Today, I took a team meeting from home. More specifically, my... - FML

By Zzz - United States - Brighton

Today, I took a team meeting from home. More specifically, my bed. Because I make great decisions, I ended up falling asleep. At some point during my nap, my cat walked over my keyboard, turning on my webcam. I woke up to my video on and no one left in the meeting. Everyone saw. FML

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Vulture

TMI

Whoop-di-scoop-di-poop

By sonofaneuroticwench - United States - Rice Lake

Today, my dad and I got into an argument, and he ended up calling me a son of a bitch. My mom heard and started arguing with him over him calling her a bitch. Three hours later, I'm now staying at my gran's house with my mom and hoping her threats of a divorce weren't for real. FML

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By mraow123 - United States

Today, I was walking my dog but every time he looked like he was about to "go", he became uninterested with the spot and kept walking. I, following behind, tripped over a bump in the sidewalk and face planted. My dog then finally urinated, all over my aching body. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Houston

Today, I helped an elderly lady put a bookshelf in her car. She then thanked me by hitting me with her car as she drove out of the parking lot. FML

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By Hireme

Today, after being unemployed for the last year, I finally got an interview. When they asked me my favorite past time, I panicked and said, "dancing with my cat". I guess I won’t be hearing from them anytime soon. FML

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By ThanksMom - United States

Today, my parents were helping me construct my bed. We ended up not having enough screws to properly secure the frame. My dad mentioned that it might cause problems if I got a girl into my bed. My mom said, "Don't worry about it, we all know that's not going to happen." FML

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By soontobewidow - Turkey - Istanbul

Today, my husband was involved in a horrible series of accidents; he repeatedly slipped and fell into my best friend's vagina. FML

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By ImprovTeacher

Today, I was teaching a small group of improv students. I asked one guy to do a monologue, and laughed to myself while he did so. I said, "Sorry, I'm just laughing at the way you're doing it." He then got upset and pointed out that he had a speech impediment. FML

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By KamiAzaaaaaa - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out my credit card was maxed out to the penny, all thanks to purchases made on an online wine store. Apparently my mother was thirsty enough to steal from her own son. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2020 08:03

Unloved

Today, my dad lied and said he was busy working, all because he didn't want to see me. FML

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By embarrassed - United States

Today, I was at Target with my mom and we finished purchasing our items. We had gotten a fan so I said, "This thing is too big to fit in." First thing my mom yells? "THAT'S WHAT SHE SAID!" and starts laughing hysterically in front of the entire store. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my co-worker's birthday but she told me not to mention it. Feeling bad for her, I went out to buy her a card, a present, and even a small cake. It turns out that there was actually a party during our lunch break, and I was the only one in our office not invited. FML

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By gunman - United States

Today, I was showing my friend's dad an airsoft gun I was hoping he would be interested in buying. It's a pistol worth about 90 bucks. In the midst of showing him, I thought it would be funny to do a fake, upwards "pistol whip". The mag ended up flying out full speed and hitting him in the eye. FML

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By amandadonnelly97 - 1/5/2020 05:00

Xbox (not in) One (piece)

Today, after weeks of saving, we finally got our Xbox One delivered. The courier guy who was bringing it up the two stories of stairs tripped on his laces, throwing the package over the side of the stairs. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lebanon

Today, I found out that I am allergic to one of the preservatives that they put in aloe. I found this out after I put some on a severe sunburn I have. Not only am I sunburned, but now I am severely itchy as well. FML

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By Crazy Mom - United States

Today, my mom walked into the bathroom while I was taking a pic to send to my long-distance boyfriend. She then told me I would go to hell for flaunting myself at guys. I was fully clothed, sending a pic to see if he liked my new haircut. That and I'm 21. FML

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By notsosmart - Australia

Today, my son broke a window at school playing football. Not only did he break one, he broke the other window next to it. His excuse? He tried making it look like a bird flew in one way and flew out the other. I have to pay $800 to fix it. FML

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By Ugh - United States - Washington

Today, I locked myself out of my apartment. I've just realized that I could have spent $30 on an Uber or Lyft to my parents' place to grab the other set of keys instead of calling a locksmith and paying $280 for him to drill a hole through my doorknob, rendering all my keys useless. FML

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By Nathaniel Bastien - 6/2/2021 23:01 - Canada

If only it was a leap year

Today, I inquired about getting a raise from a company that I've been with for 5 years. My manager said I'll get one starting February 29th. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed I give myself pep-talks when I'm lonely. FML

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By Lonely - New Zealand

Today, I congratulated my friend for getting engaged. This is the fourth friend of mine this year that has become engaged. I haven't even had a boyfriend yet. FML

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By NowHomeless - United States

Today, my roommate woke me up during afternoon nap to tell me that I need to move out. His reason: "Our political differences will likely escalate to violence." FML

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By shitface - United States - Arlington

Shared towel

Today, after I took a shower, I was wiping my face with the towel I share with my sister. It smelled peculiar, so I took my face away and looked at it. Turns out, I was wiping my face on a huge shit stain. FML

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By moosemay - Germany - Dittelbrunn

Today, I took my two-year-old daughter to the dentist for her first check-up. We were at the front desk when she tripped, fell and chipped her front tooth on the marble floor. FML

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By Baldy

Polly Want a Wax

Today, I was using pre-waxed strips to wax my eyebrows when my parrot investigated by walking through them. He then screamed, flew into my hair, thrashed around, and got stuck. I now have two bald spots and two parrot bites. FML

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By superpissed - United Kingdom - Solihull

