Today, I told my mom about how my friend is going to China for... - FML

By unwanted - 11/8/2009 20:31 - Canada

Today, I told my mom about how my friend is going to China for a year instead of college. My mom suggested that I could do the same. When I told her that a trip to China is probably more expensive than my college tuition, my mom replied, "Not for a one way ticket". FML

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Goodbye Bill

Assumptions

Fairytale ending

By ImNotFat - 7/8/2013 06:04 - United States - Havertown

Today, I was video chatting with my boyfriend and his friends. When I stood up, he told his friend "See, she's not a twig!" I jokingly replied with, "So I'm fat?" After a few seconds of silence, his friend yelled, "It's a trap!" and left the chat. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2016 16:45

Today, I found out my dog is allergic to all forms of animal. His new vegetarian food is $90 a bag, and he refuses to eat it. FML

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By A.L.Woody - 11/8/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I was approached by the head cheerleader, and she asked for my number. I was so excited that I gave it to her without question. Then she smiled, and walked away. Too bad my girlfriend was right behind me when it happened. FML

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By lalalohan - 17/4/2009 15:19 - United States

Today, I was at a ballet recital with my friend, sitting between her and the mother of the head male ballerina. When he came on stage in obscenely tight white tights I whispered to my friend, "You can see his whole freaking package!" I'd whispered to the wrong side. FML

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By "syd_the_kidd_9707" - 25/2/2019 00:00

Today, I went in my car to a very important job interview. I was out of gas, so I had to get some on the way. When i was done pumping, I went to get back in and the door handle broke off on the driver's side. Then I blew a tire on a piece of metal. Needless to say, I lost my chance. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2011 11:38 - Australia

Today, my mum is convinced I'm a hoarder. While I was out of the house, she went through my room and threw out stuff I "don't need." This included $500 worth of textbooks, a flash drive with crucial work on it, and my phone charger. FML

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By fartje - 25/1/2015 18:21 - Netherlands

Today, I had a job interview. The interviewer blatantly farted as I sat down, then she sneered, "Making yourself comfortable, I see..." FML

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By Ignored - 11/4/2011 09:39 - United Kingdom

Today, my phone wasn't working properly. After sending out 40 texts and getting no replies, I decided to test my phone by sending it a text from my old phone. The text came through straight away. Turns out my phone's working perfectly and 40 people are just ignoring me. FML

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By me:( - 16/7/2013 23:44 - United States - Romulus

Today, I went to the grocery store with my husband, only to find that his ex-wife worked there. Then I found out he never actually divorced her. FML

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By asianjoe - 11/7/2011 01:13 - United States

Today, at work, I told a lady checking out to sign her name after sliding her credit card. After she started signing her name, she threw the pen down in frustration saying that the pen was out of ink. We use electronic pin pads. FML

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By scaredscreenless - 16/8/2011 19:27 - United States

Today, I was on my back patio talking with my husband. It got dark outside, and I saw something shuffling in the back yard. I freaked out so bad that I went to run inside, only to fly face-first into the screen door. Turns out the shuffling was from a baby rabbit. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2014 17:03 - United States - Portland

Today, I saw someone purposely drive into someone's garbage can with their car. Trying to be nice, I stopped and started to pick it up. As I did, the owner came out of his house and chased me away with a knife. FML

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By peniswoman - 14/7/2013 17:03 - United Kingdom - Paisley

Today, my naked boyfriend walked up to me with my towel around his neck and with a hard-on, then declared he was "The Penis Man" and slapped me with his junk. I thought I was dating a man, not a man-child. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2013 16:04 - Canada - Richmond

Today, I witnessed my boyfriend taking a dump in the litter box. He said he wanted to know what it felt like for the cat. FML

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By c-mack - 8/9/2009 00:52 - United States

Today, I got jumped by five dudes who took my phone. On it I had naked pictures of myself. An hour later they sent the pictures to all of my contacts. FML

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By ohcrap - 8/11/2012 01:41 - United States

Today, while I was sitting on the toilet, my toddler swung the door open. We just bought the house, and we have no curtains. Our new neighbor, who I haven't met, was mowing her yard. I stood half-naked to close the door, and our eyes met. I froze. She waved. FML

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By annabellatrix - 14/9/2015 18:20 - Hungary

Today, a pervert was visibly playing with himself right next to me on the train. Then on the bus. Then on the other bus I changed to in order to lose him. At least somebody's interested. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/7/2011 23:38 - United States

Today, my family attended the funeral of an old family friend's baby, who died in childbirth. Afterwards, my husband went around snickering and quietly telling dead baby jokes to the other attendees. FML

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By GildedByVices - 24/12/2016 08:12 - Australia

Today, on Xmas Eve, my eight-year-old and ten-year-old children and I sat down to watch 'Mr. Stink', an Xmas film about a scruffy, stinky tramp. When he first appeared on screen my children both exclaimed in unison, "He looks like you, dad!" FML

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By Rose - 15/6/2012 05:54 - United States - Tenino

Today, I was at the mall with my friend. A lady came up to us and told my friend that she could be a model. Then the lady looked at me and said, "Oh... Nice shoes." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/5/2015 05:37 - Australia - Brisbane

Bad women's anatomy

Today, I had to explain to my boyfriend that me switching to "super" sized tampons does not mean I've been having sex with other men with bigger penises, and that my vagina hasn't been "stretched bigger". FML

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By hobo - 17/5/2015 17:47 - Canada - Chilliwack

Today, I woke up to "we're leaving". I'm now homeless because my Dad and his girlfriend got into an argument over toilet paper. FML

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By klifestyle2012 - 12/11/2017 19:00

Classy.

