Intimacy: Today, I took a shower at my girlfriend's apartment. I was wandering... - FML

By HadToApologize - United States

Today, I took a shower at my girlfriend's apartment. I was wandering around, gathering my clothes when I noticed my girl doing her hair in the other room. She looked sort of peculiar, so I stood there, studying her. Half naked. I then realized it wasn't my girlfriend, but her roommate. FML

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Taking stock

Dementia or hate? You decide

What did I do?

By Anonymous - United States - Fairfax

Today, as I was walking home from work, I became the victim of a drive-by peanutting. Yes, apparently I'm only worth a bag of nuts. FML

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By marymark - United States - West Long Branch

Today, I woke up to a note from my parents saying we need to talk. Assuming it was about the weed I'd left on my dresser, I quickly confessed. Turns out my dog died. FML

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By whykarma - United States - Waxhaw

Today, my German Shepherd decided to bark at, then attack, a painted rock. At least I know I'm protected from inanimate objects. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after a lifelong struggle with suicidal depression and heroin abuse, I've been clean for six months. This is the healthiest I've been in ages, and naturally, I've gained weight. My whole family constantly talks about how I’ve let myself go, and how I should go back on heroin to be thin. FML

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By fuck you, gran - United States - Ashland

Today, my family threw me my 21st birthday party. My grandma's gift turned out to be a pack of condoms. "Not that you'll ever get to use them," she said, turning and walking off, cackling maniacally. Now I remember why I never talk to the old crone. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Gatineau

Today, my dad was doing FaceTime with a friend. He turned his iPhone towards my sister and said "There's my daughter..." He then turned it to me and said "...and there's my ugly son", then walked away. I'm still not sure if it's a joke or not. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pittsford

Today, my cat jumped on my shoulders, but stepped in my hood and choked me and when I panicked she dug her claws into my shoulders. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Phoenix

Today, my husband told me that he is done having sex because it eats up his online gaming time. FML

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By Marc - Hong Kong - Tsuen Wan

Today, it's been almost 2 months since I moved into my new place, and it's the first time a girl has slept in my bed. I also slept on my new couch for the first time. FML

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By Eric Moore - United States

Today, my girlfriend of 3 years said she was leaving me because recently I wasn't making much money, and was playing too many video games. I recently got a raise at my job of 5 years. The job? Testing video games. FML

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By j - United States

Today, my wife told me alcohol gives me "increased confidence without increased ability." FML

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By edwinduarte1 - France

Today, I noticed that the walls of my apartment are ridiculously thin, when I heard my neighbor slowly walk up the stairs, slam the bathroom door, lift the toilet cover, take a pee and end with a nice "AAHH." FML

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By cherokeems - United States - Harriman

Today, my 8-month-old dog decided to decorate the living room by tearing apart a rented college textbook, the reference guide that went with it, and part of a color therapy book. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was picking my daughter up at day care. She was outside playing kick ball. A red ball rolls over to me, and trying to impress the kids, I kicked it over the slide. I turn around to see three crying six year olds. It was their hamster ball. FML

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By girlw/ablog - United States - Austin

Today, while on a bus, an elderly lady sat next to me sneezed so hard, snot literally went flying. I even offered her a napkin, that she refused. After a brief panic and realizing she had nothing to clean her mess with, she "inconspicuously" wiped her snotty hand on my pants. FML

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By pist off

Classy.

Today, I felt rain on my face. I looked up and saw a man peeing off a hot air balloon. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/10/2020 20:01 - United States - San Mateo

Compassionate dad, huh?

Today, I was having an emotional breakdown. I'm unhappy a lot and don't know why. It's very confusing. My dad yelled at me, telling me, "You have no right to be sad!" I'm even more confused now. Help. FML

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By JB - United States

Today, it was my first day as a vacuum salesman. While I was demonstrating how well it removed stains, I managed to smear stuff over the area I was cleaning. So not only was I unsuccessful in removing the original stains, I left them with worse carpet than when I got there. FML

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By nopenopenopenope - United States - Winston Salem

Today, I tried to have a relaxing soak in the tub. The giant wolf spider that was already in the tub didn't like me trying to set it free outside. It ran right across my feet and back into my house when I dumped it out of a cup outside. I screamed like a little girl. FML

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By neverunderstood - Italy - San Pietro In Casale

Today, my wife suddenly texted me to meet her halfway beetween our house and the supermarket. I immediately put my shoes on and started walking eager to get to her as fast as I could to surprise her. Turns out she was carrying three heavy bags and yelled at me for being slow and by foot. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Encinitas

Today, my butt decided to delete the 650 photos I had on my phone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I've had so many family members die in the past 4 years, I now think of which pictures would look good at people's funerals when I look through photo albums. FML

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By t.hughes - United States

Today, my fiancé dumped me because he claimed he needed to "focus on his career and his engagement." When I asked him how dumping me would help with his engagement, he immediately replied with, "No, I mean my other one." FML

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By Snow - United States

Today, while I was trying to take off my eye make up, I accidentally used nail polish remover. FML

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By NewlyChildaphobic - Ireland

Today, I was minding a 6-year old boy. He begged me to take him somewhere. I rang his Mum, and she said I could. He picked to go to McDonald's. He ordered chicken. After his meal, he told me he was vegetarian, and wanted to try some meat while his Mum wasn't around. I got the blame. FML

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By anonymous - United States - Crossville

