Today, I told my 10 year old brother I was turning 23. He said,... - FML

By NVP - 18/1/2009 14:30 - United States

Today, I told my 10 year old brother I was turning 23. He said, "You need to get a boyfriend." FML

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Family values

Serious times

Breaking Badly

By aww, such a nice guy. NOT - 25/5/2014 17:46 - United States - Dodge City

Today, the previously charming guy I've been seeing for the past two weeks tried to introduce a weekly sex quota into our relationship. FML

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By 12incher - 15/3/2009 04:45 - United States

Today, I was sitting in math class when I glanced over to the other side of the room and the hottest girl in the school is over there. I could see her thong so I instantly got a boner. About a minute later my teacher calls me up to the board to do a problem. I wore basketball shorts that day. FML

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By cls_x - 24/2/2013 07:53 - United States - Riverview

Today, I was holding the door open for a friend. She told me to wait a second because she had to finish a text. Nearly a minute passed before I asked why she wouldn't come inside to finish typing. We were at a Chinese restaurant. She thought the "No MSG" sign meant you couldn't text inside. FML

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By ~__~ - 20/3/2015 21:23

Today, I had to bail my drunk dad out of jail after he beat the shit out of a mime artist. All he had to say on the matter was "Fucking bastard was playing mind games." and that he'd beat him up again if he could. FML

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By sweetie808 - 28/1/2016 08:39 - United States - Kailua Kona

Today, around 12 a.m., my pet parrot said a sentence I've never heard him say before. Usually this would be exciting, but considering he said, 'I killed the bird', and that one of my two love birds mysteriously died a few days ago, it's safe to say I'm now terrified. FML

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By girl_what - 2/9/2018 23:30

Today, my parents informed me that my dad is leaving my mom and moving to Florida from New York tomorrow. I just spent $300 on a new crossbow for his birthday, which is tomorrow, in hopes that he would spend more time with me. FML

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By Username - 27/1/2011 17:40 - Romania

Today, I was running late for school because I had a huge stomach ache. To save on time, I took a taxi. When the taxi driver hit a bump, I lost control of my bowels and shit myself. Not only do I have to wash my underwear in the sink at school now, but I had to pay the driver extra to remove the smell from his car. FML

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By QueueJumper - 11/2/2014 00:45 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was waiting in line at a clothes store when someone cut in in front of me, and the gentlemen in front of me. I shouted, "Hey! Queue starts back here!". He responded by pointing out the "gentlemen" in front was actually a very realistic mannequin. FML

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By married - 16/10/2010 12:31 - United States

Today, my sister and I were both on Facebook, updating our statuses. I set mine to "just got released from hospital with Baby Lily", as I'd had a baby earlier this week. My sister set hers to "menstrual blood smells like shrimp". Her status got 37 likes. Mine got none. FML

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By Anza - 29/6/2011 06:12 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum told me that my sister's little kiddie swing wouldn't hold my weight. I told her she was being stupid, and went on anyway. A broken ankle and two pins in my elbow later, I'm willing to accept this. FML

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By anonymous - 9/3/2010 06:43 - Australia

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. He suddenly pulls away, and goes, 'OMNOMNOMNOM' then continues kissing me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/2/2019 16:35 - United States

Today, I am 3 months pregnant. While lying on the couch with morning sickness, my boyfriend farted loudly and filled the room with a smell so horrifying that I immediately threw up all over my coffee table. He spent the next 20 minutes texting his friends about this "epic" moment. FML

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By Brokeandangry - 6/8/2018 21:13

Today, I bought my kids new mattresses for their new beds. Within 24 hours my son did a cannon ball onto his sister's bed to prove that it wouldn't break. The box spring snapped in half. FML

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By Me - 20/6/2011 16:14 - United States

Today, I finally went to the bathroom after being constipated for two days. The good news? I lost two pounds. The bad news? The toilet won't flush. FML

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By DreamsDontComeTrue - 5/2/2015 06:15 - United States - Newport News

Today, my professor cancelled class so I turned off my alarm. When I woke up, I checked my email again. There was no email from my professor. It was a dream. FML

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By ali - 3/7/2012 11:51 - United States - Livingston

Today, I was having an argument with my girlfriend in front of our friends. I didn't want her to spoil my good time, so I ignored her until she disappeared. She re-appeared thirty minutes later just to throw a punch that would make Muhammad Ali jealous. Our friends' reaction? They clapped. FML

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By failure - 12/7/2012 16:08 - United States - Hector

Today, in the middle of my online midterm, my computer decided to update and closed out of the test. It can't be retaken. FML

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By Rachel8896 - 15/8/2013 11:28 - United States - Lakewood

Today, it was my birthday. I spent all day in bed, sick with the flu. My boyfriend then broke up with me by text, because he didn't want to risk getting sick by doing it in person. FML

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By Maleficia - 19/1/2017 08:25

Today, the government froze my bank account for not paying college debt, and now I can't access my 0.30 cents. FML

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By R2A8 - 1/3/2019 04:00 - Kenya

Today, after I got lectured about not replying on the family group chat, I decided to wish everyone a good morning. No one responded. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2011 22:28 - United States

Today, my mom took me to a counselor because of my addiction to watermelon. FML

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By Bacon0426 - 4/7/2016 21:03 - United States - Skaneateles

Today, in honor of America's birthday, my 50-year-old father decided to light off homemade bombs without telling anyone. The screams of me and my family members were louder than the bombs. FML

