Intimacy: Today, I told my husband that I'm tired of feeling like his "blow-up... - FML

By Anonymous - 08/09/2012 14:20 - United States - Rhodes

Spicy

Today, I told my husband that I'm tired of feeling like his "blow-up doll". His response was to honk my boob and make squeaking noises. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 223

You deserved it 5 678

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Stop talking!

Great parenting, dude

By Jasmine_smilee - 02/09/2013 06:47 - United States - Canby

Today, I had to finally accept that I have an eating disorder when I caught myself checking for the nutrition facts and calories on my shampoo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 079

You deserved it 8 890

By Anonymous - 08/02/2011 16:27 - United States

Today, I was attacked by clowns at work. I don't work at the circus. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 915

You deserved it 3 732

By Anonymous - 01/05/2015 20:41 - United Kingdom - Oundle

Today, in the middle of the supermarket, my 7 year old son asked me what a cocksucker is and why his mum always calls me that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 307

You deserved it 3 632

By Anonymous - 28/05/2009 16:52 - United States

Today, I was taking calls at the helpdesk I work at. The caller was a man, and while helping him with his issue he suddenly stopped to tell me I had a nice soothing voice. Then he told me to say something else. As I continued to help him, he started making moaning noises. I'm a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 218

You deserved it 3 512

By HannahBretts - 24/08/2013 05:28 - United States - Turlock

Today, I'm watching a TV show about horrible germs in hotel rooms that you can catch from a bed... while I am stuck in a hotel room... on the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 292

You deserved it 7 967

By badwife - 07/11/2009 10:22 - Japan

Spicy

Today, my husband left his cell phone at home. I looked through his contacts and found a person named "The Bitch." Being a very curious person, I decided to call "The Bitch" to see who it was. My phone rang. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 279

You deserved it 17 297

By Anonymous - 18/01/2014 22:55 - United States - Somerset

Spicy

Today, while I was fooling around with my girlfriend, she hurt her hand. It obviously wasn't very serious, so I told her to stop faking it. She responded, "Wanna know what I actually fake? My orgasms." FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 598

You deserved it 64 264

By NotGay - 16/06/2012 05:45 - United States - Lake Zurich

Today, I decided to motivate myself to workout by looking at a picture of a guy with a six-pack on my computer screen while doing abs. My dad walked in after I finished and was still breathing heavily from working out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 081

You deserved it 7 587

By BagelShmear - 07/10/2010 01:15 - United States

Today, while working the cash register at my job, a little kid was running around with products while his mom was checking out. She told him she was going to give me his PSP if he didn't stop. He responded by throwing a bag of coffee beans at my face. I didn't even get to keep his PSP. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 073

You deserved it 4 248

By kutekittykatz - 10/07/2013 08:58 - South Africa - Johannesburg

Today, while ironing some shirts, my cat decided to hop up and investigate. To prevent him from burning himself, I instinctively moved the iron away and placed it flat on my other hand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 201

You deserved it 14 561

Hangry

By Broke as hell - 07/04/2020 23:00

Today, after being robbed last week, I had no money to go to the store for food. Instead, my dinner consisted of two Tums chewables in tropical fruit flavors. After not eating all day, I thought they actually tasted pretty good. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 945

You deserved it 138

May to December

By why ma? - 25/03/2020 08:02

Today, I invited my elderly mother to come stay with my husband and I during this outbreak, just until everything calms down. She declined because we said she couldn’t bring her boyfriend. Her boyfriend is a 34 year-old leech who's been living off her for over a year. She refuses to change her mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 559

You deserved it 188

By justagirl - 02/12/2014 05:40 - United States - Roseville

Spicy

Today, while in bed with my boyfriend of 2 years, he mentioned what it would be like if he had sex with anyone other than me. I mentioned the same about him. He quickly yelled, "No, you're a woman. You are mine!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 789

You deserved it 5 857

By irony - 25/02/2016 15:08 - United States - Louisville

Today, I have to attend a mandatory parenting class due to a false report filed against me with CPS. My son's school play is at the same time as today's class, and I'll have to miss it so I can learn how to be a "better mom". FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 672

You deserved it 1 775

By Anonymous - 27/10/2012 07:20 - United States

Today, I found out that my daughter has a hit list. There are over thirty names on there. My name is on it as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 276

You deserved it 3 828

Let's do this again!

