Kids: Today, I think my unborn child has developed a sense of humour.... - FML

By Spraylady - United Kingdom

Today, I think my unborn child has developed a sense of humour. The little cherub is usually very calm, but must have realised that if he/she kicks me hard enough in this particular place near my bladder, I'll piss myself on the spot like a race horse. It's happened twice now. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21088

You deserved it

1735

Tweet

Share

The smell detective is on the case

Vulture

Evil eye doctor

By lydia - 1/7/2020 08:08

Like that's an excuse

Today, my mother screamed at me because she thinks I peed on the toilet seat. Not my dad, me. I’m a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1394

You deserved it

124

Tweet

Share

By adults acting like children - United States - Danvers

Today, it's been almost two weeks since any of my relatives have talked to me. They are still mad because I didn't go on a Labor Day trip with them and I've found out why. Apparently, they had plans for me to babysit my younger cousins any time they wanted to do something fun. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13816

You deserved it

767

Tweet

Share

By tash - Canada

Today, while I was mowing the lawn in my backyard, I ran over a glass bottle. My legs looked like a disco ball. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40884

You deserved it

9439

Tweet

Share

By oops - United States

Today, I saw a moth trapped in a spider web. Feeling gracious, I gently freed it, and then took it to the window to let it out. When I opened the window to set him free, my $300 air conditioner fell two stories and smashed on the sidewalk. The moth flew away. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14669

You deserved it

36112

Tweet

Share

By Renna303

Today, I dropped my 6-month-old $3,500 guitar. Luckily, it had a one year warranty from the store so I drove back. It was shut down. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3708

You deserved it

522

Tweet

Share

By Eric

Shut up and take it

Today my college professor told me that I ask him too many questions. Apparently, my college tuition fee doesn't include learning. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1522

You deserved it

212

Tweet

Share

By Noj12345 - United States

Today, after finishing work, my friend was having a party next door and my driveway was blocked. I parked 6 houses down and went to the party for 20mins. After coming out after 3 beers, I went to move my car back to my house and go to sleep. I got a DUI for driving 30 feet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18257

You deserved it

57006

Tweet

Share

By Arielle - Australia

Today, I went to the hospital emergency room to visit my boyfriend who had badly sliced his leg open. It ended with me being admitted with a possible head trauma, after hitting my head on the wall and floor as I collapsed at the sight of his wound. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26512

You deserved it

4379

Tweet

Share

By N O - Canada - Granton

Today, my husband thought it would be hilarious to slip a little fake blood into the bathtub while I was relaxing in it, eyes closed. When I opened my eyes, the water was one big cloud of red. I screamed so loud that I might as well have been dying, and yes, he recorded everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53295

You deserved it

6928

Tweet

Share

By sad_gay - United States

Today, I went to a bar with two guys I was interested in. The first I'd been trying to go out with all semester. The second I had gone to dinner with and he seemed nice. I was the designated driver. They drank too much and, on the way home, hooked up in the back seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

108027

You deserved it

16936

Tweet

Share

By alejita - United States

Today, I overheard my daughter compliment my mother by saying "My mom is way flabbier than you, Grandma." When I told her later that she hurt my feelings, she told me to "man up." She's seven. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56036

You deserved it

9805

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to give a 63 year old man a shot. He started bawling before I even brought out the needle. I tried to get him calm down. Then he grabbed the needle, threw it at me and ran out the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34696

You deserved it

3210

Tweet

Share

By lizard - United States

Whiff

Today, the guy who got off when the elevator's doors opened had a very embarrassed look on his face. I didn't think anything of it till the doors closed. Turns out he was running away from his deadly fart. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29362

You deserved it

3062

Tweet

Share

By achoooo - United States

Today, to celebrate moving into a new apartment, my girlfriend decided she would get a kitten. She didn't know I'm allergic to cats. When I told her, she decided that she couldn't date someone who couldn't be around her cat; the one she doesn't have yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35331

You deserved it

2990

Tweet

Share

By penguinsfan - Canada

Today, I had to pee badly. I went into a stall and sat down. Only until after I'd peed, I realized that I didn't have any toilet paper. I waddled to the next stall with my pants down to get more toilet paper, believing that the bathroom was empty. It wasn't. FML

I agree, your life sucks

18078

You deserved it

53685

Tweet

Share

By Romantic - United States

Today, I came home from a long day at work to find a path of rose pedals from the front door. Gasping with surprise, I followed it past the living room... past the bedroom... into the kitchen, where there was a note that said "Friends coming over tonight, we need food, love you!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

