Kids: Today, I think my unborn child has developed a sense of humour....

By Spraylady - 29/02/2016 21:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I think my unborn child has developed a sense of humour. The little cherub is usually very calm, but must have realised that if he/she kicks me hard enough in this particular place near my bladder, I'll piss myself on the spot like a race horse. It's happened twice now. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 109

You deserved it 1 739

Kids

Hiding from the drama

Good kid

Compromises

By fucked - 06/02/2015 08:06 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, in a desperate attempt to get fired, I sent a sexual love letter to my boss. We're going on our first date tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 998

You deserved it 40 414

By belladonna - 26/02/2009 22:21 - United States

Today, I took the subway. The man sitting across from me would not stop staring at my breasts, so when the train came to my stop, I said, "Nothing to see now, asshole." Then I noticed his white walking stick as he got up to get off. He was blind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 193

You deserved it 79 143

By 242795 - 24/09/2016 06:12 - United States - Buies Creek

Today, after finally deciding to push past my extreme shyness, I talked to the person beside me in class. I was so nervous that when I went to take a sip of my coffee, it slipped out of my hand and splashed all over both of us. Not only did I ruin her white dress, but I also gave her mild burns. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 198

You deserved it 1 397

By sorryyouweregone - 25/03/2013 13:13 - Japan - Tokyo

Today, I was at a goodbye dinner with friends before I move back to America. A friend called to cry over relationship problems she refuses to fix. While I was outside trying to politely get off the phone, my friends ate and drank everything I'd ordered and closed the bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 186

You deserved it 6 153

By supersmashpika - 18/07/2015 06:01 - United States - Hershey

Today, while walking down the street, a truck hit a puddle and splashed me with water. After I cursed and flipped him off, he put his truck in reverse and splashed me again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 150

You deserved it 9 727

By Anonymous - 17/11/2016 03:39 - Australia - Cardiff

Today, upon applying for a new job to leave my old crappy job I was informed by my new potential employer that he was unable to hire me because he is friends with my current boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 933

You deserved it 708

By pkz - 31/01/2010 02:11 - France

Today, I found out that my husband of five years was living a double life. He and his mistress have two children together and a third one on the way. He told me the only reason he stayed with me was for my money. I make about 8 dollars an hour and work two jobs to make ends meet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 964

You deserved it 2 882

By moresexperience - 11/09/2009 12:26 - United States

Today, I had dinner with my girlfriend of five months along with my mom and dad. Everything was going fine until my mom asked aloud "Everything going smooth for you in the bedroom?" to which my girlfriend replied "No." I was painting the master bedroom at my parent's house for some extra cash. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 117

You deserved it 4 243

By Jimbo - 25/05/2010 09:29 - United States

Today, I came home on leave after a seven month deployment in the middle of the ocean for the Navy. My entire region got hit by the worst flood in recorded history. I need a speedboat to go to the Quick-e-mart. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 271

You deserved it 2 788

By Forgetable - 21/04/2011 05:27 - United States

Today, a coworker introduced herself to me and told me she hopes I enjoy my new job. We've worked in the same building for two years. I say hello every time I see her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 044

You deserved it 3 004

By dogh8er - 18/12/2011 19:31 - United States

Today, after spending hours wrapping the presents for Christmas, I came back into the room to find that my dog had lost his toy, knocked over all the presents, and was frantically ripping at everything to find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 073

You deserved it 3 524

Who the fuck are you?

By Anonymous - 18/10/2020 02:02

Today, I finally mustered up the courage to send a message to the girl I've been crushing on for years. I'm now blocked. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 007

You deserved it 174

By anon - 31/07/2010 17:04 - Canada

Today, I walked in on my cat trying to mate with my favorite sweater. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 143

You deserved it 6 965

Drunk confession time

By Anonymous - 20/08/2021 18:01

Today, I'm cat sitting for some friends. Their whiskey selection is well curated and top notch. I grabbed a bottle that I thought was the cheapest, I ended getting drunk on a $500 bottle. I’m going to have to fill it with a lesser brand. FML

I agree, your life sucks 156

You deserved it 1 732

By UnluckyTeen - 22/10/2009 11:29 - Singapore

Today, I went to retrieve my stolen wallet from the train station. After I collected it, I returned to the place where I parked my bike to find that my bike had been stolen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 789

You deserved it 3 396

By Snurkles - 07/07/2011 12:19 - Canada

Today, it's my birthday. I got a phone call from my high school bully, to remind me that he'll always be able to find me and do whatever he wants to me. He does this every year. I turn 34 today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 018