Today, I came home to find my brother making out with my girlfriend while taking a selfie. FML

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By Madmanmorton - 16/6/2011 18:34 - United States

Today, after a long night of drinking and partying, I woke up in my bed next to a beast of a woman. At least I know I made it home safely. FML

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By tooembarassed - 3/2/2012 20:47 - United States

Today, I got a date for Valentine's Day. The date is with my orthodontist; he's going to tighten my braces. FML

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By omgomgomg - 27/10/2011 21:41 - United Kingdom

Today, I was in a rush and had to get changed in a train restroom. While changing, I leaned against the button that opened the door. Not only do train toilet doors open and close very slowly, leaving you half naked for a few seconds, but everyone in the carriage opposite can see clearly. FML

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By fmlguy - 10/12/2010 03:19

Today, I've been considering breaking up with my girlfriend so I don't have to buy her a Christmas present. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/2/2012 02:24 - United States

Today, I was working as a paramedic when my patient's colostomy bag exploded all over me. I was covered in fecal matter, with 5 hours left on my shift. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 18:46 - United States

Today, my baby-crazy mother expressed her concerns that I haven't conceived after a whole two months of marriage. Her advice amounted to "get divorced while you're still hot, sleep around until you get pregnant, then marry the winner." When I complained to my father, he supported her. FML

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By dpod121 - 4/3/2010 19:41 - United States

Today, I got a call from my optometrist. I ignored the call, because I already knew I had my appointment tomorrow. When I listened to my messages later, I found out it was from his secretary, saying all of his appointments have been canceled due to him passing away last night. FML

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By Remy - 16/11/2013 23:39 - United States - Portland

Today, I was offered a job that pays far more than I expected, being a high school senior. My parents decided they aren't letting me take the job, saying I should enjoy my childhood. They're also not paying for my college, which is why I was looking for work in the first place. FML

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By DeeGirlMon - 3/8/2012 05:24 - Canada - Calgary

Today, the coworker I've had a crush on for the past few months asked me if I was busy Friday night. I was so excited, I immediately replied, "I thought you'd never ask!" He gave me a funny look and said, "Good, because I need you to take my shift." FML

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By Anon. - 2/1/2013 21:53

Today, my dog died. We planned to get her cremated and keep the ashes. My sister put forward the idea of putting the ashes in our food so our dog can be "inside of us, always." She's completely serious. I'm scared to eat food from her now. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2015 02:42 - United States

Today, my psycho ex girlfriend got up in my face after I dumped her. She said I'm going to pay and that one day, when I think I'm safe and happy, my joy will turn to ash in my mouth. When I pointed out she'd just ripped off a Game of Thrones quote, she kneed me in the balls. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2020 17:01

Peaky Bladders

Today, I woke up at my girlfriend's house, dying to pee during a thunderstorm. Ran to the bathroom, but it was occupied. A huge thunderclap scared me pretty bad. When the door finally opened, my girlfriend's mom walked out, laughing. I realized the thunder scared me into peeing my pants. FML

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By j3r3zana16 - 31/10/2011 08:30 - Canada

Today, while parking, I accidentally hit my landlord's daughter's brand new car. I made a huge dent in the side door. I thought nobody was home, so I quickly went to my room. Turns out they were having a barbecue outside and saw the whole thing. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2013 20:54 - United States - Woodbridge

Today, I attended a cooking class with my co-workers. As the chef prepared to cut up a load of onions for his dish, he warned us to be ready for the "typical reactions". Everyone teared up. Meanwhile, I popped a boner. So much for typical. FML

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By no low five - 30/11/2011 11:17 - United States

Today, my fiancé insists that instead of kissing at the crucial moment of our wedding ceremony, we should give each other a high five. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2017 00:30

Stoner Logic

Today, I've been sleeping with my drug dealer from high school who I still buy pot from for the past week. He made me go down on him a few days ago and he smelled funny but I didn't say anything. Today, he told me he only showers 2-3 times a month and he thinks he's a genius for it. FML

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By fuck - 18/3/2015 17:40 - Netherlands

Today, I went to the store to buy some condoms. I couldn't find them anywhere, so I nervously asked a staff member for help. She scowled, pointed at the shelf directly behind me, and told me to "Get a life. Or better pickup lines." I'll never live down the snickers from the other customers. FML

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Top comments

By 2cool4you | 0

#478328 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 1:14

thats something mine would say

By mosarmini | 0

#478346 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 1:17

Well take a hint xD

COMMENTS

By 2cool4you | 0

#478328 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 1:14

thats something mine would say

Reply

rob8625 | 0

#478391 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 1:33

Ya your mom doesn't love you

Reply

yamba_fml | 0

#478460 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 2:03

YDI for not killing her at birth

Reply

StingMunFizzy | 0

#478469 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 2:07

Bs.. It was a joke.. :l YDI for being such an uptight person..

