By Anonymous - 14/12/2013 07:24 - Canada - Milton
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I agree with #15. When I found out my wife was pregnant with our first I passed out, and we were trying to get pregnant. It's a huge change. I wasn't trying to be a jerk, it's just that the great magnitude of the change my life was about to experience overwhelmed me. 7 years later and my 2 kids are the best part of me. When he gets his crap together I'm sure he'll be fine.
@ #190, 244 Children whose mothers drank very small amounts of alcohol through out their pregnancy showed no side effects what so ever. While you should never drink to to feel even tipsy a small glass of wine (By small glass I mean a half glass.) with dinner is fine. Every doctor I've had has told me this though advised me not to since I have complications.
248 it depends on the women, there have been cases of women who had very little to drink during their pregnancy and gave birth to a child with FAS. There are also reported cases of women who continually drank while pregnant that gave birth to completely healthy children. Any doctor that recommends women to drink any form of alcohol wile pregnant needs to have their licenses revoked immediately, because no real doctor would tell a woman that a little bit of wine is good for them. All doctors recommend against ALL forms of alcohol during pregnancy.
with both of my children, I drank alcohol in the first trimester. However, it was before I found out. both doctors I have seen told me to stop drinking alcohol during pregnancy. my children are healthy with absolutely no signs of fas so it definitely just depends. I've known people who drank alcohol or pot their entire pregnancy and their child born healthy. O.o to me it just seems too much a risk to take.
That's not right .maybe when he comes back try talking to him about being a responsible father and not a dead beat dad .
Not really well-put. If he doesn't want it, he is not labelled a deadbeat until he walks out on the girl he got pregnant in the first place to take care of it on her own. A man can not want the baby, but is only a low-life if he walks out and lives his opportunity-filled life while the girl's life is ruined.
And then if she wants an abortion because she's left with the responsibility of a child she shouldn't have to raise alone, there are protesters and people call her a killer and a whore. I'm not against abortion or for it, but I feel like people should do what they want. Remember OP, if he doesn't come back, and you don't want an abortion but can't support a baby, there's always adoption
#49 so he's supposed to stay just because the girl kept it? the girl can have an abortion without the consent of a man, so the man should be allowed to abort the baby if he doesn't want it. it takes two to make a baby, not just the women. but since the man can't, what other choice does he have?
Maybe he just needed time to think and just be by himself. Could of went about it in a better way. But everyone reacts to things differently. Congratulations, OP! Pregnancy is a beautiful thing. You are a carrier of life. Don't let someone else bring your beautiful moment down.
#94 If OP's boyfriend was having sex, he should accept that pregnancy is a side effect so to speak. If he's not ready for a baby, he shouldn't have sex. So he should have thought of that before his sperm will permanently effect not only OP's life, the baby, and OP's family.
I have long said that the laws are unfair towards men who do not want children. I do not think this should apply to married people (if the baby is genetically his), because they signed up for it. However, if you are unwed, just dating, and your partner gets pregnant, I believe the man should be allowed to socially/legally abort the child within the same time period as a woman can. This just means, if they have discussed it and the woman refuses to abort the child, he can sign away his parental rights, meaning no child payments, etc. I don't think a man should have to pay for a child he does not want. Because women can have abortions without the opinion of a man (which I would not change, no forcing pregnancy on people) so he should have the same right to abort his legal obligation to the child. He should help pay for the abortion, or course, if they choose to go that route.
I think a man should be allowed to get out of child support and such if there is a signed written agreement from both parties BEFORE she gets pregnant detailing if there is an accidental pregnancy that he doesn't want the child and gives up his parental rights. Of course, in that case, he should chip in half the cost of an abortion (whether or not she has one) just to be fair financially. She shouldn't have to bear the complete financial burden for something they both did. But there are too many assholes who would promise to take care of it then run away which is why the situation would need to be organized beforehand. Every couple / sex partners should have the what-if conversation anyway so you at least know where you both stand.
the only additional repercussion a female has is having to pay for an abortion. and I bet many men would pay 500+ (price of abortion)for the multiple/longer orgasms women have. and the other advantage is they can have a child if they want... and they can make the man's life hell by demanding child protection etc.
