Today, I thought I'd surprise my girlfriend with a bear hug.... - FML

By Fail - 21/11/2009 05:59 - United States

Today, I thought I'd surprise my girlfriend with a bear hug. I found her in the hall with her back to me talking to friends. As I walked up behind her and was about to wrap my arms around her, she said, "so does anyone have any ideas about how I should break it off with my boyfriend?" FML

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Drinking is bad for you, most of the time

You snooze, you lose

Business savvy

By Anonymous - 9/2/2010 02:17 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of six months dumped me for his girlfriend on Grand Theft Auto because he was "tired of having to please two women at once." FML

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By LovedByFamily - 8/10/2012 15:08 - Germany - K?ln

Today, I found out that my mom gives my brother tips on how to hurt my feelings the most. FML

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By McSlave - 18/1/2015 07:04 - Australia - Cammeray

Today, a customer tried to order a Zinger burger. I tried to explain that he was at McDonalds and that the Zinger is a KFC burger. He accused me of lying to him and tried to report me to my manager. FML

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By saddude - 4/3/2009 07:03 - United States

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend. Being the stud that I am, after a short time I turned to her and said "You think you're ready for a round two?" She replied "No, but I do think I'm ready for the rest of round one." FML

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By Mike - 20/12/2017 01:30

Today, I received the Christmas gift I bought for my sister in the mail. I also received a nearly $200 bill for shipping fees, taxes, etc. for a $50 blanket from Canada. FML

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By CaseyFpC85 - 11/9/2011 15:13 - United States

Today, the girl I've been dating, and starting to fall in love with, walked out of the bathroom claiming we were going to be parents. I jumped off of the couch in disbelief, yelling, "Really?" She replied, "Really. I just gave birth to a huge dump baby." FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2013 14:26 - United States - Chicago

Today, I got home from work early and discovered why my 17-year-old daughter's sprained elbow isn't getting any better after weeks of treatment. She can't stop giving handjobs. FML

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By orcatheseapanda - 9/1/2016 05:14 - Thailand

Today, I was stretching on the balcony, when I heard my neighbor's daughter scream. She was playing in their kiddie pool and thought I was peeping on her. And now her parents think so too. FML

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By lifeofamusicteacher - 8/12/2016 01:22 - Hong Kong

Today, I got yelled at by parents of one of my students because their child didn't perform well at their Winter Concert. These are the same parents who told me months ago that I needed to be more lenient by allowing their kids to skip rehearsals. FML

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By Ummm - 3/8/2016 19:45 - United States - Wheaton

Today, I was on a second date with a guy. Things got a little handsy and he pulled down his pants to reveal a micro-penis. He then smiled and asked me to be his girlfriend. FML

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By Dv0829 - 21/10/2011 05:42 - United States

Today, I went to the store with my girlfriend. She needed to use the bathroom so I started looking at the books. It wasn't until the manager shot me a weird look that I realized I'd wandered down too far and was looking at bridal magazines, holding tampons, dog treats, and hair spray. FML

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By MouseLover.. - 30/9/2016 04:06 - United States

Today, I placed sticky mouse traps in my bedroom. it's now 12:05 a.m. and I've successfully caught a mouse. Too bad I'm scared of them and my husband is passed out asleep. I now get to listen to a mouse squeak all night and have to be up in 4 hours. FML.

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By OL2R - 17/4/2012 08:29 - United States - Somerville

Today, my best friend texted me saying she is determined to find out what skank her brother is sneaking around with. I've been secretly dating her brother for months; apparently I'm the skank. FML

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By Noname - 12/3/2009 11:24 - New Zealand

Today, my mom told my boyfriend all about how she had to be a parent volunteer when I was in kindergarten. Apparently I used to masturbate in class by rubbing myself against the edges of chairs and tables. The teacher thought it would be best if my mom was there to make me stop. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2015 13:51 - United States - Pottstown

Today, I thought it would be funny to fart next to my brother in the car. Apparently, his carsickness is exacerbated by strong smells. I now know what it feels like to have lap full of vomit. FML

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By anonymous - 14/12/2011 05:42 - United States

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text that said, "I can't be seen with you anymore. You're too fat." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2017 16:00

Today, my 3-year-old niece brushed my hair, making sure to be gentle so she wouldn't hurt me. When it was time to brush the front, she made sure to meticulously brush my mustache. I'm a woman. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/2/2013 21:57 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend asked me if she looked fat in her new pair of jeans. Knowing I was probably about two seconds away from all hell breaking loose, I instinctively tried to save my game, before remembering I wasn't playing a video game. I really need to get a life. FML

