Today, I thought I'd surprise my girlfriend with a bear hug.... - FML

By Fail - 21/11/2009 05:59 - United States

Today, I thought I'd surprise my girlfriend with a bear hug. I found her in the hall with her back to me talking to friends. As I walked up behind her and was about to wrap my arms around her, she said, "so does anyone have any ideas about how I should break it off with my boyfriend?" FML

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Tense

Buzzing the tower

Risky business

By ohh jeez. - 21/2/2009 02:49 - United States

Today, I handed in an assignment in health class that had to calculate my BMI. Embarassed by my weight I put it 15 pounds less. I got the assignment back and lost credit for something. Circled in red pen on the top was you must put your "EXACT" weight. FML

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By tessykins - 22/10/2009 07:41 - United States

Today, this guy who likes me accused me of cutting myself. I asked him what he was talking about, and he said, "Don't lie, I saw those scars on your thighs when we went swimming." I have stretch marks on my inner thighs, and now I have to explain them to him so he doesn't think I cut myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2009 20:35 - United States

Today, I went to the doctor for a sports physical. I've had a giant, dark birthmark on my left rib cage that I've hated most of my life. Recently I've learned to embrace it and show it off by wearing bikinis. My doctor saw it today and told me it's a fungus that's been spreading on my side all my life. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/1/2011 17:09 - United States

Today, my entire family of five is sharing one roll of toilet paper. My parents refuse to buy any, because my father can get it free from his work. He's forgotten to bring any home every day without fail for the past seven days. FML

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By HolyyMolyy - 11/7/2016 10:24

Today, I was ecstatic to have received a friend request from my crush of grade 4 after 11 years. He's grown up to be such a hottie. I quickly accepted his request, he messaged me and we ended up chatting for hours. Later, when I messaged him, he called me clingy and unfriended me from Facebook. FML

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By badluckbrian - 12/6/2019 04:15

Today, I lost my job. This was a surprise, as my performance hasn’t ever been an issue. My boss couldn’t look me in the eye while it happened, and the HR representative cut me off when I tried to ask why, informing me that they would only answer benefit-related questions. FML

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By poor man - 26/11/2014 14:13 - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I frantically told my parents that my bank account had no money. Turns out, they took the $1,600 I had saved up from a summer job and invested it in penny-stocks. I was grounded because they were "doing it for the family," and I'm being selfish. They also had lost it all in a matter of days. FML

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By goddamnit - 14/3/2009 02:57 - United States

Today, I got a letter saying I was no longer a student at my college and my current work is void since I had ignored and refused to pay my tuition bill. Over the past month I've been deleting these pesky emails saying 'FINAL WARNING regarding payment' thinking it was more spam. They weren't. FML

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By spanishsucks - 1/4/2012 03:01 - United States - Livingston

Today, I introduced my mother to my new girlfriend. My mom made a very nasty comment about her in Spanish, not realizing that my girlfriend teaches Spanish at the local school. FML

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By kiwi023 - 14/2/2012 06:50 - Canada

Today, I spent an hour cleaning my already-clean house to avoid any form of conversation with my boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2020 02:08 - United States - Pittsburgh

Do as I say…

Today, my mother woke up again in a bad mood due to the quarantine and went off on how us siblings complain about each other all the time. Truth is, she's the one complaining non stop about whichever sibling is not in the room. FML

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By dead man walking? - 4/10/2015 13:21 - United States

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents. Her dad showed me his gun collection, and said the first rule of gun safety is never to point a gun at something you don't intend to kill. All while waving a handgun in my direction and glaring at me with barely suppressed rage. FML

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By HelloItsMee123 - 24/12/2016 05:59 - United Kingdom

Today, I had routine surgery and should have been discharged on the same day. Now due to an avoidable mistake the surgeon made I'll be staying in hospital over Christmas. FML

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By FranticFarAwayDaughter - 16/11/2017 19:00

Today, my mother was transferred from the hospital to a long-term care facility. Nobody I talk to at the hospital knows what facility they sent her to. FML

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By vegas-81 - 10/2/2014 03:39 - France

Today, I came home from a night out with the lads. My girlfriend refused to make love to me, saying my sperm were drunk and would raise hell in her uterus. FML

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By anonymous - 28/8/2015 17:18 - United States - Huffman

Today, I decided to give my dog a bath. Instead, my dog gave me a bath. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2018 06:00

Today, I'm on new medication that has a side effect of keeping me awake all night. Now I get to listen to my parents having sex at 2am when they think I'm fast asleep. FYI, my dad likes being spanked and being told that he's a really bad boy who needs punishment. FML

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By pleasebackintomycaragain - 24/4/2009 02:12 - Canada

