Love: Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He told me he was a dinosaur.... - FML

By Kit - 16/09/2013 11:09 - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I told my boyfriend I loved him. He told me he was a dinosaur. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 067

You deserved it 5 891

Own it

Money, well, get back, I'm alright Jack…

Batman

By Mr. Sensitive Nips - 17/03/2011 22:38 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was spending Saint Patrick's Day with my girlfriend, when she started pinching me for not wearing green. To my complete shock, when she pinched my nipple, I got the biggest, most noticeable erection I've ever had in my life, and no matter what I did, it wouldn't go away. We were in public. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 444

You deserved it 9 357

By Confused - 13/05/2013 14:39 - United States - Bath

Today, I was told I would not be getting the job I was offered because I failed my drug test. They never gave me a drug test. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 533

You deserved it 3 121

By AnnieTheKitteh - 01/03/2018 19:00

Today, I came up with a new system: If I want to buy something, I must do a chore first. I thought my laziness would keep me from impulsive shopping. Instead, my entire apartment is sparkling clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 793

You deserved it 1 026

By Anonymous - 22/07/2009 11:29 - Netherlands

Today, my husband and kids celebrated my 50th birthday. I turned 47. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 637

You deserved it 3 812

By tyler_powellROTC - 15/12/2016 03:43 - United States - Irving

Today, while practicing for a competition, someone decided to spin a rifle with a bayonet. I'm currently sitting in the ER with stitches in my foot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 150

You deserved it 532

By Anonymous - 04/08/2015 13:31 - Canada - Orangeville

Today, while trying to quit my horrible job at a pizza place, I got so nervous that I accidentally offered to work double my usual hours for another month. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 759

You deserved it 15 875

By rainonmyparade - 17/03/2010 05:09 - United States

Today, I called my dad to tell him my boyfriend had proposed to me, and that we're planning on being married this summer. He was surprised at the short engagement, so I said, "Well, we're almost 30." Dad replied, "Wow, I left your mom when I was 35!" So not the conversation for that information, Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 635

You deserved it 3 565

By nevercatchabreak - 31/08/2013 08:16 - United States - Burgettstown

Today, tired of everyone forgetting my birthday, I traveled half way around the world to spend my 40th at a five star resort just to try and make it special. The hotel brought me a cake with someone else's name on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 037

You deserved it 4 249

By tsu3 - 16/11/2009 15:14 - Germany

Today, after spending about 5 years to go back to school, get my life together and get a real job, I now make about $100 less a month. I used to work as a dishwasher. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 330

You deserved it 2 958

By username - 31/07/2011 22:19 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was feeling a little naughty, so I put on a sexy outfit, laid down on the hood of my boyfriend's car, and waited for him to find me. When he came into the garage and saw me, he freaked out and bitched at me, because I "could have dented the chassis". FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 471

You deserved it 16 472

By bex - 07/01/2009 15:42 - United States

Today, I went out to lunch with two friends from high school. We saw a girl that we graduated with at the restaurant. The girl gave both of them hugs and introduced herself to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 525

You deserved it 2 167

By Anonymous - 12/02/2012 04:52 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was giving my boyfriend head. Soon, I noticed he was being very quiet. When I looked up, he was in a deep sleep. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 061

You deserved it 8 437

By Anonymous - 19/01/2013 00:26 - Iceland

Today, at an open mic comedy club, my jokes went down so poorly that someone decided to hurl a chair at me on-stage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 388

You deserved it 15 559

By babygurl69 - 20/01/2009 21:38 - Canada

Today, I woke up with a hangover, but went to school anyway without showering, applying makeup, and still wearing my pajama bottoms. While taking the subway, I bumped into my ex-boyfriend who I hadn't seen a year. His new girlfriend looked at me and said, "You look... tired." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 761

You deserved it 23 906

By Anonymous - 30/10/2011 13:16 - United States

Today, I spent two hours driving all over town looking for a store that sold pumpkins. When I finally found some, I was charged ten dollars per pumpkin. Later, I went to my town's annual Halloween festival and discovered they were giving pumpkins away for free. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 000