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By nyaahaha - 2/9/2011 03:44 - United States

Today, my daughter turned Emo. FML

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By llozano715 - 13/9/2010 05:41 - France

Today, I got the car of my dreams. My daughter also learned how to write her name. Now I have "LAUREN" across the side of my car. FML

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By rikitsumiatsu - 10/4/2020 02:00

This is the rhythm of the night

Today, my wife showed me a video she took of me last night. I was shit-faced, dancing half naked to '90s club music in the middle of the street at midnight. She won't stop laughing at me and replaying the video. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/2/2014 07:02

Today, I was let go from work because they need "younger people". I'm 19 and I work at a flower market. FML

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By cande - 1/12/2009 03:22 - United States

Today, my apartment complex added $250 to the $1,000 my roomate and I already owe because of an unauthorized pet and complaints from neighbors that our dog barks all night long. We don't have a dog, we don't even have a pet. FML

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By sharibaby - 30/4/2013 21:26 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, it's my wedding day. I have a cold sore that makes me look like The Joker. Make-up won't cover it and the emergency medicine my doctor gave me only irritates it more. My future husband asks, "Why so serious?" and laughs whenever he sees me. Fantastic. FML

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By Nick - 20/7/2013 19:37 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was babysitting a little boy for the first time. He kept using all sorts of profanity toward me the whole evening, so I told his mom when she picked him up. She just grunted and muttered, "Fucking cunt-ass snitch." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2013 21:18 - United States

Today, I was reading in my apartment. Due to a heatwave and my lack of AC, I was completely naked. My cat jumped onto my lap, and as her claws dug into my stomach, I recoiled. This caused her to retreat, clawing at my nether regions in the process. My pussy mauled my pussy. FML

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By Gale - 13/1/2009 15:01 - United States

Today, I threw a rock in the air and watched it soar. And watched it come back down and hit me in the face. Gravity. FML

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By alex - 14/3/2011 14:44 - United States

Today, my girlfriend asked me to hold her purse while shopping. All of a sudden, a robber punched me in the face and took her purse. She started crying about her purse and told me to get off the ground because I was embarrassing her. FML

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By Concussed - 17/1/2010 06:22 - Australia

Today, as I showered, I sneezed, hit my face on the wall, got shampoo in my eyes, slipped on a bar of soap, bashed my head on the wall as I fell, grabbed at the walls to stop me from falling and happened to turn off the cold water, scorching me. FML

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By Kole - 13/1/2017 20:00

Today, I got the most painful neck cramp of my life after whipping my head back in laughter at something that wasn't even funny. FML

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By pandaboo - 29/7/2010 17:29 - United States

Today, I was staying over at my boyfriend's house, sleeping in his sister's room while she is away at college. I left my necklace on her dresser. When I came back, it was gone. His mother saw it there and thought it was her daughter's necklace. She hid it so I wouldn't "steal it". FML

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By S. Fancyson - 16/4/2013 23:23 - United States

Today, I gave my wife a birthday present. For months she'd been talking about an expensive treadmill that she wanted, so I bought it. Her reaction when she saw it was to yell, "YOU THINK I'M FAT!" and burst into tears. FML

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By Inconnu - 18/6/2011 05:13 - France

Today, I was holding my drunken friend's hair while she threw up in the toilet at a party. She said, crying, "Y'don't have to do this..." I told her that that's what friends are for. She replied, "Yeah, but I did sleep with your boyfriend..." FML

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By jerk_ex_boyfriend - 21/4/2013 13:33 - United States - Narberth

Today, I overheard my boyfriend talking to his mom about me. It sounded like they were planning something for me, like a marriage. They were planning how to break up with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2011 07:38 - United States

Today, I got my car back from the shop. The engine has been rebuilt twice in the past 3 months. My check engine light just came on. FML

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By awskme - 9/1/2010 00:36 - France

Today, I was having passionate sex with my girlfiend of nine months. She's making a lot of noise so I tell her to keep it down and remind her my parents and sister downstairs. A few minutes later I get a text from my sister saying my parents want to make sure I'm wearing a condom. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/11/2018 03:00

Today, I took my date home for sex after quite a long dry spell. As he took off his shoes, I was hit right in the nose by the most disgusting foot odour I've ever encountered. It was so bad I forgot all about sex and threw him out. That was 3 hours ago and I can still smell it on the carpet. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/1/2016 19:12 - United States - Watonga

Today, I was feeling terrible and posted on Facebook about how I was stressed out and feeling really lonely. My sister replied saying "#fatfuckproblems". 13 people liked it and some so-called friends posted stuff like "rekt" and "SLAYED, bitch!", all in less than a minute. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/4/2011 15:30 - United States

Today, I finally found a reason to quit smoking. I threw my cigarette butt out the window and it blew back in, went down the back of my pants, and burnt my butt in 3 different places. FML

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By sad_unicorn - 31/7/2016 04:51

Today, my mother in law likes to baby my partner. Gets him drinks, kisses him on the forehead, talks to him like he's 8, does everything for him. And she gives me death stares, especially when she hugs him when I'm around. FML

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Top comments

By Thoureau | 0

#682048 - Saturday 21 November 2009 13:03

I wonder what was said afterwards...

