Today, I told my parents that I have a boyfriend. I was answering...

By busted - 22/9/2012 21:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I told my parents that I have a boyfriend. I was answering their questions about him, when my dad cut me off mid-sentence. He accused me of lying through my teeth, and said I'd based him off a character from a Harrison Ford movie. FML

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Love

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Caught red-handed

Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

By Anonymous - 11/7/2015 01:23 - Canada - Surrey

Today, my wife was in seemingly never-ending labor. It got so bad, I overheard a nurse in the doorway mutter to a coworker that she hoped my baby would just die or something, so she could finally go take a smoke break. FML

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By Cantgetno - 20/9/2011 07:45 - United States

Today, I realized my tampon goes deeper than my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/9/2010 04:47 - United States

Today, I woke up very excited because I was going on my first date with this guy I really liked. I dressed very nicely and went to where we were supposed to meet. I waited for about 2 hours. I called him to ask him where he was. He got angry because he was still sleeping and I woke him up. FML

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By dab1230 - 7/2/2013 00:26 - United States - Binghamton

Today, I asked my mother if I could have my boyfriend sleep over for Valentine's day weekend. Her response? "If you're on your period he can. Unless he's into that. Then no." FML

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By musicteacher - 12/3/2015 10:23 - United States - Bethania

Today, I've managed to go my whole nine-year teaching career without anyone vomiting in my classroom. That record was broken today when someone vomited four successive times in front of a class of 46 students. It was me. FML

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By birthdayboy - 19/6/2019 16:22

Today, it was my birthday. My only birthday present was a cake that my dad bought from Walmart. Well, it sure looked tasty. The only problem: it had nuts on it. Guess what I'm highly allergic too? At least my dad told me he'd "tell me how it tastes." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/3/2013 14:23 - Taiwan - Taipei

Today, while on a crowded public bus, a cute girl asked if she could sit next to me. Problem is, I didn't hear correctly and thought she asked if anyone was sitting next to me. I answered no, causing her to walk off angrily and earning me several disgusted stares from other passengers. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/7/2012 05:55 - United States

Today, I was finally leaving my hometown to live in my dream city. Everything was packed, keys were handed in, goodbyes were made. The moment my truck began pulling out to get underway, the guy I had gotten a room from in my new city called to inform me that he decided to rent to someone else. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2009 22:58 - United States

Today, while on my daily jog, I passed a very attractive girl. While passing her, she yelled "hey cutie". Trying to look cool, I tried turning around without stopping. I then fell off the curb and severely sprained my ankle. She caught up to help but was laughing the entire time. FML

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By Enanimus - 25/9/2015 18:45 - United States - Mountain View

Today, I found out I'm allergic to my wife's new medicated handcream after I came down with a nasty, itchy rash on my chest, stomach, cock, and balls. FML

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By Falling off the wagon - 9/11/2013 13:20 - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my uncle gave me a very expensive bottle of champagne at a celebratory family event. We were celebrating me spending 1 year sober. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2016 00:30 - Germany - Titisee-neustadt

Today, I'm the only grandchild who regularly visits, calls and runs errands for my grandparents, even though I live two hours away. I'm also their biggest disappointment because I'm not married. FML

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By Caroline1812 - 24/4/2015 23:58 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, while getting ice cream with a friend, her car got broken into. Nothing was taken except my backpack, which contained assignments making up 50% or more for grades in four separate classes. FML

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By Gabi - 9/1/2010 18:00 - United Kingdom

Today, I spent about half an hour trying to decide whether to buy a top, because even though it was lovely, it was really expensive. Eventually, after deciding to buy it because I could always return it if I changed my mind, I got home and realised I'd left it on the bus. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2015 19:05 - United States - Rogers

Today, I asked a guy out. He told me no. Well, his exact words were "I would never go out with a whale, sorry." Then he went on to make whale noises. FML

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By - 21/2/2019 20:00

Today, I wasn't sure whether it was past the time when they stopped giving out parking tickets. I checked the meters on either side of my car, and both were expired, so I figured I was good. I came back out to all three of us having tickets. FML

