Today, I thought it would be funny to take an airhorn to a golf... - FML

By Chris - United Kingdom - Swindon

Today, I thought it would be funny to take an airhorn to a golf course and blow it while people were teeing off. It was very funny, until I blew the horn during some guy's backswing and his ball was shanked in my direction and hit me in the head. FML

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Our house, in the middle of our street

Weird and scary

Lonely

By crazylobster - Australia

The eyeball zone

Today, I noticed that in my cover letter I wrote, "I also have an eye.", instead of, "I also have an eye for detail", and I have been sending it out for the past few weeks. No wonder I haven't gotten any replies. FML

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By enjoy

Today, I lost my cell phone. But found it again! And then dropped it in the toilet. FML

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By CALIdime_15 - United States

Today, I watched my boyfriend have a full on conversation with his penis. He also talks to his penis nicer than he talks to me. FML

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By futuregigolo - United States - Strasburg

Today, I went to the local used books store to sell all my college textbooks. I spent several hundred dollars on them in total. I ended up walking out of the shop a pathetic $3.50 richer. FML

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By iamScaredyCat

Stay indoors, it's safer at the moment

Today, I was texting while walking up the stairs to my porch. When I looked up, I saw someone standing behind the porch door, and was so scared that I fell backwards down the stairs. Turns out, it was just my reflection. FML

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By blue.

Today, I'm the coach of a football team. To celebrate winning a game, they poured a cooler of blue Gatorade over my head. This would've been great, if not for the fact that I'm highly allergic to blue food dye. FML

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By Bear - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my Mum and Dad having sex and didn't even realize what they were doing until she shouted at him to go harder. FML

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By loon - France

Today, the girl I'm secretly in love with, whom I was talking to on MSN, told me she'd "brb in 10, no wait 20, oh make that 30 min" depending on her boyfriend's stamina. FML

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By CLH - Canada

Today, I accidentally dropped my engagement ring down a sewer. To my surprise, the sewer water was frozen and my ring sat on top. During my efforts to retrieve it, I had to watch as the ice slowly melted due to the warm day. The ring sank further and further until it was completely gone. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I finally told the girl I'm in love with how I've felt ever since we first met six years ago. She let me know that not only does she not feel the same way, she's always considered me a creep and only ever hung out with me because of our mutual friends. FML

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By stressedoutsquaddie - United Kingdom - York

Today, while away on training with the army, my housemates rang me to tell me some news. They had found a perfect house for next year and they had put an offer on it. The only problem? There are 5 of us and the house is for 4. Guess who hasn't been included. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I missed my history exam because they'd changed the day. Apparently they sent out an email to let everyone know. Too bad I'd banned myself from the internet in order to study for the exam. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, as soon as I got home, my girlfriend was waiting for me at the door. She told me she was breaking up with me, the reason? She found a girl's shirt in my closet and that she didn't need a cheating boyfriend. That shirt was mine. FML

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By ginya - United States - Bedford

Today, my sister asked me to let her dog out of the kennel when I got home. I did only to have the little beast bite me. She then ate the entire content of the cat's litter box, which she couldn't keep down. FML

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By pocahontas - United States

Today, one of my coworkers called to remind me about the annual costume day at work this morning. I dressed as Pocahontas. There is no annual costume day. I was fired for dressing inappropriately in front of customers. FML

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By Gears

Close shave

Today, I had dinner at a local fast-food joint. There's an employee there that I usually talk to and flirt with, so I thought maybe it was time to ask for her number. After a small conversation and almost getting to the point, she told me, "I'm 17." I'm 23. FML

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By /(•'_'•)\ - United States - Ballwin

Today, while working at Subway, I was about to take a guy's order. He quickly held up a hand and asked for someone else to make his sub, because he doesn't like "ugly people" touching his food. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a grocery store with my great-grandmother. It would've been nice to know she hadn't taken her medication before she started beating the cashier with her umbrella. FML

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By nosebleeder - Sweden

Today, I was terribly late for class, so I rushed to the classroom door, thinking it was unlocked. I smacked face-first into the glass, and awkwardly fell to the floor. Once I got back up, I peeked through the glass, only to realise it wasn't even my class. FML

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By possiblyoverweight - United Kingdom

Today, my baby son latched onto my nipple for a feed, after a month of having to be bottle fed because he wouldn't latch. This would be fantastic, if it weren't for the fact that I'm his father, not his mother. FML

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By nybaby - United States

Today, a little girl pointed to the acne on my face and said to her dad, "Look at how many mosquito bites she has on her face!" FML

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By nearsighted-ut

Cool nickname

Today, I was watching TV when my older brother thought it would be funny to rip a bare-assed fart in my face before a shower. I looked up, only to see a brown blob on my glasses. My nickname is now "Shitfaced." FML

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By short&stout

Today, I took the kids to the pool. I'm short and 20lbs overweight but they talked me into it and I put on a swimsuit for the first time in 10 years. As soon as we got there, a girl my height but a good 150lbs heavier said, "It's so nice to see another big girl in a two-piece!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Jacksonville

Today, one of my friends made it to school. He has been sick recently, missing days out of the week. When I saw him, I greeted him with, "Were you dying yesterday?" Apparently he wasn't, but his grandmother really did. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Miami

Today, I'm in training at an animal shelter. There's an adorable tiny kitten there, which my boss said not to touch it because it's feral. "No way he's dangerous" I said, reaching into the cage to pet it. It struck like a cobra and tore up my arm. My first on-the-job injury is from a KITTEN. FML

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By nolove - Canada

Today, before going to bed my phone lit up and I got all excited because I thought it was a text message. My phone was finished charging. FML

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By Elizabeth Haygood - 13/5/2021 04:01

Dog hater?

