be rightly pissed :P

COMMENTS

By HyperFlirt | 0

#20815 - Sunday 8 March 2009 4:52

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

shortypie | 3

#336281 - Wednesday 24 June 2009 15:58

i hope you are single, if not FHL for being with you.

Reply

z_hamel | 0

#2803256 - Saturday 2 July 2011 6:09

idiot he said his wife how can he be single

Reply

isminei | 6

#3058253 - Sunday 7 August 2011 17:45

I think shortypie was replying to HyperFlirt

Reply

T1A2Z3 | 34

#7654027 - Wednesday 27 June 2018 16:15

Because you were woken up?

By fmlplzthks | 0

#23005 - Monday 9 March 2009 7:35

if you guys sleep in separate bedrooms wtf else does she expect you to do...

Reply

lady_hoff | 0

#986214 - Wednesday 28 April 2010 6:30

wow. that is what every great man should do. watch porn behind there wife's back and then post how she saw you on fml. your a keeper

Reply

picante72 | 24

#5379997 - Saturday 23 February 2013 19:16

He probably left their bedroom to go spank the wank in the living room where she wouldn't hear him.

By ThorsSon | 0

#23482 - Monday 9 March 2009 22:38

#3 said basically what I was thinking... "she came out of HER bedroom"?

FYL for sure dude.

Reply

kendallannalea | 0

#2050114 - Sunday 6 February 2011 2:26

I was confused on that one too.

Reply

wiz_khaliffa | 0

#3552762 - Monday 7 November 2011 5:00

He could have been in the living room while watching it and she could have came out of their room to see what was goin on .

Reply

riceicle1 | 6

#3624840 - Wednesday 23 November 2011 17:00

But it says HER bedroom.

By roseglass6370 | 0

#39619 - Wednesday 18 March 2009 6:24

Wow...if I were her I would be LIVID.

But yeah, what up with the "HER" bedroom...?

Reply

xNephilim | 18

#4036896 - Wednesday 15 February 2012 5:10

Why? Men watch porn. It's somewhat natural. Nowadays anyway.
I don't see what the big deal is... It's just porn, for God's sake.

By jdkfgkjdfb | 0

#58558 - Thursday 26 March 2009 0:02

"Her" bedroom? You and your wife don't share one?

Porn is for pervs.

By hottstuff69 | 0

#81043 - Saturday 4 April 2009 4:05

porn helps with the later of the week.... why would she be pissed

By slax0r | 0

#126109 - Monday 20 April 2009 4:26

same as #8, do you really need porn if you're married? If so, something's probably wrong.

Reply

xerbrus | 14

#5850596 - Thursday 6 February 2014 22:45

people become uninterested in each other after a time plus if they aren't sharing a bedroom he's probably not getting laid

By MozillaFirefox | 0

#129839 - Tuesday 21 April 2009 18:17

Wow, talk about whipped. Does she keep you on a leash when you leave the house, too? Seriously though, if #8 and #9 are guessing right, then you need a divorce or something.

By Sessee | 4

#139564 - Friday 24 April 2009 18:06

Agreed with #3.

But, yeah, if I were married and my husband woke me up all like "SEX PLZ", I'd be like, "fuck off". I am guessing he'd watch porn.

By danjmclaughlin | 0

#146294 - Monday 27 April 2009 2:20

That sucks, I know the feeling though.