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By - 2/1/2020 18:00

Hard to believe

Today, I tried to have sex with my boyfriend three times, but every time he insisted that he wasn't in the mood. I left to get food and when I came home he was masturbating. FML

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By happybirthday - 12/8/2012 05:49 - United States - Wrentham

Today, I found the perfect opportunity to throw my husband a surprise party since he thought I was away on a business trip. He came home with a hooker. Surprise! FML

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By Anonymous - 20/2/2019 04:00

Today, I was driving my dad, who recently turned 50, to the store and had to listen to him go on and on that he’s having to accept that, as my siblings and I get older and are more independent, he’s having to transition from "sex god to just a dad." I don't know either. FML

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By the attention seeker - 17/4/2013 21:57 - United States - North Miami Beach

Today my mother met my in-laws for the first time. She had been an alcoholic and had us sent to foster care 15 years ago. My husband told his parents this behind my back a while ago. When they asked her about it, she denied everything. His entire family now thinks I lie for attention. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2016 04:36 - United States - Bloomfield

Today, I walked in on my brother trying to stick his knob into a cola bottle. FML

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By HttpsHaileyy - 15/6/2015 20:02 - United States

Today, I insulted my younger sister's hamster. She then smashed me with a stool. FML

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By AnnaNick - 14/2/2010 02:19 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend and I were out shopping. As he was trying on shirts, I told him that the particular shirt he was wearing looked ugly. He turned around, sighed, and said "You think? Well, your face is ugly, but you don't see me complaining about it." He was serious. FML

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By computerguy - 22/1/2011 01:15 - Canada

Today, I took the motherboard out of my computer so I could put more RAM and a new video card in. While I was in the bathroom my mom threw it all out because it 'looked like garbage'. FML

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By ollie179 - 15/8/2011 19:14 - United Kingdom

Today, my 3 year old son's tricycle was stolen. I looked up the street and saw a neighbour's kid riding it. I marched up, gently lifted him off it, gave him a stern lecture about stealing and brought the tricycle back home. The cops then showed up. Apparently, the kid has an identical tricycle. FML

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By pritch44 - 17/6/2010 16:12 - United States

Today, I found out that we have six skunks under my shed. While I was mowing the lawn, they all came out and sprayed me. FML

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By teflon_hammer - 25/5/2016 23:19 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I was taking a shower, facing away from the faucet, when I dropped the soap. When I bent over to pick up the soap, my sister flushed a toilet in the next room, causing hot water to scorch my anus. I got made my shower's bitch, FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2009 08:52 - Australia

Today, I called my mom from Australia. I have been abroad for two months and hadn't talked to her in a long time. A few minutes into the conversation my moms stops me and says this call must cost a fortune and hangs up on me. A few bucks in more important to her then me. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/5/2019 20:00

Today, I went into work with the mentality that all of my ass-busting work was going to result in me finally being promoted to manager. We had a site meeting. The entire building is being laid off because Apple cut our contract. Yay, I'm out of a job. I hate Apple. FML

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By Noname - 4/2/2009 11:23 - Canada

Today, I was singing to my cat and she reached up and put her paw over my mouth. FML

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By living in the ugly treehouse - 14/2/2016 11:23 - Australia

Today, while taking the bus home, a girl stared at me for a while before asking me if I'd ever heard of makeup. FML

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By - 19/1/2020 18:00

Romantic gesture

Today, I learned that a spontaneous romantic gesture of arriving home early with flowers and wine is not welcome when your wife is busy having sex with your brother. FML

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By Sadman - 23/4/2011 08:37 - Canada

Today, my mother and girlfriend were joking around and talking about the embarrassing things I've done. After they'd had a lengthly conversation, my girlfriend mentions "And he always farts during sex." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/2/2015 18:32 - United Kingdom - Wallasey

Today, my sister tried to convince me to go to a plastic surgeon, because "Bitchface Syndrome's no joke." FML