36096

You deserved it

4131

Tweet

Share

By Schaf_12 - Austria - Vienna

Today, I trimmed my beard. When I showed my wife, she said, "Yeah, but you still look like a serial killer." FML

I agree, your life sucks

24863

You deserved it

5142

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I'd stayed up all night to finish a detailed report. By the time I'd printed it I was late for work so I jumped in my car. Driving down the street, I saw my papers fly off the roof of my car. It was raining out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22154

You deserved it

8131

Tweet

Share

By cjy152 - United States

Today, I found out that my stalker ex-girlfriend named her new born son after me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40482

You deserved it

3594

Tweet

Share

By stutterernotschizophrenic

Today, I was alone in my dorm room rehearsing comments to make in my writing class tomorrow. I grew up with a severe stutter, and rehearsing like this is one of the ways I keep my speech under control. What I didn't plan on was my roommate walking in. I think she now thinks I'm schizophrenic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26698

You deserved it

2967

Tweet

Share

By shitface - United States - Arlington

Shared towel

Today, after I took a shower, I was wiping my face with the towel I share with my sister. It smelled peculiar, so I took my face away and looked at it. Turns out, I was wiping my face on a huge shit stain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1980

You deserved it

1179

Tweet

Share

By badhairday - United States

Today, was a nice day, so I opened the sunroof and all the windows in my car. My hair started flying around and at one point it went out the sunroof. My friends thought it would be funny to close my hair in the sunroof. They laughed until they couldn't open it up again. It short-circuited. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44746

You deserved it

3395

Tweet

Share

By springbreak09 - Mexico

Today, I left for vacation in Mexico. Upon landing, I received a text message from the guy I've been seeing. It read, "Sorry, I'm not boyfriend material. Have a good trip." I paid 75 cents to get dumped, internationally. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57806

You deserved it

5632

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Kent

Today, I went on a trip to Cleveland. After getting lunch, my brother and I started walking back to my car. Halfway there, we were jumped, threatened with a knife, and yelled at to hand over our money. The only thing my brother could do was ask our mugger, "Uh, what gender are you?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

41818

You deserved it

3681

Tweet

Share

By sorry :/ - United States - Monroe Township

Today, my drunk mom told me to apologize for being born. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37962

You deserved it

2991

Tweet

Share

By kids next door - United States - Mount Holly

Today, some kids used firecrackers to blow up my mailbox. This is the third time this week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

42202

You deserved it

3674

Tweet

Share

By random - United States

Today, I got my hair dyed at a fancy salon. While the stylist was pulling out the foils in my hair I sat up and started screaming in pain because the hot foils were burning my scalp. All she said was "oh, you're fine". I went back home to find an oozing burn wound on my scalp. FML

I agree, your life sucks

65904

You deserved it

4307

Tweet

Share

By cuppincake - Australia

Today, I decided to tell my husband our marriage was over after I found out that he'd not only been stealing from me, but he'd also been downloading child porn. He then asked if we could break up but live in the same house so I could help pay his bills. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47124

You deserved it

3468

Tweet

Share

By Thai rice mistake - United States - Oakland

Today, I was super hungry and went to a Thai restaurant. The waitress left two small bowls of fried rice on the counter, and I thought they were for me. I ate one and a lady came over screaming. Apparently the small cups of rice was part of a religious ceremony. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30721

You deserved it

18938

Tweet

Share

By Ross R - United States - Richland

Today, I decided to cover a coworker's closing shift because she felt sick. My boss even gave me a $10 gift card for doing it. I felt good about it, until I walked outside and found that my car had been stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38144

You deserved it

2379

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I proudly gave my grandma a picture I had drawn for her. She didn't seem thrilled with it, and afterwards the rest of my family seemed upset. Nobody could fathom why I drew grandma a picture of a graveyard for her 85th birthday. It was suppose to be a bridge. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29880

You deserved it

6856

Tweet

Share

By Jeff - United States

Today, I went out to lunch with my girlfriend. I asked if she was going to finish her meal, hoping to steal a bite or two. She somehow took this as me calling her fat, threw her drink at me, and stormed off. I just wanted some steak. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52502

You deserved it

11764

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 31/12/2020 14:02

Denied

Today, I asked a girl for her number and I wrote it down when she gave it to me. When I called her, it wasn't her. She'd given me a restaurant's phone number. FML