You deserved it 9 094

By addie19 - 19/01/2010 19:25 - United States

Today, I found out the antibiotics I'm taking can cause you to vomit unexpectedly. In the car. While driving. To work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 662

You deserved it 2 919

By Anonymous - 18/06/2019 03:10

Today, I'm in my mid-twenties and just learned that I still start crying in confusing situations. I found this out by getting the wrong train in a foreign country, and then having the conductor come and tell me my ticket was only valid for the other direction. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 673

You deserved it 249

By SadAndAlone - 03/12/2015 16:41 - Sweden - Nacka

Spicy

Today, I got the most action I've had in months when a stranger fondled my thigh on the subway. It was a blind man, searching for empty seats. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 553

You deserved it 1 963

By Anonymous - 06/12/2010 10:37 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me by sending me a text. She was sitting right beside me on a 10 hour car trip, and there was still 6 more hours to go. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 272

You deserved it 3 154

By Anonymous - 03/03/2017 04:00

Today, I found out why my girlfriend removed me from Facebook last week. Turns out she didn't want me to see pics of her with a new boyfriend. How I found out? My coworker, her new boyfriend, left his messenger open during lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 834

You deserved it 540

By Brock - 02/02/2013 21:20 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I went on a date with a very cute girl. It went well, until I accidentally called the blueberries in her dessert Oran Berries. I sheepishly explained that they're a berry from the Pokémon universe, at which point she excused herself, never to return. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 429

You deserved it 38 904

By Chard of Glass - 04/10/2016 12:45 - Canada - Marystown

Today, I woke up with a nasty cough. My mother gave me cough syrup for it. After about 30 minutes, I was dizzy, nauseous, and high as a fucking kite. Turns out the cough syrup reacts badly with my prescription medications, making me even sicker than I already was. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 601

You deserved it 1 155

By Anonymous - 12/04/2018 19:00

Today, while covering lunch for the self-checkout host, I noticed a customer walking away. I smiled and said "Have a nice night!" A few minutes later, I saw that she'd left without paying on her machine. I'd smiled and waved at a lady as she stole from me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 653

You deserved it 762

Shark-infested offices

By Anonymous - 23/08/2020 20:01

Today, I attended my father’s funeral. I have the week off work, and one of my colleagues is using this time to make a play for my job. I’m not supposed to be checking emails, so I can’t call them out on it until I get back, by which time it may be too late. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 699

You deserved it 103

By WhitneyHouston - 06/07/2009 19:33 - United States

Today, my neighbor knocked on my door and left a note that said "Please stop singing in the shower. You're terrible, and everyone in the building can hear you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 604

You deserved it 15 273

Alexa, play "Unhappy Birthday" by The Smiths

By Anonymous - 03/02/2021 17:01

Today, my sisters took me to a gay bar to celebrate my birthday. All was going well, until the drag queens demanded anyone with a birthday on stage. My sisters forced me to go. Turns out, it was for a twerking contest. I can't dance and have social anxiety. When I got off the stage, I cried. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 065

You deserved it 129

How is that fair?

By Henry - 13/10/2019 13:00

Today, I was promoted as an auditor at an insurance company. After finding 9 compliance violations and over $15,000 returned incorrectly, I reported them to my manager. She blamed me for all the mistakes and fired me. These mistakes happened two years before I was employed with the company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 250

You deserved it 120

By CalebNotShomo - 25/12/2014 15:25 - United States - Houston

Today, my boss sent me a text message saying, "You're fired. Merry Christmas!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 297

You deserved it 2 813

By frustrated - 30/10/2009 04:17 - Australia

Spicy

Today, I discovered that just because I get unwanted erections on an hourly basis throughout the day, it doesn't mean that I can get required erections in the night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 524

You deserved it 2 578

Laundry drama

By Anonymous - 19/11/2020 05:08 - United States - San Mateo

Today, I did laundry with one of my new white sweaters and other light-colored clothes. After it all went through the dryer, I found out there are now dark shades on it and it looks like a years-old old sweater, and can't be cleaned. I didn't even get a chance to put it on once. FML