Reply

Dahlia_F | 0

#478805 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 4:31

even if it wasn't a joke, why would she pay for you to go to china round trip? she would be expecting you to work and buy a ticket home. duh. i agree with #25 YDI for being an uptight and whiny person.

Reply

sublime93 | 0

#478806 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 4:32

...Yes, fuck your life because you can't take a fucking joke.
*sigh*
This site's only good for the comments now.

Reply

Dahlia_F | 0

#478809 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 4:32

also agreed.

Reply

americayay | 0

#478811 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 4:33

I think you're looking for www.mylifeisaverage.com.

Reply

heavenandhell | 0

#478833 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 4:43

its because your gay

Reply

billchilled | 0

#478836 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 4:44

Lol yeah. xD

Reply

kewlcat | 0

#478965 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 5:41

yeah but MLIA is like 10x funnier than FML and this isnt funny at all...

Reply

smartwater | 0

#479202 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 8:10

not that bad, ull be there for a year so why would she buy u a 2 way ticket if you would be there for a year...think about it

Reply

argumentum | 0

#725511 - Friday 18 December 2009 9:44

blah blah blah

Reply

ryguy997 | 0

#974294 - Monday 5 April 2010 7:15

75 has made a good observation. true, how true.

Reply

th3buhs | 0

#2573645 - Friday 27 May 2011 14:48

what

Reply

doyougiveacrap | 0

#2703152 - Friday 17 June 2011 18:49

china is not that bad go to yichang dragon bar

By ILoveAsianGirls | 0

#478331 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 1:14

YDI, for being a bad kid

Reply

slasher29 | 0

#478770 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 4:17

#2 or fml for having a bad mom (though she may have been joking)

anyway, why would you go to china? that's were all the pollution and smog are and lead-based toys are made. japan makes all our cameras and cars and phones. they are so much cooler

Reply

slasher29 | 0

#478778 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 4:19

oops i meant fyl

Reply

pimaximus | 0

#478816 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 4:35

I agree. YDI for being a failure.

Reply

plasticbag88 | 0

#478846 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 4:49

Rofl? How do you know that he/she is a bad child/failure? The post has no evidence of it.
Jumping-to-conclusion-trolls.

Reply

Shots_HK | 0

#478948 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 5:36

Your cars are made in the USA, and the cameras and phones that you buy are made in China.

Reply

marionette_fml | 0

#479799 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 15:16

you are an ignorant tool. obviously someone's been brainwashed by hypocritical western media.

By Nightfallz | 0

#478339 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 1:15

LOL your mom is awesome

Reply

Ox_Baker | 0

#478535 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 2:38

Exactly. This isn't an FML. She just said a joke.

Reply

flopears115 | 0

#478711 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 3:51

yeah i agree. i was reading through the comments and i was like "wow...it was a joke..."
no parent would seriously say that....hahaaa
but i agree, i love your mom's sense of humor, it reminds me of my best friend's mom!

By mosarmini | 0

#478346 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 1:17

Well take a hint xD

By LebChickOnFira | 0

#478350 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 1:19

have fun in china lol

By monkey_boy984 | 0

#478357 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 1:21

FIRST!!!!!!

Reply

Suekoff16 | 3

#478962 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 5:40

That may work

Reply

videokid2000 | 10

#4650393 - Wednesday 4 July 2012 21:59

-looks at time you posted- -looks at time first posted-
FAIL!!!!!!

Reply

videokid2000 | 10

#4650396 - Wednesday 4 July 2012 21:59

-looks at time you posted- -looks at time first posted-
FAIL!!!!!!

By iloveespresso | 0

#478358 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 1:22

it depends on how she was saying it.
but you could get a one way ticket there
and when youre there and ready to go back, you can buy another one way like once u had a job in china.

By ehmagawd | 0

#478361 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 1:23

lol I was going on a one month trip to France and my dad kept begging me to stay longer. He was just joking though, don't worry I'm sure your mom is joking too :)

By teh_bear | 0

#478373 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 1:26

you must have been adopted

By jadiyy | 3

#478385 - Wednesday 12 August 2009 1:31

HAHAHAHAHAHAH this is funny. I'm sure she loves you. She'll call! ..maybe. JK. OMFG i have no idea what I'm saying. Suggest you go to France! That's way cooler.