Today, as I was sitting in my car in a mall parking lot an old couple got into their new van and backed right into me. The man got out and in broken english decided it was no big deal. He turned to leave and tried to pat my back, but smacked my ass instead. I was hit by a car, and spanked for it. FML

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By thatescalatedquickly - 7/11/2013 08:52 - United States - Collierville

Today, I was having sex for the first time with a girl who wanted to be friends with benefits. Halfway through sex she noticed that I had the same tattoo as her brother, and had a full-on panic attack that lasted half-an-hour. FML

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By I guess not - 2/8/2016 13:24

Today, my boyfriend of three years asked me if I ever wanted to get married. I said yes. He said, 'But what happens if you never find a guy who likes you that much?' FML

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By Prego my ego - 23/7/2009 17:39 - France

Today, I had my first date with this guy I really like, who came to pick me up. Once I got into his car, my uncle comes out of the house and yells "Remember, pregnant girls aren't allowed to drink." FML

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By xXitslolaXX - 4/6/2009 05:33 - United States

Today, I volunteered for a school play. During rehearsal, I was playing the part of an average housewife. The teacher asked for a volunteer to be my husband. Thirty seconds go by and no one raises their hand. The teacher ended up playing the part because no else wanted to. FML

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By Bryan - 30/9/2020 17:01 - United States

You had to ask

Today, I was working out with my trainer. A question popped up in my mind, so I asked if she had to deal with fat people a lot. She then responded, "I'm working with you, aren't I?" FML

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By tardspawn - 5/4/2015 15:38 - United Kingdom - Horsham

Today, my morbidly obese mother gave me an angry lecture at dinner, saying without any trace of irony that my vegetarian diet is "unhealthy and utterly unacceptable". FML

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By anonymous - 9/6/2011 19:04 - United States

Today, I noticed a disgusting odor that seemed to be radiating off my brother. When I asked him about it, he replied, "I think it's ball sweat. I haven't had a shower in a few weeks, so it's hard to tell." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2017 08:00 - Australia - Camberwell

Today, the framed memorabilia that I spent $195 on last week came crashing to the floor. It was on my wall for less than 2 hours. The picture is torn and the glass is shattered, but at least the frame is alright. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/5/2009 05:43 - United States

Today, I thought it would be a good idea to superglue a couple quarters to the sidewalk downtown and watch people try to pick them up. Unfortunately, street patrol was watching me glue everything the whole time. I was fined with public vandalism and defacing US currency. FML

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By Sica - 15/3/2012 19:28 - France

Today, I broke my little toe. It got stuck in my panties as I struggled to get a leg through. FML

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By FuturePolice - 23/1/2012 09:56 - United States

Today, I was accepted into a police academy. I called my girlfriend of 2 years, who was supportive through the process. She promptly broke up with me, stating, "You'll be really busy in the academy, and I can't marry a police officer. Its a dangerous job." And then called me selfish for "doing this to us." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2009 06:41 - United States

Today, I was getting mugged. In shock, I said, "Are you mugging me?!" To which the mugger responded, "Duh, do you think I grabbed you for your looks?" FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2009 08:14 - Canada

Today, I got an e-mail from a guy I'd had a one night stand with. He wanted to get together to talk about it. Turns out he's in rehab and he wanted to address the biggest mistakes he'd ever made in his life. I am a on a drug addict's list of regrets. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/3/2012 00:59 - Australia

Today, I had to ask my mum not to meditate while driving. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2020 20:01

How's the diet going?

Today, I bought 3 buckets of expensive low-calorie ice cream because it was on sale, only to discover it tastes rather awful. I thought I liked that stuff… Oh, I remember now, I did like it… After mixing it with lots of chocolate spread. FML

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By SingleGirl - 7/9/2009 15:39 - United Kingdom

Today, my mum grounded me for going to my boyfriend's house instead of the library. She said my boyfriend's mum phoned up because she could hear us having it off in his room. When I denied it my mum shouted at me for being a liar as well as a slut. I did go to the library. FML

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By must be adopted - 11/2/2013 01:00 - United States - Houston

Today, I casually mentioned to my dad that it was the Chinese New Year yesterday. He accused me of insulting his intelligence by "making stupid shit up." I explained that it's real, and that we just use the Gregorian calendar, hence the different dates. He responded by grounding me. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/9/2017 06:00

Today, while fingering my girlfriend in the dark, I tried to be sexy and licked my fingers. After we turned the lights back on, we realized that her period had come early. FML

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By for fuck sake dad - 2/11/2012 23:50 - Ireland - Limerick

Today, I introduced my boyfriend to my parents. My dad looked at him and said, "Nice outfit, but it's a little late for Halloween." Before I could intervene, my boyfriend said that joke had been done to death, to which my dad retorted, "Yeah, so has your mum." Instant fistfight. FML