I agree, your life sucks 427

You deserved it 674

By whatthewoah - 02/09/2010 18:10 - United States

Today, I went to the bookstore. While I was in line, I heard everyone talking about how a book cart had gotten loose and rolled down the parking lot into a car, smashing the front. It was my car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 077

You deserved it 2 215

Pay up

By ShouldHaveLetHimTakeTheTV - 07/11/2009 17:01 - United States

Today, I got a letter in the mail saying I'm being sued by the guy that broke into my house last week. When I walked in and saw him, I tackled him, punched him in the face a time or two, and restrained him with zip ties. I now have to pay for his broken nose and face charges of assault. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 184

You deserved it 4 894

By kneesarethenewdesk - 19/08/2009 22:38 - United Kingdom

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend jumped, naked, onto my computer desk, with the intention of having sex on it. A new, £250 computer desk, broken beyond repair. And we didn't even have sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 191

You deserved it 7 667

By alexbobalex - 11/01/2010 07:23 - Aland Islands

Today, my mom found a pack of cigarettes in my pocket. She hates smoking, so she tore every single cigarette to pieces, then emptied a bag of kitty litter on them. On my bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 881

You deserved it 57 495

Odd one out

By fun_gal - 25/03/2020 17:00

Today, my family said that we're all in this together, so I headed over to their house before the stay-at-home orders go into effect. When I arrived, my brother came out to stop me in the driveway to say they were practicing social distancing. From me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 747

You deserved it 207

Oh no, she's back

By Anonymous - 19/08/2021 18:01 - United States - Little River

Today, I learned that the respondents on the Suicide Hotline recognize me, and not fondly. FML

I agree, your life sucks 778

You deserved it 165

By Embarrassed - 06/12/2018 03:00

Spicy

Today, I managed to give myself a blowjob and it was great. The only problem is that I got stuck between the wall and my bed while I was doing it. I had to call for help and my whole family came to see what was wrong. They all knew what I was doing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 341

You deserved it 5 921

By wherefelix - 03/07/2009 08:01 - United States

Today, I woke up early, showered, dressed, and made the 40 minute drive to work, only to discover when I arrived that today was my day off. When I got home my live in boyfriend was gone. I called and he told me he was at the beach, right near my work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 039

You deserved it 9 470

By Anonymous - 13/08/2014 15:19 - United States - Wichita Falls

Spicy

Today, my professor told everyone that he thinks all med students should be required to get a catheter and an enema at least once in their lives so they can relate to their patients, saying, "Gentlemen, it might change your lives." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 183

You deserved it 7 263

By WeighYourWords - 03/05/2016 11:12 - Belgium - Overheid

Today, my overweight colleague twisted his ankle. He's pretty self-conscious about his weight, but I had a brain-fart and told him he shouldn't try to put too much weight on it. His feelings are more hurt than his ankle now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 320

You deserved it 1 905

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Monday 16 September 2013 18:46

Did he tell you RAWR? That means "I Love You" in dinosaur.

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Monday 16 September 2013 18:45

Hit him with a meteor!

Comments

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Monday 16 September 2013 18:45

Hit him with a meteor!

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Monday 16 September 2013 19:32

I don't know about you, but every time I think of meteors I think of Joe Dirt. Just a mental image of him eating French fries off the big pile of frozen shit. Haha.

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Monday 16 September 2013 18:46

Did he tell you RAWR? That means "I Love You" in dinosaur.

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Monday 16 September 2013 21:04

Just think, when they have kids, the boyfriend would be referred to as "Not the Mama"!

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Monday 16 September 2013 22:25

I'm pretty sure RAWR means "I'm going to eat you!" in dinosaur.

k34nu 7

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Monday 16 September 2013 23:14

#67 - you're wrong. It means "I love you." Only reason T-Rex say it with such anger and passion is because their arms aren't long enough to cuddle. So they be pissed. :(

tjv3 10

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Tuesday 17 September 2013 2:09

Well according to Rodney Carrington the reason the t-Rex was always so mad was because his arms were too short to touch his tallywacker

SlapAndTickle 20

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Tuesday 17 September 2013 11:19

Actually T-rex used his tiny arms to tickle their mates. Foreplay is important people, even for T-rex.