Today, I went for a trial shift somewhere perfect for me to work. I knew loads about the place and how they worked. The trial shift went really well. Not even 2 hours after my shift, they rung to tell me I'd lost out to someone who swore at a customer. FML

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By failure - United States

Today, my professor snapped and told me that I know nothing, that everything I've ever learned is wrong, and that all of my former teachers should be shot. FML

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By Lexiebear27 - United States

Today, I was fired for being a very happy and perky employee. According to my boss, it freaks both the customers and my co-workers out. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tucson

Today, I was playing tug of war with my dog. She let go and I ended up punching myself in the mouth. My lip is still swollen. FML

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By Alexandra - United Kingdom - Heckmondwike

Today, my fiancé completely missed the birth of our first child because he had started watching a new series on Netflix and really wanted to know how it ended. By the time he made it to the hospital our daughter was already 7 hours old. FML

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By . - United States

Today, I was having sex with my husband. We thought the house was empty so we didn't mind being loud. Apparently, my grandma thought it would be fun to give us a surprise visit. All I found was a note on the counter from her and the spare key saying "Next time, I'll call." FML

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By sugar - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years told his friend that he decided a long time ago that he would never be faithful to a woman. I was sitting next to him. FML

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By Thanks dicks

Today, I got naked in front of a girl for the first time. Too bad it happened when my "friends" pulled down my swimsuit at a party. Everyone saw my penis. I got a boner. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2020 13:58

Bad timing

Today, my best friend's parents posted her wedding date on Facebook. My best friend got engaged a few months after I did. The only wedding plan I have come up with so far is a Fall 2022 wedding. My best friend is also planning a Fall 2022 wedding. FML

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By SlowPacker - United States - Minneapolis

Today, my family informed me that we were going on a 10 hour road trip to my cousin's wedding. They only decided to tell me 45 minutes before we left for said road trip. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got into an accident and my bike broke. My insurance expired 5 days ago and the accident wasn't even my fault. The lady was on the phone and on the wrong side of the road. She's threatening to sue me even though her car is in better condition. There are no witnesses and no cameras either. FML

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By humanshield - United States - Rockland

Today, while working my job as a swim instructor, my coworker sprayed me with the hose. I instinctively held up what I was holding to block the cold water. I was holding a 4 year-old. FML

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By Why Me - United States - Indianapolis

Today, my neighbor finally decided that when she walks her dog, she should pick up his poop. She also decided to leave the poop-filled bags in my driveway. I confronted her about this and she claimed it's never happened. I've watched her multiple times from my front window. FML

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By heaventlyassbutt - United States - Brooklyn

Today, it's been two years since I graduated with my master's. It's also been the same amount of time since I've been looking for a job. I got an e-mail yesterday from a company for a telephone interview which I was happy about. The day of the interview, my phone is disconnected. FML

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By 3,500 down - United States - Altus

Today, my train departed over 10 minutes early. It was the last train of the day. I missed my transatlantic flight and along with it the vacation and concert I'd spent over a year saving for. FML

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By issy - United States

Today, while taking a shower in the dorm bathroom, my roommate thought it would be funny to steal my towel, robe, and key. I spent over an hour waiting for someone to come into the bathroom so I could ask them to bring me something to cover up. FML

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Top comments

By XyZtU | 0

#7401562 - Monday 30 January 2017 23:19

or disable the cat.

By AC98 | 19

#7401541 - Monday 30 January 2017 22:34

Well, that's one way to start your day I guess.

COMMENTS

By hpandher | 16

#7401528 - Monday 30 January 2017 22:10

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

PurpleMyth | 28

#7401660 - Tuesday 31 January 2017 2:44

That's pretty creepy

By AC98 | 19

#7401541 - Monday 30 January 2017 22:34

Well, that's one way to start your day I guess.

By Larzs | 0

#7401558 - Monday 30 January 2017 23:13

Next time disable your webcam prior to the meeting.

Reply

XyZtU | 0

#7401562 - Monday 30 January 2017 23:19

or disable the cat.

By Zanquis | 22

#7401571 - Monday 30 January 2017 23:42

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

heyLaddieHey | 18

#7401680 - Tuesday 31 January 2017 3:52

Sarcasm.

By OysterPearls | 33

#7401577 - Monday 30 January 2017 23:54

I want to know what "great decisions" exactly were made for this to happen.

Reply

AjaniMiguel21 | 1

#7402276 - Tuesday 31 January 2017 23:11

You idiot! There were no "great decisions" she was just saying it sarcastically ?

By lilchica22001 | 22

#7401581 - Tuesday 31 January 2017 0:11

Yikes OP! I really hope you don't lose your job. If your boss asks, tell him you were extremely tired from working all night on a project for work. Might make you look more dedicated. Good luck :)

Reply

Bearsmomma | 30

#7401641 - Tuesday 31 January 2017 2:05

Unless you have no project to provide as proof. Then you're a liar and sleep on the job, making you even less valuable to the company.

By empbob | 20

#7401731 - Tuesday 31 January 2017 5:49

Hope you weren't virtual meeting in the nude...

Reply

Iwannarock1 | 19

#7401742 - Tuesday 31 January 2017 6:31

Or masterbating

Reply

Iwannarock1 | 19

#7401743 - Tuesday 31 January 2017 6:31

Or masterbating

By loucypher | 2

#7402027 - Tuesday 31 January 2017 16:29

So your lazy.

By archerbea | 4

#7402126 - Tuesday 31 January 2017 19:52

You're lazier than your cat.

By edmunson | 22

#7402457 - Wednesday 1 February 2017 5:43

WTF were you thinking? This wasn't a great decision right from the start!