#111 If men are allowed to leave whenever they have a kid and not have to pay for it, then they're just going to leave when a girl every time they get pregnant and get another girl pregnant without even caring just for sex. They can have sex as much as they want and get all these girls pregnant without caring. I think that they SHOULD pay child support for every baby they cause. Even if they don't want it. They should've thought twice about having sex. They could've said no. But they didn't, their faults.
the women could say no too? she can get rid of it If she doesnt want to pay for it by herself. making the man pay child support is cruel. I know a guy who pays quite a big percentage of his income to child support, and everyone knows she doesn't spend the money on the child...
Well if he didn' want it, couldn't he just have said so? At least he could talk to her about it, instead of pretending to be excited and then just run away? I don't say he has to be happy and stay, but the least you could expect for him to do is to say that he doesn't want to...
Nobody is saying the woman can't make her own choices regarding her body. But on the other hand why should women be the only ones with the option to abort? I mean obviously she should be able to choose about the actual operation, but if the guy makes it clear that he wants an abortion, that should be the end of his obligation. Women have the choice to keep it or toss it, but a man has almost no say in whether the baby is kept. I
#161 , it isn't her body, it's the babies body. it takes two to make a baby, the women doesnt have any more responsibility over it just because she holds it. and don't use that "the women carries the baby" bullshit. she doesn't have to. nobody should be forced into having a baby.
#173, that's a unfair comparison. Walking way is a lot easier than getting a surgery that could possibly make you infertile . Either way the girl gets the short end of the stick. Have a baby grow In her belly for 9 months keep or put it up for adoption. Pay a couple hundred dollars to get a emotional scaring and physically burdening surgery, while according to you a guy should able to just walk away?!? Are you joking me?
saying that it could possibly make you infertile is like saying travelling in a car could possibly kill you. and women can avoid all of it by taking a pill once a day.. abortions are hardly scarring in the very early stages anyway. the basic point is nobody deserves to be forced into having a child, male or female. either should be allowed to walk away without any (mostly financial) repercussions.
#111: I disagree about the marriage part of your comment. The laws for men should be the same across the board, not just for unmarried men. Just because two people choose to get married does not mean they signed up to having a kid. There are some couples out there who are married and don't want kids but sometimes a situation like this can still happen and can still be a problem. It's one thing if both partners are fine with adoption / abortion but sometimes the problem can happen if both partners still don't want kids but the one partner feels guilty about aborting the kid or giving away their child to someone else so the one partner would rather own up to keeping the kid out of guilt for whatever the reason may be for them on that guilt. Mean while you have the other partner who also doesn't want a kid and is firm with going through on the abortion / adoption. If it's the woman that doesn't have the problem with guilt, she's fine but the man isn't fine from guilt to proceed even though he to does not want the kid but will keep it for whatever reason (moral or not) he has but ends up not really having a say in it. The man still ends up not really having a say if it's the opposite where he still wants the adoption / abortion but the woman doesn't do it out of the guilt she feels and chooses to keep it even though she still didnt want a kid to. The man gets screwed either way because this law will lean towards the ladies favor most of the time. All marriage is could be one of the following reasons depending on the person: a piece of paper legally binding two people together for a commitment the rest of their life, religious reasons, for some peoples interpretation of "true love" or an agreement to lock two families together for some type of gain (ending a feud between two families or gaining power and wealth, etc). There are just as many common law / dating couples / none dating people who face this situation as well as married couples. Not everyone believes in getting married for whatever their reasons are but it doesn't mean two people can't stay committed to each other for the rest of their life. Marriage shouldn't be a status of reason to "sign up" for having kids when there are unwedded couples who still have kids themselves and being married shouldn't also mean that the man can't really have a fair say because he "signed up" for it when the situation isn't different for unmarried couples. Fairness is exactly what it means, not being one sided just because of a status but that's how society deems "fairness" with many things when it especially comes to double standards in men and women.
#156, making a man pay for a baby that is biologically his is cruel? I think not. He's just as responsible for it as the woman is, only she doesn't have the choice to run away from the child altogether. The woman either has to get an abortion or have the baby.