Today, while working the drive-thru at work, an older woman asked for my phone number to give to her single son. After I politely declined, she called me a slut and threw her food at me through the window before promptly speeding off. FML

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By Byepax - United States - San Francisco

Today, my mom found out I'm failing three classes. Now she won't let me go to a convention I bought passes for weeks in advance. Each pass was $45, and I bought 2 more for my friends. You do the math on that, because I apparently can't. FML

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By new dog - United States - Gaithersburg

Today, I realized that my dog is a pro at pooping directly in shoes. FML

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By Anonymous - Mexico

Today, some guy I passed in the street was so high out of his mind, he beat the crap out of me, thinking I was a piñata. FML

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By Lil_bit - France

Today, I backed into our new garage door. The same new garage door that we purchased because I broke our old one by backing into it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a soldier in my unit had unknowingly lost a GPS in the woods and my section was sent to go find it. After hours of wading through chest high swamps in 32 degree weather, the GPS was found, thanks to the soldier who lost it. It was in his vest. FML

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By runfattyrun - Australia - Abbotsford

Today, I got a gym membership for Christmas, from 3 different people. I think my family's trying to tell me something. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, a customer came in who only spoke Spanish. I speak Spanish rather well so I helped the customer. She ended up buying $2300 worth of stuff. I got written up because not speaking English apparently "has the potential be offensive to other customers if they are not able to understand you". FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2021 15:01 - Australia - The Oaks

Sorry, but it's a no

Today, after years of battling mental health and unemployment, I was rejected from a job packing tomatoes. Apparently I'm unsuitable for even the most basic work. FML

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By EpicOracle - 13/2/2021 13:57

Praise the Lord!

Today, I woke up to my friends-with-benefits asking me why I didn't pray after waking up. We had an all nighter and I don't even know if that's something to be worried about. FML

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By Penny

Animated movies

Today, at work, I was discussing animated movies with a male senior who's got kids. I was trying to refer to Zootopia but couldn't remember the name. I went, "Zoo, zoo... filia?" Silence. It wasn't until I got home an hour later that I realized what I said. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me because I was "letting myself go". When I told the little girl I babysit in the afternoons why I was so upset, she looked at me for a moment before saying, "Well, I definitely can't blame him." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was shaving naked in my cold bathroom before showering. My wife walked up behind me, yelled "Shrinkage!" and flicked the head of my penis as hard as she could. FML

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By aziraphaleelle - United States - San Jose

Today, I had to wave my arms like a maniac as I sat on the toilet at work, otherwise the faulty motion sensor/timer would turn the lights off after about ten seconds. I've had to do this for several days now. No one else has reported this problem, so management won't get it fixed. FML

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By seussical65 - United States

Today, during dress rehearsal before the show, I came in with crutches pretending I broke my leg as a joke. I then threw away the crutches, laughed and then fell down some stairs. I am now in crutches with a broken leg. I was the lead. FML

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Top comments

By shakenbake93 | 0

#652138 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 12:16

Oh man. I got to see a naked chick. FML.

By mitch707 | 0

#652159 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 12:40

Oh no did she see your nipples? How will you ever recover...

COMMENTS

By shakenbake93 | 0

#652138 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 12:16

Oh man. I got to see a naked chick. FML.

Reply

bridgette5866 | 0

#883026 - Monday 22 February 2010 22:28

The chick wasn't naked, OP was. The girl was doing her hair. Why is this so hard to understand?

By shakenbake93 | 0

#652143 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 12:20

oh. just got what it was saying. but still you were only half naked. how is this an fml?

Reply

cherry26272627 | 6

#3583337 - Monday 14 November 2011 6:30

Op is a girl.

By Savvysass | 0

#652148 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 12:23

wow, I feel so bad for you. that must have really scarred your soul, I suggest counselling for douchebaggery you douchebag.

By mitch707 | 0

#652159 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 12:40

Oh no did she see your nipples? How will you ever recover...

Reply

aperfectxdeath | 3

#4012074 - Thursday 9 February 2012 5:53

How will SHE ever recover***

Reply

Jiplo | 18

#5947750 - Saturday 17 May 2014 5:13

"You" is unisex... No gender is applied to "you".

By Mortanious | 0

#652169 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 12:50

How is this an FML? I put down YDI but seriously there should be a third option for posts likes this; something like "you're a f***ing idiot".

By Crazyemt5150 | 0

#652180 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 13:12

Today, I I realized that I have a vagina and it's bleeding. FML dude your an idiot.

Reply

mind_geek | 15

#2575351 - Friday 27 May 2011 23:10

OWNED

Reply

TheTrainKid | 20

#6251705 - Saturday 4 April 2015 1:06

you're*

By stupiddumbblonde | 0

#652185 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 13:16

lmao

By perdix | 29

#652220 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 14:03

It's good to know that if you go over to your girlfriend's apartment, and she's not there, there's a pretty good look-alike who can sub in in a pinch.

When your rubbing Velcro, does it really matter whose face is way over there? Or who is operating the strap-on?

Reply

Lonely_Lez | 0

#652498 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 18:28

Objectively, I should be offended, but I'm very, very amused. :)

Reply

perdix | 29

#652606 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 19:59

Oh, Lonely_Lez, you know I love you. I just chose to wear the dickhead/jackass hat for this one. ;)

By misspeg | 0

#652221 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 14:05

win!

By mrzero | 0

#652228 - Tuesday 3 November 2009 14:16

so buy one and get the second one for free