By wow - 27/11/2019 05:00 - United States - Portland

Today, for the first time in months, my best friend agreed to hang out with me. After waiting, three hours for him to show up, I called to see what was taking him so long. He told me he couldn't come because he needed to get a haircut. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 894

You deserved it 188

By Ashleigh - 22/04/2011 18:43 - United States

Today, I was on a three hour flight to Los Angeles for a corporate meeting. The woman next to me instantly fell asleep and snored louder than a freight train, while the kid behind me made a hobby of thashing my seat from behind. When I peered over and asked him to stop, he spat in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 661

You deserved it 3 472

Out of the frying pan…

By Anonymous - 03/03/2020 18:01 - United States - Springfield

Today, it's been 2 days since I got over having the flu for over a week, missing work the whole time. I just got food poisoning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 492

You deserved it 136

Family extension

By now what - 26/07/2020 05:01

Today, I ran into a friend that I hadn't seen in about 5 years. She had her 4-year-old son with her. I couldn’t help but notice her son looked almost identical to mine. He even had a very distinct facial feature that my husband has as well. What are the odds all three of them have the same defect? FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 682

You deserved it 180

By wtfmom - 07/10/2014 21:10 - United States - Clanton

Today, I told my mom that I got into National Honor Society and Beta Club. Most parents are proud but not her. She told me to get a job and that she was tired of my school shit. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 313

You deserved it 2 862

By Firepussy911 - 14/06/2018 06:22

Spicy

Today, my husband decided to literally spice things up. He put a "small amount" of hot-sauce in our lubricant without telling me. He thought 1,000,000 Scoville units would make me cum. The only one who came was the paramedic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 723

You deserved it 490

Who'd want that?

By ... - 14/04/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, I found out that a burglar broke into my house. Since I didn't have expensive stuff for them to steal, they took my Fleshlight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 991

You deserved it 179

By waterspike - 29/01/2010 13:18 - France

Today, after finally getting a date with the girl I like, she invited her new boyfriend along as well. I ended up paying for their first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 727

You deserved it 9 931

By Anonymous - 22/06/2013 07:31 - United States - Piedmont

Today, my girlfriend told me that she feels pregnant. I didn't believe her, given how recently we had sex for the first time, so I told her to take a test to make sure. She's very sure now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 782

You deserved it 51 196

By damnedbydurberg - 22/11/2011 00:35 - United States

Today, after years of torment and relentless harassment, I finally built up the courage to stand up to a bully. I got a detention for swearing at him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 760

You deserved it 3 366

By historyfreak_17 - 17/06/2012 07:11 - United States - Dearborn Heights

Today, I went bra shopping with my mother. She insisted that I try on a bunch of push-up bras, and I told her I didn't want to, because it's false advertising. She looked at me and said that I need all the help I can get. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 734

You deserved it 4 687

By doomed - 21/04/2011 02:45 - United States

Today, I got a letter from my mother-in-law stating that demons made her spread rumors about me all over my hometown before my wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 937

You deserved it 2 499

By Anonymous - 10/05/2014 22:11 - Sweden - Lidk?ping

Today, my boyfriend surprised me by coming home early. He walked in on me sitting on the toilet, singing full volume to my cat as I took a crap. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 329

You deserved it 13 669

By nomorexbox - 26/04/2011 19:20 - United States

Today, I actually heard my 14 year old son muse to himself, "If I can drive drunk in Grand Theft Auto, how hard could it be in real life?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 966

You deserved it 13 429

By tony - 24/07/2009 07:04 - United States

Today, I discovered my 18 year old son has been peeing on the carpet when he is too lazy to get out of bed in the morning and blaming it on the cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 403

You deserved it 7 644

By Anonymous - 28/04/2009 20:47 - Canada

Today, my kids told me that for the FIRST time, my cooking was delicious. I made Kraft dinner that night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 154

You deserved it 8 389

By ??? - 26/01/2017 04:00

Today, I finally had the guts to tell my mom about her boyfriend hitting on me. Not only did she not care, but she got mad at me. I'm 15. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 681

You deserved it 469

By livinproof - 10/12/2018 13:30

Today, not only did my horse step on my foot & refuse to move, he also took the opportunity to crap on my other foot while I was incapable of moving. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 537

You deserved it 304

Out it comes

By emilyupsidedown - 16/01/2010 05:08 - United States

Today, I got a popcorn kernel stuck in my throat. It was quite irritating so thought I could get it out with my finger. Good thing, the kernel is gone. Bad thing, I now have the rest of my lunch on my shirt as well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 014

You deserved it 31 712

By ANNIEDBD - 23/03/2012 09:44 - Ireland - Dublin

Today, a client shouted at me over something that had nothing to do with me. She put such effort into shouting that she farted in my office. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 964

You deserved it 2 116

By my first job - 06/04/2016 20:02 - Canada - Westerose

Today, after working for 12 hours in the cold rain on muddy terrain, my coordinator drove down a hill and didn't come back. I was stuck in the middle of nowhere, forced to walk two hours uphill back to HQ to find him there. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 100

You deserved it 1 155

By Teacher - 16/12/2015 09:10 - New Zealand - Rotorua

Today, I went for a soak in a mineral hot pool to relax after a stressful day teaching middle school. There were 120 middle schoolers there on a school trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 516

You deserved it 2 026

By whoopsiedoodle - 21/05/2009 12:45 - Canada

Today, we went out to dinner to a family restaurant, and I was wearing a skirt since it's so warm out. My 4 year old scooted under the table to sit next to his brother. When he popped up on the other side, he exclaimed, "Mommy! You forgot to put on your underwears!" People were staring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 600

You deserved it 64 332

By I weep for our future generation - 01/10/2017 04:30

Today, while home from college for the weekend, my sister started whining about how I keep using "big fancy college words" and making her feel bad. My sister is 27 and teaches elementary school. The word I used was "ludicrous." FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 001

You deserved it 290

Don't do favors for strangers

By Anonymous - 08/12/2020 19:58

Today, after getting a friend of a friend a job, overnight she turned into Satan, making a job I once loved a hell on earth. I should really try to get to know people before I do them a favor. FML

I agree, your life sucks 773

You deserved it 281

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Saturday 8 September 2012 20:12

Return the favor grab his junk and make squeaking noises.

perdix 29

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Saturday 8 September 2012 20:28

You should have farted after he honked your boob and said, "Oops, faulty valve."