It's never going to be a perfect system until we can have babies born through artificial means with no one carrying the baby at all. However, we have reality. A woman has the right to decide to keep or abort the baby, and the man ends up getting pulled along. I understand surgery is very hard to deal with and that not everyone wants to get rid of the child. But the current system is completely unfair. People are not going to stop having sex. It just isn't going to happen. People should not to have to stop having sex. A lot of people do everything in their power to prevent having children and they still end up with the hard choice. If a woman has the right to decide about the baby then the man should have some equality. He should have the right to decide not to be a parents, just as a woman does. It will never be a totally neat process, will never satisfy both sides, but it would be fair. The child is not the biggest concern, in my mind, because until it is old enough to survive outside the womb, the parents are the ones who have to decide if they can handle raising it, taking care of it, etc. If a man doesn't believe he can do it, then he should have a right to decide that. And just as a woman can go through life fucking men as she wants, aborting babies, and continuing her life, the man should have the same right. The woman have options: birth control, abortion, adoption. Men should have the same options.
#236, that's the point. the women can back out of the pregnancy whenever she wants, but the man can't. women have way too many reproductive rights while men have way too little. there have been cases where a women has sex with a minor and gets pregnant, but she gets away without any rape charges, and the 14/15 year old boy had to pay for the baby.
#236, having an abortion IS running away from the baby. the man hardly ever can, due to child support, the people who will judge him for running away etc. and for the people saying that he should've thought about it before having sex, the female should've thought about having sex, not on the pill, with a man who might not want a child..
All these comments on birth control and "takig preventative measures" are ridiculous. The only way to prevent a child is to not have sex. My daughter is a condom birth control baby and I love her to tears. Her father claims to want to have something to do with her life, but has only seen her a couple times and she is almost a year old. Yes I got him for child support and his family is painting me to be the devil, it was his choice, either see her often or pay for her. He wasn't seeing her so he is paying for her and now that he is he sees her more often because the payments remind him to see her. Children happen for all kinds of reasons and it is easier on a man to just refuse any sort of responsability and for most of them it takes longer than a few weeks to decide whether or not to be in their child's life. Women are made to pay child support when the man wants the child after it is born and the woman doesn't, child support is a two way street. You guys make it sound like child support is evil.
To everyone saying that the mam should be able to abort the baby too....um, no. Never. If the woman wants to carry the child to term, then she should be able to do that. She is the one carrying the baby for 9 months, so yeah, she is going to have a say in what happens to her baby before it's born. It's in HER body. You cant force someone to stay pregnant or to have an abortion. That's just wrong. If you don't like it, get a vasectomy. There, your problem is solved, no child support from a guy who can't have children. It takes two to tango, he helped create the baby just as much as she did. If he didn't want a child with her, then he shouldn't have sex with her. Why? Because real adults take responsibility for their actions. They don't run away saying "But I don't WANT it." Too bad, you helped make it. To anyone saying, but people shouldn't have to stop having sex....really? It's that much of an uncontrolable urge? Are people just randomly starting orgies in the middle of the street cause they can't control their sexual urges? No. It IS a controllable urge. So if you don't want kids, and you're unwilling to get yourself sterilized, then don't have sex, or don't run away from your responsibilities if you do have sex and get pregnant. It IS that simple. It's called responsibility. If you're not willing to take responsibility for your actions then you still have a lot of growing up to do.
How exactly is a girls life ruined if the guy walks out? If he doesn't want the child if he stays he will hold anger against the poor kid whereas he's helping her by not having some one around that doesn't love their own child and besides if she doesn't want the child she can either have a termination or if she doesn't believe in terminating a baby then she can adopt out the child to a family who does want but can't have one
They aren't actually talking about physical abortion, just allowing the man to deny the child completely and give up all parental and financial rights and privileges, as if the child was never born. Someone else has explained this, please learn how to read all comments in a thread before responding.
File for child support. The cops can do the finding for you
Why is child support a joke? Do you know how expensive it is to have a child? Both people are responsible for the child's financial needs not just the mother. Maybe there are some women who use that money as an excuse to not get a job as well (there may be other reasons for that like cost of daycare) but my point is child support is still important whether the mother works or not it's still the fathers responsibility to contribute. Also, you sir are not the CEO of FML. That is all.
There are two sides of the coin here, people. There are plenty if deadbeat fathers, true, but there are plenty of mothers who milk the system. I have joint custody of my daughter, her mother makes more than me, and I still got hit for child support. I had to pay it for two years before I was able to get it cancelled. Child support can be good, but it can also be a severely broken system.