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By unemployedaussie - 23/6/2016 12:35 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was fired because my boss found out I had been looking for a new job. Then, I got a call from my only job prospect, saying I was overqualified and too young to work there as a waitress. FML

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By CelibateHero - 5/10/2013 06:31 - United States - Notre Dame

Today, as I was walking home, a car drove through a puddle and splashed me like in a cheesy movie. As if that wasn't annoying enough, the driver had to pull over because she was laughing too hard. FML

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By Sandra - 18/2/2009 14:15 - Ireland

Today, I got talking to a really hot guy at a party. He told me that he was only here because he heard the host would sleep with anyone, and he and his buddies had a bet going. It was my party. FML

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By Disappointed Mom - 31/7/2016 20:31 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was supposed to be enjoying a long-anticipated, desperately needed, weekend away. Turns out those "little stomach twinges" were actually symptoms of appendicitis. I'm stuck in the hospital, alone, recovering from surgery, while my family is enjoying our non-refundable break. FML

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By Megz - 2/1/2013 17:38 - United States - Cedar Rapids

Today, my roommate of a year and good friend of several more decided to move out. When I came home from a long work shift, I found all the cupboards emptied out of everything, including all the new stuff I bought to replace what she was going to take with her. FML

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By Weirdo - 30/12/2013 18:39 - United States

Today, I went to church for the first time in my life. They had a Jesus statue at the altar, and I noticed he was surprisingly muscular. Ten minutes later, I had to excuse myself, after I caught myself fantasizing over a crucified Jesus. FML

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Top comments

By Madame_Javert | 4

#4961893 - Sunday 23 September 2012 2:26

Well did you?

By doctorhook86 | 24

#4961911 - Sunday 23 September 2012 2:28

I see no proof that you didn't. But then again, who doesn't like Han Solo?

Comments

By Madame_Javert | 4

#4961893 - Sunday 23 September 2012 2:26

Well did you?

PlaySpades | 21

#4961904 - Sunday 23 September 2012 2:27

From her name, I'm guessing yes....

tinyj96 | 3

#4961907 - Sunday 23 September 2012 2:28

Is he chewbacca?

tennisrapper1 | 14

#4961932 - Sunday 23 September 2012 2:30

This comment will be moderated.

Codezlol | 21

#4962204 - Sunday 23 September 2012 3:21

Was it based off of the fugitive?

Death_Hoe_Inn | 10

#4962262 - Sunday 23 September 2012 3:49

That means that he'll got blamed for her death and I don't think she'd want that

0RedPenguin0 | 8

#4962273 - Sunday 23 September 2012 3:54

28- What?

CatchMe25 | 16

#4962523 - Sunday 23 September 2012 5:03

#30- if OP was referencing her boyfriend from The Fugitive, which is a Harrison Ford movie, then the boyfriend would be blamed for OP's death. To which 28 is right, OP wouldn't want that.

doctorhook86 | 24

#4962620 - Sunday 23 September 2012 5:47

25 & 43: Guys, they aren't getting it. Sometimes I think we're too old for this place.

Merylwen | 24

#4962816 - Sunday 23 September 2012 9:17

Since her username is "busted", I guess she did.

lululatenight | 28

#5361750 - Sunday 10 February 2013 5:44

He must be too good to be true :)

By doctorhook86 | 24

#4961911 - Sunday 23 September 2012 2:28

I see no proof that you didn't. But then again, who doesn't like Han Solo?

gc327072 | 29

#4962060 - Sunday 23 September 2012 2:51

Yep. Scruffy looking nerf herders get all the chicks. As I always say FBHN

Snazzy_Snaz | 17

#4962145 - Sunday 23 September 2012 3:07

Nothin better than a blaster at your side

graffitied_love | 20

#4962355 - Sunday 23 September 2012 4:13

The proof is in the username as stated by a reply to comment 1

xXwolflegionXx | 8

#4962588 - Sunday 23 September 2012 5:22

Or Indiana jones

doctorhook86 | 24

#4962619 - Sunday 23 September 2012 5:45

48: Or Indiana Jones indeed!