Comments

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Saturday 8 September 2012 20:10

BAHAHA!!

BeforeItWasCool 12

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Saturday 8 September 2012 20:18

I'd suggest relationship counselling. It seems quite an insensitive response to an issue like that. Maybe that's just me over reacting, but I feel respect is important in any relationship. This guy seems like a douche, FYL OP.

GoodLookingGeese 10

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Saturday 8 September 2012 20:20

Neeh - it's normal with us doing jokes in serious situations. Be happy he didn't make a scene or start crying perhaps :)))

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Saturday 8 September 2012 20:28

9- I thought you were talking to #1 at first and I was like "You sure are over reacting!" and then I read the last sentence :L

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Saturday 8 September 2012 21:11

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.

ClassicDisney23 10

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Saturday 8 September 2012 21:16

41- It's called "respect." If there isn't any of it left then we really should be asking what our world has come to.

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Saturday 8 September 2012 21:43

Lawls79 - No. You don't just do that. It isn't a joke, and it shows a complete lack of respect. I joke around with my wife all the time, but I'm NEVER disrespectful. If she voices a concern, we talk about it. I don't cop a cheap feel like an asshole.

mikeofthunder 13

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Saturday 8 September 2012 23:20

55, I agree but everyone does it so I suggest you just let them do as they wish. It's not as if FML's modern day commenter pays any attention to the consensus anyway. Besides the awesome minority!

BeforeItWasCool 12

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Sunday 9 September 2012 19:37

20- It's the solution to every minor problem! :L

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Saturday 8 September 2012 20:10

Don't worry he'll get what you mean soon.

awsetdvcshjkgss 1

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Saturday 8 September 2012 20:21

You have to cut him off

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Saturday 8 September 2012 20:12

Return the favor grab his junk and make squeaking noises.

gottalovecondoms 0

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Saturday 8 September 2012 20:49

Sounds like you've done this before...

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Saturday 8 September 2012 21:37

Why are people on this site full of revengeful ideas?

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Saturday 8 September 2012 22:29

You meant "grab his junk until HE makes squeaking noises," didn't you?

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Saturday 8 September 2012 23:44

He'd probably enjoy it

XxQueenofPuppets 10

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Sunday 9 September 2012 2:04

Your picture is perfect for your comment. =]

Krirn 21

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Saturday 8 September 2012 20:13

Now you're a rubber wifie.

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Saturday 8 September 2012 20:31

It seems like it blew up doll in OPs face. I bet she's inflated this whole situation by saying such things to her husband

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Saturday 8 September 2012 22:12

I agree, this is all so overblown.

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Saturday 8 September 2012 22:54

What a manatee. I'm not good at puns.

GoodLookingGeese 10

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Saturday 8 September 2012 20:13

Maybe try to explain your expectations bit closer.. We can't figure out what's in women's head sometimes..

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Saturday 8 September 2012 20:25

Well it seems pretty obvious to me what she meant...

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Saturday 8 September 2012 20:35

Sometimes? What an understatement!

awkward_gothlady 32

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Sunday 9 September 2012 0:25

So that's a perfect excuse to goof around? If he isn't sure what she means, he can ASK!!

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Saturday 8 September 2012 20:14

Good on you for being patient with him and trying to talk to him. Communication is probably the the most important thing in a relationship and he needs to respect what you have to say.

mpj13 8

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Saturday 8 September 2012 20:15

Sounds like your husband is full of air

MrBond007_fml 6

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Saturday 8 September 2012 20:16

Well, what are you complaining about, honking your boob sounds like foreplay to me. You really think he wastes that much time getting his blow up doll into the mood?

chocolatefrog28 29

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Saturday 8 September 2012 20:18

Sounds like you need to move around a little more during your naked fun time sessions then, if you feel like a doll. Get more proactive and do some riding rather than laying back and being stuffed.

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Saturday 8 September 2012 20:19

Honk your boob. Classic. At least he pays attention to you.

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15

You deserved it 5

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my daughter finally learned that you can’t sleep your way to success, after she tried and failed to seduce her married boss, was sacked, and blacklisted as a potential lawsuit throughout every company specialising in her chosen career field. FML

I agree, your life sucks 484

You deserved it 141

Today, I was diagnosed with a meat allergy. You can imagine the jokes my boyfriend has been thinking up since we found out I can’t "handle his meat" in my mouth anymore. FML

I agree, your life sucks 766

You deserved it 111