Miscellaneous: Today, I taught my younger cousins a more effective way to brush... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I taught my younger cousins a more effective way to brush their teeth. Tonight when I was getting them ready for bed I asked them why they weren't brushing their teeth like I taught them to. The littlest one replied "Daddy said if we do then we'll have ugly teeth like yours." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28404

You deserved it

7099

Tweet

Share

Dementia or hate? You decide

Commando

Running commentary

By what434 - United States

Today, I learned that you don't put your diamond earrings on over your bathroom sink. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11251

You deserved it

44434

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found my dad's porn stash on his laptop. I went through it for a laugh to see what kind of sick, twisted shit he's into. Mostly nude pictures of my mum, as it turns out. I can't wipe the afterimage from my mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12879

You deserved it

42495

Tweet

Share

By ugh - United States - Concord

Today, I told someone about my degree in technical theatre with a concentration in lighting design. They looked at me and said, "You're paid $52,000 a year to turn lights on and off?" And technically, that's correct. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47453

You deserved it

12464

Tweet

Share

By tamponmayhem - Canada

Today, my mother and I went to Wal-Mart to buy pads. I suggested I get tampons instead, so that I can go swimming at my boyfriend's cottage. My mother then goes to the nearest store employee and asks, "excuse me, if my daughter uses a tampon, does that mean she is no longer a virgin?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

205027

You deserved it

15352

Tweet

Share

By vinniesuckmadack - United States

Today, I woke up to go to school. I was unbelievably tired, but I gathered the courage to go take my shower. I then took a long shower, cleaned up my room, got dressed, and ate breakfast. Going back to my room, I looked at the clock, which read 3:22 AM. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47379

You deserved it

37918

Tweet

Share

By rita

Today, my 10-year-old daughter hid in her closet all day and did not come out. The reason? She didn't want to eat my pot roast. I didn't realize my cooking was that bad. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3730

You deserved it

741

Tweet

Share

By SadAndDeaf

Today, my sister introduced me to her new, deaf boyfriend. She proudly proclaimed that she was trying to learn sign language for his sake, so he wouldn't have to read her lips. I'm also deaf and have been trying to get her to do the same for me for 20 goddamn years. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56612

You deserved it

3101

Tweet

Share

By _whyy_mee - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, my neighbor yelled at me for driving recklessly. I was going 35 mph, and she was stopped in the middle of a road around a blind curve. My "reckless driving" was slamming on the brakes so I wouldn't hit her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26675

You deserved it

1943

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, I left the apartment door open so the construction workers sent by our landlord could work in the kitchen, while I slept in after working a late shift. They knocked on the bedroom door at 7 a.m., asking me to move the bed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1454

You deserved it

149

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was talking to my sister-in-law on the phone. She brought up the family reunion last weekend and how my family is so strange. I didn't know there was a reunion, I wasn't invited. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44221

You deserved it

2662

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Statham

Today, my son's lemonade stand was robbed by a senior citizen. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52463

You deserved it

3358

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I called the college of my dreams to check the status of my application. Turns out they "never received" copies of my transcripts. They did however cash the $70 application fee that was mailed with them. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32968

You deserved it

2484

Tweet

Share

By frankfukhergood - Canada

Today, I asked a buddy of mine if he wanted to see a movie. He said he was busy that day, so I decided to go alone. Midway through, the couple behind me is making out and kicking my seat. I turn around, and it's my ex-girlfriend making out with my buddy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

55974

You deserved it

3330

Tweet

Share

By forgetable

Today, I offered to stay late at my delivery job because it was snowing and several people called out. An hour later I got rear ended. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1978

You deserved it

420

Tweet

Share

By Noalixah - Finland

Today, in the early hours of the morning, a worker started drilling the road right in front of my window. He stopped 5 minutes before my alarm clock rang. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54615

You deserved it

3907

Tweet

Share

By Lilly - United States

Today, my husband and I found out that our dog was pregnant. He now refuses to have kids with me for at least two years, because he wants to raise the puppies without any "distractions". FML

I agree, your life sucks

30837

You deserved it

4322

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, at the end of a night of heavy drinking, I decided it was a good idea to go off into the park with a friend of mine. We ended up fooling around in the park, when a couple of kids stole our clothes. We had to walk back to town with no clothes on. FML

