Health: Today, I told my dad I was gonna to start working out again....

By LukesSkyWalker - United States

Today, I told my dad I was gonna to start working out again. He looked at me with honest confusion on his face and said, "You worked out before?" My mother started laughing. She was all the way upstairs. FML

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Health

Proactive

Lockdown is driving us down

Race against the clock

By tarynfaye - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I gave each other early Christmas gifts. I gave him a basketball signed by his favorite player, which took me forever to find. He got me diet pills. FML

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By Josh - United States - Fenton

Today, some guy on the street threatened to stab me. I called his bluff, and walked away. He wasn't bluffing. FML

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36836

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By Cliché... or Touché?

FML: Uncensored

Today, my girlfriend was giving me head during the horror flick we were watching. Little did I know, my girlfriend isn't a big fan of horror films. It was during a sex scene that intensified the moment. The same sex scene from which emerged a sudden jump-scare. I now have bite marks on my penis. FML

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By grannygirlfriend - United States

Today, my boyfriend admitted the reason he was dating me was because he has a fetish for grandmothers and apparently I look, smell, and act like one. FML

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By Jenny - 5/4/2020 23:00

Three is a magic number

Today, my 15-year-old daughter told me that she's pregnant. To make matters worse, she doesn't know who the father is. She told me not to worry though, because she has it narrowed down to "like, only 3 guys." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I took my girlfriend out for dinner to a fancy Italian restaurant for our one year anniversary. After giving her some roses, freshly baked cookies, and a thoughtful poem I wrote for her, she started laughing and asked for her real gift. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom admitted that her story about my dad leaving us for his current wife was a lie. He left when he caught her with a coworker. She blocked his number and got a restraining order to keep him from telling his side of the story. I haven't talked to my dad for six years because of this. FML

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54867

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By LasagnaRawks - United Kingdom

Today, I was listening to music, talking to a boy I like on MSN. He asked if I could share the song I was listening to, so I did. It wasn't until I had shared and fully transferred it did I realise it was actually the fake radio show I record on my own, in a phoney Australian accent. All 6 minutes of it. FML

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By kristajoy2001

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. All of the sudden, he whispered in my ear, "Do you want to hear a Minecraft joke?" FML

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By tooembarassed - United States

Today, I got a date for Valentine's Day. The date is with my orthodontist; he's going to tighten my braces. FML

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By unappreciated - United States

Today, I took my best friend out to dinner for my birthday. She gave me a gift after I paid the tab saying, "my mom thought you would like this - it was expensive." It was a lovely set of origami paper, which was the exact set I brought her as a souvenir from Japan. She was right, it was expensive. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Brooklyn

Today, my 16-year-old son broke two of his fingers playing with Play-Doh. FML

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By nofunforme - United States - Candler

Today, I was having fun while home alone, until my dog heard my vibrator and tried to attack me. FML

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1805

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By pikachu - United States

Today, my girlfriend farted in her sleep, woke me up because it was so damn loud, and my room smelt like rotten noodles for about an hour. FML

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29483

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By BW - United States

Today, I woke up on the coldest morning of the year to discover that the gas fireplace has run out of propane, and there is no water because the pipes are frozen. While trying to locate the frozen pipe, I forgot to let the dog out, and she peed on the carpet. FML

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By acme - Israel

Today, I found out why it might be awkward to have your plumber and your least well-behaved dog share a name. Bad plumber. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I facebooked my friends about my upcoming birthday party, and told them to keep the date free. I got several responses telling me that's not possible, because that's the day the new Harry Potter movie comes out. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was on the bus, when an elderly woman stepped in. She looked too weak to stand. She looked at me with her sad puppy eyes, expecting me to give up my seat for her. I felt sorry and got up. As soon as she sat down, she says, "Ha! Sucker!" She didn't look so cute anymore. FML

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By lemonadedisguise - United States

Today, I was out to dinner with a friend. When the bill came with a customer satisfaction survey, I put honestly that the "server friendliness" was "below average." Ten minutes later, I had to return to the restaurant to beg the waitress for my keys, which I had left on the table. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Is this Brexit?

Today, in the same sentence, my boyfriend told me that he wanted to "spend the rest of his life with me," and "I want to break up with you because I can't face your family." FML

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1690

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By beccaj_ilh - United Kingdom

Today, while I was working in a bar, a very fat drunk guy kept flirting with me. He assumed I liked him because I kept blushing. I didn’t. It’s just been so long since anyone flirted with me that I apparently now cannot control my reactions if a man talks to me. FML

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By washed - United States

Today, I learned that my boyfriend hides valuables in the washing machine under dirty clothes when leaving town for the weekend. I learned this AFTER I'd done a load of laundry. FML

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By LoveUGuysToo - 5/8/2020 14:03

Where did everyone go?