My old man had full custody and still had to pay child support for 6 years. The court refused to have my mother pay back any of the child support she took. also when the child support was reversed they arrested my father multiple times when my mother was the one not paying, they just came after the male. Child support is a great idea, however the system is corrupt and sexist.
Iiiiiincorrect! It is safe to consume a very small measure of alcohol per week without it having any negative effects on the baby! My mother had 2 glasses of wine a week whilst pregnant with my baby sister and that child is perfectly healthy and I must say, highly intelligent for a 3 year old. Now, if you're consuming 2 BOTTLES of wine a week I'd reckon that would have an affect, but, remember, there was a time where women always drank alcohol, every day, even when pregnant and the human race is still here. Sure in Ireland we used to give pregnant women Guinness to supply them with extra iron. We later found out it didn't help at all, but we're still among the best educated and highly skilled workers in the world.
I can't add many medical facts to this conversation but pregnant women did drink a mixture that was a third red wine in italy during the renaissance. It appears that they came out alright, and if they could get away with drinking that as a substitute to water I'm guessing one glass of champagne would be okay. But again, I'm not a doctor, just an asshole with a computer.
Actually, pregnant women can drink wine, whether it be white or red, while pregnant. They can only drink ONE glass of WINE a day and ONLY up to 7 glasses a week. There's been several medical studies done recently that prove this small amount of alcohol has no negative effect on the child's development and or neurodevelopment. Heavier drinking or an amount of alcohol greater than that, most definitely can have negative effects on the developing baby. This is coming from someone who's a couple years pre-med and browses a lot of published medical journals.
and to add to my statement, all previous generations before us, drank and smoked like there was no tomorrow whilst pregnant because they didn't know any better. My own grandma smoked like a chimney and drank like any other person her entire pregnancies in the late 50's and early 60's with my father and his older brother. This was of course before there weren't any medical warnings everywhere that said anything against it. It's only been relatively recently that tons of research has been done to show that it was negatively affecting childhood development.
Give him some space he might just need time to let the news fully sink in or he's just a dick
Not wanting a child doesn't make him a dick. Being unwilling to talk about important things like an adult, leaving a pregnant woman alone and confused, being ready to walk out on a child that you created - those things make you a dick. You shouldn't be having sex if you aren't able to deal with the possible consequences. I'm hoping the guy in the FML is just taking his time getting his head around it though.
#45 You're really grasping at straws trying to make this about abortion. She seems excited about it so she's likely not even thinking about that. Sit down and let people talk about the FML. I'm sure you can find a rally to talk at or can make posters to scare children with if you get too anxious.
I'll stick up for 45 here. I always thought it was an unfair double-standard that parenthood is always a choice for women, and yet always a responsibility for men. And by that I mean that everyone should take responsibility for the life they create. So yes, OP's boyfriend is being a dick. However, FML isn't really the place to discuss things like abortion. The mods tend to get delete and moderation happy when these highly controversial topics come up.
Gracehi, you make a good point. I think the boyfriend is being a dick for not just telling Op how he feels. I do know a lot of people who need space to make their own choices. While it was wrong to just leave her there, she should give him at least a week to sort his feelings out and come to a conclusion. Then they can discuss options like adults, look at their finances, and talk about where they see this relationship going. Unplanned pregnancies tend to make people panic, especially if you did not really see yourself settling down anytime in the future. Op needs to be ready to hear some things she might not like. He might not wish to stay with her, or take an active role in raising the child. He could be happier with child payments or want her to abort the child. Op also needs to understand that she has likely had some time to think about the child and come to the conclusion she wants it. She needs to give him the space to decide what is right for him. Girls might not want to hear their partner was not in the relationship for the same thing, meaning the child they want so bad is actually considered a mistake and unwanted by their partner.
Supermew, Yes he needs to be a man and tell OP how he feels, even if she won't like it. I hope his initial reaction was a just a moment of panic and that he wants to be a father to the child, but if that's not what he wants then OP deserves to know. Although I'd still think little of him for not wanting to be a father, there's no way to MAKE him do it, and running out on her without a word is just downright deplorable. And of course, he needs to contribute financially to raising the child at the very least. You're welcome, Didi. I try to help where I can. :)