You deserved it 7 062

By God hates me - 26/01/2009 00:14 - United States

Today, the pharmacy lady wished me a happy birthday. I was buying the morning after pill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 046

You deserved it 8 214

By dooommage - 15/11/2008 03:27 - France

Today, I was teasing my cat with a piece of string when suddenly my phone rang. I answered it with one hand and put the string down with the other onto my lap. The beast seized the opportunity to spring, claws out, onto my privates. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 039

You deserved it 14 964

By xoragebaby - 24/01/2015 01:29 - United States

Today, I realized my job working with food is getting to me. While having sex with my boyfriend, I fell asleep. He asked me what I was doing, and apparently I sleep-talked, saying "I'm chopping lettuce". FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 620

You deserved it 5 007

By Catherine - 23/05/2011 19:33 - United States

Today, I had to go to the emergency room with vision problems. The nurse was helping my mom fill out the paperwork. When asked for her employer, my mom started trying to sell the nurse Aflac, and got into a serious 10 minute conversation about it, all while I'm going blind in my left eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 408

You deserved it 3 180

By Anonymous - 22/11/2013 20:51 - United States - Lake Stevens

Today, my father took revenge on me for bankrupting him in a game of Monopoly. His revenge consisted of having a truckload of sand dumped in my driveway while I was at work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 227

You deserved it 3 642

By bigdaddy - 16/07/2009 03:53 - United States

Today, I went out to a nice restaurant with my extended family. It was expensive, and when the bill came, I whispered to my brother, "We may need to make this one a Chew and Screw". When the waitress came back to the table, my five year old son decided to ask aloud "What's Chew and Screw?". FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 205

You deserved it 66 389

By mikep - 02/02/2009 03:22 - Netherlands

Today, I asked my mother if she thought my cat was getting fat. She replied "It's not the cat you should worry about". FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 257

You deserved it 5 570

By thefailwhale - 16/06/2012 04:58 - United States - Hartford

Today, it was my birthday. When my crush spotted me in the hallway and wished me a Happy Birthday, my nerves got the best of me and I blurted, "You too". FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 969

You deserved it 5 311

Talk about not getting the picture…

By Anonymous - 28/02/2017 19:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I finally worked up the courage to break up with my boyfriend. His parents weren't able to pick him up for 5 hours. I ended up taking him to a movie to kill time and end on a positive note, but now he thinks we're cool and back on track. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 397

You deserved it 1 990

By Anonymous - 31/07/2009 15:10 - Australia

Today, I discovered my wife has been smoking weed for the past 2 years before she has sex with me. She said it was the only way she could force herself to have sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 69 576

You deserved it 7 145

Teenagers

By Chuncan Duncan - 01/04/2021 15:59 - United Kingdom

Today, my wife and I can’t decide if we should force my stepson to wait when he rudely demands something, in the hope he’ll learn patience and some manners, or just give him what he wants so he’ll go away and stop making us miserable. He’s 13. FML

I agree, your life sucks 292

You deserved it 1 162

Double header

By I hope you fucking die, you pussy!!!! - 17/06/2021 08:01

Today, I drove to return a PC that my former company lent me to work at home, because I quit that job so won't be working there anymore. On my way to the office, I was robbed of both my car and the computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 938

You deserved it 58

By N O - 27/05/2014 18:47 - Canada - Granton

Today, my husband thought it would be hilarious to slip a little fake blood into the bathtub while I was relaxing in it, eyes closed. When I opened my eyes, the water was one big cloud of red. I screamed so loud that I might as well have been dying, and yes, he recorded everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 322

You deserved it 6 933

By tbeemcgeebee - 01/08/2010 05:05 - United States

Today, at 2 am on a Saturday, I purposely updated my Facebook status from my iPod so people will see that I posted from a 'mobile device' and think I'm out at a bar having a life, instead of sitting at home on my bed watching movies on my Netflix. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 906

You deserved it 33 566

By Anonymous - 04/08/2016 21:25

Today, I made myself a snack. I took a seemingly clean plate from the sink which had been used earlier for scrambled eggs. Only after I'd made the snack did I remember I let my dog lick the plate clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 973

You deserved it 15 458

By Kolkata - 05/08/2012 23:25 - Canada

Today, my son surprised me on my birthday with tickets to a concert I really wanted to see. I was excited, especially since I planned to buy them but couldn't due to the fact it was too expensive. I was ecstatic, until I found out he'd stolen my credit card to buy them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 543