I agree, your life sucks

15489

You deserved it

74055

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Kennebunk

Memory man

Today, my girlfriend and I were doing the dirty, when she told me to say her full name, including her middle name. I'd forgot her middle name. It was completely awkward after. I'm a dumbass. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7662

You deserved it

3244

Tweet

Share

By poorbastard - Canada - Longueuil

Today, I was called in over speakers at the airport. The man who was speaking clearly and nearly burst out laughing when he said my name. Soon, a few people around also snickered when they heard it. I had to wait five minutes before I could casually stand up. My last name is Bastard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46397

You deserved it

3793

Tweet

Share

By ouch - Mexico

Today, I learned that my brakes don't work anymore on my bike. When did I learn this? While speeding down a really steep hill. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29334

You deserved it

5376

Tweet

Share

By kylinsmama - United States

Mixed signals

Today, I got in trouble with my doctor for eating too soon after surgery. Why was I eating? Because the nurses brought me food, which apparently I should've known not to eat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1686

You deserved it

211

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my daughter learned that if she rips a toy out of its package in front of a store employee, mommy will be forced to buy it. She now has two new toys today. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36832

You deserved it

11173

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia - Perth

Unforgettable

Today, it was my first day of work at my new job. I got dressed and arrived early, only to find out that the store had closed due to a power outage. Then I found out that the person who'd hired me had totally forgotten about hiring me anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1837

You deserved it

104

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Castleford

Today, is the start of the third month that I prayed I would be fired, just so I didn't have to quit because I hate awkward conversations. FML

I agree, your life sucks

28816

You deserved it

8575

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, my little brother went through all the artistic anatomy reference books and colored in all the nipples and penises with a bright pink sharpie. These books were from the library. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26644

You deserved it

3017

Tweet

Share

By blinded - United States

Today, I went to get a facial. I forgot my contact case so I put them into paper cup. My beautician thought it was leftover water from someone else, and threw my only pair of vision aid away. I scuttled home half blind. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16141

You deserved it

26741

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/4/2021 14:00

Alone time

Today, I had some unexpected alone time for the first time in months and decided to *ahem* play with an adult toy. As things were getting close to the end, my cat jumped up on the bed, saw the movement under the blanket and immediately pounced on my downstairs, puncturing certain delicate areas with his claws. FML

I agree, your life sucks

986

You deserved it

243

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, my brother has two broken arms and needs help wiping his own ass. Bonus, he has bad diarrhoea from the food poisoning he got from the shrimp he made me hand-feed him yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1869

You deserved it

152

Tweet

Share

By RBHSWedgieGirl - United States

Today, while walking across campus, I stopped to look at my reflection in a window. I straightened my bra straps and then turned to the side to dig a wedgie out. It wasn't until I heard peals of laughter that I realized I couldn't see IN the classroom, but they could see OUT. FML

I agree, your life sucks

14469

You deserved it

35950

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States - Cape Coral

Today, I got fired from my job. Why? Apparently taking 10 minutes to take a shit is too long for some people. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47625

You deserved it

8871

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Australia

Dumbo's jumbo dungo

Today, I learned not to get a job as an elephant keeper at the zoo when the water at home is out for a week for renovations. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1317

You deserved it

158

Tweet

Share

By Tag - Australia - Perth

Today, a woman screamed at me for five minutes, demanding to know how long I'd been having an affair with her husband. I explained for the second time that she'd dialed a wrong number. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43867

You deserved it

2715

Tweet

Share

By Anonyname - United Kingdom

Today, my husband and I announced at a family get-together that I'm pregnant with our fourth child. My dad sighed, and spent the rest of the evening acting moody and eventually muttering about how he'd raised a "damned brood mare." FML

I agree, your life sucks

43207

You deserved it

10199

Tweet

Share

By MALICEG - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, there was a knock on my apartment door. It was the man from next-door, who sarcastically asked if I was alright, because he said he heard me screaming in agony. I was singing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22428

You deserved it

4744

Tweet

Share

By Eleanor - United Kingdom - Leeds

Today, I tripped and fell on my open dishwasher, right onto a carving knife. I'm mostly ok, except that my nipple has been sliced neatly in half. Seriously, the two halves keep flapping open like a little mouth. It would be funnier if it wasn't so painful. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6759