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Monday 20 June 2016 9:23

pro pyrocynical reference

_Princess_Peach_ 9

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Monday 16 September 2013 18:47

I know the fml community will think that is oh so terribly quirky..but honestly if I was with someone like that, id beat them to death with a pillow filled with bars of soap.

littlebiggs23 11

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Monday 16 September 2013 23:07

Yeah well your name is also princess peach so that shows us your total lack of sense.

LuckBeNimble 19

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Tuesday 17 September 2013 1:44

75: Princess Peach is fuckin' awesome, you're trippin'. tear fools up at some good ol Mario Kart.

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Monday 16 September 2013 18:47

punch him. violence solves everything.

Dawnstempest 17

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Monday 16 September 2013 18:53

Don't just punch him, punch him in the dick. That solves everything.

\ 28

Monday 16 September 2013 19:16

Then scaphize him, behead him, put him in a wood chipper and turn him into compost.

flockz 19

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Monday 16 September 2013 19:28

then chain him in front of the tv and, with no access to the remote, make him watch the channel that shows him all the functions of the tv remote.

CallMeMcFeelii 13

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Monday 16 September 2013 20:06

Jesus Christ, 33! You have to be the cruelest person I've ever heard of! I never want to cross you the wrong way..

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Monday 16 September 2013 20:12

Wouldn't wanna be your boyfriend then ._.

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Monday 16 September 2013 21:22

#33 calm down there Satan.

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Monday 16 September 2013 22:51

#33 That is the best and worst idea I have ever heard of.

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Tuesday 17 September 2013 19:55

33 The idea is off family guy.

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Monday 16 September 2013 18:48

Nah, it's Tyrannosaurus Sex

Pwn17 25

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Monday 16 September 2013 18:48

So, his love for you is extinct?

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Monday 16 September 2013 18:50

Never lose your dinosaur.

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Monday 16 September 2013 19:45

But OP's boyfriend is a human being...he could never be a dinosaur.

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Monday 16 September 2013 21:48

Don't crush his dreams, 40

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Monday 16 September 2013 22:12

He's seventeen years old! It's time to put away childish things!

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Monday 16 September 2013 23:00

He needs to stop being a fucking dinosaur and find a job.

NoFlippinWai 24

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Monday 16 September 2013 23:26

My husband calls me all sorts of pet names. Dinosaur is one of them. When he does I say "rawr" cause that means I Love You. Most people think it cute.

KhrystallDaBest 15

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Tuesday 17 September 2013 3:17

78 - I think thats adorible!

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Wednesday 7 May 2014 13:27

#73 What if said job requires him to be a dinosaur? :3

Pauschinator 22

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Monday 16 September 2013 18:50

Herbivorous or carnivorous? If he's the later of the two. I would leave the relationship. Just saying.

NoFlippinWai 24

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Monday 16 September 2013 23:28

Carnivor (sp) just means he eats meat. (no peoples or dinosaurs) I like a good steak, but I wouldnt want you anyway.

perdix 29

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Monday 16 September 2013 18:51

Dump him!! And make him a Single-o-saurus!

\ 28

Monday 16 September 2013 22:23

Or she could make like the Brontosaurus and DISAPPEAR.

NoFlippinWai 24

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Monday 16 September 2013 23:29

They died. Dont listen to him, Op. Dont die.

young_weezy_fml 3

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Monday 16 September 2013 18:53

that didn't make you love him more?

Nearly

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29

You deserved it 8

Today, I live in Turkey and the dollar has risen to 13 lira. Just turks understand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37

You deserved it 9

Spicy

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 444

You deserved it 107

Today, my wife announced she wants to incorporate a saddle into our lovemaking. This might be fine, except she wants me to wear an actual 30-pound saddle, and I have bad knees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 657

You deserved it 83