Today, I wrote a Facebook post venting about the horrible things I've been going through lately, hoping my friends would console me. I discovered that my English teacher from 30 years ago, the creepy dude who keeps asking me out, and some random chick I don't even know are my only "friends." FML

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By letdown - 19/7/2020 14:01

Great timing

Today, I finally had sex with a coworker I’d been flirting with for nearly 2 and half years. The sex lasted less than 2 and a half minutes. FML

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1430

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By Scottie Too Hottie - United States - Pontiac

Today, I waved money at a passing ice cream truck and it kept going. So apparently I can't even get a date with a Sno Cone. FML

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10052

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By Hungryman - France

Today, I ordered a Diet Coke with my meal from a fast food restaurant. Turns out, they didn't give me diet. My blood sugar spiked and I was sick for hours later. I'm a diabetic. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2020 17:02

Everybody needs good neighbours

Today, I live on the second floor and my neighbor from below banged on my door, telling me I sounded like a giant elephant and needed to learn to be quiet. I was eating ice cream in bed. I also live alone. FML

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1429

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By Anonymous

Today, one of my employees was fired for refusing to do a basic job necessity. After the meeting with HR, he left the office and tried to go back to work. FML

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By - - United States

Today, my daughter got engaged. Her fiancé is not only 25 years older than her, but was her teacher in middle school. FML

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51932

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend met my dad for the first time. The first thing my dad said to him was "So, how low have you kissed?" FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, my mother, her fiancé, and I were having dinner together. My mother was joking that she wasn't sure she could hold him down, as he used to "get around." She turned to talk to the waiter and my future step-father looked me up and down and winked. FML

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By missingphoneproblems - United States - Warner Robins

Today, after being upset at the fact that my phone was stolen at work, I received a note on my locker saying, "100 bucks and you get the phone back." My phone is being held for ransom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I watched a grizzled, old gas station attendant with a stain on her blouse use my driver's license to pick something out of her teeth. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, stood in line for hours to see the new Harry Potter. Unfortunately, once inside the theater, I was stuck in the bathroom with the runs for the entire length of the movie. FML

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35848

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By thesixth - Kenya

Today, I got fired for being late. Apparently you're supposed to be on time after your boss specifically tells you that the office will open an hour late. FML

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19283

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, some friends and I went to Cosmic Bowling where they have a blacklight. Everyone's teeth were glowing. Mine weren't. FML

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15920

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By Gloria

Today, I got home with my 3 best friends in tow, only to find my husband fast asleep on the sofa, porn playing on his laptop, his boxers around his ankles, and a sticky white mess all down his thigh. I am so beyond mortified I can’t adequately describe how embarrassed I am. FML

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6217

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By Anonymous - United States - Mount Clemens

Today, my girlfriend freaked out, thinking she might be pregnant due to her period being late. I found myself reminding her that one actually has to have had sex recently to become pregnant. We've been living together, sexless, for over a year. FML

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58607

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By heartbroke - United States - Erie

Today, my girlfriend did the walk of shame in a skimpy Halloween costume after a night of drunken sex. Problem? The walk ended at my doorstep, and the sex was with a stranger. FML

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44381

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By Yeppets - United States

Today, I went to a comedy show with my mom, and they asked the audience members to yell out their problems as ideas for an improv skit. My mom yelled, "My daughter can't get a boyfriend!" FML

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Top comments

By clevergirl98 | 20

#6328883 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 6:39

Well now you know how good moms hearing is. All moms, not just yours. They also have eyes in the back if their heads

By Anonypus | 20

#6328870 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 6:34

Prove them wrong!

COMMENTS

By Anonypus | 20

#6328870 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 6:34

Prove them wrong!

ScarredVox92 | 16

#6328914 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 7:02

Not sure if that would help. Parents seem too savage for that.

attaboyyy11 | 11

#6329093 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 11:45

Straight savages

tantanpanda | 26

#6329210 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 15:01

I don't really think OP can really prove that she worked out before, but she sure can start.

By Dreamsorrow93 | 24

#6328871 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 6:34

Hulk smash! Then again, sorry op your life sucks.

By ohjoy15 | 33

#6328873 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 6:34

He saw an opportunity. And he took it.

seriouslyfml0415 | 4

#6328987 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 9:19

I am terribly sorry, but i have to mention this... I've been seeing you comment in a whole other fml's and your profile picture is extremely disturbing for me... Whats with the loose strap?

ohjoy15 | 33

#6329242 - Tuesday 23 June 2015 16:09

@22 Shoulders disturb you? I'm so sorry. That must be hard to live with. Especially in the 21st century. You poor thing.

Here's an easy fix though: you don't like my pictures?... don't look at them.