Miscellaneous: Today, I taught my younger cousins a more effective way to brush... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I taught my younger cousins a more effective way to brush their teeth. Tonight when I was getting them ready for bed I asked them why they weren't brushing their teeth like I taught them to. The littlest one replied "Daddy said if we do then we'll have ugly teeth like yours." FML

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Proactive

Taking stock

Messed up

By Anonymous - 3/3/2021 05:01

Lookin' good

Today, I was sitting in the bus station when an old woman looked over at me, then said to her friend, "Young women are so pretty these days." Her friend looked up at me and said, "That's because makeup is so cheap these days." FML

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By no sleep for me

Today, I tried to get my boyfriend to roll over while he was asleep. He snores loud enough to wake the neighbors and if he lays on his side he usually stops. Instead of rolling over, he stuck his leg in the air, farted twice, and laughed about it in his sleep. He's still snoring. FML

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By doomed - United States

Today, I got a letter from my mother-in-law stating that demons made her spread rumors about me all over my hometown before my wedding. FML

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By whoops - 3/10/2020 05:06

Trans women are women

Today, my son brought his new girlfriend home. I took him aside and hugged him, reassuring him that I loved and accepted him no matter his sexual preference. He looked at me confused and asked what I meant. His girl was obviously trans, but he had no idea. I didn’t know he didn’t know. FML

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By worsethanzombies - Spain

Today, my car crashed and the only refuge was at a nearby house, the resident of which was a crazy psycho. Now replace "crazy psycho" with "crazy ex-girlfriend who won't help you unless you compose a poem about how much you love her." FML

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By theapplesleader - United States - Washington

Yucky!

Today, I picked my dog up and nibbled her ear. On the tip of her ear was a large tick, which burst, sending blood into my mouth. FML

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By jasonvanr - South Africa - Pretoria

Today, a woman kindly asked if she might take a photo of her son in our cowboy boots. Thinking it couldn't do much harm, I agreed. Ten minutes later there was a butt naked three year-old and his entire family taking pictures in my shoe store. My manager wasn't impressed. FML

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By oofouchmyvagooter

The Rupture

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time in over a week, because I had been having weird cramps. Afterwards, I was experiencing the worst pain I’ve felt in my entire life, so we went to the ER. Turns out my cramping was from an ovarian cyst, and having sex made it rupture. FML

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By meganridner - United States

Today, I went mud wrestling for the first time at a mud bog. After a day of fun and getting cleaned up, I realized that my mom's ring was no longer on my finger. FML

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By pregnant loser apparently - United States - Franklin

Today, my parents posted on Facebook that they were excited that my sister was pregnant and couldn't wait to be grandparents. Last week I told them that I, a 33-year-old happily married woman, was pregnant and they told me I was ruining my life and encouraged me to have an abortion. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Atwater

Today, my husband and I were getting frisky. All was going well until I decided to go down on him, causing him to freak out, thinking I was going for his butt, ending the night with a black eye from being knee'd in the face. FML

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By confusedcatlover - United Kingdom - London

Today, I walked in on my husband eating cat food out of the cat bowl dressed in a cat costume. FML

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By thebigguy

Today, as it's been a long time since I've been with a woman, I decided to enlist the services of an escort. Upon my arrival, she looked at me and said, "Honey, we are going to need a bottle of whiskey and an extra $100." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was woken up early in the morning by the sound of my mother frantically crying out for help. Apparently she had tried, unsuccessfully, to "end the suffering" of an injured squirrel by drowning it in the toilet. How? By placing it into the bowl and smothering it with clothes. My clothes. FML

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By ShakeRattleHiss - Canada

Today, it's been 5 years I've been working for a man that won't admit he has Tourette's. He sits at his desk, twitching his head and hissing like a snake. He's also randomly said things like 'nipples', 'Jessica Simpson', 'potato peeler', etc. I feel like it's become my job to warn new employees. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me it wasn't working out and he was breaking up with me. The reason? I have the same first and last name as a very unpopular girl, and he gets embarrassed when people mistakenly assume he's going out with her. FML

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By j0hn - United States

Today, I saw my mom sneaking meat into her spaghetti sauce. She told me she sneaks meat into most of the food she cooks. I've been a vegetarian for 8 years. FML

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By babymomma - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 5 years broke up with me. Why? Our one month old's hair is growing in blonde, and we both have dark hair. Did I cheat? No. I had blonde hair as a child until I was 4... As did every one else born in my family. I guess this factor doesn't count when you're paranoid. FML

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By misty - Canada

Today, after checking in and waiting 3 hours to see the doctor, the receptionist said she forgot about me because she didn't see me. She asked me to come back tomorrow. I was sitting right in front of her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I slipped and sprained my ankle while shopping for a present for my husband, who later came home and tripped over my elevated leg, hurting my ankle again. Now I have an excruciating sprain, and a spouse who's furious at me because "I shouldn't have tried to surprise him." FML

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By ThisIsMyLife

Flowers (Nothing But)

Today, I bought flowers with my groceries at the grocery store. After the cashier scanned them, he handed them back to me so they wouldn't get crushed in my cart. It was then that I realized he's the first man to ever hand me flowers. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Calgary

Today, I discovered that one of our cats is super creepy. He humps the blankets on my mother's bed while staring at her while she's sleeping. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2020 17:02 - United States - San Mateo

What's up, doc?