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By Caught - 11/11/2010 13:34 - United States

Today, I was in the car hooking up with my boyfriend. He was on top of me when I noticed my neighbor jogging toward the car. Instead of hiding, I felt compelled to wave as he jogged past us. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/2/2012 03:59 - United States

Today, feeling out of shape, I went for a jog. I got mugged. FML

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By JimiHendrix - 1/3/2013 01:55 - France - Luynes

Today, a wasp knocked me out, broke my glasses, and left a gash over my eyebrow. It did so by flying under my glasses while I was playing my guitar, causing me to reflexively bat at it with the hand that was still grasping the guitar neck. FML

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Top comments

By Thoureau | 0

#682048 - Saturday 21 November 2009 13:03

I wonder what was said afterwards...

"Uhhhh, Ismaeliqua..."

"What, he's a fucking greasy-haired, pizza-faced loser who's made me fake it for him every time we've done it, but if I'm straightforward about it, he might go into a whinefest and kill himself."

*Other friend points to you*

"How is he behind me? I can smell his sweaty ass from space. Hell, I can smell him over...the...phone." *Turns to see you at the last part* "Hey sweetie! I didn't notice you there!"

But yeah man, FYL.

By malakian_fml | 0

#682043 - Saturday 21 November 2009 12:55

"least u don't have to go through that akward break up" - It sounded like a pretty damn awkward break up to me...

COMMENTS

By Hurt16 | 0

#682029 - Saturday 21 November 2009 12:30

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Reyo | 2

#682897 - Sunday 22 November 2009 7:54

That's when you say "uh...I have one."

Reply

crazytoaster | 2

#683086 - Sunday 22 November 2009 11:47

Two options:

1) Break up with her first, claim she was just something you used for sex.

2) Crush her in the bear hug, pretend it was an accident.

Reply

UnluckyDom | 0

#974136 - Monday 5 April 2010 1:04

Say, "here's one, let him hear!" then punch her face.

:D

Reply

missmontreal97 | 4

#1290260 - Monday 23 August 2010 15:45

awwwww poor op

Reply

senalina | 0

#2470659 - Saturday 7 May 2011 3:46

i would have been like you just figured that out in less then 10 seconds bizotch and walked off like nothing happend

By OLOtheDemigodess | 0

#682040 - Saturday 21 November 2009 12:46

..OUCH.
fyl D:

Reply

monkeyy22 | 6

#1357089 - Sunday 5 September 2010 20:22

damnn
awkward

By Williii_fml | 0

#682041 - Saturday 21 November 2009 12:47

:( keel hur

Reply

wiredream | 0

#941412 - Saturday 13 March 2010 5:45

lol agree
she's mean, I hope you find a better girlfriend OP :/

Reply

farhil | 14

#3380485 - Monday 3 October 2011 4:54

How is this mean? She was just asking how she should break up with him. If she was mean she would have just walked up to him and broke it off like she didn't care about his feelings. But logic tells us she did care

By malakian_fml | 0

#682043 - Saturday 21 November 2009 12:55

"least u don't have to go through that akward break up" - It sounded like a pretty damn awkward break up to me...

By floobl11121 | 0

#682047 - Saturday 21 November 2009 13:03

owch sorry

By Thoureau | 0

#682048 - Saturday 21 November 2009 13:03

I wonder what was said afterwards...

"Uhhhh, Ismaeliqua..."

"What, he's a fucking greasy-haired, pizza-faced loser who's made me fake it for him every time we've done it, but if I'm straightforward about it, he might go into a whinefest and kill himself."

*Other friend points to you*

"How is he behind me? I can smell his sweaty ass from space. Hell, I can smell him over...the...phone." *Turns to see you at the last part* "Hey sweetie! I didn't notice you there!"

But yeah man, FYL.

Reply

analo_fml | 8

#682085 - Saturday 21 November 2009 14:21

ROFL IMAO!

Reply

SirensMelody | 0

#682611 - Sunday 22 November 2009 2:56

LOL.

Reply

corporatescoundr | 25

#2470589 - Saturday 7 May 2011 3:27

most definitely how it went!

By mylifestoryy | 6

#682057 - Saturday 21 November 2009 13:14

Just be like Ill show you how to do it then be like " I dont want to go out with you anymore because you're an ass."

By LoveDemon | 19

#682071 - Saturday 21 November 2009 13:48

Looks like you were the one surprised !!! :D

By Attrox | 0

#682072 - Saturday 21 November 2009 13:49

It seems she doesn't like pedobear hugs.

Consider a change of tactics.

By xoxcinderellaxox | 0

#682081 - Saturday 21 November 2009 14:09

tell her she doesnt have to coz you're breaking up with her instead!