I agree, your life sucks

671

You deserved it

270

Tweet

Share

By Fartnonymous - Qatar - Doha

Today, it's been a week since I started farting in my sleep for no apparent reason. It's so frequent and so foul-smelling that my husband and I are both losing sleep and are having to take afternoon naps to make up for it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22586

You deserved it

2643

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Decatur

Today, my daughter, who was born in late 2000, mentioned how amazing it is that she'll be alive during the year 3000. I asked her exactly how old she thinks she'll be by then. She said, "Thirty, duh." I've screwed up as a parent, so very badly. FML

I agree, your life sucks

63559

You deserved it

15860

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my bladder decided to empty itself while I was on a rollercoaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37200

You deserved it

10675

Tweet

Share

By Mightytall

It's always when your hands are full that your nose starts to itch

Today, I found the perfect position on the couch, both feet up comfortably and my two cats curled up in my lap. Then, my foot started to itch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1225

You deserved it

216

Tweet

Share

By FLIPmcCOOL - Ireland - Cork

Today, I accidentally said the wrong name during sex. That name just happened to be "Sarah", which is both my ex-girlfriend's name and my wife's sister's name. When she asked me which one I meant, I panicked and said, "Both." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38034

You deserved it

60198

Tweet

Share

By motherfuck666 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend's mom got him a shitload of Axe for his birthday. Now I get nauseous whenever I go near him. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45801

You deserved it

5472

Tweet

Share

By Lasko - United States

Today, I found out that just because you collapse from dehydration on the sidewalk, it doesn't mean people are going to stop driving to see if you're okay, even if they saw you fall. FML

I agree, your life sucks

50119

You deserved it

6897

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By Harri20n | 9

#6549309 - Tuesday 1 March 2016 12:07

Ah kids.

By jakers8424 | 18

#6549306 - Tuesday 1 March 2016 12:03

Hilarious

COMMENTS

By jakers8424 | 18

#6549306 - Tuesday 1 March 2016 12:03

Hilarious

Reply

Avi8r | 22

#6549932 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 0:31

Be happy it's just that, before I was born I broke my mom's pelvis because I kicked it so hard.

By Harri20n | 9

#6549309 - Tuesday 1 March 2016 12:07

Ah kids.

By swag_bear | 18

#6549310 - Tuesday 1 March 2016 12:08

Well try not to wear your best clothes from now on

By Hunter_the_Ninja | 22

#6549311 - Tuesday 1 March 2016 12:09

I feel like this is the kind of thing I would have done if I was conscious in the womb.

Reply

i_wuz_nver_here | 31

#6549910 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 0:04

IF

By Neekovolwf | 22

#6549318 - Tuesday 1 March 2016 12:22

Maybe one day he will be a standup comedian and recount the tales of his days in the womb

By danceinconverse | 25

#6549332 - Tuesday 1 March 2016 12:40

Better start wearing extra thick pads...

Reply

mswim | 27

#6550043 - Wednesday 2 March 2016 3:09

Or adult diapers.

By DocBastard | 38

#6549351 - Tuesday 1 March 2016 13:20

Not to worry - after it's born it'll only get more evil. Exponentially.

By tomvertigo | 17

#6549389 - Tuesday 1 March 2016 14:02

First of all - sat name for, hahaha. Im guessing you is your first? The whole passing yourself thing isn't uncommon at all. Still sucks though.

By kyu_Q | 19

#6549436 - Tuesday 1 March 2016 14:43

are you sure you're not squirting?

Reply

SpyroMello | 29

#6549500 - Tuesday 1 March 2016 15:51

I would think you would know what pissing feels like by that age so I'm pretty sure she really is pissing herself.

Reply

bandaidstations | 28

#6549661 - Tuesday 1 March 2016 18:46

Yeah sure, her baby is giving her intense orgasms. Come on!

Reply

tomvertigo | 17

#6549669 - Tuesday 1 March 2016 18:57

...I cant even. Why? Pissing yourself is common in pregnancy.

By MandieL | 27

#6549474 - Tuesday 1 March 2016 15:31

Depends are a wonderful thing! I know it sounds weird and can make you feel like an incontinent old lady, but they were a life saver in the third semester, and for after the baby is born. They make them now where they really don't look like diapers when you're wearing them. I hope your pregnancy is treating you well otherwise!