Today, I had a phone interview for a better position at work. I've been training my puppy recently not to bark. I put on dog-calming videos while she was in the kennel. During the interview, my neighbor's dog started barking and my dog immediately responded back. My boss ended the interview. FML

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By daqueen009 - 18/12/2020 17:04 - United States

Laundry Day

Today, I had to do my laundry. Being too lazy to separate them into different colors, or even check the pockets of my jeans, I threw everything I own into one load. Turns out I had left a tin of lip balm in one of my pockets. My whole wardrobe is now covered in spots that won't come out. FML

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By D.W.

Today, the new Apple update put all of the 100+ nudes I'd sent my boyfriend on his mother's phone because their accounts are linked. FML

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By cutiecuppiecakez - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend got so baked, he thought I was in the washing machine. I came downstairs to find him sitting in a puddle of soaking wet clothes, crying about where I was. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I'd just finished cleaning the bathrooms at work when I saw a young boy go in. Of course, I thought nothing of it until I had to use the bathroom myself ten minutes later. The kid had taken a shit and missed the toilet completely. FML

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By Punphmelch - Australia - Adelaide

Today, no matter how many toys and teddies she has, and no matter how much I punish her, I am most likely never going to be able to break my 10-week-old puppy's habit of stealing my underwear. She doesn't eat them or even chew on them. She steals them to sleep with. FML

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By yeasty - United States

Today, I went to the drug store to pick up some Monistat for a yeast infection. As I was leaving the store, the security alarm went off. The attractive security guard asked to see my receipt, smiled, told me I looked nice, so I handed him the receipt. His face then abruptly changed to a look of disgust. FML

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By Gina - Thailand

Today, I was in the shops and the lights all of a sudden went out. I got really scared for no reason because it was pitch black and grabbed onto my mum's hand. When the light's got turned on I was holding on to a random guy's hand. FML

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By love and tolerape, apparently - India - Jamshedpur

Today, after a 7 year dry spell, I finally got laid. The downside? It was in my dreams and involved a character from My Little Pony forcing itself on me. Now I hate that fucking stupid show more than ever. FML

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By spiderhater - United States

Today, I was with my girlfriend in her room. She starts screaming. Her father bursts in and, thinking I'm some kind of rapist, hits me in the head with a baseball bat. Not bad enough? I wasn't the one making her scream. There was a huge spider on the wall. FML

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By jazopalchris - Australia - Mount Gambier

Today, my 7 year old daughter explained to a taxi driver that she was born from my "vagina that doesn't have hair". He winked creepily at me and said, "I bet it doesn't." FML

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By anon - United States - Dallas

Today, my boyfriend and I were going to sext before going to sleep. It was very late, but I said I'd stay up for him. He sent a text asking me if I was ready. Me replying "yes" was the last thing I remember before I fell asleep on my horny boyfriend. FML

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By WtfDidIPayYouForThen - United States - Jacksonville

Today, I asked my dermatologist why my acne has been getting worse, despite following her directions and spending hundreds of dollars on medicine. She just shrugged and told me they can't actually cure my acne. However, they can prescribe me a bunch of stuff and hope one works. FML

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By Anna - 20/12/2020 05:02

Bad timing

Today, it's the first day of a long-needed vacation after weeks of stress and overtime. I'm having such intense period cramps, I'm bathed in sweat. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7837107 - Tuesday 27 August 2019 22:15

You're lucky you just got hit by a golf ball.

You deserve to get clubbed mercilessly and then spiked. What a prick thing to do!

By Cj Curry | 5

#7837124 - Tuesday 27 August 2019 23:06

fucking prick.

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7837107 - Tuesday 27 August 2019 22:15

You're lucky you just got hit by a golf ball.

You deserve to get clubbed mercilessly and then spiked. What a prick thing to do!

By Chantalle Hensgens-Waltmans | 19

#7837108 - Tuesday 27 August 2019 22:15

So you got one in your hole?

By Cj Curry | 5

#7837124 - Tuesday 27 August 2019 23:06

fucking prick.

By zoelog | 10

#7837128 - Tuesday 27 August 2019 23:25

ydi. I dont know why you thought that would be funny.

By Cody Vertigo Bonthoux | 15

#7837134 - Tuesday 27 August 2019 23:40

yeah fuck you enjoy

By Mathalamus | 24

#7837147 - Wednesday 28 August 2019 0:48

Yeah, uh, you deserved it. Happy Gilmore would beat you up and not get in any trouble.

By skippydoda | 32

#7837154 - Wednesday 28 August 2019 1:19

I stopped at "I thought it'd be funny" and hit YDI

By Ekh0es | 37

#7837169 - Wednesday 28 August 2019 4:01

Who do you think you are, Johnny Knoxville?

By BurnInDemonFire | 31

#7837204 - Wednesday 28 August 2019 7:03

Every single golfer at that course should have wrapped their 9-Irons around your empty skull, kicked you in the nuts with their cleats, and buried you neck deep in a sand trap. A lobotomy would be funnier than you, you worthless piece of shit.

By alycion | 38

#7837228 - Wednesday 28 August 2019 9:05

Hopefully you were the only one who got hurt from that stunt.