You deserved it

597

Tweet

Share

By anonymous - Taiwan

Today, my cousins and I were bored so we began talking about weird dreams we've had. My little cousin turns to me and says "I had a dream you were in a beauty contest. You lost badly". FML

I agree, your life sucks

41395

You deserved it

5024

Tweet

Share

By JCC - United States

Today, I was babysitting a three-year-old. She asked me what was wrong with my belly. I had to explain to her that I'm just fat. Twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35392

You deserved it

13024

Tweet

Share

By reader - 4/12/2020 14:03

Passing

Today, I went to go to an aerobics class. Shen the instructor walked in, she went up to me and told me it was a women only class. I am a woman. FML

I agree, your life sucks

986

You deserved it

119

Tweet

Share

By silverspud - United States - Grand Junction

Today, I was invited to an adult toy party with co-workers. They started by playing a game called 'Never Ever Have I Ever' about everyone's sexual exploits. My mother is a co-worker. I can never un-hear what I heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34225

You deserved it

7298

Tweet

Share

By TheEpicWario - 1/6/2021 14:02

Sworn to secrecy

Today, my mom confirmed my suspicions that my dad cheated on her. She then told me to hide my knowledge about it from my dad, and to keep my brother completely in the dark for now. Now I can't even look at my dad without reaching the brink of crying, and I'm somehow supposed to keep this under wraps. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1166

You deserved it

109

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By shamandalie_fml | 0

#660603 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:13

are you sure yours is a "more effective" way? :P

By jchansfan | 0

#660604 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:13

Aww, turn that frown upside down and smi- nevermind...

COMMENTS

By shamandalie_fml | 0

#660603 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:13

are you sure yours is a "more effective" way? :P

Reply

The_Pleb | 0

#660762 - Sunday 8 November 2009 16:02

SECOND!

Reply

nazooer | 11

#660887 - Sunday 8 November 2009 17:27

The_Pleb, do you know how annoying you are? Go diaf please.

Reply

StaticDown | 0

#660922 - Sunday 8 November 2009 18:12

I second that. I'm so sick and tired of people saying 'first' or 'second'. I have yet to see a FML post without that type of behavior.

Reply

Gneekman | 0

#661247 - Sunday 8 November 2009 22:41

Especially since he's not 2nd, he's 18th.

Reply

americayay | 0

#661473 - Monday 9 November 2009 1:33

I'm not only wondering if it's actually more effective, but maybe OP shouldn't be reteaching anyone else's kids anything.

By jchansfan | 0

#660604 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:13

Aww, turn that frown upside down and smi- nevermind...

Reply

growingupnextmon | 3

#660705 - Sunday 8 November 2009 14:53

haha snap!

Reply

breenarae25 | 0

#1429042 - Monday 20 September 2010 6:46

lolcakes!!

Reply

thepagal | 3

#3090790 - Friday 12 August 2011 5:59

fuck you

By Jeef27 | 0

#660614 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:17

daaaaaaang

By Good_old_Grim | 8

#660619 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:22

Well you totally deserve it for trying to destroy your kid's teeth and by extension their lives.

Reply

Macromartyr | 3

#1010907 - Saturday 29 May 2010 6:12

Oooookay I'm really really very very sure that brushing your teeth will NOT damage them. Obviously, the OP had bad teeth to start.

Reply

ObsessedWithGays | 7

#5317399 - Thursday 10 January 2013 10:03

Don't feed the troll.

By chellinha93 | 0

#660623 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:28

Wow great uncle you have...

By startrekker | 3

#660625 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:30

You sound stupid.

By kravitzz1990 | 0

#660627 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:32

that makes me wonder how the hell u brush ur teeth thats "more effective"?
do u brush ur teeth with hummus like zohan?

im disturbed!

By JellyMelly | 0

#660637 - Sunday 8 November 2009 12:39

Well, I think you could have mentioned the condition/ appearance of your teeth in this fml.

By Ohnothingreally | 0

#660671 - Sunday 8 November 2009 14:01

Just brush the way dentists tell you to, that's the most effective.
Jeez.

By SusanaSaysRawrxD | 0

#660672 - Sunday 8 November 2009 14:01

Brushing your teeth with sugar and then rinsing with SunnyD is NOT more effective, OP. Just sayin'.