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By Mr IT - 24/11/2009 01:47 - Sweden

Today, the company offering the job position that I've been applying for called me up. I wasn't there to answer so they got redirected to my voice mail in which I'm acting like a drunk David Hasselhoff chewing on a cheeseburger. They called me 5 times. FML

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By John - 20/7/2011 16:38 - United States

Today, already knowing that my girlfriend wanted to be "just friends", I invited her over, hoping to change her mind. She was playfully drawing on me with a pen when I noticed she'd written "Emily's property" on my leg. I said "Aw, I'm yours?" She then drew a for-sale sign on me. FML

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By notgivingup - 1/10/2012 03:21 - United States

Today, I had to serve my boyfriend's father with a restraining order. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2013 07:54 - United States - Riverside

Today, my boyfriend went down on me for the first time. When I didn't get off right away, he asked what he was doing wrong. I told him he was doing fine, but instead of focusing only on my vagina, he might want to pay attention to my clitoris as well. His response? "What's a clitoris?" FML

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By Anonymous - 10/1/2011 17:16 - Australia

Today, an old man started telling me about the high price of meat. I told him I wouldn't know, since I'm a vegetarian. His reply was, "Oh, most vegetarians are slimmer." FML

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By Ladycakes - 4/6/2012 10:13 - United States - Altamonte Springs

Today, while in bed, I tried to explain how overworked and unappreciated I feel doing all the housework to my fiancé. It was only when I'd finished my long rant that I realized he had been asleep almost the whole time. FML

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By Overworked - 30/9/2013 05:01 - United States

Today, I realized how bad my insomnia had got when I tried answering my water bottle when my alarm went off. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2018 05:00

Today, my wife is still not pregnant, but her sister is after the threesome we all had a few months ago. The threesome was my wife's idea, but I suspect I am still a dead man when it comes to whose fault it is. FML

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By rofld - 14/7/2010 16:47 - United States

Today, I ran over a newspaper with the lawnmower, instantly volunteering myself to pick up confetti for hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2012 21:34 - Netherlands - Tilburg

Today, an hour after having been turned down for sex, I walked in on my wife fingering herself to a copy of War and Peace. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/10/2011 05:37 - United States

Today, while I was at work at a nursing home I was attempting to dress a woman for bed. She popped me a left hook and I had to ask the nurse to look at my jaw. After my nurse said I was okay she asked me to continue getting the woman dressed for bed. She hit me 5 more times. FML

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By Palf - 30/8/2010 11:40 - Germany

Today, I realised that my flight back from Berlin was actually booked for the 29th of September instead of August. FML

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By Heknowsnothing - 13/7/2016 21:09 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I got my giant Game of Thrones tattoo finished. Despite the fact that I had spelt it out for him, the artist wrote 'You no nothing John Snow'. It's the focal part of the tattoo. FML

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By fishoutofwater - 3/12/2015 04:22 - United States - Radcliff

Today, in an attempt to broaden my horizons in another sport besides swimming, I succeeded in getting a frisbee spiked into my face. FML

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By tedfragle - 28/9/2016 09:52 - United Kingdom - Bournemouth

Today, I realised that as I get closer to home, I drive slower and slower so I'm away from my husband for longer. FML

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By Tick - 20/8/2018 22:35

Today, I witnessed my first drunken bar brawl. Yes, my 54-year-old husband was one of the participants. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2020 17:00

Queue cutters should be prosecuted!

Today, while queuing in a shop, a girl appeared to bunk the line. When I asked her about it, she said it was nothing to do with me. She then asked me what was I going to do about it, before kneeing me in the nuts. I was overtaken by everyone in the queue. FML

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By ktreens - 19/10/2012 04:06 - Canada - Brandon

Today, I was getting out of the car when I saw a dark figure approaching me from behind a shed. I screamed and threw my bag. It also threw its bag, due to the fact that it was my shadow on the wall. FML

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Top comments

By jim_witness | 0

#24735 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:48

Unless you're a lesbian.

By _miss_anonymous_ | 0

#363608 - Friday 3 July 2009 11:22

What I would've done if my ten-year-old brother said that to me is fake-laugh in his face then "accidently" hit him over the head as I'm walking away.

COMMENTS

By jim_witness | 0

#24735 - Tuesday 10 March 2009 20:48

Unless you're a lesbian.

By blowyourspeakers | 0

#142957 - Sunday 26 April 2009 0:18

2 - good point.

other than that - if you rush love, it gets really ugly. lol

By 24788 | 6

#170583 - Tuesday 5 May 2009 9:23

He just wanted to be mean.

By tatroi | 0

#258639 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 4:58

LOL

By thelifeer | 0

#258801 - Wednesday 3 June 2009 5:20

Ya that sucks

By kittylvr | 0

#275094 - Saturday 6 June 2009 15:25

Listen to number four

By _miss_anonymous_ | 0

#363608 - Friday 3 July 2009 11:22

What I would've done if my ten-year-old brother said that to me is fake-laugh in his face then "accidently" hit him over the head as I'm walking away.

By GodOfBeer | 5

#425597 - Friday 24 July 2009 19:23

did u find someone? :D

By SAF_fml | 0

#443826 - Friday 31 July 2009 0:17

ugly

By railfan_fml | 0

#565614 - Wednesday 16 September 2009 1:11

he's right