You deserved it 2 311

By Anonymous - 08/04/2013 08:30

Today, I had a lunch meeting with important people from my company. While drinking from my wine glass someone cracked a joke, causing me to snort a fountain of wine all over my lap, splashing the people next to me. The horrified look on my boss's face sitting opposite me said everything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 186

You deserved it 5 548

By Anonymous - 11/02/2013 07:46 - United States - Denton

Today, I checked out a "confessions" page for my university. The first confession was from a guy who whacked off in a campus restroom then used a computer in a lab without washing his hands. I work in that lab. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 352

You deserved it 3 377

Eastenders

By Amrit - 03/04/2021 01:01 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out that a few years ago, when I lost my kids to my ex-wife, it was because my current wife secretly hated having to be their stepmom, so she conspired with my ex to ruin the custody hearing in my ex's favour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 744

You deserved it 152

By Anonymous - 29/08/2011 05:15 - United States

Today, while at my boyfriend's cousin's birthday party, I was hanging around with his sister as I didn't know anyone. She was talking to some friends when one of them asked her, "So, is your brother still going out with that crazy chick?" Her answer was to introduce me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 398

You deserved it 4 339

By Wellthen - 28/07/2016 01:07

Today, I was fired from my job. Not because I don't do a good job but because my boss didn't feel it was appropriate to have an affair with my wife and have to face me everyday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 316

You deserved it 1 447

By Anonymous - 05/12/2010 01:28 - United States

Today, I found out my wife is pregnant. The problem is she convinced me to get a vasectomy two years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 356

You deserved it 3 951

By pk24 - 25/02/2009 23:46 - United States

Today, I decided to try and call into a local radio station to try and win concert tickets for one of my favorite bands. I called in and was actually the winning number. When asked my name I answered quickly, but all I heard was "Hello? Hello?" Then they hung up. My cell phone was on mute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 289

You deserved it 16 536

By Anonymous - 26/08/2011 23:06 - United States

Today, the workplace evacuation bell sounded. Out of panic after the recent earthquake, I ran down 21 flights of stairs, only to find out it was a false alarm. My legs are on fire, and I can barely walk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 325

You deserved it 22 662

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Top comments

Harri20n 9

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Tuesday 1 March 2016 12:07

Ah kids.

jakers8424 18

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Tuesday 1 March 2016 12:03

Hilarious

jakers8424 18

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Tuesday 1 March 2016 12:03

Hilarious

Avi8r 22

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Wednesday 2 March 2016 0:31

Be happy it's just that, before I was born I broke my mom's pelvis because I kicked it so hard.

Harri20n 9

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Tuesday 1 March 2016 12:07

Ah kids.

swag_bear 18

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Tuesday 1 March 2016 12:08

Well try not to wear your best clothes from now on

Hunter_the_Ninja 22

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Tuesday 1 March 2016 12:09

I feel like this is the kind of thing I would have done if I was conscious in the womb.

i_wuz_nver_here 31

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Wednesday 2 March 2016 0:04

Neekovolwf 22

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Tuesday 1 March 2016 12:22

Maybe one day he will be a standup comedian and recount the tales of his days in the womb

danceinconverse 25

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Tuesday 1 March 2016 12:40

Better start wearing extra thick pads...

mswim 27

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Wednesday 2 March 2016 3:09

Or adult diapers.

DocBastard 38

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Tuesday 1 March 2016 13:20

Not to worry - after it's born it'll only get more evil. Exponentially.

tomvertigo 17

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Tuesday 1 March 2016 14:02

First of all - sat name for, hahaha. Im guessing you is your first? The whole passing yourself thing isn't uncommon at all. Still sucks though.

kyu_Q 19

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Tuesday 1 March 2016 14:43

are you sure you're not squirting?

SpyroMello 29

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Tuesday 1 March 2016 15:51

I would think you would know what pissing feels like by that age so I'm pretty sure she really is pissing herself.

bandaidstations 28

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Tuesday 1 March 2016 18:46

Yeah sure, her baby is giving her intense orgasms. Come on!

tomvertigo 17

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Tuesday 1 March 2016 18:57

...I cant even. Why? Pissing yourself is common in pregnancy.

MandieL 27

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Tuesday 1 March 2016 15:31

Depends are a wonderful thing! I know it sounds weird and can make you feel like an incontinent old lady, but they were a life saver in the third semester, and for after the baby is born. They make them now where they really don't look like diapers when you're wearing them. I hope your pregnancy is treating you well otherwise!