Today, I was spending time with my affectionate pet rabbit. He was hanging out with me on my bed as usual. After I finished giving him a long and thorough head rub, he thanked me by emptying his bladder on my leg. What is that, marking me as his property? True affection. FML

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By sigh - United States - Charlotte

Today, my new neighbor offered to "humanely capture and relocate" the squirrels in my attic. He then "humanely" shot at them with a BB gun, and the "relocated" them into his stomach once they were killed. Welcome to the neighborhood. FML

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By lonelyguy - Puerto Rico

Today, I invited my crush to come and spend thanksgiving dinner with me and my family, she agreed but asked me if she could bring her friend. Turns out her "friend" was actually her boyfriend and they drank all the expensive wine I bought. FML

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By undoable - United States

Today, I was doing it with my girlfriend. Trying to be sexy, I moaned her name. She replied, "What?" FML

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By spaghett - United States - Brooklyn

Today, after jumping into a public swimming pool, the female lifeguard, who I have had a crush on for years whistled at me. When I got out of the water, she handed me the bathing suit I'd apparently lost. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finished the first month of a diet and exercise program designed to help me lose weight. To keep myself motivated, I have avoided the scale the entire time. I weighed myself today. I've gained 6 pounds. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Sexy time

Today, I tried to be sexy and put a condom on with my mouth. Instead, I inhaled it and my boyfriend broke three of my ribs giving me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

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By Bookworm - United Kingdom - Singapore

Today, I was on the tram, when an elderly couple got on. I stood up to give them room to sit together, but as I stood up, the tram set off and I went flying, knocking the elderly gentleman over. FML

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By too good - United Kingdom - Dartford

Today, my boyfriend and I tried roleplaying a teacher-student during sex. We're both studying to be actors, so we ended up going into a really deep, emotional storyline that didn't end in sex at all. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to patiently listen as a customer nattered on and on about how incompetent I was for not stocking the movie she was looking for. It took nearly 20 minutes to get her to calm down long enough for me to explain that there is no such movie as "Hobbits With Shotguns". FML

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By tubedout - United States

Today, I learned that the four girls who I assumed were my girlfriends' good friends and whom she was always talking about were actually characters from the television show, "Sex and the City." My girlfriend has fictional friends. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found a camera someone left at our house. I looked at the pictures, and saw my grandma in a sexy outfit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that going back on birth control has made my acne go away and my boobs bigger. However, to my boyfriend's dismay, I've completely lost my sex drive. FML

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By Amanda Ross - United States

Today, I went to school in my brand new shirt. It was loose fitting and a bit thin, so I wore a sweatshirt on top, intending to take it in once inside. When I got to my seat, I took off my sweatshirt, but also took off my shirt with it, flashing my whole class. FML

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By Anonymous - India

Today, I received a letter from the state saying my 14-year-old daughter is now legally recognized as a male. I have no idea what happened. FML

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By doomeddaddy - United States

Today, my son learned how to use the toilet for the first time. He was so excited he started peeing on the floor. FML

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By poserpilot - United States - El Cajon

Today, I woke up after a night of drinking to find that while I was passed out someone stole my prosthetic leg. FML

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By Brandy_Dandy78 - United States

Today, I fell asleep as my family drove to church. No one bothered to say anything about the drawings my siblings drew on my face until after church ended. FML

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Top comments

By shamandalie_fml | 0

#660603 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:13

are you sure yours is a "more effective" way? :P

By jchansfan | 0

#660604 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:13

Aww, turn that frown upside down and smi- nevermind...

COMMENTS

By shamandalie_fml | 0

#660603 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:13

are you sure yours is a "more effective" way? :P

Reply

The_Pleb | 0

#660762 - Sunday 8 November 2009 16:02

SECOND!

Reply

nazooer | 11

#660887 - Sunday 8 November 2009 17:27

The_Pleb, do you know how annoying you are? Go diaf please.

Reply

StaticDown | 0

#660922 - Sunday 8 November 2009 18:12

I second that. I'm so sick and tired of people saying 'first' or 'second'. I have yet to see a FML post without that type of behavior.

Reply

Gneekman | 0

#661247 - Sunday 8 November 2009 22:41

Especially since he's not 2nd, he's 18th.

Reply

americayay | 0

#661473 - Monday 9 November 2009 1:33

I'm not only wondering if it's actually more effective, but maybe OP shouldn't be reteaching anyone else's kids anything.

By jchansfan | 0

#660604 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:13

Aww, turn that frown upside down and smi- nevermind...

Reply

growingupnextmon | 3

#660705 - Sunday 8 November 2009 14:53

haha snap!

Reply

breenarae25 | 0

#1429042 - Monday 20 September 2010 6:46

lolcakes!!

Reply

thepagal | 3

#3090790 - Friday 12 August 2011 5:59

fuck you

By Jeef27 | 0

#660614 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:17

daaaaaaang

By Good_old_Grim | 8

#660619 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:22

Well you totally deserve it for trying to destroy your kid's teeth and by extension their lives.

Reply

Macromartyr | 3

#1010907 - Saturday 29 May 2010 6:12

Oooookay I'm really really very very sure that brushing your teeth will NOT damage them. Obviously, the OP had bad teeth to start.

Reply

ObsessedWithGays | 7

#5317399 - Thursday 10 January 2013 10:03

Don't feed the troll.

By chellinha93 | 0

#660623 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:28

Wow great uncle you have...

By startrekker | 3

#660625 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:30

You sound stupid.

By kravitzz1990 | 0

#660627 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:32

that makes me wonder how the hell u brush ur teeth thats "more effective"?
do u brush ur teeth with hummus like zohan?

im disturbed!

By JellyMelly | 0

#660637 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:39

Well, I think you could have mentioned the condition/ appearance of your teeth in this fml.

By Ohnothingreally | 0

#660671 - Sunday 8 November 2009 14:01

Just brush the way dentists tell you to, that's the most effective.
Jeez.

By SusanaSaysRawrxD | 0

#660672 - Sunday 8 November 2009 14:01

Brushing your teeth with sugar and then rinsing with SunnyD is NOT more effective, OP. Just sayin'.