"Uhhhh, Ismaeliqua..."

"What, he's a fucking greasy-haired, pizza-faced loser who's made me fake it for him every time we've done it, but if I'm straightforward about it, he might go into a whinefest and kill himself."

*Other friend points to you*

"How is he behind me? I can smell his sweaty ass from space. Hell, I can smell him over...the...phone." *Turns to see you at the last part* "Hey sweetie! I didn't notice you there!"

But yeah man, FYL.

By malakian_fml | 0

#682043 - Saturday 21 November 2009 12:55

"least u don't have to go through that akward break up" - It sounded like a pretty damn awkward break up to me...

Comments

By Hurt16 | 0

#682029 - Saturday 21 November 2009 12:30

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Reyo | 2

#682897 - Sunday 22 November 2009 7:54

That's when you say "uh...I have one."

Reply

crazytoaster | 2

#683086 - Sunday 22 November 2009 11:47

Two options:

1) Break up with her first, claim she was just something you used for sex.

2) Crush her in the bear hug, pretend it was an accident.

Reply

UnluckyDom | 0

#974136 - Monday 5 April 2010 1:04

Say, "here's one, let him hear!" then punch her face.

:D

Reply

missmontreal97 | 4

#1290260 - Monday 23 August 2010 15:45

awwwww poor op

Reply

senalina | 0

#2470659 - Saturday 7 May 2011 3:46

i would have been like you just figured that out in less then 10 seconds bizotch and walked off like nothing happend

By OLOtheDemigodess | 0

#682040 - Saturday 21 November 2009 12:46

..OUCH.
fyl D:

Reply

monkeyy22 | 6

#1357089 - Sunday 5 September 2010 20:22

damnn
awkward

By Williii_fml | 0

#682041 - Saturday 21 November 2009 12:47

:( keel hur

Reply

wiredream | 0

#941412 - Saturday 13 March 2010 5:45

lol agree
she's mean, I hope you find a better girlfriend OP :/

Reply

farhil | 14

#3380485 - Monday 3 October 2011 4:54

How is this mean? She was just asking how she should break up with him. If she was mean she would have just walked up to him and broke it off like she didn't care about his feelings. But logic tells us she did care

By malakian_fml | 0

#682043 - Saturday 21 November 2009 12:55

"least u don't have to go through that akward break up" - It sounded like a pretty damn awkward break up to me...

By floobl11121 | 0

#682047 - Saturday 21 November 2009 13:03

owch sorry

By Thoureau | 0

#682048 - Saturday 21 November 2009 13:03

I wonder what was said afterwards...

"Uhhhh, Ismaeliqua..."

"What, he's a fucking greasy-haired, pizza-faced loser who's made me fake it for him every time we've done it, but if I'm straightforward about it, he might go into a whinefest and kill himself."

*Other friend points to you*

"How is he behind me? I can smell his sweaty ass from space. Hell, I can smell him over...the...phone." *Turns to see you at the last part* "Hey sweetie! I didn't notice you there!"

But yeah man, FYL.

Reply

analo_fml | 8

#682085 - Saturday 21 November 2009 14:21

ROFL IMAO!

Reply

SirensMelody | 0

#682611 - Sunday 22 November 2009 2:56

LOL.

Reply

corporatescoundr | 25

#2470589 - Saturday 7 May 2011 3:27

most definitely how it went!

By mylifestoryy | 6

#682057 - Saturday 21 November 2009 13:14

Just be like Ill show you how to do it then be like " I dont want to go out with you anymore because you're an ass."

By LoveDemon | 19

#682071 - Saturday 21 November 2009 13:48

Looks like you were the one surprised !!! :D

By Attrox | 0

#682072 - Saturday 21 November 2009 13:49

It seems she doesn't like pedobear hugs.

Consider a change of tactics.

By xoxcinderellaxox | 0

#682081 - Saturday 21 November 2009 14:09

tell her she doesnt have to coz you're breaking up with her instead!