OhDearBetrayal | 25

#4962635 - Sunday 23 September 2012 5:59

36- OP probably put that name out of sarcasm.

ironwords | 8

#4962749 - Sunday 23 September 2012 7:26

I dunno, the president in Air Force one was a badass

laden_swallow09 | 34

#4963326 - Sunday 23 September 2012 15:14

60- Ahhh, yes.

"GET OFF MY PLANE!"

By PrettyKookieToo | 8

#4961926 - Sunday 23 September 2012 2:29

Haha, at least your boyfriend is interesting enough to qualify as a Harrison Ford character.

LO388 | 7

#4961940 - Sunday 23 September 2012 2:31

Which could be a good thing or a VERY bad thing.

TheGianaJinx | 0

#4962304 - Sunday 23 September 2012 4:01

How could anything with Harrison Ford be bad?

MURIKKA | 11

#4962307 - Sunday 23 September 2012 4:02

31- You've obviously never seen Mosquito Coast.

TheGianaJinx | 0

#4962330 - Sunday 23 September 2012 4:08

Oh... Yeah that. Never mind?

Iniezian | 18

#4962533 - Sunday 23 September 2012 5:08

Take a look at OP's name. Apparently, her dad was right

TheGianaJinx | 0

#4962821 - Sunday 23 September 2012 9:34

I didn't even look at OP's name. This changes my perspective on everything, OP is psycho.

PrettyKookieToo | 8

#4962948 - Sunday 23 September 2012 11:29

44 - Oh god, I didn't notice the name... Well, this changes things.

By Welshite | 39

#4961930 - Sunday 23 September 2012 2:30

Was it Short Round?

jmelsha11 | 11

#4962674 - Sunday 23 September 2012 6:29

Docta Jones!

grahambertus | 11

#4963888 - Sunday 23 September 2012 18:20

No it was chewbacca

By greenie213 | 23

#4961935 - Sunday 23 September 2012 2:30

You had to have been lying. No one is as awesome as Harrison Ford.

buck33 | 14

#4962815 - Sunday 23 September 2012 9:13

Morgan Freeman

laden_swallow09 | 34

#4962930 - Sunday 23 September 2012 11:16

Liam Neeson? Clint Eastwood? CHUCK FREAKING NORRIS?? Come ON!

cattisanerd | 9

#6335434 - Monday 29 June 2015 11:11

But Harrison Ford is an asshole

By CheeseTron | 15

#4961936 - Sunday 23 September 2012 2:30

Your boyfriend must be pretty badass then.

By Rainbowjumper0 | 12

#4961955 - Sunday 23 September 2012 2:33

I think OP's username says it all

mbusey | 20

#4961972 - Sunday 23 September 2012 2:35

I'm so glad I'm not the only one who noticed that

By Iknowsomestuff | 9

#4961964 - Sunday 23 September 2012 2:34

He figured you out around the time your boyfriend escaped from the Temple of Doom?

eternal7 | 6

#4962067 - Sunday 23 September 2012 2:52

Or when she said he'll be picking her up in his Millennium Falcon tonight.

Mister_Triangle | 21

#4963064 - Sunday 23 September 2012 13:11

"He would have been here to meet you, but his plane was hijacked by terrorists. Also, he's the president."

By Hiimhaileypotter | 49

#4961966 - Sunday 23 September 2012 2:34

Well, if you made up a boyfriend based off of Harrison Ford...at least you've got good taste, right?

By Epikouros | 31

#4961991 - Sunday 23 September 2012 2:38

Like Yoda looks your boyfriend?

StitchnLilo | 24

#4962211 - Sunday 23 September 2012 3:24

Like yoda your boyfriend looks

Epikouros | 31

#4964213 - Sunday 23 September 2012 19:49

Damn, if my D&D guild hears this, they're going to revoke my nerd card.